Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #484 Holiday Edition - Maggie Dent

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#484 Holiday Edition - Maggie Dent · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now. Hello, this is doctor Justin Coulson, the founder of
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  Speaker 2: Happy Families dot com dot A. You welcome to a
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  Speaker 2: holiday edition of the Happy Families Podcast. Today one of
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  Speaker 2: Australia's favorite parenting experts, the Queen of Common Sense. She's
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  Speaker 2: written a handful of books to help parents to navigate
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  Speaker 2: their parenting journey, especially if you're raising boys, and today
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  Speaker 2: we're talking to Maggie about her book Raising Boys. I
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  Speaker 2: was chatting with Maggie in episode two hundred and seventy
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  Speaker 2: of our podcast If You've Got Boys, I think you'll
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  Speaker 2: love listening to this episode to give you a taste,
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  Speaker 2: I asked her, is the culture unkind to young boys?
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  Speaker 1: Oh? Golly, you know. Every now and then I'll work
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  Speaker 1: in a center that's actually been to some of my work,
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  Speaker 1: and they've got this different approach so that the boys
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  Speaker 1: that Nie can't sit still on the map more than
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  Speaker 1: two or three minutes are towards the back and they're
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  Speaker 1: okay to jiggle on a chair where they're able to
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  Speaker 1: jiggle their foot without getting busted for it, and they're
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  Speaker 1: able to concentrate more, so they're able to participate more.
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  Speaker 1: And what they desperately need the same as every girl,
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  Speaker 1: is a sense that I belong and people care for me.
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  Speaker 1: So when we actually have evidence that shows that we
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  Speaker 1: speak more harshly to boys than girls, so what's that
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  Speaker 1: telling sensitive little boys? And all of them are sensitive.
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  Speaker 1: Even though that raumbunctious one looks like he's tough, he's not.
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  Speaker 1: So the whole myth is boys are not tough a
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  Speaker 1: natural fat girls are emotionally way tougher. They do have
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  Speaker 1: a physicality, So thank you for that. But that is
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  Speaker 1: one of the reasons that I started jumping up and down,
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  Speaker 1: because we have to look at the way that we're
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  Speaker 1: starting to raise little boys into a system that doesn't
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  Speaker 1: necessarily serve them until a lot later, around eight to nine,
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  Speaker 1: they can sit a little bit better.
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  Speaker 2: Maggie, I want to pick up on something that you've
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  Speaker 2: just highlighted. You talked about the research around the different
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  Speaker 2: expectations the way we speak to boys versus girls, and
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  Speaker 2: that data from what I've seen from a developmental psychology
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  Speaker 2: point of view, that that's from the earliest ages. We're
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  Speaker 2: much more likely to google and gaga over a six
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  Speaker 2: month old girl than we are a boy. And by
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  Speaker 2: the time they're twelve months and eighteen months and twenty
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  Speaker 2: four months, all of a sudden, it's like, stop crying,
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  Speaker 2: cut that out, stop acting like a girl. As you
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  Speaker 2: would know, I mean, you've written about it. The boys
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  Speaker 2: at school are much more likely to get in trouble.
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  Speaker 2: They're much more likely to be put on attention, They're
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  Speaker 2: much more likely to be suspended and expelled. They just
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  Speaker 2: get in trouble more than girls. And it's almost like
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  Speaker 2: we've feminized our education system. And as the kids get older,
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  Speaker 2: we see girls doing better at school, which is wonderful.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, it's great. It's great that girls are doing well.
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  Speaker 2: I'm not saying that they shouldn't do well, but girls
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  Speaker 2: are graduating with higher grades consistently, girls are getting into
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  Speaker 2: the better courses. Now. Girls are really really doing well.
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  Speaker 2: And it's a wonderful moment for girls to shine. But
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  Speaker 2: it shouldn't be at the expense of boys. Can we
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  Speaker 2: lift everybody rather than saying, well, we've got to do
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  Speaker 2: this for girls, and therefore we've got to put the
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  Speaker 2: boys down. What do we do as parents, like if
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  Speaker 2: there's a take home message in terms of the way
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  Speaker 2: we talk to our boys, the way we educate our boys,
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  Speaker 2: the way we raise these little kids. Let's say, up
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  Speaker 2: to about the age of ten or twelve, what would
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  Speaker 2: you say the fundamentals that parents need to know about
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  Speaker 2: boys as opposed to girls.
