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375: Co-Regulation Ideas for Real Life, with Penny Williams · Beautifully Complex

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Your kid is trying to flip a grilled cheese sandwich
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: in the pan and it's not working. The whole thing
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: is falling apart, literally and emotionally. What happens next has
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: way less to do with sandwiches than you would think
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: and way more to do with co-regulation. Today, I'm breaking
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: down three simple doable ways to bring co-regulation into your
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: actual day, not just crisis moments, but your ordinary Wednesday.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: I'm Penny Williams, and this is Beautifully Complex. Imagine that
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: you're trying to teach your child how to make their
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: own grilled cheese, but it's a struggle. They're having a
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: hard time with spreading the butter evenly, or they're having
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: a hard time with getting it flipped without falling apart
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: in the pan. I was just talking with a parent
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: during coaching this week about this exact situation where her tween,
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: young teen, wanted to be able to make her own
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: grilled cheese sandwich. And mom was very patiently trying to
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: help her and yet watching that the situation was still
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: a big struggle. It was an emotional struggle because it
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: was not working out the way that the child wanted
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: it to work out. And mom was kind of at
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: a loss of how to help, how to get through
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: that discomfort period to get to the other side of
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: it and how to really help her child also to
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: be able to continue to learn that skill to be
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: able to sit with discomfort, to not give up, to
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: not turn away from it, to keep going and keep trying.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: And my first thought as she was talking to me
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: and sharing this story was co-regulation. It wasn't about the setup.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: It wasn't about the interaction between them necessarily, although co-regulation
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: kind of is. You know, it wasn't about the conversation
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: or the instruction. It was first about the co-regulation and
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: so my recommendation first and foremost was to actually make
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: their each their own grilled cheese in tandem to have
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: child over here with her own pan her own bread
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: her own butter her own cheese and to have mom
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: on the burner next to her with her own pan
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: her own butter her own bread her own cheese and
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: to do it in tandem Because when we do things
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: in tandem, it's co-regulating. We are sending signals of safety,
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: cues of safety to the child. But also, you're showing
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: how to do it instead of explaining how to do it.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: And for this particular child, working memory and executive function
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: was also a huge struggle. And that was part of
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: what was getting in the way But really, the conversation
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: started around how do I as the parent facilitate this
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: in a better way that feels better for everyone, but
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: also has better outcomes. And so my first thought was co-regulation. Then,
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: of course, we added things like giving her a written
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: visual instruction because she's struggling with working memory, you know,
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: trying to go into these situations with less words and
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: more action, less words and more modeling or more visual support.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: So it was about the supports for the executive function challenges,
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: including working memory, but it was also about offering the
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: cues of safety and engaging in co-regulation and Because that
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: is going to help the child's nervous system handle the discomfort,
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: handle when things didn't go exactly the way they wanted
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: them to a whole lot better. So think about times
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: with your own kid. Are there ways where you can
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: do the activity in tandem? You know, most of us
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: think about co-regulation, meaning that we need to stay calm
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: while our kid has whatever behavior they have around us.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: But we have to come in and we have to
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: be calm. And for those of you who are just
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: listening and not watching, I am using air quotes when
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: I use the word calm because that's not really the goal.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: The goal is to come into situations that are difficult, settled,
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  Speaker 1: and steady. so that we are sending cues of safety
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  Speaker 1: from our nervous system to our kids' nervous system because
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: that is going to help them to be able to
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: settle better. So co-regulation isn't staying calm in the face
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: of a meltdown or a shutdown or a kid who
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: is saying really hurtful things or maybe damaging property. We
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: don't have to just shut everything off and stay calm.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: And if we do that, if we're able to do that,
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  Speaker 1: it isn't magic. It isn't going to stop the meltdown
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: or the shutdown. So co-regulation isn't about, I'm going to
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  Speaker 1: be a calm presence and nothing else matters. They're automatically
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  Speaker 1: going to be able to do better. It's part of it.
