Latest / The Habit Lab / Episode 44: The Power of your RSVP: Why how you respond matters

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Episode 44: The Power of your RSVP: Why how you respond matters · The Habit Lab

• 1:08
  Jenna Zint: We all have areas in our life we might feel stuck or overwhelmed.
• 1:12
  Jenna Zint: So join me, jenna Zint, habit coach, teacher and follower of Jesus, as we go after little bits of better by building offensively small habits that create big impact.
• 1:23
  Jenna Zint: This is the Habit Lab Podcast.
• 1:25
  Jenna Zint: Hello, welcome to the Habit Lab.
• 1:33
  Jenna Zint: I'm Jenna Marizint and guess what?
• 1:36
  Jenna Zint: My podcast, this one you are listening to, is one.
• 1:41
  Jenna Zint: Actually, technically, my first episode came out next week, so to celebrate, I'm actually gifting one person a free coaching session with me.
• 1:51
  Jenna Zint: It could be relationships.
• 1:52
  Jenna Zint: Sometimes I have coaching sessions just about how to build boundaries in a specific relationship.
• 1:57
  Jenna Zint: It can be emotional-based, it can be habit-based.
• 2:00
  Jenna Zint: It's usually a mixture, frankly, of all of those.
• 2:03
  Jenna Zint: But to enter so I'm doing a week-long giveaway you simply have to reshare one of my podcast episodes in your stories and just make sure you tag me.
• 2:13
  Jenna Zint: My Instagram handle is at Jenna Zint, or you could do it on Facebook Same, obviously, it's my name, so same, same, just so that I could see it and count your share as a registration, like an entry.
• 2:26
  Jenna Zint: I think that's the word, anyways, and you can share as many as you want.
• 2:29
  Jenna Zint: So if you want to do one a day, you could just do assorted episodes, no problem.
• 2:32
  Jenna Zint: That would be seven entries and right now only one person has entered.
• 2:36
  Jenna Zint: So your odds are high that you could do this and it would be, you know, you might be the winner.
• 2:41
  Jenna Zint: Chicken dinner, yeah, but I love, I love doing coaching, so it felt like a fun win to be like oh my gosh, I can't believe it's been a year.
• 2:47
  Jenna Zint: And how could I celebrate with the people who have been with me along the way.
• 2:52
  Jenna Zint: So just share one of my episodes on your stories and tag me.
• 2:56
  Jenna Zint: You're entered.
• 2:58
  Jenna Zint: Okay, so this episode is a sequel to the previous one.
• 3:02
  Jenna Zint: If you haven't listened to that one, that one was like how to tweak your invites to get more yeses.
• 3:08
  Jenna Zint: This one is the power of your RSVP.
• 3:11
  Jenna Zint: Why?
• 3:12
  Jenna Zint: How you respond matters.
• 3:14
  Jenna Zint: And what was I going to say?
• 3:17
  Jenna Zint: Oh, the reason this came from is because I actually I've gotten to teach a lot this month.
• 3:22
  Jenna Zint: I've got to teach like four or five different places and I'm actually speaking at a women's group locally here, another church in our town, and they wanted to speak about like community building habits and friendship habits.
• 3:28
  Jenna Zint: And I got all jazzed about it and I was like group locally here, another church in our town, and they wanted to speak about like community building habits and friendship habits, and I got all jazzed about it and I was like man, I could go.
• 3:36
  Jenna Zint: I have 30 minutes, you guys, and I could do like seven hours.
• 3:40
  Jenna Zint: Honestly, at one point I think I'd like to do like a course or a book about it, because I just have like community building and like showing up in love and friendship and is one of the things I feel like mandate on my life and I have such a love and passion for learning and being better at it.
• 3:57
  Jenna Zint: So I feel really jazzed about this topic.
• 4:00
  Jenna Zint: So I was like, ooh, who can I?
• 4:01
  Jenna Zint: I have my own podcast.
• 4:03
  Jenna Zint: I can go as deep as I want, so we're just going.
• 4:06
  Jenna Zint: You know, last week was about how to get more yeses.
• 4:08
  Jenna Zint: This week's the power of your RSVP.
• 4:10
  Jenna Zint: Oh, fun fact, I feel like y'all are my friends because so many of you just message me on Instagram or we dialogue about different stuff.
• 4:19
  Jenna Zint: So I know you're going to hear this, but since my friends, you are my friends and you care, I got invited.
• 4:24
  Jenna Zint: I have a mutual friend who is a professor at Notre Dame and she asked me to come teach one of the classes that she's a professor at.
• 4:33
  Jenna Zint: So I'm like, oh, that feels so exciting, I felt so honored and it felt like I don't know just the sweetness of Jesus to be thought of, so that feels exciting.
• 4:41
  Jenna Zint: That's going to happen in November, but for now let's dive into this episode the power of your RSVP.
• 4:46
  Jenna Zint: So I was laughing at how, when I start to write my notes for my episode, it's just usually like an outline to keep me focused, but I could just get so nuanced and I have so many thoughts and I have tried so many things that I feel like nerdy.
• 5:01
  Jenna Zint: You know how maybe you talk to a six-year-old and they could like geek out on I don't know, their random facts about the solar system.
• 5:09
  Jenna Zint: You're like, wow, at first it's cute and you're like, wow, this is a lot.
• 5:12
  Jenna Zint: That's how I feel about friendship and community and showing up in relationships.
• 5:17
  Jenna Zint: So buckle up buttercups, this is a lot, okay.
• 5:22
  Jenna Zint: So first off, what I wanted to talk about the power of your RSVP is like I kind of think a lot of people in this day and age want relationship, but there is a resistance to like kind of saying yes and doing things.
• 5:38
  Jenna Zint: I think Instagram gives us, or social media gives us, kind of like an easier um connect feeling of connection.
• 5:45
  Jenna Zint: So then we, and then with COVID, I think there's just a lot of factors we uh have stopped being willing to pay the prices readily to be in person with people as we would, you know, because we get some of those social needs met, or it feels just too much because we kind of got out of our rhythms.
