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81: Shedding Societal Expectations & Rediscovering Your True Self w/ Erica Lippy · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  This episode is sponsored by National Technology Management. Visit trustntm.com for more information. I'm Kelly Siegel, and this is Harder Than Life, a podcast about self-love, self-awareness, business, and health. We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple, practical advice you can start using today. Let's get living.
• 0:21
  Welcome to another empowering episode of Harder Than Life. Today, we have the incredible Erica Lippe joining us, a beacon of light in the world of personal development and wellness. Erica is not only an integrative life and wellness coach, but also the host of the globally renowned Passion Love Pursuit podcast.
• 0:38
  With her infectious energy and unwavering commitment to helping women reconnect with their inner radiance, Erica is here to share her wisdom on mastering oneself, rediscovering passion and purpose, and living life with unparalleled enthusiasm. Get ready to be inspired, uplifted, and filled with positivity as we delve into the meaningful conversations with the one and only Erica Lippe. Thank you so much, Kelly. Thank you for bringing me on your show. I'm absolutely honored. Thank you.
• 1:06
  I'm going to start off with your life is the playbook for what any young lady, before we hit record, I will share with the audience that I brought my 15 year old daughter in to meet you because I like her to meet powerful, inspirational, inspirational,
• 1:23
  women that have not always been that way because most of us haven't. That's what the harder than life journey is all about. And that's what we want to do. So we're going to deep dive into your story, how you're winning massively and how,
• 1:37
  the great joys that come from your life from making heart of the life decisions. So let's start off with one of the things you put on your, your bio was reconnecting to your authentic self, which I just, once you're authentic, you're, you're unstoppable. So what inspired you to focus your work on helping women reconnect with their authentic, authentic self?
• 2:00
  That's such a perfect question. And honestly, I think because that is the foundation of attracting, giving and receiving anything in life. And I think so many of us as we go through this journey in life, like there are so many things that come in that pull us further away from who we are because we...
• 2:19
  So many of us seek outside validation. We grow up this way because it's a need to feel like we belong, accepted, loved, and we try to fit in. And by us trying to fit in, we tend to wear these masks that actually hide more of who we truly are.
• 2:36
  And so, you know, going back to my journey, when I discovered that I wasn't really being authentically who I was, was through a lot of pain, a lot of, obviously, a lot of breakdowns, trials and tribulations and all that. But I just realized that I had this, I kind of call it a facade. Like I thought I really loved myself. I thought I really, you know...
• 3:03
  uh, embodied the self-worth. I thought that, you know, I had all these values and, you know, I thought I had it all there. I thought I respected myself, but then I was faced with the same thing happening over and over. And finally it hit me like a ton of bricks. And I'm like, okay, enough is enough. Like, why does this keep on happening? And we could go deeper in my story, but basically that's when I turned the mirror on myself and I'm like, okay,
• 3:28
  Obviously, I'm the common denominator in all these situations. So what is going on? What's wrong? What do I need to take responsibility for? And that's when I really discovered that all these ideas that I had about myself and embodying self-worth and self-confidence and loving myself, self-respect, all these words under the umbrella of self-love, I just realized you don't.
• 3:57
  And why don't you? And I was just starting to dissect that and, again, take that responsibility and looking at, you know, what needed to change and what stories did I need to rewrite? So that kind of – I guess that's my answer to that question. Yeah.
• 4:14
  You're not, first of all, if you're listening to this on Spotify or iTunes, you need to flip over to YouTube or at least go to Instagram and follow Erica Lippey. It's E-R-I-C-A-L-I-P-P-Y and see how beautiful she is inside and out as you get to know her. So I am a, you saw, I'm a girl dad. So I read all about what.
• 4:38
  women think. I've read all of Brene Brown's book. I read Jen Gottlieb's Be Seen. I read Jen Cohen's books. I'm reading right now Jamie Kern-Lima's Worthy. And people are like, why do you do that? Because I want to understand because I want to be best father I could possibly be.
• 4:55
  My assumption is that there was something in childhood that hadn't happened. So let's deep dive. I'm going to ask you to be vulnerable with the Heart of Life listeners because you kind of just glossed over the things you were doing. I want someone that's listening to this and looks and sees how beautiful you are and hears how successful you are and says, well, she was always like this.
• 5:16
  Deep, deep dive into what were some of the things you were doing to, what masks were you wearing? What things were you doing to sabotage? And then what did you do to heal?
• 5:28
  Yeah, absolutely. But first I must say, I really want to acknowledge and just celebrate you for taking initiative to learn more about women so that you could deeply understand your daughter and help her as a father. Because as you know, as we talked on offline, being a father is a big responsibility. And I think if because you're not a woman, you're not a woman.
• 5:48
  It's hard to understand really what women go through, especially emotionally, especially when they hit that stage in their life where they get the hormones going and all these things. There's a lot to it. Like, we're very complicated. So I commend you for taking the initiative to learn a little bit. Like, that's a big deal. So celebrate that. Thank you. I received that. I will tell you, yeah, I didn't...
• 6:11
  I just, I just wanted to break the cycle. I wanted to break the cycle of abuse and I didn't grow up that way. So I wanted to make sure that it was a good, I didn't come from a good family, but she's going to come, she's going to be one. Beautiful. I love that. So to answer your question, so you mentioned childhood and it's very interesting to me that I actually don't remember anything from, let's say 10 and younger. Yeah.
• 6:38
  And I don't know why, you know, some would say I've suppressed it. That's why I don't remember it. I don't think I had a bad childhood. So I don't think something profound happened to me. So that's my answer to that is like, I really don't think that was the pivotal moment.
• 6:54
  moments for me. I know it obviously informed some subconscious beliefs because we had that proven that that happens during those ages. But what really impacted me is actually I started dating very, very young. I started dating when I was 11.
• 7:10
  Um, and yes, I did have a serious relationship if you want to say for a year. Uh, but then, uh, the big thing that happened is at age 13, I dated somebody that was three years older. So, uh, I was 13, he was 16, we dated for 10 years. So that's quite a vast difference in age, especially when you're 13. I was in eighth grade, he was a junior and that relationship was.
