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Silent Rivals: Teammate Competition in Figure Skating · The Nadia Chapman Show

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  Hey everyone, welcome back to a brand new episode of the Nadia Chapman Show,
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  the figure skaters edition.
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  And today we're talking about something that I'm sure you would love to hear.
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  It's all about rivalry between teammates, the comparison, the competition,
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  even if it's very subtle.
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  And I want to talk about this today because a lot of people don't talk about it enough.
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  So if you are a skating parent or really a parent in any individual sport where
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  athletes train together but compete against each other, this episode is for you.
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  And of course, if you're a coach, if you're a skater, this episode is for you too, obviously.
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  There's a quiet tension that lives inside training environment.
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  And I'm sure that if you've been in this world long enough, you pick on that.
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  No one kind of labels it, but it's there.
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  It's the silent rivalry between teammates. So they can be all very friendly
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  with each other, but secretly they all keep track and all keep an eye on who's
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  the best and who's winning and who is doing better than the other one.
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  So this isn't about jealousy being bad. It's about understanding what happens
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  psychologically when friendship and competition occupy the same space.
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  And God knows that skating is that way.
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  Because if we don't guide this well, it can quietly shape identity and long-term
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  mental health. So this is what we're going to be talking about today.
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  And I'm sitting here thinking about how unique skating, you know,
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  is, and I should say skating culture is.
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  And honestly, this applies to gymnastics, dance, tennis, swimming,
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  any sport where athletes train together, but compete individually, like I said earlier.
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  So you lace your skates next to each other, you train together,
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  you talk about school, you talk about friends, you talk about skating,
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  you know each other's strength, you know each other's weaknesses,
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  and then you compete against each other.
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  And that's a complicated emotional environment for developing nervous system,
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  which, you know, we're talking about kids and teens here.
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  Children are wired for belongings. It's very important for them to fit in.
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  Belongings is, you know, it means equal safety, but competition introduced something new.
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  It introduces hierarchy and hierarchy introduces threat.
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  Ah, so now the brain is trying to solve two different needs at the same time.
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  I want to belong, but also I want to win.
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  And that tension doesn't always show up as drama.
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  Sometimes it will show up as comparison.
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  Sometimes it will show up as subtle withdrawal. And sometimes it shows up as
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  performing harder under a certain teammate.
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  And sometimes it shows up as performing
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  harder or maybe differently when a certain teammate is watching.
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  And sometimes it shows up as guilt for succeeding. That also happens.
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  And that's the part no one talks about.
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  So from a mindset and developmental psychology perspective, the teenage years
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  is when identity is forming.
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  So kids are asking, who am I, you know, constantly, even if they don't really say it out loud.
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  So in a competitive training group, identity can quietly become relational.
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  Oh, I'm the best one. I'm the artistic one and she's the jumper,
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  but I'm the one who chokes and she's the one who always delivers.
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  So see, these are labels and these labels start very small, but they get reinforced through results.
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  Coach feedback, parent conversations, even subtle body language.
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  And when identity becomes comparative instead of individual,
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  confidence becomes very fragile. Because now improvement doesn't mean growing.
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  It means disrupting the hierarchy.
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  And disrupting that hierarchy can feel socially risky.
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  That's why sometimes athletes will plateau when their teammates are improving.
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  They kind of freeze, you know, not because they're not capable,
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  but because their brain is navigating belonging and status at the same time.
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  And that's very sophisticated, you know, emotional work for a 12-year-old, if I can say.
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  So before we go deeper, I just want to take a second to let's normalize something.
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  Let's normalize jealousy.
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  All right. Jealousy is not the villain. Jealousy is not the character flaw.
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  And that's something I bring up a lot in my sessions.
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  Jealousy is information. It tells us what we value. If a skater,
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  let's say, feels a sting after her teammate lands a new jump,
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  that doesn't make her a mean girl. It means that she cares.
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  It means that she wants that growth. And the problem is not the emotion.
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  The problem is when there's no safe space to process it.
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  So if kids feel ashamed, let's say, for feeling competitive with friends,
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  with teammates, they push it down.
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  And push down emotions leak sideways, like I say.