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  Speaker 1: Being settled and steady is part of it, but it
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  Speaker 1: is not the whole picture. And it's not even the
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: most useful part of co-regulation for our day-to-day. I want
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  Speaker 1: to say that again. Calm isn't even the most important
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: piece of co-regulation in our day-to-day lives. What does that mean? Well,
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  Speaker 1: the real opportunities for co-regulation are the ones that we
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: don't notice because they don't stand out in a crisis.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: They're the ones that look like making a grilled cheese
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  Speaker 1: sandwich in tandem with your child. So there's really three
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  Speaker 1: practical entry points for co-regulation. One is that tandem activity
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: that I've just illustrated with this grilled cheese sandwich story.
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  Speaker 1: We're doing something in tandem. And it doesn't have to
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  Speaker 1: be something as intensive as cooking together. You could be
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: walking in the neighborhood together. If you're walking kind of
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: in sync next to each other, you're walking in tandem.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: Could be bike riding. Doesn't have to be a tandem bicycle.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: It can be two separate bicycles, but you're walking or
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: riding in tandem. Think about your day-to-day life. Think about
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: where are there opportunities that rather than telling my kid
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: what to do, rather than being their guide, can I
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: just do it with them? The second really key type
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: of co-regulation is body doubling. And that's kind of the
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  Speaker 1: technical term or the common term that we hear a lot,
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: especially in the ADHD communities. A lot of adults with
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: ADHD talk about how it's so much easier to get
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  Speaker 1: started or get something done if they can body double,
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  Speaker 1: if there is another human present. Why is that? The
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: science tells us that that's because that other nervous system
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  Speaker 1: is sending our nervous system cues of safety because relationship
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  Speaker 1: connection is part of what helps to regulate, to modulate
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  Speaker 1: our nervous system states. And so when there's another person present,
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: not talking, not helping, not doing the same thing, none
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  Speaker 1: of that stuff matters. Just being present alone can be co-regulation.
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  Speaker 1: That can be a sort of intervention of its own.
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  Speaker 1: And then the third type of co-regulation is what's commonly
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: known as serve and return. It is back and forth
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  Speaker 1: moments of attention, of responsible responding. That sounded weird, responsible responding.
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  Speaker 1: But being in this back and forth, you can think
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: of it like a tennis match. Somebody serves, then the
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: other person on the other side of the court in
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: that match, their job is to return the ball. And
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: then it is a game of back and forth, right?
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  Speaker 1: And so that's where the term serve and return comes in.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: But these can be really small things. It can be
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: conversation when the conversation feels good to everyone and everyone's
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: open to it. It can also be something like bouncing
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: a ball back and forth while you're in conversation. It
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: can be something like some sort of activity where you're
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: adding to each other. I don't know if when you
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: were a kid, you played the game where You would
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: go around like a circle of kids. Somebody would start
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: with one statement to start the story, and then each
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: person would add to it. You could do something similar
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  Speaker 1: between two people, and that would serve as a serve
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: and return. activity. If I say something funny and now
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: you're supposed to add to it, now the ball's in
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: your court, you add to it and then it comes
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: back to me to keep it going, right? And so
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: we can volley back and forth with something fun, some improvisation.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be that has some sort of meaning.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: We're not worried about building skill, teaching lessons. These aren't teachable.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: You know, co-regulation is completely separate from teaching, from lesson,
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: except that it helps with teaching, right? It helps to
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: keep the thinking brain accessible. So we want to implement
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: co-regulation in all kinds of daily activity. And that's why
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: I said that this is co-regulation for your day-to-day. That's
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: where it matters, and that's where we're going to get
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  Speaker 1: the most positive effects, positive outcomes from it. And also,
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: it's going to really be that point that is not
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  Speaker 1: something added to the day. We're not taking some time
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: to co-regulate. We're adding the layer of co-regulation to on
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: the things we're already doing, like that grilled cheese. As
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: the parent, you can stand there, you can guide with
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  Speaker 1: your voice, with your words, and you are helping with
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  Speaker 1: making a grilled cheese. Or you can layer on the
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: co-regulation of doing it in tandem. And I would add,
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: layer on even not doing yours perfectly. Make sure that
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: your grilled cheese is not perfect because then you're lowering
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: the bar for their own expectation of themselves. Because a
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: lot of kids get into this struggle because of the perfectionism.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: If you feel like you can never make a good
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  Speaker 1: grilled cheese because the goal for you is a perfect
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  Speaker 1: grilled cheese, you're never going to feel successful at it.
