Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #907 What Kylie Learnt From 2023

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#907 What Kylie Learnt From 2023 · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers now.
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  Speaker 2: Last week on a Happy Families podcast, I shared the
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  Speaker 2: things that I've learned this year, the well and well,
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  Speaker 2: what didn't and what twenty to twenty four is supposed
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  Speaker 2: to look like based on the stuff that has stood
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  Speaker 2: out to me today. It's the term of missus Happy Families. Kylie,
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  Speaker 2: let's hear your year in review. I'm excited for this.
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  Speaker 2: I love doing this whole introspective insight kind of thing.
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  Speaker 3: I feel like it's just so.
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  Speaker 2: It's inspiring, it's motivating when you look at what's happened
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  Speaker 2: during the year, what you have come, where you've fallen down.
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  Speaker 3: And what you want to do next year. It's hopeful.
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  Speaker 3: I love this process.
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  Speaker 1: When you shared your insights last week in relation to
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  Speaker 1: the year, I was thinking about my list and just
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  Speaker 1: kind of feeling like I really didn't have anything meaningful
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  Speaker 1: to share. It's actually a difficult process to sit down
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  Speaker 1: and to actually take some interest on the year that's been,
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  Speaker 1: especially when, as we've already acknowledged, our final few months
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  Speaker 1: of the year have been just so challenging, and it
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  Speaker 1: kind of takes up all your energy and viewpoint, and
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  Speaker 1: so for me to sit in that space and to
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  Speaker 1: think back on the things that took place, I was
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  Speaker 1: actually blown away at how much growth and progress I've
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  Speaker 1: made personally in my life. I think the thing that
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  Speaker 1: stands out to me the most is having our big
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  Speaker 1: kids move to the Sunshine Coast at the beginning of
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  Speaker 1: the year. Hands down, was such a beautiful highlight of
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  Speaker 1: my year, and having them close to us meant that
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  Speaker 1: I was able to be more hands on support to
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  Speaker 1: Chanelle as she grew as an body was growing this beautiful,
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  Speaker 1: amazing baby that came into our life later in the year.
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  Speaker 1: But the relationship that has developed with our son in
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  Speaker 1: law as we've been closer has been such an absolute delight.
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  Speaker 1: I've just loved seeing them grow as a couple and
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  Speaker 1: now as a family, and seeing the way they add
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  Speaker 1: beauty to our family at home.
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  Speaker 3: Can I chuck something in here?
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  Speaker 2: I know this is your what went well lists, and
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  Speaker 2: I wish that I said something about this, because when
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  Speaker 2: you say that, I reflect on how when we got married,
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  Speaker 2: we just wanted to move as far away from our
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  Speaker 2: families as we could. We wanted to get distanced we
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  Speaker 2: wanted to be our own people, we wanted to be independent.
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  Speaker 2: We really wanted to do it ourselves, and I feel
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  Speaker 2: like we missed out on a lot because of that.
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  Speaker 2: Whereas we've got these kids nice and close, they're still
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  Speaker 2: doing it on their own, they're living their independent lives.
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  Speaker 2: But there's something beautiful about the closeness. I'm disappointed that
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  Speaker 2: we missed that with our families because we had.
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  Speaker 3: To do it our way.
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  Speaker 2: I'm grateful that we've created an environment in our home
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  Speaker 2: where our kids want to be close to us. To me,
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  Speaker 2: that is the ultimate gift. And I just wish that
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  Speaker 2: we'd had the insight when we were younger to give
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  Speaker 2: that gift to our parents.
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  Speaker 3: Tell me about what.
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  Speaker 2: Went well, your next insight, your next beautiful thing that
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  Speaker 2: happened this year.
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  Speaker 1: So at the beginning of the year, I actually did
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  Speaker 1: a little bit of a reset. I took some time
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  Speaker 1: away from the family, and I did a little bit
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  Speaker 1: of soul searching and just trying to I guess find
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  Speaker 1: what my next steps were.
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  Speaker 2: And in life in general, you did the eat, prey
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  Speaker 2: love thing, but you stayed in the country, you stayed
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  Speaker 2: with me, you kept your family.
