Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #229 Fast is Slow & Slow is Fast

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#229 Fast is Slow & Slow is Fast · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
0:05
Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
0:09
Speaker 2: wants answers.
0:10
Speaker 3: Now, when you try to do it the quick way,
0:12
Speaker 3: it often ends up taking longer. If not in the
0:14
Speaker 3: immediate short term, over time it takes longer.
0:17
Speaker 2: And now here's the stars of our show.
0:20
Speaker 3: My mum and dad. Hello, this is doctor Justin Coulson
0:24
Speaker 3: and my wife. Kindly. We are the parents of six children,
0:27
Speaker 3: and I've written six books about raising happy families. And
0:31
Speaker 3: I'm feeling lucky to be alive today because our third daughter,
0:37
Speaker 3: she's about to get a driver's license, and it's it's
0:43
Speaker 3: sometimes you really do take your life into your hands
0:46
Speaker 3: when you get into the passenger seat of a car
0:49
Speaker 3: beside an l player, don't you well, I think.
0:51
Speaker 2: You kind of draw the short end of the straw
0:53
Speaker 2: there from the very beginning, because after my very first
0:56
Speaker 2: learning experience with our elder.
1:00
Speaker 3: Have we told that story in this podcast.
1:01
Speaker 1: I don't know if we have. I don't know if
1:03
Speaker 1: we should.
1:03
Speaker 3: No, no, no, I'm telling it right now. Do you want
1:05
Speaker 3: to tell it? You were the one that was in
1:06
Speaker 3: the car. I'm going to tell it while you laugh
1:09
Speaker 3: and you jump in and fill in the details because
1:12
Speaker 3: this is so good. So Chanelle is our eldest daughter
1:15
Speaker 3: several I don't know how many years ago, it was
1:17
Speaker 3: now like seven eight years ago, she got her else.
1:20
Speaker 3: She was so excited, and Kylie was the one that
1:23
Speaker 3: took you. Took her to the motor Registry to do
1:26
Speaker 3: the test and she got her learner permit to drive
1:28
Speaker 3: a car. And I specifically had said, because it was
1:31
Speaker 3: before school, she was getting to school late so that
1:33
Speaker 3: she could do it, and I had specifically said, don't
1:36
Speaker 3: let her get behind the wheel. I'll take her out tonight.
1:39
Speaker 3: I feel like this is a kind of a it's
1:40
Speaker 3: a daddy daughter thing. It's something that I want to
1:42
Speaker 3: do with the girls. I want to teach them to drive.
1:44
Speaker 3: You teach them so much, and this is something that
1:46
Speaker 3: I can do. So I wanted to have that experience.
1:48
Speaker 3: It wasn't because I thought i'd be better or anything
1:49
Speaker 3: like that. It was just I want to teach you
1:51
Speaker 3: to drive, but you didn't listen. Did you come on?
1:56
Speaker 3: Tell us what happened?
1:58
Speaker 2: Well, she was so excited, and I just wanted to
2:01
Speaker 2: be the cool mum, and so I decided that the
2:05
Speaker 2: first mistake.
2:06
Speaker 3: It's not about being the cool mum. And by the way,
2:08
Speaker 3: this is not what the podcasts about, but the story
2:10
Speaker 3: is just so good. So so you're trying to be
2:11
Speaker 3: the cool moum. What happens?
2:12
Speaker 2: So I took her down to a nearby church car
2:15
Speaker 2: park and I let her get behind the wheel. Now
2:19
Speaker 2: you need to understand that Chanelle has actually never got
2:23
Speaker 2: behind the wheel of a car.
2:24
Speaker 3: Oh, and it was a manual.
2:25
Speaker 2: That was the big The big challenge was that she
2:28
Speaker 2: was actually going to be learning to drive a manual, because.
2:31
Speaker 3: I'm a stickler for the rules, right, you don't drive
2:33
Speaker 3: until you've got your learner's permit.
2:35
Speaker 2: But in Chanelle's defense, she'd been watching all of her
2:37
Speaker 2: friends who had been getting behind their parents' wheels and
2:41
Speaker 2: you know, driving just in the car park, these little
2:43
Speaker 2: nice little reverse for reverse bag you drive forward just
2:48
Speaker 2: as little. They weren't doing anything major, but she didn't
2:51
Speaker 2: understand that they were actually in automatic cars and so
2:55
Speaker 2: it wasn't taking a huge amount of skill to you know,
2:57
Speaker 2: put your foot on the accelerator and get the car moving.