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  Speaker 1: And what might happen in the long term, you might
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  Speaker 1: give up. You might decide that, you know, you just can't.
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  Speaker 1: It's just not in you. But that's not true because
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  Speaker 1: the goal isn't perfection. The goal is a tasty sandwich, right?
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  Speaker 1: The goal is to sort of toast the bread, make
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  Speaker 1: it taste buttery, and melt the cheese a little so
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: you have an ooey gooey center. It is not to
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  Speaker 1: have a, you know, Bon Appetit magazine worthy photographic a
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: bowl of grilled cheese, right? And that's kind of what
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  Speaker 1: society tells us and social media tells us. We have
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  Speaker 1: to counterbalance those ideas that our kids get stuck in
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  Speaker 1: with being human and making mistakes openly and loudly with them.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: That's what changes that feeling about the situation for your kid.
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  Speaker 1: If your kid takes a stimulant, you know the dreaded hour.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: That moment in the afternoon where their medication wears off
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: and you're back on the struggle bus. School seems to
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: get the best hours while you get the hardest ones
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: at home. Their stimulant is dosed to be effective over
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: the school day hours, but it doesn't last for homework
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: and activities later. That's the stretch that Stace's Kids was
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: built for. It doesn't replace their stimulant. It's designed to
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: be taken automatically alongside it to round out what's already
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: working by supporting both healthy cortisol levels and alleviating oxidative stress.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: Just a single supplement in the morning alongside their stimulant
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: provides a smoother finish to the day. It's pediatrician grade,
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: dosed for kids six plus, third-party tested, and there are
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: no proprietary blends. I can tell you personally, I wish
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: Stasis Kids had existed before when my own kid was
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: taking a stimulant. If your kid is taking a stimulant
• 14:19
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• 14:29
  Speaker 1: offering 15% off for Beautifully Complex listeners. Just use the
• 14:34
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• 14:37
  Speaker 1: February 28th, 2027. So let's kind of unpack a little
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: bit more of this grilled cheese scenario because there's more
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: than just co-regulation to pull out of it. We're talking
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: about an instruction card and that provides relief. It takes
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: the stress off of the brain and the executive function
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  Speaker 1: that was struggling, but it's also taking the pressure off
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: of the parent in that situation and to not have
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: to be solely responsible for how the outcome happens, right?
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  Speaker 1: If we're just giving verbal instruction, it's all on us
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: how that outcome turns out when our kid hasn't yet
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: mastered that skill. So we take the pressure off of us.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: We take the pressure off of our kid's executive functioning,
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: their working memory. by just creating an instruction card for
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: them and having it available. And then that also removes
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: you verbally correcting throughout the process, which feels like cues
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: of threat, right? We have to think about this layer
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: of safety, felt safety within all of these kinds of situations.
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: So the co-regulation is helping with that feeling of safety,
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  Speaker 1: those cues of safety, but also having your needs met
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: where you're struggling. So with executive function, with working memory,
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: by creating that instruction card. And then by doing that,
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  Speaker 1: we're also reducing the pressure and the stress on the
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: nervous system, which reduces cues of threat and increases those
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: cues of safety. We're lightening the cognitive load when we
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: provide those written instructions. I would also argue that we
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: are lightening the cognitive load when we are doing it
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: in tandem and we are showing how to do something
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: instead of telling because telling requires language processing and response.
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: Showing does not require the same parts of the brain
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: to process in the same ways that language does. It
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: can be easier for a lot of people, not for everyone,
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: Somebody is going to be like, just tell me step-by-step
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: what to do, and that's how they function best. But
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: for a lot of our kids who struggle with processing,
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: who struggle with language, this is going to be much
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: less of a cognitive load for them. Then, of course,
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: that tandem cooking was giving that teen a model so
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: that she could glance at what mom or parents is
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: doing and and not feel like parent is watching and judging, right?
