Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #615 You're the (Inner) Voice

Transcript

#615 You're the (Inner) Voice · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, when we empower our children, when we give them
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: that autonomy, when we give them that belief, when we
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: give them the sense of confidence and the sense that
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: they are enough, that we love them as they are.
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: The voice that they hear as they mature will not
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: be ours. It will be theirs because we've allowed them
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: to have a voice in the first place.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: and dad.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: So we've just had a revelation. We've just realized something
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: that we didn't realize before.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Well you have anyway, Well I changed my earrings today. Yeah,
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: and I've got ones with backings on them, and these
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: headphones are literally giving me accupunch.
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: Of points we get to the podcast. If you're wearing
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: your earrings, Oh my goodness. I hope we can get
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: through this. I believe in you. I believe in you.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: But it's Justin and Kylie. It's Mental Health Awareness Month
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: all October. We're not going to talk about mental illnesses
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: every single day, but we're going to talk about issues
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: related to mental health and how we can help our
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: kids to be strong, to be emotionally capable, resilient, have
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: high levels of well being. How we can help to
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: build their sense of self and Kylie today, what I
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: want to focus on are the words that we say
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: that become our children's inner voice, That the way that
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: we talked about children becomes what they actually hear on
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: the inside.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: Of all the conversations I had growing up, there are
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: two things that were repeatedly said to me, one by
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: my mum and one by my grandma when I was
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: younger that still to this day haunt me. Yeah, my mum,
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: whenever I would be eating a chocolate and just enjoying
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: it with absolute.
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: Delight, let me guess, don't slush your food.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: No, she didn't. She would say, if I kept eating
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: food like that, one day I would have thighs like hers.
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: Oh wow. Yeah. And when you reflect on or when
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: you're eating chocolate, now, does that come back to you, like,
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: how does that influence and affect you?
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Now? It actually is not so much about when I'm eating,
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: It's about what I see in the mirror. Because I
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: do have thighs like her now, and clearly that's a
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: bad thing.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: Because Mother, I would disagree. I would disagree. You definitely
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: don't have thighs like your mom. I'm just saying that
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: I feel like I have to say that, but no, no,
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: I'm truly saying what was your grandma's comment?
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: My nan was not a religious woman at all. She
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: actually really struggled with the fact that my family chose
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: to be religious, and we lived with them for a
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: period of time when we moved over from New Zealand
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: to Australia, and often she would catch me and my
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: sister fighting, and because I was the oldest, she would
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: always say, you should be ashamed of yourself. Christian girls
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: don't act like that. And so whenever I do anything
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: wrong or I say the wrong thing, there's just that
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: sense of shame. Instead of having the acknowledgment that I'm
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: a learning, growing, evolving person, there's this sense of I'm
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: a bad person.
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: So I had a question written down here that I
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: haven't shown you, but I wanted to ask you, what
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: does your critical inner voice sound like? Because you know
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: how we've always got a voice going in our head
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: and sometimes it's really critical. Sometimes it really castigates us
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: and gives us a hard time. It can be so
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: capricious when you hear that critical inner voice. What does
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: it sound like or who does it sound like? My nan?
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: Actually, yeah right, it sounds.
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: Like a sort of a bitter old woman. Yeah yeah.
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: When I think of the times where I'm critical of myself,
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: it sounds like one of three people. I've got to say,
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: my parents are just wonderful people. If they heard if
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: they heard me saying this, they'd be crushed. And yet
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: it's probably true for almost all of us. It's not
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: unique just to my folks or your folks or whatever.
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: But so often I hear my mum's voice, especially when
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: I'm not doing things well enough. There's that expectation that
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: I've got to be perfect, I need to do it better,
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: and I just keep on hearing my mum's critical, high
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: expectation voice, pushing and pushing and pushing for more and
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: more and more. But every now and again, I also
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: hear my dad's voice. That's the cranky voice, and because
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: my dad gets a bit grumpy every now and again,
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: and the third voice is just me. Sometimes it's almost
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: like I've internalized their voices and it's become a hybrid
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: voice that's mine, and regardless of what it is, it's
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: those same messages that I was getting when I was
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: a kid. And I want to really emphasize in this
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: podcast what we can do to reduce the likelihood that
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: our children when they're hearing those voices as they get older,
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: we're just likelihood that it's our voice. Help them to
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: develop their own in a voice and hopefully have a
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: much healthier in a voice than the one that we
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: could so easily give them if we if we're not careful.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: There's a quote by Peggy O'Mara and she actually said,
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: the way we talk to our children becomes their in
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: a voice. And there was another thing that was said
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: to me. It was literally only said to me once,
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: but my mum looked at my handwriting one day and
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: compared to my best friend who had the most magnificent,
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: glorious writing, and she said, why can't you write like her? Oh?