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  So it leaks into gossips or maybe passive distance, maybe as subtle celebration
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  when somebody, you know, makes a mistake, maybe sometimes as internalized self-criticism.
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  But when we teach athletes that it's normal to feel both, to feel friendship and rivalry.
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  We give them emotional literacy. We give them language and that language reduce the shame they feel.
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  So parents play a big role here more than they realize. When parents compare,
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  even very subtly, it amplifies rivalry.
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  So, oh, did you see what she scored? Or she's moving up a level again.
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  Or she's training in the morning before school now. So all these little conversations,
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  even very subtle, even nurtured observations can
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  be internalized as hierarchy reinforcement and
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  if a child senses that their parents are tracking the positions you know and
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  the teammates the rivalry intensifies but when parents focus on personal metrics
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  effort progress skills acquisition emotional regulation and all that beautiful work.
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  Comparison, soften. Children need adults to widen the lens and to remind them
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  that someone else's success does not diminish theirs.
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  That is a beautiful way of seeing things and everybody should see it this way.
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  The healthiest environment allow both friendship and ambition to coexist.
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  So it's going to sound something like, oh, you know, you can love your teammate
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  and still want to beat them.
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  Or you can celebrate her and still want that jump for yourself.
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  Or maybe you can say something like, you can't compete like a beast and you
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  still can't be kind. You understand that?
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  And that dual T is maturity. And maturity requires modeling.
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  And parents need to model. Model good example, good behavior.
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  And coaches, you know, modeling neutrality and parents modeling security and
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  adults not fueling ring politics is a great thing.
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  When adults are secure, kids feel much safer.
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  They feel safer competing without emotional fallout. And when adults around
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  them are insecure, well, rivalry becomes personal.
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  And personal rivalry damages both the performance, but also the relationships with other skaters.
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  So driving athletes will always understand this, that their lane is their lane.
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  And that's something that you can talk with your skater about.
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  And athletes know that they measure progress against yesterday version of themselves,
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  not the skater in the locker room next to them, period.
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  You can celebrate others without shrinking yourself and you can compete without being cruel.
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  And you can lose without collapsing, you know, and feeling it's collapsing your identity.
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  And you can surely win without superiority, without feeling superior to everybody else.
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  So that mindset doesn't happen accidentally. It is taught by you,
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  coaches, parents, other skaters.
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  We need to have a better awareness of ring cultures and be kind to others.
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  It needs to be modeled. It needs to be reinforced.
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  And what it is, you see something very beautiful and powerful.
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  Healthy rivalry can elevate everyone.
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  An unhealthy rivalry isolates everyone.
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  It's not a good feeling. So if you are a skating parent or, you know,
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  a parent of any sport, any sport parent, and this resonate with you,
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  just take a breath for a second.
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  This is not about eliminating competition. Competition is beautiful.
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  It's useful. It sharpens athletes.
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  It builds resilience. But we have to guide it because children are not just
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  there training jumps and routines and doing skills. they're building their identity.
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  And that's a huge, huge, huge part of what I do as a mindset coach for figure skaters.
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  They're learning how to relate to their peers, how to handle,
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  you know, pressure, envy, but
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  also how to celebrate others, how to compete without losing themselves.
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  And that emotional skill set will matter far long than any medal,
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  and it's going to go far beyond the rink.
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  So maybe this week, instead of putting the pressure or comparing your skater
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  or your athlete to others,
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  ask how it felt to skate next to somebody they admire, or ask how it feels to
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  know that somebody at that rink lent the jump that they're also working on. You see the difference?
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  Ask what they learned from watching someone else succeed. Ask who they are becoming
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  in the process, because long after the scores fade, character will remain.
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  And before I go, I want to wrap it up with something. Healthy rivalry sharpens
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  athletes, but unhealthy rivalry shapes insecurities.
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  And the difference isn't the kids, it's the environment around them. All right?
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  So teach kids out there to compete strong, but never ever at the expense of
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  who they are becoming. And that's the real win.
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  These kids, they're building themselves, and that is sacred, all right?
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  Thank you so much for listening to The Nadia Chapman Show, The Figure Skater's Edition.
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  I look forward to meeting you in the next episode.