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: If you're standing and giving instruction, it feels like you're
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: watching and judging. You are watching and you are sort
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: of judging because that's part of the process of guidance, right?
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  Speaker 1: But if we flip the way we're guiding into this
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: modeling and showing, then we're removing that feeling of being
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: watched and judged. And so we are helping the nervous
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: system to feel safe. Again, everything I say here is
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: always going to come back to felt safety. That is
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: what matters the most in everything. It all comes down
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: to felt safety. Everything. You can throw anything at me
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: that is a challenge with your kid, and I'm going
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: to let you know that there is an element of
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: felt safety that is absent from that because it guides everything.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: And then lastly, with that cooking and grilled cheese analogy example,
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: the tandem activity itself was the co-regulation, just as I
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: said at the very beginning. Two nervous systems are working
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: side by side, doing similar things, right? You may be
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: going at that grilled cheese a little bit differently than
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: your kid next to you, but you're basically doing the
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: same thing in tandem, in sync, And there is a
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: rhythm to that. Our nervous systems love rhythm. Love rhythm.
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  Speaker 1: It is one of the sort of goalposts of safety
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: for our nervous system. Anywhere that you can implement rhythm,
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: you're implementing co-regulation. You're offering co-regulation. And even in that situation,
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: you're also offering connection. More so than when you are
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: taking the role of coach and guide and you're watching.
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  Speaker 1: There's more connection in doing together than in being the instructor.
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: and the student. I hope that makes sense for you.
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  Speaker 1: I always try to put myself into an example of
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: the situation to think back in my own life or
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: in my own childhood. When is there a time where
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: someone was just telling me what to do and thinking
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: about how that really felt? Versus when was a time
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: where I got to learn by doing and learn from
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: somebody showing me? I'm very much a visual learner. I
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: need you to show me, not tell me. And so
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: I understand when I think about these things that showing
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: feels more comfortable. And when we have more comfort, that
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: equates to more felt safety. That's the key. There are
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: so many ways moments in your day-to-day where you can
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: offer some co-regulation. And I want to just give you
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: a few examples really quickly here to start to get
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: like your creative juices flowing on what things could you
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: do as serve and return? What things could you do
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: with body doubling? What could you do in tandem together?
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: For younger kids, you could build something together like Legos.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: So you're working on your own structures, your own creative
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: thing that you're creating, but you're doing it side by
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: side at the same time. Coloring or drawing at the
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: same table. So you're not working on the same page together.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: You're working on your own things, but you're doing it
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: at the same time in tandem. And you can narrate
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: out loud for kids, especially the younger kids. I'm going
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: to make my sky blue. You're not telling them that
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: their sky needs to be blue. You're not giving them instruction.
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: Their sky can be purple. And I want you to
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: be really accepting of their sky color. Even if it's black,
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: that's okay, right? This is not a lesson. It's not
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: a teaching moment. It's co-regulation. It's nervous system health. That's
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: all we're doing. Nervous system wellness. So we're not directing,
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: but we can narrate some of what we're doing because
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: it helps to build skill. It helps to give cues
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: of safety. If you have like elementary age kids, that
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: tandem cooking, baking, each of you making like a simple version,
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: you know, grilled cheese, while there is some difficulty level,
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: like I am one of the world's worst grilled cheese makers.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: And I have had to say, it's okay. It doesn't
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: matter what it looks like. It can have a hole
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: in it. It can have a little burnt spot we
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: can cut out or we can scrape off. Typically when
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: I'm the one in the house making the grilled cheese,
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: The first pan of grilled cheese, two sandwiches, always goes
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: in the trash. I always burn it. Always, always, always.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, well, that was my warmup. And now
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: I'm on to the next batch. And that's okay. And
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: a couple weeks ago, we had grilled cheese and there
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: were holes in the bread. It was a hot mess.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: And I just decided to lean into acceptance. And that's
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: what we need to teach our kids. That's what we
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: want to model to them. So we can start with
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: simple things because we always want to start with opportunities
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: for success, easy wins, easy successes. It could be decorating
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: their own pizza. So they're decorating one, you're decorating one
