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Don't be comfortable · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Friends is me, Doc David.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to H3G.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Your answers to life, relationships, and daily living.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: Hello, hello.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's been a minute.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: No excuses.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: Just have not been on.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: Been busy with life.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, I wanted to come on and do a little episode about something we've talked about before.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's um it's this contrast between comfort and discomfort.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that um what I've been seeing a lot of, like there's a lot of stuff going on in the world, right?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: It seems like the world is falling apart.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's not actually, I just think we have more access to news um than we did probably at least 20 years ago.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: And so the world was, and I'm air quoting here, falling apart even back then.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: We just weren't as aware of it as we are now.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: But with that being said, I think that um a lot of the decisions and things that we experience in life come down to this idea of comfort versus discomfort.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I think we as humans, and I include myself in this as a fellow human, I think humans generally tend to um value comfort more than discomfort.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll cite some examples in my own life.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um and and I think what I talk about with clients here every day is I talk about, hey, when a difficult thing comes your way, you generally you probably should try to experience the discomfort of it, because usually out of discomfort comes some kind of growth.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: And that's the the essence of what I want to be able to communicate today.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: If there's anything that you take away from this podcast today, it would be that um discomfort, generally speaking, creates growth of some kind.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so the the most easily identifiable way to um point this kind of idea out is physical therapy.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: I've never been to physical therapy, but I've had a lot of um clients that have been to physical therapy.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: And the one thing the one thing that's constant in um that people tell me about physical therapy that is that it's difficult, it's painful, um, it hurts.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: And this idea that if you don't go to physical therapy, you which you don't have to, and your body can kind of heal still, but it'll heal in a weaker way, right?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: So physical therapy is used as a way to re-strengthen the thing that was damaged or broken or what have you.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's generally the best, um, one of the best examples that I have of the reason why you should do things that are uncomfortable at times, um, because out of that discomfort generally comes growth.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: And and I'm not when I'm when I talk about this kind of discomfort comfort paradigm, I'm not at all saying don't enjoy comfort.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: What I am saying is that if you consistently choose comfort over discomfort, you are not gonna have as great of a life, in my opinion.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I can't cite research, but I uh everything that I'm citing is gonna be very anecdotal from my 23 years of working with people and relationships and things like that.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: So let me just cite some examples in my own life.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like I definitely love love comfort.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: Here's a couple of here's an example for sure.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: So about a year and a half ago, um I broke a tooth and my back molar, my back right molar broke.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: And it didn't, it wasn't painful, didn't didn't cause me any issues or anything.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought, eh, this is kind of how I often often am.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: I don't need to go get this taken care of, nothing's happening with it right now.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: But in the back of my mind, I knew there was gonna be a day of reckoning if I didn't get it uh taken care of.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: And so that day of reckoning happened um essentially last month, I think it was, and I was chewing on something.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: I had been avoiding that part of my tooth because um, you know, it was it was broken and I don't want to cause any more problems back there.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: But I bit into something, so it was Starburst actually, and I got back there and I bit down.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, and it hurt like crazy.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought, oh no, the day of reckoning is here, and I'm gonna have to go get this tooth figured out.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: So I I keep busy in life, like with clients, with work, and so I don't have time to set aside, like I I have time, but I don't want to make time to set aside to go get a tooth taken care of, so or looked at.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: So I went and looked at it, had a dentist look at it, and they said, Well, you can maybe get a filling or maybe do a root canal.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: They just it was they just didn't have certainty about it, and I was gonna be leaving out of the country, and so it's like, eh, it stopped hurting, and then it's fine, right?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: So I I that comfort hat showed up where it's like, ah, it's not a big deal.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's like it was the last year.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: So I went overseas, did my thing, came back, and then man, it hurt all of a sudden again.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so I went back into the dentist and they said, Yeah, I probably should get a root canal.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: And then I scheduled a root canal, and I'm just dreading it, and I'm not wanting to do it, and it's about it's gonna be happening.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: I've done a root canal before, and all of the things.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: And um, knowing that there's gonna be discomfort in this, I still could have just kind of uh not done it and because my tooth stopped hurting again, and I can drink cold water and they could blow cold air or blow air on it, and it wouldn't be impacted.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: So there was nothing exposed, there was no exposed root.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so I set up this root canal and I was dreading it.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: And it's to me, it's just a uh a perfect picture of knowing that there's gonna be discomfort.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: I delayed and delayed the the I avoided the discomfort.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so I went and I did the root canal, you know, they give you the shots and numbs it.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: And it's just to me, it's more of the thought of what's happening because it didn't actually hurt, it's just the thought, the grinding sound, and knowing that oh, my tooth is being torn in.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's like that is enough.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's horrible for me.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: So uh I go and get it done, and and then like a day later, it's like, oh great, man, no more pain.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: I can chew on that tooth now.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: Now it's the getting the cap, right?