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Unapologetically Whole: The Grace of Becoming with Lola Dada-Olley · Black Business Live Podcast

• 0:00
  Lola: So I asked myself a really hard question. Who were you before you ever became a caregiver? And I was a sibling caregiver as early as nine. So I had to go back to old memories. Lola, who were you really?
• 0:12
  Yes, I advocated for my brother that became a natural part of me and that will always be a part of me and that now manifests itself in the practice of the practice of law that I'm in now. But I was a creative too. And then it happened, I graduated, and I suppressed it again. Oh. For years.
• 0:27
  I realized I was starving parts of myself because I was on autopilot trauma. I get it. When you're deep in trauma, autopilot is needed. Survival mode is needed.
• 0:37
  Tolu: It's needed, yes.
• 0:38
  Lola: But once you start to step out of that towards wholeness, that mix of the two, I was running on all, and I won't say all cylinders because we're still in the midst of the pandemic, but way more cylinders than ever was. The moment I said, Okay, going to stop starving this other side of myself, I am more than one thing and it's Okay. The opportunities that came. I was asked to do my first virtual speech. I did that and it was paid.
• 1:05
  Said, Okay. Then I got asked to do a TEDx talk. And the pandemic was still going on. And I delivered basically a ten minute speech that condensed thirty years of my life into ten minutes. And I was able to do it with a four week lead time.
• 1:22
  I I learned that beyond caregiving, I can do hard things, and I could do it fairly decently.
• 1:33
  Tolu: Well, welcome to the Black Business Live Podcast where we amplify black innovation, culture, and excellence. Our podcast is designed to bridge the gap between leaders who have attained multiple levels of success and those who are in the trenches building and scaling. We believe that representation drives aspiration. So when you see other people who have been on your journey or a similar one to you, it becomes attainable and reachable. And today I'm excited because I have a lovely guest in the room who has been on her own journey, and she is redefining what it truly means to live life on her own terms.
• 2:19
  Lola Dada-Olley is here. She is an attorney. She's an advocate. She's a podcast host for Unapologetically Whole, which is also the name of her new book that she is launching in a couple of days. Yes.
• 2:34
  Doctor. Well, say a couple of days, but we are actually at the intersection of Autism Awareness Month and Mental Health Month. So this book is not just timely, but it's relevant. Now, Lola is not just a podcast host. She's an international keynote speaker.
• 2:52
  She's done TEDx presentations. And at the same time, she heads up the ADA team for a global black bank. So Lola is all about inclusive and accessible, well, solutions within the society. And that comes from a place of a lived experience. So Lola has two children who are both on the autistic spectrum, but also a little brother who is both intellectually disabled and autistic.
• 3:27
  So her storytelling, her passion, and her vision is really centered around a core. And we're going to explore that today. We're going to talk a little bit about Lola's book. And we're also going to talk a little bit about her journey. So join me to welcome Lola.
• 3:44
  Lola, I am so excited to have you here today.
• 3:47
  Lola: Thank you so much for having me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm so excited.
• 3:51
  Tolu: Yeah, you look really bright and green as well.
• 3:55
  Lola: I'm usually a yellow girl, but we went with green today.
• 3:58
  Tolu: We went with green today. Well, kind of blends in with the studio. So I am excited. So, Lola, it's been a journey, hasn't it?
• 4:09
  Lola: Yes. And the journey has had several journeys within it.
• 4:12
  Tolu: Yes, several, several. So I had the privilege of reading the manuscript for your book. And as I was saying to you, it touched me in multiple levels. But the first thing that I want us to to to go into is just going back to the origins. Right?
• 4:29
  To the heritage, the origins, and where all this came from. So I know one of the things you mentioned in your book, obviously, is the fact that you are from immigrant family. Right? And and I can connect with that. I can relate to that because I am the same.
• 4:44
  Right? And, you know, born of Nigerian parents who are driven, who are high achievers, they expect a lot from their children, especially where you've had the opportunity to go live outside of the country. How has that experience shaped you?
• 5:01
  Lola: Where do I begin? Being a first generation family, so we had this view of what the American dream was supposed to look like. And for us, my mom's a registered nurse, my dad's a pharmacist, the American dream was very much performance based, performance driven. Because you weren't only raised to take care of your family, your nuclear family, but extended family. So what I inherited from them is not only a very strong work ethic, but also an immense pressure to do well, not just for myself, but for the nuclear family, for the extended family, and for the greater community.
