Latest / DA CREW Podcast / "Delayed but Never Denied" on the DA Crew Podcast | LIVE EVERY 2ND MONDAY & 4TH FRIDAY....| HOSTED BY LATONYA MICHELLE

Transcript

"Delayed but Never Denied" on the DA Crew Podcast | LIVE EVERY 2ND MONDAY & 4TH FRIDAY....| HOSTED BY LATONYA MICHELLE · DA CREW Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Oh it's just sweet, sweetest sweet. Hello, I'm.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna lift your hands and said he it is
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: a sweet the sweet your hand.
• 0:28
  Speaker 3: Thank you Jesus. Listen is right here.
• 0:33
  Speaker 4: Some people say a dreaming. I can't explain. Oh the
• 0:42
  Speaker 4: pipe that I feel. We'll not call your name.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: When a call your day said, it's just lie for oh,
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: shut up in my bones. Whoa dang the whole the
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: ghost move and you yes, and it's just love alone.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: Something yeah, yes, shot about.
• 1:13
  Speaker 4: Jess shut there about the leg of belize.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: Is it is a sweet? Oh no, I got to
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: be honest with you. I loved, loved love.
• 1:36
  Speaker 4: Mag it's the sweetest name. Yeah sweet, yes, said the
• 1:48
  Speaker 4: sweet and didn't hold from the heart. I can see
• 1:58
  Speaker 4: the whole the ghost move, Ma, you won't leave me alone.
• 2:04
  Speaker 5: No no, no, no no no. The name see that fool.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: Has got the b.
• 2:16
  Speaker 4: So you don't have to wait till the fire comes.
• 2:19
  Speaker 4: You can do south rising loud for your.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: Name.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: Oh it is a sweet love me, love me, lady love.
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: It is so sweet.
• 3:03
  Speaker 4: Mm hmm, I know his name, sweetest name, I know,
• 3:10
  Speaker 4: sweetest nighbor.
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: Mist thing has ever.
• 3:13
  Speaker 4: Happened to be.
• 3:27
  Speaker 3: Laggs and gentlemen, may I have your attention please? The
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: show starts in ten mine eight seven, six, five, four,
• 3:51
  Speaker 3: three two, one, good.
• 3:59
  Speaker 6: Even, good leavening, good evening, and welcome to another episode
• 4:02
  Speaker 6: of Delay but not Deny where Tonight we will be
• 4:06
  Speaker 6: talking about grief and the holidays. Before we begin, I
• 4:10
  Speaker 6: ex Trevida, my guest, my best friend, to lead us
• 4:17
  Speaker 6: in prayer.
• 4:20
  Speaker 5: Okay, you can hear me, right, yes, ma'am. Okay, Dear
• 4:27
  Speaker 5: Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing us together tonight. Let
• 4:30
  Speaker 5: the words of my mouth and our mouths fall upon
• 4:33
  Speaker 5: the ears. The need to hear what we talk about
• 4:35
  Speaker 5: today is led by you, and you understand everything that
• 4:39
  Speaker 5: we're going through in this season. There's nothing that we're
• 4:42
  Speaker 5: going through that you have not already brought us through.
• 4:46
  Speaker 5: So give us the strength to make it through this day,
• 4:49
  Speaker 5: through this month, and through this holiday, because it is
• 4:52
  Speaker 5: a lot that we are carrying. But we know that
• 4:55
  Speaker 5: burden gets lighter and lighter when we hand it over
• 4:58
  Speaker 5: to You and your precious and Holy Jesus.
• 5:00
  Speaker 6: We pray, amen, amen, Amen. And I also wanted to
• 5:05
  Speaker 6: read the scriptures Matthew five and four. Blissed are those
• 5:09
  Speaker 6: who mourn for they shall be comforted. And the reason
• 5:14
  Speaker 6: that one stuck out to me so much is like,
• 5:16
  Speaker 6: right now, I'm going through hospice with my mom, and
• 5:24
  Speaker 6: we don't know what that looks like. Like, you know,
• 5:27
  Speaker 6: we don't know what the end is going to be
• 5:29
  Speaker 6: until you know, God decides what's you know, what's going
• 5:34
  Speaker 6: to happen. So I wanted to ask you, how do
• 5:38
  Speaker 6: you deal with grief during the holidays.
• 5:45
  Speaker 5: It's been two years since my mom passed, and the
• 5:48
  Speaker 5: holidays are really tough. But I don't dwell on the
• 5:53
  Speaker 5: fact that she's not here anymore. I focus on the
• 5:57
  Speaker 5: fact of the memories that we do create together, you know,
• 6:02
  Speaker 5: over the years. Because Mom we had a strange relationship,
• 6:10
  Speaker 5: so to speak, and so since our relationship was strained,
• 6:14
  Speaker 5: it was one of those things where I didn't have
• 6:19
  Speaker 5: a typical mother daughter relationship with her that I had wanted.
• 6:23
  Speaker 5: But during her final month, I was able to have
• 6:28
  Speaker 5: an extended relationship with her in the sense of she
• 6:33
  Speaker 5: was where I could find her and I didn't have
• 6:35
  Speaker 5: to worry about, you know, her disappearing again. But it's
• 6:42
  Speaker 5: been different, to say the least, because I can't necessarily
• 6:51
  Speaker 5: reach out and hug her or anything like that, or
• 6:54
  Speaker 5: laugh with her anymore. But the memories we created are
• 7:00
  Speaker 5: what keeps me in good spirits, so to speak. And
• 7:06
  Speaker 5: you know, I just lost my great aunt, the lady
• 7:08
  Speaker 5: who raised me, October the twenty fifth, and so that
• 7:13
  Speaker 5: was just a couple of days before my birthday, and
• 7:17
  Speaker 5: so it was okay. So now we have that on
• 7:22
  Speaker 5: top of, you know, grieving my mother, grieving my cousin,
• 7:26
  Speaker 5: and grieving my uncle, you know, from twenty two to
• 7:30
  Speaker 5: twenty three, twenty four, and twenty five. So it's been
• 7:34
  Speaker 5: a constant, you know, thing of grieving those loved ones.
• 7:39
  Speaker 5: And it's not easy. But that's why I try to
• 7:45
  Speaker 5: dwell on the happy times, right right, finding peace in
• 7:55
  Speaker 5: the happiness in the happy times. My question is, you know,
• 8:03
  Speaker 5: with the holidays coming.
• 8:04
  Speaker 6: And stuff, what do you do to keep yourself busy too,
• 8:08
  Speaker 6: you know, so you're not dwelling or thinking too hard
• 8:11
  Speaker 6: on the family members that are no longer here.
• 8:18
  Speaker 5: What I do is I do things that we did together,
• 8:25
  Speaker 5: if that made sense, Like me and my mom, you know,
• 8:30
  Speaker 5: would find humor in the seriousness of situations. So I
• 8:36
  Speaker 5: look for humorous things to keep me occupied. As far
• 8:43
  Speaker 5: as my honest concerned. Like the things that we did
• 8:46
  Speaker 5: together was you know, our home improvement kind of stuff.