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's getting the crown.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: And as we speak right now, I do not have a crown on that tooth.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: I know I need to get one, I don't have any appointments scheduled for it because it's gonna be more discomfort, but I know it's something that needs to get done.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: And so I share this story just to let you know, I am not the person I don't enjoy discomfort like most people.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so I will avoid uncomfortable things if I can, like many people will.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I think we as Americans live, or wherever you're listening to this from, if you have a cell phone, if you have a Starbucks around the corner, um, if you have a streaming service, um, chances are you are you value comfort as well.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um another story about comfort versus discomfort.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: I have two nieces right now that are pregnant and they're about to give birth.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: And and we were talking, and I think I I couldn't imagine being pregnant because for me, the way that I think about it is like, oh man, I'm gonna have to give birth.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna be in all this pain, even if there's an epidural, I'm gonna be in all this pain in about a month, and I would be dreading it because I don't like discomfort.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but when I was talking to them about this, that didn't even enter into their mind.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: They're just excited, they don't care about the discomfort.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: They're excited to um bring this new baby into the world, which is understandable, right?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and my wife's been pregnant, and I've always had that in the back of my mind through all of the births of my children.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, how does a person uh do that?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: How do they know they're gonna be experiencing this painful thing, this difficult thing, but yet that's not even on their radar.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's the joy of having a baby is is more what's on their radar.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: And that's probably goes into me being because I because how I think I this is a whole nother podcast episode about selfishness versus being unselfish, right?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: So so I tell clients I'm a selfish person and I have to fight against that every day.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's not what we're here to talk about.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: Where I think comfort and discomfort really comes into play is in people's relationships, and it comes into play um and it can ruin families or it can bring families together, and it's it's usually in relationships.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: So, for example, you're in a really toxic, you come from a really toxic family, and you don't do any kind of healing because healing or making amends or reconciling would require discomfort.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so you would rather stay in a comfortable place and have a chip on your shoulder and have no relationships with your family than do a little bit of hard work to reach out and be forgiving or to reach out and apologize for something that you've done.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: I see people in my office every week that are having experiences like that, whether they're the person that did the hurting or whether they're the person that got hurt.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: They're both sides.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um another one is is divorce, right?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: So people get divorced and then they're just horrific to one another.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and then who suffers in that?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: Usually, if they're if there's kids, the kids suffer.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: But ultimately, kids would love for their parents, whether they're divorced or together, to be amicable to one another so they don't have so they don't have a miserable childhood.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: Which again, I have people coming in here every week talking about their miserable childhoods because their parents couldn't get along, and then a step parent got involved, and the step parent was a horrible person, et cetera, et cetera.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you know the story.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, maybe you've lived the story.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: Now, when I'm saying this about um being uncomfortable in relationships occasionally to create growth, I'm not talking about it's speaking generally, right?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe your situation doesn't apply.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: And it's a bummer that I have to say that because inevitably there's always that one person who will comment or say, Well, what about this?
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: I can't believe that you would expect me to reconcile with this type of person.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: Don't.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, ultimately it's up to you to determine um where you want your growth to take place.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm just saying that from my experience of working with people for again 23 years, that there's a lot of people that keep chips on their shoulder when if they could just get over their own kind of pridefulness, they could have really deep and meaningful relationships with families.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: People and family people aren't perfect, right?
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: So people, um, just this last week, someone was telling me about like a parent died, and then some hurtful things were said around the funeral and the time of death, and now they don't have a relationship with the sibling that said these things.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: And it's I I think about that, and I think I'm kind of sad for that person because, like, especially around death and dying, there's a lot of emotions that come up for people, and people do say mean things, uh, things that um a lot of thought don't go into, and they can be hurtful, but the intention behind it is not hurtful.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: And so to hold someone to something they said one time during a time of great grief to me is not reasonable.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: And wouldn't it be better to do the difficult thing, the uncomfortable thing of apologizing, making amends, um, forgiving, etc., etc., in order to have a more meaningful relationship with that family and to make fractured families whole.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: That that's the idea that I often introduce to my clients.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: But it's it's a difficult concept because it does require a lot of high emotional intelligence, and um, that's just something that's very hard for people.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: So, David, why are you bringing comfort versus discomfort up today?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: Well, partly it's uh or mostly I would say it's the amount of like toxicity I'm seeing um over the the current conflict you know happening in Israel and with Palestine.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's just an example of a larger um issue going on where people that are very comfortable in their lives can say whatever they want to say without consequence, and do whatever they want to do without consequence.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so if people that are comfortable um and if if people that are comfortable can do and say whatever they want to say, what a miserable society to live in.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: Because there's no consequences for for things that are said, and there's and and then people can just go back to their lattes and they can go back to their scrolling on TikTok and et cetera, et cetera.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I guess my encouragement to you that are listening to this, and then I'm rambling a little bit, would be where are you at in your life?
