Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S4 Ep30: 🔥 Preach It! The Funniest of Preacher Lawson 🤣.

Transcript

S4 Ep30: 🔥 Preach It! The Funniest of Preacher Lawson 🤣. · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

0:00
SPEAKER_00: I used to apply for jobs a lot.
0:02
SPEAKER_00: They wouldn't give me a job.
0:03
SPEAKER_00: Everywhere I go, I go to I go to uh I go to McDonald's.
0:07
SPEAKER_00: Oh, we're gonna hire managers and assistant managers.
0:09
SPEAKER_00: I go to Southwest Airlines.
0:10
SPEAKER_00: Oh, you gotta be certified to fly a plane.
0:12
SPEAKER_00: Shut up.
0:13
SPEAKER_00: I went, I went to the uh Florida mall to apply to be a security guard, which I thought it'd be super easy, because have y'all seen mall security?
0:22
SPEAKER_00: They're not real security.
0:23
SPEAKER_00: Like they're professional tattletellers, you know what I mean?
0:26
SPEAKER_00: Like they got plastic handcuffs.
0:28
SPEAKER_00: As long as you bring scissors when you steal something, you're free, right?
0:32
SPEAKER_00: So I just assumed they was gonna give me the job.
0:34
SPEAKER_00: So I was like, when do I start?
0:36
SPEAKER_00: They'd be like, oh, in order for you to work here, you gotta take a 40-hour class, right?
0:39
SPEAKER_00: Take the 40-hour class, and you don't take the class, they're gonna give you a test, right?
0:43
SPEAKER_00: Take a test, and then you probably test, you don't give a still again.
0:46
SPEAKER_00: You come back there, diligent, and you da da da da da da da da.
0:49
SPEAKER_00: It was so annoying, right?
0:50
SPEAKER_00: But I really need the job.
0:52
SPEAKER_00: So I took the 40-hour class, took me three weeks for some reason.
0:55
SPEAKER_00: And when I came back, I was like, hey y'all, guess who's certified to be a security guard?
0:59
SPEAKER_00: They're like, sorry, but we just hired another candidate for the job.
1:03
SPEAKER_00: But I'm like, all right, well, I'm about to blow up this mall.
1:06
SPEAKER_00: Because it just took me three weeks to do this class, and you ain't gonna hire me.
1:10
SPEAKER_00: Is that what you're saying?
1:11
SPEAKER_00: They're like, sorry, but if we have an opening, we'll let you know.
1:14
SPEAKER_00: I was like, you need let me know, because I don't need this stupid job.
1:16
SPEAKER_00: But I didn't say that out loud because I need that stupid job.
1:18
SPEAKER_00: So I was like, yeah, whenever you get a chance, let me know.
1:20
SPEAKER_00: And so I was walking out and I was calming down.
1:22
SPEAKER_00: I was like, whoosar, preacher'll be fine.
1:24
SPEAKER_00: There's plenty of jobs out there.
1:25
SPEAKER_00: You don't need this job.
1:26
SPEAKER_00: And I was calming down, and then I didn't until I seen the guy, they hired instead of me.
1:31
SPEAKER_00: Then I flipped out because the guy they hired instead of me had no arms.
1:37
SPEAKER_00: I don't think that some of y'all heard me, right?
1:39
SPEAKER_00: So the guy they hired instead of me had no arms, y'all.
1:44
SPEAKER_00: I was so mad I wanted to steal something just because I know he can't do anything.
1:50
SPEAKER_00: If I stole something, what could a normal security guard do?
1:56
SPEAKER_00: Did you pay for them back everymans?
1:58
SPEAKER_00: Oh, you didn't pay.
1:59
SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you something, boy.
2:01
SPEAKER_00: You had the right to remain silent.
2:03
SPEAKER_00: Anything you do, can we ever use against you in the food court of the mall?
2:07
SPEAKER_00: Get these plastic cuffs out the back of my pockets and arrest yourself.
2:12
SPEAKER_00: Get these cuffs out of the back of my pocket and arrest yourself.
2:16
SPEAKER_00: I was just tripping.
2:18
SPEAKER_00: Whoa, did you trip me?
2:19
SPEAKER_00: As soon as somebody rolled me over, it is going down.
2:23
SPEAKER_00: You the must.
2:28
SPEAKER_00: And he'd be like, he'd be like, put your hands by your back.
2:31
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, you first.
2:39
SPEAKER_00: I know I'm going to hell for that.
2:40
SPEAKER_00: I already know, okay?
2:42
SPEAKER_00: I just didn't want to go alone.
2:43
SPEAKER_00: Thanks for laughing.
2:44
SPEAKER_00: You're a part of it now.
2:45
SPEAKER_00: We're all going on the holy land.
2:48
SPEAKER_00: I need a cigarette.
