Latest / The Uncommons / We Homeschooled for Two Years. Now We're Not So Sure | Ep22
Transcript
- Parisa Bady: been homeschooling for two years now and this would be the third year if we were to continue homeschooling but we're debating. It's something that basically leads to how much discipline we raise our kids with versus giving them freedom and the balance between that can determine what kind of school we send them to. I've never learned so much until I became a parent. And I've never been so humbled. I've been crying every day. I'm having a hard time having no life other than being a mom. I feel like such a horrible dad. Did I push him too much or am I pushing him too much? Or did I not give him enough time to recover? What would be our idea of a successful parenting in what it shows up in a kid? What kind of qualities, what kind of personality? Hi, welcome to the Uncommons podcast where we discuss what it really takes to build a meaningful life. I'm Parisa. Page. He can't stop laughing today. I don't know what he took some drugs or did something that I'm not aware of. So heads up. And I think it's because it's back to school season. And we've been t homeschooling for two years now. And this would be the third year if we were to continue homeschooling. But we're debating and if we should or not, even though schools start like in two days and we're still haven't made a decision. But I don't want talk about homeschooling versus public school versus Montessori or any of that today. And it's not about the philosophy of parenting. I think it's a layer deeper. It's something that basically leads to how we parent and how much discipline we raise our kids with versus giving them freedom to think and be creative and go based on their instinct. And the balance between that can determine what kind of school we send them to, how we parent, what kind of activities we enroll them in, and also how we feel about our parenting style. Because we can choose to have certain parenting style or philosophy and not feel so good about it, which has been you in the past few years of homeschooling. I know you weren't for it, you didn't want to do it. But I want to ask, and we're going to share about how it went with homeschooling and why we're thinking about maybe making a change or a different decision. But I want to ask first, before we get started, what would be our idea of a successful parenting in what it shows up in a kid? What kind of qualities, what kind of personality? If your son shows up with, you would feel that you've been successful in your parenting, and what kind of qualities or personality or traits if he shows up with, you would feel like you failed as a parent. And the reason I'm asking that question is because a few days ago I was watching him and he was treating his brother so nicely and he was so kind and he was doing so good and he was so determined. He was like, I'm gonna wake up at 7 a.m. tomorrow. I want to eat this for breakfast. I want to have this much protein. I want to be so strong. I want to work out. I want to go to tennis class and then do soccer. And he had all this planned for the entire day. And he was just so determined in his decisions. And I was looking at him, I was like, ⁓ my God, I'm I feel so proud of him and how he's turning out and his willpower and being so determined and so dedicated and all that. And half an hour later. Something happened and I was looking at him and I was just so mad. I'm like, this kid needs more discipline. He needs to go to school. He doesn't know how to keep his manners. He doesn't know how to be respectful and be appreciative. And maybe I'm doing something wrong with raising him. It was the same kid, half an hour apart, and I'm completely oscillating from being such a proud mom into completely questioning my way of raising him. So I want to know. What is the image that you have versus I have for him specifically to start with one child or in general? If he has those personality traits and those personality qualities, we would be proud and think that okay, we did our job right. And how should he turn out for us to feel that we failed as parents? This is a really good question, but I I know one one answer very clearly. That would make me disappointed or proud if he is an entitled person. What does that mean? Someone that expects things for nothing and expects things for people to do stuff for him without appreciation. That's my political view, that's my personal view, that's my that's one this huge thing. But there hasn't been a family that I've seen that has multiple kids and all the kids are doing great. And not have what you call issues. There's always one or two kids that have their own upside downs no matter how the family style is. So there's some kids that in their parents' point of view, parents are more concerned about them. A hundred percent. I mean all of our friends have that. All of our friends have Everybody has Yeah, which is normal. But in general, those are your concerns, I get it. How do you want him to turn out? What is a picture of him? That if he turns out exactly like that, you would feel like a successful dad. Do you feel like you've done your job right? If my child is honorable, respectful, hard working, appreciative, right? Mm-hmm. And benevolent. Those are very big words. Yeah. So only this. Those are five major things that if you have those five or a portion of those five, I think At least me as a parent, I feel like I've done something right in this life. Do you think a child could have all those five and be depressed? ⁓ I forgot happy. Do