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: And just again that comparison. And so as I do
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: things creatively, I'm constantly looking around me to go, how
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: come I can't do it like that?
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, there's that whole thing of I could just never
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: do enough, I could never be enough. I was never
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: good enough. But then there's also that sense of frustration
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: for me.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: When I think about the things that we're sharing. There's
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: this acknowledgment that the things that they said to us
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: was actually more a reflection of who they were and
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: how they felt about them.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: Oh that's so, that's so good. Just last week I
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: was getting cranky at you because you're on your screen.
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: You've been saying to me that you want to go
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: to the gym and you want to improve it your eating,
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: and I've been following you up on that, like, so
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: what are you going to do? When are you going
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: to go to the gym? When are you going to
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: improve your eating? But it occurred to me that the
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: two things that I seem to talk to you about
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: the most are the two things that I'm struggling with
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: the most myself. That is, I've let myself go physically
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: and I'm on my screen too much. So it's so
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: fascinating that you say that that we're reflecting those things.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: Regardless though that becomes the invoice of other people. I mean,
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: how old were you before you finally stopped worrying about
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: what your parents thought?
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: For me?
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: I reckon I was forty, maybe a little bit younger,
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: maybe a little bit old, but somewhere around there. So
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: let's talk about how we can have empowering conversations with
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: our children that help them believe in themselves and that
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: give them the confidence in their own inner voice that
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: they don't hear us or a nagging version of us
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: throughout the rest of their lives.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: I'm wondering if it would be helpful to actually go
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: to the other end of the spectrum to actually look
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: at what is the voice we actually want our kids
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: to hear, and then work our way backwards. How do
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: we achieve that?
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah. So I've got three ideas that will help us
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: to do that. And that's why I use that word empowerment,
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: because I don't want to hear a critical inner voice.
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: I want to hear an empowering, strengthening voice.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I want to know that my children, when they're
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: faced with a challenge, aren't going to see themselves or
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: hear that voice that says you've got no hope, there's
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: no chance you're going to get through this, and actually
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: have a voice that says you've got.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: This, Yeah, a resilience building, hope building voice. So I've
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: got three ideas that I think are going to help,
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: and they tie in with what we call our basic
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: psychological needs or almost all the time in the podcast,
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: I'm talking about these needs, and the new book that
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: I'm writing is about them as well. So I reckon
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: we should explore three different conversation principles that can help
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: to build a strong, hopeful, resilient in a voice in
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: our kids and hopefully reduce the likelihood that they're going
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: to need something like Mental Health Awareness Month to get through.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: What's number one?
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: So the first one relates to what we would call
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: the relatedness need, the need to belong They need to
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: feel connected and close to someone. When we're talking about this,
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: we're talking about the voice that promotes belonging and understanding
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: and empathy. So when our children are having a hard time,
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: or they're being challenged, or they're being challenging, that is
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: when I kids are driving us up the wall. The
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: kind of language that we often use distances them from us.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: So we say stop it, calm down, be quiet, go
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: to your room. I've had enough, I can't stand at
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: it anymore. You're driving me crazy. We say all those
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: kinds of things, and obviously the voice that they're hearing
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: is one that's deeply critical and absolutely awful. When you
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: think about when our children are struggling and we actually
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: get it right and we give them that belonging, empathic,
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: understanding voice, what kind of things would our kids be
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: hearing instead.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: Well, first of all, it's not actually heard, it's felt.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: It's that hard, it's that pulling them close into us physically,
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: and then just in acknowledgment that they're having a hard
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: time right now.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: That's exactly the line I was going to use. This
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: was not pre planned, but I was literally going to say,
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: there's something about when somebody says to you, you are
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: having such a hard time right now? This is so tough,
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: isn't it. And it's an inclusive voice. I see you,
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: I value you, I get what your experience. And what
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: it does is it builds closeness, it builds comfort, and
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: lets our kids know that the experience is, the emotions
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: they're having are a normal and healthy part of the
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: human experience, and that there's somebody beside them to guide
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: them through it.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: So that's the.