• 6:00
  Jenna Zint: You know, a new rhythm kind of emerged.
• 6:02
  Jenna Zint: So I think there's usually there's a need, in my opinion, for us to go to things and be with people, not just virtually or long distance.
• 6:13
  Jenna Zint: And it's harder because sometimes the virtual things we see are more niched to who we are or what our interests are and what is actually available.
• 6:21
  Jenna Zint: Local is maybe I don't know, like disappointing, like maybe the people don't have the same tools or they're not interested or they're not at your growth level.
• 6:30
  Jenna Zint: And I just feel like I just have felt the Lord challenged me so much in that mindset of it not being humility.
• 6:39
  Jenna Zint: And the reality is that every, truly everybody has something I can learn if I'm actually tuned into the Holy Spirit and learning and like listening to what I see in them.
• 6:47
  Jenna Zint: That's valuable.
• 6:48
  Jenna Zint: So I just push back like don't let social media make you idealistic and not count what is available in your town as worth your effort?
• 6:57
  Jenna Zint: Cause I totally think it is so.
• 6:59
  Jenna Zint: When I think of RSVPs, I think there's usually like a spectrum where there are some people who are on the end of the spectrum, who are too quick to say yes, and then there's other people on the end of the spectrum who are too quick to say no.
• 7:10
  Jenna Zint: And if you had to guess, I bet all of you would guess that I ended up more on the spectrum of too quick to say yes.
• 7:17
  Jenna Zint: And I think sometimes, maybe initially, you could think there's not like a cost to that, like oh, that's a great thing.
• 7:24
  Jenna Zint: Like no, the cost was I would get enthusiastic and say yes but then have to flake a lot.
• 7:31
  Jenna Zint: Or like my yeses weren't true yeses because I didn't count the cost or I wouldn't protect my white space or the commitments I already made, and when the time came for that party, that walk, whatever, that coffee date, because I hadn't planned better and realizing I should have the time to get to the next thing that I'm actually speaking at if I do that.
• 7:53
  Jenna Zint: So I ended up having to my initial.
• 7:56
  Jenna Zint: I said it was like an initial enthusiastic yes, but I'd have to edit and say no or like recount my initial yeses and that caused so much pain.
• 8:03
  Jenna Zint: So I actually was like I need to go on a journey of getting better, like I still am more extroverted than most people.
• 8:08
  Jenna Zint: So even when I'm, when I want you to listen, I want to say something like a caveat.
• 8:13
  Jenna Zint: This episode is not designed to make everybody an extrovert.
• 8:16
  Jenna Zint: I do not actually think extroverts are the ideal path, nor do I think I'm not making this episode because I think you should show up like me in relationship or do life with me.
• 8:28
  Jenna Zint: That's actually true of all my podcasts.
• 8:30
  Jenna Zint: Please, even though I'm talking about what I've thought through or I've seen as a coach or noticed in habits with working with hundreds of people, my perception in my life is not actually the standard.
• 8:40
  Jenna Zint: Your life, the factors in your life, are the standard.
• 8:44
  Jenna Zint: What I hope is that you hear something that maybe like if the Holy Spirit breathes on something that's conviction, and decide what adjustments you want to make in your own life.
• 8:53
  Jenna Zint: But my life is not the standard and I you there for sure.
• 8:57
  Jenna Zint: I don't even know who you are, but when you're, I can guarantee there are parts of your life that are way more dialed in than other parts of my life.
• 9:03
  Jenna Zint: So please do not think that I have it all together, because I do not.
• 9:06
  Jenna Zint: So, that being yes, I'm not looking for everyone to become, you know, say yes to all their invites, but I do want to recognize the cost.
• 9:13
  Jenna Zint: And, like, when you think of something like, if too quick to say no is, like, you know, zero and too quick to say yes, or how about, is negative 10.
• 9:20
  Jenna Zint: And then too quick to say yes is positive 10.
• 9:25
  Jenna Zint: The goal would be kind of finding the neutral ground of like, what does it look like for you to take one more step towards health?
• 9:28
  Jenna Zint: That would be a helpful position versus whatever side you're leaning towards.
• 9:34
  Jenna Zint: And then the other thing with the too quick to say yes is that a lot of times the people that were already in my life or my family, frankly, my priorities, things that were my priorities would suffer because I was a yes to everything.
• 9:46
  Jenna Zint: So then realizing like, oh, this is I think I'm being good and I don't know noble by being quick to say yes to that person's party Cause I know that they don't have, they haven't lived here that long and they probably aren't going to have that many people attend their birthday party.
• 9:59
  Jenna Zint: So, yes, I want to be able to be there for them because that feels like such a small price to pay for someone to feel known and seen in a time of transition.
• 10:06
  Jenna Zint: But then the flip side is that if it's my third thing in a row, my family is going to suffer in a way that I actually need to take a beat to look and reflect what the cost is, what my availability is.
• 10:17
  Jenna Zint: Am I meant to say yes?
• 10:19
  Jenna Zint: That was one thing a mentor once convicted me.
• 10:22
  Jenna Zint: They're like, if you're so quick to say yes because you think you have it to give and why not be generous with how you live, but you might be actually stealing that yes that someone else.
• 10:31
  Jenna Zint: It would be a growth path for them to say yes, because yes is easy for you.
• 10:36
  Jenna Zint: Your growth path is actually learning to say no more so that your yeses come at a more intentional, thoughtful value.
• 10:43
  Jenna Zint: And I was like, oh okay.
• 10:44
  Jenna Zint: So then, speaking to the no's too quickly, you probably have a lot of good reasons.
• 10:50
  Jenna Zint: You're probably dialed in with.
• 10:51
  Jenna Zint: Some of your no's come from protecting your core value and your peace and your rest time and your family time and such.
• 10:56
  Jenna Zint: But the reality is some of my friends who are on the no, leaning too quick to say no, they actually are kind of stuck in mindsets of survival or energy conservation, that if they do that thing it will tank them.
