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S4E10 - Why Is My Youngest Child Always Acting Out? - When a Child Uses Bad Behavior and Negative Attention to Find Their Place · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I
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  answer real parenting questions about behavior,
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  emotions,
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  and the parent-child relationship.
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  In today's episode,
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  I'm answering a question from Alyssa,
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  and this is about
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  once you understand the why behind the behavior in your children,
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  How to adjust accordingly.
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  Once you understand what's going on,
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  then how do you make changes from a parenting perspective.
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  So Alyssa,
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  I'm really grateful for this question.
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  Really quickly before I dive in.
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  Some of you are aware,
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  some of you are not.
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  I recently wrote a book called Parent Companion for Play Therapy.
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  So if you are considering putting your child in play therapy and
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  or your children are already working with a child-centered play therapist,
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  I really encourage you to go on Amazon and
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  get the Parent Companion for Play Therapy book.
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  Talk to your therapist about it,
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  make sure they're aware of it.
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  It is a step by step guide so that you are aware of what's going on therapeutically
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  as your child goes through CCPT with their therapist.
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  And so,
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  you know,
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  bring it into your meetings with them and chat about things that you've read.
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  I think it will equip you and really make a big difference in
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  your knowledge of what's going on as they go through the process.
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  So,
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  Amazon has it,
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  Parent Companion for Play Therapy.
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  I wanted to make y'all aware,
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  some of you I know have already bought it and read it and all of that.
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  So,
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  and some of your therapists have probably told you about it,
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  but I wanted you to hear it from me as well.
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  We recently released a Kindle version,
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  so if you are an e-reader,
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  You will have that available
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  and we're working on an audio version.
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  It's not ready yet,
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  but you can get the Kindle and the printed version on Amazon.
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  Just wanted to make sure you knew about that.
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  OK,
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  so let's read parts of this email and then we'll dive in together.
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  I wanted to ask you about managing behaviors like shouting,
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  name-calling to siblings,
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  and throwing things.
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  You refer to this as masking when feeling vulnerable,
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  and it was a light bulb moment for me.
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  There you go,
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  Alyssa.
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  I'm glad.
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  My youngest is 6.
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  He has two older brothers,
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  9 and 11.
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  They fight but also play.
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  The problem is trying to get my 6-year-old to join
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  the homeschooling routine we already have with my older two.
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  He did a half day kinder program last year,
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  and this year he'll be joining me and my older two who attend a hybrid
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  homeschool program.
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  I teach 3 days a week.
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  They attend school part-time on Tuesdays,
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  Thursdays.
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  The problem is he won't let me teach him.
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  He sabotages the entire time we have to teach and learn.
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  He throws pencils,
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  intentionally spells things like his name incorrectly,
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  refuses to do school,
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  walks away,
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  throws himself on the floor,
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  you name it.
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  I've tried doing school with him in a separate room
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  versus at a table altogether in case he feels.
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  A certain way with his brothers around,
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  but the result is the same.
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  He did not behave this way in the classroom last year,
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  but his teacher said he would let out his breath and take longer
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  than he needed on purpose.
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  His anger runs our home on a daily basis,
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  but it's worse around tasks like schooling,
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  and he is slowly but surely causing me to
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  dread what I once loved homeschooling my boys.
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  Please give me any advice that you have.
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  I dread starting school.
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  I tense up at the mention of it,
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  and nothing I say or do is getting through to him.
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  OK,
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  so this is a really helpful question,
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  Alyssa.
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  Thank you for it.
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  Let's start with
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  Yes,
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  absolutely.
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  When he's shouting,
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  name-calling,
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  and throwing things,
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  he's masking when he feels vulnerable.
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  OK,
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  very clear that that is often tied together.
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  The other side of this is it's a power and control grab.
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  So,
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  one of the things that we know is that to avoid vulnerability,
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  we will also try to be angry and aggressive
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  because that makes us feel powerful.
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  So,
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  let's talk about
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  11 and 9 year old.