• 8:51
  Speaker 5: So I do those kind of things and memory of
• 8:53
  Speaker 5: her and my cousin. I just do things that you know,
• 9:00
  Speaker 5: he was younger than me, but he was like my kid,
• 9:04
  Speaker 5: and I grew you know, some of those things you
• 9:07
  Speaker 5: know that I used to do with him and then
• 9:10
  Speaker 5: with my uncle. You know, I read my Bible and
• 9:15
  Speaker 5: I just focus on the advice that he gave me,
• 9:21
  Speaker 5: because he gave me some really good advice, especially during
• 9:26
  Speaker 5: my divorce. So I think about those things, and that,
• 9:29
  Speaker 5: you know, is what keeps my mind occupied and not
• 9:34
  Speaker 5: dwelling on so much of the fact that they're no
• 9:36
  Speaker 5: longer here, but keeping it alive.
• 9:40
  Speaker 6: Okay, all of this is new to me, so I'm
• 9:45
  Speaker 6: kind of like leaning on you, you know, yeah, as
• 9:49
  Speaker 6: far as you know what to what to expect, what
• 9:53
  Speaker 6: to do next, and things of that nature. I was
• 9:58
  Speaker 6: just in supportant bird a few days ago, visiting my mama,
• 10:02
  Speaker 6: and that was the hardest visit I think that I've
• 10:07
  Speaker 6: had since she's been going through this. She's so small
• 10:16
  Speaker 6: now where she's not you know, eating and drinking and
• 10:20
  Speaker 6: stuff like that, and yeah, it's just it's a lot,
• 10:26
  Speaker 6: and it's so close to Christmas, and her birthday is
• 10:32
  Speaker 6: the nineteenth of this month, so she'll be eighty five,
• 10:38
  Speaker 6: and just knowing, you know, we don't know what tomorrow
• 10:43
  Speaker 6: may bring. We I mean, we don't know what tomorrow
• 10:45
  Speaker 6: may bring for any of us for that matter. But
• 10:49
  Speaker 6: just going because I'm still learning about hospice and the
• 10:55
  Speaker 6: things that they provide and how you know they care
• 11:01
  Speaker 6: for your loved ones or whatever. I spoke with the
• 11:04
  Speaker 6: lady today and she broke it down for me a
• 11:08
  Speaker 6: little further because, as you know, my biological mother was
• 11:11
  Speaker 6: in hospice, and I thought that was somewhere that they
• 11:15
  Speaker 6: sent her to get better. Nobody told me nothing. I
• 11:18
  Speaker 6: didn't know. You know that that's where you go to
• 11:22
  Speaker 6: peacefully pass away.
• 11:24
  Speaker 5: Huh.
• 11:25
  Speaker 6: So I, you know, with with my biological mother, how
• 11:30
  Speaker 6: I found out what it was.
• 11:33
  Speaker 5: They kept.
• 11:35
  Speaker 6: Coming in listening to her heart, and they were not
• 11:39
  Speaker 6: giving her any medicines. And I noticed that they wasn't
• 11:44
  Speaker 6: giving her any fluids or you know, even food through
• 11:49
  Speaker 6: a tube or however. So I asked, I asked the questions, like,
• 11:56
  Speaker 6: you know, what's going on, What's what's happening, and so
• 12:00
  Speaker 6: I bumped into the chaplain and he told me, you know,
• 12:05
  Speaker 6: she was at the end of life and she could
• 12:09
  Speaker 6: possibly go at any time, and he was telling me
• 12:12
  Speaker 6: he felt like she was ready to go, and he
• 12:14
  Speaker 6: felt like I was the one holding on tour, and
• 12:19
  Speaker 6: you know, I felt like, Okay, this man don't know
• 12:23
  Speaker 6: me from Adam's house cat, so you know, for him
• 12:26
  Speaker 6: to say I'm holding on or whatever it was was
• 12:30
  Speaker 6: crazy for me. I went and called my husband at
• 12:34
  Speaker 6: the time to tell him, you know, what the chaplain
• 12:39
  Speaker 6: had said, and no, sooner than I got it out
• 12:42
  Speaker 6: my mouth, he and my aunt were walking up the
• 12:45
  Speaker 6: hall to come and tell me that my mom had passed.
• 12:50
  Speaker 6: I still had a lot of questions about hospice, even
• 12:54
  Speaker 6: that I don't understand, you know, why they don't they
• 12:59
  Speaker 6: take a weigt certain medicines and they pretty much just
• 13:04
  Speaker 6: and I know it's to keep you comfortable or whatever
• 13:08
  Speaker 6: while you transition, but a lot of it, I guess
• 13:15
  Speaker 6: it will probably never make sense to me, but.
• 13:21
  Speaker 5: I just I don't know, Yeah, a hospice, I mean,
• 13:27
  Speaker 5: I've been in healthcare for quite some time now, so
• 13:30
  Speaker 5: I know what it looks like and I honestly know
• 13:34
  Speaker 5: what it feels like to have a loved one or
• 13:38
  Speaker 5: someone that I care for who is in that space.
• 13:47
  Speaker 5: You do have a lot of questions and you do
• 13:50
  Speaker 5: have a lot of emotions that you're going through every
• 13:56
  Speaker 5: single day. And you know, you talk about you're a
• 14:00
  Speaker 5: mom losing weight, and this is the thing like every day,
• 14:04
  Speaker 5: Like I was with my mom for three weeks, every
• 14:07
  Speaker 5: day consistently, and during that time, like I knew that
• 14:11
  Speaker 5: she was getting smaller, but since I was there every day,
• 14:17
  Speaker 5: it didn't dawn on me how small she had gotten
• 14:21
  Speaker 5: until I was looking back at the pictures after she
• 14:25
  Speaker 5: had passed, and I was like, because to me, in
• 14:29
  Speaker 5: my eyes, while I was there, she still looked the same.
• 14:32
  Speaker 5: To me, she didn't look any smaller, she didn't look
• 14:35
  Speaker 5: any different. She just looked like my mom, and my
• 14:39
  Speaker 5: mom had always been small. Now, of course she had
• 14:42
  Speaker 5: gained some weight and she called herself a little baby well, and.
• 14:51
  Speaker 6: She was like.
• 14:53
  Speaker 5: Big. But then my mom had always been small to me,
• 14:57
  Speaker 5: so it wasn't anything different. And when I look back
• 15:02
  Speaker 5: now over the pictures, and it's like, dang, she had
• 15:07
  Speaker 5: lost a lot of weight and I could not tell,
• 15:10
  Speaker 5: but I also had been praying and asking God to
• 15:14
  Speaker 5: keep me present for her and to allow me to
• 15:19
  Speaker 5: focus on the needs that she had, and to pay
• 15:24
  Speaker 5: attention to the memories that we were creating, and to
• 15:28
  Speaker 5: focus on all of that and not focus so much
• 15:31
  Speaker 5: on the passing of her life, but to be totally
• 15:42
  Speaker 5: present for her in the way that she needed me
• 15:45
  Speaker 5: to show up and to be present and enough to
• 15:49
  Speaker 5: remember the lesson she was teaching me during that time,
• 15:54
  Speaker 5: because my mom taught me a lot of things during
• 15:57
  Speaker 5: that time, even though we didn't always speak a lot
• 16:02
  Speaker 5: like today, I had a memory and I'm trying to
• 16:04
  Speaker 5: get through this part without crime because it brought me
• 16:07
  Speaker 5: tears when I was thinking about it earlier.
