Latest / The Raising Emotionally Intelligent Humans Podcast / Feeling Obligations as a Mom to School Aged Kids
Transcript
- Heidi: Hello, and welcome to another episode of the Raising Emotionally Intelligent Humans podcast. I'm Heidi Lindemann. I'm your host. I'm a single mom by choice. I'm a therapist. I do internal family systems. I love feelings and emotions, and I'm swimming in them all the time, both my own and my children's. And here on this podcast, I tell stories, real stories, about my real life as being a mom and all the feelings. And emotions that come along with it. And today I want to tell you a story about feeling obligated. Yeah, obligation. Ugh. Obligations are kinda the worst. They kinda suck quite a bit. So the other day I like a week or so or a week or so ago, my kiddo got home from school. I we hung up her backpack as we normally do on the hook. We went into a house, made dinner, we had to eat right away 'cause a whole day at school, my goodness, are we starving after that? And then I go to open up her backpack. And I pull out her little which she has a s called a pocket pal that has information that the teacher is sending, some work that she's done from school. Sometimes there's stuff in it, a lot of stuff in it, sometimes there's nothing in it. Towards the end of the week there tends to be more in it. And this particular day, sorry, this lighting is just really funky and weird. Sorry if that lighting is odd. If you're watching this and seeing that that lighting is a little bit odd. And it's leaving glares in my glasses. Sorry. Distracted from looking at that. Okay, so we were I opened up her backpack, put pulled out her pocket pad, pocket pal. And in there, there's also this envelope about a firehawk dash. Like, I've heard of this firehawk dash. What in the world is this? Ugh, my heart sinks. Overwhelming feelings flood my body. Can barely think. Staring at this thing. I have to make d donations? We have to raise money for the school. She has gone to this school for a month. One month, and I have to raise money for it already? What? god The weight of this hit me hard. I couldn't even handle it. I was no thanks, I'm not gonna do anything with this tonight. I just looked at that paper and I put it back on the counter and I went to bed. No thank you. And then the morning came. And I try to rally up my excitement to talk to my kindergartner about it. You know, we are gonna raise money for the school. And then you get to run around. You get to do laps on the track. It's called the Firehawk Dash. She seems sort of excited, but also a little confused, like what's that? We have to ask people for money. And then that money goes to your school so that you can do more things at school. Sometimes it's for raising money for technology or like computers at school. Sometimes it's for teacher supplies. Sometimes it's for doing fun things like going on field trips. So the more money you raise, the more opportunities you have at school. She kind of gets that. And then I was telling her, You're gonna raise money, and then you are gonna run around in circles. And I said it just in that way, and I was near tears. As I said, and you have to run around in circles. I named that. I was like, ooh, I feel like I'm gonna cry right now. Not quite sure what that's about. Huh. And then I put down the envelope and I made breakfast. We're leaving that one for another time. Later that day, after I had dropped off the girls and had actually boxed my friends about that feeling. They asked me some questions and got curious about it and suggested that I sit with that feeling and see what comes up. And I did. So sat with this feeling of tears, this sadness that I wasn't sure if it was a sadness of like I'm actually really sad something is doesn't feel right, or if it's a sadness of overwhelming awe or feeling or wow, my kid is getting big kind of feeling. And when I sat with it I felt this weight and these words around how nobody asked me if I wanted to do this, nobody asked me for if I wanted to join into something like this. There was no choice that I had. So it's feeling like my agency was really taken away. I was like, Well that's interesting. Hmm. And I could connect it back to some things from my childhood where I didn't feel like I had choices in what sports I was involved in when I was really little. I didn't have choices in doing some other kind of fundraiser things like the March of Dimes, or I did all kinds of running walking things to raise money. And I never really understood why me walking made money happen. It seemed very disjointed. It still seems very disjointed to me. I don't understand the concept of why do the kids need to run around in circles? For people to give money. Why do we have to do something to ask for money? And if we're doing something, doesn't it make way more sense to do something that's actually related to the kids? Like kids making art or kids donating, I don't know, time to break leaves or something. I don't know, we're making brownies and selling the brownies for twenty dollars a brownie or something. I don't know. It just seems very weird and odd to me. If anyone understands why we do this, because we do it a lot. There's a lot of