Latest / Dead Serious, Still Funny / Introduction Episode
Transcript
- Ashley: Welcome to Dead Serious, Still Funny, where we learn to balance the grief and the giggles. I am your widowed host, Ashley Southard, and today I want to talk about how we use dark humor as a coping mechanism in grief. And I know that it's not for everyone, but for those grievers who have turned to that humor to help them balance the immeasurable pain that you're in when you lose someone close to you, you know how healing it can be to just get the laugh. Or just get the joke. And sometimes it's not met in the best way. I think a lot of people can look at that as a disrespect or, you know, making light of such a serious tragedy or such a painful tragedy. And those who don't use that humor can definitely like be offended by that, I think, in some ways. But for me, I know that humor showed up pretty early. I remember standing in my bedroom. I'm in front of this like full-length mirror and I'm looking in my closet and I'm thinking, what do I wear to my husband's funeral. At thirty-two, that was not something that I had ever considered. I didn't have a Pinterest board of chic widow outfits or like, you know, fall trends for your husband's funeral. Like I had no idea or could even wrap my head around picking something out to wear to my husband's funeral. It seemed like the most preposterous idea to me. And I had two buck dresses and I was postpartum and I still had some baby weight and I I picked up one of the dresses. I remember looking at it going, there's no way I'm getting that zipper up. and I grabbed the second one and I put it on and it was this like jersey ribbed body con dress. It had like a velvet texture to it. It was like T length and I remember putting it on and I got it on and I turned to the side and my ass was Huge okay. I turned and decided it was the dumpiest of trucks, and I remember looking at my friends. I had a couple of my friends in the room with me, and I turned around and I said, Is this too astastic to wear to my husband's funeral? And I thought it would get the giggle and it didn't. The room went silent. and they just really didn't know how to handle the humor that I was putting forth in this like really tragic situation. But to me, it was something that I knew my husband would have lacked. at I knew that it was like a conversation that I would have at any other event and I was just clinging to this like sense of normalcy. And as someone who has like always used humor to cope through any type of feeling or or pain that I need to escape from, it was definitely like the first sign that like, this is one of those things where like I have to find my people before I can make those jokes. And not no discredit to my friends whatsoever. They just didn't know how to handle this because this was also so shocking and sudden for them as well. And they were processing their own level of grief surrounding that. And so in the days to come, I could not wrap my brain around the fact that my husband was dead or that he wasn't coming home. You know, I had this idea that he was like Tom Hanks on an island with a volleyball and he just was waiting to be rescued because For those that don't know, my husband died in the Mediterranean in a helicopter crash. And, you know, even seeing his body, even touching him in the casket, even like, you know, going through the process of planning the funeral and picking out what he would wear and notifying our friends and family and and all of that, I still could not wrap my brain around my husband not coming home. And I think a lot of people like we understand that denial happens, that it's one of the five stages of grief. But it's also so strange to feel in the moment because we can look at someone and go, they're in denial, but to actually feel denial is one of those things that's just like, no, I'm not in denial. I'm not delusional. Everyone else is. And I think that's like kind of what's so miserable about it. because there is that reality that sets in that like, shit, he's not coming home. And I was in denial and I I was delusional. And how often that still kind of like rears up I remember it was like right after my husband's first death anniversary so we had just hit a year and I was in the shower and I was washing my hair and I remember thinking, I need to take all the life insurance money and move it to this separate account. That way when he comes back and the the army asks for this this life insurance money back it'll just be easy to transfer and I won't have to nickel and dime where where it is or or what accounts in or anything like that. it'll just be its own. And I was going through this thought process and I probably got like, I don't know, 45 seconds into this like thought spiral before I realized like Ashley, this isn't a plan you need to have. He's dead. He's not coming back. You're not gonna have to pay the money back. He's not coming home. And I think it really surprised me how often that denial reared back up. even sometimes to today. I mean, catch myself like in Target and I'll see his body wash and I'll think, I wonder if Andy's out of and then it hits me. It's like, no, Andy's not out of body wash. because he's not here and he hasn't been for almost three years now. And so it's like definitely sobering to think about. And I think a lot of the ways that we handle that shock value to our system, to