Latest / AHA Podcast / Blake the Stigma: A Mother's Fight to Talk About Suicide | Desiree Darago (ep 14)

Transcript

Blake the Stigma: A Mother's Fight to Talk About Suicide | Desiree Darago (ep 14) · AHA Podcast

• Desiree: I've also rose from the ashes more times than I would like to admit. And I still progress and I'm still, even through losing him, I'm still moving forward because the world doesn't stop when we lose them. You get a couple of weeks off of work, maybe a month or so if you got good PTO, but It doesn't stop spinning. nobody stops. Nobody's like, Allie, you know what I mean? it just keeps moving. And if you don't you know, you can sit on the tracks, but eventually the train's coming and you gotta you gotta get ahead of it. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: hello, and welcome to the AHA podcast. I'm your host, Allie Andris, and I have a very special guest that I am so excited to present today. her name is Desiree Derigo, and we are gonna talk about her amazing son, Blake Sumego. Who passed away and we know each other through a bereaved mom's retreat that we did with some other angel mamas. And when you go through something like that and get to do a retreat and be pampered, it's the best therapy when you're going through pure hell. So it really bonds you. And we've got a little group of soul sisters that are going through it. So today we're just gonna have some real talk about grief and I'm gonna let her talk about her son and how amazing he is and what she's been doing to honor him. so yeah, Desiree, let's start by having you talk about what your life was like before and what was Blake like? Desiree: girl, you got me tearing up already. amazing. No, that's all right. Amazing. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Okay, sorry. Desiree: Like honestly, I had life was kind of smooth sailing. I know that sounds crazy, but I have three great kids. He was the youngest of my three. They were all involved in activities at school. My girls did flag. My sons played football from Pee-Wee all the way up to his senior year. He hated practice, loved the games. He was more for the guts and glory versus the work, but he was a good kid. He was the easiest baby. And all of my kids, they're really, really, really good kids. I was blessed. he was a good baby, he was a little rougher on the edges. He was my boy. So he broke a lot more things and had to go to the ER more and stuff like that. But real smart kid. He never minded being in school. He was outdoorsy. He liked hunting and fishing. he loved four wheeling. He started riding four wheelers almost before he could walk. He had like training wheels on his first dirt bike. just really he's really great kid, really great smile, funny. just my kids were great and life was great. And that's one thing that makes me sad is that my daughter, my oldest daughter, she says a lot now that if she looks at the pictures before 2024, like we all had like a gleam in our eyes and any pictures after, even though we're still happy and it's joyful moments in the after in the past 2024, she said that our glimmer and our light. he took a lot of our light with him. but like I said, great kid. He was well rounded. He got his first buck when he was eight years old hunting. That's great, you know, that's a big thing when you're a boy and that's one of your outdoor fun activities. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: just a good kid, a good soul. He was good to people. you know, he was always like the one that was gonna help somebody out, or he felt like somebody was the underdog or being picked on. He's gonna stick up for him and I mean, popular in school, just our life was good. It was good. I had a good relationship with their dad, even through a divorce. we still get along pretty good. I'm a trigger for him, so I found that hard. through the whole process of grief, but our relationship still remained solid for our kids and stuff. So I personally it was good. We were good parents, we raised great kids and I felt good. Life felt good. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah, yeah. my gosh. I can really relate to that what you're talking about, the gleam and same thing. Like I look at the photos from before and you feel whole and complete and happy and then after you always feel like there's something off, not quite right, that's missing. Desiree: Yeah. It's it's just you know that it's like that one little spark that they gave us. You know what I mean? Cause every kid, everybody that you love gives you a little light in your eye and a little spark in your heart. And you c yeah, you can tell by looking at You're like, even though like I said, it'll be joyful pictures and great and cute, but like if you do compare the before and afters, you can tell the difference. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Mm. Yeah, yeah. I definitely feel that. and a lot of so far moms that I've talked to about their kids, it seems like the ones that go early or too soon kind of share something in common and that they're just like really bright souls who seem to care about everyone and be willing to do anything for anyone and they don't judge. They're see them kind of as all the same. it's interesting as you're describing Blake, I'm thinking of a lot of The same things about my own daughter. So yeah, yeah, beautiful. Desiree: Yeah. They were too bright. They're I always said his his light was too bright for this dim world. It's they were too good for all you know what I mean? It really Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Totally do. Yeah. Desiree: it is. Cause he I mean, even football, like his tribute from his high school, because he was really, really good in football to the point where, like I said, he didn't like practice even into high school, his senior year, He was like, I want to go make money. So they let him skip conditioning that year. And they were like, as long as you come on August third for our first gate, like scrimmages, it's like literally he just had that way about him. He was just suave about it. And they're like, Go make your money and come, you know, kick butt on the team. But he was such a powerful force on the field that year. It really impacted our school like drastically because he was the one on the side. They Full contact was his saying. So he was always like cheering everybody on, like full contact. Like we would we was out there for blood when when he was playing. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: And I loved he's my favorite football player. I loved watching that kid play. But it was Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: like we could tell even in our team, once he was gone, it was like their their cheer he was like their sideline cheerleader whenever he made it to the sideline, which wasn't very often, but yeah. too bright for this world. Their souls were too good. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah, my gosh, yeah. I bet he was so good. What position was he? Desiree: he was so when he was in Pee Wee, he never left the field. He was offense and defense. His senior year, he was on special teams, so he did kick off team. and he was awesome at doing that too. He recovered quite he did good in football. It was fun. He was one of the fun ones to watch. tight end, he also played tight end and defensive end. So Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Mm. Yeah, yeah. And I think that's another thing. When you burn really bright, you live life to the fullest. when you do things, you don't have ask them. Mikel was that way too, with volleyball. And I think that's that's also a whole nother thing with grief, is that you get used to a lifestyle. Like a lot of my lifestyle was going to volleyball games. she played. competitive volleyball and it was so fun to watch and it's a big deal. It's a big part of your life and and not only have you lost the person but you're like, wait a minute, now I don't get to go to volleyball games anymore, you know, and that's probably how you feel about football as well. Desiree: Miss football so much. I still, it's sad because I still have my go-to football bag. It's still hanging on a hook in my hallway. And we went, we supported his team actually went to the playoffs that championship that year. And we went to almost all the games, not like the last two. And they honored him on senior night. It was really special. the whole senior, all the seniors walked us out on the field. But it was one of the hardest things because. You know, I had walked the field with both of my girls, their senior years, and here I've got a football team walking me out and it was like dead silent. It was like just an instant moment of silence. And it was very heart wrenching to miss that. Now his school, our community, I couldn't be more grateful because I did lose him to suicide and there is a stigma. So you're worried. I was very worried. Like it Like at first I felt like I wanted to hide it. You know, 'cause like instantly, like you're like, this is awful. I don't know what people are gonna think, or what they're gonna say about him, or just any of the things. And then almost instantly it was almost