• 5:53
  So that was done both directly and indirectly.
• 5:58
  Tolu: Yeah. And as a first born girl, you're good enough, you know, you're not only expected to step into a leadership position, but also a caring position as well. It's like you cannot afford to show any signs of vulnerability because you're in charge pretty much. How did that influence your leadership journey?
• 6:22
  Lola: At first, my leadership journey didn't show the vulnerability because both the culture and then later the profession I entered into, which makes sense in this way because there was a lot of continuity there, is you don't show much vulnerability because you were concerned that it would be viewed as weakness. And then being viewed as weak would make you less effective at what you were supposed to be doing. So I viewed it as, If I'm gonna go cry, go cry in the closet, go cry in your house. Nobody's gonna see anything. The makeup's gonna be done.
• 7:04
  There's not a tear will be seen. And that worked until it didn't work. Know, I think the first of all, having a double autism diagnosis from my babies, and they were diagnosed a year apart. So and I was a young mom. I jokingly call that in the book the year of the tear because I probably cried more in the initial maybe two years post diagnosis than I maybe had ever cried in my life.
• 7:39
  And I think it's partially because I had a lot of pent up trauma that never got released. So I grew up with my baby brother, who's on the spectrum, and that was at a time when people didn't even know what the word autism was. People were immensely cruel. At least you could say now there's a bit more tolerance. I mean, we have a whole month associated But with back then, you would tell somebody, Oh, my brother's autistic.
• 8:08
  And they would literally look at you, What is that? Is that? Yeah. -And then on top of that, also being intellectually disabled, back then it wasn't called intellectual disability. It was called the R word, which I will not repeat.
• 8:22
  So I didn't realize how much I had to be strong for him, strong for my parents, that when I now experienced that shift from sibling caregiver to parent caregiver, I didn't know how much heaviness I was carrying, and it kept manifesting itself in tears. And I just didn't know how to process that. So that's why, and then entering a profession like I entered, it was very much, keep the thing the thing in that moment, and not bring the wholeness of you into it. So it wasn't until that happened that parts of me couldn't be contained anymore, but I still worked on it. Because then when I entered the workplace, after a stay at home, I had to stay at home for four years, I took care of my babies, they got the health care they needed.
• 9:17
  When I returned, some of that residue of putting up that very strong front was still there. But then it slowly started to chip away because I realized that I had profoundly changed, but I didn't know how to yet express that. So I had to come home for four years. I was a stay at home mom. I juggled seventy hours of pediatric therapy for two babies for four years across two different states.
• 9:53
  And I realized just the heaviness that I was carrying. Because it's only natural when you're parenting in this generation to think back on what happened with your brother. And the long stares, the intolerance, the family members who didn't understand. I was reliving parts of that again, but through adult eyes in an adult body, who happens to be the mother of two little humans I was fiercely trying to protect. So where the sibling caregiver, was strong, I was an advocate from a very, very young age.
• 10:37
  As a mom, I was still a strong advocate, but there were parts of me that I just couldn't control the tears when they came. And that was new for me. But now looking back with the benefit of hindsight, those were whispers. Like, Lola, this compartmentalization game you've been playing, you can only do this for so long. So the dam was breaking, but not in a bad way.
• 11:06
  I didn't know that they would be breadcrumbs to where I'd eventually end up getting to.
• 11:14
  Tolu: And that's so that's so profound, the way you've described it, because it was almost like you were living the dream, the dream of excellence, the vision of excellence that is usually given to us and say, this is the script. And then everything around you starts to crumble or seemingly starts to crumble. And then your your yourself, your your body, your system starts to react to that. And you're almost living in denial for a while to say, no. No.
• 11:48
  I am supposed to be this. I am supposed to be this leader. I'm supposed to be this advocate. I'm supposed to be this person. And then until you can do no more, you literally cannot do no Yes.
• 11:59
  Lola: So another helpful tool is therapy. And I remember and this is in the book my therapist, my default answer to almost anything for decades was, I'm fine. I'm fine. And I was in my therapist's office, and she goes, How are you feeling, really? And I said, I'm fine.