2:50
SPEAKER_00: I don't smoke cigarettes, but I should, I never I want to start right now.
2:54
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna start.
2:55
SPEAKER_00: I just feel like it's a cool thing to say.
2:57
SPEAKER_00: I don't understand why people smoke cigarettes anymore.
2:59
SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
3:00
SPEAKER_00: Like back in the day, you know, back in the day, they prescribed if you've been doing it for a long time.
3:04
SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking about you, but if you're new to cigarettes, you're just a dumb person.
3:08
SPEAKER_00: Because like there's so many better options.
3:11
SPEAKER_00: Isn't weed legal here?
3:13
SPEAKER_00: Almost?
3:13
SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.
3:14
SPEAKER_00: Well, smoke cigarettes, my bad.
3:15
SPEAKER_00: I thought it was legal.
3:16
SPEAKER_00: I was trying to find you a better option.
3:18
SPEAKER_00: All right, well, I love I love traveling doing comedy.
3:21
SPEAKER_00: I think it's so cool.
3:22
SPEAKER_00: I think it's a lot of fun.
3:23
SPEAKER_00: Get to be in Chicago, you know what I mean?
3:26
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
3:30
SPEAKER_00: I got to be in Phoenix.
3:31
SPEAKER_00: Phoenix is too hot for life.
3:33
SPEAKER_00: Have y'all been to Phoenix?
3:34
SPEAKER_00: Why is it that hot?
3:35
SPEAKER_00: If I lived in Phoenix, I would try to go to hell just to cool off.
3:38
SPEAKER_00: Like, that's how hot.
3:40
SPEAKER_00: Man, I went there, I was so arrogant.
3:41
SPEAKER_00: I was like, I don't care how hot it is.
3:43
SPEAKER_00: I don't even get some burns.
3:45
SPEAKER_00: And then Phoenix was like, challenge accepted.
3:47
SPEAKER_00: It is so hot.
3:49
SPEAKER_00: I was a white three weeks ago.
3:51
SPEAKER_00: You understand?
3:52
SPEAKER_00: I was like, why do I keep getting pulled over?
3:55
SPEAKER_00: You know, it's so weird now.
3:56
SPEAKER_00: You know, so I was suddenly happening.
4:00
SPEAKER_00: And uh, I did a show in St.
4:01
SPEAKER_00: Augustine, Florida.
4:02
SPEAKER_00: That was cool, man.
4:03
SPEAKER_00: St.
4:03
SPEAKER_00: Augustine, Florida is the oldest city in America.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: A lot of people don't know that for some reason.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: It's the oldest city in America.
4:09
SPEAKER_00: Another fun fact about St.
4:10
SPEAKER_00: Augustine is the people that first lived there still do.
4:14
SPEAKER_00: So many old people.
4:15
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
4:16
SPEAKER_00: That's like heaven's waiting room.
4:18
SPEAKER_00: You know, everyone there is old.
4:20
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, man.
4:20
SPEAKER_00: It's also where they grow white people.
4:22
SPEAKER_00: There's no black people there at all.
4:24
SPEAKER_00: We're like unicorns.
4:26
SPEAKER_00: My shadow ain't even black in St.
4:27
SPEAKER_00: Augustine, Florida.
4:28
SPEAKER_00: There's three black people there.
4:30
SPEAKER_00: That's not even true, there's two, because I left.
4:31
SPEAKER_00: There's two black people, and they are ancient.
4:34
SPEAKER_00: Like when I was performing there, there was one black lady in the front row.
4:37
SPEAKER_00: She was super old, looked like the last survivor of Harriet Tubman's Underground Railroad, right?
4:42
SPEAKER_00: And she didn't even laugh at me.
4:44
SPEAKER_00: She used to be looking at me mad the whole time.
4:46
SPEAKER_00: Like, why are you mad, ma'am?
4:48
SPEAKER_00: You should be happy, you're free now.
4:49
SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
4:51
SPEAKER_00: You know?
4:52
SPEAKER_00: You can laugh at white people, I can say that, okay?
4:55
SPEAKER_00: My best friend, black.
4:56
SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm good.
4:57
SPEAKER_00: I got a black customer.
4:59
SPEAKER_00: So just saying she was old, she was like 90, she had braces on.
5:03
SPEAKER_00: I was like, for what?
5:04
SPEAKER_00: Like, a little too late now.
5:06
SPEAKER_00: Like, who you trying to look sexy for?
5:08
SPEAKER_00: Jesus?
5:09
SPEAKER_00: Because that's who you about to meet, okay?
5:10
SPEAKER_00: Like, who with braces on fake teeth?
5:13
SPEAKER_00: You don't think it's weird that someone ordered dentures with gaps in it or something?
5:18
SPEAKER_00: That's weird.