our nervous system that is like constantly reminding itself that this tragedy happened is by using humor. And I have always been someone who has used humor to cope. it just turned a little darker when I face such a tragedy. And while it doesn't alleviate the pain or or the grief that I carry, I think it has helped me find my people and find other grievers and widows that understand that like There's this sense of I don't know, absolute ridiculousness that comes with realizing that you're a 32-year-old widow or a 22-year-old widow or a 42-year-old widow even. And it's just like so sobering and also just it f it feels so insane to like wrap your brain around. And so I think humor is a way that we help balance that and also like build a community. I know that I've built a lot of friendships off the ways that I have used dark humor. And if you've followed my social medias for a while, you've heard me say some things that would make my grandmother clutch her southern pearls. but that is something that I've kind of become accustomed to. Like the the pearls are usually perpetually clutched when my mouth is open. and I think that's just part of like my personality. But one thing that I've like really found is that There are moments where I want to turn to my husband and I want to say something funny or I wanna like share a moment with him that I know he would laugh at. And still doing that, still turning to that empty space has helped me feel less alone. And so I do say the joke or I do say the ridiculous thing that's like brewing in my brain. because in my head he still hears it and he still thinks it's funny and it just makes me feel, I don't know, less alone and also still connected to him in a way because humor was such a huge part of our marriage and our love story. And for those that don't know, my husband and I were best friends for two years before we ever started like officially dating. And I remember we would go on these tender dates and then we would go on a date after the tender date to talk shit about our tender dates. And it was just this little ritual that we had together and the humor that came from that and like the laughs and and I think a lot of our marriage was built off of that. In fact I think our marriage was so strong foundationally because it was built on that friendship and so Dark humor is one of those things that it can offend the wrong crowd, but it can really help you build community with the right people. And when we start to shame people for the different ways that they cope around it, it's it starts to become this like tightrope balancing act of how do I cope with the pain that I'm having while also making everyone around me comfortable. And I think that's a topic that is so broad and so deep that I could I could do a ten part series and probably never cover it because the expectations of a griever are honestly kind of hypocritical, first all. but second of all just unattainable in general. Like the standard for grievers is that you must remain sad all the time but also not too sad because then everyone is like telling me to move on and and get this life and my gosh. I remember the like biggest whiplash for me was I had posted these videos on my TikTok about how, you know, when my husband first died, I've left them up. I I've I've been true to my journey and and I've wanted to honor like every aspect of that and every like milestone I kind of lived through and grew through in this grief journey. And so there was this the video that I made where I talked about I would never date again. I would never date again. I would never get married again. I had already had the best. Why would I want anything else? I didn't want to go through that dating process again. and I remember people actually being angry with me, not just saying like, you'll find love again or you're young and beautiful and blah blah blah and you'll get married again. All these things. No. There were people that are like You're ridiculous. You're gonna move on. You should give your daughter a father figure. You should do all these different things, and I remember getting really heated over it. And then I think it was like 18 months later, I had decided to go on my first date. And I remember like being excited to post about it, like being excited to make that video and post about it because all those people who told me like you're gonna find love again, or you're gonna open yourself up to it, or you need to find your daughter, a father, all these things. I remember them like thinking that they would be proud of me, or like that they would be excited that I had decided to take this step forward. And I remember posting the video and like sitting down all smugly like They're gonna love this. And I open up the comments and it's just a barrage of like, wow, there's no loyalty left in the world and I can't believe you're moving on this fast. And and it was a simple date. I was going on date with like my veterinarian, if you guys remember that era. and so I was just honestly c so caught off guard by people's opinions and expectations of me because what do you mean? Like you just told me that I needed to do this, that I needed to like find love again or like start dating again or open myself up to it. Like why am I now on the chopping block being crucified because I'm taking your advice? and I think that was like my first introduction into figuring