• 16:12
  Speaker 4: And it was.
• 16:18
  Speaker 6: Trying take your time.
• 16:23
  Speaker 5: She was sleeping, and you know they tell you to
• 16:27
  Speaker 5: never if you dream that you're falling, to not hit
• 16:33
  Speaker 5: the ground right, And she was dreaming that she was falling,
• 16:38
  Speaker 5: and I had finally fallen asleep, and I was trying to,
• 16:42
  Speaker 5: you know, catch me a couple of little z's while
• 16:45
  Speaker 5: she was sleeping, and she woke up screaming, Vita, Vita,
• 16:50
  Speaker 5: catch me, catch me. Now. I about broke my leg
• 16:53
  Speaker 5: trying to get out of the bed because I was
• 16:55
  Speaker 5: wrapped in a blanket to get to her and talk
• 17:00
  Speaker 5: told her because she was literally dreaming that she was falling.
• 17:05
  Speaker 5: And when I got a hold of her and I
• 17:07
  Speaker 5: was holding her, she was shaken so bad. And it's like,
• 17:14
  Speaker 5: I don't know how many times she had gone through
• 17:16
  Speaker 5: life and had called out for someone to catch her,
• 17:20
  Speaker 5: and no one was there to catch her. So because
• 17:25
  Speaker 5: my mom, she lived a hard life and the only
• 17:31
  Speaker 5: time she was fully able to express herself, unfortunately, she
• 17:35
  Speaker 5: had to be have her liquid courage. Basically, she had
• 17:40
  Speaker 5: to be have been drunk to actually be able to
• 17:45
  Speaker 5: speak what she needed to say. And that was hard
• 17:51
  Speaker 5: to witness. It hard to watch because, as they say,
• 17:55
  Speaker 5: your life does flash before your eyes, and it's not
• 17:58
  Speaker 5: hallucinations that they're experiencing. They are reliving traumatic experiences of
• 18:05
  Speaker 5: their lives. And she started talking about family members who
• 18:13
  Speaker 5: have passed in situations that she had been through. And
• 18:17
  Speaker 5: if you don't know that these are experiences that they
• 18:21
  Speaker 5: will have, it will seem as if they're talking crazy
• 18:25
  Speaker 5: or they're out of their head. But these are moments
• 18:28
  Speaker 5: that they're reliving, and they're reliving the emotions that came
• 18:32
  Speaker 5: with that, and it's not hallucinations. It is an experience,
• 18:37
  Speaker 5: and so it may seem crazy to us on the
• 18:42
  Speaker 5: outside because we're not seeing what they saw. But also
• 18:45
  Speaker 5: we were not there during that time that they were
• 18:48
  Speaker 5: going through what it was. So it's hard witnessing that.
• 18:53
  Speaker 5: It's hard hearing that. But also you can't interrupt them
• 18:59
  Speaker 5: when they're going through that because they don't understand the
• 19:06
  Speaker 5: difference between the past and the current because right and
• 19:10
  Speaker 5: there in the moment that they're in, it is when
• 19:13
  Speaker 5: they're in it. But today, when I was thinking about that,
• 19:18
  Speaker 5: that was hard because I don't know how many times
• 19:22
  Speaker 5: she had cried out for somebody and nobody came to
• 19:28
  Speaker 5: help her. So that was hard. That's hard memory that
• 19:36
  Speaker 5: I have when I think about her life in her
• 19:42
  Speaker 5: childhood because my mom, in order for me to forgive
• 19:47
  Speaker 5: her for not being there for me, I had to
• 19:50
  Speaker 5: understand that she had a life and she was a
• 19:53
  Speaker 5: child and she went through a lot of hard stuff.
• 19:59
  Speaker 4: And and.
• 20:01
  Speaker 5: The same things that were said to me, my mom
• 20:07
  Speaker 5: was still never appreciated, our loved They were just she's crazy,
• 20:13
  Speaker 5: And she was not crazy. She really was a very
• 20:18
  Speaker 5: intelligent and smart woman. She was broken as a child,
• 20:24
  Speaker 5: and being broken as a child and not being hurt
• 20:28
  Speaker 5: as an adult, and me being a child and hearing
• 20:32
  Speaker 5: them say you need to get your mother some help
• 20:36
  Speaker 5: because she's crazy. When I realized she wasn't crazy, she
• 20:42
  Speaker 5: was broken and she was looking for comfort, and so
• 20:50
  Speaker 5: having a conversation with my mom and she was transitioning over,
• 20:55
  Speaker 5: I let her know that she was forgiven for her
• 21:01
  Speaker 5: feeling like she didn't do everything that she could have
• 21:04
  Speaker 5: done for us, because it was hard for her to
• 21:11
  Speaker 5: have four children too being taken away from her, and
• 21:16
  Speaker 5: when my last two siblings were literally taken away from her,
• 21:22
  Speaker 5: she really lost the identity of who she was and
• 21:27
  Speaker 5: so she really turned to more drugs and alcohol because
• 21:33
  Speaker 5: at that point she didn't have anything else to live
• 21:36
  Speaker 5: for her kids were taken from her. You know, Dad
• 21:39
  Speaker 5: and I both were grown and out of the way,
• 21:44
  Speaker 5: and those were her final two children that she had,
• 21:46
  Speaker 5: and she was trying to do right by them. But
• 21:50
  Speaker 5: also my mom didn't understand like my mom always saw
• 21:53
  Speaker 5: the good in people, and regardless of how bad they
• 21:57
  Speaker 5: treated her, she still saw the good in them. And
• 22:00
  Speaker 5: even with her seeing the good in them, they still
• 22:04
  Speaker 5: saw the bad in her, and they used that to
• 22:09
  Speaker 5: their advantage and it broke her in a way that
• 22:14
  Speaker 5: she just never recovered from. But when I had my children,
• 22:20
  Speaker 5: I got to see another side of my mom, and
• 22:25
  Speaker 5: my children got to experience Granny and the love that
• 22:30
  Speaker 5: she had for them, and just me being able to
• 22:34
  Speaker 5: experience and watch her with my children, and it was
• 22:40
  Speaker 5: a beautiful experience, you know. And my kids never experienced
• 22:45
  Speaker 5: the version of my mother that I experienced, and so
• 22:49
  Speaker 5: that was different, but it also was a beautiful thing.
• 22:54
  Speaker 5: And loving them how she loved us when she was
• 23:03
  Speaker 5: able to, because you know, when you're constantly being told
• 23:12
  Speaker 5: that you're not good enough for these children, you tend
• 23:17
  Speaker 5: to believe that you're not good enough for those children.
• 23:21
  Speaker 5: And nobody ever understood why anytime my mother would call
• 23:27
  Speaker 5: me or whatever it was, I would always show up.
• 23:32
  Speaker 5: No matter how many times, you know, we would have
• 23:36
  Speaker 5: arguments or whatever, I still opened my home to her,
• 23:40
  Speaker 5: you know, And it wasn't always easy, but I did it.
• 23:47
  Speaker 5: And even during her final months, I was, you know,
• 23:53
  Speaker 5: like I was tired. I didn't want to do it.
• 23:56
  Speaker 5: I didn't want to do it at all, because I yeah,
• 24:00
  Speaker 5: because I'm like I've been doing this my whole life.