dashes or races or walk-a-thons or things like that. Why are we why are we walking? What difference does that make for people giving us money? I don't get it. I honestly don't get it. And I've been around so many things that are like this. I would love to know if anybody actually understands that. I don't get it. Okay, anyway, that's part of what I discovered when I was tapping into myself, into that part of me that felt sad was this confusion, but also the lack of agency. And then this like deep sense of obligation that I don't have a choice. It doesn't matter if I want to do this or not. I can't get out of it because somebody else handed me that paper, so I have to do it. That's the link that happens inside my body. And my friend, bless her. She really encouraged me that I do not have to do something that I don't want to do. Even something that a school says that we need to do. Don't have to do it. I actually have a choice there. Which is so freeing for me. Like I really can only do things that I want to do. Phew, mind blown there. And as I continued to sit with that part and talking to my friends about this, I realized that that's my stuff. And what I want is for my kindergartner to have the choice, to choose if she wants to be involved in this or not. And so I asked her this morning. How do you feel about raising money for your school and running in circles? Her face got so bright and beamy with excitement. I could it was palpable. The how excited she was when I said that. Which was a very clear sign to me: is you really want to do this. You are. in involved and engaged in this concept of asking people for money and running. And she really wanted to do it. So then I uncoupled myself from my obligation of I probably would have chosen not to do it. And I leaned into hers. This is for her. This isn't about me. Yeah, I'm gonna be there to support her, and there's certain aspects of this that I am going to take on because I am the mom, the parent, and she's five. So there's certain aspects that she kinda can't do because we live in a technological world. It's much harder for her to go onto the internet and click on parents and friends and people to send out asks for them because she doesn't have a computer or have email addresses to anybody because she's five. I have all that. So that is gonna be my part to do. Which isn't hard and I did do it. Actually I did it right before I recorded this podcast. And then this morning we took the envelope for the Firehawk Dash to her old school. This is still where her sister goes, the preschool that she went to, that her sister s goes to, she had gone to this school since she was six months old. From six months until five and a half. And she asked some of the people there. She was a little nervous at first. But she had the envelope in her hand and we saw the director and I was like, Ask her, ask her. We had practiced before we left. And I said, What do you think you could say to somebody to help them give you money? She's like, I don't know. You do it. And I said, Mm-hmm. I'll help you. I'll be right there with you. You could say something like I'm doing the fire hawk dash. We're raising money for our school to do fun things. Would you be willing to donate? And then I was like, ooh, that's probably too many words for her, I thought. you could just say something like, We're raising money for our school. Would you help us? And then she said, I know I could say, Could you please give us give us money? Could you please give me money for my school? I was like, Yes, say that. I love that she added the word please. She is so sweet, that little sweet girl. So we had prepared that beforehand. So we're s standing at the school, seeing the the director. She's holding this piece of paper in her hand. And the director says, what's that? And I this is the perfect time. Go ahead and ask her. She gets a little bit nervous and shy, kind of like hides behind my leg. And I say, she's doing the fire hack dash. They're raising money for the school. And she was wondering if you might want to donate. And the director said, Yeah, come find me in the office after you drop off your sister. So we go drop off her sister. She asks the preschool teacher, her sister's preschool teacher, who was also her preschool teacher. She also needed my help again. And she was holding the envelope, and again the teacher asked, what's that? Is that pictures? Are those your pictures from school? We said, No, those aren't the pictures. We have gotten those, but no, not those. She's doing the fire hawk dash. And she's looking for donations to help the school. And the teacher took the envelope and looked at the envelope and read it out loud about how they're raising money for technology and teacher supplies. And what else are they raising money for? Field trip transportation for teacher trainings, for community events, for robotics, and other enhanced learning opportunities. And the little envelope thanks people for donating and supporting the children and the school. So the teacher read that. She said, yeah, come here. That teacher had money, like real actual cash money, and pulled it out and handed it to her and then filled out the little envelope. And then I was