like Blake telling me, like, screw him. Who cares what they think about me? and honestly, Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: I'm glad that I didn't hide it because Our community supported us a hundred and ten percent. he would have graduated. So it was his senior year and I had to stand on business with my work. this is his senior year. I'm not missing any of his games. On Fridays I have to leave it one. And they fought me tooth and nail about it. But I stood on business and I'm glad because I only got about a month and a half of his senior year as far as the football and the games and stuff. And then There's just things that you start missing out on and I know that some of these you haven't reached yet 'cause Mikel was younger than Blake. But like Homecoming was shortly after that. And it was sad because, you know, all of his friends were going to homecoming or two days after he passed away was supposed to be his senior pictures. And we ended up he did get senior pictures, but we ended up doing with like his dirt bike and his riding helmet. And we had a cap and gown, the school let us order. And they actually made me and his dad both, since we're split up, they gave us his diploma, which was like real sort of yeah. His football coaches actually took us out to dinner. We went and had Mexican and then they presented us and they gave us his diploma. So when we did his senior pictures, we just had like a huge picture of him. He's so cute in it. And it was a professional shoot, but we had to have it with his dirt bike and his cap and gowns just draped on his picture and his diploma. And it was such a it was an honor to honor him like that. But it was such a sad. It's even when I look at him, it's sad because my baby's not there. You know what I mean? But I'm glad that we continue to honor him and Cause I like to talk about Blake. I like remembering him. That was just something that we have, and it'll always be a sad memory, but it's beautiful at the same time, you know what I mean? So and Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah, absolutely. Desiree: his girlfriend walked the stage. So he technically did walk the stage at graduation. They didn't announce him, but they did put his little baby picture and his senior football picture up. And when she walked the stage, usually they're not allowed to wear sashes, but I made her a sash that had like his senior football pictures and her senior pictures and it had both their names on it. So he technically did walk the stage with her too. So I mean special, bittersweet watching my son's graduation, 'cause all of his friends, you know, I've ate some feelings to make it to events and it was tough and it was within one year that I all of that, you know, prom and there was a lot of milestones that instantly hit me back to back. but Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: So hard. Desiree: we did make the best of him. Like I said, I'm glad that we did them graduation pictures 'cause it's a great way to honor him and and another way to not forget because people get uncomfortable, and they don't want to talk and Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: It's kind of a forced not forced, but it's just a way that we're not forgetting him and he's still included and he still means something. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Yeah, that's a big reason I wanted to do the podcast. I mean, there's a lot of things it's therapeutic for me to talk about this stuff, but also I wanted to normalize talking about loved ones who have passed because I feel like people don't realize, but most of the time people wanna talk about them. Like it feels like you're honoring them and keeping their memory alive and that they mattered. And I I smile when I talk about my daughter. sometimes I cry, but but Desiree: Sure. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: like it elicits emotions. but yeah, you know, people get awkward and weird and maybe before this happened I might have been the same way thinking, gosh, should I say the name? Should I bring it up because I don't wanna upset them? But for me and it seems like most moms I've talked to, it's like, please bring them up, like let Desiree: Yeah, let's talk about They're fabulous. That just happens Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah, well, I don't tell you about my Desiree: to be my favorite person. Let's do it. And that's another Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Yeah, totally. and it Desiree: thing too, is Blake is he's a he was a male version of me. I don't think we noticed it so much until after he had passed away. And then we're like rough around the edges. It's You know what, like kind of like a Sour Patch Kid. We're sour patch kids. Like at first, you're not sure. Like, I'm not sure about Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: this one. And then you're like, my god, they're so sweet. Love them. But I mean, Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Like Desiree: so he was a lot like me and he liked joking. He was always the funny guy. And He always it didn't matter. He'd have you crack it up. Like I think a lot of times, like the good Mikhail's drinking water, it cracks me up because. Something about that reminds me of Blake. his was more shed hunting. He liked to walk the woods and look for sheds and stuff. But just something about that made my soul smile because it was like a consistency that you know when you have 15 videos it's cute because like why what would make you record her little this is good water and that's not so good water. And it's cute now because it's like us as moms were like. I mean, of course, we always think that they're fabulous, but it's crazy to see those cute little personality quirks of theirs that we adored so much and mean so much to us now. Cause like I said, Blake's was shed hunting or He liked to ride his four-wheeler through the woods and look for the sheds and stuff. Even when he was little, he liked to do that. So it's special Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: No total. Desiree: because it's like we're holding on like I don't know. Like I said, it's almost a repetitive like memory or a core. that we kept recording and kept taking pictures of and stuff and so powerful to see now 'cause like to see a whole collab of those is it's amazing. I love it. Yeah. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: I know, and aren't you so glad we took photos and videos and I mean Desiree: And didn't listen to them. Cause you know, my kids were like, get your camera out of my face. And I'm like, I can't help it. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: I know. my gosh. I love it. My my older daughter hates for me to ever take pictures or anything. And when I was going through photos with her and Mikel I found this video not long before Mikhail passed, and I was trying to video both of them. My older daughter was like, my gosh, stop, mom, stop recording. And I said, You know what, I'm gonna die someday, and this is all I'm gonna have on my deathbed is gonna be sitting Desiree: Yeah. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: here watching these videos that's gonna bring me joy. and Mikhail was like, my gosh, mom, you're so dramatic. No one's gonna die. And Not long after that she did, and I'm so grateful. So thank you for me not listening to them. Yeah. Desiree: Yes, same because my kids all the time, they're like, You're always taking pictures, you're always taking video. And I still do it. And you know what's funny now is that my girl funny, not funny. My girls, if I post because I don't like I'll go in my old memories on my old Facebook and I'll post like video because I took lots of videos of them and pictures. You know, they're so cute, you can't help it. And Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: Now my girls are messaging me, like, send me those videos, all of them. And I'm like, you mean the ones that I wasn't allowed to record for the past twenty years? Like, okay, I'll send them to you. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: I know, I know. I love it. it's so good. And there's also times when I just can't. It's like I get both. There's days where I'm like I can't open it up. I'm just gonna hurt too much. And other days Desiree: Very Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: I sit there for hours and just get lost and I'm like, I'm so glad I have these. Yeah. Desiree: Yes. Same. I've there's days I cry over them and I'm like, well, I don't even know why I'm sitting here watching these. Like it's usually by myself, Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: but I'm like, why am I even watching these right now? They're breaking my heart. But almost at the same time, I feel like them kind of cries for us is really therapeutic. Even though we're ugly crying, I think having those memories and being able to relive them for even a second is like so beautiful for our souls and tears cleanse. I truly believe, even though I don't outwardly I tend to be in the car on my hour and a half drive to work, bawling like a baby, or, you know, everybody leaves the house for the day and I get caught in the rabbit hole of pictures and videos. But like I said, it's a double edged sword because it brings you so much joy and then it breaks your heart at the same time. But I love seeing their faces. Even I watch Mikel's videos and cry. I'm like, I watch a lot of my friends' videos and cry. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: I watch blanks and I'm like, I love that boy Yeah, I feel like we've just got this team up there on the other side that they they're probably all just laughing at us, like Desiree: And having so much fun. They're like the we're we're great. We're great. And we're like, We're not great. Okay. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Like you don't get it. it's just a blip, Yeah, it's hard though. okay, so let's talk about what Blake was going through. did you have any indications that Something was going on I know in your case it was obviously very, very traumatic and sudden and and I wanna talk about what you're doing with Blake the stigma, which is awesome. I think it's so amazing that you're doing that. And I wanna also call out your community for doing so much to honor him. Cause I was talking to a mom the other day who her daughter died by suicide and she was saying that another person at the same school had passed and it was through an accident and the difference they did a whole bench to honor that person and didn't do something for hers because it was suicide and it's like why I don't know that that's a whole nother thing where yeah Desiree: A child is a child, why would it matter? Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah, exactly. it's a whole nother thing where I get it, people are curious and want to understand. but I when I've posted things, I can't tell you how many people will just interject, well, what happened? Was it drugs? Was it suicide? What like everyone wants to know? And some people are comfortable talking about what happened, some people aren't and And it's it's just interesting the way that people handle when Desiree: It is. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: someone young dies. And some people it really matters how they died. And I'm thinking, how does it matter? Well, I mean, what's the difference between if they died from cancer or if they died from suicide or if they died Desiree: Okay. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: in an accident? It hurts all the same. and so yeah, one thing. Yeah. Desiree: You're still a mother that lost her child at the end of the day, or anybody really, because I've learned over time that honestly just to kind of piggyback off what you were saying. so Blake did I notice anything? No. it's horrible. I guess that's the absolute most gut-wrenching part of losing Blake. I seen him the day before he passed away. Now I don't know if this is relevant, irrelevant. It's just a theory that I have. So he wasn't feeling good for about two weeks. like two weeks before he passed, I had to take him. He had strep throat, nothing big, but when he got sick, he got really sick. It I don't know why. And it was always like that his whole life. And when he passed, he was six foot four. So he would crawl around. I'm not kidding you. The kid would crawl around when he did not feel good. You knew he was really not lying when he was on his hands and knees. So he was like that sick, you know. So I took him and we went to the doctors. and he was 18 too. Blake was 18, which is funny. That whole doctor's trip kind of cracks me up now because I couldn't do I couldn't even talk to the insurance company because even though it was my insurance, they're like, We can't tell you anything because he's 18. And I'm like, But it's my insurance. What do you mean? Whatever. But it kind of cracked me up. And he insisted that I went with him, but he was like, I'm not going alone. And I'm like, they won't even talk to me about your insurance. You don't need me. Anyways. So they had gave him antibiotics for strep throat. So and then he had missed a couple of football practices and not outwardly, just nothing nothing stood out to me even to this day. Like only a thing or two will ring back into my head, but it would have never been anything that you would have pivoted off of. so that week, like the week before he passed away, the antibiotics for the strep throat can knock that out. And I feel like he had like some respiratory going on, whatever. So he had missed four days of school that week. So he passed on Friday. Now that Friday, and my kids are really big, they're babies. They're big babies. They'll always be my big babies. we gotta eat and sleep. If we don't eat and sleep, we get a little, you know what I mean? Like it's like, okay, gonna take a nap. It's like a grumpy two year old. So that was his first day back, like full day back to school in well over a week. So it was Friday night lights. So I'm gonna guess hungry, tired, trying to sneak in a nap, you know, before his football game. Him and his girlfriend was kind of batting back and forth that day. There was like some things at the pep rally. I don't know all the details wasn't there, irrelevant. They just wasn't he wasn't having a good day. The kid was not having a good day. And then he had Friday night lights that night. And I wanna say he dropped his girlfriend off. And when he dropped her off, he was like, know, are you still with my mom and then for football? Da-da-da-da-da. And she was like, Yeah, and I'm not sure why, but her mom ended up bringing her back to the house. And I feel like they had gotten into it and we didn't realize until after he passed that that was also their two year anniversary, which is very sad. Like it just it's a very sad, I mean, sad day period across the board, but it made me even more sad for him because I myself am a two time survivor and the First time I was early teens. I was like thirteen. And it was over relationship. We're very, very like I said, we're gummy bears or sour patch kids. So we're very sour on the outside, sweet on the inside and raw. I feel like teen raw emotions is one of the hardest things to ever navigate. it really, really is. Cause there's nothing we can Do to fix them. It's just a really hard navigation and raw feelings feel so Like so intense and Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: It's so consuming. You feel like it's everything and yeah. Desiree: And nothing's it's just you're never gonna be okay again and it's awful. So, when you collab all of that together, I seriously had been in his shoes two times. And so him and his girlfriend had got into it after she had came back and he took her back home and then when he went home slid outside, he slid behind the camera. He didn't do it in house. I think he had had his mind made up why or how it even came. I just never expected that from him. I never, I never, he is the last. And I know every parent that's lost their kid to suicide, I know that they're like, I just never it it was the last thing I would ever have expected from Blake or any of my kids. I do remember laying in his bed. that night and I was listening to my ex's family talking and you know when this happens, everybody wants to look for someone to blame. And Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: I guess this is where me being a survivor comes and it just sucks because me being a survivor, I didn't realize that that's a mental health issue. I thought that everybody got sad and everybody had suicidal thoughts and that was normal and you fight through them and you keep it moving. So I never outwardly expressed myself. So for instance, because I felt like that and I never told my mom, I never got help. Who knew? Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Mm-hmm. Desiree: And then I now I have three kids, not even thinking about it. And it's mental health and here, Like that's something that can be passed down. And if I didn't know to tell my mom and she couldn't help me and I didn't realize that there was something going on, I had no way of knowing that my kids could have needed help. which is why I have like I'm glad that I have my foundation because I have found behavioral mental health. I'm supported highly. Our foundation is highly supported by mental health, but it was something that I had never directly thought about before. And laying in his room that night, I heard the blame, you know, this person, that person. you know, it's easy to blame somebody, but truthfully, at the end of the day, and this is something that the day that I got the call for him, I was driving there. I was an hour away. And I honestly, when when he passed away. I know that they say like a mother's intuition, you know, people might think that that's a joke. It's not because far before I got his death certificate, I knew I knew what time it happened. I sat up, I got up and I moved across my house. And by the time I had I grabbed my football bag because it was ready and I didn't even make it to my front door and my middle daughter called me like scream like a phone call that I'll never forget. It's it's etched into my soul. And it was a very long drive and I prayed. And I didn't pray for I didn't pray for the things that you think I would, you know, I wasn't like, make this not be true. because I already knew. I already knew in my heart it was true. I prayed for strength and understanding. Like, please, please make me understand why my baby's gone right now. Please give me the strength. Because you know. And you know, if you know, you know. And I don't even want to say the club nobody wants to be a part of because it's so cliche and it's just but it really is. And like I said, instead of praying for the unrealistic, I'm like, please, please give me the strength to make it through this because you know if you lose one of your babies, it it destroys you. It'll it will destroy your entire soul. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: It does. It really does. Desiree: It it really does. And honestly, I guess I kept faith in God. I kept my faith because he answered my prayers. And I don't know. I was so I had this inner peace. Not not in the middle of all the chaos. I was not I had zero inner peace. I was completely unsnapped at the seams. It was probably Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: the lowest in my life I've ever been. Like there was no keeping me together. I I was I was not happy with lots of people that were in my way and just things like that. But like I said, the aftermath when I was laying in his bed, it was just like a internal peace that I had and I knew that whether it was God or it was Blake or whoever had their hands on me, I needed it. So I listened to this, you know, banter and stuff out in the living room and the blame game and da-da-da-da-da. And I had to go out there and say, like. Okay, so when I was thir because I was with her dad from about twelve until I left when I was thirty-two. When I was thirteen years old, was the first time I attempted, and when I was thirty-two was the second time. The first time I was young, dominant love, and the second time I was leaving. And it felt easier to me to not be here than to feel the hurt, the raw emotion. That I know my kid felt. So I had to go out there with the truth. And I'm like, okay, so say I succeeded in my attempts. I said, Would you have blamed the kid's dad? And everybody, like it just got so silent and so somber in that room. And and then honesty came out too, because both of my daughters both openly said that they had thought about suicide. And like it and it broke my entire heart, like immediately because to think I'm looking at these beautiful kids that are like so smart and have so much going in life and I know that they're gonna be greatness has been so sad and walk that walk. And that's when I realized how important mental health and how important it is to advocate for mental health because you will never know somebody that's suffering from mental health unless they tell you. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Desiree: So it was a very, very sombering, very raw. It was a very raw conversation. And I think that it kind of opened people's eyes to how serious that was. But like I said, he never outwardly was depressed or he never said Anything that would have been concerning. the day Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Right. Desiree: before I had seen him and he was 18. So like he vaped or whatever and He seemed a little uneasy that day and He wasn't acting his normal, but it was nothing too crazy. Like he was in the bathroom on the phone with his girlfriend. And I'm like, hey, you know, you want to come to get Cracker Barrel with me and your sister? And he's like, no. And me and her went and ate, and we brought him food back. He ate it. But he was still kind of in his room lingering. And I'd bugged him again, like, hey, you want to come hang? Cause I would go hang out with the kids and he stayed with his dad. So I would like go hang out with him and just go over there and hang out. And when I was leaving, he came out, and this was the last time I seen him my son alive. he came out and I was standing outside talking to him and I smoked cigarettes. He vaped. And he was like, Let me hit your cigarette. And I handed it to him, but everything in my whole I was shaking my head, like, wait, what? Cause never. my kid had never smoked a cigarette before. And I'm like, I don't know, just That's very weird thing for me to have noticed. So, but then again, like I said, I'm like, he don't have his vape. He just wanted the nicotine. And I get in my car and I backed it up. And I roll my window down. I'm like, hey, buddy. And I was like, come here. And he came over to me and I was like, I gave him forty dollars and I'm like, here, you know, go get a vape, because I'm I don't want him smoking cigarettes. And he was like, that's too much money, mom. You gave me $40, I don't need that. And I'm like, just fill up your gas tank with the rest of it, you know what I mean? And he gave me a hug and he was like, I love you, mom. I'm like, I love you too, buddy. So that was our last conversation. So outwardly, no. I didn't see any direct signs now that I can look back and nitpick little tiny things. There was a few. but he definitely he wasn't screaming for you know, the tension and stuff like that. And I'm glad that I didn't hide it. I thought about it. And we were blessed because our community did support us 110%. However, they had counseling and stuff at his home high school. he was in a vocational. school and I won't mention it, but it was the vocational school and his home school, they, you know, they had fundraisers and stuff. they made us blankets with number sixty four. That was his football number. They, gave we got the diploma, he was recognized as senior night. Like all these beautiful things, just beautiful things. Like they hit you know what I mean? they left his senior picture up and all the things. Beautiful. But the vocational Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: That's Desiree: school, when I went to go pick his tools up, because his toolbox was like it had all snap on and stuff, which is very, very expensive tools. When I went there, it was the coldest place I had ever been. It was awful. It was the most uncomfortable. Nobody spoke to me. it was very hidden. There was other kids that went to that school and Basically, they did not bring counselors in. They told the kids that they were not allowed to speak about Blake. Like I and a lot of my kids' friends went to school with it. Like they'd grown up together. basically, they weren't allowed to speak about him. And what's very, very sad and very disheartening about that is I want to say maybe in the end of April, beginning of May. in twenty six. So Blake passed away in twenty-four. So you figure like in the spring of that year, one of the teachers had to send out one of the students because for a suicide watch and they pink slipped him and took him out of the school. So I was very disappointed in that. I was very disappointed in that school because his girlfriend had to go back to her home school because they refused to let counseling come in and help her. They were like, no. We will not open counseling cause the counselors that she was seeing would have came just came to the school and seen her during school hours. And they absolutely refused it. So she did go back to the home school and she graduated and she did go to college. I'm very proud of her because she too she went through it. You know what I mean? Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: yeah, yeah. I'm sure there's a lot that she has to work through in terms of feeling guilt and I think whenever something like that happens, even for me, like there's always these little they sneak in not as much now, but if I would have gone and checked sooner, if I would have done this or But all if you go down that road, it never leads anywhere good. And they're not worried about that where they Desiree: Right. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: are they're just like, No, enjoy your life, live. But Desiree: Right. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: yeah, I'm it you go through it for sure. Desiree: You too. And then so as far as our foundation, oddly enough, I didn't even start Blake the Stigma for Blake. this is a very humbling, it's a sad, very, very sad, but very humbling story. so our kids, so where my kids went to school, it's very, very small district and like Blake played football with smaller districts. So there was a lot of actually the districts supported us too. is you know, through whether it was Go Fund Me, whether it was at the football games. there was a couple of football games where like the team moms had made baskets for me and you know, just like tumblers that had his pictures and stuff. Just great. Just very sweet. And so I wanna say maybe in February of twenty five. So it was only a few months after bl it was before I had gone to even Utah and met you guys. These kids, it was like a leadership program of kids at a really small high school that was it's really close to where my kids went. the kids reached out to me, they're like, you know, can you come to the school and speak? we want to do it on suicide awareness. And me and my oldest daughter had no clue what we were you know what I mean? I'm like, what? I am not a public speaker. even I was nervous about the podcast, but it I'm doing all right. I was really nervous. I'm like, I don't know. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: You're doing so awesome. Same. Every time I'm nervous, but yeah. Desiree: Yeah. Yeah, it is. It's nerve wracking. so we went to this school and It was the most humbling experience we ever had to that point. So we went and we talked to these kids and kind of I I don't talk about how Blake passed away because really that doesn't define him. His amazingness defines him. How he passed away isn't really a definition. If people ask, I will tell them. Because there's no reason to hide it. And if it saves one person, it's worth sharing. But I'm not one of the ones that are like, you know, this is what happened. so we went to the school and, you know, just talked about our experiences and kind of like we're doing right now, about how great he was, how unexpected it was, just all the things. And at the end, like I wanna say three or four kids stayed behind, like the one. Little boy was like, you know, I lost my grandfather to suicide. And he just felt like he had never had anybody to talk to about it and that he struggled himself. and there was another little girl that had said that she had attempted. And mind you, we're in a high school and these kids are anywhere from ninth to twelfth grade. They're still babies. And like we want to save all the babies. and we hugged and cried and talked to him, and then a teacher came up to me. And this teacher came up to me and with anything, you know, there's different versions of mental health, and there's different like Blake, for instance, there was no signs. I was blindsided, I had no idea, I would have never expected it. Now her son had showed outward signs, you know, depression, and you know, they had been to doctors and counselors, and she was like, I just I don't know what to do. I'm so sad, you know. all the things and I talked to her and you know to help somebody that is going through the same situation but different it can get a little hairy sometimes because I'm like I don't have the answer. I don't have the answer because I don't know the answer. You know what I mean? But me and her talked and it was a good talk and we cried and hugged and I thought about her a lot after that. And I want to say that was around maybe May 26th or 27th, I can't remember exactly. And on June 10th, Blake's kindergarten teacher, who she was two of my kids' well, it was first grade teacher, two of my kids' teachers, she called me and she was like, Are you sitting down? And I'm like, What could you possibly tell me that I would need to sit down for? I've already, you know what I mean? I've already been through the ringer and I've been in the trenches. So and she Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: said, you know, Miss such and such. her 14 year old son, which he was in a district really close to us too. And he had committed suicide. And it was only like two weeks after me and her had talked about it. And that is the day that I started. So I started my foundation for someone else's baby. It wasn't even for my own. Not that he's not the focal point of my, my force, but he wasn't the driving force to me having it. It was, another kid even younger, he was in middle school. That is a baby baby. well, you know, it's a baby. So I'm like, something's gotta be done. it's strange. So suicide's like, you know, when you buy a new car and you've never seen that car before. And now you're driving, like this say Toyota Camry. And now you see Toyota Camries everywhere. When Blake passed away, that's what happened to me. I'm like It suicide, suicide, suicide. It was almost like I was a vessel. I turned into this vessel that was like, people are coming to me because they knew and I wasn't quiet about it. And, you know, I'm boisterous and they're hearing all about it. And then so I started like consuming other people's pain. And I found myself more worried about other people than even myself. So I started it that day. I want to say it was The 10th of June and by July 3rd, I had had my EIN and I started planning we have an awareness day every year. And I did it within two months. There was almost 250 people there, which was amazing and terrifying at the same time. a lot of that's when I realized that because when I started it, I had no idea what I was doing. I'm like, I don't even know. There was so much paperwork. My brain was smoking for two months straight. And to get completely legal for the event, it was a lot of red tape I had to cut through but I did because I had my 501 C3 two days before my event. So I was like 110% legal by the time Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Important. Desiree: I had it. But it was literally crunch time. And I even think the lady at the IRS was like put it kind of through fast because I called. I'm like, did it pass through? Like do I have it? 'Cause you Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Ha ha. Desiree: can run on it on the contingency. once you submit it, you can run off the five one. But I wanted it to be like literally official. So I did a lot of work. It was definitely a labor of love and I spent a lot of money on last year's event. But that's when I realized that mental health, behavioral health, even addiction, a lot of people that are addicted to drugs too, they tend you know what I mean? It's like not necessarily suicide, but it's like an unintentional, you know what I mean? So I found a lot of resources and help through even recovery and support through them. So it was definitely a learning curve last year. It felt like a wedding. everybody has the questions for you and you're like, I don't have the answers. But it turned out amazing and we've grown. A lot so. When I started it, you have these big hopes and dreams, and we're gonna save the world and all of this. But it's like I said, it's more of a labor of love. Like I've spent a lot of my own money. I do get some sponsorships, and they've been two years, which is awesome. Cause usually once someone sponsors you, they'll sponsor you again. amazing. And this year I got a lot of like basket sponsorships. Like I'm talking the Steelers, the Cleveland. Guardians, the Cleveland Browns, like really huge companies. we've got over 50 basket donations and it's only what, like July. We're going in August. And So I worked really hard. It was a labor of love. But after our event last year, we did a giving tree and I ate dirt on that one. we adopted 21 kids. It was awesome. It felt really good. But as far as the foundation, we took a hit on that. I was like, that was not a good business move. But it's all trial and error. So I talked to Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: my husband and because speaking in schools and stuff was one of my main focuses. But I feel like once I have my stuff together, even this year, I'm trickling on to the end of the school year. we did decide because I told him instead of being a pop-up event and just like hearing about us and whatever, I was like, I need a foundation somewhere. I need somewhere to set a foundation to where I'm not just a pop-up. So I started a grief support group. And honestly, when I presented it to the Jaffata House, which is a recovery house, they have meetings and stuff for recovery, I presented it to her, like, hey, what do you think about this? It's something extra that you can add to what you're doing for the community. And then we also have some place to safely land. And she was like, that's great. That's wonderful. So we started our meeting was in January and we started them in February. And the hardest thing is to get people to actually go to them. Like here's the support group. And when I very started it, it was in my mind suicide. this is gonna be a grief support for suicide, people that had lost to suicide. And the very first one, I instantly had to pivot because there was people there that had lost their babies to SIDS or lost their grandmother to cancer or a car accident. And I'm like, Well, who am I to judge who's grieving? So, Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Mm. Desiree: like I said, your ideas, you'll pivot on it. I've pivoted a lot in my You know, like you want to save the world. And it's like, well, we gotta be realistic here. So it's actually Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Yeah. Desiree: amazing. We've had twelve has been our smallest, and twenty-three or twenty-four was our biggest, and we've had five of them now, I wanna say. Possibly six, six. Either way, I Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Mm. Desiree: always leave group and it's not like cause I didn't take any classes or anything like that. It's just it's not even a peer support group. It's like I built what I needed, if that makes sense. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah, Desiree: cause like you said and I've said we like to talk about them. And it's a healthy outlet. And I literally built what I needed. I need to talk about him. And these are the feelings I'm having. And does anybody else feel like this? And it's crazy to sit in a room with people that have lost and like too, my one friend Kelly, I love her. she's came to three of them now. And she lost her son Tyler. And it's been, I want to say nine years now, but there's something about the advice that you get from somebody that is down the road from where you know where you're sitting at. I'm sitting at just under two years And she's sitting at nine. So to get advice from somebody that's Trudged through this for nine years is so good for your soul. And it's usually really solid advice. And even to hear things from people that, you know, short any amount, it's just always different and it's healing. There's something healing about it because I remember when Blake passed away, like you have like this picture of your friend's circle, right? So I had Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Mm-hmm. Desiree: these friends that it's been around for 20 plus years and that I have bared my soul to and knew everything about me. And they didn't even show up in my son's funeral, or they did. And that was the last time I heard from them. And I found that God put in front of me who I needed. So ultimately my friend circle just completely did a 180. And it's anybody that was here pre twenty twenty four, they're lucky. You know what I'm saying? There's very few, maybe two. people and now Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Mm-hmm. Desiree: my friend group and my support all came from people that I've met since Blake's pass away or that's came to Blake the Stigma and I met them there or have suffered loss and it's not that I'm judgy against anyone else. You know what I mean? I'm not judgy and they didn't even do anything wrong, but there's just something in my soul that just I don't know what it is. I can't explain. I can't put my finger on it. It's just something that I can't I can't I'm sorry. I can't. Yeah. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: I get it. It's it's an energy, it's like a resonance you have because you share a pain and certain people match that and others just can't match it and that's okay. I think the right people are kind of divinely guided and maybe our kids know what our souls need and they're like, Here's your people you know. Desiree: Yeah. Well, even like and I that gave me goosebumps. I'm like, even I had a really rough day on Saturday. Sometimes, like on my group days, I don't know why I'll have maybe it's just because it's a Blake the Stigma day, but I'll have the roughest mornings. Like I was struggling on Saturday and I'm like, No, I'll be fine. This is exactly what I need. You know, this is why I have this. And it was the smallest group we had and it was all family. And then two of my friends that like are diehards, they've They're my OGs. They're always there. and I had a smile because it was just a family. We were kind of well, you know, we did a little bit of the group and then we were just cutting up. And my granddaughter Lacey, she was born June 5th, and she is named after Blake. And I know it's Lacey Blake. She's so beautiful, but she had a rough start. And she did not fill a void of Blakes, but she filled a piece of my heart and soul that I never knew that I needed. And I'm so grateful for her every day, like literally. like I said, it's not a Blake fill, but it's this extra something that you just didn't know you needed. So it was really nice. She came, it was her first group since she's gotten home and she was like, you know, the trophy of the day. And it was really Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: nice that it was just family. We went out to dinner and then we honestly we went out to Blake's grave and we sat out there for like three hours because we love being out there with him too. some people are like, that's weird. I'm like, I love it out here. The sun shines, there's no trees, I get a good tan. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry. So it's good for me to go out there and ground myself and I don't know. Like I said, we was out there for three hours. There's five or six of us out there. And it's just I love that. So I think that that's exactly what I needed Saturday versus all of the people gathering for the meeting. I think that they put exactly what I needed, which was my family that day, which was awesome. It was such a good day too. And that was the first time Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: Lacey had been out to her uncle's grave. so that like I said, it was ended up being a really special day. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: But yeah. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. there's so many things I'm thinking as you're talking, like How you wanted to know someone who was further down the road. and like that's imp was important to you that you talk to someone and I remember the same thing early on because you want to see what it's like, is it possible that you can experience joy? Like is this person experiencing joy in their life? How did they make it that far? Because when you're early in it, you're like, How do I survive this? and I mean, just being Desiree: Can I survive it? Like sometimes even getting out of Sometimes getting out of bed. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: You're like, I don't even want to get out of bed today. Like, can I even do this? Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: I know. Like how do you possibly go on with life? And Desiree: Yeah. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: if you know, if I didn't have other kids, I wonder if I would. Like that's just the real truth of it. and if you talk to someone, it's like, okay, they're doing it. okay, that gives me hope. go ahead. Desiree: Right. like a stepping stone to like, you know what I mean? To like even heal yourself a little more. because I'll catch myself backpedaling. I'll be doing really, really good. And sometimes Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: I feel like like my heart and maybe it's a defense mechanism. sometimes I don't know that as a mother we'll ever fully process the grief of our babies. Like I feel like an etch a sketch in the car sometimes because if I remember too much about that day, I'm like, Like I'm a little etch a sketch, just shaking off my screen because I can't even. So, like I said, I don't know if it's a defense mechanism or if it's the fact that truly it would probably physically kill us to not have our babies. It's almost it's a mental block. I try not to be like that. But then, like I said, just naturally, maybe it's just too much. And my body's like, no ma'am, like we can't. But it does make me feel better. Like I said, people that I've watched people struggle, not so gracefully too. Like, not that I'm like, I'm so graceful and woo. I you know what I mean. But Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: I've seen people like dragging their teeth in the dirt and turned to addiction or alcohol. And I know for sure if I drank, I would be a hundred times worse as far as diving into the black hole of sad woe is me. And after seeing people grieve really hard, it made it just like if you have parents that do drugs and stuff and you see that and you're like that's horrible and I that's not who I am. I found that through watching like my sister-in-law lost her 17 year old daughter a drunk driver hit her and it's 10 years she didn't even begin to even try to live her life until after Blake passed away and she didn't feel alone, which makes me sad as a mom that I didn't realize that Cause like now that I've gone through it, I'm like, how dare me not be there. For her more, but you don't know until you know. And you can't be that support unless you've been in it. to truly be a support. Like people can give their opinions and those are very easy, but you're going home and snuggling your baby. I can't, Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Mm-hmm. Desiree: you know, and I have to live with that every day. So I guess that kind of helped me. But like I said, my my most favorite are, like you said, the ones that are further along, and you're like, okay, you know, you've got these things going on in your life and they're building like, it's good for your soul to see it. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: It is. Yeah. Cause you'll always carry it and honestly, I want to carry the grief. the minute it disappears, it would feel like a loss. it's part of me now. Desiree: Brain. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: And that's the attachment you have to them. And so it's like, no, I just wanna keep it there. It's okay if it's there. And Desiree: Right. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: some days it takes over and it's like you were saying with the etch a sketch, you just wanna shake it up but Desiree: Yeah. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: but it's always gonna be there and so it's just learning how to work around it and with it and carry it and having the support is so helpful and like what you're doing I think where you're turning your pain into purpose by putting that energy you have that's from the grief and you're putting it into helping people and spreading awareness and talking about all these issues, that's so beautiful. I think that's so helpful. that's what I'm finding too. I was talking with another person how that's like the magic pill is helping other people somehow is one of the only things that makes you feel better inside. And so what you're Desiree: It truly is. And I honestly I enjoy it. I definitely like I'll notice because like I said, it's a labor of love. But I really I enjoy like the day of like the stigma last year, it was so humbling to see so many people, you know, because we did like a memory slide show and we did a lot of fun things cause I feel like people even like the ones that are years in, I think they sometimes forget To still celebrate them and they just get so used to the day to day. And sometimes I feel like personal growth gets stuck when you're grieving because you're just surviving the day and the day-to-day versus thriving. And Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: I found that Blake the Stigma has helped me thrive. I've got more connections. it's just well rounded me completely like I said when I started I had no clue what I was doing. I don't even know what that is and I'm filling out Secretary of the State papers and all this. But apparently it's great because they keep sending me these certificates and like it's great. my favorite is tabling. I love to table for Blake the Stigma because when I table, people are coming to hear his story. They're coming up to my table Not just for the free candy or, you know, the card or whatever, but like they're coming to hear his story. So that's one of my favorite things to do. And then that's one of my favorite things at the event, also, because it gives people the opportunity to get resources that you know I didn't know nothing about Nami or behavioral health or you know, I mean, I'm new of it, but you don't realize how many resources are out there unless they're kind of put And so that's ended up being one of my favorite focuses. Like the gift baskets and stuff are all cool and great. And like we love the support. And it's an easy way to get donations for the foundation. But at the end of the day, I leave it up to them. Like I'll send their sponsor, you know, here's here's our sponsorship request. But on it says in kind donation. Like you don't have to give me nothing to be part of this. And there was a couple of people that wasn't gonna table. And I'm like, no, wait a minute. if you just want to bring a basket to donate, please come and table. Bring your resource. I want your resources. I don't want your money. I don't because some businesses are small and they can't, they don't have that opportunity, but I want the resources. I want people to walk through here and leave with things that they need. Like, we've got the veteran suicide Coalition, they give me every year I get gun locks. I pass them out at everything when I'm tabling, if people are tabling at Blake the Stigma, we put the gun locks out. This year they've got like gun mats and stuff for them to clean. gun safety is really important. And I don't think people think really twice about it until something horrible happens and I love the resource tables. And I've got a girlfriend from work that's actually she does CPR and stuff. And she was like, do you mind if I set up CPR there? And I'm like, no, that's awesome. Because truthfully, if you think about it, if your job doesn't force you to take a CPR class, I mean, you're not gonna go, you know what I'm gonna do today? I'm gonna go get my CPR card. So I'm like, Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: That's really cool. And so what's so fun is piggybacking off of people that you meet and resources that they have. Because it started with that she wanted to do that. I'm like, that's amazing. I think that that's an amazing table to have there. And we pass out Narcan at one of them, Jaffita House passes out Narcan and stuff. But then so Rita with the CPR reached out and she was like, Have you ever heard of QPR? And I thought I had heard of it, but I'm like, no, not directly. It's not ringing a bell. And it's actually kind of CPR, but it's for suicide prevention. So it's question, persuade, refer. Did not Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Mm. Desiree: know about it and she ended up texting me. She was like, here, go to this link. And it was a free class that you can take and get certified in QPR, which will be helpful with everything that I'm doing for Blake. But I'm going to wait cause the events coming up on me quicker than I expect, but I'm gonna actually take the class so I can teach it. So that could be something else that it's in addition to my grief supports, I can actually have QPR to where I can certify people in it if they want it. or I can do it in the schools. I have proposals for the schools and jails. That's another place there's a lot of people that commit suicide because You will go to jail 90%. It's there's a reason why they're there. But also they are so low there. Their humanity's stripped from them. They don't know there's nowhere in that jail that anybody feels safe about talking about mental health. Not to the counselors, because they're all the police to them. And unfortunately, that's unsafe. And I think why it just continuously happens. And Who knows what's going on with them mentally? I feel like a lot of mental health gets swept under the rug, or they're like, we'll just lock them up. And instead of actually helping people that really need it, they're like, they're a criminal. Like to me, no, that's not fair because if they're really struggling and something's going on, it would be more resourceful to help them. So I and actually one of our judges is coming to speak at the stigma stigma because this year's a lot bigger. I'm proud of myself. she's coming to support and speak. And I have my proposal for her because, like I said, I'm nobody. I'm just an ear to listen and I have personal experience advice, but just have that safe space. I'm just a nobody versus counselors or, your PO or the judge or the jury so my hopes Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: for moving forward into twenty seven. I can't even believe it's gonna be twenty seven, but moving forward into that, I think that's where I'm gonna kind of gear some of our efforts too. And we're successful in our grief group and I'm Glad that I needed it and I built what I needed and I've gotten good results from it, which is amazing because it's hard to get people to come and talk about their grief. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: yeah, yeah. There's so much beauty in everything you just said. Cause I think you're being honest about well, you're saying you're nobody. that's not true at all. The fact that you well Desiree: Well I mean little me Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah, but to somebody you're everything, you know, t Desiree: Right. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: for the right person. And I think what you're doing to create the safe spaces and to talk about all this, that's what's important. And your honesty and transparency about being like, I don't know. I don't have answers. And the thing is, no one's ever gonna have answers because I don't think there's a blanket like, if we do this, we're gonna prevent suicide Cause it is different. yes, you have the one that didn't show any signs and you have the one that was depressed for years and tried everything and still it happened. Exactly. Exactly. And what Desiree: Same result at the end of the day. It was Yeah. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: helps one person might not help the other person. And so it is a case by case basis, which I think is why it's so important to talk about it. Cause if we're just getting it out there so that people understand it's different for different people. And overall just talking about it and raising awareness, period, and being a safe place that's helpful to everyone, just spreading kindness, helping other people Desiree: Right. