Latest / Magic Divorce Club Podcast / Ep 21: Christmas After Divorce - The Feelings No One Talks About

Transcript

Ep 21: Christmas After Divorce - The Feelings No One Talks About · Magic Divorce Club Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Magic Divorce Club podcast.
• 0:05
  This is your space to successfully navigate your divorce with
• 0:10
  confidence and create
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: a roadmap to the life of your dreams.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host Hannah Harvey,
• 0:16
  I'm the author of How to Divorce Sober and I have helped
• 0:20
  thousands of women to
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: process the trauma of divorce and step into an exciting future.
• 0:27
  Please like and subscribe because this really helps my little
• 0:31
  podcast to grow and
• 0:33
  if you would like more from me you can subscribe at
• 0:36
  magicdivorceclub.substack.com
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: for a host of other support tools.
• 0:46
  hello and welcome to the magic divorce club podcast it's me
• 0:52
  hannah and today i
• 0:54
  wanted to just talk a little bit about christmas um and i guess
• 1:02
  you know offer a
• 1:03
  little bit of support if you feel um it's helpful you can just
• 1:10
  see how you go with
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: this but i yeah christmas
• 1:16
  such a lot and um I feel like there's this a little bit of
• 1:28
  pressure to be like oh
• 1:29
  yay Christmas we're all gonna have a lovely time and um there
• 1:37
  is loads of beautiful
• 1:38
  things I think about Christmas and loads of things to be
• 1:40
  grateful for um but it's
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: also okay to be like
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: oh my God, can I keep going?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, can I actually keep going to the finish line?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, Christmas doesn't necessarily feel joyful for everyone.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you're going through big transitions,
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: which all of you guys are,
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: if you're listening to a podcast about divorce,
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: it's okay if you're like,
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: hmm,
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel full of the joys of Christmas and the Christmas spirit.
• 2:20
  But I bet there's also moments in this run up to Christmas
• 2:23
  where you're like,
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: that's been really beautiful,
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: actually.
• 2:27
  And moments of calm and moments of beautiful connection with
• 2:31
  your kids and your
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: family and all that kind of stuff.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: But in this episode,
• 2:37
  I really want to honour those people who are perhaps going
• 2:40
  through their very first
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Christmas not as a whole family unit.
• 2:50
  Because,
• 2:51
  yeah,
• 2:52
  I personally found that first Christmas was quite bittersweet.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like,
• 3:00
  I certainly wasn't wanting to be back with my ex as such
• 3:05
  because it was highly
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: conflict-y at the time.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: But I also didn't not want to be,
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: if that makes sense,
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: because obviously the whole family structure is changing.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: My littlest one was only just, was she even two?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think she'd just turned two.
• 3:28
  And it's just all that magic and my son was still believing and
• 3:32
  all of that kind of stuff.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: But then the other side of me was like, I am fucking knackered.
• 3:40
  And so handing over was heartbreaking and a huge relief all at
• 3:47
  the same time.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was super ready for rest.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I'd planned out a lovely day with a friend of mine.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: So she was going to come over with her boyfriend.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: She's a vegan.
• 3:58
  So I'd gone and got like vegan food and non-alcoholic champagne
• 4:03
  and just loads of
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: nice,
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: easy things so that I could come home and rest,
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  but still be with friends because I was getting my kids back
• 4:14
  the very next morning.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: And then we were going to travel to my parents and see them.
• 4:20
  So yeah just to not give you permission because of course you
• 4:25
  know you have
• 4:25
  permission but if you are feeling a little bit of guilt around
• 4:28
  not feeling super
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: joyful or excited about everything you know that's okay.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Mixed emotions are very okay at this time of year.
• 4:41
  So yeah I guess my intention for this episode is to hold space
• 4:47
  for that bit of you that's like
• 4:51
  what I feel right now um so you know it's important to shine a
• 4:59
  light on why
• 4:59
  Christmas might be so triggering for people and it doesn't
• 5:03
  really matter what kind
• 5:05
  of transition you're going through it might be the loss of a
• 5:08
  loved one it might be
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  SPEAKER_00: the breakdown of your family like that's what we're going through um
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Other big transitions that you're just trying to get your head around.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: This season can really amplify all of those feelings of like grief,
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  SPEAKER_00: loneliness,
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  the overwhelm of trying to work out what it is you're meant to
• 5:29
  be doing next.