• 12:58
  Jenna Zint: They don't have it to give, so their default is like self-protection and that's never where intimacy and community and connection thrive.
• 13:06
  Jenna Zint: So again, the goal is not to be like Jenna or someone who's extroverted.
• 13:09
  Jenna Zint: The goal is just recognizing like oh how, wherever you land on the spectrum, how is it not serving you, what is it costing you and what would like a little bit better, a little bit of a growth out of what your default is towards more middle ground and health.
• 13:22
  Jenna Zint: Be for you.
• 13:24
  Jenna Zint: So my rule is, in the spectrum of being yes too quick or no too quick, reminding yourself that you're not simply fun led that would be me the two yes.
• 13:33
  Jenna Zint: Or if you're on the no too quick, you're not convenience led with your RSVPs and you're not also for the no spectrum, you're not just simply energy conservation led.
• 13:43
  Jenna Zint: So then the two yes is too quick to say yes, and then you're not also too quick to betray your own capacity.
• 13:50
  Jenna Zint: So if that's like where we're going from like those aren't the simple.
• 13:54
  Jenna Zint: I think sometimes we can just go into those defaults of that's.
• 13:58
  Jenna Zint: Where we show up and where we decide if we're going to RSVP or not is being, oh, that sounds fun, I should do it, versus actually, yes, that sounds fun, but I also have core values that that would be taking time from.
• 14:10
  Jenna Zint: And actually, though it's fun and that's less fun, I'm going to stick to my original priority and protect it by this by giving this a no, even though it's fun.
• 14:18
  Jenna Zint: And then, oh yeah.
• 14:26
  Jenna Zint: So the tension of so then, when I'm actually not just doing my default knee jerk reaction wherever you're at, what I do take into account is notice what's happening inside of me.
• 14:33
  Jenna Zint: So notice, am I thinking thoughts like someone maybe who's more no-leaning would be like I don't have it to give, I'm too tired, it would cost too much, it's not going to be that much fun, it's exhausting, it's going to be awkward, like all those things.
• 14:48
  Jenna Zint: Like if you're just going to counting the cost, then I would be like, oh, this is actually my default.
• 14:53
  Jenna Zint: This is not necessarily wisdom.
• 14:55
  Jenna Zint: This is more of my MO, or, for me, sometimes my yeses are because I'm being a little codependent where I think I have to remind myself.
• 15:05
  Jenna Zint: I'm going to use a birthday example.
• 15:07
  Jenna Zint: Oh, actually, I'm afraid if I don't say yes, no one's going to show up for their birthday and then they're going to be so sad and feel like this is going to be a pretty major pain point in their year if this happens.
• 15:18
  Jenna Zint: So then I'm like, oh actually, you are only considering that it is your job to, it is my responsibility to save their birthday, which is actually not Jenna's role.
• 15:27
  Jenna Zint: Okay, so like the idea is like just remembering that those are our default lenses and taking them off.
• 15:33
  Jenna Zint: So that's when you go internal, like notice what's happening inside of you, noticing what's your default is that your role to play?
• 15:39
  Jenna Zint: Maybe it's true that it will cost you, but maybe it's not the absolute truth that it would tank you if you did go, like yes, it's true, there is a cost, but also, what if you could be okay, because you don't have anything after that and you could still go to bed by nine and be okay?
• 15:53
  Jenna Zint: And then the next thing is so notice what's happening inside of me and kind of calming the parts of me that aren't true or might be self-protection or identities or roles or responsibilities that are not just mine, like mine to hold I'm not anyone's savior and then even thinking like, oh, they'll be so mad or so sad if I say no, and we have that little line in our family that they can be sad and it doesn't mean I'm bad.
• 16:15
  Jenna Zint: So I remember, like it doesn't mean I'm going to say no instantly, but not letting that be one of the profound ruling motivations.
• 16:24
  Jenna Zint: That is my like metric for why, whether I say yes or not, I'm like okay, that actually that's off the table too.
• 16:31
  Jenna Zint: So then I just then that's when I like ask the Holy Spirit, usually Once I like first take account of what's my natural reaction happening inside of me.
• 16:38
  Jenna Zint: Then I'm like okay, holy Spirit, like what am I like notice if there's a nudging Cause?
• 16:42
  Jenna Zint: There's sometimes that I've gotten a lot better at not saying yes.
• 16:45
  Jenna Zint: So I have a way my yeses mean more now because I give them out more sparingly or thoughtfully.
• 16:53
  Jenna Zint: But there are times, so there are times that I would say no because I'm like oh, I know it's a busy week and we're not that close, or I'm not involved in that team or whatever.
• 17:03
  Jenna Zint: And then they're like, as I go inward and just notice, those are my natural like what's happening inside of me.
• 17:07
  Jenna Zint: Those are my natural things, anything I need to set aside what's true, what's emotion, you know.
• 17:12
  Jenna Zint: Just kind of take an account of that.
• 17:14
  Jenna Zint: But then I asked like, oh, do I have any Holy Spirit nudges in that moment?
• 17:18
  Jenna Zint: And there's sometimes that I go to things that I'm like, oh, I think I'm supposed to be there.
• 17:22
  Jenna Zint: It doesn't actually make sense when I just look at the logic of it.
• 17:24
  Jenna Zint: But I'm not, I don't think I'm quote unquote supposed to be there because I think it's my role to save their birthday, which maybe would be past.
• 17:31
  Jenna Zint: You know, codependent Jenna thinking.
• 17:33
  Jenna Zint: But I'm like, I actually feel like I don't know what's there for me, but I think I'm supposed to say yes, yes.
• 17:42
  Jenna Zint: So in doing that like, just notice what's happening inside of you and notice if there's any Holy Spirit nudges, and then reminding yourself, I just remind myself to stay soft while I'm in that decision making process, that self, the self-protection patterns that normally arise for whichever yours are based on, some that I've described like having them, like like tone down a little bit, like, hey, I actually want to make a good decision.
• 18:09
  Jenna Zint: I know what your answer is.
