Latest / The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast / Almost Good Advice Part IV

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Almost Good Advice Part IV · The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast

0:00
Speaker 1: This is Almost Good Advice with Ben Higgins and Ashley Ayakonetti. Hey, team,
0:07
Speaker 1: huge week of the Almost Famous podcast. Yes, we had
0:10
Speaker 1: some episodes that are groundbreaking, record breaking, as some would say, massive,
0:15
Speaker 1: massive deal, and this is as big an episode as
0:19
Speaker 1: we've ever done. This is called almost good Advice.
0:22
Speaker 2: He's kidding, we are, so I'm not kidding.
0:26
Speaker 1: I think these are great episodes. They've gotten great responses
0:28
Speaker 1: from Emberdy listening. We've gotten some incredible questions being written
0:32
Speaker 1: into us. It's been so fun to connect with so
0:34
Speaker 1: many of you and kind of hear where life is
0:36
Speaker 1: at and what your struggles are at.
0:37
Speaker 2: I actually feel Ashley, I'll say this. I was thinking
0:40
Speaker 2: about this to day. I feel like Almost Good Advice
0:43
Speaker 2: is keeping me younger.
0:45
Speaker 3: H Ben, That's so sweet. That's it, because you are
0:48
Speaker 3: really good at it, and but why is it? But
0:51
Speaker 3: why is it keeping you younger? If anything, you would
0:53
Speaker 3: make me feel older because you are good at it,
0:55
Speaker 3: so like you're whys and have situations under your belt.
0:59
Speaker 1: Because I'm hearing what people are like struggling with in
1:02
Speaker 1: today's age, and I don't always know, and so I
1:05
Speaker 1: feel like some of the issues in modern times are
1:08
Speaker 1: things that now I'm in tune with, in touch with,
1:10
Speaker 1: and I feel like I'm only going to get younger
1:12
Speaker 1: and more in touch.
1:13
Speaker 2: I feel like if we do almost good advice.
1:14
Speaker 1: For another twenty years thirty years, when I'm a grandpa,
1:18
Speaker 1: they're going to be like, wow, Grandpa, you're so cool.
1:21
Speaker 1: You know about the future and you know about we know,
1:25
Speaker 1: modern times. I'd be like, yes, I do, kids.
1:28
Speaker 3: Yeah. No, I'm also very grateful that we're not dealing
1:32
Speaker 3: with these issues that these people are dealing with too,
1:34
Speaker 3: with relationships and well, like this first one about wedding party,
1:41
Speaker 3: there's a couple of really juicy people asking us for advice.
1:44
Speaker 3: This there's a few really juicy questions.
1:49
Speaker 2: Now, I mean shure, they're a little juicy people.
1:53
Speaker 1: You know.
1:55
Speaker 2: You know what when I say juicy people, what I
1:57
Speaker 2: think of.
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Speaker 3: Like juicy kutour because that's what I think of.
2:00
Speaker 2: No of you pee and your pants the other day
2:02
Speaker 2: on the Okay.
2:02
Speaker 3: Yeah, so you guys make sure to listen to that.
2:04
Speaker 3: It was a funny moment.
2:05
Speaker 2: All right.
2:06
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm gonna read this question to you like we
2:07
Speaker 1: usually do. You're an answer first, and I'll follow up.
2:10
Speaker 1: Usually I agree with you and maybe I have a
2:12
Speaker 1: thing or two to add. But it's really fun to
2:13
Speaker 1: hear your take first, because I do feel like you
2:15
Speaker 1: come We come from two different perspectives but also the
2:19
Speaker 1: same mentality.
2:20
Speaker 2: So here's the first question. So I'm anonymous, this has
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Speaker 2: got to be juicy.
2:24
Speaker 1: Anonymous asks, My question is, how would you handle telling
2:27
Speaker 1: a friend they won't be in your wedding party. For context,
2:30
Speaker 1: I'm in my late thirties and newly engaged in want
2:33
Speaker 1: a small and spent bridal party with my closest friends.
2:36
Speaker 1: I'm a long distance friend that I used to be
2:38
Speaker 1: very close with. However, over the past year or two,
2:41
Speaker 1: I feel like our friendship has really distanced. We really speak,
2:45
Speaker 1: and when we do, it's surface level. However, she still
2:48
Speaker 1: considers me one of her closest friends, although we are
2:51
Speaker 1: both at fault of not putting energy into our friendship.
