Latest / The Ben Maller Show / The Fifth Hour: Levitating with Benny Radio

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The Fifth Hour: Levitating with Benny Radio · The Ben Maller Show

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  Speaker 1: Kaboom if you thought four hours a day 1200 minutes
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: a week was enough think again he's the last remnants
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  Speaker 1: of the old republic a sole bastion of fairness he
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  Speaker 1: treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
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  Speaker 1: rich pill poppers in the penthouse wow the clearinghouse of
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  Speaker 1: hot takes break free for something special the fifth hour
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  Speaker 1: with ben maller starts right now In the air everywhere.
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  Speaker 2: The Fifth Hour with me, Ben Maller, and you. We
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  Speaker 2: are together again. Happy Friday to you. It is the
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  Speaker 2: ninth day of October, and we thank you for being
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  Speaker 2: part of the 1%. There's a lot of people that
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  Speaker 2: listen to the radio show that are part of the
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  Speaker 2: radio show, but the 1%ers, the real P1s, are locked
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  Speaker 2: in right here. On the Fifth Hour Podcast, it is
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  Speaker 2: the 284th day of the year, we are told, which
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: means there are just 83 days left. And then we
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: move on to 2027, 41st week of the year. And
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  Speaker 2: on this podcast, we have the brush with greatness. And
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: what's your emergency? What? But we'll begin with this. It
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: happened yesterday. again again what is it what happened again
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  Speaker 2: so a friend of mine became an international social media
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  Speaker 2: sensation allegedly tried to romance one of the biggest pop
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  Speaker 2: stars on the planet and somehow i got dragged in
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  Speaker 2: the middle of it the remarkable part my friend had
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  Speaker 2: absolutely no idea that what he was doing, and who
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  Speaker 2: the woman was. Nun. Zippo. Squadouche. Which, frankly, is the
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  Speaker 2: kind of blissful ignorance that I aspire to achieve in
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  Speaker 2: my life. And the whole thing started in the boogie-down
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  Speaker 2: Bronx because I was watching the New York Yankees get
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  Speaker 2: swept out of the postseason by the Tampa Bay Rays
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  Speaker 2: the other day. Keep in mind, I'm minding my own business.
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: I'm minding my own business, which at this stage of
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  Speaker 2: my life is pretty much my occupation. Sitting on the sofa,
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  Speaker 2: enjoying a meal that I had put together, some homemade
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  Speaker 2: crunchy tacos. Yum, yum to my tum-tum. Gringo tacos is
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  Speaker 2: my late friend Alex. Double overtime, we used to call him.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: He loved going to games so much, he wanted every
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  Speaker 2: basketball game to go to double overtime. So we'd give
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  Speaker 2: him the nickname Gringo. Double overtime, and he was one
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  Speaker 2: of my good friends. And I told him, I said, listen,
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  Speaker 2: I don't like those soft tacos. I like the crunchy tacos.
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  Speaker 2: And so we went back and forth, and he would
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  Speaker 2: goof on me. And I said, no, I want the
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  Speaker 2: ground beef. I want the crunchy shell, deep fried, cheese.
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  Speaker 2: I'll even put some lettuce on there. Don't tell anybody.
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  Speaker 2: Somewhere in Guadalajara, I'm sure there's a Mexican babushka who
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  Speaker 2: was very upset to hear that I was eating crunchy
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  Speaker 2: tacos and liked my crunchy tacos. Anyway. They were delicious,
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  Speaker 2: by the way. And I want to thank the people
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  Speaker 2: over at Tito's Tacos in L.A. I loved Tito's Tacos.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: I used to go there all the time. And it
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  Speaker 2: was my go-to spot. And they kept raising the price.
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  Speaker 2: And it got to the point where it was ridiculous.
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  Speaker 2: So I was like, all right, let's make them at home.
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: And I figured out and got some stuff to help
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  Speaker 2: make the tacos. And it was all good. All good.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: So I don't mind. I don't mind futzing around in
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  Speaker 2: the kitchen. Anyway, so I was preparing... for another overnight
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: radio show, enjoying the Yankees' annual tradition, October humiliation, when
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  Speaker 2: I spotted a familiar face behind home plate. The man,
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  Speaker 2: the myth, the legend, Marlins man. Now, for the uninitiated,
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: and if you're listening to this podcast, most likely you
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: are part of the family, there might be a few
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  Speaker 2: straddlers in the back that are not familiar with with
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  Speaker 2: the one and only Marlins man, who is my friend Lawrence.
