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10 Narcissistic Manipulation Phrases Used to Avoid Accountability and How God Can Help · Toxic Relationship Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: You bring up something that hurt you, you rehearsed it in the shower, edited it while driving, and softened it so much, your complaint is wearing slippers.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Then you say, When you embarrassed me in front of everyone, it hurt.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: And somehow 20 minutes later, you're apologizing for bringing it up.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the podcast where we talk about the conversation that goes everywhere except toward accountability.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Shannon Alder, life coach and author of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: And today I am joined by the amazing Jake O'Connell to dive deep into 10 manipulation phrases used to avoid accountability and how Christians can respond with wisdom, boundaries, and faith.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Jake, welcome.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_02: Shannon, it is so good to be here again.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_02: And I have to say, your opening just had me nodding.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_02: That whole scene where you end up apologizing for being hurt.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_02: It's like a courtroom where the defendant appointed themselves judge.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_02: I've seen it a hundred times in pastoral care.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: And um, that's exactly why we're doing this episode.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now, before we jump into the 10 phrases, let me give a quick hook to our listeners out there.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: If you have ever walked away from a conversation feeling more confused, more guilty, and more exhausted than when you started, this episode is for you.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: And if you love it, don't forget to subscribe on YouTube at the Toxic Relationship Podcast.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Hit that bell so you never miss an episode.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, Jake, one thing I always clarify: a phrase alone does not mean someone has narcissistic personality disorder.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's the pattern, right?
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely, Shannon.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_02: Ordinary people get defensive sometimes, and they say a hurtful thing in the moment.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_02: But the difference is whether they eventually listen, take responsibility, and change.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_02: A consistent pattern of evading accountability, flipping blame, and making you question your own sanity, that's where the red flags multiply.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: And um, we also have to be careful not to claim we know precisely what God wants in every single relationship.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: But scripture gives us clear principles.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Speak truth, practice humility, look for the fruit of repentance, and pursue peace without pretending wrongdoing is acceptable.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Being a Christian does not require you to become excellent at being mistreated.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: So let's start with phrase number one you're too sensitive.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Jake unpacked that for us.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_02: This one is a classic.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_02: You explain that a comment hurt, and suddenly your sensitivity is the problem.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_02: It's like someone throws a rock at your window and then complains that your glass is too fragile.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_02: Ephesians chapter 4, verse 29 says our words should build people up according to their needs.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_02: That gives us a standard far beyond, was it funny to me?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_02: A practical response is, I'm willing to discuss what happened, but calling me too sensitive doesn't address what you said.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_02: You don't need to prove the whole world would be hurt.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: And spiritually we ask God for discernment.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we misunderstand each other, sometimes we need thicker skin, and sometimes someone else needs kinder words.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Humility allows us to consider all three.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Phrase number two, I was just joking.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: This one arrives right after a public insult, and suddenly you're accused of ruining the fun.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, the classic, you can't take a joke defense.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_02: Proverbs chapter 26, verses 18 to 19 actually describes a person who deceives a neighbor and then says, I was only joking.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_02: Scripture recognizes that humor does not erase responsibility.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_02: You can say, you may have intended humor, but I'm asking you to stop making comments about that.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_02: Notice how little explaining that requires.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_02: And if they continue, you act on the boundary, leave the room, end the call.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Right, because a joke that repeatedly humiliates one person and entertains the other isn't connection.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's cruelty wearing a party hat.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now, phrase three, you made me do it.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: You made me yell, you made me lie, you made me say those things.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Jake, this hands you responsibility for someone else's choice.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_02: And it's exhausting.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_02: If every unpleasant feeling gives someone permission to mistreat you, you'll spend your entire life trying to keep them comfortable enough to behave.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_02: Galatians chapter 6, verse 5 says, Each person will carry their own load.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_02: You can own your part.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_02: I shouldn't have interrupted, I'm sorry.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_02: But then you keep the two issues distinct.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_02: We still need to address the names you called me.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_02: Your confession is not a receipt proving all wrongdoing belongs to you.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's powerful, and I often tell people to pray, Lord, show me what is mine to repair, and help me stop carrying what belongs to someone else.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now, phrase four.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: That never happened.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: You remember the words, you remember where you were standing, and they announce none of it happened.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Jake, what's going on there?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_02: People can honestly remember events differently.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_02: That's human.