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  If they're following birth order rules,
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  which I know sometimes there are role reversals,
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  but
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  I'm going to make an assumption here,
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  which is dangerous,
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  but
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  just roll with it.
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  I think your 11 year old is probably
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  traditional firstborn
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  and is people pleasing and perfectionistic and excels
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  academically and does everything that he's supposed to do
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  and toes the line and doesn't make any waves and is just like the good kid.
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  I suspect your nine year old is the polar opposite of your 11-year-old.
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  As a middle child,
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  probably a peacemaker,
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  probably a very social kid,
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  probably has interests outside of the home with friends
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  or with activities and sports and things like that.
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  OK,
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  so
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  if we follow first and middle child characteristics down the birth order line,
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  Your six year old is now left going,
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  well,
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  who the heck am I?
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  I can't be the academic
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  perfect kid like the 11 year old.
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  I can't be the social butterfly peacemaker like the nine-year-old.
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  So roles have been claimed
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  and now six-year-old is like,
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  well,
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  I don't know who I am,
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  so I'm just going to try some of this different stuff on.
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  So I suspect he really does not know who he is.
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  I think he's struggling with self-concept,
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  with identity.
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  And
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  being the youngest,
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  he's in an inferior position
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  because the 9 and 11 year old are faster,
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  smarter,
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  bigger,
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  stronger,
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  more capable,
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  whatever.
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  So you name it,
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  being the baby
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  puts him in a position where he feels less than.
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  So he's overcompensating.
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  He's trying to keep up with boys that he can't keep up with,
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  and their roles have been solidified,
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  and he's like,
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  well,
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  who am I supposed to be then?
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  And unless he finds a very clear role,
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  so he could be the musician,
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  he could be the athlete,
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  he could be the comedian,
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  he could be the.
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  Artistic one,
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  fill in the blank until he figures out who he is,
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  he's going to be scrambling to try to
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  throw something at the wall and hope it sticks.
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  And right now,
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  I suspect that the only thing that has stuck is the troublemaker.
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  Now,
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  he is not a troublemaker.
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  I'm air quoting when I say that because
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  we don't label kids negatively.
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  But right now,
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  he doesn't really know who he is and the only thing that he's latched onto is
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  I throw pencils and I yell and I won't do things that I'm supposed to do
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  because he gets attention for it.
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  See,
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  the 11 year old probably gets attention because he's the perfect kid.
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  Again,
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  I'm air quoting.
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  The middle child gets attention because he's
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  so easygoing and he's the peacemaker and
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  everyone loves him,
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  so he gets attention for that.
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  What does the six year old get attention for right now?
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  Disrupting things.
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  Causing friction and waves.
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  So even negative attention is attention.
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  So that's how I'm unpacking what's going on again.
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  There's a lot of assumptions there because I don't know exactly what's going on.
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  I'm reading an email,
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  but
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  that's my gut.
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  So,
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  he has never had to homeschool with his two older brothers before.
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  Well,
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  now
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  he's like,
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  I don't want to do this.
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  Like you've got the perfect one and the,
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  like everyone likes him one,
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  and here I am.
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  No,
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  I'm not gonna do this.
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  Again,
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  he is feeling vulnerable,
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  but it's power and control and it's lack of identity.
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  So
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  there are all kinds of factors to consider here,
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  Alyssa.
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  And
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  when you say he won't let
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  you teach him and he sabotages the entire time,
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  it's a power and control grab.
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  Why he didn't do it at school last year because
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  the teacher is a totally different relationship.
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  It is a dual relationship
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  when you are a parent and an educator.
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  Homeschooling puts you in a dual role.
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  And so there are liberties that will be taken
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  with
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  a parent that would not be taken with a teacher,
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  and that's the nature of being a homeschool family.
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  We're one,
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  so I completely understand that.