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: like that generically can help. It's just getting the word out there, which is what you're doing, which is so amazing that you're doing. Desiree: Right. I love it. I do it's very it's humbling, it's rewarding. and so for me admitting that I'm a two-time survivor, that is like the most vulnerable thing, you know, because you never want to be like, I'm an idiot. But on the same Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: note, the one thing that Blake did for me. And honestly, if I could tell him today, one thing it the only thing I would tell him is that I'm glad I'm still here. And if I could have said that before he was gone, I'd in in in and say if it would have. Like that's the one thing because losing him to suicide, I have not had which I wasn't like I was raging around like constantly. That's like what you just said about mental health. It's not like I'm constantly in my own head. And I feel like that's kind of where Blake was. He wasn't always like, F this. This is horrible. Life is terrible. Cause it's not. I have a beautiful life. I've always had a beautiful life. But you never know what people's struggles are. a lot of people don't know that when I was 10 my dad left and never came back. Or when I was twenty seven, I found my twenty three year old Little brother had passed away. I found him. that's a huge hit. So even losing Blake, I felt that hit for my kids. And then on top of it, if you're unlocked and now, But with me being fully transparent, the one thing that I would tell him is that I'm glad that I'm here. Because from 13 to 45, I've lived a long life and I've had a lot. And I've gotten kicked in the gut more times than I'd like to admit. But I've also rose from the ashes more times than I would like to admit. And I still progress and I'm still, even through losing him, I'm still moving forward because the world doesn't stop when we lose them. You get a couple of weeks off of work, maybe a month or so if you got good PTO, but It doesn't stop spinning. nobody stops. Nobody's like, Allie, you know what I mean? Or does. And it just keeps moving. And you know, you can sit on the tracks, but eventually the train's coming and you gotta get ahead of it. So I'm grateful, I guess, that he definitely put a different look on life to me because I'm like, no, I do want to be here. It isn't that bad. And no matter what gets presented. And definitely after losing a child, I know that no matter what is put in front of me, I know I'm gonna make it through. Even though you don't want to believe it. we're gonna make it through this because you know, if you lose your house or, you don't have enough money to pay your bills and you feel so helpless. Life is a lot of vulnerability and you feel helpless a lot in life, but You always seem to make it through and like keeping my faith. That's been helpful. some people don't, follow or or aren't as faithful as others, which is totally fine too. But I found a lot in my faith and you have to believe in something bigger than yourself Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah, yeah, totally. on that note, do you feel like you get little gifts from Blake, like signs or things that let you know that he's still around? Desiree: hawks since the second it's hawks flying and then it's so cute because I know people are like, Okay, there's hawks everywhere, but a lot of people's butterflies and cardinals and stuff. But the day Blake passed away, there was three hawks there was things like throughout the years, and I'm talking like throughout the whole years, that like he told his sister Cheyenne, he had told her that he just wants to be a bird and fly. That was one of the things that he had said. And he had never said it to me. But the day he passed away, there's hawks. And I'm telling you, like if I'm feeling down and driving, nine times out of ten I can look up and there's a hawk. I watch yours and Rochelle's Podcast this morning. I cried watching that this morning too. I'm like, my friends, I miss my Utah people. but Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: like me and her when she was doing her like rubbing my little feet and telling me all the things about myself from the bottom of my feet. Also we looked Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: I know. Desiree: out and there was a hawk like circling out there the whole time me and her were in there talking. So it's usually when I'm feeling down and I'm just like, hey, buddy, I see you there. I wish it was more. I wish I could be like, I see signs all the time, maybe sometimes I'm not necessarily looking for them. I maybe haven't reached that point of spirituality. I guess just trying to keep myself together and keep it as real as possible has been more of my focus, but yes, the hawks, I love them. And so this kind of ties into that too. Whenever he went riding, he would exchange his feather. Like if he would find a hawk feather every time he went riding, and he went the Sunday before he passed away and he put a new hawk feather in his riding helmet, like stuck in the top of it. My husband's actually got it tattooed on his arm. so it always meant something to him too. I don't know why or what. I wish I did. I wish I could ask him now, like, so why? Why did you want to be Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: a bird? So like you were such a handsome man. But it it's sweet. So yeah, definitely. Or like the other night when we was at his grave. sometimes when I see deer, because I live in the city, like there should not be deer walking around. And They'll be in my front yard. Like I'll be leaving, I leave for work at two o'clock in the morning. And why there's a whole group of deer in my front yard, I'll never know. So when we was leaving on Saturday, the we were sitting there and we looked up and there was a mama deer and two little babies. Well, So, but like I said, my more so is the hawks. I like I said, if I'm having a rough day or or even not, if I see him, I'm like, there's my buddy. He's always got time for me. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: treat I remember when we were outside the heart circling and we were like, there's my baby Desiree: It is, it is. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah, that's so sweet. well, let me ask one final question I always ask at the end. since it's the aha podcast? What has been your biggest aha moment throughout this journey that you've been on? Desiree: I guess my biggest aha was when I actually started the foundation and it's successful. Like I guess it's more like kind of what you said is the more like helping people and I'm literally breaking the stigma. because there's people that judge. I've heard judgy stuff, but that I think is the best part of that. That would be my aha, is that it actually is something that people secretly need, and they're never gonna ask for it, but if it's presented to them. So I think that's my favorite part of our foundation, and that's my favorite part of honoring Blake. And that would definitely be my aha, is that. You know, I always wondered, I'm like, I got I could talk to anybody and I could talk about anything, but what's it good for? And finally, I guess being so boisterous and upright and very, very open book has actually paid off. And that would definitely have been my aha moment is that speaking up and actually trying to break the stigma and talk about like openly talk about what people need to talk about. It it's the most rewarding and it's the best aha that I could have pulled from this, I suppose. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah, yeah. thank you for doing it. You really do have so much strength and you are the perfect person for doing this. Desiree: Actually Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah, your personality is just right. I mean, people just gravitate towards you and you make people feel good and smile and laugh. And I could see so much when I've seen stuff with Blake, I'm like, Yep, yep, that's her boy. You must have that thing that makes people feel good and fun inside, you know? So Desiree: It is, it's good. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah, so thank you for doing it. and I'll put links to how people can get a hold of you. if people wanna support Blake the Stigma, they can reach out or if they just want someone to talk to about it. Desiree: We also have a website which my daughter works. It's so cute. It's the cutest website. It's www.blakethestigma.com. So it's pretty easy to remember, but it's gorgeous. I actually seen it on a actual desktop the other day and I'm like, we're fancy. Okay. Because usually I only see Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah. Desiree: it on my phone. And so we worked really hard, but there's links and stuff and suggestions. Like I'm working on what I have on my plate now because there's some things that I'm like, this is a great idea. And then it's like a gutter. And I'm like, okay, no, that wasn't it. But like I said, through trial and error, and I'm sure it'll take some time. foundations are tough, you know what I mean? To like actually keep them functioning and stuff. So I'll keep chipping away at it and finally, you know, eventually it'll have its complete complete purpose. We're still trying here and there, But as long as even if one person hears it or one person feels better or one person, you know, is here another day because of like the stigma and because of telling my whole truth, then it's totally worth it. Totally worth it. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Absolutely. And you're doing it. You're doing it. I know Desiree: Right. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: is proud. So Desiree: Very proud. He's probably like, my mother. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: I know. Both of our kids right now are like, What are they doing? Desiree: But aren't they so cute? I could just hear though, they're so cute though. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Yeah, I love it. I love it, love it. Well, thank you so much for doing this and taking your time. Desiree: Thank you for having me on here. Ali Andrus - AHA Podcast: Everything so so valuable. So thank you, Des. Yeah, Desiree: Thank you.