3:01
Speaker 1: So we're sitting in the car park and she is
3:04
Speaker 1: just pumped.
3:06
Speaker 2: She is so excited that she finally gets to get
3:10
Speaker 2: this car moving. And it didn't matter what I did
3:13
Speaker 2: with her, We just she could not get that rhythm
3:16
Speaker 2: you know that you need with your clutch and your accelerator.
3:19
Speaker 3: It's pretty tricky when you've never done it before and
3:21
Speaker 3: you've never had the experience of even understanding how it works.
3:24
Speaker 2: I really, really, really thought I was going to be awesome.
3:27
Speaker 1: I did.
3:28
Speaker 2: I honestly, I thought I was going to be awesome
3:31
Speaker 2: at this. So we bunny hopped that kind of fifteen
3:35
Speaker 2: meter driveway for about twenty minutes. There was smoke coming
3:39
Speaker 2: out of the exhaust vibe, and I finally looked at
3:42
Speaker 2: her and I said, you know what, we've been here
3:44
Speaker 2: for twenty minutes. I think that we need to call
3:46
Speaker 2: it quits.
3:47
Speaker 3: And just we've already destroyed the clutch. We probably should
3:50
Speaker 3: go now right.
3:51
Speaker 1: Go to school.
3:52
Speaker 2: And she just wanted to have that feeling of freedom,
3:55
Speaker 2: and you know.
3:55
Speaker 1: The car driving down the road. She had it.
3:58
Speaker 2: All pictured and she just she was so excited. And
4:01
Speaker 2: I finally gave in and I said, all right, I said,
4:04
Speaker 2: do you think that you could get the car rolling
4:06
Speaker 2: forward so that we can actually pull out onto the road.
4:09
Speaker 2: It was a nice quiet road and you can just
4:12
Speaker 2: kind of turn ninety degrees and pull up along the
4:14
Speaker 2: side the curb.
4:15
Speaker 1: Way.
4:15
Speaker 2: Even now when I'm saying it, I can't believe that
4:17
Speaker 2: I thought that she could do it.
4:19
Speaker 3: I can.
4:20
Speaker 2: I know, it's just but at the time it just
4:23
Speaker 2: seemed like such a simple request. So we got we
4:28
Speaker 2: got the car started, and you say we.
4:31
Speaker 3: I mean Chanelle turned the ignition on with her foot
4:33
Speaker 3: on the clutch of it. She did did money help?
4:35
Speaker 2: Yet she did, and we actually made it up the driveway.
4:39
Speaker 2: We actually got some you know, good momentum. The problem
4:42
Speaker 2: was that when she got out of the driveway in
4:45
Speaker 2: into the street, she's now at a ninety degree angle
4:47
Speaker 2: in the middle of the road, and she's panicked, and
4:50
Speaker 2: so she's over corrected herself. So we've done a full
4:53
Speaker 2: one eighty and we're now facing the church and she
5:00
Speaker 2: driving straight towards the filming. We've gone up over the
5:06
Speaker 2: curb and we've gone head first into the church building.
5:12
Speaker 3: So what happens here is that you've got the baby
5:15
Speaker 3: in the backseat.
5:16
Speaker 1: I had the baby in the backseat. I can't befuily
5:18
Speaker 1: be telling everybody I.
5:20
Speaker 3: Trapped in But again, this is one of these great
5:23
Speaker 3: learning experiences that we all have because we're not complete
5:27
Speaker 3: and fully perfect human beings. I get a phone call
5:31
Speaker 3: from Kylie Uh, and it's something like, justin, can you
5:35
Speaker 3: come down to the nearby church building. There's something that
5:38
Speaker 3: I think that you really need to see. And in
5:41
Speaker 3: my mind, I've got two thoughts that clash instantly. Thought
5:45
Speaker 3: Number one, Chanelle's driving the car and Kylie wants me
5:49
Speaker 3: to see how good she is at it, and exactly
5:52
Speaker 3: the same time, this, well, what a ridiculous thing that is.