• 5:32
  And obviously there's that huge cultural pressure that we're
• 5:35
  going to be happy and
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: we're going to sit around and have a lovely time.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: And for many people,
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: like if you've ever seen the episode,
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: the Christmas episode of the bear,
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  SPEAKER_00: that was so triggering.
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  SPEAKER_00: Me and Dan watched that together and we were like,
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: oh my God,
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: we had to sit and watch something happy afterwards because it was just...
• 5:58
  so much like just these family dynamics of everybody coming
• 6:02
  together and then
• 6:03
  falling out it's like yeah there's this pressure that we're
• 6:07
  going to be happy with
• 6:08
  the reality is pressure just doesn't you know that pressure
• 6:13
  cooker analogy is like
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: it's a lot inside that when you take the lid off it can kind of go psst
• 6:21
  So yeah and we can kind of sugarcoat our own memories of what
• 6:29
  the perfect family
• 6:30
  Christmas looked like and then of course as people who are now
• 6:36
  co-parenting there
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: are moments when you're
• 6:40
  in the past it would have been busy and full and you had a big
• 6:44
  full house and mess
• 6:46
  everywhere and the times when your kids are with their other
• 6:50
  parent you're like now
• 6:53
  what now what do i do like it goes from all like all is like
• 6:58
  beyond our capacity to
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: hold it all anyway to literally nothing
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  And how do we hold ourselves in those moments where the stark
• 7:09
  reality is just so extreme?
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  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, you might have expectations from other family members.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: If this is your first Christmas without,
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: the whole unified family,
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  there might be things that your own family is still trying to
• 7:30
  get their head around
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: that you're trying to explain to them.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that can feel a lot and hard.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah,
• 7:39
  I give yourself permission to not over explain the situation
• 7:43
  and just try and be
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: with them quietly.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you feel like you've been left behind.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps your partner's moved on already.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: That had happened to me as well.
• 7:55
  On the one hand,
• 7:56
  it gave me some breathing space because I wasn't being...
• 8:04
  messaged all the time it kind of directed his focus elsewhere
• 8:08
  but on the other hand
• 8:09
  it was like wow I am so replaceable that does not make me feel
• 8:14
  good so that feeling
• 8:16
  of being left behind or forgotten can really come up and then
• 8:21
  the other thing
• 8:22
  around it all is that your body is going through massive trauma
• 8:27
  your body your
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: brain
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  SPEAKER_00: Going through transitions like divorce is traumatizing.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: So your nervous system is already really quite full processing that.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then you add on all of the things.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my God, how many times have I had to be in school this week?
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  SPEAKER_00: You know,
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: remembering which shoes they need to wear,
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: when they need to bring in the party outfits,
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  when they're meant to have some kind of Christmas accoutrement
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  for their head.
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  SPEAKER_00: Like all of that added up is just a recipe for overload.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then we can go into just basic shutdown.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're feeling,
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: if any of these things are like hitting home,
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: resonating,
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: just know that like nothing is wrong with you.
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  You are going through a huge transition and all of the stuff
• 9:19
  you're feeling isn't failure.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's literally your body trying to protect you because it's grief,
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: it's trauma,
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  SPEAKER_00: it's big transition.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that takes a lot of time for our body,
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  SPEAKER_00: our minds,
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  SPEAKER_00: our hearts,
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: our spirits,
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  our souls to catch up and to reintegrate all of the parts of us
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  that just feel
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: scattered in a million directions.
• 9:44
  So I've got a few ideas of what not to do to help you during
• 9:48
  this process.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I would say, you know, we're amazingly good.
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  SPEAKER_00: I don't know whether it's a British thing,
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: if it's a woman thing,
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: but we're amazingly good at minimising our own feelings.