• 7:38
  was very up and down. I, I was emotionally abused in that relationship. So I, he made me feel less than he made me feel stupid. There, there was just a lot that what I remember, it was just emotionally not a safe place. I just always felt less than him. And maybe it was because the age, the difference and all that. But what that did in my relationship was,
• 8:06
  is it just enforced this belief about myself that I was stupid because I had a learning disability when I was younger. So I already had that story. Like I'm not as smart as the other kids. I don't speak as well. My, my learning disability was an auditory memory disorder. So basically I couldn't retain, uh,
• 8:28
  short-term memory as well. So something that was auditory, it was very hard for me to retain that information. So I had this story that I was just stupid and then he reinforced it. And so I carried that forever with me that I didn't speak well. I can't remember things and, um,
• 8:47
  So that was formed. And then, you know, getting out of that relationship, I finally started to come in my own and discover more about myself because in that relationship, I was liking everything he liked. He liked guns. He likes cars. So I got a Mustang. I put a muffler on it. I shot guns. You know, like I did all the things because I was like, oh, I'm going to be like him, you know, whatever. And so at this young age, I was just so impressionable. And I was like,
• 9:17
  I didn't know myself. And I think, again, we're in this journey in life. We don't really know ourselves for many, many years. And we could discover new parts of ourselves. And that's really the journey of life, right? So talking about past beliefs and limitations I had on myself, I eventually got into a healthy relationship, I think, five years following that. And I was with him for five years as well. So long-term relationships.
• 9:45
  But that relationship was super loving and there was nothing per se bad about it. But there was one thing when it ended, I realized and I came to face like I loved him more than myself. So I started basically...
• 10:02
  rejecting myself in certain ways, like not honoring my needs and instead, you know, lifting up his needs more than mine. And so I just realized that the, the love I had for myself was just suppressed for so long. And, uh,
• 10:21
  Yeah, I just went on this journey of, you know, from there. I feel like, you know, as I talk about this, my biggest pain point was relationships. And I think because I seek to be loved and feel like I was enough for somebody else for so, so long, like for that to be validated. And yeah, and so I stumbled through, you know, relationships after that. And then, like I said, there was one experience where I really realized that, okay,
• 10:51
  I'm dating these people and it goes on really strong at first, but then it fizzles out really fast. So why is this happening? I'm like, I'm tired of getting the same thing happening over and over the same heartbreak. And that's when I finally decided to do the work on myself and take responsibility for my part and stop repeating the same cycle over and over. And then I
• 11:18
  Went deep and heavy into personal development and here I am. I love everything about you. And now that we've had many conversations, but this is good. I'm so grateful to have you on at this particular time. Your energy. And I want to, spoiler alert, you just recently got engaged. So this is a happy ending. Yes. And all the work worked.
• 11:43
  And we're going to deep dive into that. But I have a question. And I'm saying, I ask this with no judgment, and I love you for this. But first question I think that all the listeners want to know is, where were your parents at 11? Oh, okay. So when I was dating, when I first started dating. So they didn't know. Yeah. Actually, it's a...
• 12:06
  Yeah. Okay. So he was actually a neighbor. So this is the interesting thing is that he moved in next door to us. And funny enough, I have a sister that's two years older. So she liked him at first. And, you know, this is like, again, it's not like I was trying to go behind my sister and then that happened. But...
• 12:25
  she hung out with him. They didn't connect. And then somehow we connected. And because he lived next door, it was kind of like my parents accepted it because they knew the parents. They knew where I was. It wasn't like...
• 12:43
  I think they just accepted it and I was pretty rebellious at that time. So I would push back anyways. So, so that's where, yeah, I think because he was an extra neighbor, it kind of just, uh, yeah. Oh, so much. I just, I, it was no judgment. I just, it was, yeah. My daughter's 15 and I'm like, who are you with? What guy? And you know, every guy gets so afraid. Yeah.
• 13:11
  Let me tell you. Okay. So this makes me speak about this because I'm really passionate about teenagers, especially because at age, I think I was, I think I was 15 and a half. I attempted suicide and
• 13:27
  Honestly, a lot of my pain, as I kind of mentioned early on, came in relationships. So what led me to do that was the turmoil I was having and the emotions I was having in the relationship I was in. And so...
• 13:45
  At the age when you're a teenager, you are going through so many changes, so many pressures. So, you know, you're focusing like, how can I fit in? You know, do I matter? Do I belong? Like all these pressures. And then you add hormones. You just start your period. And then, you know, so there's so much being thrown at you. And then you take a relationship, especially with somebody that's older, you know,
• 14:11
  And it's so challenging because there's so many emotions you go through. And I, you know, I remember back when I was in high school, I went to codependent groups. I went to anger management groups, like, you know, just recalling like what I've done to kind of
• 14:28
  deal with myself and the pain I was going through in dealing with this relationship. I had, you know, severe depression. I went on antidepressants and obviously, like I said, attempted suicide. And so it, I get fearful. My fiance has also a daughter turning 15 soon. And, uh, recently we found out she was hanging out with somebody that was how many years older, like a few years older too. And I'm like, okay.
• 14:56
  You know, I think to myself, like, that's scary. Like, you have to, because when a boy is older, obviously they're thinking about other things. But I also, what's my fear is the emotions that come with that. And since I experience it so much myself, I think about that. Like, it's really hard, like, to get into dating at a young age because there's so much emotion that comes with that. So I'm very...
• 15:25
  It pulls on a string for me when I think about that because of the challenges I went through at that age. God, I love you. You just triggered me so much because I can see little Erica there trying to figure out life. And I got to tell this, I say this anytime I hear anything about suicide is you matter.
• 15:52
  and you are loved and there is options and people care. So you'd be very surprised how many people care. I didn't even know little Eric right there. And I would, anybody that's 15, anybody at any time, any place that's thinking about suicide, you can DM me and I will answer. Do you mind if we unpack that a little more? I sure because, okay, if any part of this gets
• 16:19
  I'm a big burly guy and I say stupid things. So if I say something that's inappropriate or not sensitive, just check me. But this is for the audience. Because there might be one of my, all of my daughter's friends follow me and I don't know if they listen, but if they do, I see the group chats. Nowadays, Erica, it's so much worse. Like if you don't, if they don't, if they're, if the group is ostracizing you,
• 16:46
  They delete you out of the group chat. So, you know, you don't even have to think. And they're just mean, mean. So if there's a 15 year old girl out there, let's, let's talk about what did you do to, in the attempt of taking your life? And then what did you, what did your parents or what, what should just walk me through a little bit more detail so people can identify with it and hopefully avoid it.