5:55
Speaker 3: She's crashed the car because she can't drive. So I've
5:58
Speaker 3: driven down. I get there and Chanelle is in tears.
6:02
Speaker 3: The air bags have exploded, the front end of the
6:05
Speaker 3: car is right off, Chanelle's boiling, her eyes up, like
6:08
Speaker 3: I said, and you're standing there going thumb twiddling sort
6:11
Speaker 3: of thing.
6:12
Speaker 2: So we hadn't actually planned to tell that story at all,
6:14
Speaker 2: not even a bit. And it's really really painted me
6:16
Speaker 2: in a really bad light.
6:17
Speaker 1: But do you know what it actually.
6:18
Speaker 3: That's why I've now taught all of our children to
6:20
Speaker 3: drive who are able to. I'm now the driving instructor,
6:24
Speaker 3: and I actually.
6:25
Speaker 1: Get anxiety being in the car with the kids. It's
6:27
Speaker 1: very very scary.
6:29
Speaker 3: Well, so to why it is very very scary. But
6:32
Speaker 3: the purpose of our podcast today is actually talk about
6:34
Speaker 3: a really important principle that matters in family life and
6:36
Speaker 3: life in general in a whole range of different ways.
6:39
Speaker 3: And I think that this story accidentally illustrates it just perfectly,
6:44
Speaker 3: and that is that fast is slow and slow is fast.
6:52
Speaker 2: Okay, well, the fast thing would have been for me
6:54
Speaker 2: to just drive the car myself.
6:55
Speaker 3: Yes, that's right, you know, let's talk about what that
6:58
Speaker 3: actually means right after the break. It's the Happy Families Podcast.
7:02
Speaker 4: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
7:06
Speaker 4: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts
7:08
Speaker 4: of discipline. Theres a webinar to help parents set limits
7:11
Speaker 4: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happy
7:15
Speaker 4: families dot com, dot au slash shop.
7:18
Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time
7:20
Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now.
7:23
Speaker 1: And we have been talking about my.
7:25
Speaker 2: Probably biggest parenting blonder in the history of my parenting journey.
7:30
Speaker 3: We have made a couple of big ones, but this
7:32
Speaker 3: is up there. It's definitely top three. So she now
7:35
Speaker 3: writes off our car and we're talking about this idea
7:37
Speaker 3: of fast as slow, slow as fast. I was just
7:40
Speaker 3: that we got onto that because I've been teaching out
7:42
Speaker 3: the daughter too. She's about to get her peeplates and
7:45
Speaker 3: I don't quite think she's ready, but I thought that
7:47
Speaker 3: about our second one, and she got them as well.
7:48
Speaker 3: And mind you, still getting nervous when I get in
7:52
Speaker 3: the car with her. So the idea of fast is slow,
7:55
Speaker 3: slow as fast applies in so many different places. What
7:59
Speaker 3: happens when you try to do something too fast is
8:01
Speaker 3: you actually end up slowing the process down, especially when
8:04
Speaker 3: we're talking about something like teaching your children to survive
8:07
Speaker 3: in life, like to drive a car by trying to
8:10
Speaker 3: go fast, by trying to get her to do something
8:13
Speaker 3: before she was developmentally capable of doing it. She hadn't
8:16
Speaker 3: had the training, she hadn't had the induction, She hadn't
8:18
Speaker 3: had the experience that she needed to manage a clutch
8:24
Speaker 3: and accelerator at the same time while turning a wheel
8:27
Speaker 3: ninety degrees to the left to pull the car up.
8:29
Speaker 3: She just didn't have that experience. So fast actually turns
8:33
Speaker 3: into something slow.
8:34
Speaker 1: That is, she.
8:35
Speaker 2: Decided she was not even going to get back behind
8:37
Speaker 2: the wheel, didn't she right?
8:38
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I had to do a little bit of
8:40
Speaker 3: gentle exposure therapy with her to help her feel safe
8:43
Speaker 3: getting into a car again, and particularly sitting behind a
8:45
Speaker 3: wheel of a car.
8:46
Speaker 1: Is that what you've been doing with me all this year?