• 18:10
  Jenna Zint: Very familiar with your answer Self-protection.
• 18:12
  Jenna Zint: Thank you for that, but let me see what else is true.
• 18:15
  Jenna Zint: And then I asked like, okay, what do I have to give?
• 18:18
  Jenna Zint: Because that's the second half of this little episode is options for your answers, for invites I think a lot of times you hear me talk about as a habit coach.
• 18:28
  Jenna Zint: One of my biggest things is it's not all or nothing, and I would say that that would probably be true for here.
• 18:35
  Jenna Zint: Like it actually feels like your RCP is going to be yes or no, like does it not get much more black or white than that, jenna?
• 18:41
  Jenna Zint: But the reality is there's actually like, very, like so many options between yes or no.
• 18:47
  Jenna Zint: So actually reminding yourself, like when I ask, like what do I have to give?
• 18:51
  Jenna Zint: It's an honest like what variation, edit, pivot?
• 18:54
  Jenna Zint: What is my capacity in the season, what is my emotional capacity, what is my time capacity, what's my budget capacity, what are the nudgings of the Holy Spirit?
• 19:02
  Jenna Zint: And then I just give myself grace to kind of think of it, think it over, and most of the time, as you can tell, if I'm thinking through all these things, I don't give answers off the bat.
• 19:10
  Jenna Zint: I do, though I used to when I was trying to get better at not just saying yes, automatically, I would like freeze.
• 19:17
  Jenna Zint: And then I'd have this weird face that probably it must have looked concerned or off-putting because people would be like, nevermind, you don't have to come.
• 19:25
  Jenna Zint: And then I was super confused and then I realized, oh, I think my thinking face looks like a no and it's feeling like rejection.
• 19:32
  Jenna Zint: So instead, what I do is I just you know most, this is not revolutionary, most of you know this but I'll just not respond on the spot, so I have more thought time to be thoughtful like this.
• 19:42
  Jenna Zint: And then I'll be like, oh my gosh, thank you so much for wanting me to come to your birthday.
• 19:46
  Jenna Zint: Like I feel honored that you would want me there.
• 19:48
  Jenna Zint: Like, uh, yeah, something along those lines.
• 19:51
  Jenna Zint: And then I say I'm going to talk to my husband and look to see what we have going on that week.
• 19:55
  Jenna Zint: I'll let you know so that I'm buying back time of like it gives them a response, doesn't feel rejection, but then also doesn't commit on the spot so you can have time to be a little more intentional.
• 20:05
  Jenna Zint: So then after that, when I'm in the middle, these are your options for answers, for invitations.
• 20:10
  Jenna Zint: It is not all or nothing, it's not just yes, it's just no, I actually have one, two, three, four, five options for your answers.
• 20:19
  Jenna Zint: When you're RSVPing yes, go figure right.
• 20:24
  Jenna Zint: Yes, go figure right.
• 20:29
  Jenna Zint: After you assess the cost and all the things, I would say like, getting back to like, and I would say yes.
• 20:32
  Jenna Zint: And usually when I say yes, I do try to like.
• 20:33
  Jenna Zint: I think sometimes people get in which I used to do more, so I would just give people the data they needed and sometimes, yes, would feel dry or almost like robotic and I was like so now I always I know this sounds so silly, you don't have to do this, but it's just something I've noticed.
• 20:49
  Jenna Zint: A lot of these that I've like come up with is in noticing how it feels for me.
• 20:54
  Jenna Zint: I've told you guys that I do lots of inviting how it feels getting these responses, and then I'm like oh, that's interesting that even a yes, like coming to think you know like you're invited to.
• 21:04
  Jenna Zint: For instance, I just sent out invites yesterday to we do a soup potluck every fall and if someone just and I was like, let me know if you guys could come, and if someone just responded yes, to be honest, I'd be like okay, do they not want to come?
• 21:21
  Jenna Zint: Do they think they're doing me a favor by coming.
• 21:24
  Jenna Zint: I would get a little anxious.
• 21:26
  Jenna Zint: Now my growth has been like to calm and I would just be curious and be like ask maybe a little bit more.
• 21:31
  Jenna Zint: I wouldn't accuse them of anything, but it'd be easy to subtly do some like frankly, if they just said yes, I probably could be like our kids love having you, or it's so fun, like I'm so grateful that you've come.
• 21:43
  Jenna Zint: It it's so fun, like I'm so grateful that you've come.
• 21:50
  Jenna Zint: It's one of our favorite traditions.
• 21:50
  Jenna Zint: I would just do one more thing to then see what they give me back.
• 21:52
  Jenna Zint: And then they probably give me more and then realize like oh, their yes was probably just data, not reflecting or reflection of their interest in the event, you know.
• 21:56
  Jenna Zint: So that helps me.
• 21:57
  Jenna Zint: But, that being said, when I give a yes, I actually try to do like thank you so much for thinking of me, or excited to celebrate you, or four emoticons.
• 22:04
  Jenna Zint: When I'm on a rush and I'm just trying to get like through my to-do list and responding is one of them.
• 22:09
  Jenna Zint: When I've made my decision, I'll just send a bunch of emoticons so it feels warm, even if it's just kind of being task mode.
• 22:15
  Jenna Zint: You know, that's what I call it, I call it task mode.
• 22:17
  Jenna Zint: So then that's the first answer, just a yes.
• 22:20
  Jenna Zint: And then, actually, I would say, though that being said, like I said, I've gotten a lot better at making thoughtful decisions.
• 22:27
  Jenna Zint: Sometimes my yes is, though I have to be knows like something outside of my control comes up and it has to turn into a no, so, like something I said yes to, that I now have to like not going to make it.
• 22:38
  Jenna Zint: I used to.
• 22:41
  Jenna Zint: I think a lot of people can relate to this.
• 22:44
  Jenna Zint: I think there's oftentimes when you have to bail or flake.