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  And yes,
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  I think it's important to do it in a separate room
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  versus altogether because
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  what an 11-year-old,
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  and I'm going to assume again here,
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  11-year-old,
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  probably 5th grade,
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  9-year-old,
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  3rd grade,
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  6-year-old,
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  1st grade,
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  OK,
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  so
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  they're on totally different
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  age levels,
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  developmental levels,
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  learning levels,
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  capacity levels,
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  and
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  that is going to be difficult
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  to try to do that all together.
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  An 11 year old is much more capable of doing things on his own
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  than a 6-year-old that's going to need a
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  lot more oversight and support and encouragement.
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  So trying to do that all at one table,
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  I think it's setting everyone up for failure.
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  So I think absolutely
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  there needs to be a priority of giving the 6 year old his own space.
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  You give him more individualized attention.
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  Etc.
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  etc.
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  Now,
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  when you say his anger runs our home.
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  He
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  is trying to
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  get his needs met.
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  He's trying to get attention,
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  and he's trying to have power and control.
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  So he's going to need a lot of empowerment choices.
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  He's going to need a lot of reflection of feeling,
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  and he's going to need a lot of boundaries.
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  But it's also a matter of
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  we become students of our children.
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  We learn
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  what our children need.
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  Every kid is different.
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  So what worked with your 11 and or 9 year
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  old is probably not going to work with your 6-year-old,
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  and it is our job as parents to become students of our children.
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  What are their personalities?
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  What are their likes and dislikes?
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  What are their strengths?
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  What are their areas of growth?
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  What are things that they absolutely hate?
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  What are things that they absolutely love?
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  And we work with that knowledge.
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  So maybe he's a kinesthetic learner,
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  maybe he is not a visual learner.
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  So sitting down and reading stuff
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  is
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  awful to him.
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  Your 11 year old probably loves to sit down and read stuff.
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  Your 6-year-old probably wants to get outside and dig in
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  the dirt and find a worm for a science lesson
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  rather than look at a paper of a worm and color it in.
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  We're always homeschooling allows us to be creative.
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  So,
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  hey,
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  you know what?
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  We're going to do science outside today.
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  We're going to go on a nature walk and we're going
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  to collect specimens and we're going to talk about them.
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  We're going to go on a field trip to the
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  warship
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  for our history lesson today.
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  You may have to be very out of the box
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  with your
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  6 year old because he might not follow the standard mold
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  that your 11 and 9-year-olds did
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  or do.
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  We become students of our children and when a child is very clearly saying,
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  I'm not
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  thriving here,
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  we either need to help the child learn to operate within boundaries,
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  but more likely we need to make our own adjustments
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  and figure out what is going to work from our end because we're
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  trying to set us up for success as well as our kids.
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  So,
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  again,
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  empowerment choices.
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  Reflect feelings.
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  Help him to operate within very clear limits,
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  but we also can't expect him to be exactly like an 11 and a 9 year old because he can't.
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  Developmentally,
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  he's not there.
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  Think about a kindergarten classroom versus a 5th grade classroom
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  at a school.
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  What goes on in a kindergarten classroom is 180 degrees
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  opposite of what goes on in a 5th grade classroom.
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  And as a homeschool family,
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  you're trying to have a 5th grade and a kindergartner in the same table.
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  It's not going to be effective for anybody.
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  So very unique situation requires very unique solution.
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  And it's about getting creative,
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  I think,
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  Alyssa.
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  So,
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  thank you so much for the question.
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  I hope that that was helpful for all of you homeschooling families out there.
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  Keep it up.
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  It's one of the greatest things that we've ever done and
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  it's hard work,
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  but it's worth it.
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  So,
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  don't be discouraged.
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  Continue to solve problems and come up with creative ways to educate your families.
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  And for those of you that
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  have 3 children,
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  9,
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  11,
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  and 6.
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  These are the dynamics that we come to recognize in siblings
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  and in the birth order roles.
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  And so I hope that this was helpful and that it encourages you.
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  I love y'all.
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  Keep loving on your kids.
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  Reach out if you'd like to.
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  I'd love to hear from you,
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  brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
• 12:33
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 12:40
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.