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  Speaker 1: You just took a break, and one of the things
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  Speaker 1: I determined was that I've spent a lot of my
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  Speaker 1: life being held back by fear, and I didn't want
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  Speaker 1: to keep living my life like that. I wanted to
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  Speaker 1: be able to move forward with greater confidence in my
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  Speaker 1: own ability, but be okay with making mistakes and looking
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  Speaker 1: a bit silly if I get things wrong. And so
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  Speaker 1: my goal was to just get out of my comfort
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  Speaker 1: zones as much as I could. And one of the
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  Speaker 1: first things that I did was I signed up for
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  Speaker 1: art school. This was huge been an emotional rollercoaster this
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  Speaker 1: year as I've navigated that I have never done art before.
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  Speaker 1: I have always believed I am not good at art.
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  Speaker 1: And after I finished my first painting, I literally cried
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  Speaker 1: because for the first time in my life, there was
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  Speaker 1: evidence right in front of me that suggested that I
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  Speaker 1: could no longer say I wasn't good at this. There
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  Speaker 1: was this beautiful beauty developing right before my eyes, and
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  Speaker 1: I was part of that process.
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  Speaker 2: So I have to jump in again. I'm so sorry,
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  Speaker 2: but this this is one of these things that really
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  Speaker 2: sort of blows my mind, and I've struggled with it
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  Speaker 2: so much. If I was to go and do an
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  Speaker 2: art class. I guarantee you I could do art class
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  Speaker 2: like twelve years and still not draw what you drew
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  Speaker 2: on day one. I just I need to put that
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  Speaker 2: out there because the evidence, when you say there was
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  Speaker 2: evidence that you could draw it was a masterpiece.
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  Speaker 3: And they've only gotten better.
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  Speaker 1: I've really loved the process. It's been such a challenging
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  Speaker 1: but such a rewarding process.
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  Speaker 2: I also want to highlight it's taken us twenty four
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  Speaker 2: to twenty five years of child wearing before we've gotten
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  Speaker 2: to a point where you've got the time, the capacity,
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  Speaker 2: and the willingness to invest in yourself like this.
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  Speaker 3: I wish you'd been doing it from an earlier age, but.
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  Speaker 2: For a variety of reasons, it hasn't happened. But you're
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  Speaker 2: doing it now, and I would encourage any mums who
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  Speaker 2: will listening to our conversation right now to consider what
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  Speaker 2: they could invest in that's for them. That's productive. It's
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  Speaker 2: not sitting down and staring at a phone. It's actually
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  Speaker 2: going out and being creative. It's true recreation or recreation.
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  Speaker 1: When I asked the kids what I might put on
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  Speaker 1: the list, Annie, our sixteen year old, said that I
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  Speaker 1: had tried lots of new things. Art school was one
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  Speaker 1: of those things. But as you acknowledged last week, we
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  Speaker 1: had some pretty challenging holidays throughout the year, and one
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  Speaker 1: of them was the solo family holiday where I took
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  Speaker 1: the kids to Cans because you got so sick you
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  Speaker 1: couldn't fly. I know, and I had never navigated hiring
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  Speaker 1: a car, doing an airbnb, actually navigating in a new
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  Speaker 1: space before, all on my own. And the girls were
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  Speaker 1: blown away at how calm I was through that process.
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  Speaker 1: They were really proud of me, and he acknowledged that
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  Speaker 1: while we were on that holiday, I also had to
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  Speaker 1: navigate a nine year old who got so sick she
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  Speaker 1: couldn't leave the house, and so we had to take
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  Speaker 1: turns on who was going to stay home with her
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  Speaker 1: so that the other kids could actually have a holiday.
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  Speaker 1: We were driving an hour and a half at a
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  Speaker 1: time to do the activities that we'd planned, and I
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  Speaker 1: navigated all of that and that was a huge win
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  Speaker 1: for me as well. And what I loved about it
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  Speaker 1: was that it wasn't the perfect instagram worthy holiday, but
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  Speaker 1: it was actually a beautiful holiday, and part of that
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  Speaker 1: was because I navigated things that again I had told myself.