• 12:20
  She said, Fine is not a feeling. Well, true. And that kind of messed me up. And it made me think back to times when I was younger, because that was my default setting, because I think I was Now that we know more about things like body regulation, and I kept telling myself I was fine, but I wasn't addressing the underlying issues as to why I had to say out loud to myself I was fine in the first place.
• 12:45
  Tolu: So
• 12:47
  Lola: taking that through line, that strong older sister within a Nigerian family or immigrant family growing up, and then I went partially into law school, well, it's in the book as well, is I chose a profession in part to protect my baby brother. I didn't sit down and ask, Did I love this profession? Like, What about me? I've always thought of myself until recently through the eyes of someone else. Looks like someone needs to protect Kunni in this house.
• 13:18
  Okay. It'll be me. Kunni is my little brother's name, by the way. Someone has to protect Kunni, like, in the legal profession, because so many of us, being Nigerian, everybody was in health care. I was like, Okay, health care check.
• 13:30
  Done. But legally, how would this look? Funny thing is, in law school, one of my highest grades happened to be disability rights, and I still didn't put two and two together. It's just, Okay, I'll become this lawyer, and then just in case Kunni needs me, I'm better armed than I was. So being Nigerian, when my dad approached me and said, Oh, you should do this medicine or this medicine, as Nigerian fathers do, I told him, I'm afraid of blood.
• 14:03
  And then he said, Well, why don't you consider law school? And I thought back to Kunni. So those two things combined is, This works. I can take care of Kunni. So then, going through law, again, I kept chasing traditional notions of what success was going to be like, or look like, I should say, based on, again, this American dream.
• 14:31
  So I didn't always pursue maybe practices of law that I actually enjoyed maybe. It was more of, Okay, what's best for the marketplace? How can I sustain a job regardless of what happens because I got to take care of Kunni? It always went back to the caregiving part of me. I got to take care of Kulme.
• 14:53
  I never thought that there would be a scenario where I would have three neurodivergent family members who would either require extra care or lifetime care. And when that happened, I said, Okay, now I got to take care of kunni. Yes, I always got to take care of kunni. But what about my babies, too? Can I handle this?
• 15:17
  And for that period of time, as I talk to you and think about this out loud, I was afraid of failing them. So the tears were a part of, I know how this movie can end because my brother is now an adult. And if I don't get my children the resources they need, I can fail them. So then it was another form of immense pressure I now put on myself. That wasn't fair to me and wasn't fair to my husband wasn't fair to the nuclear family I was building.
• 15:52
  It just wasn't fair to me as a human being at all.
• 15:56
  Tolu: Yeah. But it's that immense expectation.
• 16:00
  Lola: Yes.
• 16:00
  Tolu: And the expectation started from within. It wasn't even society giving edge at this time. It was more from the inside.
• 16:08
  Lola: Yes. It was that mix with culture because the women in my life or the women in the culture were always strong. You rarely saw them cry. At least the ones I saw, you rarely saw them cry. They stood up to their family members when they needed to, especially if it affected their kids.
• 16:31
  I didn't always see that in my home. That's also in the book. But I saw a lot of strength, and it was not the type of strength I would learn to exhibit, but it was a lot of bold, bravado type strength. So both the men and the women, they were loud. They were confident.
• 16:55
  I because maybe my makeup, it took me a long time to advocate for myself. I was very good at advocating for others. It took me a while to develop my own style of strength, which tends to be a bit quieter. Mhmm. I could tussle if I have to, but I tend to my default setting is more quiet.
• 17:19
  But it took me a while to get there. So it was a mix of the lies we tell ourselves, you know, as well as what I saw in society, at least that outward bold face. Yeah. Because if you know a Nigerian, we're very good Oh, yeah, definitely. That boldness we have on lock.
• 17:42
  But when it comes to the substantive, like, the inner work, like, why am I doing what I'm doing? Am I doing it so that other people in the community can say, Oh, she's amazing. She went to law school. She entered x type of practice of law, mergers and acquisitions. Nothing against mergers and acquisitions.
• 18:02
  But something that's more traditional when you think of a lawyer or she's a judge. Something that's traditionally a lawyer when you think of a lawyer. That's something our society would be like, great job. Something that's very human centered, that may not pay on the level of these other things. That could be something where someone may pull you to the side, like, Are you sure?
