Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / I'll Do Better Tomorrow - Kylie Saves a Life

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I'll Do Better Tomorrow - Kylie Saves a Life · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:06
Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. Sometimes the
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Speaker 1: conversations that we have changed lives, sometimes they save lives. Today,
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Speaker 1: for our o'ld do Better Tomorrow edition of the Happy
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Speaker 1: Family's pod, we step into a conversation that Kylie had
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Speaker 1: that literally saved a life. That and more. Next this
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Speaker 1: is the Happy Families Podcast. Today. Welcome to our Friday edition,
0:32
Speaker 1: where we step into the week that was. We talk
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Speaker 1: about the stuff that worked the stuff that didn't. We
0:35
Speaker 1: call it I'll do better Tomorrow. Our goal is to
0:37
Speaker 1: help you and us to do better tomorrow, because, let's
0:40
Speaker 1: face it, sometimes parenting feels like a kinder steep climb.
0:45
Speaker 1: I'm doctor justin colslant here with my wife and his
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Speaker 1: happy family is Kylie. Kylie. We're going to get to
0:49
Speaker 1: yours in just a sec.
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Speaker 2: You say it's a steep climb, but sometimes I feel
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Speaker 2: like I'm either being literally catapulted across a valley or
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Speaker 2: I am plummeting to the lowest low being dragged under
1:02
Speaker 2: and dragged under it.
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Speaker 1: Yes, well I had a bit of both over the
1:06
Speaker 1: last week.
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Speaker 2: Well I did too. It's our family, yeh, that's right,
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Speaker 2: this is I was part of this.
1:12
Speaker 1: You were I'm sorry for not including you in that.
1:14
Speaker 1: We had a bit of both. So I would love
1:16
Speaker 1: to share one of the hardest things that we've been
1:18
Speaker 1: through recently. It's just too personal and it deals with
1:21
Speaker 1: the story of one of our children, so it's not
1:23
Speaker 1: really our story as much as it's theirs. But we've
1:26
Speaker 1: had some challenges, as every family does. But I do
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Speaker 1: want to share another story. Incidentally, the principle behind both
1:34
Speaker 1: of these stories is exactly the same. One of our
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Speaker 1: teenagers came to us and told us that she had
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Speaker 1: a goal. She is tired of feeling the way that
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Speaker 1: she feels. She's tired of I mean, it's a body
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Speaker 1: image issue, right, So she said, I want to lose
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Speaker 1: x number of kilos and I need to do it
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Speaker 1: by blah. Is this realistic? Is it doable? And we
1:54
Speaker 1: worked out some maths, did a little bit of sort
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Speaker 1: of calculating and thought, yeah, yet is doable, but it
2:01
Speaker 1: might be pushing it. Let's slow it down a little bit,
2:03
Speaker 1: let's push it out a little bit longer. So she
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Speaker 1: was okay with that. Then we had a really important conversation.
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Speaker 1: I said, tell me more about why this is important
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Speaker 1: to you. We got into the nitty gritty of the
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Speaker 1: identity challenges, the self esteem issues.
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Speaker 2: And.
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Speaker 1: Then I asked about the specific number, why is this
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Speaker 1: number important? And I couldn't get a good answer out
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Speaker 1: of her about that. Let's say, for example, it was
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Speaker 1: I don't know, seventy kilos. I couldn't get a clear
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Speaker 1: answer as to why seventy kilos was the number that
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Speaker 1: she had to be touching. I said, even if you
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Speaker 1: do get there, are you going to be happy then?
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Speaker 1: And she said, well, I don't know. I just think
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Speaker 1: that's what I need to be. And I'm like, so
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Speaker 1: you don't actually know how you feel when you get there,
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Speaker 1: and you don't actually know if that's the right number,
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Speaker 1: and she said yeah. I said, okay, so I'm really
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Speaker 1: curious about this. This is I get curious, not furious moment.