• 22:46
  Jenna Zint: When it was a yes is it's either, and there's a legit reason, like this one time I had planned a phone catch up with a friend and then Wesley had gotten sick and I had to go pick him up in the middle of that, and that was the time I was going to talk to my friend and then wouldn't be able to reschedule because I had a coaching Anyways.
• 23:06
  Jenna Zint: So I wasn't gonna be able to reschedule, but this is two weeks ago.
• 23:10
  Jenna Zint: I had to move her for something else.
• 23:12
  Jenna Zint: So when I was, I initially like I was saying that I think some of us, when we have to move things, that was, you know, like our bail or make it a no at the last minute, we could get flooded with shame or guilt.
• 23:24
  Jenna Zint: And in doing so people have kind of fight, flight, fawn responses, when you feel like big emotion, even if you're aware or not aware.
• 23:32
  Jenna Zint: And mine was fawn and it'd be like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, I never meant to do this, because I would actually be flooded with shame and guilt.
• 23:42
  Jenna Zint: I'm so irresponsible.
• 23:43
  Jenna Zint: But then the other part of me would be like you wouldn't know your son was sick.
• 23:46
  Jenna Zint: You shouldn't feel this badly.
• 23:49
  Jenna Zint: And then I'd start making up a story.
• 23:49
  Jenna Zint: I feel this badly because I know she's going to be disappointed and doesn't she understand that my son's sick?
• 23:52
  Jenna Zint: How dare she be mad at me when it's something out of my control?
• 23:56
  Jenna Zint: And then it just escalated so big.
• 23:58
  Jenna Zint: So now I know that like, hey, I'm going to feel when I have to convert a last minute yes to a no, when I have to bail because something came up, I'm going to feel sadness and shame.
• 24:07
  Jenna Zint: But that's untrue.
• 24:09
  Jenna Zint: When I look at the factors and assess like I actually can plan different, that overwhelming sense of guilt and shame don't show up.
• 24:15
  Jenna Zint: Through it, jenna, you can recognize that it's happening or an option to show up that way, but being like, hey, you actually did fine planning this, it's out of your control.
• 24:22
  Jenna Zint: But what it doesn't mean is I don't express empathy for the change of plans to them.
• 24:33
  Jenna Zint: I don't fawn or do this like I'm terrible, I hate doing this to you, or whatever, like I'm the worst.
• 24:35
  Jenna Zint: I can't believe it.
• 24:35
  Jenna Zint: Or will you ever forgive me?
• 24:36
  Jenna Zint: Anything like that to me would be indicative of like, maybe like a more dramatic response than the situation calls for.
• 24:43
  Jenna Zint: So I don't show up like that.
• 24:44
  Jenna Zint: But then I used to overcompensate.
• 24:46
  Jenna Zint: So when I grew out of fawning with my responses, I would then go to the other extreme, where I would be like well, you know, I didn't do anything wrong, and it wasn't mismanaged time and it wasn't flakiness.
• 24:57
  Jenna Zint: I couldn't have planned for this.
• 24:58
  Jenna Zint: I'm being a good mom, therefore I don't have to feel bad about saying no.
• 25:01
  Jenna Zint: And then I'd be like I can't make it have to pick Wesley up from school.
• 25:04
  Jenna Zint: So then I'd be like see, look at that, that's growth.
• 25:07
  Jenna Zint: I'm not drowning in shame.
• 25:08
  Jenna Zint: Well, the reality is, though, my more recent growth path is that it can feel almost like what's the word?
• 25:16
  Jenna Zint: Not ambivalent when you're cold to how you're.
• 25:22
  Jenna Zint: Change of plans affected them and I realized that like, oh, it's not like bouncing from one extreme of I'm overwhelmed with how I affect you and I'm terrible and my character's on flaw and I'm groveling, like that's kind of a little more how I showed up and I realized probably not everyone's like that, but you probably can relate to which way you lean or I was like it's not my fault and that's growth for me to not blame and drown in shame.
• 25:45
  Jenna Zint: But then I would sound cavalier with my response when I know actually that's a big deal.
• 25:50
  Jenna Zint: She had to change at the last minute and this is the second time she had to change for me.
• 25:54
  Jenna Zint: So I actually my like alternative option in growing to be like oh, okay, it's true, I've silenced shame and I'm not drowning in shame.
• 26:01
  Jenna Zint: So I'm not groveling, nor am I going to be ambivalent, but I would say like oh, I think with that text I sent to, I'm so sorry I have to.
• 26:09
  Jenna Zint: I won't be able to be on her call.
• 26:11
  Jenna Zint: Wesley got sick and I need to pick him up.
• 26:13
  Jenna Zint: At the same time, really bummed to miss connecting with you.
• 26:15
  Jenna Zint: Was looking forward to hearing about your life.
• 26:18
  Jenna Zint: I'll need to schedule a what's it called Like I'll need, I definitely want to reschedule.
• 26:25
  Jenna Zint: So it's like there's no shame drowning, but also it's an awareness, Like she would hear, that it was important to me and it mattered that I rescheduled without blaming my character, you know.
• 26:35
  Jenna Zint: And then, frankly, actually this specific episode or this incident I'm thinking of shout out to Just Beard.
• 26:40
  Jenna Zint: Afterwards I remembered that I had had to cancel or move a couple things in like the not too recent or distant future.
• 26:49
  Jenna Zint: So I was like, oh, that actually escalates it to me to another level.
• 26:54
  Jenna Zint: It's like not a one-off yes, they weren't related and it's not, it's still.
• 26:58
  Jenna Zint: It was like random things that happened.
• 26:59
  Jenna Zint: They're not evidence of me being irresponsible, like maybe I was a few years ago, but that does hurt more, having someone move things a few times, and it's hard to not draw a message about what they value or that you're not as important.
• 27:12
  Jenna Zint: So what I did was I do this.
• 27:14
  Jenna Zint: If I have to do it more than once, like have a no, like a yes turn to a no, suddenly I'll send a voice memo, because it's so much easier for people to hear my inflection and warmth or true remorse in my voice than it is just a text.
• 27:29
  Jenna Zint: So there's nothing lost in the just black and white text.