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: Do you value comfort or do you value discomfort?
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I'm not, and let's be clear, I'm not saying that being comfortable is wrong.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: What I'm challenging you to do is when an uncomfortable situation comes up to you, is that is for you to enter into that dis uncomfortable situation or that discomfort, right?
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: So here's an example.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: Let's say someone asks you to speak in front of a group.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I I could never speak in front of a group.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: That's horrific.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I would be so embarrassed, I'd be so nervous.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: Great.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: So you'd be nervous, so you'd be embarrassed.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: But if you did it, there's some growth that could come out of that.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: You may hate it, but at least you did it and could then have a different experience of what it's like to live in the world after having spoken at an event.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I know people that speak regularly and they sometimes hate it because of the nerves that come up before it.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: But they still do it partly because it's their job, but also because it's a challenge.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: So if we're not, if you don't understand the idea of comfort versus discomfort, maybe you could understand the idea of a challenge.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: If something comes to you and it's a challenge, you should work really hard to embrace that challenge.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so if that's you see some bad behavior at the workplace, someone being discriminated against, someone um being intolerant, call that out.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like I I've gotten to a place in my life where um I have started to not care what the consequences are about calling bad behavior out.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um I still care a little bit because you know I'm self-employed and and I have a family to feed, et cetera, et cetera.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: But I I'm I'm realizing I'm becoming more intolerable of intolerable behavior.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: And um, I think that's that's a challenge.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that's that's a growth area for me.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: I know I have a colleague who is just getting into this field, and um he does not want like he has all kinds of opinions about what mainstream therapists are doing in a variety of areas, but he is telling me I would never speak up about it because I want to have a job in the world.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought I used I used to be like that, and I thought I I understand that, but I'm also sad for him because then he can't be his true self, he he can't be who he um really is as a person, as a therapist, and so then he so in that aspect, he's seeking comfort, right?
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: What he's saying makes complete sense, and he has a family that he has to feed, but he's seeking out comfort, and so my challenge to him has been you know what?
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_01: I totally understand that, but I also think you should um take individual situations and rise to the occasion to be challenged yourself, like experience discomfort and standing up for things that you believe in.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: And that's happening everywhere in society today.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: People are being challenged to stand up for what they believe in, and um people don't rise to the occasion.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_01: Where I really see it is with like celebrities, right?
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: The there are these two celebrities, I think Ashton Kutcher, Kucher, I don't know how to say his name, and his wife uh wrote this letter in support of some guy that just got convicted of rape.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: And when he got convicted of rape, they immediately went um on an apology tour.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: And like, oh, we're sorry, we didn't know our people wrote these letters.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I just it's I just am more embarrassed for them that they don't have the um the guts or the internal determination to stand up for this letter that they wrote.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's and I think many people are like that.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: You see that often within the celebrity world.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: The celebrities often kind of go the route that they think is going to get them canceled the least.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um so as a person of like as lay people, as people that are just kind of the common man, people on the street, my encouragement to you with this podcast, and if you're still listening, I appreciate it.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_01: Um, is to choose the difficult thing um when it comes to choice comes to everyday life, when it comes to relationships with your partner, when it comes to relationship with your kids, um, choose the difficult thing.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: If that means um applying consequences to your kid, then apply consequences to your kid.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_01: If that means speaking honestly with your partner, then speak honestly with your partner about things that are bothering you.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times divorces happen because um couples are not willing to speak up honestly about difficulties they're having in their relationship, they're just willing to overlook it and then they seek outside relationships for comfort.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so again, we get back to this idea of comfort versus discomfort.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: All right, I'll stop rambling.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's good to talk to you again.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I can't promise I'm gonna do this weekly.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna even try to make that promise, do you?
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I appreciate you for listening.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_01: And if you have any questions, feel free to email at headshrinkinc um at gmail.com or go to my website doc David.net.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: Have a great day.