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  Speaker 2: He's a very successful attorney based in Miami. He has
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  Speaker 2: law offices in other cities. He's a longtime listener to
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  Speaker 2: the Ben Maller Show and somebody that we've mentioned on
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  Speaker 2: this podcast multiple times over the years, most recently. It
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  Speaker 2: was a situation with sports with Coleman at an Oriole-Yankee game,
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: this being a Yankee-Rays game, a playoff game. We actually
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  Speaker 2: became friends, me and Marlon's man, because of the radio show.
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  Speaker 2: How cool is that? So Lawrence, which is his real name,
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  Speaker 2: he's also something of a celebrity, quasi-celebrity in the sports world,
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  Speaker 2: not because he hits home runs or throws touchdowns or
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  Speaker 2: has whirlwind hammer dunks. but because he seemingly attends every
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  Speaker 2: major sporting event in America wearing the same unmistakable neon
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  Speaker 2: Miami Marlins orange jersey. World Series, check. Marlins jersey. NBA Finals, check, check.
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  Speaker 2: He's there. Possible funeral. I would not rule it out.
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  Speaker 2: He has become, in many ways, the Forrest Gump of
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  Speaker 2: expensive seats at sporting events. Except Forrest Gump, we believe,
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  Speaker 2: occasionally changed clothes. And on this particular evening, Lawrence was
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  Speaker 2: impossible to miss. The color pop. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
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  Speaker 2: The beacon effect. The human highlighter. He looked like a
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  Speaker 2: traffic cone, a bright orange traffic cone in a sea
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  Speaker 2: of charcoal. The only orange crayon remaining in a black
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  Speaker 2: and white photograph. I sent him a couple of messages,
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  Speaker 2: and I figured... That would be the end of it.
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  Speaker 2: Early on, I always flip on a game, says Marlins
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  Speaker 2: man there. I don't know where he is. Where in
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  Speaker 2: the world's Marlins man? Well, he happened to be at
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  Speaker 2: the game, so I sent him a few messages. And,
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  Speaker 2: of course, he was. He was there. I wasn't. I'm
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  Speaker 2: sending it home. But apparently in 2026... You cannot watch
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  Speaker 2: a baseball game without being dragged into some kind of
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: international pop culture incident. So midway through the game, my
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  Speaker 2: phone starts buzzing. Now, keep in mind, I got my laptop.
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: I was eating. I had my computer. I got my phone.
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  Speaker 2: I've got the game on. I'm watching the game. And
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: I had the audio up for some reason. I was
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  Speaker 2: listening to the announcers. So I'm doing this. I normally
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: have the audio on mute. And I get a text message.
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  Speaker 2: And then I get a note. My phone starts buzzing.
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  Speaker 2: And some of the people here are people I work
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  Speaker 2: with in radio, my colleagues, people I used to work with,
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  Speaker 2: and people who apparently have nothing better to do than
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: to monitor the adventures of a 60-something celebrity fan attending
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  Speaker 2: a baseball game with some random woman, which turned out
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  Speaker 2: not to be a random woman. And I was getting messages, hey,
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  Speaker 2: your boy Marlon's man is levitating. Your buddy is hotter
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  Speaker 2: than hell. If you know, you know. Did you see
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  Speaker 2: what Marlon's man did? I thought, all right, come on.
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  Speaker 2: I just texted him a few minutes ago. I'm sure
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  Speaker 2: it's nothing. Don't start now. What are you people talking about?
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  Speaker 2: And more importantly, why are you bothering me while I'm
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: trying to eat and get ready for the show? I
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  Speaker 2: have a longstanding personal policy, a malar policy of not
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  Speaker 2: caring much about things that don't directly affect my ability
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  Speaker 2: to consume my one meal a day, watch sports, and
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  Speaker 2: occasionally sleep. It is a policy that has served me
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  Speaker 2: reasonably well, although you'd have to check with my wife.
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  Speaker 2: She might disagree. So then another message arrived, and another one.
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  Speaker 2: So apparently, my friend Marlon's man— I say friend. We text
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  Speaker 2: a lot. I see him occasionally when he comes to L.A.
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  Speaker 2: But apparently Marlon's man was trending on social media because
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  Speaker 2: according to the Internet detectives, he's— Apparently, he's out there
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  Speaker 2: futzing around, shooting his shot with Dua Lipa.