• 17:13
  Yeah. So I will, I will say this in full confidence. Mine was a complete cry for help. It was not like I'm going to take my life. I did put it this way. I, I, I took, I mean, I don't know, this is a sensitive topic, right? So sorry if I was comfortable with.
• 17:33
  But I took pills and I took a good amount, but I could have taken the whole bottle and then some. I also drank a lot of liquor. Luckily, because it was a cry for help, I needed to be seen.
• 17:49
  So, of course, I called my boyfriend at the time. I think actually we were on a break or something. Called him, let him know. He let my parents know. From that, you know, whatever happened, I don't need to lay out that whole thing. But one thing that happened specifically that I think really helped me at the time was,
• 18:08
  is I went to a home for two weeks, a home for mentally ill, and I realized I was the most normal in that space. So it gave me perspective. Perspective meaning I don't have it that bad. And to me, that's a real game changer
• 18:27
  for kids. And that's why I'm such a believer kids or teenagers should go to a third world country, be of service, see something that's worse than they have it. Meaning strip the technology, you know, they don't have the luxuries. I could get this from Amazon by tomorrow, 4am or whatever it may be. It's like, give them perspective. And so I'm such a big believer, like you need to put
• 18:56
  teenagers, especially in the environment so that they can learn life skills and how to regulate their emotions, how to understand like this is a privilege. You are blessed with what you have and to not take it for granted, you know, and I think that was a big thing for me is the perspective. And so with that, I was able to then walk the path of healing. And so I took initiative. I went to classes, as I mentioned, codependency.
• 19:24
  anger management. What else did I do? I also found God. I started going to church on my own. I didn't grow up in a religious family, so I became a Christian on my own. And I started going to church as I was able to drive and started walking that path. And that really, really saved me leaning into something bigger than myself and giving me hope. So that was a big catalyst for me.
• 19:53
  Thank you for sharing that. I would tell you that you are a badass. And I want to remind as a girl dad, as a teenage dad, parents, well, first of all, children, you're not alone. We are all here for you. Parents, create a safe zone for your children. And I know everybody says, of course I
• 20:24
  The smallest of things today, the I will make sure I listen to every single little detail about my daughter's day. I caught myself the other day dismissing just the smallest little detail. And it didn't, and that created a wedge between us. And then I said, sorry, Ari, please tell me.
• 20:44
  About your day. And it just creates that safe spot where she knows that no matter what, I'm listening. I care. She's seen. She's heard. And she's mattered. So don't. It's hard to do when you're running with crazy life. I run several companies. I have two homes. I'm launching a freaking business.
• 21:05
  I got a lot going on. Right. I make sure I stop. And here's one other trick. We have breakfast together, sit down breakfast together and sit down dinner together. And we love that all.
• 21:17
  So create opportunities to speak to your children and just really just be heard. You don't have to, there's nothing you can say. They just have to vent. So you went down the path, self-love and on your website, guys, check out her website, especially on your phone. It's her mobile website. Thank you. Erica Lippe.com. You have a quote of the day.
• 21:42
  And the one I read was the magic isn't outside of you, my love. Stop searching for it. You are the magic. I love that quote. I love it too. And I stole it. And I love you for putting it up. And I just love everything about you. As I told you, I was reading Jamie Kern Lima's book, Worthy. And everything you have...
• 22:06
  you require, you have within. So what you, you, you alluded to the self-love and in, in her book, she starts talking about self-confidence versus self-worth, which I knew the difference, but why don't you unpack it and then go into what you deeper dive into the self-love because everybody says, I love myself. Of course I love myself. Yes. Yeah.
• 22:29
  Do you? You can watch by your actions. Because I would argue that as you started all that, you were two and a half years, let's say three years into that relationship. You stayed for another seven years. There's lessons in here. And I'm not judging. But I want you to unpack that because there's somebody else out there listening going, of course I love myself.
• 22:51
  Of course I'm worthy. Of course I have confidence. Because I would argue, I've met you many times and I believe you have the most confidence I've ever seen. Now you have the self-worth. But it wasn't always there. So unpack the whole self-confidence, self-worth, and self-love with a valuable life experience. Because people love the stories.
• 23:11
  Thank you. You're so kind. Okay. So first of all, I think that I didn't learn it, first of all, after my 10-year first relationship. I didn't per se learn it after my other five-year relationship. And I would say I didn't learn it after the several other people I dated. I would say about, let me think of the timing. I would say about
• 23:40
  six and a half, seven years ago, I feel like where I really got it, really understood that I didn't love myself, that I didn't really feel worthy, that I wasn't respecting myself. I wasn't holding healthy boundaries. I feel like I liked the idea and I think I connected some part of it
• 24:07
  But it wasn't, you know, where you could really tell where there's truth is your actions aligned with your words. If it's not, I mean, then it's not true. At least my personal belief. So your actions and how you show up must be in alignment with what you say you are or how you say you believe you are. And so...
• 24:37
  I believe, you know, I love, by the way, gosh, Jamie Lee Kerma or Kern Lima, when she talks about Worthy and how she breaks it down, I was like, oh my gosh, all this. I'm like underlining, underlining. I have to read the whole book, but I listened to her live, free live thing. It was phenomenal. And then also you mentioned, what was the other one? Oh, Bren Brown. And you know,
• 25:02
  incredible leaders speak about it so well. And so let's see if I get it. Like, this is my take on it. So I believe there are so many, as I kind of touched on, there's so many facets under self-love and that is self-respect, self-trust, self-confidence, self-worthiness, like self-safety, right?
• 25:27
  Self-assurance, you know, there's all these facets under self-love, I believe. And we must strengthen all them. And so one thing I love to talk about personally is I believe self-acceptance is the pathway to self-love. And I'll explain this why. And I don't mean self-acceptance, acceptance from others. I mean acceptance of self. So the reason why I say this is so many people are in a place in their life where they're like...