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: First part of getting this voice right. It's a voice
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: that encourages closeness, belonging, empathy, and understanding.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: What's number two?
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: This is where we actually tap into the second basic
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: psychological need that our kids have, and that is a
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: sense of competence. So normally, when our children are losing it,
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: when they're behaving in unhappy, unhealthy, drive you up the
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: wall kind of ways, they're doing it because they are
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: experiencing stress. They don't have the skills and the capacity
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: to meet the moment. That's when they show a lack
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: of resilience. That's when they fall apart. They don't have
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: the skills and the capacity to deal with what is
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: landing on them. Whether it's a big brother or sister
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: who's giving them a hard time, or overwhelming homework and
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: schoolwork stress, or not getting picked for the team, or
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: the veteran being such a mess. They can't deal with
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: it on their own. Whatever it is, it's too big
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: for them. They end up in this big emotional meltdown.
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: And our job there is not just to connect with
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: them and help them to feel safe emotionally, but it's
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: also to let them know that we believe in their capacity.
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: And so as we say this is really hard, or
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: you're really worried, or I get what's going on for you,
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: I can see it. Come here and be close to
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: me and let me give you a hug. We promote
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: competence and capability beliefs. You think about it that in
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: a voice. Imagine if you've got an inner voice that
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: believes in you by saying things like you've got this,
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: or I believe in you, or there is a way
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: forward and you know how to get there. It's about
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: having that conversation with them where you're expressing a belief
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: in their ability to get things right. With an older teenager,
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: you might say, you're in a really tough spot here,
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: but I know that you've been taught well and that
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: you know the way forward from here. Now, we'll still
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: support them, We'll still say what do you need? How
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: can I help one? That kind of thing which brings
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: us close, But we're we're expressing our confidence in their capacity.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: That's really what we're looking at here.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: I was reflecting the other morning as I was writing
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: in my journal about this exact thing, and having watched
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: a few of our children really have to wrestle with
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: some of the decisions that they've been making in their lives,
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: and how excruciatingly painful it is as a parent watching
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: them go through that wrestle and wanting to fix it
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: for them, and yet there is just something so exquisite
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: about coming through the other end and seeing them come
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: to their own understanding or their own you know, kind
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: of success as they move.
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: Through it when I say I've done it.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: But as a parent, you just you want to fix it.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: You don't want them to have to wrestle, and yet
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: the wrestle is where the learning and the growth is.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: I was talking about eldest storter just the other day, Chanelle.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: She's in her early twenty married for a couple of years,
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: and she was grappling with something and try to figure
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: things out. And I just said to her, don't you
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: just wish that you knew the end from the beginning.
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: It wouldn't be amazing if we knew how this was
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: going to play out. And she said, oh so badly.
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: And that was that whole belonging and understanding and empathy.
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: And I just said to her, I know that you'll
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: figure this out. I know that you'll figure this out.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: You've got this, and I didn't have to fix it.
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: And there was something in our conversation where she sensed
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: the belief that I have in her, and there was
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: a resilience response. She was like, yeah, I know, I
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: know we'll get there. It'll take some time, but we'll
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: get there.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: But do I have to be an adult? Yeah?
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: No, do I have to be an adult? What's number three?
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: So the third part of this is related to the
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: third basic psychological need that our kids have, and that
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: is a need for autonomy. We need to encourage your autonomy.
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: And this is why it makes such a difference, because
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: when I say to you, I know it's hard, give
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: us a hug. I'm right here for you. You know what,
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: I believe in you. I know you've got this. What
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: do you think? Where do you reckon? We should go
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: from here? How can I help? What will be the
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: best thing for us to do next? That conversation essentially
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: says you can be the master of your destiny. The
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: answer is inside you. You've got my full support. I'm
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: standing here and I won't let you go astray. Like
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: if you're going to say something really, really dumb, I'll
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: just sort of wind you back in and say, well,
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: I wonder what would happen if you did that? Can
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: you think of any other ideas that might be a
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: little safe or a little less risky. So as parents,
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: we get to say I believe in you. I'm going
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: to give you. I'm going to give you the wheel
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: and let you steer the car. But as a parent,
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: based on your age, or your experience or your maturity,
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: I am still going to stay close just so that
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: I can guide the process. In CAGs, you kind of
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: go way off off track. But those three things building
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: the relationship, the sense of belonging, saying I believe in you,
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: supporting that sense of competence, and really encouraging autonomy. Those
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: three elements are the kinds of conversations that build a
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: strong and positive inner voice for our kids. And if
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: our voice becomes their inner voice, that's the kind of
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: voice we want them to hear. Right, that's what we're after.