• 24:03
  Speaker 5: Somebody else has to step up and do this. And
• 24:09
  Speaker 5: God was like, you go step up and do it.
• 24:14
  Speaker 5: And I fought when I fought, and it was like,
• 24:18
  Speaker 5: I don't know what you're fighting for, because you're gonna
• 24:21
  Speaker 5: do it any way. And regardless of how tired I was,
• 24:26
  Speaker 5: I would work every day, get off work, drive the Gaffney,
• 24:30
  Speaker 5: drive back home, pick my son up from work, go home,
• 24:35
  Speaker 5: go to bed, get up the next morning, drive back
• 24:38
  Speaker 5: to Gaffney. And it was so much that I did
• 24:40
  Speaker 5: that so often that after she passed, I found myself
• 24:47
  Speaker 5: some days going towards Gaffney when I got off work
• 24:51
  Speaker 5: and I'm like, she ain't there. You go home. So
• 24:57
  Speaker 5: it's it's those days and those mo is where I
• 25:00
  Speaker 5: want to pick up the phone and call my mom, but.
• 25:06
  Speaker 6: I can't.
• 25:08
  Speaker 5: Right now.
• 25:09
  Speaker 6: I'm in stages with my mom where she has what
• 25:14
  Speaker 6: they call Louis body dementia, so she she sees things
• 25:19
  Speaker 6: that we don't. And today I was on the phone
• 25:23
  Speaker 6: with her and she was telling me. I asked her
• 25:28
  Speaker 6: if she knew who I was, and she told me no,
• 25:31
  Speaker 6: and I told her, you know, my mama caused me, Missy,
• 25:34
  Speaker 6: and so I told who I was, and she was like,
• 25:37
  Speaker 6: you don't sound like her, and so that kind of
• 25:40
  Speaker 6: broke up a little bit because I'm like, yeah, you know,
• 25:45
  Speaker 6: how do you not recognize my voice?
• 25:47
  Speaker 5: And so.
• 25:51
  Speaker 6: And I guess God knew I needed a laugh.
• 25:53
  Speaker 4: So she.
• 25:55
  Speaker 6: Started talking about my dad and you know, lost Tim
• 25:59
  Speaker 6: twenty year years ago in two thousand and five, she said,
• 26:04
  Speaker 6: and I can only imagine the look on her face
• 26:06
  Speaker 6: when she said it. She said, I believe my husband
• 26:13
  Speaker 6: cheating on me.
• 26:14
  Speaker 5: Oh goodness.
• 26:16
  Speaker 6: When I said, well, she said, some lady, I keep
• 26:23
  Speaker 6: seeing him put his hand on her leg. And I said, well, Mama,
• 26:28
  Speaker 6: I said, I talked to him and tell him to
• 26:29
  Speaker 6: put keep his hands in his pockets. I said, cause
• 26:32
  Speaker 6: we can't have none of that, and she said, no,
• 26:35
  Speaker 6: we can't. She was like, I didn't get married with
• 26:37
  Speaker 6: this mess.
• 26:39
  Speaker 4: And I.
• 26:41
  Speaker 6: Mean, I'm sitting there rolling at that point because I
• 26:45
  Speaker 6: was at the brink of tears because she didn't remember
• 26:49
  Speaker 6: who I was, or I don't don't sound like what
• 26:52
  Speaker 6: she thought I should sound like. She she's just been.
• 27:00
  Speaker 5: You know, my mama.
• 27:03
  Speaker 6: My mama has not been the easiest person to get
• 27:05
  Speaker 6: along with. She's always been hard on me, and it
• 27:12
  Speaker 6: may have come from a place of she wanted me
• 27:15
  Speaker 6: to have better than what she had, but it felt
• 27:20
  Speaker 6: like she was picking on me most of the time.
• 27:23
  Speaker 6: And then when I had Deontae, I got to see
• 27:26
  Speaker 6: a better version of her because she loves Dante like
• 27:32
  Speaker 6: you could only imagine, like a mother would love their child,
• 27:36
  Speaker 6: their their own child. And then you know, fast forward,
• 27:41
  Speaker 6: Kay came along, and she she can do no wrong
• 27:47
  Speaker 6: in my mama's eyes. She can burn down the yard
• 27:53
  Speaker 6: and my mama will stand ten toes down and say
• 27:55
  Speaker 6: she didn't do it.
• 27:58
  Speaker 5: You know.
• 27:59
  Speaker 6: And just seeing her go from all of that to this.
• 28:03
  Speaker 6: My mom at one point weighed two hundred and twenty
• 28:07
  Speaker 6: pounds m h. Right now she probably weighs maybe ninety
• 28:16
  Speaker 6: eight pounds, maybe ninety eight pounds. She's just skinning bones.
• 28:22
  Speaker 6: And the whole time that I was there with her
• 28:25
  Speaker 6: the other day, it's like I couldn't even really like
• 28:28
  Speaker 6: look at her. I wasn't expecting expecting her to look
• 28:39
  Speaker 6: like that. I don't know exactly what I was expecting,
• 28:45
  Speaker 6: but that wasn't it that that?
• 28:49
  Speaker 5: Yeah, And it's never what you're expecting. It's never what
• 28:55
  Speaker 5: you think you're gonna go through. Like I said, you
• 28:58
  Speaker 5: have to give yourself permission and to feel the emotions
• 29:01
  Speaker 5: as they come. And giving yourself permission to feel what
• 29:06
  Speaker 5: happens is important, and it's a part of the process.
• 29:09
  Speaker 5: It's a part of the journey. It's one of those
• 29:12
  Speaker 5: things where you don't necessarily know what's coming next. And
• 29:18
  Speaker 5: it's funny because while I was at the hospice house
• 29:23
  Speaker 5: dealing with my mom, and I knew that morning that
• 29:28
  Speaker 5: she was going to pass I already knew that, and
• 29:33
  Speaker 5: I did not leave the room at all like I
• 29:36
  Speaker 5: needed to, but I couldn't because I promised that I
• 29:41
  Speaker 5: would be by her side or at least be close
• 29:43
  Speaker 5: in the space. And the nurse he kept coming in
• 29:48
  Speaker 5: there and he was like, well, she's not Her skin
• 29:53
  Speaker 5: color has changed, you know. From when I said, I
• 29:57
  Speaker 5: know that, I know. He was like, well, I don't
• 30:02
  Speaker 5: want you to be alarmed. I said, listen, I think
• 30:05
  Speaker 5: you're more nervous than I am. And I know you
• 30:07
  Speaker 5: see this every day, I said, And I know y'all
• 30:10
  Speaker 5: are coming in and y'all are checking her vitals and
• 30:13
  Speaker 5: you know, doing all of that, I said, but that
• 30:16
  Speaker 5: won't be the indication for her. I said, you know,
• 30:20
  Speaker 5: her blood pressure and all of that, that's not going
• 30:23
  Speaker 5: to be what tells you her oxygen level and all that,
• 30:28
  Speaker 5: because my mama's blood pressure was one seventeen over sixty four.