• 18:31
  Are you sure?
• 18:32
  Tolu: This is not charity. This is not charity. I said that everywhere. Yeah. Are you?
• 18:37
  Lola: And I had to deprogram. So in the advocacy guide of my book, I talk about the three recognizing the lane you now find yourself in, redefining success on your own terms in a way that's customized for you, not for other people, not so that other people can say, Oh, Lola, you are doing that good job. And then reimagining what it now means to thrive in your circumstances. What does that really look like? And when I did this radical introspection, especially during the pandemic, everything was shut down for a little bit in Texas, not a lot,
• 19:20
  Tolu: but for
• 19:20
  Lola: enough of time. And it was shut down, and it forced this radical introspection. The distractions were gone. I had to ask myself, Lola, because everyone thought about their mortality on some level at that time. And I had to ask myself, if I were to go this year, because we were hearing about all these random It was a very scary time.
• 19:43
  If I were to go by the end of the year, and I didn't pursue this podcast or work more on my writing, I would be really angry with myself. And that cape that that that kept coming back to my room. Like, Lola, you'd be really like, just do this. You don't know how it's gonna end up. You have no idea.
• 20:06
  But just do it because if you don't, you're gonna be really, really mad at yourself. And that's how I eventually got to where I am now.
• 20:13
  Tolu: Yeah. And that's how I met you as well. Remember, it was during the pandemic. It during the pandemic. And I'm like, this lady is so content and happy.
• 20:24
  And you don't find that very often. And then when you get to know the backstory, you're like, in the midst of all this, she's found herself and assurance. So talk to us talk us about talk to us about that. Like, how did you navigate all that to the point where you found acceptance? Because from that acceptance, from that self acceptance came something that radiated all across.
• 20:54
  And that's what we're seeing now. Like, when we see your website or your speaking engagements and everything else, it was the radiation from moment, that that pivot. So how did you get to that point?
• 21:10
  Lola: I realized too much of myself was viewing myself as only a caregiver, as only one thing. So, like I mentioned earlier, through the eyes of other people. So, Felana, Laro's mom, Kunni's big sister, Olu and Beatrice's daughter. I didn't spend enough time because I was always going, going, going, going. And every time I got a little bit of time to learn more about me, something major happened.
• 21:41
  I initially left work to care for a two year old and a six month old at the time. And I thought I would use that time to not only raise my little babies, but also trying to figure out who is La la. And instead of that happening, the double autism diagnosis came. My next opportunity, ironically, was the pandemic. So I asked myself a really hard question that I was first asked the year before but didn't know how to answer.
• 22:17
  It was like, Lola, who were you before you ever became a caregiver? And I was a sibling caregiver as early as nine. So I had to go back to old memories. La la, who were you really? And yes, I advocated for my brother.
• 22:35
  That became a natural part of me, and that will always be a part of me, and that now manifests itself in the practice of law that I'm in now. But I was a creative too. And there are little again, God gives you little whispers before He starts to yell. Like just little whispers. And after law school, I went back to journalism school, journalism and media management.
• 22:57
  Really? I didn't know that part. After passing the bar exam. Oh, really? That's not a You don't do that unless you have a yearning for another side of you.
• 23:06
  Tolu: And
• 23:07
  Lola: then it happened, I graduated, and I suppressed it again for years. And then the pandemic came, and I said, Let me launch this podcast and just see. And the joy of both practicing law and doing this podcast, I just felt this. I can't fully describe it. I guess now, because I have more words, it was I felt a wholeness come about me.
• 23:35
  I realized I was starving parts of myself because I was on autopilot trauma. I get it. When you're deep in trauma, autopilot is needed. Survival mode is needed.
• 23:47
  Tolu: It's needed. Yes.
• 23:48
  Lola: But once you start to step out of that towards wholeness, that mix of the two, I was running on all and I won't say all cylinders, because we're still in the midst of the pandemic, but way more cylinders than I ever was. And then something really magical happened. I think it's God driven. Some may call it the universe. But to me, I felt like it was God driven.
