Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Handle Feedback Without Breaking Trust
Transcript
- Lucas: There is a specific kind of silence that falls over a room when a new manager gives bad feedback in public. It’s not just awkwardness. It’s the sound of trust evaporating. And for many newly promoted leaders, especially those who came up through individual contributor roles, that moment is the hardest hurdle to clear. Luna: Right, because they’re still thinking like doers. They want to fix the problem immediately, so they jump straight to the correction without checking if the relationship can hold it. Lucas: Exactly. I’ve been looking at data from a recent leadership survey by the Society for Human Resource Management, and one stat stood out. Over sixty percent of employees say their manager gives feedback rarely or only during formal reviews. That’s not coaching. That’s auditing. Luna: And when you wait until the annual review to drop a negative comment, it feels like an ambush. The employee has spent eleven months thinking everything was fine, and then suddenly they’re being judged on a single Tuesday afternoon. Lucas: It creates a defensive posture that lasts for weeks. Let’s look at a concrete example. There was a mid-level engineering lead at a fintech startup who realized he was losing his best developers. He wasn’t firing anyone, but people were quitting. His diagnosis was simple: he gave feedback too late and too harshly. Luna: So how did he fix it? Did he hire an external coach? Lucas: He didn’t have the budget for that. Instead, he implemented what I call the thirty-minute calibration session. Once a week, every Thursday morning, he sits down with each direct report for exactly thirty minutes. No agenda other than two questions: What worked well this week, and where did friction happen? Luna: That sounds less like a performance review and more like a sync. Is there pressure to make it perfect? Lucas: The beauty is in the imperfection. Because it happens weekly, a mistake made on Monday can be addressed on Thursday. It normalizes course correction. It removes the stigma of failure because failure becomes just data for next week’s plan. Luna: But doesn’t that require a lot of emotional energy from the manager? You can’t always be in the zone. Lucas: It does, which is why structure matters. He uses a simple framework. First, he asks for permission. He says, 'I noticed something in the client call yesterday. Do you have space to talk about it now?' This small phrase changes everything. Luna: It signals respect for their mental state. It makes them an active participant rather than a passive recipient. Lucas: Precisely. Most new managers skip that step. They assume they own the time, so they start talking. But when you ask for permission, you give the employee agency. Even if they say yes reluctantly, they feel heard. Luna: What if they say no? Does the conversation die? Lucas: No. It gets rescheduled. And that’s actually valuable information. If someone is constantly saying no to feedback, it might mean they’re overwhelmed, or it might mean they don’t trust you yet. Either way, you’ve learned something critical about the relationship. Luna: That’s a really smart reframing. You’re using the refusal itself as diagnostic data. Lucas: Another key part of his system is separating behavior from identity. When giving feedback, he avoids words like 'lazy' or 'careless.' Those are character judgments. Instead, he describes actions. 'The report was missing the Q three data,' not 'You don’t pay attention to detail.' Luna: Because anyone can change an action. Changing who someone is feels impossible and threatening. Lucas: Right. Identity attacks trigger defense mechanisms. Behavioral corrections trigger problem-solving. If you tell someone they are careless, they spend their energy defending their character. If you tell them the data was missing, they spend their energy finding the spreadsheet. Luna: This feels like it requires a lot more discipline from the manager than just snapping at someone. How do you keep yourself from reverting to old habits? Lucas: Scripting helps. For the first few months, new managers should literally write down their opening sentences for feedback conversations. It prevents emotional leakage. You want to sound calm, curious, and precise. Not angry, disappointed, or rushed. Luna: So you’re practicing the tone before you walk into the room. That’s almost like acting. Lucas: It is acting, in the sense that you are choosing the version of yourself that serves the team. You aren’t being fake. You’re being professional. There’s a difference between your raw reaction and your managed response. Luna: Does this approach work for positive feedback too, or is it mostly for correcting mistakes? Lucas: It works better for positive feedback because people usually handle praise well. The challenge is making sure praise is specific. Don’t just say good job. Say, 'Your handling of the client objection on Tuesday saved the deal because you listened first instead of interrupting.' Luna: Specific praise reinforces the exact behavior you want to see repeated. Vague praise is just noise. Lucas: Exactly. And here is the trap many fall into. They think if they are nice, they won’t be respected. So they become cold and distant to establish authority. But authority comes from clarity, not cruelty. You can be warm and direct at the same time. Luna: Warmth builds connection. Directness builds results. You need both to retain top talent. Lucas: Which brings us back to the former peer dynamic. When you manage someone who used to be your equal, this calibration session becomes even more important. It levels the playing field. It shows you are evaluating their work, not judging their past friendship. Luna: It creates a neutral ground. A structured meeting removes the ambiguity of whether you are hanging out or working. Lucas: One last thing I want to mention is the follow-up. After the feedback conversation, send a brief email summarizing the key points. Not as a legal record, but as a memory aid. It proves you were listening, and it gives the employee a reference point later. Luna: That tiny administrative step adds so much credibility. It shows you take the conversation seriously enough to document it. Lucas: It also protects you. If a pattern emerges, you have a paper trail of coaching attempts. But more importantly, it builds a culture where feedback is routine, not rare. Luna: Routine feedback reduces anxiety. Everyone knows what is expected and when they will hear about it. Lucas: If we've helped you think through a career move or decision, consider supporting the show directly. It keeps the content ad-free and allows us to dig deeper into these management frameworks. Honestly, if today was worth a coffee to you, that's the link — buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo — that's F. E. X. I. N. G. O. Luna: Yeah, and it helps us bring more practical, real-world examples like this to the airwaves every day. Lucas: Back to the framework. One final tip for new managers: never give feedback when you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Use the HALT acronym. If you are emotionally compromised, postpone the conversation. Your state will infect theirs. Luna: Self-regulation is the first leadership skill. You can’t guide others if you are lost yourself. Lucas: So, take a breath. Step away. Come back when you are ready to be clear, kind, and constructive. That is how you build a team that actually wants to grow. Luna: And that is how you stay employed when things get tough, because people stick with managers who help them improve, not managers who just judge them. Lucas: Exactly. Feedback is a gift, but only if it’s wrapped in respect and delivered with timing. Anything else is just noise. Luna: Here is a question for you to sit with: What is one feedback conversation you’ve been avoiding because it felt too risky, and how could you frame it as a calibration request instead?