• 27:33
  Jenna Zint: Does that make sense?
• 27:33
  Jenna Zint: So with that friend I remember sending the voice memo.
• 27:37
  Jenna Zint: I was like oh man, and I just realized that this is like the second thing I've had to move.
• 27:41
  Jenna Zint: And then I just plainly told her I was like I have some fear that you're going, that that you could take that as a message that I don't value um connecting with you or that you are something that I can move without.
• 27:56
  Jenna Zint: You know, like lower on my priority.
• 27:58
  Jenna Zint: It actually like I would never want to hurt your feelings, um with that, because this is not a message on me valuing your thing.
• 28:05
  Jenna Zint: I feel bummed.
• 28:06
  Jenna Zint: Two random things happen that could send that message, but I just want you to know it's not purpose on my end.
• 28:11
  Jenna Zint: I actually want to hear about your life and I enjoy.
• 28:13
  Jenna Zint: I always learn from our calls or enjoy our calls.
• 28:16
  Jenna Zint: Whatever I said, but it was, do you hear how I like acknowledged all the things that were happening without talking through them?
• 28:21
  Jenna Zint: Like that's happening to me, that's kind of happening to me and I just want you to know that like I could totally understand if it felt like I was sending you this message or if this was happening.
• 28:31
  Jenna Zint: I wasn't.
• 28:32
  Jenna Zint: I love you definitely matter to me, and the reality is she could have I could have done that well and it still offended her or she still took a message away.
• 28:41
  Jenna Zint: But at this point I'm not responsible beyond that, how she receives it I do care and I also.
• 28:48
  Jenna Zint: Did you notice how I upgraded it a few times, like oh, a no is one thing and this is what I'm gonna do about it.
• 28:52
  Jenna Zint: But sorry, bailing at the last minute is one thing, but bailing a couple times in the last minute, that's going to upgrade to me, caring enough to send a voice memo so that she hears me how much it matters to me, okay, so that was actually a really long one.
• 29:11
  Jenna Zint: I was like yeses are straightforward.
• 29:12
  Jenna Zint: Oops, I guess I weren't.
• 29:12
  Jenna Zint: So my next option for answering invites is a yes, but with an edit, and some examples of I'm just going to use a birthday party is like okay, for whatever reason.
• 29:17
  Jenna Zint: Maybe you have a busy week, maybe you're not that good of friends with those people, maybe your budget is low.
• 29:23
  Jenna Zint: I realized that I can actually edit things.
• 29:26
  Jenna Zint: So like they're, you know, going out to dinner.
• 29:29
  Jenna Zint: Maybe your edit is your budget's low and it would be awkward to sit there and not eat.
• 29:34
  Jenna Zint: So then I would decide, like what could you do?
• 29:36
  Jenna Zint: Oh, you can actually arrive maybe an hour after the fact and sit and enjoy everybody's company, but it wouldn't be as awkward because clearly you missed the mealtime.
• 29:45
  Jenna Zint: So it's not, as you know, when you have water and it's normal and everyone's just sitting around.
• 29:49
  Jenna Zint: Or if it's a two-part thing, an edit could be that you're not going to the second part, but you're going to go to the first part.
• 29:56
  Jenna Zint: Or you could arrive, you know, like hit the first half of it and then leave early because maybe you've been gone a few nights and you want to show your like it matters.
• 30:07
  Jenna Zint: You can show up, but you wouldn't be able to stay past six because you want to be home for dinner.
• 30:12
  Jenna Zint: And you don't have to tell.
• 30:13
  Jenna Zint: What I don't think you have to do is tell the person all the reasons for the edits you're making.
• 30:19
  Jenna Zint: But I actually think that we usually think come or don't come.
• 30:23
  Jenna Zint: There's not an in-between.
• 30:24
  Jenna Zint: I'm like, oh, what?
• 30:24
  Jenna Zint: Are there any?
• 30:25
  Jenna Zint: So when I get an invite, I'm like, okay, I can't do it in the fullness of what they laid out, but I'd rather it not be a no, and I think it doesn't have to be.
• 30:33
  Jenna Zint: What variation of this invite?
• 30:35
  Jenna Zint: What edits could I make?
• 30:35
  Jenna Zint: Arrive early, ride with someone, skip the expensive part, or you know that I can make.
• 30:41
  Jenna Zint: That would make it a yes, but with edits.
• 30:44
  Jenna Zint: Then the third option for RCPs is a maybe, and this is when I don't have an immediate answer, and I know I told you that I never really respond in the moment because I want to be thoughtful with my time management.
• 30:58
  Jenna Zint: Well, an example of this actually, I just came home from the Grand Canyon Last week.
• 31:05
  Jenna Zint: My mom flew me and the kids out and my brother was there and it was just a really special time.
• 31:09
  Jenna Zint: And then my aunt, my mom's sister I haven't seen in two decades, was there.
• 31:13
  Jenna Zint: My kids met her for the first time.
• 31:15
  Jenna Zint: But, that being said, the night we were coming home from that trip, a friend that I love was having her 40th birthday and she sent me an invite and I was like, oh, I don't know, and maybe someone else or less good of a friend I would have said no instantly, or maybe a really good friend I would have said yes instantly, but this was like in the middle.
• 31:36
  Jenna Zint: So when I don't have an immediate answer.
• 31:38
  Jenna Zint: What I've started doing and realizing that was this is different than just taking a pause to think about it.
• 31:43
  Jenna Zint: I realized, like I actually am not gonna know.
• 31:46
  Jenna Zint: There are times that I know my week is busy and I will not be able to tell whether that's gonna be a yes or a no until I'm in my week.
• 31:53
  Jenna Zint: So maybe that'll be the night before, maybe that'll be Tuesday, maybe that'll be day of, but I will actually voice memo.
• 32:00
  Jenna Zint: The people and this friend.
• 32:01
  Jenna Zint: I was like hey girl, oh my gosh, so excited for your 40th.
• 32:08
  Jenna Zint: I love that you invited me.