• 30:33
  Speaker 5: That's normal blood pressure. And I'm like, that's not going
• 30:38
  Speaker 5: to tell you. Also, my mom did not have the
• 30:42
  Speaker 5: death rattle, so I'm like that that's not going to
• 30:48
  Speaker 5: be the indication. It's going to be a final breath,
• 30:51
  Speaker 5: and that is going to be it. And the nurse
• 30:56
  Speaker 5: had came in and she was preparing my for her
• 31:01
  Speaker 5: bath for that day, and then they were gonna change
• 31:06
  Speaker 5: her bandages at the same time so that it wouldn't
• 31:10
  Speaker 5: be so much on her because movement was painful for her.
• 31:16
  Speaker 5: And so they had started preparing her for her bath
• 31:20
  Speaker 5: and I told Mom, I said, I'm gonst sit over
• 31:23
  Speaker 5: here while they bathe you and change your bed linen
• 31:27
  Speaker 5: and everything. I said. But I'm not going far, I said,
• 31:30
  Speaker 5: but understand and know that you've done everything that you're
• 31:33
  Speaker 5: supposed to do. You have not been a disappointment to us.
• 31:40
  Speaker 5: You all is forgiven, and you faw a good fight,
• 31:44
  Speaker 5: and if your body is tired, it's okay to let go.
• 31:48
  Speaker 5: You know, and I went and I sat down, and
• 31:53
  Speaker 5: the nurse had bathed, you know, the one side of
• 31:58
  Speaker 5: her and had changed the bed linten and everything. It
• 32:01
  Speaker 5: was going to the other side. And then the gentleman
• 32:03
  Speaker 5: he had came in hurt him and another nurse to
• 32:06
  Speaker 5: change the bandages on Mom's feet, and the instant he
• 32:12
  Speaker 5: moved her leg, she let out her final breath and
• 32:18
  Speaker 5: I was like, she's gone, and he was like, no,
• 32:23
  Speaker 5: she's just you know, it's a pain. I said, no,
• 32:27
  Speaker 5: that's not pain. I said, that's her final breath. I said,
• 32:31
  Speaker 5: you need to get your steff to scope and call
• 32:33
  Speaker 5: time of death. And he was like, no, that's not it.
• 32:36
  Speaker 5: That's not it. So I said, argue with you about
• 32:42
  Speaker 5: because he didn't believe it, because most of the time
• 32:46
  Speaker 5: you're going to hear the death rattle. Most of the
• 32:49
  Speaker 5: time you're going to hear something of distress to let
• 32:54
  Speaker 5: you know that these are are you're going to have
• 32:57
  Speaker 5: the shallow breaths and things of that name.
• 33:00
  Speaker 6: She didn't have that.
• 33:01
  Speaker 5: And I knew she wasn't going to have that because
• 33:06
  Speaker 5: I know my mama and I know who she is.
• 33:09
  Speaker 5: And I was like, this lady has put up a
• 33:12
  Speaker 5: good fight, and when it's time for her to go,
• 33:16
  Speaker 5: it's she's going to go. It's just going to be
• 33:19
  Speaker 5: a peaceful thing. And it was peaceful, like she let
• 33:24
  Speaker 5: out her final breath and that was it. And he
• 33:29
  Speaker 5: didn't call time of death until twelve twelve, but Mom
• 33:34
  Speaker 5: was gone at twelve oh five on June the fifteenth.
• 33:39
  Speaker 6: And it was just like.
• 33:43
  Speaker 5: A little sigh, And I hear that sigh in my sleep,
• 33:48
  Speaker 5: you know, because it was just that's how it was.
• 33:54
  Speaker 5: It wasn't anything other than that. And it was a
• 34:00
  Speaker 5: peaceful thing. But I had let her know, you know,
• 34:05
  Speaker 5: that I was forgiven that there was nothing that she
• 34:07
  Speaker 5: needed to hold on to at all, because even if
• 34:12
  Speaker 5: she felt like she had failed us, she gave us
• 34:15
  Speaker 5: everything that she needed to give us, and she gave
• 34:17
  Speaker 5: us the strength that we have every day. She created
• 34:21
  Speaker 5: some strong individual kids, you know, and to be able
• 34:26
  Speaker 5: to endure pain in a way and still see goodness
• 34:30
  Speaker 5: in other people regardless of how bad they treated you.
• 34:35
  Speaker 5: That taught me a lot about myself and taught me
• 34:39
  Speaker 5: a lot about looking at people beyond what you see,
• 34:46
  Speaker 5: because you don't know what somebody else is carrying. You
• 34:50
  Speaker 5: don't know what somebody else is smiling through. So if
• 34:54
  Speaker 5: you can't try to see past their disappointment, their anger,
• 35:00
  Speaker 5: their frustration, because people will tend to be just downright
• 35:07
  Speaker 5: meaning evil, but they've never had somebody see the core
• 35:12
  Speaker 5: of who they are. And that's the one thing that
• 35:15
  Speaker 5: I can say that.
• 35:16
  Speaker 3: My mom.
• 35:18
  Speaker 5: Always try to help me to see. But then the
• 35:22
  Speaker 5: other thing is my mom never understood that, even as
• 35:28
  Speaker 5: a little kid, I could see beyond that and to
• 35:33
  Speaker 5: see the core of a person and to see just
• 35:38
  Speaker 5: how evil a person really was and if they met
• 35:42
  Speaker 5: her any good or not. And an example was when
• 35:48
  Speaker 5: I was about seven or eight years old, there was
• 35:52
  Speaker 5: this lady. My mom plays softball, and this lady, her
• 35:59
  Speaker 5: name was Wendy, did not like my mom for whatever reason,
• 36:03
  Speaker 5: and I think it was outside of softball. And I'm like,
• 36:09
  Speaker 5: this lady does not like you. I don't know why
• 36:12
  Speaker 5: you keep trying to befriend her. She does not like you.
• 36:16
  Speaker 4: And so.
• 36:18
  Speaker 5: The lady ended up moving into We lived in this
• 36:22
  Speaker 5: it was basically like a four apartment complex or whatever,
• 36:27
  Speaker 5: so we lived at the bottom and then miss Wendy
• 36:31
  Speaker 5: had moved in above us, and I'm like, absolutely not,
• 36:36
  Speaker 5: we need to move. My mom was like, no, we
• 36:39
  Speaker 5: don't need to move. We were here first. I said, okay,
• 36:42
  Speaker 5: well don't talk to that lady because the lady don't
• 36:44
  Speaker 5: like you and my mama. I'm just a kid, you know,
• 36:49
  Speaker 5: I don't know anything. You know, this is grown folk stuff. Okay.
• 36:53
  Speaker 5: So this lady ended up inviting us to a cookout
• 36:59
  Speaker 5: during the summer at her, her family's house or whatever,
• 37:01
  Speaker 5: and I kept telling my mama, I don't think this
• 37:03
  Speaker 5: is a good idea. I don't think we need to go.
• 37:07
  Speaker 5: And Mom was like, well, it's fine, it'll be other kids.