2:56
Speaker 1: This is an understand I don't reprimand moment. But let's
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Speaker 1: unpack this a little bit further. And so we talked
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Speaker 1: more about the selfes team issues. We talked more about
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Speaker 1: why it was important that she got there, and started
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Speaker 1: to really isolate Okay, this is a goal, but it's
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Speaker 1: not a very well fought through goal because there were
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Speaker 1: so many unknowns. And then I highlighted the following, whether
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Speaker 1: you're talking about a relationship, or your personal growth and development,
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Speaker 1: your spiritual growth and development, whether you're talking about your
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Speaker 1: physical health, these are the kinds of things that don't
3:27
Speaker 1: actually have an end point, Like you wake up tomorrow
3:31
Speaker 1: and you're still in that relationship, so you've got to
3:33
Speaker 1: put the effort in again. And having a goal I
3:36
Speaker 1: want to have a quote unquote happy marriage, Well that's
3:40
Speaker 1: kind of nebulous. It doesn't really work because how do
3:43
Speaker 1: you know that you're happy? And what if you wanted
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Speaker 1: to be happier? And what if you have an argument,
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Speaker 1: or somebody's tired, or dinner's not on the table, or
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Speaker 1: the house is a mess. What does that do to
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Speaker 1: your relationship? And so I said to her, when it
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Speaker 1: comes to weight, it's the same. How will you know
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Speaker 1: if you're quote unquote happy? That number isn't going to
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Speaker 1: do it for you, At which point she felt completely
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Speaker 1: confused and lost and a little bit deflated, which was
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Speaker 1: not my intention. And so I said to her what
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Speaker 1: matters is not a specific goal, but instead creating a lifestyle,
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Speaker 1: creating a habit, creating a way of being, at which
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Speaker 1: she raised her eyebrows got curious and said, I have
4:23
Speaker 1: no idea what you're talking about. And so we talked
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Speaker 1: about what people who have bodies that feel strong and
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Speaker 1: healthy do versus people with bodies that don't feel strong
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Speaker 1: and healthy. Totally different. Not about the numbers, not even
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Speaker 1: about the appearance. It's about what they're doing to make
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Speaker 1: their bodies look and feel strong and healthy.
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Speaker 2: And what's really curious to me is that she started
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Speaker 2: to put that into action, and over the last few
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Speaker 2: days she started riding a bike with us.
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Speaker 1: Twenty k's a day. It's a small number, but it's
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Speaker 1: a start.
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Speaker 2: And the other morning it was windy and we couldn't
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Speaker 2: go for a ride. She was sluggish. She was actually
5:07
Speaker 2: a little bit cranky. Yeah, and she really struggled to
5:10
Speaker 2: get through a day.
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Speaker 1: Just a rough day.
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Speaker 2: Whereas the mornings where she knows we're writing, she kind
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Speaker 2: of she doesn't she she does, she jumps out.
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Speaker 1: I was going to say, she bounds out of bed
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Speaker 1: and she puts on the likry and she's like, let's go.
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Speaker 2: And there's energy to her that we haven't seen in
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Speaker 2: a really long time. Yeah, And so she kind of
5:28
Speaker 2: she finished of her activity for the morning and she
5:31
Speaker 2: looked at me and she said, oh, this is just
5:33
Speaker 2: such a waste of time.
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Speaker 1: And I I yeah, because she hadn't gone for a
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Speaker 1: ride that day, had a low mood.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, And I was like, what's going on? Did something
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Speaker 2: happen at class or and She's like no, And I said,
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Speaker 2: tell me more about this, and she like she just
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Speaker 2: she couldn't tell me anything. And finally I said, I
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Speaker 2: find it curious. I said, every morning you've ridden, I said,
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Speaker 2: you've really enjoyed yourself. And I said, but today, the
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Speaker 2: one morning you're not writing, is different. And I said,
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Speaker 2: I think your body's really enjoying moving your body and
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Speaker 2: receiving those beautiful happy hormones, those endorphins that just fill
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Speaker 2: you with delight and joy, and it's given you the
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Speaker 2: capacity to get through the day with a bouncing your step.
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Speaker 1: So there are a couple of things that I want
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Speaker 1: to pop in here as it take our message. The
6:18
Speaker 1: first is that exercise is not actually known as a
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Speaker 1: happiness booster, but what it does do is it reduces
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Speaker 1: depression and anxiety symptoms. So people think that exercise makes
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Speaker 1: you happy, and it does. It gives you a little
6:28
Speaker 1: bit of a boost, but What it does more than
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Speaker 1: anything is it pushes away the negative low mood, and
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Speaker 1: I think that that's a really important distinction. But also
6:37
Speaker 1: it's a really big win because if you want to
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Speaker 1: feel good in your body and look in your body,
6:42
Speaker 1: exercising will help you too just feel good as a
6:46
Speaker 1: result of taking away those negative elements emotionally. But secondly,
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Speaker 1: it's worth highlighting resilience is relational. If she wasn't writing
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Speaker 1: with us, she wouldn't write at all. Oh no, there's
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Speaker 1: no way that's not going to happen.
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Speaker 2: She actually loves the fact because she's on my bike. Yes,
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Speaker 2: she loves riding away from me and leaving me for dead.
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Speaker 1: She thinks that's the best. She loves the competitive element
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Speaker 1: and the feeling of competence. There's that basic psychological need. Again,
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Speaker 1: she's choosing to do it. So I'm choosing to do
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Speaker 1: this thing. I'm doing a pretty decent job of it,
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Speaker 1: and I'm doing it with people that I love.