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  Speaker 1: I wasn't competent and capable of doing on my own,
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  Speaker 1: so that was really cool. But I also navigated my
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  Speaker 1: very first overseas trip in July, and that was huge.
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  Speaker 1: Number one to be able to have that time to myself,
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  Speaker 1: but number two, to navigate all of the things that
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  Speaker 1: you just do and take for granted that everybody does.
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  Speaker 1: You know, getting on aeroplanes, doing transfers, getting picked up
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  Speaker 1: at the other end, meeting lots of new people every day,
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  Speaker 1: living on campus like a UNI student for a week, Like,
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  Speaker 1: all of those things were such new experiences for me,
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  Speaker 1: and I just loved and relished them. And I think
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  Speaker 1: it was actually a real bittersweet moment for me because
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  Speaker 1: there was this acknowledgment that this was such an amazing experience,
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  Speaker 1: and yet because of my own belief systems for so
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  Speaker 1: many years, these are experiences that I have stopped myself
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  Speaker 1: from being able to have much earlier in life. That
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  Speaker 1: was a huge highlight.
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  Speaker 2: I love thinking about how this year has really been
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  Speaker 2: a year of investment in who you're becoming, Like this
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  Speaker 2: has really been a year that you have forced yourself
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  Speaker 2: into situations that demand growth and that have really challenged
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  Speaker 2: you I love it. Is there anything else that you
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  Speaker 2: wanted to highlight that has gone well?
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  Speaker 3: Before? We dive into the world didn't go, so I.
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  Speaker 1: Do a little bit of a lightning round. We survived
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  Speaker 1: reno's in our teeny tiny house. We've done major renos before,
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  Speaker 1: but this experience was like nothing we've experienced before because
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  Speaker 1: our house is so small, so to do a tiny
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  Speaker 1: reno meant our whole house got turned upside down. That
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  Speaker 1: was a bit of a challenge. We became grandparents. Absolute
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  Speaker 1: highlight of the year. I spent a lot of time
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  Speaker 1: working on my own emotional regulation. This is a work
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  Speaker 1: in progress. I have got so far to go, it's ridiculous.
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  Speaker 1: But it's also been a skill that I have been
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  Speaker 1: working really hard on with each of our girls, and
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  Speaker 1: I have seen such massive movement and positive directions with
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  Speaker 1: each of them as a result, and the flow and
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  Speaker 1: effect of that is that my relationship with each of
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  Speaker 1: them has grown such beautiful ways this year, and I'm
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  Speaker 1: really really grateful for that. We've navigated some really major challenges,
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  Speaker 1: and those challenges have reminded me of how many beautiful
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  Speaker 1: people I have in my life. Oh yeah, and in
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  Speaker 1: some ways I was in awe of the people who
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  Speaker 1: showed up, and yet it was a no brainer that
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  Speaker 1: those would be the people that showed up. It just
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  Speaker 1: still blows me away that they showed up, if that
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  Speaker 1: makes sense, of course. And one of my final ones
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  Speaker 1: was just that I, for the first time, probably in
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  Speaker 1: a real sense, I listened to my guart and it
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  Speaker 1: took a lot of courage and a lot of persuasion
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  Speaker 1: from you, and we pulled the kids out last term
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  Speaker 1: from school. That was huge for me. I was a really,
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  Speaker 1: really big deal. And in spite of the fact that
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  Speaker 1: things haven't gone the way I had anticipated they would go,
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  Speaker 1: I am so grateful that I had the courage to
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  Speaker 1: follow through on the things that you and I had
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  Speaker 1: spoken about.
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  Speaker 2: The time will tell whether we'll remain grateful, but at
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  Speaker 2: the moment, it feels good. Okay, So let's do a
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  Speaker 2: fairly quick one here. What hasn't gone so well?
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  Speaker 1: My list is pretty small because there's such big things,
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  Speaker 1: all right, let's hear it. I really struggled to find
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  Speaker 1: my rhythm for life in general this year. It's been
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  Speaker 1: a really tricky year of a lack of motivation and
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  Speaker 1: a lack in sense of direction and purpose. In my
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  Speaker 1: own personal life, and that overarching theme flows into obviously
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  Speaker 1: every aspect of my living.