• 24:13
  The moment I said, Okay, I'm going to stop starving this other side of myself, I am more than one thing, and it's Okay, the opportunities that came, including the role I now have practicing law. From that decision in 2020 to launch a podcast at the time, it was called Not Your Mama's Autism. It was a play on words. It was kind of comparing my mother's autism journey to my own. From there, I was asked to do my first virtual speech.
• 24:51
  I did that, and it was paid. I said, Okay. Then I got asked to do a TEDx talk. And the pandemic was still going on. There was nobody in the audience.
• 25:04
  Tolu: So
• 25:05
  Lola: if you see the video, it looks like, Oh, yeah, there's nobody in the audience but the production crew and my husband. Because of, you know, the public health concerns at the time. And I gave this, and we had about three or four weeks to prep. After I did that and I delivered basically a ten minute speech that condensed 30 of my life into ten minutes, and I was able to do it with a four week lead time, I learned I further confirmed that beyond caregiving, I can do hard things. I can do hard things.
• 25:46
  And I could do it fairly decently. And then you don't know where speeches will go when they're taped. And it got into the hands of my current employer. I was in a totally different role at the bank. And someone saw it and then made it part of that ear's off-site.
• 26:08
  So at one time, the entire legal department saw an entirely different part of me. And I got a ping from the head of the ADA legal team at the time. And she said, Lola, you want to do some special assignments for me? That was about four years, four or five years ago now. The special assignments evolved into a full time role.
• 26:39
  I worked under her for nearly three years. She retired. And I now lead the ADA So legal in June 2020, I believe, I decided to launch a podcast. Strategy from the decision that I made in 2020. And along the way, this book, a documentary that streamed on Hulu, they're all these different.
• 27:09
  So I was able to combine both the creative side of me, advocacy side of me, and being a legal strategist within this global banking institution, all because I allowed myself to believe that I could do hard things beyond caregiving.
• 27:32
  Tolu: Yeah. And it wasn't just that, you know, the belief was one thing, but it was the for me, I hear you say the acceptance Yes. Of who you had been designed to be from the onset. I remember the first part of your book you talked about you wanted to be a writer for a long time.
• 27:52
  Lola: Wow. Yeah. And
• 27:54
  Tolu: and you'd write plays, and you'd do this, and you did that. So that part was already baked was there. It was there. The the storytelling
• 28:02
  Lola: It was there.
• 28:03
  Tolu: Was there. And somehow I can see how the storytelling and advocacy go together because for you to advocate, you've got to appeal to the hearts and the minds. So I can see it's almost like you were the design was there. The the rocket ship was built from day one, but it was probably just parked outside the house.
• 28:25
  Lola: That's a good way to put it. And I couldn't find the keys for a long time. For a long time.
• 28:31
  Lola: But then once I found those keys Keys. Yeah. It's that is a great way to put it. Because now that I look back, with the benefit of hindsight, I see how all the pieces had to come together. I really do.
• 28:45
  I really do. And I also see how much, for me, and everyone does advocacy a different way, those who choose this life, because it's not an easy life. I chose storytelling, to your point, because it's an innate part of me.
• 29:04
  And
• 29:06
  it's a quiet, but over the long term, I believe, effective way to get people to better understand something. Data is very important, but data plus a story is magic.
• 29:21
  Tolu: It's magic.
• 29:22
  Lola: So that's what I've learned to do, you know, through the practice of law, data associated with that, and then my personal story as I enter rooms. And our family has a mission statement, like any organization. And the mission statement is, stop chasing traditional notions of success, and instead, find the significance in the rooms you do find yourself in. And that does take deprogramming. And sometimes there's still some residue there, and you have to talk to yourself and say, Lola, do I need to be here?
• 30:04
  Is this really going to best put the story in the way you think it should be put? Those were the decision points behind the documentary. Because quite frankly, in this space, and for more background for those who don't fully know my story, but I have a child who will require lifetime care. My daughter is both intellectually disabled and autistic. And then my baby brother is the same.
• 30:33
  My son is what you would call twice exceptional in some circles. So he's gifted. He learned to read on his own. And he's autistic. So having that level and depth of having even different ends of the spectrum in the same home, the decision making on whether or not we need to make our story public in a visual way took a lot of thought.
• 31:01
  We sat down with the director and really asked her, What do you want to do with our family? What is your goal? We talked it through. And they made us feel safe. And that's why we chose the partner we chose.