• 37:10
  Speaker 5: You and your brother can play with them while we,
• 37:12
  Speaker 5: you know, cook out and you know, do whatever. Like
• 37:16
  Speaker 5: you know, back then, they had a little drinking parties,
• 37:19
  Speaker 5: park cards and all of that or whatever. So they
• 37:22
  Speaker 5: were in the house playing cards, and we outside playing
• 37:25
  Speaker 5: and had some people out there cooking on the grill
• 37:28
  Speaker 5: or whatever. And then all of a sudden, like I
• 37:31
  Speaker 5: think it probably about an hour or so passed and
• 37:35
  Speaker 5: all I hear is yelling and commotion coming from the
• 37:37
  Speaker 5: house and they her family ended up jumping on my
• 37:44
  Speaker 5: mom like it's I don't know how many people. My
• 37:48
  Speaker 5: mom was hit with two by fours brick, all kinds
• 37:55
  Speaker 5: of stuff, and so we're basically trying to run away
• 38:00
  Speaker 5: from this place and get my mom away, and so
• 38:04
  Speaker 5: we had to walk back home. Now, mam just this
• 38:06
  Speaker 5: lady lived above us. So I'm a little kid and
• 38:10
  Speaker 5: I'm like, okay, And so I told my mom, I said,
• 38:13
  Speaker 5: I told you. Now, I know I probably shouldn't have
• 38:16
  Speaker 5: said that at a time, but I did. I said,
• 38:17
  Speaker 5: I told you we shouldn't have come over here because
• 38:20
  Speaker 5: this lady did not like you, and her whole family
• 38:23
  Speaker 5: jumped on you. This is crazy. Like my mama was
• 38:27
  Speaker 5: covered in so many bruises till they were literally black
• 38:33
  Speaker 5: and purple bruises from head to toe. And I'm like,
• 38:38
  Speaker 5: this is crazy. So these are experiences that I had
• 38:43
  Speaker 5: with my mom, like even my stepfather. My mama was
• 38:46
  Speaker 5: pregnant with my sister and it was the fourth of July.
• 38:51
  Speaker 5: This man was throwing fireorcs down my mother's dress while
• 38:56
  Speaker 5: she was pregnant with my sister, and he ended up
• 39:01
  Speaker 5: putting my mother in the hospital because they got into
• 39:06
  Speaker 5: an argument. He literally choked her so bad and then
• 39:12
  Speaker 5: ripped her mouth from the corner of her mouth to
• 39:19
  Speaker 5: her ear, ripped it open and she was in the hospital.
• 39:25
  Speaker 5: So I was eight nine years old. So I experienced
• 39:31
  Speaker 5: so much with my mom because my mom trusted people
• 39:34
  Speaker 5: so much and regardless of how much they hurt her,
• 39:39
  Speaker 5: she still believed because love to her equal pain, which
• 39:44
  Speaker 5: was not the way that it was supposed to be.
• 39:47
  Speaker 5: And even that happened with my mom. A few years later,
• 39:54
  Speaker 5: she ended up he came back from Maryland. My mom
• 39:58
  Speaker 5: followed him to me Maryland. She was pregnant with my
• 40:03
  Speaker 5: no she had my sister, so my sister was about
• 40:05
  Speaker 5: two or three years old, so she went up to
• 40:08
  Speaker 5: Maryland with him. We didn't know that that's where she
• 40:11
  Speaker 5: was until we got a phone call from a lady
• 40:14
  Speaker 5: up there that my mom had been beaten and left
• 40:17
  Speaker 5: on the street by my stepfather, and so we had
• 40:22
  Speaker 5: to send for her to come back home. And when
• 40:24
  Speaker 5: she got back home, we found out she was pregnant
• 40:26
  Speaker 5: with my baby brother. So I've experienced a lot with
• 40:32
  Speaker 5: my mama, and witnessing that helped me to understand that
• 40:39
  Speaker 5: my mother was a victim in so many, so many ways,
• 40:45
  Speaker 5: and also in the fact of she equated that love
• 40:50
  Speaker 5: had to come with pain, that it was not given
• 40:55
  Speaker 5: without it, and so if you loved her, you have
• 41:00
  Speaker 5: to cause pain to her. And so the final six
• 41:04
  Speaker 5: months of her life, it took her a minute to
• 41:08
  Speaker 5: understand that I love you because not because I'm supposed to.
• 41:16
  Speaker 5: I love you in spite of you don't have to
• 41:20
  Speaker 5: be my mom for me to love you. I love
• 41:25
  Speaker 5: you because I know you, I see you, I see
• 41:28
  Speaker 5: beyond what everybody has been conditioning me to believe is
• 41:34
  Speaker 5: that you're crazy. You're not crazy. You were just broken
• 41:37
  Speaker 5: as a kid, and you were searching for love in
• 41:43
  Speaker 5: ways that nobody understood. And whatever you had to go through,
• 41:48
  Speaker 5: whatever broke you, is not why I'm trying to love you.
• 41:55
  Speaker 5: I love you because and once she did let me in,
• 42:03
  Speaker 5: I don't think she really understood how much it helped
• 42:08
  Speaker 5: her to heal and helped her to relax and to
• 42:14
  Speaker 5: just be loved on, you know. And it's one of
• 42:19
  Speaker 5: those things. Like my brother it was the first time
• 42:22
  Speaker 5: he had ever heard her say I love you to
• 42:25
  Speaker 5: him during that time. Yeah, so it's it's hard, but
• 42:32
  Speaker 5: I don't have any regrets about our relationship, even the
• 42:36
  Speaker 5: hard conversations, the arguments or whatever, because I knew when
• 42:43
  Speaker 5: I realized that my mom was a young person, a
• 42:47
  Speaker 5: person before I came into her life, and whatever she
• 42:53
  Speaker 5: went through, whatever broke her, was not my responsibility to
• 42:57
  Speaker 5: fix right.
• 43:02
  Speaker 6: Well, for me, my mom has never been the cuddly
• 43:10
  Speaker 6: I love you type, and so now she she tells
• 43:14
  Speaker 6: me she loves me. They used for Dante and Kay,
• 43:19
  Speaker 6: but now she tells me. And the first time she
• 43:23
  Speaker 6: said it, I ain't know what to do with it
• 43:25
  Speaker 6: because I never heard her say that and say that.
• 43:30
  Speaker 6: I don't think she did, but just hearing it just
• 43:34
  Speaker 6: felt foreign to me. And you know, because I tell
• 43:40
  Speaker 6: Deontae all the time that I love him as well
• 43:44
  Speaker 6: as Kay, and you know that's how they are, like
• 43:50
  Speaker 6: they tell you they love you, and you know, I don't,
• 43:56
  Speaker 6: you know, I this is this is a lot.