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  Speaker 2: So last week I talked about how I was struggling
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  Speaker 2: with my rhythms and routines and that sort of thing.
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  Speaker 2: Do you think I can blame you for that.
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  Speaker 1: The fact, no, I think it's the other way round.
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  Speaker 1: When you're functioning, I do so much better.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, this upcoming year, we've got to dial this in.
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  Speaker 3: All right, what else didn't go so well?
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  Speaker 1: It would just be homeschooling. So the acknowledgment was we
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  Speaker 1: weren't homeschooling. We were unschooling the kids, and I had
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  Speaker 1: this grand plan of how everything would flow. We pulled
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  Speaker 1: the kids out on Monday. You broke your back the
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  Speaker 1: following Saturday, that's right, And a handful of weeks after
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  Speaker 1: the aftermath of that, we lost down nephew Logan, right,
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  Speaker 1: And that has literally turned our lives upside down. And
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  Speaker 1: so the idea that I would spend days at the
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  Speaker 1: beach with the kids and you know, kind of immersed
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  Speaker 1: in green space went completely out the window for all
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  Speaker 1: of those challenging reasons. And yet in spite of that,
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  Speaker 1: there has been beauty in the process. So they're my
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  Speaker 1: things that didn't go so well.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, Well, let's talk about learnings and plans for next
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  Speaker 2: year based on well, I mean, some of it's random
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  Speaker 2: and some of it's related exactly to what you've talked about.
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  Speaker 2: What have you got on the list? Let's step through it.
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  Speaker 1: Every year I try to pick a word or a
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  Speaker 1: theme of what I would like to work on this year.
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  Speaker 1: And because of the way the year has gone, I
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  Speaker 1: actually had lost track of what that word was. And
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  Speaker 1: as I was flicking through my photos, one of my
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  Speaker 1: friends had done a beautiful word art for me at
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  Speaker 1: the beginning of the year. Do you know what my
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  Speaker 1: word was?
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  Speaker 3: I have no recollection at all.
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  Speaker 1: My word was joy?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, right, okay.
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  Speaker 1: I remember in the early days talking to your mom
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  Speaker 1: and saying, you know, the kids are really trying me,
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  Speaker 1: and I kept praying for patience and it just got
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  Speaker 1: really hard. And she would say to me, Carlie, when
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  Speaker 1: you pray for courage, God doesn't give you courage, He
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  Speaker 1: gives you a lie.
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  Speaker 3: A lie. I love that, love that, and I feel.
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  Speaker 1: Like this year there has been so many opportunities where
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  Speaker 1: it would be so easy to not find joy, and
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  Speaker 1: it has really tested my capacity to. But a quote
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  Speaker 1: that you shared recently was just this acknowledgment that joy
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  Speaker 1: is the ability to see beauty. And I think about
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  Speaker 1: the herd experiences that we've gone through, and time and
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  Speaker 1: time again, I have been blown away with the beauty
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  Speaker 1: that has existed in spite of the heart. And so
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  Speaker 1: while I haven't necessarily done a brilliant job of keeping
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  Speaker 1: joy as a focus point for me this year, as
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  Speaker 1: I look abad on twenty twenty three, I can see
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  Speaker 1: so much beauty in our lives. The other thing that
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  Speaker 1: stands out to me is life is as good as
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  Speaker 1: your relationships. Throughout our lives as parents, there have been
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  Speaker 1: times where we have looked at one or all of
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  Speaker 1: our children as being problematic. They have been really, really challenging.
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  Speaker 2: Now we've had to break that right because the kids
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  Speaker 2: aren't problems, they're just having problems.