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: I love it, thanks, Han, I love that you're looking
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: at me like I said something that was really good.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: I have a little bit of an off track question
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: to ask. We started the conversation about our own invoice,
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: and for many of us it's quite negative. How do
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: we change that? Well, because the reality is it's not
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: our voice, So how do we find our own voice?
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, quite often it's not our voice at someone else's.
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: We find our own voice by doing a couple of things,
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: and they tie in with the principles that I've just shared.
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: So when it comes to that idea of belonging and empathy,
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: having a good relationship with your child, so that the
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: invoice is kind and warm. For us, we have compassion
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: for ourselves. That's called self compassion. So we recognize that
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: when we're having a hard time, we're human like everyone else,
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: and everyone has hard times, even if their Instagram feeds
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: don't show it. So that's what we do there. In
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: terms of the a competence need, that sense that we
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: say to our kids, you've got this, we can actually
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: say that to ourselves. We can reflect and say, Okay,
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: I've reached this stage in life, and i haven't done
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: it by accident, like I've actually had successes to get here.
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: You don't stumble from one failure to another. Well, I
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: guess in some ways we kind of do. But our
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: failure we keep on failing forward, failing up right, which
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: means that we're learning, progressing and developing. We're getting better
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: as we go. So we're self compassionate. We acknowledge that
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: we've actually figured some things out. Therefore we have the
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: level of competence, a degree of competence to be at
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: this point, and then we recognize that nobody's forcing us
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: to do anything. Here, we actually have all the choice
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: in the world. Even when we feel completely stuck. It
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: might be I can't leave my job, or I can't
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: leave my town, or I can't do this, you actually can.
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: It's not always wise to throw caution to the wind.
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: I'm not suggesting we do that, but when we recognize
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: that we are choosing every single day, every single hour,
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: every single minute, the life that will be in gives
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: a sense that, Okay, so I've chosen this. The decisions
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: that I've made at this point have led me to
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: be who I am. Therefore, I have chosen this. Even
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: if not all of the choices were mine. I didn't
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: necessarily choose to have a child with additional needs, or
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: I didn't necessarily choose to have a partner who left me. However,
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: the choices up to this point ultimately have brought me
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: to where I am, and I can choose at this
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: point to move forward. I know that's a little bit provocative.
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: It's also a little bit controversial for some, but the
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: intent behind this is if we're kind to ourselves, if
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: we believe in ourselves, and if we start making choices today.
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: We can't change the past, but we can certainly change
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: the future by the choices we make. I guess that's
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: where I'm kind of going with this. We shouldn't be
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: constrained by what's happened, and I think that as we
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: do that and start to have those success experiences and
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: be kind to ourselves, we actually discovered that we're not
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: so bad and life is worth living. So that's how
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: I would respond in brief. There's other things like going
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: and getting help, having psychological assistance, getting some cognitive behavior
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: or therapy from a counselor or a therapist. Those kinds
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: of things will also help.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: As I've done my own in a work, I've really
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: found that kind of working through that process and striving
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: to actually find my own voice has been so powerful
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: as I've moved forward in my own life and as
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: a mother trying to help navigate help my children navigate
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: the challenges that they're experiencing. So today we talked about
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: three things relatedness, competence, and autonomy, and as we can
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: build those in our children, they're in a voice will
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: be one of support, love, and compassion.
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: Well, and let me emphasize one more thing there in
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: a voice will be theirs. When we come from an
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: environment that is controlling and restrictive, that's always putting us
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: down and pointing the direction for what you need to do,
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: and you should have done this, and you shouldn't have
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: done that, and you must and you mustn't. And when
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: we have that, that's somebody else's voice intruding into ours.
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: But when we empower our children, when we give them
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: that autonomy, when we give them that belief, when we
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: give them the sense of confidence and the sense that
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: they are enough, that we love them as they are,
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: the voice that they hear amateure will not be ours.
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: It will be theirs because we've allowed them to have
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: a voice in the first place.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: I think that's every parent's hope.
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: Damn, I feel like that was just an awesome podcast.
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer and if
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: you want more info about making your family happier, please
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: please join us on our Facebook page Dr Justin Colson's
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: Happy Families, or you can visit us at Happy Families
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: dot com dot au.