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  So I've been reminded of that this week because a few weeks ago
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  my granddad died
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  SPEAKER_00: and I felt myself almost feeling numb about
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: All sorts of things,
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  SPEAKER_00: like feeling the grief bubbling up,
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: but then being like,
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't there as much as my cousins,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: they lived near him,
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  SPEAKER_00: whereas when I was a kid,
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: I moved away.
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  SPEAKER_00: And always being like, oh, I'm not allowed to have this grief.
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  SPEAKER_00: Even though I loved him, I spent time with him.
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  SPEAKER_00: We used to go on holiday together all the time.
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  Not all the time,
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  but like we would go on like beautiful holidays together.
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  SPEAKER_00: I used to absolutely love visiting them.
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  SPEAKER_00: You know,
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  SPEAKER_00: especially at Christmas,
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  they used to have these like old school lanterns that they put
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  up around Christmas.
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  the bush around the house and like as soon as I saw those I was
• 11:05
  like now it's
• 11:06
  Christmas and yeah I loved him but for a little minute there I
• 11:11
  was like not
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  allowing myself to feel those feelings and just minimizing it
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  and being like you
• 11:18
  don't deserve to feel sad you need to just get on with
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  everything and it's like no
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  SPEAKER_00: no I do not so and
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  And the beautiful thing about that is I am able to witness
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  again what our brains
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  SPEAKER_00: are able to do.
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  So I can almost guarantee that your brain is doing this to you
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  too and being like,
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: you don't deserve to feel what you feel.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't a big deal.
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  SPEAKER_00: You're making too much of this.
• 11:48
  uh just get on with it stop making such a fuss all of that kind
• 11:51
  of stuff so you
• 11:54
  know over the next sort of week i would love to encourage you
• 11:58
  to notice um where
• 12:02
  this might be coming up and so certain things that we often do
• 12:06
  to minimize is stuff
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: like over committing and
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: yeah, of course I'm going to make a thousand brownies for Friday.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: One second, somebody's at my door.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm back.
• 12:24
  So yeah,
• 12:25
  over committing to things and not giving yourself a second to
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  say,
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: oh,
• 12:32
  perhaps I don't have capacity to do all of that stuff because I
• 12:38
  am going through a
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: huge transition.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: And often it's a symbol of like,
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: oh,
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to try and prove to everybody else that I am enough.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not replaceable.
• 12:51
  All of the things that are coming up in your relationship or
• 12:55
  the breakdown of your relationships
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: That kind of comes out in us going, yeah, I'll do all the things.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Over-functioning is a similar vein of,
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: instead of just trying to be mum,
• 13:14
  maybe you're trying to be mum and dad and maybe a few other
• 13:18
  people as well,
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: just to throw in the mix.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: A big one that I did was numbing.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't drink,
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: but I definitely numbed with bagels,
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: chocolate,
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: pizza,
• 13:37
  anything really like stodgy and carby was like my go to with
• 13:41
  loads of butter on
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: top.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'd, you know, numb out and watch lots of TV.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: I have no problem now.
• 13:49
  watching lots of TV like that is my happy space going into a
• 13:54
  lovely series like at
• 13:56
  the moment I'm re-watching The Crown so that's been since my
• 14:00
  granddad died I've
• 14:02
  re-gone back in and watching this but it's from a place of not
• 14:09
  numbing but resting
• 14:12
  so I'm not sitting there inhaling pizza and bagels and then
• 14:15
  going back to the
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: kitchen and then coming back and watching and not really taking it in
• 14:19
  I'm actively going I'm going to sit here for an hour and watch
• 14:23
  an episode and I'm
• 14:24
  not going to be on my phone I'm going to have a nice hot herbal
• 14:29
  tea that is
• 14:30
  nourishing and making little Hannah who is sad just feel hell
• 14:34
  for a little while
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: under a blanket.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah,
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: numbing and,
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: drinking loads of booze,
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: pretending,
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: basically using substances like food,
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: alcohol,
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: drugs,
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: whatever,
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: as a way to not feel your feelings.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Forcing yourself to be cheerful, especially for other people.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's so good at this.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: I am amazed at how the brain can stop you feeling certain things.