• 44:02
  Speaker 5: It's definitely a lot, and it's different, and you don't
• 44:06
  Speaker 5: know how to receive it when you first hear it,
• 44:08
  Speaker 5: because it's like, okay, because you've never heard them say
• 44:14
  Speaker 5: it before, Like my mom had said it once before,
• 44:20
  Speaker 5: but I think I was honestly, I think I was
• 44:23
  Speaker 5: graduating high school when she said it, but she had
• 44:25
  Speaker 5: been drinking too, so I wasn't actually sure if she
• 44:31
  Speaker 5: had meant to say it at that time or not,
• 44:34
  Speaker 5: but prior to that, she had never said it. And
• 44:38
  Speaker 5: even like my mom was there during the pregnancy of Nathan,
• 44:42
  Speaker 5: that was the only pregnancy that she was there for,
• 44:46
  Speaker 5: like actually, you know, participating actively during that time, because
• 44:51
  Speaker 5: my Mama stayed with me because I had been put
• 44:54
  Speaker 5: on complete bed rest or whatever, and so she was
• 44:57
  Speaker 5: with me during that time. And even during that time,
• 45:02
  Speaker 5: she still never said she loved me. She still never
• 45:04
  Speaker 5: said anything of the kind at all. But it was
• 45:09
  Speaker 5: like one of those things where okay, but when she
• 45:13
  Speaker 5: was in that transition phase, she said it every day,
• 45:20
  Speaker 5: and she would look for me to be there by
• 45:23
  Speaker 5: a certain time and if I wasn't there, and while
• 45:26
  Speaker 5: she was still able to use the phone, and she
• 45:28
  Speaker 5: was calling, if I wasn't there by six o'clock, you
• 45:33
  Speaker 5: still coming you okay? Like she would always disguise it
• 45:37
  Speaker 5: as you feeling okay, is everything all right? And I'm like, yeah, Mama,
• 45:46
  Speaker 5: everything's all right, okay. Well, I was just checking on you.
• 45:51
  Speaker 5: Are you coming by here today? Mama? Walking down the hall,
• 45:54
  Speaker 5: I see you in a mute oh okay, Like you
• 46:00
  Speaker 5: would do that And if she didn't call me, she
• 46:01
  Speaker 5: would have my aunt call me because my aunt started
• 46:03
  Speaker 5: coming down every Monday, and so she would have my
• 46:07
  Speaker 5: aunt dd he call me to see if I was okay,
• 46:10
  Speaker 5: And I'm like, she just checking to see if I'm
• 46:12
  Speaker 5: coming Auntie. That's all she ain't. She don't need nothing.
• 46:16
  Speaker 5: She just got you calling because she don't want to
• 46:18
  Speaker 5: call me herself. But the relationship that she had with
• 46:24
  Speaker 5: my kids, and especially with Scott, she didn't get to
• 46:28
  Speaker 5: meet Maka but Sky, Honey, Scott was not allowed to
• 46:34
  Speaker 5: be in nobody's arms because when she walked in, if
• 46:37
  Speaker 5: we walked in the room with her, honey, Scott had
• 46:41
  Speaker 5: to go on that bed and you not touching her
• 46:44
  Speaker 5: the whole time. Even like the week that my mama passed,
• 46:49
  Speaker 5: Scott came into that room, Honey, she trying to hold her,
• 46:51
  Speaker 5: and I'm like, Mama, you can't even hold yourself. Give
• 46:54
  Speaker 5: me my baby, all right, okay. And I got a
• 46:58
  Speaker 5: picture of her trying her best to hold this baby
• 47:02
  Speaker 5: in that baby and she held her. They ended up
• 47:08
  Speaker 5: in like matching pajama colors because I had Ki bring
• 47:13
  Speaker 5: her up there to me while she went to work,
• 47:16
  Speaker 5: and Mama had fell asleep before when Scott had left,
• 47:21
  Speaker 5: and so she woke up, talk about what a baby
• 47:24
  Speaker 5: mama she gone, she done went home. You didn't wake
• 47:28
  Speaker 5: me up to tell me she mama, you were sleeping.
• 47:31
  Speaker 5: I'm not finna wake you up. Well, you should have
• 47:33
  Speaker 5: woke me up. And God forbid, Scott started crying. What's
• 47:38
  Speaker 5: she crying for? You need to get her mama worried
• 47:43
  Speaker 5: about yourself? So I know what that looks like. You know,
• 47:51
  Speaker 5: they love them grands and that's a different kind of love,
• 47:55
  Speaker 5: and you know that for yourself, it's a different kind
• 47:58
  Speaker 5: of love. And my kids swear now that I don't
• 48:02
  Speaker 5: became soft because the mama that they had and the
• 48:07
  Speaker 5: one that Kay that's Sky and Makai got, is not
• 48:11
  Speaker 5: the one they grew up with. I'm like, I have
• 48:18
  Speaker 5: not gotten soft. It's just this certain things.
• 48:21
  Speaker 7: It's not for me to whoop her over there because
• 48:25
  Speaker 7: she's expressing herself, so you know, and they're like, na,
• 48:30
  Speaker 7: let us express ourselfs like that.
• 48:32
  Speaker 5: We don't got kicked across the room. What are y'all
• 48:36
  Speaker 5: doing too much?
• 48:38
  Speaker 6: Yeah, there's something about Kay that you know. She when
• 48:44
  Speaker 6: she's here, she hangs out in my room. She has
• 48:48
  Speaker 6: all her toys her in her room because I had
• 48:52
  Speaker 6: to move them back into her room because she hadn't
• 48:55
  Speaker 6: in my room. So what does she comes in? My
• 49:00
  Speaker 6: bed is high and she gets up under my bed
• 49:03
  Speaker 6: with her She has this little chair that I bought
• 49:07
  Speaker 6: her that turns into like a bed and she under
• 49:11
  Speaker 6: there and I'm like, of all the places you could be,
• 49:17
  Speaker 6: want to be right there. But it's like every two
• 49:22
  Speaker 6: or three minutes, she'll gig, I love you, and just
• 49:28
  Speaker 6: you know, I'm like, Okay, if being in my presence
• 49:33
  Speaker 6: is what you want, that's what you'll have because who
• 49:37
  Speaker 6: am I to fight you?
• 49:39
  Speaker 5: Yeah? Every time Scott comes over here, she has a
• 49:43
  Speaker 5: huge container of toys in the living room and she
• 49:48
  Speaker 5: has her little kitchen that's in there. And when I
• 49:52
  Speaker 5: tell you, she decides that she wants to pull out
• 49:57
  Speaker 5: all of those toys and they they migrate to my room.
• 50:02
  Speaker 5: And when they migrate to my room, and then I'm like, okay,
• 50:05
  Speaker 5: well can we put them back? No? Not yet? Tt
• 50:09
  Speaker 5: not yet, And I'm like me, not yet. So when
• 50:13
  Speaker 5: she's not here, like, my room is clean now because
• 50:15
  Speaker 5: she's not here, But she was here yesterday and she
• 50:20
  Speaker 5: had she had the color yesterday with the color pencils,
• 50:23
  Speaker 5: so she had all of those, and she had her
• 50:26
  Speaker 5: books out, and Lord, don't let her mama call me.
• 50:30
  Speaker 5: Don't let Nate be in the space because they're not
• 50:33
  Speaker 5: allowed to talk to me because I only belong to her.
• 50:36
  Speaker 5: I am her t T and her TT alone. She
• 50:39
  Speaker 5: don't care that Kyla is my daughter and Nate is
• 50:42
  Speaker 5: my son. They can't have none of my attention when
• 50:46
  Speaker 5: she is around, and she is so serious about it,
• 50:49
  Speaker 5: and she don't play. She don't believe she's supposed to
• 50:53
  Speaker 5: share me with nobody else at all. If she is
• 50:57
  Speaker 5: around and you happen to call her, she gonna get
• 51:00
  Speaker 5: give you a couple of minutes after that, that's it.
• 51:02
  Speaker 8: You got.
• 51:03
  Speaker 5: You got to get off the phone because she's not
• 51:04
  Speaker 5: gonna have Yeah, I do. She don't be playing, Scott.
