Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When You Have Imposter Syndrome
Transcript
- Lucas: So, imposter syndrome. Statistically, about seventy percent of people report feeling it at some point in their career. But here's the paradox — those same people often delay seeking mentorship because they're afraid a mentor will 'find them out'. Luna: Right, like you need to have everything figured out before you even ask for help. I've definitely been there. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the trap. A mentor isn't there to judge your credentials. They're there to help you build them. So today I want to talk about a specific strategy — what I call the ten-minute rule for cold outreach — and use a real example I saw recently. Luna: Okay, ten-minute rule. I'm intrigued. Lucas: So a software engineer I know — let's call her Priya — had been in the industry for about four years. She was competent, her team respected her, but she felt like a fraud every time she considered applying for a senior role. She wanted a mentor who was a VP of engineering at a larger company, but she was terrified to reach out. Luna: Because she thought the VP would see her resume and think, 'Why is this person wasting my time?' Lucas: Exactly. So she came up with this rule — she would spend exactly ten minutes drafting an email. No more. No agonizing over every word. She forced herself to hit send after ten minutes. And in that email, she didn't pretend to be an expert. She said, 'I've been working on distributed systems for four years. I'm trying to understand how a VP thinks about trade-offs between speed and reliability. Could I ask you one specific question?' Luna: So she led with a specific problem, not with her own insecurity. That's smart. Lucas: Right. She didn't say 'I have imposter syndrome, please help me.' She said 'I respect your expertise, and here's a concrete puzzle I'm trying to solve.' The VP responded within twenty-four hours. They had a fifteen-minute call, and that turned into a quarterly check-in. Luna: That's a great example. But what about people who feel like they don't even know what question to ask? That's where imposter syndrome really paralyzes you — you think you should already know the answer. Lucas: Yeah, that's a common variant. So here's a different approach. You can borrow what I call the 'admitted uncertainty' frame. You literally say, 'I know this is a basic question, but I'd rather ask you than guess wrong.' Most senior people actually appreciate that honesty. Luna: Because they've been there. No one starts out knowing everything. Lucas: Right. I remember reading a survey from LinkedIn where something like sixty-five percent of executives said they were more likely to respond to a message that admitted a knowledge gap than one that pretended to know everything. It signals self-awareness and coachability. Luna: So the key is to reframe the ask — from 'prove yourself' to 'learn something'. That takes the pressure off. Lucas: Exactly. And it's worth noting that imposter syndrome often correlates with being a high achiever. The people who feel it most are often the ones who are actually performing well, but they hold themselves to an impossible standard. Luna: Which is exactly the kind of person a mentor can help. You need someone to calibrate your self-assessment. Lucas: Speaking of calibration — this is a good moment to mention something. If you find value in these conversations, and you've ever thought about supporting the show so it stays ad-free and accessible, listeners have been finding us at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. No pressure whatsoever, but if you've gotten a practical tip from an episode like this, that's a way to keep it going. Luna: Yeah, we really appreciate that. And it helps us keep doing deep dives into topics like this. Lucas: So back to Priya. After about six months of quarterly calls with her VP mentor, she finally applied for a senior role. She got it. And she told me the most valuable thing her mentor did was not give her technical advice — it was to say, 'I've seen your work. You're ready. The only thing holding you back is your own narrative.' Luna: That's powerful. A sponsor, really. Someone who advocates for you when you're not in the room. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the transition from mentor to sponsor we've talked about in previous episodes. But the entry point — especially when imposter syndrome is loud — starts with a low-stakes ask. The ten-minute email, or the admitted uncertainty frame. Luna: What about people who say, 'I don't even know who to ask?' Imposter syndrome can make you feel like no one would want to help you. Lucas: That's a real barrier. One tactic is to look for people who are one or two levels above you, not three or four. A senior manager, not a C-level executive. They're more likely to remember what it felt like to be in your shoes. Luna: So the gap feels bridgeable. You're not asking a VP of a hundred-person org when you're an individual contributor. Lucas: Right. And another tactic — use your company's internal network. If you're in a large org, there might be an employee resource group or a mentorship program. Even an informal coffee chat with someone in a different department can be a starting point. Luna: That takes some of the fear out of it because it's within the same company. You already have context in common. Lucas: Exactly. And if the company doesn't have a formal program, you can still reach out to someone whose work you admire internally. Say, 'I really liked your presentation on Q3 planning. Could I ask you a quick question about how you approached the data?' Luna: So it's always about a specific, small ask. Not 'be my mentor' but 'help me with this one thing.' Lucas: That's the most important reframe. Because when you ask for a one-time conversation, you're not imposing. And if it goes well, it can naturally evolve into something ongoing. Luna: I want to circle back to something you said earlier — about how imposter syndrome is actually more common among high achievers. There's research from Dr. Valerie Young that breaks it into different types, like the perfectionist or the natural genius. Lucas: Right, the 'natural genius' type is especially relevant here. Those are people who believe if they have to work hard at something, they must not be talented. So they avoid asking for help because it feels like admitting they're not a natural. Luna: And a mentor can help break that belief. Just by sharing their own struggles. Lucas: Exactly. I've had mentors tell me about projects they bombed early in their career. That's incredibly liberating to hear. It normalizes the learning curve. Luna: So if you're listening and you feel like a fraud, the first step is to recognize that feeling is not data. It's a feeling. And the cure is action — even a ten-minute email. Lucas: Yeah. And if you send that email and get a no, that's not a reflection on you. It's a reflection on timing or fit. You move on to the next person. Luna: What about the opposite problem — what if the mentor says yes, but then you feel even more like an imposter because now you have to live up to their expectations? Lucas: That's common too. The antidote is to be explicit about your goals. Say, 'I want to work on X skill, and I'm looking for feedback on Y.' That sets a clear scope. It's not about proving you deserve the mentorship — it's about using it to grow. Luna: And good mentors understand that. They're not expecting you to be perfect. Lucas: Not at all. In fact, the best mentors are drawn to people who are humble and eager to learn. That's the profile they're looking for. Luna: So imposter syndrome can actually be a signal to a mentor that you're someone worth investing in. If you already knew everything, you wouldn't need them. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the note I want to leave on. If you feel like you're not ready for a mentor, that's exactly the time to look for one. The feeling of not being ready is the sign that you need guidance. Luna: That's a great way to frame it. Thanks, Lucas. Lucas: Thanks, Luna. And to our listeners — the ten-minute email is a low bar. Try it this week.