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Speaker 1: I simply feel like we've begun to outgrow the friendship
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Speaker 1: in a lot of ways. I would like her to
3:01
Speaker 1: be at my bachelorette party, along with other girls who
3:04
Speaker 1: will also not be in the bridal party. How would
3:07
Speaker 1: I go about handling that with her? Is she owed
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Speaker 1: a conversation she'll definitely assume she is in the bridal party,
3:13
Speaker 1: and I imagine being very hurt she finds out she's not.
3:17
Speaker 1: I hate confrontation, but not sure if it's best to
3:20
Speaker 1: address this for actively. I know this should be one
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Speaker 1: of the happiest times of my life, but I feel
3:26
Speaker 1: an embarrassing amount of anxiety over this situation, and I
3:29
Speaker 1: don't want anybody to be here.
3:32
Speaker 3: Okay, so my first reaction is, you just don't have
3:36
Speaker 3: to tell her. I assume that if you're not asked
3:39
Speaker 3: to be a bridesmaid, that you're just not a bridesmaid,
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Speaker 3: do you know what I mean? I don't know that
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Speaker 3: people have conversations about not being asked to be bridesmaids.
3:50
Speaker 3: And then I think it's totally normal to have the
3:54
Speaker 3: bachelor party be a bigger deal or have more people
3:57
Speaker 3: at your bachelorette party than are your bridal party. Pretty standard.
4:03
Speaker 3: And then I also think that if you just if
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Speaker 3: you're truly this anxious over it and you don't want
4:12
Speaker 3: to hurt her, well, then the other option, in my opinion,
4:16
Speaker 3: is just to suck it up and have her being
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Speaker 3: your bride a party, because then you could just take
4:22
Speaker 3: that weight off your shoulders, But really, I just don't
4:25
Speaker 3: think that you owe her a conversation if she wants
4:29
Speaker 3: to bring it up. Once she realizes she's not, of
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Speaker 3: course you can have the conversation. It's not going to
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Speaker 3: be fun and then you're gonna feel like your friendship's
4:37
Speaker 3: even more strained. But you can't exactly help if she's
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Speaker 3: the one who brings it up. I'm sorry if my
4:43
Speaker 3: answer is avoidant, but that's probably how I would handle it.
4:47
Speaker 1: Well.
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Speaker 2: I think it's very fair. Actually, I think I would
4:52
Speaker 2: strongly disagree with you.
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Speaker 3: I felt like you did. I felt like you would.
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Speaker 1: Two things here that you said. I think one thing
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Speaker 1: I I very much agree with you on is if
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Speaker 1: there is one person who you know will be hurt
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Speaker 1: from not being in your bridal party and you are
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Speaker 1: thinking about it and it's bringing on anxiety, then I
5:11
Speaker 1: do think one of the options is just to add
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Speaker 1: her to your bridal party.
5:15
Speaker 2: Unless you're trying to make.
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Speaker 3: A statement, it's not gonna yeah, it's not going to
5:18
Speaker 3: ruin your day to just add her. You're not going
5:20
Speaker 3: to look at her and be like, oh, why is
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Speaker 3: she walking down the aisle.
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Speaker 1: That is definitely the easiest way to make sure this
5:27
Speaker 1: works or that there is no pain. I will say also,
5:31
Speaker 1: actually from being married myself, one of the hardest things
5:33
Speaker 1: about a marriage or getting married your wedding day.
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Speaker 2: Is this moment.
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Speaker 1: It is really the only time in your life, if
5:39
Speaker 1: you think about it, that you're really telling your friends
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Speaker 1: distance or distant or not. You're ranking that you want
5:46
Speaker 1: them by you, that you're that closer.
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Speaker 2: Not right.
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Speaker 1: It's a really sad, hard thing. It's really hard to do.
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Speaker 1: I had a big.
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Speaker 3: Hit of like twelve groomsman, and then you had like
5:55
Speaker 3: ushers that you counted as like the other group.
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Speaker 2: You're the second.
6:01
Speaker 1: Definitely, And some of those guys would be standing up
6:02
Speaker 1: with me today, all right, like some of those friendships
6:05
Speaker 1: I knew would be continuing. And so I had a
6:07
Speaker 1: big group and there are still people left out. It hurts,
6:10
Speaker 1: it's not fun. I didn't like it. And honestly, there
6:12
Speaker 1: was a moment where I talked to Jess and I
6:14
Speaker 1: was like, let's not have anybody standing up with this,
6:16
Speaker 1: because we either have them all or we have none
6:18
Speaker 1: of them. Like telling my friends who I love and
6:21
Speaker 1: who I care about, who've been good to me, that
6:24
Speaker 1: they're not in that inner circle is not fun.