• 15:06
  It's like taking a paracetamol and just numbing the senses
• 15:10
  completely so you don't
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: even realise you're doing it.
• 15:14
  and then so you're kind of left being like I don't even know
• 15:18
  what I feel anymore so
• 15:19
  I'll just be cheerful because that's what I'm meant to do we're
• 15:23
  very good at
• 15:23
  masking and pretending everything's fine because probably
• 15:26
  you've been doing it for
• 15:27
  years in your relationship so it is a bit of a natural go-to
• 15:34
  for our brains you
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: know the habitual part of us is like oh this is what we do at this time
• 15:41
  So unlearning some of this stuff so that you can actually feel
• 15:44
  and process is quite
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: a skill in itself.
• 15:49
  And it's one of the main things I'm really trying to do with
• 15:52
  the Magic Divorce Club
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: is helping you to feel these things.
• 15:58
  And then another thing that we can do when things feel heavy,
• 16:03
  when you're like,
• 16:04
  I don't
• 16:06
  want to feel this stuff and I don't want anybody to witness it
• 16:09
  is completely
• 16:10
  isolate yourself so not having anybody around you and just
• 16:15
  going into your hole so
• 16:18
  last week I was talking about wintering and hibernating and
• 16:22
  really looking after
• 16:23
  yourself but just to be clear that is not the same as
• 16:27
  disappearing off the face of
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: the earth
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: As tempting as that may be.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you can do it, but just give it a time frame.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't got my kids on Wednesday,
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: so on Wednesday I am going to go and hibernate and do my wintering.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's different to I'm going to disappear for the rest of the week and not
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: communicate with anyone.
• 16:53
  So the whole thing about whatever you are feeling over this
• 16:58
  Christmas period is...
• 17:02
  treat everything that comes up with the utmost compassion as if
• 17:08
  one of your kids
• 17:08
  had just walked in they're desperately sad you wouldn't shame
• 17:13
  them for feeling that
• 17:14
  would you you'd wrap them up and be like come here tell me
• 17:17
  what's happened that's
• 17:19
  how we treat ourselves and all the stuff that comes up in this
• 17:23
  period and there is
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: no shaming no blaming only love
• 17:30
  And so a few things that you can do that really do help during
• 17:33
  this period.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: My very favourite thing, lower the fucking bar.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: Lower it right down.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Just imagine that you're comparing yourself with me and go,
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: Hannah probably wouldn't have done that.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: So it's all right.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: Just lower it.
• 17:50
  I remember once a friend of mine had put something on Facebook
• 17:53
  about how kids had
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: stopped being able to use cutlery because of COVID.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, Jesus.
• 18:00
  I only,
• 18:01
  I pat myself on the back if they've eaten a vegetable,
• 18:04
  never mind using cutlery.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like we just have different standards at different times.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: You can tackle cutlery,
• 18:13
  that being the metaphorical term for whatever it is that you
• 18:16
  feel is a really
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: important thing.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: We can tackle that later.
• 18:21
  Right now,
• 18:22
  the bar needs to be on the floor so we can easily step over it.
• 18:30
  Another thing you can do is just create tiny little rituals
• 18:33
  that are just for you.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: So over this autumn period,
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: like autumn is all about the spirit of refinement,
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: looking back over the year,
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: looking what's working,
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: what can you tweak,
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: where needs improving.
• 18:47
  And one of the big things for me is I felt like I'm a yoga
• 18:51
  teacher and I don't do enough yoga.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: So
• 18:55
  And the other thing was,
• 18:57
  is I was waking up and drinking way too much coffee.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like my first port of call was like, where's the coffee machine?