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  Speaker 1: What?
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  Speaker 2: Yes, that Dua Lipa, the internationally famous pop star, the
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  Speaker 2: London-born disco dance diva, the woman who has sold millions
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  Speaker 2: and millions of records and picked up all kinds of accolades.
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  Speaker 2: The streaming numbers are through the roof. The streaming numbers
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  Speaker 2: are big enough to make the national debt look manageable.
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  Speaker 2: And there she is. And my friend Lawrence was somehow involved. Now, naturally,
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  Speaker 2: I assumed initially this was nonsense. The Internet is a
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  Speaker 2: wonderful place to learn that everything you've ever believed in
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  Speaker 2: your life, including things that are actually correct, are not correct.
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  Speaker 2: It's like AI. It's this. It's just Google it. So
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  Speaker 2: I text Lawrence again. And he texts me right back.
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  Speaker 2: It turns out that my friends were not hallucinating. There
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  Speaker 2: he was sitting behind home plate right next to Dua
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  Speaker 2: Lipa and her husband. And now here's the remarkable part
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  Speaker 2: of this whole story. My friend Lawrence had absolutely no
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  Speaker 2: idea who these people were. Zero. He didn't know. To him,
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  Speaker 2: they were just a pleasant young couple in their 30s
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  Speaker 2: at a baseball game. Which, when you think about it,
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  Speaker 2: is rather refreshing. I would imagine being Dua Lipa, you
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  Speaker 2: are constantly hammered by a-holes and schmucks and people that
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  Speaker 2: are rude. They're trying to be nice, but they're rude.
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  Speaker 2: Most people, I would think, encountering a musician that has
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  Speaker 2: had as much success as Dua Lipa, would immediately reach
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  Speaker 2: for their phones, say, hey, can I get a selfie?
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  Speaker 2: Or attempt to explain that, oh, I've been a lifelong
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  Speaker 2: fan since last Thursday. Now, Lawrence, he was the antithesis
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  Speaker 2: of that. He was just being Lawrence, chatting, very chatty
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  Speaker 2: with the people around him in the VIP section. A
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  Speaker 2: few weeks ago, he sent me some images of him
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  Speaker 2: and Bad Bunny. Now it's Dua Lipa just enjoying the game,
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  Speaker 2: possibly wondering whether these nice young people knew where to
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  Speaker 2: find a decent hot dog and where the top snack
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  Speaker 2: bars are at Yankee Stadium. Of course, when you sit
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  Speaker 2: behind a plate, you don't have to worry about that.
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  Speaker 2: Everything's taken care of. So he had unknowingly wandered into
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  Speaker 2: the gravitational field, Marlins man, of one of the biggest
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  Speaker 2: music stars on the planet, and the internet was watching
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  Speaker 2: all this play out, lost its collective mind. And this
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  Speaker 2: is what passes for modern zeitgeist. A man talks to
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  Speaker 2: a woman at a baseball game, and suddenly we're covering
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  Speaker 2: it like he's signing the Treaty of Versailles. Breaking news,
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  Speaker 2: man speaks to woman. Woman happens to be famous, man unaware,
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  Speaker 2: Civilization Teeters video at 11. Meanwhile, the Yankees were being eliminated,
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  Speaker 2: getting spanked from the postseason. And that used to qualify
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  Speaker 2: as newsworthy in certain parts of New York. Now you're
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  Speaker 2: just numb to it. That's what the Yankees do this
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  Speaker 2: time of the year. But it didn't matter. The bigger
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  Speaker 2: story was Lawrence, a.k.a. Marlins man, and Dua Lipa. Now,
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  Speaker 2: I should confess something. I am not exactly the target
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  Speaker 2: demographic for Dua Lipa. I am lacking the music gene,
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  Speaker 2: much like Marlon's man. I know who Dua Lipa is.
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  Speaker 2: I've heard some of her songs. However, my musical tastes
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  Speaker 2: are largely confined to songs that were recorded when people
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: still purchased albums and musicians occasionally played instruments that required electricity,
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: but not software updates. You know what I'm saying on that?
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: My man Johnny Cash, etc. Nevertheless, even I know who
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  Speaker 2: Dua Lipa is, and she has been an international superstar
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: since the assholes were cheating in the 2017 World Series.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: Her song Levitating spent, what, 77 weeks or something like
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: that on the Billboard Hot 100? That's a long run.