you think a child could have all those five and be emotionally completely suppressed and like a robot? Not really. I don't think someone that has love and connection by wanting to contribute, wanting to help, being there, has that passion and love inside of them. But you didn't say about anything about love and passion. Is it hardworking, honorable, what else? Benevolent. Benevolent. I mean to to give you have to have a lot of love. That's a big deal. A lot of people don't learn how to give until they're in their thirties or forties. There are things that we learn as we grow older and through life challenges. But as a eighteen year old, when you look at a eighteen year old, that's when their childhood almost finishes. I mean for me, if the child is dedicated and also can accept delayed gratification, doesn't want things right away, can work their way through things and overcome challenges, to me that's amazing. And if they can self-regulate. You know, you can have a child that can work really hard and take on all the challenges. And if somebody bumps into them on the street, they turn around and smack him in the face. I mean that's not honorable. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe that's like a higher umbrella terms. I mean in everyday interactions. For me, it comes down to three things. If they can self-regulate emotionally, if they can hard work and overcome challenges and accept delayed gratification, these three would would do it for me. I don't need anything else. Those are all great. It's good if they're kind to to other people. And if they're genuinely happy and you know they have they have love. But that's the expectation. You know, the the reason I want to talk about it is because when I saw that I'm judging him based on two different behaviors half an hour apart, I kind of went back in my mind that what happened to me, because this is the same kid. He didn't change. Right? He's just expressing two Different behaviors towards different situations, but if he had it in him to be so kind, to be so loving, to be so dedicated half an hour ago, then he still has it in him to be the same half an hour later, but what he's doing at that moment is triggering me. So that's basically what I came down to. And I realized if his behavior at the moment, no matter what the given situation is, matches the image of what I want him to be when he grows up, ten years from now, then I'll be happy with him and I'll be proud and I will feel like I am doing it right. And if what he's doing, the behavior he's showing at the moment is different, very different from how I want him to be 10 years from now, then I'm judging an eight year old based on an image that I built in my head, based on me, my psyche, my upbringing, my belief system. of how I want him to be ten years from now, still have all that time, you know? If he's not matching that today, then I'm I feel like a failure. It's not about him. You're right. It's it's it's about us. It's about us. An expectation versus the reality. Yeah. I'm talking for myself and I think you are in the same boat, if not worse, because dads have different type of ex masculine expectations. Which is great for the kid, but the expectations that I have a lot of time isn't age appropriate because I'm thinking about how I want him to turn out. Yeah, I do too. I judge him for what I want him to be as an adult, but sometimes forget he's eight years old. Yeah. Given all that, just understanding all that, do we want to home school? He's got two younger siblings and their younger siblings are younger. He's much more developed, right? But now he's minimizing his growth because his peers are five years and two years younger than him. So his physical ability, his mental ability, his his spatial ability, if he was hanging out with kids his age, that could see, ⁓ they could jump higher than me, or ⁓ they they you know, they can run it, you know, two miles ⁓ without stopping and I can't. Right, so th all of those would be a factor, but more importantly, ⁓ being able to deal with things that older kids deal with. He's not worried about his paw patrol. Yeah. You know, at age of eight. I think his thought process is very different than his siblings anyways. It's not the same, but he wants to be around kids his age. I think if one thing homeschooling had a lot of gifts for us. But the biggest one is that our kids are very thirsty of social interactions with their peers, kids their own age. And it's really, really valuable for them when they get some time to spend with kids their own age and they really can't let it go because they don't get as much of it as other kids that are at school. But also when it comes to going to school, basically you give away a lot of control. of how your kid is raised, what kind of values they're brought up with, what kind of peers they get, what kind of behavioral issues other kids bring from their home. So they're exposed to the world and a lot of things that maybe at home they have very limited access to, especially at our home because our screen time is only thirty minutes a day, very limited to what they can watch. Yeah. And going out is gonna get exposed to other kids that have social media or whatever whatever they got. So it it's important which school they go to. And we looked at some other schools as well. But I think is doing them more harm now. To stay home. To stay home. And one other thing is that in order to enforce that. Enforce what? Enforce that you gotta go to piano class. You gotta go to this class. You gotta go to that class. And enforcing the