8:48
Speaker 3: And so what we're really getting at is we do
8:51
Speaker 3: this with the kids all the time. And a simple
8:53
Speaker 3: example the little children is shoelacers. Right, it's just faster
8:56
Speaker 3: to tie little kids shoelacers up.
8:59
Speaker 1: No, you just by think it's faster.
9:01
Speaker 3: To buy a velcrow. But if they do have to
9:03
Speaker 3: wear lace ups, you just get down on the ground
9:05
Speaker 3: and do it because it's painful. It takes a long
9:06
Speaker 3: time to tie shoes up. I don't know what the
9:09
Speaker 3: stats are, but I reckon back in the olden days,
9:11
Speaker 3: when we were kids, we learned to tie up our shoes,
9:13
Speaker 3: probably by the age of four.
9:15
Speaker 1: I think you.
9:16
Speaker 2: Guys just left your shoelaces undone. I think they just
9:19
Speaker 2: tripped over them all the time.
9:20
Speaker 3: No, I was tying up my shoes, thank you very much, missus.
9:23
Speaker 3: Happy families. But nowadays, like kids are six and seven
9:27
Speaker 3: and they wouldn't have a clue how to type their
9:29
Speaker 3: shoe lacers. It's just not a thing. And so if
9:32
Speaker 3: you go with the fast option, it just takes longer
9:35
Speaker 3: and longer and longer. It's slower and slower and slower
9:38
Speaker 3: until you can get the outcome. Another example, kids doing
9:41
Speaker 3: chores around the house. How's that going?
9:45
Speaker 1: Okay?
9:45
Speaker 2: So this is probably my biggest blunder. I really really
9:49
Speaker 2: struggle with this because I like things done a certain way,
9:52
Speaker 2: and you know, whether.
9:53
Speaker 3: It's I'm not allowed to fold a towel because I
9:56
Speaker 3: can't not allowed to because whenever I do, I try
10:00
Speaker 3: to copy the way you'd so Kylie. For those of
10:02
Speaker 3: you who are new to the podcast and don't know
10:04
Speaker 3: much about Kylie, Kylie just has this incredible ability not
10:08
Speaker 3: just to fold towels, but to make things look beautiful.
10:11
Speaker 3: And our house looks beautiful because of your skills and
10:15
Speaker 3: your strengths, and that this particular talent that you have.
10:18
Speaker 3: But Kylie also has this sort of perfectionistic streak in
10:22
Speaker 3: that it doesn't just apply to making sure that the
10:24
Speaker 3: living room looks nice, so that the bedrooms are well decorated.
10:27
Speaker 3: It's like the towels have to be magazine folded kind
10:31
Speaker 3: of thing. And so I do my best, and I've
10:33
Speaker 3: watched and I've learned, and even my very best is
10:36
Speaker 3: probably about a six and a.
10:38
Speaker 1: Half, very generous.
10:40
Speaker 3: Oh gosh, I can't even fold a towel, crying out loud.
10:43
Speaker 3: I've got a pH d in psychology and I can't
10:45
Speaker 3: fold a towel. And so you've been trying to teach
10:49
Speaker 3: our kids how to get this right, Well for.
10:52
Speaker 1: Many years, I didn't even try.
10:54
Speaker 3: Well, I think that's the point.
10:55
Speaker 2: Isn't it much faster for me to do it? I
10:57
Speaker 2: get the job done the way I want to get
10:59
Speaker 2: it done, and we move on. Yeah, one of the
11:02
Speaker 2: things that you're really good at is that whole induction
11:06
Speaker 2: process and helping our children to learn these skills. And
11:09
Speaker 2: I kind of look at you and I roll my eyes.
11:10
Speaker 2: I'm like, I don't have time for this. I just
11:12
Speaker 2: need to get the job done.
11:13
Speaker 3: We're running out of time on the podcast. But can
11:15
Speaker 3: I share a story about why I'm good at induction?
11:17
Speaker 1: Okay, let's go.