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: So over the last month,
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: I've introduced a new ritual where I wake up,
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: I drink half a liter of water.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm already getting hydrated.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then I just do 15 minutes of very easy, gentle yoga.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'll have a herbal tea, hydrate a bit more.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'm allowed to have my first coffee.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: And even when I've got my kids, this is super doable.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: But what I've worked out is I'm doing very simple abs.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: So strengthening my lower belly in that place of like creative energy.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm doing about force and salutations.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: So one each side, left side, right side, left side, right side.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: that's it,
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: and then I'm drinking,
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: hydrating myself,
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: things that are important to me,
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: um,
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: and so I've worked out that,
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: like,
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: it's only four a day,
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: this is where my mouth is going to let me down,
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: but that's 24 in a week,
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: and then over a month,
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: that's,
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: like,
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: two,
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: four,
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: six,
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: eight,
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: like,
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: 96 or something,
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: um,
• 20:17
  sun salutations that I just wouldn't have done and I can feel
• 20:20
  stronger and when I'm
• 20:21
  teaching in the evening I can feel that my flexibility is
• 20:25
  massively improved and
• 20:28
  never mind any of that I now get to start my day feeling
• 20:34
  centred so I've got my
• 20:37
  kids their breakfast I go and have 15 minutes to myself so
• 20:41
  instead of feeling like
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: the day is just happening to me
• 20:45
  I feel like I've taken control and I'm much calmer when I'm
• 20:48
  then on this dreaded
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: school run that I really hate.
• 20:53
  So your little ritual might be you sit with a candle and a cup
• 20:57
  of tea and write out
• 21:00
  three things that you're grateful for this Christmas and just
• 21:04
  breathe into that.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: It might be that you sit and look out of the window with a cup of tea.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself permission.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: I remember I was on the radio once talking about happiness habits.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I talked about sitting and looking out the window and she was like,
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: who the hell's got time for that?
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like when you've got the dishes piled up and this, that and the other.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, what?
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: Make time.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: This is your health.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: This is your mental health.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: The thing that you need most to be able,
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: especially as a single mum,
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: to be able to then care for your children is
• 21:43
  If you can't give yourself 10 minutes to look out of the
• 21:46
  window,
• 21:46
  you're going to struggle.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: So giving yourself permission to just sit and look.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: Name the things around you.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's such a helpful tool if you're feeling triggered and scared.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's just to look out of the window and go, oh, there's a tree.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: There's a bird.
• 22:07
  Little things like that signify to your nervous system that
• 22:10
  actually in this moment
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: you are safe.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then it allows your body to settle.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: Staying connected to your breath.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's a very simple technique of just bringing your awareness back.
• 22:26
  When it's going off in a different direction and it's decided
• 22:29
  to catastrophize your
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: entire future,
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: bringing it back to your breath,
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: looking out the window,
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: naming a few things,
• 22:38
  just little tools and techniques because we are mammals at the
• 22:42
  end of the day that
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: have evolved over millions of years.
• 22:46
  So there are things in our brains,
• 22:48
  in our DNA that don't understand modern life.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: Reaching out to the people you love.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now, you're going to need some discernment around who these people are.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know who they are.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: They're not the dramas.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: We love them.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: But they're not the people who want to hear all the juicy gossip.
• 23:12
  They are the people who just want to be with you and hold you
• 23:17
  and maybe watch a movie.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want to tell them things,
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: they'll listen,
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: but they're not like feeding off that energy.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like these are your safe people.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: Reach out to them.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them what's going on.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: And just spend time together.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess like this year, Christmas is so different.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: Especially if it's your first Christmas.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: Even your second, your third.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's what for me, like my fifth.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: And there's still that element of like,
• 23:53
  oh it still feels different like it it does change like this
• 23:57
  year it's much more of
• 23:58
  a blended family Christmas but we don't have our kids at the
• 24:01
  same time so there's
• 24:02
  this weird overlap and it's okay just let it be different see
• 24:07
  how go with the flow
• 24:09
  see how you feel do not minimize your feelings either um yeah
• 24:15
  and I guess if we go
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: it's just different see what happens
• 24:24
  I'd say if you can have like a moment of acknowledgement
• 24:29
  whenever stuff comes up
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: and just kind of,
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: holding hands on heart,
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: taking a few deep breaths and then just saying to yourself,
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: this is hard and I'm allowed to feel it and see what comes up.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: You might want to write it out.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: You might want to just cry your heart out.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is, let it come up.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: And please know that you can message me.