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Speaker 2: Smashing Mum definitely on her list.
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Speaker 1: So that's my odd A better tomorrow, sit down with
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Speaker 1: the kids and have conversations with them about why it matters,
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Speaker 1: what it really means, and how to become the person
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Speaker 1: who does it rather than try to hit some goal,
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Speaker 1: because once you hit the goal, you relax and you
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Speaker 1: stop doing it again. After the break, missus Happy Families
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Speaker 1: Saves Someone's like more. Next you're back, It's the Happy
7:45
Speaker 1: Family's Podcast. Okay, Kylie, let's hear how you have literally
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Speaker 1: changed a family, changed a life.
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Speaker 2: I feel really uncomfortable with that intro. I just it's true.
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Speaker 2: You get a conversation. From time to time, I get
8:00
Speaker 2: invited to go and speak at an event, and you.
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Speaker 1: Do such a great job.
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Speaker 2: I want here. I really enjoy it. At this particular event,
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Speaker 2: I caught up with a mum afterwards, and she was
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Speaker 2: reveling in the things that I shared and had a
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Speaker 2: really really strong opinion about some of the messages that
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Speaker 2: I promoted.
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Speaker 1: She thought you were awesome.
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Speaker 2: She did think I was awesome. I thought she was
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Speaker 2: pretty awesome too. But as part of that conversation, she
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Speaker 2: shared a bit about what was going on in her family.
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Speaker 2: Single mum with a teenage young teenage daughter and you know,
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Speaker 2: doing it doing it on her own, Like that's hard,
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Speaker 2: that's hard. I often feel like I'm doing it on
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Speaker 2: my own because you're not here physically here, but I've
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Speaker 2: always got you on the line, right, You're always you know.
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Speaker 1: I'm coming back a couple of days.
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Speaker 2: Yes, for me, the physical stuff is draining, but it's
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Speaker 2: the emotional stress that you get put under on a
8:58
Speaker 2: day to day basis as you try to carry your
9:01
Speaker 2: own weight, your own emotional weight, but that of your
9:05
Speaker 2: offsprings as well, and in our case that's time six, right,
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Speaker 2: And then you can put it at grand baby and
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Speaker 2: a son in Lauren, and it just grows and it's
9:14
Speaker 2: such a privilege, but it's also it also can feel
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Speaker 2: very brtisome. So I just I love that she is
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Speaker 2: doing so much good in her sphere. But as part
9:26
Speaker 2: of our conversation, she shared just some of the struggles
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Speaker 2: that her daughter was having. She wasn't doing really well
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Speaker 2: at school, really struggling with her friendship groups. And so
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Speaker 2: I just shed a bit about the decisions we had
9:37
Speaker 2: made in relation to our children, and I didn't think
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Speaker 2: anything of it. That was the end of the conversation.
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Speaker 2: We've had nothing to do with each other for more
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Speaker 2: than six months, and out of the blue, I received
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Speaker 2: a handwritten letter this week which has just touched me
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Speaker 2: to the core. And in that she just shared that
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Speaker 2: it was because of the conversation we had that she's started,
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Speaker 2: I guess, exploring a little bit more and getting more
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Speaker 2: curious with her daughter, and came to realize that she
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Speaker 2: had attempted to take her life multiple times in the
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Speaker 2: last twelve months, and that she was beyond miserable. She
10:16
Speaker 2: really just didn't want to be here. And one of
10:21
Speaker 2: the main things that stood out to her from our
10:23
Speaker 2: conversation was that we had wrestled with this idea of
10:28
Speaker 2: keeping our children in the school system, believing that convention
10:32
Speaker 2: suggests this is the best place for them to learn,
10:36
Speaker 2: and recognizing very quickly or very slowly, whichever way you
10:40
Speaker 2: want to look at it, that it actually wasn't for
10:42
Speaker 2: our kids, and choosing to go quite unconventional in so
10:48
Speaker 2: many ways and pull one of them out to homeschool,
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Speaker 2: and then choosing a very different structured learning system for
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Speaker 2: our fifteen year old has made such a difference to our.
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Speaker 1: We're not sponsored and we don't get anything for saying it,
11:03
Speaker 1: but number one, we've loved homeschooling the youngest, and number
11:05
Speaker 1: two the Industry School. While every school has its challenges,
11:08
Speaker 1: the Industry School is a Southeast Queensland school, but they're
11:12
Speaker 1: opening some other campuses around the country. As having a
11:15
Speaker 1: chat with the principle of the local one here and
11:17
Speaker 1: he's heading off to Melbourne soon. Amazing, amazing experience that
11:21
Speaker 1: our children have had as a result of what this
11:23
Speaker 1: school does.