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  Speaker 1: Look, I think the fundamental needs of them is exactly
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  Speaker 1: the same, justin so you know, we know that strong
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  Speaker 1: attachment and relationships are really what helps all children thrive.
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  Speaker 1: So you've got to work out how you're building that.
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  Speaker 1: Even though you have a boy that's more impulsive, that
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  Speaker 1: wants to jump off the garage roof and you can't
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  Speaker 1: believe you did it because he didn't think about it.
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  Speaker 1: We don't make them wrong in those moments. But what
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  Speaker 1: we do is I just say, if you can have
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  Speaker 1: three rules around your boys that you have either stuck
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  Speaker 1: on the fridge, try not to hurt yourself, try not
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  Speaker 1: to hurt anyone else, and try not to damage the
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  Speaker 1: world around you. So when they do those things, we
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  Speaker 1: come back to them. Now, you're not wrong. It was
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  Speaker 1: the choice you made. And so the emotional coaching is
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  Speaker 1: really important from a tender place, but it can't do
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  Speaker 1: it in the heat of the moment because I can't
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  Speaker 1: hear you. They're very defensive, very early, So we probably
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  Speaker 1: leave it twenty four hours, probably bathtime, little chat as
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  Speaker 1: you going to bed. Remember when you jumped on your
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  Speaker 1: brother from the top bunk and Mommy got a bit
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  Speaker 1: upset and I need you to know why that wasn't
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  Speaker 1: a good choice. So it's a slightly different way of
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  Speaker 1: doing it. But the thing is, can you be the tender,
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  Speaker 1: loving parent following all these moments? Can you love them
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  Speaker 1: when they get that message home from school? Can you
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  Speaker 1: love them if they've run in to say goodbye to
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  Speaker 1: their friend and punch them in the head instead of
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  Speaker 1: giving them a high five because they in the moment,
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  Speaker 1: they just forgot what they were doing. Can you really
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  Speaker 1: see the world through their eyes and help them understand
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  Speaker 1: that there are other ways of being, that they're not wrong,
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  Speaker 1: that sometimes they make choices that aren't really cool.
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  Speaker 2: That's Maggie Dan from episode two hundred and seventy of
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  Speaker 2: the Happy Families podcast talking about raising boys. Get curious,
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  Speaker 2: not furious. Be we your feeder. Mistakes lead to mastery,
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  Speaker 2: high emotions, low intelligence. Have you ever heard these or
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  Speaker 2: any of the other principles I share and thought I
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  Speaker 2: need to stick that on my wall. Well, now you can.
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  Speaker 2: The Happy Family team has pulled out the best justinisms
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  Speaker 2: for a five mini posters, perfect for your home or
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  Speaker 2: even the classroom, and easy to grab at happy families
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  Speaker 2: dot com, dot a you. It's the Happy Family's podcast,
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  Speaker 2: the podcast for the time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: Now you're with doctor Justin Coulson. Have you been enjoying
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  Speaker 2: the holiday snippet that we're sharing with you to make
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  Speaker 2: your family happier and to help you to key into
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  Speaker 2: the stuff that matters most when it comes to raising kids. Tomorrow,
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  Speaker 2: I can't wait to share this snippet with you. Having
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  Speaker 2: a chat with Professor Ethan Cross. Ethan is one of
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  Speaker 2: my favorite researchers in psychology in the entire world. He's
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  Speaker 2: such a smart guy and he's written a book called Chatter,
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  Speaker 2: The Voice in Our Head, Why it Matters and how
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  Speaker 2: to harness it. Have you noticed that it can be
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  Speaker 2: really hard to stay in control, to regulate, to get
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  Speaker 2: that self regulation happening, and teach to kids. That's what
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  Speaker 2: the podcasts about. Tomorrow morning, I can't wait to share
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  Speaker 2: our snippet of advice our wealth of wisdom from Professor
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  Speaker 2: Ethan Cross. With you tomorrow please join us for the
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  Speaker 2: Happy Families Podcast. Then until then, though, have a wonderful day.
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  Speaker 2: I hope that the school holidays are going well for you,
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  Speaker 2: and we'll be back tomorrow with more on The Happy
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  Speaker 2: Families Podcast, produced as always by Justin Rawan from Bridge Media,
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  Speaker 2: with Craig Bruce as our executive producer or the info
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  Speaker 2: you need for making your family happy. By the way,
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  Speaker 2: is it happy families dot com do