• 25:57
  they haven't fully accepted the things that brought them to where they are. And I think it's so critical that we accept the totality of everything that has brought us here. Like everything has brought me here today. I'm grateful for. And I think a lot of us could say this is like, even though they weren't grateful what happened in the past,
• 26:17
  When you're on the other side, you could say like, I could see the lessons. I could see the blessings in this. I could see what this taught me so that I could be who I am today. Like it set me on a journey into personal development to better myself. And now I'm obsessed because my standard I have for myself is high. Like I do have a high standard for myself because I want to be the best person I can be as myself, whatever that looks like. And so I challenge myself every day. Like, how could I grow? How could I grow? Yeah.
• 26:46
  But not like into being a perfect human. It's more like, how could I evolve and just get to a place that I feel I could be the best version of myself? And so the self-acceptance, I think, is just really like, have you truly accepted that, yeah, maybe you made this mistake and maybe it set you on this path that was painful and
• 27:13
  But can you accept that this has been part of your journey and that because that happened now, you have a new perspective and you could now change the trajectory of your life? Like, I feel that is the most empowering thing to do. And so that I feel is a really big piece of self-love. The worthiness, as Jamie Kern Lima talks about, I love it so beautifully said, the difference between self-confidence and self-worthiness. So self-worthiness is really the foundation.
• 27:42
  And I do believe this statement to be so, so true is that we are all inherently worthy. We are worthy. We belong to walk into any room we choose to. That doesn't mean people are going to accept us and say like, oh, you belong here, but we belong just because we choose to step into the room.
• 28:06
  So the worthiness is really the catalyst to then developing self-confidence, which is really the house on top of the foundation of the worthiness. And so that's what she kind of talks about, which I love. And then just touching on self-confidence, because actually it's a topic I love to talk about because...
• 28:27
  There's something called the confidence loop. I don't know if you heard about this or it's a confidence, confidence, sorry, let me say it correctly. Confidence, confidence loop. And so basically the first of it is credibility. So do you keep your word with yourself? What you say you're going to do, do you do it? And when you do it, that will develop confidence. Yeah.
• 28:50
  And the more you do something, it will develop competence. And so this loop continues. The more you say you're going to do something and do it, you develop confidence and then builds competence. And so it's just a continuous cycle. And I love what that means is basically like, are you showing up for yourself? Are you keeping the promise you made to yourself? Are you doing the actions that then will lead you to where you want to go? And the more you do it over and over, you're going to develop competence and
• 29:19
  And so I think that is just one thing to always keep in mind. Like, you know, more you keep your word, the more you say you're going to do something, you're going to feel more confident. And then again, I think that's just a cycle that we could continue through life and just be able to step into fully our own confidence.
• 29:39
  And then that keeps building on the other things too. Again, the self-trust, that's built by keeping your word. Self-respect is when you hold healthy boundaries. Like all these facets of self-love are something we need to practice, to embody, and then we will become, and it will become a part of our identity. So...
• 30:04
  I hope that was helpful. What's not to love about you, Erica? Oh. You're sweet. So I have the fortune of interviewing a lot of women like you. And I'm going to have a spoiler alert for the guys listening. This is the same for male or female. We all struggle with self-worth, self-confidence, self-love, boundary. We all do the same thing. The difference is men have this different...
• 30:34
  expectation to be machismo and that adds a little bit of different layer that's literally it um i struggled to fit in was i worthy was i loved was i i had the utmost confidence in the world but i didn't think i was worthy so and the funny thing about what you just said and i need to point this out to everybody god kept showing you
• 30:59
  what not to do. So what you resist persists and you just kept doing it. And they kept going, Hey, Hey, Erica.
• 31:08
  Until you get this, you're not, until you address this thing, what we resist persists, we're going to keep sending it to you. So I know we've had this discussion, but I'm going to share it with you again and the listeners. The whole entire reason why Heart of the Life exists was because of love. I kept meeting the same person over and over and it wasn't serving. She was emotional. They were emotionally unavailable and I was begging for their love.
• 31:35
  And it's your story. It's the exact same story. So I would lose myself in these relationships and they weren't, they didn't love themselves. So they would seek validation from every single person. And I would keep sitting there. So I'm like, there's got to be. Same package, different bow.
• 31:54
  There you go. And everybody does it. So I just want you to know whether a man, woman, we're all that's why I still read all the women's stuff. So they break it down so elegantly.
• 32:06
  And I found Brene Brown saying fitting in is what we're always trying to do, but what we're looking for is to belong. And I found my belonging tribe in this personal development space. People like you that I can reach out to if ever I was feeling down, but I've cultivated. Yeah, I mean, that's, you know, you hit. Sorry, go ahead.
• 32:29
  Back to what I was saying is that God, what we resist persists, so if the same thing keeps coming up in your life, it is God talking to you and telling you, hey, this needs dressing. I do not want to cross over what you said was forgive yourself. Forgive yourself what you put up with. I, it took a long time for me to do that because I would beat myself up and go, why would I stay in that relationship?
• 32:57
  Why would I do that? Did I really not love my, did I really think that that was acceptable? You have to forgive yourself, take the lesson and be a learn it all sponge and adjust. And all too often we're on life's merry-go-round and we keep doing the same thing over and over.
• 33:20
  Yeah. I know, you know, when you talk about the self-forgiveness, it's a really big piece because I think the best way we could look at it is like you did the best you could with what you knew then.
• 33:32
  And I think this is a great perspective shift because really, if we don't know right from wrong, I mean, we don't know it consciously, I think. So we knew the best we did then to act the way we did then. And when you know better, when you have the awareness, you have the chance to do better. If you do not take that chance and you keep on doing the same thing over and over, granted, I was that person, you're going to keep getting the same lesson.
• 34:02
  It's just going to be on repeat. It's like same package, different bow.
• 34:06
  Same thing, just it's going to get louder and louder. And that's exactly what happened to me. And I feel like there was a time I remember because I was trying to do better, I was trying to respect myself more, hold these healthy boundaries. And I slipped and I noticed it. That's where I really developed this awareness. I was like, yep, I'm getting the same thing just thrown at me again because I'm not listening. And so I had that awareness. I'm like, OK, I'm going to do better next time. Yeah.