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: That's longer. 77 weeks is longer than some marriages most
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: TV sitcoms, although I don't think it was longer than
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: Benny vs. the Penny. I do know it was approximately
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: 76 weeks longer than my attention span. So Levitating did
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: reach number two on the Hot 100. So did Don't
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: Start Now, which incidentally is also what I say whenever
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: somebody attempts to explain the latest controversy on social media.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: I'm like, hey, listen, don't start now. All right, listen,
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  Speaker 2: I don't want to hear about it. I'm on there
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: during the show. That's it. Please. Now, here's another fact
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  Speaker 2: that surprised me. Dua Lipa is her actual name, not
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: a stage name, not something invented by a marketing consultant
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: sitting in a conference room in Manhattan. 12 other executives
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  Speaker 2: in a bowl of complimentary breath mints. Dua Lipa is
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  Speaker 2: the name. That's what her mama and daddy gave her.
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  Speaker 2: That's the name. And I assumed that it was just
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  Speaker 2: some kind of show business creation like Lady Gaga or Sting.
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: But no, she came out of the womb with a
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: name perfectly suited for international stardom. Now, some people win
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: the branding lottery before they can walk. I was given
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: a perfectly ordinary name and eventually became a man who
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: talks about bad football teams in the middle of the night,
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: in the middle of the night. So life is not
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: always fair. You just make the most of what you got.
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: And that brings us to the strangest part of this
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: whole episode involving Marlins, man. So there I was sitting
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: on my sofa in Southern California watching a baseball game
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: with Moxie, my beloved dog, my friend sitting thousands of
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: miles away in the Bronx at Yankee Stadium, completely unaware
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: that he was sharing elbow room with a global celebrity.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: So one minute I'm enjoying the Yankees' demise. The next
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: I'm receiving breathless updates from random friends of mine, and
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: they were all excited about the unexpected appearance of of
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: Dua Lipa in her universe. I'll tell you. The fact
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: that some of you people watch these games and you're like,
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: who's in the crowd? Let me see who's in the crowd.
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: Who's sitting near Marlins man? I look to see Marlins
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: man where he is and that's it. I'm not examining
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: doing facial recognition on who the other people are. I'm
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: not doing that. It's just amusing to me that somehow
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: because of people knowing I do chat with Lawrence, a.k.a. Marlinsman,
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  Speaker 2: I got dragged into this Dua Lipa universe. Forget Kevin Bacon,
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: six degrees of separation. Suddenly, I am one person removed
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: from a world-famous musician. One degree of separation. Not that
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  Speaker 2: it does me any good. I do not expect Dua
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  Speaker 2: Lipa to call and ask, hey, whether Maller can collaborate
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: on my next album. I'd like to do a collab
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: with Maller and the Fifth Hour. Yeah, sure, Dua Lipa.
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: Whatever you want. Now, if he is looking for somebody
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: to provide spoken word commentary about the Las Vegas Raiders'
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: cream puff schedule, I am flexible. And I suppose that
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: is the lesson here. Fame... a rather peculiar thing. It's
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: just an odd thing, right? Millions of people recognize Dua Lipa.
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: They know her music. But sit her next to Marlins man,
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: and she's just another person. They're just another couple, a
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: young couple, enjoying America's pastime. Meanwhile, millions of baseball fans...
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: immediately recognize the orange jersey Marlins man, because he attends
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: seemingly every major sporting event in North America. Just a
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: couple celebrities in completely different celebrity universes sitting next to
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: one another. One makes hit records, the other attends baseball games.
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: And I know the baseball guy, which tells you everything,
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: everything you need to know about my place in the
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: food chain of celebrity. I am buried down near the mushrooms,
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: under the cover of darkness. Either way. I know we're
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: a couple days removed from this, but the Yankees are
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: still eliminated. The Yankees are dead. The Yankees are dead.
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: I need somebody to be the Boston hater of the
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: Yankees and call up and say, Oh, Yankees suck! Yankees suck! Anyway,
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: the Yankees are out, and so some things in life
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: remain beautiful, beautiful. Meanwhile, 9-1-1, what's your emergency? Those are,
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: I believe, what, one, two, three, four. I think those
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: are four words, 9-1-1. What's your emergency? Yeah, four words.