• 51:11
  Speaker 5: You got to share, no TT, not share, not share
• 51:15
  Speaker 5: you mm hmm okay.
• 51:19
  Speaker 6: Yeah, Well it has been a pleasure talking to you.
• 51:24
  Speaker 6: As always, this whole grief thing in the holidays is
• 51:32
  Speaker 6: just a bad blend for for a lot of people.
• 51:38
  Speaker 5: Yeah, So.
• 51:41
  Speaker 6: What would you say to somebody going through around the holidays,
• 51:46
  Speaker 6: What would you say to them to give them a
• 51:50
  Speaker 6: measure of hope?
• 51:53
  Speaker 5: Well, it's always gonna be tough. There is no easy
• 51:56
  Speaker 5: way to get through the holidays without feeling some sense
• 51:59
  Speaker 5: of sadness. But don't give yourself. Don't stay in the
• 52:04
  Speaker 5: sadness too long, because if you stay in the sadness
• 52:07
  Speaker 5: too long, you'll end up staying there longer than what's necessary.
• 52:11
  Speaker 5: So give your self permission to feel the emotions as
• 52:15
  Speaker 5: they come, but also give your self permission to feel
• 52:17
  Speaker 5: the joy of having them in your life and the
• 52:20
  Speaker 5: memories that you created. And also understand that our time
• 52:25
  Speaker 5: on this earth is limited. So love on the people
• 52:28
  Speaker 5: that are here to experience you while they can, and
• 52:31
  Speaker 5: don't wait to live with the regret of I wish
• 52:35
  Speaker 5: I had, I wish I did, I wish I said,
• 52:38
  Speaker 5: because once they are gone, they can't hear, they can't feel,
• 52:42
  Speaker 5: and they can't see anymore. So love on your people
• 52:46
  Speaker 5: while you have an opportunity. If you're holding on to
• 52:49
  Speaker 5: a grudge of something that somebody did or said to you, baby,
• 52:53
  Speaker 5: let that go, because it's no worth feeling than missing
• 52:58
  Speaker 5: out on an opportunity to say you're sorry and to
• 53:02
  Speaker 5: forgive them. It ain't for them, it's for yourself. To
• 53:07
  Speaker 5: have peace in the moment and moving forward because a
• 53:11
  Speaker 5: lot of us are walking around holding on to grudges
• 53:14
  Speaker 5: that somebody did something to us when we were in
• 53:17
  Speaker 5: the fifth grade. Baby, they don't forgot about that and
• 53:19
  Speaker 5: moved on, and you still overhear mad and what they
• 53:22
  Speaker 5: said to you in the fifth grade. They don't care.
• 53:25
  Speaker 5: They ain't thought about it no more and probably don't
• 53:28
  Speaker 5: forgot that they said or did it to you. Let
• 53:31
  Speaker 5: that go. Forgive them because they didn't know what they said,
• 53:35
  Speaker 5: and how bad it hurts. You give yourself the permission
• 53:39
  Speaker 5: to heal from whatever it may be, because during the holidays,
• 53:44
  Speaker 5: we are losing people every single day. And what I
• 53:48
  Speaker 5: realized when my mom passed is that the day before
• 53:52
  Speaker 5: I was celebrating a birthday of a friend. The next
• 53:55
  Speaker 5: day my mom was that was her final day. And
• 53:58
  Speaker 5: so what it taught me was that life is truly short,
• 54:02
  Speaker 5: and somebody is going to be passing and somebody is
• 54:07
  Speaker 5: going to be born on that same day. So every
• 54:11
  Speaker 5: day is a celebration, regardless of what they're coming or
• 54:15
  Speaker 5: they're going, it is a celebration of the life that
• 54:17
  Speaker 5: they live. So embrace it as you have it and
• 54:22
  Speaker 5: love on those who love you, not tolerate you, because
• 54:25
  Speaker 5: you never want to be in spaces where people tolerate you,
• 54:29
  Speaker 5: be in places where they feel you and cover you
• 54:32
  Speaker 5: and pray for you in times like these, because we
• 54:36
  Speaker 5: all need somebody who's going to pray for us when
• 54:40
  Speaker 5: we don't even know how we're getting through, because those
• 54:43
  Speaker 5: prayers are what keeps us upright.
• 54:47
  Speaker 6: Right, Well, I couldn't have said that any better myself.
• 54:53
  Speaker 6: I appreciate you. I thank you for always coming through
• 54:57
  Speaker 6: when I need you. And if you would, could you
• 55:02
  Speaker 6: pray us out and give us some drop some of
• 55:06
  Speaker 6: Trevita with so much needed in this thing.
• 55:13
  Speaker 5: That's sure, of course. Okay, God, we thank you because
• 55:19
  Speaker 5: you allowed us the space to uplift you and to
• 55:23
  Speaker 5: bring you in the presence of where we are. We
• 55:26
  Speaker 5: know not everything that is placed in front of us,
• 55:30
  Speaker 5: but we know that it is a purpose for everything
• 55:33
  Speaker 5: that we go through. You give us everything that we need,
• 55:36
  Speaker 5: everything that we desire, and even our wont sometimes even
• 55:39
  Speaker 5: when they don't align with the purpose that you have
• 55:42
  Speaker 5: for us, You let allow us to experience that. Even
• 55:46
  Speaker 5: though our hearts may be heavy right now, going through
• 55:48
  Speaker 5: the holiday season, right now, please give us the strength
• 55:52
  Speaker 5: that we need to endure whatever it is in front
• 55:55
  Speaker 5: of us. We know that when our loved ones leave
• 55:59
  Speaker 5: this place, this earthly place, that they are coming home
• 56:03
  Speaker 5: to you because you sent them here to be on
• 56:06
  Speaker 5: earth for a small amount of time. So continue to
• 56:10
  Speaker 5: guide our past and light our steps in the way
• 56:13
  Speaker 5: that you see fit. Remove those who do not have
• 56:16
  Speaker 5: our best interest in heart, because we know that some
• 56:19
  Speaker 5: people are only here to cause pain more than they
• 56:23
  Speaker 5: are to give love. Remove those people from our past,
• 56:27
  Speaker 5: and guide us in the way that you see fit.
• 56:29
  Speaker 5: In your precious and holy name, Jesus, we pray, Amen, Amen. Well.
• 56:37
  Speaker 5: The only thing I'm gonna say after.
• 56:39
  Speaker 8: This is always remembered to stay in business because God
• 56:45
  Speaker 8: is definitely going to be the greatest version of ourselves.
• 56:52
  Speaker 8: And that's a good song to play.
• 56:56
  Speaker 5: Take us to the green it is.
• 57:00
  Speaker 6: Enjoy it as we in tonight's show again, Creators, and
• 57:09
  Speaker 6: I want to thank all my listeners that tuned in
• 57:12
  Speaker 6: comment and I appreciate you as well.
• 57:16
  Speaker 5: Good Night, good night.
• 57:25
  Speaker 2: I came way.
• 57:29
  Speaker 9: To come true, thies I no string to five, no
• 57:41
  Speaker 9: tears to cry even here I tried, but still my
• 57:51
  Speaker 9: show
• 57:53
  Speaker 6: Refuse