• 34:32
  But I forgave myself. It's okay. It's hard. It's hard when you feel like you're stuck in this pattern. It's hard to reframe things. It's hard to adjust and become this new version you want to become that you've not known for so long. So we just have to keep on reinforcing the behavior and also just bringing more awareness to your actions.
• 35:03
  huge, huge component to really cultivating authentic self-love. Same package, different bow. I love that. Talk about forgiving the other person too and how important that is. And it's hard when you never got an apology. So it's the same concept. Let me not, let me just say, how did you forgive the 10-year relationship and then the five-year relationship?
• 35:32
  Because this people are going to identify. What do you mean I got to forgive them? They were a narcissist asshole. Yeah. Talk about how that helps. So if I could just speak to my personal journey, because I can't speak to somebody that possibly got physically abused and, you know, some horrible things done to them. As far as, you know, the emotional abuse that happened in my 10 year relationship, honestly, I allowed it.
• 35:59
  I played a part in that. So, you know, that's really he just mirrored exactly how I felt about myself. That's really I think all relationships do that.
• 36:12
  Can I just interject? Hold on. I, I have to point out what you just did. Radical accountability. You owned your part of that. And today's world, we are, it's so much easier to be the victim and blame that narcissist, but you just owned it. Yeah.
• 36:30
  This is why I love you. You're, and we're going to switch in a minute, but I want you to keep going. And I want to switch them into why we didn't, we're 40 minutes into this. Nobody knows why, what you're even doing and how, what makes you qualified to say all this. So we're going to switch that, but keep going down that self acceptance and self-confidence. That's, it's just fire. You know, you, you, you said it radical responsibility will absolutely change your life.
• 36:55
  Because we are really, we should be the driver in our own life. You know, if we keep leading down our path and being the pastor of our life, like we're going to obviously blame other people for the direction we head. But if you're in the driver's seat of your life, meaning aka taking responsibility for your life, you're the one leading the direction. You don't get to blame other people for where you head. And so the...
• 37:21
  You know, as I mentioned, I knew that I allowed that to happen. If I truly love myself, if I felt I was worthy, if I respected myself, I would have put boundaries in place. I would have possibly left that relationship earlier, but I allowed it. And so I'm...
• 37:40
  In a relationship, we are responsible for also our part. And that's really key. If you haven't figured that out yet, you're going to keep going down the same path until you figure it out. That's all I could say. Keep on getting the same lesson. But in also my five-year relationship, like I said, it was a great relationship, but there were certain things that happened, life things that happened. And when I said I loved him more than myself, it was very hard for me to...
• 38:09
  honor myself in certain situations because I was like, oh, I love him, so I have to support him in his journey. And that was hindering where I was per se. And so I forgot what I was going to say. Oh, so the responsibility and self-forgiveness. So
• 38:30
  again, with something that happened, and I don't want to share it because it's a little personal, but something that happened, again, what I do, I took responsibility for the part I played. I let it happen. So a lot of my journey and probably one of the most important things that you said is that responsibility. When I started to really...
• 38:55
  do the work on myself, like I said, about six and a half, seven years ago, the first thing that came was the radical responsibility. That's when my life changed. That's when I started looking at myself, turning the mirror on myself, like, who am I being? Well, shoot, if I love myself, why would I allow this? Shoot, if I love myself, why would I let this happen? You know?
• 39:21
  I would walk differently. I would do different things if I love myself. And so that responsibility piece is really, like I said, the antidote to change your life, literally. It is the gem.
• 39:37
  So for me, I had to forgive my parents and say they did the best they could. And how I forgave them was just saying they did the best they could with what the tools that they had. And then I was able to accept my responsibility for what I did. And then the healing started. Then I named it and started doing all the work. So it is vital.
• 39:58
  To do both, whichever order works for you, we're just sharing our stories and that's what this is for. And I want to remind people, you have an amazing podcast that deep dives into this. I also remember I had Jen Cohen on and she talked about, I think she put it in her book,
• 40:15
  where she said, all this stuff, all your shit can come with you. It just has to be in the passenger seat. It can't drive. It has to shut up. So she just acknowledged all the stuff, the life stuff would come with her, but she was the fricking, that was her. Jen Gottlieb. Jen Gottlieb says this. I had them both and they're beautiful. So I love it. They can't drive. And, and,
• 40:45
  She acknowledges it. She says hi to them. Yeah, that's totally general. That's her way of having radical acceptance. Yes, exactly. We've gone all this length and how can be, so why should people be listening to you and why in the hell did I want you on? How can people work with you and what do they get?
• 41:06
  You're awesome. Thank you so much, Kelly. Well, um, so you can find me on Instagram is the place I live the most. So that is Erica Lippey, uh, L I P P Y Erica with a C and my podcast is passion, love pursuit. You could find it on most platforms. I'm like I said earlier, uh,
• 41:28
  to you actually, Kelly, offline. I said that I'm entering five years of the podcast. So I've had over 240 incredible guests, mind blown by the phenomenal guests, leaders in all spaces, to be honest. So it's one of my biggest passions. I love having these conversations to really help people on the journey. And I call it a journey.
• 41:51
  Because it really is something like we're constantly on this journey through life, learning, evolving, being, becoming. And it really is up to us to, again, take the wheel and learn what we need to learn to help better ourselves, whether it be in our relationships, our life, our health.
• 42:10
  you know, in parenting, like all these things, like we have the tools right in front of us. And so I would love for you to join me on Passion, Love, Pursuit podcast. And also I have, just to mention, I have a course that helps people go from start to launch successfully without overwhelm to start their podcast, their very own platform, as Kelly and I are doing right now. Like there's so much goodness in providing a platform, speaking about topics we love that
• 42:39
  There's nothing better than the relationships I've built by doing podcasting. So I would love to help you on that journey. So all that I'm sure will be in the show notes and then ericlipi.com for more information. And then we're going to keep going into some personal questions, but I want to tell people, let's take a second because when I talked to you, you'd been dating and I asked if it was any marriage. Now you're engaged. You're recently engaged in the last two months.