5:19
SPEAKER_00: Whatever.
5:20
SPEAKER_00: Just saying she was old.
5:23
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if she was in like 90 for real.
5:24
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
5:25
SPEAKER_00: I don't like guessing women's ages because I'm a genius.
5:27
SPEAKER_00: I'm not stupid.
5:28
SPEAKER_00: It's a trap, ain't it?
5:29
SPEAKER_00: I don't, yeah.
5:30
SPEAKER_00: You don't guess women's age, especially someone younger, they flip out.
5:33
SPEAKER_00: You could be closer to the age, they still flip out.
5:36
SPEAKER_00: Well, you like, we like 25 or something.
5:38
SPEAKER_00: 25?
5:41
SPEAKER_00: Are you serious?
5:43
SPEAKER_00: Really?
5:43
SPEAKER_00: Look at her 25 and 24.
5:48
SPEAKER_00: That was close enough.
5:50
SPEAKER_00: Older women, as long as you're within the same century, they're fine.
5:53
SPEAKER_00: Like, they don't even care anymore.
5:54
SPEAKER_00: You be like after the moon landing, you saw your channel, man.
5:58
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
6:00
SPEAKER_00: So now way out here, yo.
6:04
SPEAKER_00: Right?
6:05
SPEAKER_00: And dudes, we try to act like we don't care, right?
6:08
SPEAKER_00: But we care.
6:09
SPEAKER_00: I know I care, I know I'm getting older, right?
6:11
SPEAKER_00: I know I'm getting older.
6:12
SPEAKER_00: Because when I was younger, people used to tell me all the time, don't worry about it, preacher.
6:16
SPEAKER_00: You got your whole life ahead of you.
6:18
SPEAKER_00: You know what they tell me now?
6:19
SPEAKER_00: You still got time.
6:20
SPEAKER_00: That's what they tell me.
6:26
SPEAKER_00: I guess it's one dude's age.
6:27
SPEAKER_00: This is how I know any men care about your ages being guests, because I went to the bathroom, and I guess this dude's, okay, well, let me explain that.
6:34
SPEAKER_00: I'm just not kicking down doors.
6:36
SPEAKER_00: How old are you?
6:36
SPEAKER_00: And I'm not doing that, right?
6:38
SPEAKER_00: I was what happened was I went to use the restroom because I drank a coffee that, you know, earlier that day.
6:43
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if y'all drink coffee, but I don't normally drink coffee.
6:45
SPEAKER_00: And when I do, I feel great.
6:47
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, man, I'm so energized and I feel alert, and I just, why don't I drink more coffee?
6:52
SPEAKER_00: And then my booty's like, this is why.
6:54
SPEAKER_00: And then snuck up on me.
6:56
SPEAKER_00: And I went to the bathroom, I was like, you know what I mean?
6:58
SPEAKER_00: You ever do like, you got a sauce on your way?
6:59
SPEAKER_00: You're like, I gotta go to the bathroom, right?
7:03
SPEAKER_00: I went to the bathroom and it was weird because I went to the, you ever go to a public restroom and you knock on the stall to see if someone's in there, right?
7:10
SPEAKER_00: I knocked on the stall of the guy inside.
7:12
SPEAKER_00: So this open.
7:24
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what they expect me to do.
7:25
SPEAKER_00: Scoot on over, like it was weird.
7:28
SPEAKER_00: So I went to the next stall, right?
7:30
SPEAKER_00: And uh I went to the next, you ever go to like use the bathroom and you think you only gotta pee, and then you get there, your body's like, nah, son, we got more work to do.
7:39
SPEAKER_00: And I destroyed that bathroom.
7:41
SPEAKER_00: I couldn't breathe for 11 seconds.
7:42
SPEAKER_00: I lost brain cells.
7:44
SPEAKER_00: I was like, why is my arm in the toilet?
7:46
SPEAKER_00: It was so big.
7:47
SPEAKER_00: Anyway, so when I got there, it was an automatic toilet, right?
7:51
SPEAKER_00: I hate automatic toilets, I hate automatic anything.
7:53
SPEAKER_00: I hate automatic toilets, I hate automatic lights.
7:56
SPEAKER_00: Why do y'all have automatic lights in the bathroom?
7:58
SPEAKER_00: That don't make any sense.
7:59
SPEAKER_00: You'll be in the bathroom getting your groove on and the lights just shut off.
8:02
SPEAKER_00: You're like, oh fuck! I can't stay.
8:05
SPEAKER_00: You're up there throwing toilet paper to get the sensors go off.
8:08
SPEAKER_00: It's so annoying.
8:10
SPEAKER_00: And this stupid automatic toilet, people like them.
8:12
SPEAKER_00: Oh, they flush automatically, old cool.
8:15
SPEAKER_00: You don't know when, okay?