• 32:08
  Jenna Zint: It's going to be so fun, blah, blah, blah.
• 32:09
  Jenna Zint: Then I say I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to have to stay a maybe, because and then I explained to her what was happening that one felt a little easier and I was like I would love to go to your party, but if it has been a really hard week where I've been parenting solo and I don't have it in me, I wouldn't be able to come.
• 32:25
  Jenna Zint: So is it okay to stay as a maybe or is there something else that you need a definite invite and I could just bow out now?
• 32:32
  Jenna Zint: If that's the case, no problem.
• 32:34
  Jenna Zint: And she was so kind and responded back.
• 32:35
  Jenna Zint: But I think a lot of times we let these hang and don't give them an answer or let them know what the waiting's about or even tell when they could expect an answer from us, and that's more uncomfortable and awkward.
• 32:47
  Jenna Zint: So I actually think most people are really comfortable with the hey, I won't know, I have a value for this, but I'm going to have to give you an answer, like the night before or morning of, and I usually tell them when.
• 32:58
  Jenna Zint: So it's thoughtful, versus just whenever Jenna feels like it, she's going to get back to me.
• 33:02
  Jenna Zint: But then too, the flip side is.
• 33:04
  Jenna Zint: So my answer or my reason for why it was a maybe and going to have to stay maybe was a little more obvious.
• 33:10
  Jenna Zint: Like, of course that makes sense, but maybe yours is hey, I'm going to have a rough week and that group of people is really draining.
• 33:18
  Jenna Zint: So I don't know if going to the party would tank me, be beyond my capacity, or at the end of the week, maybe I won't be as tired as I thought and that I could have it in my tank to show up.
• 33:31
  Jenna Zint: So that answer would not be helpful, because that would be a little bit too potentially painful to hear and I know you might laugh, but I think that would be the case of like oh man, I have such a busy week, I would love to come celebrate you.
• 33:45
  Jenna Zint: Anything you could do, that would be honest and encouraging.
• 33:48
  Jenna Zint: I always add that wrap that in there so that they don't think like, hey, I'm weighing my options, I'm going to see if I have more fun or if it sounds terrible Like I don't want to communicate that at all.
• 33:58
  Jenna Zint: So I always like add some encouragement in there.
• 34:00
  Jenna Zint: But then I would say like, oh, I would you know, whatever hard week or busy week, I'll be able to tell you Thursday.
• 34:08
  Jenna Zint: If that doesn't work, let me know.
• 34:10
  Jenna Zint: Or people just love and feel thought of and the potential for offense or hurt feelings go so much down, further down decreases is the word I'm looking for.
• 34:18
  Jenna Zint: Further down decreases when you just give them more information.
• 34:22
  Jenna Zint: I used to just wait.
• 34:23
  Jenna Zint: And then people are like you never said back I would tell them no, too early, and they're like man, I could.
• 34:27
  Jenna Zint: Or so I'm like oh, you can actually give a maybe, especially when you give a timeframe of when you'll get back to them with a definite Okay, number four.
• 34:35
  Jenna Zint: So there's yes, there's yes, but with edits, there's maybes and then alternatives.
• 34:41
  Jenna Zint: So what I mean by alternatives is really it's like a no, but here are some alternative options that I could do.
• 34:48
  Jenna Zint: So yesterday there was someone whose birthday was and I think this woman is amazing and I would have liked to go, but something else.
• 34:56
  Jenna Zint: It just kind of worked out that I wasn't going to be able to and I was feeling bummed because I was like, ah, this is kind of I don't want to send this value statement where it could be.
• 35:04
  Jenna Zint: And then I was like, okay, remember, I think she's actually strong enough and I don't think she would take it as an identity hit or rejection.
• 35:10
  Jenna Zint: So that remember me noticing my codependency.
• 35:13
  Jenna Zint: Like, okay, that's not true, that's not your responsibility.
• 35:15
  Jenna Zint: But what I did notice is like, oh, when I push past the self-protection or the codependency, what's under there is an honest desire for her to know that I have value for her and I think she's awesome.
• 35:28
  Jenna Zint: And I was like, oh, that is actually helpful information, I could do something with that.
• 35:32
  Jenna Zint: So in that moment, some of my alternatives really the two that I have is purposely giving them a voice memo on their birthday or when I say you know, if it has to be a no of encouragement, I think this one yesterday was like four minutes or so.
• 35:45
  Jenna Zint: Maybe it's praying over them, maybe it's telling them what I feel like the Lord is saying for their year, maybe it's just literally words of affirmation and encouragement.
• 35:54
  Jenna Zint: But what I realize is it is true to oh, I'm bummed, I'm not going to be able to be there, but this isn't a casual no and I have value for you and this is who I see you and it's so helpful.
• 36:04
  Jenna Zint: It almost feels like an instant little party or birthday nod or gift when it's maybe all I have to give.
• 36:10
  Jenna Zint: And then the second thing that I do for alternatives, when my RSVP has to be like a no but would be to schedule an alternative birthday hang.
• 36:18
  Jenna Zint: So I remember a couple of years ago, emily Brown shout out.
• 36:22
  Jenna Zint: I wasn't able to go to her birthday and she's someone who I love and adore and I was like dang it and I really couldn't move.
• 36:26
  Jenna Zint: I don't even remember what it was, but I couldn't move.
• 36:28
  Jenna Zint: So my alternative was like I'm so bummed to miss your birthday, can we please schedule a walk this week, or can I take you out for coffee?
• 36:35
  Jenna Zint: So it's this alternative of like oh, I know that's it's a no for what you proposed and what it's walks, but it's like I love you, I want to celebrate time with you and usually on the walk I would say that I do a birthday affirmation or I take like five to 10 minutes to prophesy, pray, encourage.
• 36:56
  Jenna Zint: So it feels different than just another walk, but it really is a way to communicate value and soften the blow.
• 37:01
  Jenna Zint: I think people give no so much and don't realize like they think about how it feels.
• 37:05
  Jenna Zint: But I don't think we think about the person who we're giving a no to, even when it's a logistic no, how it feels.