• 31:19
  Because it's a very It's not an easy life to navigate because you have to also think through these are your children. And this is how, you want to make your story public, society will view them, will view you indirectly. And you have to think through what that looks like, especially since historically, whether it be in corporate circles and personal circles, autism and disability is through one type of lens. There aren't a lot of families showing multigenerational autism through an immigrant lens, through all these other lenses that I literally sit in. It's not as common.
• 32:06
  So we want to take care because at the end of the day, autism and disability, it's just a different way of being human.
• 32:15
  Tolu: Yes. Indeed. Indeed. And and you're showing that being human is multifaceted. And it's all encompassing.
• 32:26
  You just need to embrace it and still shine unapologetically. And that's what I love when you rebranded and stuff. Just love the name because you're talking about bringing in your full self, your whole self, and not hiding bits behind or trying to explain it to anybody, is you're just living on it apologetically. But what I also really value about your approach is the fact that it is subtle. Sometimes it could come across as subtle, but I do know there's that.
• 32:58
  That's just a facade. But it was said, it is consistent. The same message consistently shared and cascaded. And it's it's turning, you know, the the heads of people to to come listen because of that consistency and stability. And and and I I believe I wanna I wanna touch on that for someone who's in the audience right now who might be thinking, well, you don't know the chaos I'm going through.
• 33:31
  What is that one thing you will tell them to bring that grounding to help them to launch to the next level?
• 33:41
  Lola: Yeah. I think everyone needs a season of radical introspection. Because I was in the middle of deep, deep, deep trauma during the pandemic. Our caregivers went away. In the same day, my husband and I would be on work calls, then turn into special education teachers, upon which we have no experience in, trying to teach our kids virtually with the help of the teachers on Zoom.
• 34:11
  And for our daughter, she's high touch, meaning she needs a lot of hand over hand instruction. So balancing that on top of all the therapies she needed at the time suddenly went virtual, too. So in the same day, I was a lawyer, a speech therapist, a physical therapist, an occupational therapist, a special education teacher.
• 34:35
  Tolu: You're still mommy.
• 34:36
  Lola: And I'm still mommy. It was one night where I was just There's one point in the pandemic, I was so tired I couldn't even sleep. I was like, How can you be so tired that you couldn't put yourself to I was exhausted, but my mind was racing. And I said, Lola, you need to find a couple of pockets, even if it's five minutes. And that's what I did.
• 35:02
  And I started to look forward to just those five minutes. So to that person in the audience who feels like especially people are starting to look at me and say, You make it look so easy. That's a double edged sword because it really did start with pockets of five minutes. And pockets of five minutes can eventually develop a mindset shift over time, but you really have to start very, very small. Because I was, again, I was sucked back into a world of fear during the pandemic, because our daughter is also she was at the time in a classroom with medically fragile children.
• 35:48
  She's very medically complex. I was so fearful of all the things that could happen. So I used those five minute pockets to remind myself of the fullness of who I am. And it helped tremendously. And here we are now.
• 36:07
  Tolu: Here we are now. Wow. Wow. And this is just the starting point. I mean, we're talking about five years ago.
• 36:14
  What is the next five years going to be?
• 36:19
  Lola: Well, I hope to write more books. More books? I hope to write more books. I hope to grow in my role. The official promotion, everything happened earlier this year, so I'm wrapping my mind around that, and just the fullness of that, and having just such a supportive team, both up and down the management chain, they help me to be whole in a way that I know is not common in other places.
• 36:51
  I know it's very, very much not common in other places. So I feel blessed. And it doesn't What's interesting is, when I was younger, I thought being blessed meant everything was great. I didn't fully embrace how you can be blessed and still have immense challenges. And you feel it because you're human.
• 37:14
  But with the blessing comes an understanding that it will work out the way it's supposed to work out. And I didn't fully understand that when I was younger. So yes, challenges come. You know, as a mom this morning, my husband left, took his red eye flight to go out of town for work. Somebody may or may not have given her daughter nighttime cough medicine instead of daytime.
• 37:41
  But it happens. Yeah. You know, I spend a whole hour, you know, debating, you know, with myself, like, How did you do this, Lola? How did you do this? You're a whole lawyer.