rules and regulations at our house And we become the bad guys. So it causes an eschewed vision of where he is in the world, ⁓ of what what needs to happen and then he's defying that because he's at the age of every age is the age of every age is. But when if you're in school and everybody else is doing it, it becomes a common thing, everybody's doing it, then we don't become the bad guys and our relationship is preserved for someone. I think that's the very big reason that a lot of parents want to do homeschooling but they don't do it because they don't want to be in a teacher role telling their kids this is what you need to do and create that kind of friction and conflict at their house and jeopardize their relationship with their kids because now they're not just a mom or just a dad. They're acting as the teacher and they're enforcing things that would at school be enforced much easier because there's a certain level of obedience at school no matter what. Right. And my concern for the kids going to school is exactly that, obedience. I don't want obedient kids. I don't want kids that are following through just because other kids are doing it or just because somebody said you have to do it, so they just go and do it. And I think obedience is a huge thing that the school trains them for. I don't think our kids have any worries about being non-obedient. They do such a great job of being non-obedient. Well currently yes, because we gave them the opportunity to be like that. We give him the opportunity consciously, even though it's hard, even though a lot of times it's much easier for me to say, This is what we gotta do and you gotta comply. And I do that sometimes, but a lot of times what they get during the day, I would say seventy percent of the times, they get to pick what they do, they get to pick how they do it, they get to pick how to spend their time. There are some boundaries. But there is no solid structure into it. So they get to choose what to do and they get to use their imagination, they get to be creative, and they get to be free thinkers. Because I didn't want kids that go into a classroom, sit with 20 other kids that are very different than them, and be put in the same box that everybody is being put, and being expected the same behavior, same output. That every other kid, some kids learn in different ways. You just can't force the same method of learning, same structure, same obedience on two different kids. And even within our household, we have three kids, each one of them is completely different. One needs more structure, one needs more freedom, one is more creative, one is more dedicated, one is more neurotic like you, one is more free spirit like me. So my problem with school is Teaching my kids obedience. Even though every mom's dream is to have obedient kids. I was exactly that kid that I could I I couldn't obey the rules. I sat in class, I flunked ⁓ you know, year after year after year because I was, you know, in my own world. Yeah. ⁓ so I realized that and ⁓ it's got nothing to do with your IQ. I could attest to that. Just kids learn differently. Like that's why there's you know, different ⁓ monastery schools or whatever. And we decided not to send our kids to school. Because we spend a lot of time and energy looking at the origin of school system. It's like a Polish style way from the eighteen hundreds, late eighteen hundreds started. Obedient workers. And anybody who had any kind of brilliance and think outside the box were bad. You were a bad kid if you didn't follow exactly what you're supposed to do. And a lot of kids, including myself, including you, we grew up thinking we're dumb. ⁓ yeah. When I when I got accepted to there's a special school in Iran is called for exceptional talents. When I got accepted to that school, I was sure they made a mistake. I was like, there is no way they just read my test wrong and there's no way I'm that smart and I'm a part of one percent smartest people in the country. I'm not. I'm so dumb. I feel so stupid a lot of times. Yeah. And I don't want my kids to feel that way. Me too. Same exact thing. Just because we couldn't follow a standardized method of learning or standardized method of testing. Yes. I agree. And we studied that and we said there's no way we want our kids to be that. And we did that for a couple of years, which is great. And we took our boy out of we had him in the top kindergarten. I mean the kindergarten was crazy. It was like a college that like you know. They would call it the Taj Mahal. Taj Mahal and they would open the door for the kids, which I hate that shit anyway. But at least I thought they're gonna get individualized, you know, treatment to these kids and and they did to some extent, but not really. Not really. Not really. So we know we kept them home, but at this point I honestly think that we believe that allows them to be empowered to do their own thinking, but yet they have some sort of a balance. That needs to have some consistency. If there is no consistency there, meaning that we have certain values and say, you be free to think the way you want, which is amazing. But these certain things we cannot do. As opposed to putting them in a box, we let them do whatever they want to do within some borders and parameters. And to do that, you need a very tight, strict, not strict, but strict as far as knowing where the boundaries are. Because if you don't have those boundaries, this kids will never know where to stop or where not to stop. Yeah, no, I agree. I think lack of boundaries creates a lot of confusion and anxiety