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_02: But repeated denial used to shut down discussion, especially when the story changes with evidence, is manipulation.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_02: Ephesians chapter 4, verse 25 calls believers to put away falsehood and speak truthfully.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: A grounded response is, we remember this differently.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not going to keep arguing about my memory, I'm deciding what I need going forward.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_02: For key arrangements, written text helps.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_02: But don't turn your life into a courtroom drama.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you do not need to win an argument about every past incident before deciding a pattern is damaging your trust.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: God's invitation to truth includes telling yourself the truth about what you are experiencing.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Phrase 5.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: After everything I've done for you.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: And out comes the emotional invoice from 2009.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_02: Ah, the lifetime immunity clause on a car ride.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_02: 1 Corinthians 13 to 5 says, love does not insist on its own way.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_02: Generosity that demands unquestioning obedience has moved away from love.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_02: You can say, I appreciate what you've done, but I still need to talk about what happened.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_02: Both statements are true, and you may need to reconsider accepting help that consistently becomes a means of control.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_02: A gift should not require you to call hurtful behavior loving.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's so important, especially when financial dependence is involved.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Take manageable steps rather than condemning yourself for needing support.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now, phrase six, you do it too.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: They immediately produce something you did, maybe from a time so long ago you need historical clothing to remember it.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_02: This is the classic spotlight shift.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_02: Healthy accountability allows room for both concerns, but avoidance uses your imperfections to prevent examining theirs.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: Matthew chapter 7, verses 3 to 5 calls us to remove the log from our own eye first, but that's for both people.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_02: You can say, if I've done that, I want to address it.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_02: Let's finish this, then we can discuss yours.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_02: And mean it.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_02: You can even set another time for their complaint.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_02: God doesn't require you to be perfect before you name a problem.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Phrase 7.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry you feel that way.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds close to an apology.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: It has the right opening words, even a sigh, but it never reaches what the person did.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Jake, how do we respond?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_02: A meaningful apology names the behavior.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_02: I shared your private information.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_02: That was wrong.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_02: Luke chapter 3, verse 8 connects repentance with fruit.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_02: Evidence beyond a statement.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: Say, I appreciate that you recognize I'm hurt.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_02: Are you willing to acknowledge what you did and say how it will change?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_02: Look for specificity and follow-through.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_02: A dramatic apology followed by the same behavior is still the same behavior.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_02: Christian forgiveness deserves serious thought, but restored trust grows through consistent conduct.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes you have simply stopped giving someone unlimited opportunities to repeat harm.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: You share less, shorten visits, stop lending money.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now your precaution is called bitterness.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_02: Romans chapter 12, verse 18 tells us to live peaceably as far as it depends on us.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_02: And that recognizes peace involves more than one person.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_02: Romans chapter 12 also directs us away from revenge.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_02: But you can obey that while taking sensible precautions.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_02: Ask two separate questions.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_02: Am I trying to punish this person?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_02: And what arrangement would reduce further harm?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_02: Those questions distinguish vengeance from protection.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_02: Bring anger to God honestly.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_02: You don't need to pretend you feel serene while your jaw is clenched.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now, phrase 9 is where faith gets weaponized.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: A real Christian would forgive me.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: They may mention honoring parents, turning the other cheek.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Jake, this is a big one for our listeners.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_02: It's spiritual abuse, plain and simple.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_02: Luke chapter 17, verses 3 to 4 includes both confronting wrongdoing and forgiving.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_02: Naming sin is not an enemy of grace.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_02: Ephesians chapter 5, verse 21 speaks of mutual submission.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_02: You can respond, my faith calls me to forgiveness and truth.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_02: I'm willing to discuss both, but I will not use scripture to avoid addressing what happened.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_02: And please, do not let the person benefiting from your silence become your only interpreter of God's will.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_02: Seek counsel from a trusted pastor or counselor who takes harm seriously.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: And if confrontation brings threats or danger, get support before attempting it.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: A difficult conversation is not something you must do alone to prove your faith.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Phrase 10, fine.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: I guess I'm just a terrible person.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Suddenly they announce the collapse of their entire moral character, and you're reassuring them while your concern waits in the corner for retirement.