6:28
Speaker 2: Okay, so that's it. We get it.
6:29
Speaker 1: Like, I understand where you're feeling. I do think you
6:32
Speaker 1: owe her a conversation. And the reason is is because
6:35
Speaker 1: this is the happiest day of your life and it
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Speaker 1: is the day that you are getting celebrated, is the
6:41
Speaker 1: day that the attention is going to be on you,
6:43
Speaker 1: and it's also the day that now your friends are
6:45
Speaker 1: really going to know where they stand. And I think
6:47
Speaker 1: the best answer here, honestly is to have her in
6:50
Speaker 1: your brider party. If she is one person that you're like,
6:53
Speaker 1: I just really feel like she's going to be hurt,
6:55
Speaker 1: have her up there like that you there's no reason
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Speaker 1: for your happiest day, it'll cause somebody else pain, Like
7:01
Speaker 1: that's not fine. But if you're not going to, then
7:05
Speaker 1: I do think a phone call to simply walk her
7:07
Speaker 1: through where your mind is at. I think I do
7:10
Speaker 1: think that will help her probably just feel like she's
7:13
Speaker 1: in the know. It will probably leave a lot of
7:15
Speaker 1: questions left answered instead of unanswered, and I personally, in
7:19
Speaker 1: my life feel a lot more pain when questions are
7:24
Speaker 1: unanswered and not answered. When there's confrontation at some level.
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Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be vicious. It doesn't have to
7:30
Speaker 1: be mean. They can be full of love, like I
7:32
Speaker 1: love you so much. We have grown a part as friends,
7:35
Speaker 1: and I've grown closer to some other people, and as
7:37
Speaker 1: a result, I want those people standing up next to
7:40
Speaker 1: me because we're having a limited amount of people standing
7:42
Speaker 1: up next to us. But I want you to know
7:44
Speaker 1: that I love you and I want us to get
7:46
Speaker 1: closer together. This doesn't mean this has to be the
7:48
Speaker 1: end of our friendship. It can mean it's a new beginning.
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Speaker 1: But we have grown apart. But I do feel like
7:54
Speaker 1: if I was in a situation where I wasn't invited
7:56
Speaker 1: to one of my best friends or somebody I believe
7:57
Speaker 1: it was one of my best friends to stand up
8:00
Speaker 1: next to them, I would want them just to call
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Speaker 1: me and tell me, so that in my mind I
8:05
Speaker 1: wasn't thinking, my goodness, do they hate me? Now? Did
8:08
Speaker 1: I do something to hurt them? Why did I cause
8:11
Speaker 1: so much pain in their life? And now they don't
8:12
Speaker 1: even want me around? I would I'd have those questions answers,
8:15
Speaker 1: so I'd say you my opinion, Ashley has hers and
8:18
Speaker 1: I have mine.
8:19
Speaker 2: But my opinion is confront it.
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Speaker 1: Talk about it doing the most lovingly possible or freaking
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Speaker 1: have her on your wedding, Like, honestly, that's my best
8:29
Speaker 1: answer is get her to stand next to you.
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Speaker 3: I think we should probably just like meet in the
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Speaker 3: middle here and you and I tell her it might
8:37
Speaker 3: be the best to just have her in the wedding
8:39
Speaker 3: unless I get if you're talking intimate, like you're having
8:42
Speaker 3: two or three girls up there, that is a little different.
8:45
Speaker 3: But if you're having five, then just throw her in there.
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Speaker 2: One hundred percent. That's honestly, like, that's my answer.
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Speaker 1: Now, if somebody wrote us in at some point, Ashley
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Speaker 1: and said, hey, I have four girls that are going
8:55
Speaker 1: to be hurt, then I would say a whole different conversation,
8:58
Speaker 1: a whole different situation.
8:59
Speaker 2: Yeah, handle this differently.
9:00
Speaker 1: But if it's one person, this is anonymous, Miss anonymous,
9:05
Speaker 1: I guess up to this point, if it's one person
9:08
Speaker 1: having your weddy, Sarah asks, when I, thirty year old
9:21
Speaker 1: feeble say our bathroom or our house, et cetera, My husband,
9:25
Speaker 1: thirty year old male, always has to point out that
9:28
Speaker 1: it's his house, et cetera.