11:19
Speaker 3: So my dad runs a furniture moving company. My dad's
11:23
Speaker 3: been a furniture removalist. Well, first off, he was a milkman,
11:26
Speaker 3: and then he became a furniture removalist and dad runs
11:29
Speaker 3: this furniture moving company, and as I was doing my studies,
11:33
Speaker 3: I worked during the week in retail or at I
11:36
Speaker 3: had another job, but then on the weekends I would
11:38
Speaker 3: do furniture removals. And one time one of Dad's trucks
11:43
Speaker 3: was nearby and he asked me to go and help
11:45
Speaker 3: his driver to unload some furniture, including a piano, into
11:50
Speaker 3: a nearby suburb. So I jumped in the car and
11:52
Speaker 3: drove over there to do that because it was a
11:54
Speaker 3: little bit of extra money, and we were students and
11:55
Speaker 3: we had none, so I was saying yes to any
11:57
Speaker 3: work I could get. What I didn't know is that
11:59
Speaker 3: the guy that I was helping was brand new. He'd
12:01
Speaker 3: never moved pianos ever. It was one of his first jobs.
12:06
Speaker 3: And I had been working on furniture trucks for my
12:09
Speaker 3: entire life with Dad, but I'd never sort of been
12:11
Speaker 3: in charge. I just kind of did whatever I was told.
12:14
Speaker 3: But this guy didn't know how to move the piano,
12:16
Speaker 3: and I just figured that we'd do what I'd always done,
12:18
Speaker 3: but I got it totally wrong, and what ended up
12:20
Speaker 3: happening is that we lifted the piano onto the little
12:23
Speaker 3: piano trolley and we started to push it towards the doors,
12:26
Speaker 3: and I was underneath, or you know, at the base
12:29
Speaker 3: of the piano, so that as it starts to go
12:30
Speaker 3: down the ramp, I'm acting as the break and he's
12:33
Speaker 3: at the top and he's pulling it towards the top
12:35
Speaker 3: to try to slow the speed of the piano going
12:37
Speaker 3: down the ramp, because those ramps can be kind of steep.
12:40
Speaker 3: And what ended up happening was that I had my
12:43
Speaker 3: arms outstretched and I'm pushing against it like I'm pushing
12:46
Speaker 3: against a wall. And the piano starts to roll down
12:49
Speaker 3: the ramp and I hear him say ah, because it
12:53
Speaker 3: was really heavy, and I think, oh, because my arms
12:56
Speaker 3: started to buckle. You know, my elbows just started to
12:58
Speaker 3: bend because pianos are heavy. This thing was an old,
13:01
Speaker 3: like I was one hundred and fifty year old piano.
13:03
Speaker 3: It was an old piano, and he's starting to lose
13:05
Speaker 3: his grip and my arms are starting to buckle, and
13:07
Speaker 3: the piano's picking up speed, and then all of a sudden,
13:09
Speaker 3: it crashes into my shoulder and I dive off of
13:12
Speaker 3: the ramp and the piano follows me and it literally
13:14
Speaker 3: rolled across me. And somehow I didn't break, but the
13:19
Speaker 3: piano did into hundreds of pieces all across the road.
13:23
Speaker 3: And when we rang my dad to tell him, he said,
13:26
Speaker 3: tell me exactly what happened. And so I told him
13:29
Speaker 3: about what ramp, you know, what part of the truck
13:32
Speaker 3: we were pulling it out of, and he said, that's
13:34
Speaker 3: the highest and steepest part of the truck. You've always
13:36
Speaker 3: got to go out to the back, not the side.
13:38
Speaker 3: And he said the camera of the road meant that
13:40
Speaker 3: the ramp was even steeper because you were going out
13:42
Speaker 3: the wrong side. And by the way, when I told
13:44
Speaker 3: him that I didn't have my shoulder pushed against the piano,
13:46
Speaker 3: I had my hands outstretched against it. He said, your elbows, Ben,
13:50
Speaker 3: You've got to have your shoulder into it. And Dad
13:52
Speaker 3: walked me through this process of induction. About an hour
13:54
Speaker 3: or too late. The piano was just a ride off.
13:58
Speaker 3: And so that's really the principle. How fast is slow?
14:01
Speaker 3: When you try to do it the quick way, it
14:03
Speaker 3: often ends up taking longer, if not in the immediate
14:06
Speaker 3: short term, over time, it takes longer. Whereas if you
14:09
Speaker 3: remember that slow is fast if you work through induction,
14:13
Speaker 3: whether it's teaching the kids to fold towels or tie
14:15
Speaker 3: up shoelaces, or teaching them slowly how to drive a
14:19
Speaker 3: manual transmission and gently leading them to the next point.