like, What do you say? She's like, Thank you And with the the money in the envelope. And then we went to the office and the director was there and Again, she read the envelope and asked some questions and we showed her the very fast running shoes that my kindergartner is wearing, her new running shoes. And it was a very sweet moment to have the director and her connecting about her fast running shoes and how she could go so fast and how they got a little dirty the last few weeks that she's had them, because she wears them every day. And she gave some money. And then the assistant director happened to be sitting there too and said, can I see that? And we said, Yep. And she also gave money. And we were trying to get the d online donations working, but I hadn't fully set everything up yet or figured out. I'd set it up but didn't know how to do it yet. And she's like, Ooh, I don't have any cash on me. And then the director said, Ooh, I've got some cash. She's like, ooh, how much do I have? Ooh, I have this cash. You can go ahead and Venmo me this much cash. And then she shared that. And I was like, that's great. And All in all, she raised thirty five dollars this morning from three people. It's pretty amazing. And I love how my working through my own feelings around feeling sad and obligated and how that felt hard and yikky to me and I don't want to do it. That I could recognize those and honor them, not pressuring myself to do anything, and then notice my kid and her genuine excitement and let her. Huh. Lead this with giving her support and help because she's never done a fundraiser before. This she's this is the first one she's done, so she's not really asked people for money. So it's a new skill she's learning. So of course she needs my support for this. And it feels so much easier and better to like this actually isn't mine. It's not mine. It is not mine. This is hers. This is about her. and what she wants. And I'm gonna keep leaning into that and letting her go with it. But also as her mom, and because I have a podcast, I'm gonna say if you feel called and would like to donate to her, school, it's a school in Longmont, we'd be we'd love to have that happen. There is a link in the show notes for you to go to her page and to donate there. Yeah. So if you are listening to this in October of twenty twenty six and it is before I think October twenty second, for sure before October fifteenth. That's when the the dash happens, but I think it might stay open until the twenty second, maybe the twenty first. You can go ahead and go on that link and donate. And the school would be grateful to have that donation and we would be grateful that you're helping my kid even though if you don't necessarily know her. You might know her, you might not know her. I don't know. But it's helps not just her, it helps the entire school and helps her and all of her classmates have a better learning environment. And I want that for all kids. A better learning environment. So anyway, that's my story. Story about feeling really obligated as a mom. working through my own stuff. Even just the awareness of it. A little awareness. Didn't do a huge dive into it. Probably will, but I haven't done a huge dive. And then leaning into my kid. And just see what her genuine desire is. And following that. Again, if you'd like to donate, go ahead and donate. You can click on the link below in the show notes. If you are looking for a therapist and need some help, I have about one spot available right now. Feel free to reach out for a free consultation. I also happen to know other therapists who have openings if we're not a great fit. And Mama, just know you actually have choice. When you feel obligated to do something, when you feel like you don't have a choice, when it feels like s the school is essentially saying you must do this thing, you still have a choice. You always have a choice. And I'd encourage you to tap into yourself, to notice what is it that's happening for you. And beyond that feeling, what is it that you really want? And what do you have time to commit yourself to? And really choose those things that you want to actually do. I am committing myself to my child, to her and her enthusiasm. That's what I'm committing to. I'm not committing to this fundraiser donation. I'm committing to her excitement and following that joy that she has. So I'd encourage you to do the same thing. Find what you want to commit to, what lights you up, and follow that. Just like my kiddo is following what lights her And know, Mama, that you're not alone. That you can you are connected, we are all connected in this journey as mothers. And if there's something that you need, it's really important to ask for it. Your needs matter too. If this felt supportive or helpful or just brought a smile to your face, or any other feeling, really, and you think of another mom that might benefit, I'd love for you to share it with them. Also, feel free to leave a five-star rating and a review. We know those five-star ratings. That's what creates podcasts to grow to get to more moms who might need this, which is why I'm asking for a five-star rating. And Yeah, may you be blessed, mamma. Until next time. Peace be with you.