• 43:09
  Talk about how good it feels, how far you've come, how good it feels. This is where you get to fricking boast. I did the work and this is the frick what I got. So this is where I hand you the microphone and you said, I'd like to thank me for doing the work. Talk about your amazing fiance, how he creates to your healing and is there a wedding? Do you have a wedding date yet? And where's it going to be? Just gush.
• 43:38
  Oh, you're so kind. Yeah, I'm super, I'm super overjoyed. And we've actually been together five years. So it was something that we always knew from honestly, like the moment we started dating, but you know, those are like the early stage where you'll say, I want to marry you. But we really knew it. I've been living with him since, uh,
• 43:57
  two months in. So we always knew this was coming. It's just being patient of, you know, going through life and all the hiccups and whatnot and, and getting here, but overjoyed couldn't be more in love. He is such an incredible man. I can't begin to tell you. What does he do to make a young Erica feel safe and seen and heard?
• 44:24
  You know what's funny? One thing he says often is, I see you, I feel you, I hear you. And that is the most beautiful statement he obviously says with heartfelt meaning, right?
• 44:39
  And that's such a beautiful thing because that's exactly what we all want and need. And that's all a woman wants to hear. Like you see me and you hear me and you understand and I matter. You know, and so he is very accountable. He's, you know, he's becoming a better man all the time. He is very God-led, heart-led. He's a servant. He is, gosh, I mean, I could go on and on. He's absolutely...
• 45:08
  dynamic man. And I feel so blessed and honored to be with such a high caliber man. But, you know, we've grown actually together as well, like in our own ways. It's funny because I've been so, so I'm really into health and wellness more so now than ever. And it just keeps on increasing more and more. And
• 45:31
  I always try to influence that on him. And it took a little time, certain things, but now he's really stepping into his health and wellness more. And it's just so nice to see that compatibility there because it's such a high standard I have for myself. And so, yeah, we've really grown together in a beautiful way. And we are very independent and we support each other independently as well.
• 46:00
  And yeah, as far as wedding day, well, put it this way, I'm shopping for wedding dresses for the first time today. Obviously, whenever this releases, I don't know. But yeah, so that's a big deal. And we're looking at wedding venues. I'm praying it's this year in September. So I'm going to put that energy out there. Everybody pray. Yeah.
• 46:19
  so trying to make it happen quick and, um, yeah, that's, that's really, yeah, I feel thankful. I'm just going to throw this out there. I'm ordained and I can, I can marry you guys. So you're so kind. I think we have several people, but thank you.
• 46:37
  Like I want, I told Craig Siegel, I want to marry him. And he's like, you and Tim story have to wrestle each other. Amazing. I love that. I love that. I'll do the Christian Tim story and I'll do the Jewish. That's funny. Yeah, we have. Yeah, that's great. I love that. I mean, it's so exciting, right? It's amazing. You know, when you do find your person, you'll know. You really will. Because that person, you will feel better.
• 47:06
  you'll feel like you're a better person because of them. Like that person's helping hold you high and also speaking life into you, but also not allowing you to live in your own bullshit.
• 47:21
  So I think it's such a beautiful thing. I like to see relationships to, you know, this whole thing, like from, uh, uh, what was that? Jerry Maguire, you complete me. It's not, that's such a cliche thing. It's you need to complete people coming together to make bigger and better. So,
• 47:39
  You got to be whole. They got to be whole. And then you come together and make something bigger. So it's co-creating a life together. So that is a misnomer. It's a nice little Hollywood cliche, but you can't have somebody complete. You have to complete yourself. 1000%.
• 47:55
  You just dance around it. I want to hear what your non-negotiables are. So, because there's a guy or a girl listening right now that says, I like this, but where do I start? And it's a great place to start is your standards, your boundaries, and your non-negotiables. Your absolute, oh, hell no. Because if you crack on any one of those, you're going to get the same old stuff. So talk about your non-negotiables.
• 48:24
  Yeah. And I'm going to lead with saying I have had health issues recently that I'm addressing right now. Some things that I had no idea that was going on. Some were obvious. And I firmly believe the reason why this happened is I was neglecting my non-negotiables. And because I neglected my non-negotiables, I was more stressed because,
• 48:54
  And stress wrecks your body. And so I'm now, you know, addressing my health issues because –
• 49:04
  I knew what it did to me. And so when we talk about non-negotiables, the big things for me, the fact that I was neglecting it is like the biggest red flag there is for me. And that's why I speak so highly about this and how critical it is that we do our non-negotiables. You make time for it. You say no to people. I like to say conscious no's, conscious yes's. Like you need to be very, very clear on your values and.
• 49:34
  And you need to make room for those. And that could mean scheduling it, putting on a calendar, you know, you make time for it. And so the non-negotiables for me, 1000% is working out movement. If I don't work out, honestly, I'm really not a good person. Like I'm just on edge. It's been part of my lifestyle since I probably was 16. Yeah.
• 49:58
  So I'm 43 now. So imagine that's a lot of years that this is my identity. This is who I am. I'm somebody that takes care of my health and wellness. And so if I'm not working out, to me, I'm literally taking an element of who I am and not putting it into my days. That's going to really corrode my confidence. It's going to make me not feel good, less energy. It's going to make me feel
• 50:26
  I'm going against who I am. So that's a really big thing for me. So movement. And that was one thing that was taking somewhat of the back seat, like not as often because my schedule was so crazy. So I just wasn't able to fit in as much and I would have less time at the gym. And then again, I'm just running on stress the whole time, fight or flight. So non-negotiable, working out, eating healthy. That's definitely a non-negotiable for me is really...
• 50:55
  being mindful of my nutrition, supplementing what I need, taking care of my health, and then getting out in sunlight. I love nutrition.
• 51:06
  I'm like a flower that blooms in the sunlight. I literally come alive like a flower. So like I will sometimes when it's sunning outside, like it just became spring, right? And it's starting to rain less in Los Angeles. And so I walk out the door and I see the sun. I'm literally like,
• 51:25
  Ah, just like, ah. I really come alive. So I realize how nourishing that is to my soul. So again, if I know that, I need to do that more often. So it's a non-negotiable for me and walking outside being in nature.