9:30
Speaker 3: Nope, do forth him continue.
9:33
Speaker 1: Long down, ash He'll stop me and say my house.
9:38
Speaker 1: And when I get upset. He goes, it's my house,
9:41
Speaker 1: but since I'm yours, you get to live in it.
9:44
Speaker 3: And that's disgusting.
9:47
Speaker 1: Let me finish, okay, makes me feel so shitty when
9:51
Speaker 1: he does that. He sort of does it in a
9:53
Speaker 1: joking way, but it happens without fail almost every time,
9:56
Speaker 1: and I've tried to tell him it's hurtful, and he
9:59
Speaker 1: just laughs and as he's kidding for contact. He buy
10:02
Speaker 1: a house last year, right before we got married. I
10:04
Speaker 1: was part of the entire process since we already lived together,
10:07
Speaker 1: but he put his savings into the down payment and
10:10
Speaker 1: it was his name on everything. For obvious reasons, I
10:13
Speaker 1: had recently spent the last of my savings to payoff
10:15
Speaker 1: student loans and was only doing freelance remote work, so
10:19
Speaker 1: I wasn't really bringing in much money and was trying
10:22
Speaker 1: to focus on my mental health. He has a really
10:25
Speaker 1: good paying job and always said he was happy to
10:28
Speaker 1: support me. I've even talked about getting a job in
10:31
Speaker 1: my field again if that would make him happy, and
10:33
Speaker 1: he assured me that I don't need to. But now
10:38
Speaker 1: it just feels like, because his money is what buys
10:40
Speaker 1: mostly everything, that I'm some smooch just living off of it.
10:44
Speaker 1: Mind you, I'm pregnant with our first kid, do very soon.
10:48
Speaker 1: This was all disgusted extensively that I was to be
10:50
Speaker 1: a som stay at home mother. So why does he
10:54
Speaker 1: feel the need to hurt me like that? Does he
10:56
Speaker 1: secretly wish I was working and bringing home more money?
10:58
Speaker 1: Does he think I'm pathetic? It makes me feel like
11:01
Speaker 1: I'm anfin roommate. He hasn't paid rent and he's doing
11:04
Speaker 1: me a favor. And another thing that confuses me is
11:09
Speaker 1: if my parents' relatives ever want to give us anything
11:12
Speaker 1: like a wedding or baby shart gift, he gets annoyed
11:14
Speaker 1: because he wants to be the one to buy that
11:17
Speaker 1: stuff for us and doesn't want to rely on their people. Goodness, gracious, Sarah,
11:24
Speaker 1: this is actually like a moment to I feel like,
11:26
Speaker 1: take a step back and understand that this is a
11:29
Speaker 1: lot more serious than what this question even probably relays.
11:33
Speaker 1: I think, Sarah, if we were with you right now,
11:35
Speaker 1: like you were looking for somebody to hear you and
11:39
Speaker 1: to understand that like you're hurting, and I read this,
11:43
Speaker 1: and Sarah, I understand why you're hurting. So if you're
11:45
Speaker 1: listening to this podcast, just just know if you're really
11:48
Speaker 1: mad and you're feeling about an inch tall, and your
11:51
Speaker 1: confidences shot and you're kind of walking on eggshells and
11:55
Speaker 1: you're confused at like why your partner is talking down
11:59
Speaker 1: to you in this manner and why he's treating you this,
12:02
Speaker 1: Like I would understand why you're feeling it.
12:05
Speaker 2: I get it, Sarah.
12:06
Speaker 1: I read your question and the advice like there really
12:10
Speaker 1: wasn't a question for advice here. It feels like more
12:12
Speaker 1: of like a somebody getting something off their chest. I
12:16
Speaker 1: think I my advice to you would honestly be.
12:24
Speaker 2: To put your foot down, like.
12:28
Speaker 1: To stand up and tell him this isn't okay, and
12:31
Speaker 1: whatever he's wanting, whatever he's asking, whyever he feels like
12:37
Speaker 1: he can hold this over you in a powerful way
12:40
Speaker 1: is something that he needs to stop. Because one, I've
12:44
Speaker 1: never met a couple who has one part of the
12:48
Speaker 1: partnership holding anything over the other or treating them as
12:54
Speaker 1: a less than or completely you know, using their power.