for kids. And our boy does good with some ⁓ structure. Our girl, the th third kid I don't know yet. But our daughter is like no way she'll do good with structure, right? But she's so she doesn't need it. She's very creative. Yeah, she doesn't need it. I just feel at this point That some structure, interactions with peers, ⁓ and the fact that we've already kept them back for two years to understand, you know, bullying or who they are and so forth. ⁓ we've done a really, really good job of that. I do not really want to send them back to school. But the reason that I think it might be better for him to go back to school is because I had enrolled him in many different activities. And a part of homeschooling was going through with the activities because you can't just sit home and do nothing. So it was from the morning, there was a structure. We follow this, then we do this, then we do that, less time in the books and learning math and science and all that, but a lot more times doing other classes, tennis, piano, horseback riding, a bunch of classes that they were doing so they can develop different skills. But he one by one started complaining that I don't want to do horseback riding anymore. I quit piano. I don't want to do swimming classes anymore. So I was training him to be very good at each one of these. I was training him to join a swimming team if he ni wanted to. I was training him to be able to ride a horse really well. I was training him to learn different languages and he quit all of them one by one. I had the best piano teacher in town for him, and he quit. And After those happen, then I'm like, okay, there are two options you have. One is stay home. We do homeschooling, but you have to fulfill your classes. You don't want to do piano, pick up another instrument, but you have to do, you have to pick up these categories of classes that I designed for you. And if you don't want to do it, then your only choice becomes to go to school and be with other kids and learn with them. I know a big part of homeschooling is to have the child lead. And follow their lead. I am not fully able to do it that way. And that's just a confession that I want to make because I would love to be a mom that only stays home, only follows the kid, only does what the kid wants to do, and only takes the lead with authority, of course, but takes the lead of the child and is fully hundred percent present at all times, which it that's what it takes to do homeschooling the right way. I feel like if I go another five years or ten years like that and don't have anything going on for me, I will not be the happiest mom. And when I have realized that when my energy is expansive, when personally I have I'm thriving, I'm happy, I have expansive energy, they are thriving around me. And when I contract and I go inward, my energy becomes small and I'm stressed out. They follow the same path. They have more anxiety, they have more emotional dysregulation. So that's another factor that comes in. Yes, I don't want obedient kids. I don't want kids that are raised within certain structure of schooling. But I also want to be a happy mom. And I know for me personally, I've realized after years of you telling me that for me to be fully happy with myself, I have to have some time. It doesn't mean that it's from nine AM to four PM, but I need to have some time. I honestly think that I've seen you and I see the level of input you have in these kids. And the amount of intensity that you put in in your whatever number of hours, I think is above and beyond what most people would do. But it takes a tribe. And because of the fact that you don't have the peer pressure, because of the fact that you don't have the principal and the teacher and all that kind of stuff, all parties need to be all of that. Second weakness is that his type of brain function needs a little more discipline. Yeah. He's too smart for his own good. ⁓ he's extremely bright. We look at his mathematics. His at first grade he was doing fourth grade mathematics. He found his shortcuts. He gets it. So in my opinion, because of the reasons I at least thought and I explained, right, we need to t to put him in school. It's just which we do we go to Montessory Montessory School. Or we go to you know a traditional private school, like the one we're looking at is a Christian school. I'm a Jew, you're a Muslim, I'm putting a Christian school, which I will I would love that actually. Well their values were v from Bible but very universal and very much about humanity and spirituality and everything that we believe in. Would you keep the second kid out of school? Yes and no. I think our second child was a girl who's unbelievably bright, she has her own way. She's a fire. She's got her mind. I mean, she sits there for hours and hours focused on making me braceless like this. Or keychains. Or keychains, or just like this this this three dimensional puzzle that she spends hours on. She doesn't need to go to school. She doesn't. She can't. She even can't go to school. Waste of her time for her. The only reason I wanted some schooling. Is social interactions. And that's what I ask you. Yeah, maybe from this year we set up for three hours just to go socialize. I don't give a shit what they teach you. Well the thing is it's very hard to find a school that does only three hours a a day when you're at like elementary school or higher. No. I disagree. It's all about money. Pay the motherfuckers what they need, and they'll do whatever you want. Am I right? I mean some are, yeah. I'm I'm right. Pay the tuition for the