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  Speaker 2: Those are four words you never want to hear. That
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: is my wife's world, not mine. That's not my world.
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: My wife works in an emergency dispatch center, and that
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: means that when some pyro goes out and burns a building,
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: she handles that. She handles the fires. Emergency of the
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: medical type, she gets those calls, has to take care
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: of that, send that to the medical people. Accidents... Lunatics
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: doing things so stupid that they require government intervention. She
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: deals with chaos. I deal with random fanboys in the NFL.
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: Two different professions. And this week, those worlds collided, literally.
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: Yours truly almost missed the beginnings of my radio show,
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: not because of a cockroach getting in the car, because
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: the 101 freeway, the infamous 101 freeway, which turns into
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: a water park when we get even a little rain
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: in SoCal, the 101 freeway in Hollywood had apparently become
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: the Autobahn without my permission. Nobody reached out to me, said, hey, Maller,
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: next Wednesday, we're going to make that the Autobahn. I
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: didn't know that. Shouldn't you let people know you're going
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: to make a highway, the Autobahn? I would have awarded
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: the Autobahn, but they didn't let me know. They didn't
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: ask for my permission. So I'm heading to work. I'm
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: minding my business, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: seemingly paying my taxes, getting gouged for gas and just
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: about everything else, trying to avoid becoming a hood ornament. Now,
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: is that unreasonable? Apparently, the answer is capital Y, yes. Suddenly,
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: I am an unpaid extra in the fast and furious.
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: No Vin Diesel, no Dwayne Johnson, no John Cena, although
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: you can't see John Cena. My Hollywood commute. It is
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: already a white-knuckle experience at this point. You don't need
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: Red Bull. There's no need for Red Bull. The traffic
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: provides enough adrenaline. So I'm cruising along, and in between
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: Santa Monica Boulevard and Sunset, if you're familiar with the area,
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: there's medium traffic. It's not moving as fast as I
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: would like. It's not that slow. It's just not fast enough.
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: It's like that Salt Lake traffic break, you know, where
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: everyone's kind of riding the same speed, and it creates
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: this traffic problem. So that's going on. And suddenly, one
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: of the cars got over, and then that opened the
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: path for a car to fly past me. Zoom, zoom.
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: Then another one. Zoom, zoom, zoom. And I'm like, wait
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: a minute. We got not one, but two geniuses apparently racing.
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: They're zigzagging through traffic like they They're playing Grand Theft Auto,
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: except I hate to spoil you, or I hate to
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: be the spoiler, there is no reset button. Yeah, in
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: real life, that doesn't happen. So I'm thinking, like, what
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: are these people thinking? And then kerfooey! Boom goes the dynamite.
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: So the roller coaster became a sparkler. Sparks were flying.
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: Metal was crunching. Absolute chaos. Chaos on the paved road. Now,
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: one of these wannabe race car drivers apparently decided to
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: change lanes without enough room. Now, that does not seem
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: like a smart move to this particular bloviating gas bag.
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: Not enough space. Not enough brains. So he slams in
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: to an innocent motorist, this guy, triggering a chain reaction
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: involving another vehicle. And so I was like, well, congratulations, morons.
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: What was the prize? A trip to the Chop Shop,
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: a trophy, a ribbon, free mozzarella sticks from Applebee's or
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: All You Can Eat Endless Fries at Red Robin. I
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: don't know. You've caused a multi-car accident. And the Incident
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: is happening. And this is like innocent people. Like somebody's
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: just trying to get home or go to the store.
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: And suddenly their evening is wrecked. And they're stuck in
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: this insurance nightmare situation. Outrageous. So anyway, the accident happens. Fireworks, sparks,
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: the whole thing. And the traffic stops immediately. All lanes.
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: Because there's stuff everywhere. So I stop, and immediately what
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: I did is I start checking my rearview mirror. I
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: know how this happens. I know how this ends. So
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: I'm checking my rearview mirror, and I'm like, okay, what's next?
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: Is somebody going to slam into the back of my
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: car at 85 miles an hour? Well, fortunately, no. However,
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: now there's another emergency. I've got a radio show. I
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: have a network radio show. So the microphones, I don't
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: know if you know about this, They don't care about traffic.
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: The affiliates aren't waiting around. The clock does not offer
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: any kind of sympathy. So tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: And I activate my inner Magellan at this particular point.