13:00
Speaker 1: That's worked, that's been healthy, that both partners have felt
13:03
Speaker 1: like they had the ability to thrive and survive and
13:05
Speaker 1: be the best versions of themselves.
13:07
Speaker 2: And so if you want this marriage to work, I
13:10
Speaker 2: will say you need to put your foot down. Now.
13:12
Speaker 1: You got to be the bigger person. You've got to
13:14
Speaker 1: confront this head on and say no, this isn't okay.
13:16
Speaker 1: This language needs to stop because you're hurting me. And
13:19
Speaker 1: if he doesn't respond well to that, then obviously he's
13:21
Speaker 1: okay with hurting you. And he's not really listening to
13:23
Speaker 1: the needs and desires that you have in life, and
13:25
Speaker 1: he really doesn't want to see you be an equal
13:28
Speaker 1: partner in this relationship. And I think then you go
13:30
Speaker 1: into a whole different set of conversations. You're having a baby,
13:33
Speaker 1: you know, you're carrying the child. You have the power
13:37
Speaker 1: you're doing. Yeah, you have the power like you you
13:40
Speaker 1: are the boss. That's my first thought. I think the
13:44
Speaker 1: second thing is there's probably some pain that he's feeling
13:47
Speaker 1: or some need to maybe be that for you, Like
13:50
Speaker 1: he probably thinks it's sexy in some way that he's
13:53
Speaker 1: the provider, whatever that means. Even though you know, I
13:57
Speaker 1: do think there's a role in life for both the
14:00
Speaker 1: man and the woman to provide for their partner. I
14:02
Speaker 1: don't think that it's ever been healthy throughout history where
14:05
Speaker 1: one person feels like they're the provider for the entire
14:08
Speaker 1: household that they are the one carrying the weight because
14:11
Speaker 1: quite frankly, you're going to be a stay at home mom,
14:14
Speaker 1: you're carrying a lot of weight. He might go off
14:16
Speaker 1: the work, he's carrying a lot of weight. You're coming
14:17
Speaker 1: back together at home. You're both doing this thing together
14:19
Speaker 1: no matter what. And it's been that way throughout history.
14:21
Speaker 1: We just have never said it, like we've always promoted
14:25
Speaker 1: work over stay at home moms, and that's just not true.
14:28
Speaker 1: And I think we're at a place in tile life
14:29
Speaker 1: now where we realize that the stay at home moms
14:31
Speaker 1: are doing as much, if not more work than anybody
14:35
Speaker 1: going oh to work or whatever job they're getting paid.
14:39
Speaker 1: But do you think you need to put your foot down?
14:41
Speaker 1: I think this needs to be a different kind of conversation.
14:43
Speaker 1: I think you need to humble him a bit with
14:45
Speaker 1: the language that he's using towards you. Not because you
14:49
Speaker 1: need to get your power back. That's not why I'm
14:52
Speaker 1: saying this. It's because if you want this marriage to
14:54
Speaker 1: be successful long term, there has to be an equal
14:57
Speaker 1: partnership in the household, which means equal language needs to
15:01
Speaker 1: be given, an equal opportunity needs to be given, and
15:03
Speaker 1: there is to be a balance and what is allowed,
15:06
Speaker 1: what's not allowed, what's said, what's not said, And so
15:08
Speaker 1: if you want this marriage to work, now's the time
15:11
Speaker 1: to tell him, hey, hey buddy, this isn't fine.
15:16
Speaker 3: Pretty much completely agree with Ben. I think this might
15:19
Speaker 3: be an issue for couples therapy that'll best be hashed
15:23
Speaker 3: out there with a professional and a mediator. I recently
15:28
Speaker 3: had a friend go to couples counseling with their significant
15:32
Speaker 3: other because of a situation very similar to this, where
15:36
Speaker 3: like all of where all their problems came from, kind
15:40
Speaker 3: of like shared household duties and shared financial responsibilities, because
15:45
Speaker 3: he saw it one way and she saw it in a
15:47
Speaker 3: more traditional way, but he saw it in more of
15:49
Speaker 3: a possessive like my money, your money situation. And I
15:54
Speaker 3: come from a family like my mom was a stay
15:57
Speaker 3: at home mom ever since I was born, and my
16:00
Speaker 3: dad was always the worker, and it was very traditional
16:04
Speaker 3: like that. But it's always been my parents' money. It's
16:08
Speaker 3: never been my dad's money. It's like when we go
16:11
Speaker 3: to dinner. One time, Jared said, which is very early
16:13
Speaker 3: on in our dating, went to dinner and my and
16:18
Speaker 3: Jared thanked my dad for dinner and I no, no, no,
16:21
Speaker 3: you think my mom, and you think my mom and
16:24
Speaker 3: my dad because it's their money. So I just am
16:27
Speaker 3: coming for the belief where I know it's different these days.