out that like my grief journey has to be about me. Like it has to be about what's helpful to me and what I feel is going to bring light back into my life and purpose back into my life because if I base it off of what everyone else expects me to do or what everyone else is looking for to prove my tragedy, to prove that I'm worthy of their sympathy or their empathy or anything like that, I am never going to heal. I it's it's an ever-changing, ever constant fluctuation of expectations and standards and it varies per person and it even varies like within the same person. Like I think people like often, you know, have this one idea of of how things should go. But then when it goes that way, they're like, no, not like that. Don't do it like that. Do it, do it a different way. I don't know what way because I'm not going through this. But I want you to do it a different way because I didn't like the way that you did it just now. That can be infuriating and exhausting and overwhelming. And I think like the biggest part of my grief journey and and of my healing was accepting that no matter what I do, I'm going to piss someone off. I am going to make someone upset with me. Or the way that I've chosen to do something, or the way that I've chosen to represent my husband, or the way that I've chosen to still show up and and be a human being. Like there is always going to be someone pissed off. What's that quote that's like you could be the dripest, juiciest peach on the tree, and there's someone who doesn't like peaches? And that is so true here because that there's so many different opinions and if you start trying to live up to every single one and and please everyone you one you're going to be exhausted and burnt out because like I said that is ever changing ever fluctuating and you're never gonna do anything right for everyone. But what I have found is getting closer and having those tough conversations and conversations in general with the people around me that what they did think mattered, what they did feel about me in the way that I was moving forward and the way that I was carrying my husband forward did matter. And when I sat down and spoke to those people and and understood their expectations of me, which honestly were very little. It was just like survive, find joy again, like raise Hallie, be, you know a a a memory keeper for her and keep him alive for her. And that was the expectation. And and meanwhile I'm thinking about all these other parameters that everyone pa placed on me at the time. And when I realized how simple that was, everything else was just noise. It honestly was just noise. And I learned that what I needed to step forward is on me. And how I learned to heal and how I learned to like find joy in life again and and and live this life that my husband was supposed to get to live. And I think that was the thing that struck me as like it would be a slap in the face to him and to his sacrifice for me and our country and and everyone in it. If I just sat down and let it defeat me. If I let his death rob me of the life that I still had left to live, that would be such a slap in the face to him. Because he would have loved to live that life. He would have loved to have been out there and and seeing the things and watching our daughter grow up and like reveling in every stage of her and her sass and her attitude. And he would love to be there for that. So who am I to deny the joy that comes with continuing to live simply because he can? It's honestly a homage to him to. find that joy and to have it for him. And then something I've said since the beginning is like, I have to r live a really cool fucking life because my husband was a really cool guy. And, he would say this. I I don't typically say this or nor do I feel this way, but he got to die in a really cool way, knowing my husband, if you knew him, he was an adrenaline junkie and he loved his job. And if this man had been taken out by like influenza, he would have been super pissed off. He's like, I fly in super cool helicopters in this super cool special operations unit every day and I die from the flu. Like, no, he this is exactly if he got to choose his death how he would have chosen to go out. And I I kind of know that within my bones and it was something, you know, he said to his mom shortly after he joined the military was, you know, she said don't Black hawk helicopters go down a lot, don't they crash a lot? And she was like, Yeah, but if I die, at least I'll die doing something that I love doing. And she told me that story and it really brought me a lot of peace in knowing that even though he wouldn't have chosen to leave us. I think if he had to choose a way that he got to go out, it would be that way, especially with all the positive changes that came after his death, the different policies and protocols and safety procedures that were put in place that will save the lives of future aviators. he was the better of us. Like he he was the better human being. Because me, I'd be like, no, I think not. Give me my husband back. but he was the selfless one and he was just such a top-tier human being. And so I think in knowing that and in knowing who he was and finding ways to like heal and choose the joy in my life and accepting that I'm not gonna please everyone. I can't make everyone happy. It's literally impossible. I think the humor that I've used to cope through