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: I'm surveying the wreckage. I'm looking at the clock. And
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: I'm also trying to figure out an escape portal. I
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: wanted to enter the portal. How do I get into
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: the portal? So all this is going on, and then suddenly... Daylight. Well,
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: of course, not actual daylight because I was driving at night.
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: I'm talking about football daylight. Think of me like Bajon
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: Robinson of the Dirty Birds, reading the defensive line, read
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: and react. There's a gap. There's a gap. Now, once
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: it's clear, I carefully maneuver around the wreckage, avoiding the debris.
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: I may or may not have driven in the emergency road.
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: And I made sure not to turn my tires into
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: shredded wheat running over the glass and the pieces of
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: the metal that were on the road. And somehow I escaped.
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: And I continued on my merry way. La, la, la, la, la, la, la.
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: And now comes the twist. So I make it past
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: the crash site. And I'm zooming down the road. Here
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: we go, zooming down the road. <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> <HAL> Well,
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: I try to be an upstanding citizen. I called 911.
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: That's right, the number my wife deals with professionally. Suddenly,
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: I'm the caller. Now, I report the collision, explain what happened,
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: and provide the location. Afterwards, I text my wife, hey,
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: I just talked to your people. and her world invaded
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: my world, and here's what bothers me. So this was
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: completely unnecessary. This is not caused by an earthquake or
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: a meteor shower, no act of God. It was an
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: act of stupidity, capital S, stupidity. Two drivers who appeared
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: to be in their early 20s apparently decided their entertainment
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: mattered more Then everyone else is safety. And for what?
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: What are they going to save? 12 seconds? Maybe they're
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: making a TikTok video. We've got a lot of traffic
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: rules and regulations. You've got to go to driver's education.
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: There's speed limits and all that. Apparently, common sense is
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: an optional piece of equipment. Now, obviously, I made it
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: to work. I wasn't late. The show went on. The
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: show continued. My wife handles genuine emergencies, and I'm out
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: there trying to figure out quarterback drama-o-rama in Atlanta. So
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: usually my job seems more ridiculous. Not anymore. Tomorrow, you know,
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: when I go back to, well, tomorrow, today's Friday, so
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: when I go back on Sunday night, I'll be on
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: the same commute, the same circus. But I've already completed
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: my stunt work for, was it Fast and Furious 47,
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: Hollywood Highway Hooligans, coming to the big screen near you,
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: and to think I did not even get paid. I
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: should have gotten at least a little bit of a stipend.
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: I did not. So 911, what's your emergency? I just
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: want to get to work without becoming a crash test dummy.
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: That's all I want. Is that too much to ask? Yes,
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: it's way too much. You can't do that. What's wrong?
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: Have you lost your mind? No, I just literally, that's
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: all I want to do. I just want to get
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: to work, and that's it. And no, what's wrong? I
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: just said there's nothing wrong. All right, on that note,
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: if you would like to send a message, the mailbag
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: is on Sunday. It's been very popular. You guys have
• 27:33
  Speaker 2: been great. We've been getting more mail than we've gotten ever,
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: which is, I guess, because of the random celebrity callers
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: that have partaked. I'm not sure why exactly. And I'm happy.
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: That's a good sign. Doesn't mean anything other than it
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: makes me feel like the show's doing better getting that
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: kind of feedback. So you guys have been great. If
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: you'd like to send in a question, a correspondence in,
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: send it care of realfifthouratgmail.com. That's realfifthouratgmail.com. Name and city,
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: name and city, if you would like. And that way
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: we'll give you a little credit. And it'll be wonderful.
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: Just absolutely freaking wonderful, right? Yes, I know. So that'll
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: be on Sunday. We have another podcast tomorrow. We have
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: not double confirmed who's going to be on the mailbag
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: for Sunday, by the way. Some of you said, hey,
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: can you let us know who's going to be on
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: the mail? I don't know yet. I know who has
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: said they want to do it. I will go through
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: the phone list, the big board, and try to figure
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: out who is required. But I don't know. We'll let
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: you know. I promise I will let you know. On
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: that note, have a great rest of your Friday and
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: enjoy the sports festivus. There's not much going on today
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: in the sporting world, but there will be college football
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: and some other random things to check out. So make
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: sure to do that. Have a great Saturday. Tomorrow we'll
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: be here with another podcast and then the mailbag on Sunday.
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: And as Dick and Dayton would say, bye-bye, bye-bye.