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: Some say this from genuine shame, others from redirection.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: 2 Corinthians 7 1011 distinguishes godly sorrow by what it produces earnestness about addressing wrongdoing.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: Accountability doesn't require someone to declare themselves worthless.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: It requires addressing a specific action.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: Say, I'm not saying you're a terrible person, I'm asking you to take responsibility for this behavior.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: Compassion makes room for discomfort, but not for abandoning the conversation every time responsibility feels painful.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: And if someone threatens self-harm, take it seriously and involve crisis support.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: You should not have to manage that threat by surrendering your boundary.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, Jake, let's step back.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: What should someone do spiritually when facing these phrases over and over?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_02: Start by slowing down.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_02: You don't have to answer every accusation immediately.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_02: Breathe, pray, return when you can think clearly.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_02: James chapter 1, verse 19 says, Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_02: That applies to you and to the person demanding that you listen.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_02: Then name the behavior plainly.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_02: When I bring up a concern, you call me names.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_02: Simple language keeps focus and choose a response you can actually carry out.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_02: If the name calling continues, I'll end the call.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, boundaries are only useful with follow-through, and then watch the fruit over time.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Honesty, repaired harm, respect for limits.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot make another person repent by explaining beautifully enough.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: If you've spent years trying, that may be painful to accept, but it frees you to put energy into what God entrusted to you.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Jake, one question I get all the time: is it possible to get a narcissist to be accountable?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Give us the honest answer.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_02: Shannon, I wish I could give a simple yes, but the truth is accountability requires internal conviction, and many narcissistic patterns resist that deeply.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_02: You can set boundaries, you can state truth, you can offer a path to repair, but you cannot force repentance.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes the most faithful thing is to endure with wisdom, like the persistent widow in Luke chapter 18, never giving up on justice while also protecting your soul.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_02: Other times, when harm is continual and there is no authentic change, separation may be necessary.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_02: 1 Corinthians 7 15 says, if an unbelieving partner leaves, a believer is not bound, and by extension, safety and sanity matter to God.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_02: Look at Abigail in 1 Samuel 25.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_02: Her husband Nabal was foolish and harsh.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_02: She didn't just absorb his abuse, she acted wisely, protected her household, and eventually God dealt with Nabal.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: Scripture is full of people who set boundaries against destructive behavior while staying faithful to God.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's so good.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: And for those in that hard place, we have a community where you don't have to figure this out alone.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: I want to invite everyone to join Staying Positive University.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's a tribe for abuse victims, a space of healing, education, and encouragement.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can find it at shannonalder.com.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: While you're there, subscribe to get 20% off my next book coming out in July of 2027.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Jake, why is community so vital in this journey?
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_02: Because manipulation thrives in isolation.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_02: Galatians chapter 6, verse 2 says, bear one another's burdens.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_02: When you have wise, safe people who can reflect reality back to you, the fog lifts.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_02: A narcissist wants you to question yourself.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_02: A healthy community helps you remember who you are in Christ.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: And before we wrap, let me remind everyone.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Subscribe on YouTube at the Toxic Relationship Podcast that helps us reach more people who need these truths.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: And again, ShannonAlder.com for that 20% off my next book coming July 2027.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Also join Out Tribe on Facebook.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Join Staying Positive University.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Jake, any final scripture or story for someone listening right now who feels trapped in this cycle.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_02: I love Psalm chapter 34, verse 18.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_02: The Lord is near to the brokenhearted.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_02: You are not forgotten.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_02: And remember the story of Joseph.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_02: His brothers meant evil, but God meant it for good.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_02: That doesn't erase the pain or excuse the abuser, but it means your story is not over.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_02: Keep walking with wisdom and trust that God sees.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: And let me close with a quick prayer for our listeners.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Heavenly Father, help us hear truth beneath the noise of accusation.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Give us humility to own our mistakes and wisdom, to recognize responsibility that is not ours.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Keep our hearts from revenge.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: Strengthen us to speak plainly, and help us follow through on healthy boundaries.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: When someone uses faith to pressure us, guide us back to your word.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: Help us love with wisdom and walk in peace.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: In Jesus' name, Amen.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Jake, for joining us today.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: And thank you all for listening.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, stay anchored in truth, set your boundaries with love, and remember you are worth more than any manipulative phrase can ever take from you.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: God bless.