• 51:44
  Quality time with my partner is a non-negotiable to me. I believe you must put in the time and energy into a relationship for it to thrive. So we are very adamant about having our date nights. And we live together. So you do need to make time for that because when you live together, it's very easy to just like nonchalantly like hang out, you know, but dating is a different thing. So non-negotiable is...
• 52:13
  You know, there's probably a lot more, but those are just at the top of my list. So eating well, movement and sunlight in nature. You're going to see every top achiever. Those are like foundations. They are the foundations. I haven't worked out yet today and I'm going nuts. It's like, and my day keeps getting pushed back, back, back, back, back. And I just looked at my daughter. I said...
• 52:35
  No matter what, when I'm done, I'm headed to the gym because I'm a better. She knows when I miss the gym because I'm getting ornery. So it is a non-negotiable. And that's why we're kindred spirits. What's your relationship with alcohol?
• 52:48
  Oh, I love this one. Okay. So, you know, because I know your stance on it, obviously. So I'm not a huge drinker, but I love wine. I've been a wine connoisseur for somewhat a long time. And of course, I know there's health benefits to wine. At least this is something I've always told myself as well to add like the benefit, but I know obviously it's still alcohol. So
• 53:13
  So I don't drink a lot, but I love enjoying a glass of wine. It's one of those luxuries in life I like. And funny enough, I had a conversation with a functional nutritionist on my podcast recently, and we had a talk about this. And she went into, obviously, the downsides of drinking even a little bit of alcohol.
• 53:35
  And I'm like, that's the one thing I have a hard time giving up. And it's not like, again, it's not like I need the alcohol, but it's just, it's kind of like coffee. I really enjoy my coffee. Or, you know, it's just a, it's just an enjoyment. Again, when you're kind of like a wine connoisseur, it becomes almost like a, a, a social enjoyment thing. But recent health, health things that come, came up. One of the things is my liver.
• 54:03
  And so my liver is very stressed out. So based on that, one thing I'm doing is because I'm working with somebody right now that's a functional nutritionist and we've had this conversation and he does say it's okay for you to have a small glass of wine, but then have a little extra of your, what is it that I'm taking? Glutathione.
• 54:29
  like double the dose that day when you drink, because that helps flush out your liver and it's antioxidant. I know you're, I'm curious about your thoughts on that, but so anyways, but can I add to that? Sorry. Go, go, please do it. So, and the other thing is since I'm a big biohacker too, there's a wine called dry farm wines, which is no sugar and it's low in alcohol. So that's the switch I'm making. And again, I'm,
• 54:57
  Very little, you know, I'm not, and I'm also doing things to flush out my liver and things like that, but I don't drink that much that it's concerning to me. But knowing that I care so much about my health and wellness, I am being very aware and conscious of it. And if I decide like, okay, I want to take the step and maybe not, you know, have this as one of my luxuries or, you know, whatever.
• 55:25
  habits or it's not even a habit. I just enjoy it. But yeah, that's where I stand on that. I'm very like honest about it, I guess you could say, because the interview I had with somebody else, she was just explaining, I'm like that. I'll just admit right now that it's one thing I'm not wanting to give up. That doesn't mean I'm not going to. It's just right now. And
• 55:49
  I'm just making better choices and also being mindful and reducing the consumption as far as how it affects me emotionally or, you know, addiction or anything of that nature. For me, that is not true. It doesn't affect my performance or anything of that nature. So that's just my honest answer to that. Yeah.
• 56:15
  I appreciate that because, you know, it was obviously when you said when you attempted suicide, you took pills and you drank. So it's it's it's I'm proud of you for not letting it spiral out of control. I will tell you, I quit at 43 and it's a cheat code. And by the way, to to dispel or debunk or to actually breathe into that study of that wine, a glass of wine a day is good for your heart.
• 56:43
  It's good for your heart, but bad for so many other things. So the overall, and Andrew Huberman's been giving us all the data on this and the research on it. They're showing that it's just even one drink per week, the toxicity.
• 57:01
  I don't, I've come off of that. You want to have one, have one. It's just, if you're drinking to avoid something else, if you're using it as a mask or a crutch, or you can't say no, that's the one I want to talk about. You know, oh, I need it for social lubricant. No, you don't. Come with me. You see me at parties. I will walk around and talk to everybody without having a drink. But I just wanted to share that. You'll see...
• 57:30
  It'll become less and less because you'll hang out with less and less people that drink. And you see as you get a little bit older, your body responds. Dude, I'm in the best shape of my life. I'm 48. I'm 48.
• 57:41
  It's from not freaking drinking and doing everything you're doing, by the way. I hired a doctor and I had every test done, every test done. Like if you listen to Ed Milet's most recent podcast, he talks about it. Oh, yes, I heard it. He got to go through and, you know, we're going to live probably well into our hundreds now.
• 58:02
  Yeah. But you have to be intentional about it. It's, you can't be stressed. You can't put yourself in situations that can be avoided to be stressed. So we're, we're getting up against it. I want to fricking blaze through some questions that I just want you to hear. So, or I'm, I want to hear your answer. Sorry. What, uh, what, when you're down, what can you think of that makes you smile? Being in nature.
• 58:34
  Like, what can I think or just think or do? Sorry. Either one. What can you think or do? I'm just going to go with the first thing off the top of my head is my former dog, Chance. He was the most impactful thing in my life. And he's not alive anymore. But when I think about him, like he was the joy, like he brings me utter joy.
• 59:01
  So I liked your first answer though, but that's because it's most common. Go for a walk in nature. And I, I, I cover my gratitude walk every day. And then anytime I get in a point where I just feel myself out of alignment, Tim story. And I had this conversation as he said, Kelly, I saw you walking around patting your heart. And I said, that's me bringing myself back in alignment. I'll walk around and if I'm doing this,
• 59:26
  I'm bringing myself back into alignment and you're, I'm probably doing some sort of gratitude in my head to, to re center, refocus myself. So I love that. I go for a walk. I take my dog for a walk as you just talked about. Yeah. He popped in, but you missed him a little. I got a little Yorkie, Tom Powell, Yorkie. He's fun. Define happiness for me. And I know that people do this whole, I'm not chasing happiness. I, I, I believe that happiness is what we're all about. Not this. I'm chasing joy.