that and to get me to the next minute or even just to alleviate a really dark or miserable moment has been part of that process and knowing that it's not for everyone. It isn't. And that's okay because it's gonna help me build the community of people that that understand my character and my soul and my heart and and how I'm learning to step forward again and and find the joy and the giggles in life again. I think all of that just really leads me to the point that there is no grief journey that is identical. You know, I lost my husband along with four other women who lost their husband in the same crash, but none of us lost the same thing. even though it was the same crash and they were all husbands and fathers, like we did not lose the exact same thing. You know, we each loss is individual, each Grief journey is individual, and I think remembering that can also help us give a lot of grace to people as they're navigating through that. Because there's one hard and fast rule that I have now, and is that I never judge a widow ever. You could tell me the most preposterous, outlandish thing that someone has done after their husband died, and I would just one nothing could shock me. Like I've talked to so many widows at this point and I've had so many different conversations. that I understand like the behavior and the need to act that out. You're I don't think people understand how much of your identity you lose when you lose your person. You're not just mourning the death of them. That is the death of the future that you had planned of the, you know, person that you were. You when before my husband died, I was baking sourdough and homemade apple pies and scheduling out apple picking and pumpkin farms and, coordinating outfits and we were gonna take our Christmas photos and you know, I was I was living my best like stay at home mom life and and really enjoying it. And then my husband died and all of a sudden I'm head of household. All of a sudden it's my job to change the air filters and take the trash out and manage our investment portfolio and things that I had absolutely no idea how to do. and so I had to build a new identity around figuring out how to do those things and who was I if I wasn't a wife anymore, like something that I had worked for, who that I had dreamed of, something that like I put in like the effort for and and done all of the the healing and the self reflecting and the the finding of the perfect man just to lose him. And and my identity with him along with that. And so I think when we see early widows like, you know, partying or you know dating or throwing themselves into one hobby or the other or making crude jokes or any any number of things that you're like, I mmm is that just stop. Just don't. Because yeah, it is. And it is well within whatever right they have to figure out how to live again, how to step forward again, how to find the light again. And that doesn't just that's not just two widows. You know, there's so much of I of your identity that is wrapped up in all of the people around you. I mean, losing a parent and then not having a lifeline. To call to a person that literally gave you life, that is life-changing. losing a sibling, someone that you have built your entire personality around. You grew up beside this person, your inside jokes, the way that you view, you know, women or men is based around what you know of the gender of your sibling and and how you've grown up alongside them, and that's the standard that you've set. because that is a person that you've watched grow and become in a way that that you expect everyone to have grown and become. And so so much of your identity is lost when you lose them and then a child, you know, there's the there's a saying that's like on the day that a baby is born, it's not just a baby that's born, a mother is also born. And when you lose a child, a part of that motherhood dies. And finding that identity again is I can imagine so difficult. I had a second trimester miscarriage during my marriage with Andy and I would never compare that to the loss of a living child. but I can remember thinking like what what how do I step forward? How do I like talk about this this child that was wanted and loved and say his name and and all of these things and explain to people that he existed. and I can't imagine the identity crisis that comes with that as a mother who has also lost a living child and that is just such a miserable feeling all around that grief that seeps into you when you lose someone so important to you, be it a child, a sibling, a spouse, a a best friend, a parent, a step parent, what have you, that is something that is just so core to who you are. And you start having to rebuild your life and your expectation of who you are and and what life looks like now. without that person, without being able to pick up the phone or or send a text message or share, you know, a bad day or a good day with them or an accomplishment or a success or whatever, a failure. Like not having that lifeline, that tangible support from the person that you have built a life around is really disorienting. And when you have to rebuild your identity around that, a lot of the times you're trying to figure out who you even are now. And so there's a lot of trial and error in that. think of it as going through puberty again, like way later in life. And you're trying to figure out like what