16:29
Speaker 3: And of course you know you can have divided bank
16:34
Speaker 3: accounts and all that. You know, some solo bankcounts, some
16:37
Speaker 3: joy breakouts, to totally respect anyway you do it. But
16:40
Speaker 3: I don't think that this way is the healthiest. This
16:44
Speaker 3: is different than that. It just seems too much of
16:48
Speaker 3: a division point. And I would say this is probably
16:53
Speaker 3: an issue for a professional.
16:56
Speaker 2: I mean, I highly recommend couples canceling.
16:58
Speaker 1: I think we said every podcast so far that Jessic
17:00
Speaker 1: and I have been in couples counseling since the beginning,
17:02
Speaker 1: not because we need saving in our relationship, but because
17:04
Speaker 1: we need those tweaks we want to stay healthy in
17:06
Speaker 1: our relationship. It's something that I'm going to on Wednesday
17:09
Speaker 1: actually with her. No, yeah, Wednesday. It's just a thing
17:13
Speaker 1: in our life now. It's not uncommon, but stuff like
17:15
Speaker 1: this could get brought up. A mediator could sit there
17:17
Speaker 1: and tell you, hey, have you thought about it?
17:20
Speaker 2: This way? Is this the healthiest? Past?
17:22
Speaker 1: I do agree that is a good option, but something
17:28
Speaker 1: needs to be done. This is a very very unhealthy
17:32
Speaker 1: statement that he's you know, and even the question, like
17:35
Speaker 1: the fact that he doesn't take gifts, I think speaks
17:37
Speaker 1: more to his mindset than it does to maybe how
17:40
Speaker 1: he views his wife.
17:41
Speaker 3: Though, yeah, the gifts thing could be like a whole
17:43
Speaker 3: different it's a whole different branch of this conversation. The
17:48
Speaker 3: fact that he refers to it, like if you guys
17:50
Speaker 3: are out with friends and he says my house and
17:56
Speaker 3: not our house, that's very strange to me.
18:00
Speaker 2: It's so weird.
18:01
Speaker 1: Uh, Sarah, We've been here, We've given you our advice,
18:06
Speaker 1: but we're we feel for you, we understand.
18:11
Speaker 2: That you're hurting.
18:12
Speaker 1: And then your question I read it and I'm I'm
18:14
Speaker 1: I'm getting upset for you because, quite frankly, when I mean,
18:23
Speaker 1: at least in my belief system, in my faith system,
18:28
Speaker 1: when I say I want to commit to somebody for
18:31
Speaker 1: the rest of my life through marriage, it's not that
18:34
Speaker 1: I want to hold power for them. It's that I
18:38
Speaker 1: need a partner. I need a friend. I need my
18:41
Speaker 1: lover to stand by me. And we're going to do
18:43
Speaker 1: this together now, together at every level. And I and
18:48
Speaker 1: I doesn't feel like this marriage right now that he
18:51
Speaker 1: is allowing you guys to do this together very clear,
19:05
Speaker 1: writes in What's a subtle way to break up with
19:08
Speaker 1: my boyfriend for a bedroom? For reference, I am twenty
19:13
Speaker 1: one years old and my boyfriend is twenty three. I
19:15
Speaker 1: have been dating the guy that I love for three years,
19:18
Speaker 1: but we have had a dead bedroom for two and
19:22
Speaker 1: a half years. I've tried everything but get rejected ninety
19:26
Speaker 1: percent of the time. It's gotten to the point where
19:28
Speaker 1: I'm seeing a psychollege because all of the insecurities that
19:32
Speaker 1: rejection causes me reflects in my life with friends and myself.
19:37
Speaker 1: It's really sad because I believe that is the only
19:41
Speaker 1: problem in our relationship. But I feel like this is
19:44
Speaker 1: ending me. I've tried to communicate a million times, but
19:47
Speaker 1: he just says that I am addicted to sex. We
19:51
Speaker 1: only have sex once or twice every two weeks, and
19:55
Speaker 1: only one round. I'm not sure if I should keep
19:58
Speaker 1: waiting for a change or do something about it.