8:16
SPEAKER_00: Right?
8:17
SPEAKER_00: Just like a rush roulette for your booty.
8:19
SPEAKER_00: I don't like that, right?
8:20
SPEAKER_00: My mom was strict growing up.
8:22
SPEAKER_00: She was super strict.
8:23
SPEAKER_00: We couldn't watch Batman growing up.
8:25
SPEAKER_00: We couldn't, the Halloween was the devil's birthday, right?
8:29
SPEAKER_00: She couldn't have squirt guns.
8:30
SPEAKER_00: She likes squirt guns are too much like guns.
8:32
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I don't think you ever had a gun before, mom.
8:34
SPEAKER_00: Like, oh no one's gonna rob you with a super soaker, like, give me all the money, woman, or your makeup is gone.
8:40
SPEAKER_00: Like, that's not a thing.
8:42
SPEAKER_00: That's stupid.
8:44
SPEAKER_00: She used to wash her mouth out with soap for saying cuss words in the house.
8:49
SPEAKER_00: With so I'm not talking about this jail soap you could just rub, I'm talking about the dummy, the one you can't breathe with for saying cuss words in the house.
8:57
SPEAKER_00: You know cuss words like shut up, dang it, stupid, you know, not cuss words.
9:06
SPEAKER_00: Let me say a real cuss word, bro.
9:08
SPEAKER_00: I wish I would say a real cuss word, all right?
9:10
SPEAKER_00: Now I wouldn't, that's an automatic beat down.
9:12
SPEAKER_00: You don't even gotta be related to my mom to get whooped for cussing in her house.
9:17
SPEAKER_00: My best friend growing up, his name is red, like the color.
9:20
SPEAKER_00: His name used to be Fred, he cussed in front of my mom, she beat the F out of him.
9:24
SPEAKER_00: And then I like how y'all just apply to child abuse, but whatever.
9:40
SPEAKER_00: Big damn kids.
9:44
SPEAKER_00: Mom is great, man.
9:46
SPEAKER_00: Mommy, she would she would never flip out on us, though.
9:48
SPEAKER_00: She would never flip out on something in public.
9:50
SPEAKER_00: You know, my mom would not flip it.
9:52
SPEAKER_00: Some some parents just lose it on their kids.
9:54
SPEAKER_00: My mom, if I was acting up in public, she would just hug me.
9:57
SPEAKER_00: That's all she would do.
9:58
SPEAKER_00: She would be like, you just need some loving, that's all you need.
10:01
SPEAKER_00: He just needs some loving.
10:02
SPEAKER_00: Kitchen some love, boy.
10:03
SPEAKER_00: Come here.
10:03
SPEAKER_00: Come on.
10:04
SPEAKER_00: You just come on, you trip.
10:05
SPEAKER_00: Come here, come here.
10:06
SPEAKER_00: You wanna die, little boy?
10:09
SPEAKER_00: I will kill you.
10:10
SPEAKER_00: Keep on acting up.
10:13
SPEAKER_00: I love you.
10:14
SPEAKER_00: All right, you done crying?
10:17
SPEAKER_00: You all done, all right.
10:20
SPEAKER_00: Sometime he needs a hug, that's all he.
10:25
SPEAKER_00: My mom does some silly stuff.
10:27
SPEAKER_00: One time for my birthday, she bought me a race car bed, right?
10:31
SPEAKER_00: When I was in high school.
10:32
SPEAKER_00: So I was like, it's not the kind of car I wanted, mom.
10:37
SPEAKER_00: She got me a race car bed in high school.
10:44
SPEAKER_00: That's my mom right there, by the way.
10:45
SPEAKER_00: So, like, hold on, hold on, hold on.
10:59
SPEAKER_00: Did you not give me a race come up at in high school?
11:02
SPEAKER_00: It was high school.
11:03
SPEAKER_00: What are you talking about?
11:05
SPEAKER_00: She didn't give me a race to my bed in high school.
11:07
SPEAKER_00: It was a hundred percent high school.
11:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, she thought it was a good idea too.
11:10
SPEAKER_00: She was like, what do you want for your birthday?
11:11
SPEAKER_00: I was like, I don't even care if mom surprised me.
11:13
SPEAKER_00: Then she was like, surprise.
11:15
SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh snap.
11:17
SPEAKER_00: This is stuff that got me a race car bed in high school.
11:21
SPEAKER_00: Who the heck buys a 21-year-old a race car bed?
11:26
SPEAKER_00: That's it, man.
11:29
SPEAKER_00: No, I couldn't even couldn't even bring my friends over.
11:32
SPEAKER_00: They make fun of me.
11:33
SPEAKER_00: Hey, preacher, how fast can you go to sleep?
11:35
SPEAKER_00: Like, shut up, man.
11:38
SPEAKER_00: So annoying, man.