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  Speaker 1: And so really dialing into the acknowledgment that they are
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  Speaker 1: having challenge in their life as opposed to them being
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  Speaker 1: the challenge has elevated the joy that we experience in
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  Speaker 1: our home. Another lesson I've learned is offering grace to
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  Speaker 1: myself and to others. This has been a really huge
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  Speaker 1: learning for me recognizing at times that I don't have
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  Speaker 1: the same capacity to do what I want to do
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  Speaker 1: or need to do because of the ex experiences or
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  Speaker 1: the challenges that we're having in our lives. And being
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  Speaker 1: okay with that has been I'm going to say, life altering,
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  Speaker 1: but it has also enlarged the relationships around me. And
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  Speaker 1: I think the last thing in relation to that is
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  Speaker 1: that for me, compassion is the lifeblood of my relationships,
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  Speaker 1: especially with our children. As I have tapped into the
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  Speaker 1: ability to feel compassion for the challenges that they are experiencing,
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  Speaker 1: it has drawn me to them instead of me seeing
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  Speaker 1: them as the problem. And that has been such a
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  Speaker 1: beautiful shift in our home and specifically as a mother
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  Speaker 1: daughter relationship.
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  Speaker 2: Had a bike ride with somebody, Well, somebody came along
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  Speaker 2: on a bike ride recently and had a conversation along
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  Speaker 2: those lines, and this person just kept on that he
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  Speaker 2: was absolutely convenienced that the best way to get through
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  Speaker 2: to kids is to slam them, to be on them
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  Speaker 2: to make sure that they understand the rules. That kids
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  Speaker 2: these days need rules and boundaries, and they need parents
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  Speaker 2: that tell them how it's going to be. No matter
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  Speaker 2: how much I tried to explain that that's got to
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  Speaker 2: turn them away. He was just so adamant and hearing
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  Speaker 2: you say that is such a beautiful reinforcement of everything
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  Speaker 2: that we try to share, that it's raising kids in
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  Speaker 2: a nurturing and kind and loving home that actually increases
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  Speaker 2: the likelihood that they're going to want to develop healthy,
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  Speaker 2: safe boundaries for themselves.
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  Speaker 3: I mean, half of our parenting work or more.
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  Speaker 2: Is done by getting that stuff right.
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  Speaker 3: I love that insight. It's so so valuable. Well, Kylie,
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  Speaker 3: it's been a big year. Is there anything else you
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  Speaker 3: want to share?
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  Speaker 1: My last, and this is probably the most poignant one
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  Speaker 1: for me, was actually the words of my art teacher.
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  Speaker 1: At one point, as I was struggling with a piece
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  Speaker 1: of art, she said, and I don't even think she
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  Speaker 1: realized just how poignant it was for me, but she said,
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  Speaker 1: give yourself permission to make ugly. Yes, when you're sitting
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  Speaker 1: in an art class, surrounded by people who are so
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  Speaker 1: much more competent at this than you are, it's so
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  Speaker 1: easy to judge yourself and your efforts harshly. And it
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  Speaker 1: wasn't until I came home and I thought about it,
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  Speaker 1: and I thought, how often do we expect perfection of
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  Speaker 1: ourselves as we're learning the ability to be who we
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  Speaker 1: want to be is a work in progress, and it
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  Speaker 1: gets messy and it gets really ugly. And while ever
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  Speaker 1: we focus on the ugly, we actually lose sight of
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  Speaker 1: what we're trying to achieve. And so for me, this
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  Speaker 1: actually has become probably my life lesson is recognizing that
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to look ugly, I'm going to sound ugly,
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  Speaker 1: I'm just going to make ugly so much. But if
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  Speaker 1: I can give my self permission to make ugly, there
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  Speaker 1: is going to be a moment in time that through
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  Speaker 1: that process beauty will shine through. And that's what I'm
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  Speaker 1: trying to achieve.
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  Speaker 2: And that's when you find joy, because where there is beauty,
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  Speaker 2: there is joy.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. The Happy Families.
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  Speaker 2: Podcast is produced by Justin roll On from Bridge Media.
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  Speaker 2: Craig Bruce our executive producer. Hey, we hope we've given
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  Speaker 2: you some inspo as you reflect on the year that
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  Speaker 2: was for you and consider what next year it might be.
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  Speaker 2: Thanks so much for listening. We can't wait to join
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: you again tomorrow. And The Happy Families Podcasts