• 37:12
  Jenna Zint: So I just think there's like alternatives to love that are more creative.
• 37:15
  Jenna Zint: Okay.
• 37:16
  Jenna Zint: And then the reason to RSVP or options for invite.
• 37:20
  Jenna Zint: When it's just a straight up no One, I will without an alternative, I'll communicate why.
• 37:26
  Jenna Zint: So maybe like, oh, I would have loved to go on your birthday party but it's my daughter's track meet.
• 37:31
  Jenna Zint: Or if it's multiple no's, like I explained a little earlier with my friend Jess, who I had to change twice, I will tell them why it's not them and it is situational, because usually twice is a pattern and, frankly, when I get a few no's in a row from people, I do take it as feedback because they're less interested in friendship.
• 37:51
  Jenna Zint: And I back off a bit, not in a offended way, not in a bitter way, but I'm like, oh, that makes sense.
• 37:55
  Jenna Zint: This is them politely giving me information on their level of interest in either one I'm inviting them to or yeah.
• 38:03
  Jenna Zint: So, that being said, if I'm not trying to give someone that information, I will explain if there've been a pattern of no's where they're coming from, so they don't take it as feedback.
• 38:13
  Jenna Zint: Another thing I do for no's is sometimes I like I kind of gave this example with my friend Jess Beard, but I'll empathize for how a no feels.
• 38:19
  Jenna Zint: So I'm like, oh, you invited me to pickleball and I would have loved to go.
• 38:24
  Jenna Zint: I'm sure it's a bummer to get a no once again, but it's really like I would love to do it one day and I hope you find someone who's able to play with you because I'm sure it's going to be a blast.
• 38:33
  Jenna Zint: So like that would just be kind of more of an empathetic no, of how it feels to receive one.
• 38:38
  Jenna Zint: Does that make sense?
• 38:39
  Jenna Zint: And then sometimes I'll explain my emotion behind a no.
• 38:43
  Jenna Zint: So, oh, I would.
• 38:45
  Jenna Zint: Man, I'm so bummed Like sometimes my friends will do coffees in the middle of my workday and I actually am on a spot where I can't, because that would like cost me a couple of coachings, which is a lot of money.
• 38:57
  Jenna Zint: So then I have to be like, oh, I am actually sad that I can't.
• 39:03
  Jenna Zint: That sounds so fun and I would actually really love to be with you guys.
• 39:06
  Jenna Zint: And then I'll say maybe I feel a little fear of missing out, because actually this is a great example.
• 39:17
  Jenna Zint: All of my good friends right now are in Mexico, 12 of them for my friend's birthday, and when she invited us all in June, I realized that it was not in our budget.
• 39:24
  Jenna Zint: And this is a little testimony for growth for me is that I was like, oh, I'm gonna have to, that's gonna be a no, but it was a powerful no.
• 39:29
  Jenna Zint: Aaron didn't ask me to say no, which is kind of our pattern, because I'm like, yes, okay, that's not a great plan.
• 39:36
  Jenna Zint: So I felt like not a victim to it.
• 39:38
  Jenna Zint: But then the flip side is, when I went to tell her, I was like, oh my gosh, it'd be so fun and I know I'm going to have.
• 39:44
  Jenna Zint: I definitely have some fear that I'm missing out on you guys having a lot of fun, and I feel I'm afraid that maybe you'll feel hurt that I'm not doing it, but I really feel like I'm in a season where we're meant to live in our budget and this would be the choice that honors that.
• 39:58
  Jenna Zint: So, anyways, just explaining my emotions behind it is so much softer and gives context in a way that's like connecting, than just straight up a no.
• 40:07
  Jenna Zint: And then the last one is if this one's someone really good, someone who's a really good friend, I probably wouldn't do this.
• 40:12
  Jenna Zint: I probably I usually add this strategy with a few of the other ones, like empathize for how it would feel, explain my emotions behind it.
• 40:24
  Jenna Zint: And then, if it's a really, if I'm thinking it's going to be a really big ripple effect from my no, or someone who's really good friends, I would.
• 40:28
  Jenna Zint: Then the last thing is be like and I have a little bit of fear that or the story I'm telling myself, I have some fear that if I say no to this, you won't invite me to something else in the future.
• 40:37
  Jenna Zint: But I know that's not who you are, it's just a story I'm trying to kick out of my head.
• 40:41
  Jenna Zint: But if you notice, what I do is, I own it, but then I also bring light to it.
• 40:45
  Jenna Zint: So if they have it in their capacity to say like, oh my gosh, no, that's not true.
• 40:49
  Jenna Zint: Or oh, I get that fear, it invites empathy and it's so connecting, even though it was not the answer that they would prefer to hear.
• 40:56
  Jenna Zint: So just kind of telling on myself with, like, the story I'm telling myself is that you're going to think I'm a bad friend because I wasn't able to go on your 40th birthday trip.
• 41:04
  Jenna Zint: So, anyways, gosh, I hope that was helpful.
• 41:07
  Jenna Zint: That was 37 minutes.
• 41:09
  Jenna Zint: On the power of your RSVP, can you tell that I'm a Southern girl?
• 41:12
  Jenna Zint: No, I'm kidding.
• 41:13
  Jenna Zint: Actually, it was very important to send thank you notes and RSVP in my childhood, but this is all more adulthood information.
• 41:21
  Jenna Zint: So, all that to say.
• 41:22
  Jenna Zint: Best of luck with your RSVPs.
• 41:26
  Jenna Zint: And then please enter my podcast giveaway.
• 41:28
  Jenna Zint: Simply repost one of my episodes.
• 41:30
  Jenna Zint: If you're looking for a life coach, emotion coach, boundary coach, habit coach, the link to my calendar is in the show notes.
• 41:38
  Jenna Zint: I'm always taking new clients.
• 41:39
  Jenna Zint: Well, right now I'm taking new clients.
• 41:41
  Jenna Zint: I can't say always yeah, happy habit-iting everybody.