• 24:56
  If you are feeling isolated,
• 24:59
  don't know who to turn to,
• 25:00
  just drop me a message and I will reply.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe not on Christmas Day, but I will do my best.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: So... I guess that's all I've really got to say about the subject.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: If you... Well, there's a few things coming up.
• 25:21
  If you would like to feel held going into Christmas,
• 25:25
  we have on the 22nd is Magic Monday.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're a Magic Circle member, you can come along to that.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's every Monday at 10 a.m.
• 25:35
  And it's just a beautiful space to feel held and let your
• 25:39
  nervous system put the shopping down.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like put all the bags down, put all the worrying down.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're safe to just be.
• 25:47
  And I will fill you up with all the magic I have,
• 25:50
  all the compassion,
• 25:52
  the love,
• 25:52
  the kindness.
• 25:53
  And then from that space,
• 25:55
  we connect to what we want,
• 25:59
  what we really want.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: Rather than what we don't want, we call in what we do want.
• 26:05
  um so that's on monday on the 24th i'm doing a special podcast
• 26:11
  which will be a
• 26:12
  ceremony to help you settle so you know if any point over
• 26:16
  christmas boxing day
• 26:18
  you're not with your kids and you're spiraling come and find
• 26:22
  that podcast it's
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: going out on the 24th
• 26:26
  um and then on the 30th we have the monthly workshop which is
• 26:33
  so the magic divorce
• 26:34
  club workshop this is free for lux members so you can upgrade
• 26:39
  your membership if
• 26:39
  you would like to come along to that and this is all about
• 26:45
  processing our year so
• 26:50
  2025 was a huge year you will have gone through so much so many
• 26:55
  transitions and it
• 26:57
  was also a snake year a wood snake year so wood is like action
• 27:03
  action action snake
• 27:04
  is like shedding your skin while you're still alive I don't
• 27:08
  know about you but I've
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: certainly felt
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: deeply uncomfortable during this process at times.
• 27:15
  But the marvelous thing is that the other side of it is huge
• 27:19
  growth,
• 27:20
  huge transition.
• 27:22
  And then we get to get ready for what is going to be a fire
• 27:26
  horse year next year,
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: which lots of people are freaking out about because obviously fire is,
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: it can be manic,
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: it can be crazy.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: But as long as we keep ourselves grounded,
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: which if you're in the Magic Divorce Club,
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: you're going to be doing that anyway,
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: the fire gets to be creative and playful and fun.
• 27:46
  And which of you guys do not need that next year after the year
• 27:49
  you've just had?
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like...
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we're calling in.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then horse is like freedom.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's vitality.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's swift movement.
• 28:02
  So you kind of want to be pointing in the right direction if
• 28:05
  you're moving at speed.
• 28:07
  So that's basically what we're going to do over the workshop on
• 28:10
  the 30th of December.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I would love you to come and join us for that.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: So it will be closure for the year, a huge transformation that we've had.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then preparing the space for what direction do you want to go at?
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: At speed, like what is it that you want?
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: Let's really call that in.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to be beautiful.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd love you to join us for that.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: But as I say, we have Christmas to get through first.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here, message me.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: You can message me on Instagram.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: Leave me a voice note, whatever it is that you need.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that's at HannahHarveyUK.com.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, you've got this, girls.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: I know you have.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: But big love.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: Do not minimize your feelings.
• 28:58
  And just feel into all the beautiful magic moments that there
• 29:02
  are to have in this time as well.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: Leave the dishes in the sink and look out the window.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: Love you, girls.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for listening.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: And if you could subscribe and leave a review, that would be amazing.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_00: For all of your tips and tools,
• 29:26
  head over to magicdivorceclub.substack.com and you can find
• 29:34
  everything that you
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: need there.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: You've got this and I've got you.