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: or putting the toppings on it, right? Or decorating cookies,
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: baking cookies, like so many things. What are you doing
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: sometimes already in your home that you could each do
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: at the same time? There's so many things. Another thing
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: for elementary age, doing homework or a puzzle at the
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: same table. Maybe you have a task like a crossword
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: puzzle or some work that you brought home or paying bills,
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: even reading a book that you wanted to read. You
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: could sit at the same table or on the same
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: sofa in the same room, some sort of proximity together,
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: and they could be doing their homework while you're doing
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: that other task. So you're not hovering around, you're not supervising,
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: you're not prodding and nagging them to get back to
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: what they were doing to work more efficiently. You're just
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: there doing your own thing and that helps their nervous
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: system to co-regulate. If we get into the teenagers, something
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: like learning a new skill together where neither one of
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: you is an expert yet, you're both beginners. It could
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: be a new recipe. It could be some sort of
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: craft or art, maybe a video game that neither one
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: of you have played yet. And learning together instead of
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: trying to instruct your child. Folding laundry, doing a chore
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: side by side. We always have this idea that our
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: kids need to be solely responsible for getting a chore done.
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: That they should, and again, for those listening, should is
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: in my air quotes, that they should be able to
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: do it themselves. Maybe, but if they didn't just get
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: in there and do it themselves successfully, there's something getting
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: in their way. And maybe all they need is a
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: body double in the room. Or maybe all they need
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: is you working with them while they get started, and
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: then you're able to let them finish. They don't need
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: to start by being responsible for completing the whole chore
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: on their own. Because then we start adding pressure when
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: they're not able to do it, and we make it
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: less doable for them. For teens. You may think that
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: if you have a teen or a young adult that
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: you don't have these opportunities, but I promise you that
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: you do. They can be so very small. So very small.
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: Look for those little bitty opportunities. Something like maybe you're
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: going for a walk together. There's no agenda. You're not
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: going to talk about hard things. You're not going to
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: rehash something that happened two days ago. There's zero agenda there.
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: The agenda is we are walking together at the same
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: time in the same space. That's connection. You don't even
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: have to talk, and you're sending cues of safety to
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: your kid's nervous system, and you're connecting with them. You could,
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: in teen or young adult years, do something maybe creative,
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: your own independent project in the same room. Maybe you're
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: journaling or doing some zin tingle, which is something that
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: I want to get back into for myself for some
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: mindfulness practice. You could do so many things present, but
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: not involved in each other's tasks. At any age, you
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: can share a natural serve and return task that has
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: kind of that serve and return aspect built into it,
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: where maybe one person is reading the recipe and And
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: the other person is taking the actions. So my kid says, okay,
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: step one is measure the cheese. And then I measure
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: the cheese. And then now it's returned back to them.
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: Step two, instruction. And then it's returned to me. I'm
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: going to do that, right? Back and forth, back and forth.
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: That rhythm, I'm telling you, that rhythm, it's soothing for
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: you too, I promise. Like every time I think about rhythm,
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: my body... doesn't exhale. It feels like a relief. So
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: think about when can I be present, but only present?
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: When can I do an activity in tandem with my kid?
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: When can I do something in a serve and return
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: rhythm with my kid? All of that is co-regulation, folks.
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: All of that is giving them the felt safety that
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: they need to be able to feel better and and
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: to do better, to be able to regulate, to modulate
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: between those nervous system states a little bit more skillfully
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: and with a little bit more ease. So think about it.
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: I want you to make a plan. What is one
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: thing this week that you can do to implement one
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: of these three types of co-regulation with your kid? Make
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: a plan. Make time for it. It will pay off.
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: It will pay off huge, I promise. Thanks for being
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: here and listening, folks. I am Penny Williams, and I
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: hope that I will see you next time. Please take
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: good care. Visit beautifully-complex.com for more resources, coaching, and parent training.
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: And help another kid by sharing this with someone who
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: could benefit from listening.