20:00
Speaker 3: Well, I guess Mary, it's up to you on.
20:07
Speaker 2: I don't know it.
20:09
Speaker 3: Just you guys obviously have just two totally different appetites
20:12
Speaker 3: for sex and we I don't know how personally you
20:17
Speaker 3: should take it with him, whether it's I would say
20:20
Speaker 3: that even though it's getting to your insecurities, my gut
20:23
Speaker 3: is that he just is not that sexual. He doesn't
20:26
Speaker 3: need it that much. But of course that doesn't mean
20:29
Speaker 3: that you're not gonna take it personally. I totally understand
20:33
Speaker 3: how that rejection would hurt. I. Oh, I don't know
20:41
Speaker 3: how else to elaborate, because like it's really just gonna
20:45
Speaker 3: it seems like it's just coming down to appetite for it.
20:48
Speaker 3: And if you have such an incompatible if you're so
20:51
Speaker 3: incompatible there and it's going to emotionally affect you and
20:56
Speaker 3: you're so young, then perhaps it's just it is time
21:00
Speaker 3: to give up the relationship. But are you are you deciding,
21:04
Speaker 3: are you trying to decide to end the relationship, or
21:09
Speaker 3: are you trying to work it out? Because the question
21:11
Speaker 3: is what's a subtle way for me to break up
21:13
Speaker 3: with my boyfriend? I don't even think you have to
21:17
Speaker 3: come up with a subtle way because this seems to
21:19
Speaker 3: be such an issue in your relationship. You can just
21:21
Speaker 3: be like, this isn't working for me. I need more intimacy.
21:25
Speaker 3: So we're just gonna have to end. Now, what do
21:28
Speaker 3: you think?
21:29
Speaker 1: Well, I think this is a whole different question if
21:31
Speaker 1: they didn't start with what's a subtle way to break
21:33
Speaker 1: up my boyfriend?
21:35
Speaker 2: Feel like the question is I'm done?
21:37
Speaker 3: Right? Yeah, it sounds really done. But then when you
21:38
Speaker 3: read the paragraph, it sounds like the only problem in
21:41
Speaker 3: the relationship is that is this? So that sucks?
21:47
Speaker 1: Sure it does. Okay, So the question that you're asking
21:52
Speaker 1: is how do we break up? I think a breakup
21:54
Speaker 1: is hard, it's ugly, it's never done well. Both sides
21:57
Speaker 1: are hurt, it's awkward. You're telling some but you don't
22:00
Speaker 1: want to be a part of your life anymore in
22:02
Speaker 1: a romantic way. My advice for any breakup, ever, is
22:07
Speaker 1: rip the band aid off and just do it. Like
22:08
Speaker 1: you're not gonna say the right words. They're gonna be
22:11
Speaker 1: hurting no matter what, So just dive in any breakup.
22:16
Speaker 1: There's no like, here's the trick to saying it, so
22:18
Speaker 1: that both sides walk away perfectly. Fine, it's not gonna happen,
22:21
Speaker 1: So just break up with him. Tell him maybe why
22:25
Speaker 1: so he knows like what he did wrong, so that
22:28
Speaker 1: he can maybe grow on that for the future and
22:32
Speaker 1: maybe with his next partner. He does realize that the needs,
22:38
Speaker 1: the intimacy needs of his partner are very important to
22:43
Speaker 1: keep in check into not to shame or guilt or judge.
22:48
Speaker 1: I also say this would be a different conversation if
22:50
Speaker 1: you guys were married. So one thing here that is
22:53
Speaker 1: to point out that your boyfriend and girlfriend, so he
22:56
Speaker 1: hasn't made that.
22:57
Speaker 2: Commitment to you. You haven't made that commitment to him.
23:00
Speaker 1: You guys don't have like the commitment to each other
23:04
Speaker 1: yet as boyfriend and girlfriend to where you could say, hey,
23:07
Speaker 1: as my partner, I desire sex with you more. That's
23:12
Speaker 1: something that I think once you get in the marriage
23:14
Speaker 1: you can start having those conversations.
23:16
Speaker 3: Feel like she's had this conversation.