• 37:53
  How'd you do this? I eventually gave her and myself grace. I'm ready to be called by the school. Maybe she'll just be a lot more mellow today. We'll see.
• 38:05
  We'll see. But the old me would have catastrophized longer and ran into all these worst case scenarios. And then But now, when you come from the road I came from I talked to my therapist yesterday. She goes, How are you feeling? I said, Triumphant.
• 38:24
  I said, I'm triumphant with a little bit of cellulite. And she laughed. I can I can hold tension now in a way I I couldn't Well,
• 38:36
  Tolu: that's resilience right there? You're talking about resilience because it's not about the weight of the tension. It's about how tough you are to to handle if you think about it from the physics physical physics perspective. And that's what you're saying is, like, sometimes it feels like, yeah, this tension is too big.
• 38:55
  Lola: Yeah.
• 38:56
  Tolu: But with the right resilience, elasticity, it could be managed. Yeah. And I I wanna speak speak to the community out there because, you know, this is the Black Business Live Podcast. We are here we are hearing a very profound personal journey. And when you hear these stories, typically, you say, Oh, yeah, this parent is dealing with this, and it's all thinking the mental programming is doom and gloom.
• 39:23
  Right? But Lola has shared very explicit details of the steps she took. One of them was introspection. The others was building resilience over time, toughening up those muscles over time until it was difficult, it was easier to deal with the pressure, however tough it is, and still be able to face life head on and deal with it.
• 39:53
  Lola: And that's a great point because the role I now sit in now as a corporate executive, as a leader, I don't think I would have been equipped for that role in the midst of the pandemic at the stage of motherhood I was at. But now, the level of resilience, God forbid, if something were to happen, I am far more equipped to not only take care of myself as a leader, but to take care of my team members. I have a level of EQ. Not to brag, it's quite high. And I do my best, whether I'm with my team members on Zoom or in person, I try to pay attention to who they are as people, how they're feeling, what other things are they grappling with.
• 40:49
  Where are their growth areas? How can I help my team members be more visible? Because it's not only about me. And quite frankly, if they shine and one day even get promoted over me, I'm Okay. Because I'm Okay with myself.
• 41:07
  Because I'm a whole person before I even got to work. So when people talk about bringing more of themselves to work, and quite frankly, the dangers associated with doing so, I often tell people, before you even get to work, bring your whole self to life first.
• 41:22
  Tolu: To life, yeah.
• 41:23
  Lola: Because then you could better understand, Okay, this work opportunity that's coming up, or if I'm in a room and an opportunity potentially comes up, I need to know myself more to better understand whether or not that's an avenue I really want to go down, or am I just going down that avenue because it looks shiny and nice? Like, I've turned down management roles in the past at this bank because I knew myself enough to know it's not the right time. So now when this opportunity came, I knew I was ready in a different way because I spent a lot of time learning about me. And that is so important. And sometimes you have to know yourself enough more, enough to know that even though I may not fully be ready for this opportunity, I still better take it.
• 42:21
  But there, you have to spend a lot of time with yourself. And with all these distractions in life now, all these screens, it's easy to not spend time with yourself, to check-in with yourself. Is this something I still want to be doing? Do I want to grow in this area? Do I want to pivot?
• 42:43
  Why would I want to pivot? Why would I want to grow? Why do I want to start this business on the side? Why do I want to go into public speaking? What's tied to that?
• 42:54
  Why do I want to because if you look at me now, there's a whole ecosystem, and it connects and it makes sense. But I spent a lot of time figuring out what I like and what I don't like, and why I don't like it or why I do like it.
• 43:09
  Tolu: Yeah. And and, you know, there's many people in our community who who have a full time job and they're thinking about going into business. In fact, when I set up All Things Black and Beautiful, it was because I saw everybody quitting their jobs and going to start a business. And I'm like, well, who's gonna support them? Who's gonna promote them and, you know, advocate for them and bring them the visibility they need?
• 43:33
  But it's, you know, that's the default. That's the group think. Go start your business. But that even is more difficult because then you are on your own. Yeah.
• 43:43
  And this inner work becomes even more profound because you might be thinking you're doing things on your own terms, but it may be a reflection of what the society wants or you think society wants you to do.