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Speaker 2: And so if I was to kind of round out
11:27
Speaker 2: this whole thinking process that's going through my mind at
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Speaker 2: the moment. So often as parents we make decisions and
11:33
Speaker 2: we think we're trapped by those decisions. I put my
11:36
Speaker 2: child into the best school in the neighborhood. Literally, therefore
11:41
Speaker 2: there is nowhere else for me to go. Where do
11:44
Speaker 2: you go once you've had the best?
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Speaker 1: Like if they can't help me, who can?
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Speaker 2: But the good news story is you get to Jews, right,
11:51
Speaker 2: you actually get to Jews. So if something's not working,
11:55
Speaker 2: then what's the definition of insanity?
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Speaker 1: You're doing the same thing over and over and over again,
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Speaker 1: but expecting a different result. I think was Einstein who
12:03
Speaker 1: said that, I.
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Speaker 2: Think so often we get trapped in that, right, we
12:07
Speaker 2: just keep doing the same thing, hoping and praying that
12:09
Speaker 2: it's going to get better. But in this situation, this mum,
12:13
Speaker 2: based on our conversation, she decided to do something quite
12:15
Speaker 2: radical and she pulled her daughter out of her very
12:18
Speaker 2: very expensive private school, and she kept looking until she
12:24
Speaker 2: found a fit for her daughter. And she managed to
12:27
Speaker 2: find a really, really niche little school that deals specifically
12:32
Speaker 2: with some of the challenges that her daughter has been
12:34
Speaker 2: dealing with. And I just feel so grateful for an
12:37
Speaker 2: opportunity to connect with somebody and shared just a little
12:41
Speaker 2: bit of our story and unintentionally make a massive difference
12:47
Speaker 2: in their lives.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, So, I mean, I'm listening to what you're saying.
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Speaker 1: In number one, you've had the conversation which gives the
12:53
Speaker 1: parent the courage to have a chat with their daughter
12:56
Speaker 1: I only to find out other things are far worse
12:57
Speaker 1: than they thought that they're literally the worst things that
13:01
Speaker 1: you can imagine going on in her life, and she's
13:04
Speaker 1: now got to confront that and respond to it. So
13:07
Speaker 1: that's the first thing that you've done potentially possibly almost
13:11
Speaker 1: certainly actually saved the life here. But secondly, you've given
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Speaker 1: this mum the courage to say, Okay, so this very
13:18
Speaker 1: expensive option that we would consider to be the premium
13:21
Speaker 1: platinum as good as it gets option is not really working,
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Speaker 1: and we need to rewrite the rules of the game.
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Speaker 1: We need to come up with a new game to play,
13:29
Speaker 1: and she had the courage to do that, and so
13:30
Speaker 1: many people won't like that. There's that fixed view. I
13:33
Speaker 1: have to do this because it's the best and if
13:35
Speaker 1: this doesn't work, nothing else will. It's not true. It's
13:37
Speaker 1: not true. And she's discovered that. And now based on
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Speaker 1: the letter that you received, this handwritten letter, I love
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Speaker 1: that mum and child are both doing way, way, way better.
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Speaker 2: I think she's been very generous and suggesting that I
13:52
Speaker 2: have done anything.
13:54
Speaker 1: But that conversation you had does help, right, That's.
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Speaker 2: Why ultimately it comes down to being able to act
14:01
Speaker 2: when things aren't working right. The only way we change
14:05
Speaker 2: it is by acting. Yeah, right, we actually have to act.
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Speaker 2: We can have all the good conversations in the world,
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Speaker 2: but unless we take courage and act, nothing changes.
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Speaker 1: But it's still easy to act. I own I said
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Speaker 1: it in my older bit tomorrow. Resilience is relational. It's
14:20
Speaker 1: easy to act when you've got somebody at your side
14:22
Speaker 1: saying you got this, I believe in you. Let's try this,
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Speaker 1: I mean, And that's what you've done. Such an important thing.
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Speaker 1: And I hope that this gives parents who are struggling
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Speaker 1: the courage to push your head, especially when there are
14:34
Speaker 1: so many people who are really genuinely struggling with so
14:37
Speaker 1: many things. The Happy Families podcasts will be back on Monday.
14:40
Speaker 1: Thanks so much for listening. We love that you join
14:42
Speaker 1: us every week and we can't wait to share more
14:44
Speaker 1: once the weekend is done. Have a great weekend. Thanks
14:46
Speaker 1: so much to Justin rule On from Bridge Media who
14:49
Speaker 1: produces the podcast, a Memhammonds who provides admin support. For
14:52
Speaker 1: more info on resources, check out Happy families dot com
14:56
Speaker 1: dot au, including our ADHD a parents of course, mm
15:08
Speaker 1: hmm