23:18
Speaker 1: Sure, sure, But what I'm saying is he hasn't made
23:21
Speaker 1: the commitment to her yet in a marriage situation where
23:24
Speaker 1: he said, yes, I want to be with you for
23:25
Speaker 1: rest in my life, where he has to be like, yeah, well,
23:28
Speaker 1: you know what if once you get married, I feel
23:31
Speaker 1: like there's a level there where you're talking to your
23:33
Speaker 1: partner and you're like, we're going to try to do
23:35
Speaker 1: this thing forever, and as a result, I want to
23:38
Speaker 1: try to be the best partner to you and satisfy
23:40
Speaker 1: your needs, especially when it comes to sex. Right, Like
23:43
Speaker 1: you're talking about things. Maybe you're a couple that's into
23:46
Speaker 1: some you know, freaky stuff and you're going to tell
23:48
Speaker 1: your partner, hey, I like it when you do this,
23:51
Speaker 1: or I want you to try this or that. In marriage,
23:55
Speaker 1: I do think there's already the commitment behind it to
23:57
Speaker 1: be like, as a partner to you, I've agreed to
24:02
Speaker 1: be the first and last stop for you when it
24:06
Speaker 1: comes to sex. When your boyfriend and girlfriend, if you're saying, hey,
24:10
Speaker 1: he doesn't desire sex and I do, then it might
24:13
Speaker 1: be best for you to find a partner that does.
24:16
Speaker 1: You can move on and marriage you just can't move on,
24:18
Speaker 1: Like that's not an option at least in our household.
24:22
Speaker 2: Is just to move on. You've made a commitment.
24:24
Speaker 1: We're going to try to figure it out so that
24:26
Speaker 1: we both are making sure we're the best partner for
24:29
Speaker 1: each other as often as we can. And that's why
24:33
Speaker 1: we communicate about it, you know, That's why we talk
24:35
Speaker 1: about it. That's why when you would, you know, with
24:37
Speaker 1: your boyfriend, you come to him and say, hey, I
24:39
Speaker 1: need to be intimate with you more I want to
24:41
Speaker 1: be intimate with you more. It brings up I lacking
24:44
Speaker 1: confidence when we're not intimate. When you turn me down,
24:48
Speaker 1: I think he right now has the ability to say, well, sorry.
24:50
Speaker 2: I'm just not the right guy for you.
24:52
Speaker 1: Then, But I do believe there could be a guy,
24:55
Speaker 1: so to break up with them, to break up with them,
24:57
Speaker 1: end it. But I think when it comes to intimacy
25:00
Speaker 1: part now you know what you're looking for in your
25:02
Speaker 1: next relationship that you can be clear about with your partner,
25:05
Speaker 1: to hopefully find somebody that, as you enter into a
25:08
Speaker 1: long committed relationship with them, will be more able to
25:12
Speaker 1: satisfy your needs and your desires. And maybe this guy
25:16
Speaker 1: will find you know, somebody that just likes to sit
25:19
Speaker 1: on the couch and eat popcorn.
25:20
Speaker 3: Yeah, it happened like this. The issue happened too early
25:24
Speaker 3: in your relationship, and it's affected you too much, and
25:27
Speaker 3: you're too young for it all, So it probably isn't
25:30
Speaker 3: the right one. And while you think that your relationship
25:33
Speaker 3: is practically perfect besides this, I'm sure you'll find somebody
25:37
Speaker 3: then realize that this future person is far more perfect for.
25:41
Speaker 2: You hundred percent. Yep, this is just a breakup. You
25:45
Speaker 2: move on. But it sounds like you've done the communication part.
25:50
Speaker 2: You've expressed your needs and desires.
25:52
Speaker 1: It's not being reciprocated, it's not being respected, So you
25:55
Speaker 1: move on to somebody that will. This has been almost
25:59
Speaker 1: good advice. This are some great questions. Goodness gracious again,
26:03
Speaker 1: I do feel younger after this. We hear you, we
26:07
Speaker 1: feel for you, we feel with you. We're going to
26:09
Speaker 1: try our best every week to give you decent advice,
26:12
Speaker 1: advice that will cause more healing than hurting in your
26:17
Speaker 1: personal lives and in your relationships and your work lives.
26:19
Speaker 2: Whatever.
26:19
Speaker 1: The questions kind of fall back on. So until next week,
26:24
Speaker 1: I've been Bet, I've been Ashley.
26:26
Speaker 3: Thanks for listening, guys. HI Follow the Ben and Ashley
26:30
Speaker 3: I Almost Famous podcasts on iHeartRadio or subscribe wherever you
26:34
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