14:23
Speaker 3: That's when you start to see really great results and
14:26
Speaker 3: you teach your children to be self sufficient.
14:28
Speaker 1: Well, I have had a really good experience with this recently.
14:31
Speaker 3: Goodness, because you were starting to sound a bit incompetent.
14:33
Speaker 3: I'm just not that you are, because you're incredible, but
14:35
Speaker 3: you were, just for a minute, I was.
14:36
Speaker 2: Thinking, oh, dear, So recently we kind of reshuffled the
14:41
Speaker 2: roster chart and we talked about some of the jobs
14:43
Speaker 2: that needed to be done around the house, and one
14:44
Speaker 2: of the girls decided that she wanted to do the laundry.
14:47
Speaker 1: She never touched the laundry before.
14:49
Speaker 3: And you've done laundry for a family of eight for
14:52
Speaker 3: you know, well, as our family's grown across the last
14:54
Speaker 3: twenty three years. I have a lot of it, a
14:58
Speaker 3: lot because nobody else can do it like you.
15:01
Speaker 2: So anyway, Miss thirteen decided she was going to give
15:03
Speaker 2: it a go, and so I went through the process
15:05
Speaker 2: with her, and I showed her how to fill the
15:07
Speaker 2: washing machine and make sure it wasn't.
15:09
Speaker 3: Too full on the podcast how.
15:12
Speaker 2: To sort the washing so that we didn't end up
15:14
Speaker 2: with colored whites and you know, darks with lint all
15:18
Speaker 2: over them and all of those kinds of things. And
15:20
Speaker 2: she just picked it up so well, and over a
15:23
Speaker 2: period of a week we kind of went through, you know,
15:25
Speaker 2: how to hang the clothes so she wasn't stretching, you know,
15:28
Speaker 2: my waistbands out, and that the ironing wasn't so crushed
15:33
Speaker 2: and all of those kinds of things. And we've just
15:35
Speaker 2: watched this kid who didn't know how to do a
15:37
Speaker 2: thing in the laundry now being completely capable of taking
15:41
Speaker 2: care of that job for me.
15:43
Speaker 1: We still haven't got to folding. That's a really tricky one.
15:46
Speaker 3: Folding is obviously going to take a long time. But
15:48
Speaker 3: again that illustrates the principle fast is slow. When you
15:51
Speaker 3: just say go and do it, or you force them through,
15:54
Speaker 3: you just get lousy results. Whereas you go slow, slow
15:57
Speaker 3: becomes fast because they become self sufficient they think out
16:00
Speaker 3: how to do it. We didn't talk about any of
16:03
Speaker 3: the stuff really that we're going to talk about, but
16:04
Speaker 3: I think we got there. I think the principle was
16:06
Speaker 3: taught is that Okay.
16:07
Speaker 1: Well, yes, you've completely bandied my name all over.
16:10
Speaker 3: That you did that. I didn't do that at all anyway. Look,
16:14
Speaker 3: thanks so much for listening to The Happy Family's podcast.
16:16
Speaker 3: If you do enjoy the podcast, all you have to
16:18
Speaker 3: do is let everyone know about it. Share this episode.
16:21
Speaker 3: Just click the three dots on your podcast and share
16:24
Speaker 3: it with people that you think might enjoy it. What
16:26
Speaker 3: we would really love, though, is if you could jump
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Speaker 3: onto Apple Podcasts and leave us a five star rating
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Speaker 3: and review. It's those ratings and reviews that help people
16:34
Speaker 3: find out about the Happy Families podcast and hopefully make
16:37
Speaker 3: their families happier. The Happy Families podcast is produced by
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Speaker 3: Justin Ruland from Bridge Media, and Craig Bruce is our
16:45
Speaker 3: executive producer. If you'd like more information about making your
16:48
Speaker 3: family happier, especially about getting hold of our Happy Families
16:51
Speaker 3: memberships so that you can have our ongoing support and
16:54
Speaker 3: more contact with us as we work with you to
16:57
Speaker 3: make your family happier, all you have to do is
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Speaker 3: visit Happy family dot com dot au