• 59:56
  We want to be happy. So what does define happiness for me?
• 1:00:02
  You know, I once heard this and it resonated with me is peace is happiness in action and happiness or sorry, peace is happiness and stillness and happiness is peace. Wait, sorry. And peace is happiness and action. Wait, am I saying this wrong? Sorry, I'm missing it up. So what was it? It really resonated with me. And if I could reiterate the same words, but it's
• 1:00:29
  Peace is happiness and stillness. There we go. Happiness is peace and action. Yee-haw! Does that make sense? I've seen that. I love it. Who said that? I don't know. But I love that because I do believe peace is happiness. When you feel at peace. And that's why...
• 1:00:57
  When I'm in nature, what do I feel? Peace. I feel serenity. I feel calmness. I feel gratitude. I feel like I belong and I feel centered. I feel connected to who I am when I'm in nature. And so that is happiness in action. So that's how I describe it is when you feel peace.
• 1:01:20
  You're my sister from another mister. I agree a hundred percent. Peace, clarity, freedom. I have to have them. Peace. My peace is non-negotiable. If you bring me chaos, trauma, or a headache, you will not be in my life very long. It's hard. So. I hear you. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. And that's what winning in my life is, is how do I make you feel after I walk out of the room? And if you walk out of the room and I feel terrible...
• 1:01:49
  That's not peaceful and you ain't gonna be in my life. It's easy. I'll chop that off in a second. What's one thing about you that people might be surprised to know? Ooh, I mean, this is just the first thing I'm thinking of. I don't know, I'm sure there's many, but I come alive when I do something adventurous.
• 1:02:19
  like a little kid, utter joy, absolute bliss. And so example is when I do caneering, which is basically where you, you know, you repel down a wall, you go through rivers of water and you climb and you do all these things. And like, I had this experience in Croatia
• 1:02:46
  And I just remember this moment and I saw myself. I felt like the joy in me and I just felt so alive. And I was by myself on this trip, you know, obviously with other people doing the canering, but I just felt so alive. And so I come alive in Extreme Adventures and.
• 1:03:04
  And I would say the other thing that people might not know, I love being alone. I love my own company, to be honest. And it took time to get there, right? But I am one person that really loves traveling alone, even though, I mean, again, I'm with somebody, I love traveling with him, but I also really enjoy my own alone time.
• 1:03:27
  I did not know that. I wouldn't have taken you for an adrenaline junkie. It was a draw to be the joy of life. That makes me smile for you tremendously. So now you're about to join a blended family. You're about to create, I mean, I know you guys have been together for five years, but you're about to, is there any interesting family traditions or stories that you want to share with people? That we currently do or that something...
• 1:03:56
  that you currently do or that maybe even something from you that you remember as a little girl, just something to share with the audience that, that just touches Erica. You know, I can't think of any personal family traditions that we had that I'll have to think about, but there's one thing we do do as a family. Uh, we do pray before our meals. I love that.
• 1:04:26
  So we do this thing at meals where at dinner, where we say, uh, what's the best part of your day? And we go around and everybody does what was the best part of your day or something that made you smile. Um, and then I, I kind of like, what was something tough? I love the tough cause I think you'll learn from it. So, all right. We, if you could leave me with one piece of advice, what would it be?
• 1:04:53
  One thing I always say is all you need is within you. I truly believe this statement because I for so long seeked everything outside myself. Like I said, everything to validate me. Like how could I feel more love for myself? It was always dependent on everything outside of me. But when I actually, again, did the work and able to find peace within myself and really get to know myself myself.
• 1:05:20
  Know who I am. Who am I, Erica? Like, who are you now and who are you envisioning yourself to be? And knowing that I had the power within me to go pursue that and to know that I am worthy of what's placed on my heart. And I do believe there's a conjunction, obviously, that God is within me too. You know, faith is a journey I've been on. Recently got baptized the end of last year, but I've...
• 1:05:48
  been a Christian for some time, but I've followed this journey on my own path of really going to church and learning a little bit, but I never fully read the Bible, still haven't, mind you. But it's been my own unique journey of getting to know God and walking this path as a Christian. And the more I want to lean into it now. And so I always like to remember,
• 1:06:19
  God is within me. Like if God's within me, I have everything I need. You know, I feel like all I have to do is take the time, the space, the,
• 1:06:31
  And, you know, connect within. Like ask myself, how are you doing? How are you really doing? What do you need? Oh, do you need to go for a walk? Maybe take a breath? Maybe go in the infrared sauna? I don't know. What do you need? And just asking that and then, you know, making time and space for it and nourishing myself. So I just believe that we really have more power than we think we have. And if we really...
• 1:06:57
  take the time and connect within, we could really guide ourselves the right direction. And also, like I said, in conjunction with God, but also be able to make the right decision and take the aligned actions we need to take and be intentional with it. Because I believe in intentionality. So it's like the only way we could really be intentional is really knowing and connecting within. So all you need is within you.
• 1:07:25
  Have you read the book or listened to the book Conversations with God? I have not read it, actually. I know of the book, but I have not yet. I'm telling you right now, everything I just heard, listen to it. Awesome. I don't know what you do. I read it. Listen, I read a lot, Erica, and I read the book and then immediately downloaded it and listened to it. It was that impactful.
• 1:07:49
  Oh, so good. Tell me what you think. Shoot me a text after you. It's that good. And I read a lot. That was good. My dear, I see you. I hear you. I love you. And I feel you. Well, specifically, I love you. And you have a lifelong friend in me. If you have my cell phone number, if there's anything I could ever do to support you, just shoot me a text. This has been beautiful. You are amazing.
• 1:08:14
  stunning inside and out. And I just, I hope my daughter goes up to be you.
• 1:08:20
  Oh, you're, you're so kind. Like, thank you for your words, truly, Kelly. And I, I really just thank you for holding this space and being so genuine and being so curious as well. Like I said, to, you know, help empower women, then also, you know, learn more so that you could help your daughter along the way. So she grew up an empowered woman and, uh, yeah, I'm just thankful to do this journey with you. So I'm here for you. Love you so much. And I thank you again for holding the space and the questions. Thank you so much.
• 1:08:56
  Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.