year, pay two thousand dollars a month. They would love to take your money and have the kid occupy two hours of the day. For our daughter, I think she should go for a short period of time so she can socialize, have lunch with other kids, interact, and then she'll go to swimming, she'll go to rock climbing, she'll go to horseback riding, she'll does violin, she'll be on the swim team and all that. I love the fact that we spend so much time and energy. And input in every single decision that we make about the best outcome for our children, given the surrounding environment. Everybody I think has some sort of a surrounding environment that needs thinking about or having this back and forth until you figure out what the right thing is. The bottom line is I think we're learning. And if anybody out there has Anything that could help us, please let us know. ⁓ but we do the best that we can and I just realized in the past couple of weeks that I might have made a mistake of trying to push him while he was recovering and has his PTSD with this with this accident, you know, and and I feel like such a horrible dad. I feel horrible. ⁓ my god, did I push him too much? Or am I pushing him too much? Or did I not give him enough time to recover? And do I expect so much out of this eight-year-old kid that's been traumatized with getting hit in the face with a you know massive snowboard with an adult on it? One side is that, the other side is seeing other dads and how they push their kids and being like, Am I not pushing my kid enough? Am I not raising him right? Yeah, and and then his best friend. His dad is, you know, driving behind him at nighttime in in the h Vegas heat at a hundred and five degrees, doing a nine and a half minute mile. I'm like shit, you know, am I supposed to be doing that? Or the kid does a hundred push ups a day. He's seven. Is bidding his son to be an athlete. And the kid looks like an athlete, then he is gonna be an athlete. I've never learned so much until I became a parent. And I've never been so humbled until I became a parent. Yeah, every decision there is another side to it. Everything that we think we're doing right, there is a very good chance we're gonna look back and be like, ⁓ maybe I shouldn't have. Another thing that I think we're doing right is that we also have a team that we consult with. Yeah. We ask two or three or four different people, psychologists, child therapists, this and that. Some and all they're all good, but some have they different point of views and we just take all that and make it make a decision. It's just that's we're not shooting from the hip. But even at that, I think mistakes happen. But mistakes are allowed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mistakes are allowed. We are allowed to make mistakes as parents. Right. Even though a lot of times we don't think we are. One thing that I know is that the more We try to be perfect and do all the right things for our kids, the more we ruin them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, I I agree. I think perfect parenting is way worse than imperfect than any sort of imperfect parenting. And I think the biggest lesson that is had for me is to be able to take action and really surrender. The outcome, which is a work in progress. I don't think I I'm nearly there. But being able to let go of control and just I keep reminding myself that I can only control the effort that I put in. Right. And even with that, I have to be mindful of it, because I would kill myself with the effort. Thinking that this is the only thing I have control over. So let me just like put hundred times effort. But the outcome is the outcome. And I know. that by now. The more I hold the grip tighter. The more pressure I put on myself, the more pressure I put on my kids, and the harder their life becomes just because And the outcome is not that great. And the outcome we just don't know. We can't control the outcome. That's the truth. It's like playing tennis. The harder you hold that grip and you're not force it, you know, the much worse. The more rigid I keep wanting to do my best so much, I just I have no control over the outcome and I'm not used to that. It's hard to not have much Yeah. Like business, you make a decision, here's the outcome. patient comes in, you operate, you know, we do stem cells now. I mean, I know what to predict on these people that are coming to us. It's just beautiful. I love it. It's yeah. When it comes to parenting, it scares the shit out of me. I've been crying every day. ⁓ a little bit, like I'm doing something and then I'm like because I don't want to let go. I don't want to let go of control. I don't want him to go to school. I want to raise him. I don't want to send them away. I want them to be close to me. And I also I'm having a hard time having no life other than being a mom. I said it. We're working on a part time school for a first and third grader. Good luck to us. I probably have to start a school at this point. We just have to make a decision and believe in our decision. And go with it. Knowing some of the facts that we have and make the best that we could do. If anyone can help us with this, and I don't think it's a weakness, I think it's beautiful for us we're learning, but parenting is Eight years and lots of upside down. So please if you have any input, please let us know. We wanna learn from everybody and thank you so much. A lot of people are way more ahead of us in their parenting journey. So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We would love to get your input in this. Yeah.