• 43:59
  Lola: Absolutely. Yeah. It was a very small, very small, cause I have two women I look up to in the autism advocacy space, and they both had nonprofits. And when I launched the podcast, I was like, and then someone suggested that I make the podcast a nonprofit. And I said, Okay, I'm gonna do a nonprofit and run a nonprofit.
• 44:20
  And then I filed it, and then I asked myself, I don't even want to I don't think I wanna do this. So I dissolved it. But those are the type of examples of learning who you are along the way. And you'll make mistakes and it's Okay. Part of this journey is learning to be Okay with making mistakes.
• 44:42
  And sometimes public ones. And that takes time too, to get there. Because a public mistake is just a lesson learned.
• 44:52
  Tolu: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. It's a mistake. It's just
• 44:56
  Lola: spot there in the open. It's out there in the open. Yes, obviously, it's natural. You're a human being. There's embarrassment.
• 45:04
  There's all these type of lame things. But if you at least learn from it, you're just better off.
• 45:09
  Tolu: Better off. Wow. Well, this has been it's like sitting down just chatting and having coffee. And I always enjoy our conversations. There's just so much wealth of wisdom.
• 45:24
  I know your book is coming out soon. What is that one thing you want people to do? Having read your book, it's a lot, but if there was one thing, what would that thing be?
• 45:41
  Lola: Being human in a way that is unique to you is paramount to growth. You can have people influence you, but you should not imitate them. There's a difference. There's a big difference. I heard a quote, I believe it's Nona Jones, who said this.
• 46:05
  She said, All of us are born originals, but too many of us die duplicates. I hope this book gives people permission to be more of themselves and not less. And the trauma along the way can be a form of growth, if you have the courage to fully face it.
• 46:27
  Tolu: The trauma along the way could be a form of growth if you have the courage to face it. Yeah, that's the courage. But thank you so much, Lola.
• 46:39
  Lola: Thank you.
• 46:39
  Tolu: Thank you for sharing. And I'm looking forward to finishing the book because I know there's a worksheet and there's a couple of other things
• 46:46
  Lola: There's in a self care journal. There's an advocacy guide. If you sign up on my website, you can get the self care journal, worksheet. But then also in the back of the book, once you purchase it, it's an advocacy guide that talks through how to advocate for yourself, for children in your life. So one day at a time.
• 47:08
  Tolu: Are you going have a kiddies version that we can give out to our girls?
• 47:13
  Lola: Ideas are coming. Ideas. That's a good idea. That's a great idea.
• 47:16
  Tolu: Great idea. So what do you want the community to do for you? I know you're here. You've we've talked about your book. We've talked about your journey.
• 47:23
  And we never leave our guests without putting back into into your mission as well. I know we're gonna have the link to the website. Yes. What would you like the community, our community, to do?
• 47:34
  Lola: That would be amazing. I would love for this book to get into the hands of parent caregivers, of organizations that support caregivers, whether they're seasonal caregivers or lifetime caregivers. Maybe purchase a book for your local library. I would want multiple avenues for caregivers to understand what's possible as you're dealing with the trauma of the everyday. Because the difference between a caregiver, particularly a lifetime caregiver, and even other caregivers and other members of society is, for us, it's not a season.
• 48:22
  We're going to deal with this for the rest of our lives. So if you're a mental health advocate, if you are an autism or disability advocate of some kind, I would love for you to help me get this book in their hands.
• 48:39
  Tolu: All right. And there you go. We will have the QR code, and it will be displayed on the screen. So we want you to help us get this book to the hands of others. So it doesn't cost anything to buy one and place in your library.
• 48:52
  It doesn't cost anything to have it in your school or to donate it to a school or to donate it to a caregiver. Join us on this mission to get this book and this story and this journey in the hands of lifetime caregivers who truly and genuinely need the support. Thank you again, Nourla. This has been wonderful. And I can't wait to see the episode air.
• 49:18
  And I can't wait for the book launch as well, which is happening in
• 49:22
  Lola: June. Yes. Thank you. And this book will be released May 12.
• 49:26
  Tolu: May 12. May 12. So there you go. This is the Black Business Live Podcast. We are amplifying excellence culture and community.
• 49:34
  And we believe that these stories are positioned to help us to navigate our own leadership journeys, but at the same time, make the impact that we desire. So thank you. Thank you, Lola, and hope to see you all soon.