all these feelings are and and these emotions that you're you're just now feeling for the first time and how to adjust to them and how to manage them and how to cope with them and like who you are outside of the person you were before this huge tragic event. happened to you. And I think there's so much grace to be given. And even when we think we've hit the bottom of the well of grace that it is to be given to people who are grieving, I think we need to grab a shovel and I think we need to dig deeper. because it is so easy to say what you would do in a situation. Everything I said that I would do before my husband died, I I did the complete opposite of living it and and your idea of how you would handle something, it I would I would relate it to the same as like people who say, my kids would never do this, my kids would never do that, and they have zero children. it's the the perfect parent. you can be a perfect parent to imaginary children, and you can be the perfect widow when that reality is not your own to live. Well well I would do it this way and I can't believe and I and can you imagine and and you can't. The truth is people say I can't imagine and I believe them because I could never truly imagine what this felt like. Not not for real. I could I could relate in a way of the fear and the anxiety of losing my person but not in a real tangible way that that came with the weight. of actually losing them and everything that comes to surface with that. And so I think we should throw judgment out the window period. when someone loses someone and is starting to rebuild their life because while you can't imagine, I'm sure you can muster up enough grace to know that if you were in that situation you would want someone to meet you. with acceptance and love and patience and kindness rather than with judgment or with criticism. And there's a lot of mistakes that I made in the last three years. There's things that make me cringe to think about. Okay, I want to crawl out of my skin thinking about them. but it was everything I could do in that moment. make it to the next moment and honestly what does it say about people who criticize how someone chooses to survive? really sip with that. what what does that say about them? It's like, hey, you did this thing that I didn't like, that I didn't approve of, you did it to survive, but I didn't like it. What is the alternative? What would be the alternative? To them doing this thing. If that's what they needed to do in that moment to feel alive or purpose or to take the next breath, the next step, to agree to wake up tomorrow and you're criticizing that, you know, I think that makes you the asshole. I'm I'm not an expert, but in my book, that makes you the asshole. You know what I mean? It's like if someone is telling me, like, I was on fire and I didn't have any water, so I pissed myself. I'd be like, you know what? Hell yeah. As you should. What do you mean? And but could you you I know you can think of people who were like, my God, can you believe that she was on fire and she pissed herself? You're telling me there was no water around? You're telling me nowhere in that vicinity was a single drop of water. I would have stopped, dropped, and rolled because I paid attention in kindergarten. Okay. I want you to think about what your brain does in a tragedy. And I would love to hear the logic that comes from it because logic goes out the window when tragedy happens, when you are in fight or flight, when you are in survival mode. So I think that analogy is like really perfect for explaining how you can look at the decision someone made, but you didn't know the options they were given. It could have been a bad decision to you. But it could have been the best decision available to them at the time. and I think that's just one of those things that like I you can argue with a brick wall and and get further than you can with people who are just so committed to misunderstanding, misrepresenting, or judging like the hardest things someone could possibly go through. And that's a character flaw all in themselves. And while I would never wish this tragedy on anyone. I would never wish this pain on anyone. I think that there's like a slice of humble pie that could be served when they realize that like no one is exempt from grief. They might not lose their husband, but eventually we're all gonna meet grief somewhere along the way. To agree to love is to agree to heartache, to agree to grief. That is the challenge, the the trade off, the, you know you gotta pay the piper and the piper wants the tr the pain and the tragedy that comes from loving someone so much. And it's kind of cruel to think about in that way, but also really kind of romantic if you think about it. because you're agreeing to love this person to whatever end, no matter what. and and agreeing that the pain that you would feel in losing them is worth whatever moment moments you get with them. And so that is my thought for the day. That is the conclusion of how I feel about this process and and the coping mechanisms that come with it and how I don't think we should be judging people for the way that they choose to survive the unimaginable, be it dark humor or whatever ideas come up there. So Anyway, thanks for tuning in. I hope all of you find a little bit of grace today and remember that you can be dead serious and still funny. Until next time.