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Transcript

The Friend Who Owes You Money · All About Friendships

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Three hundred dollars? Three! I lent my friend three hundred
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: dollars in March, and it is now almost November, and
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: yesterday he posted a photo of himself at a rooftop
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: bar holding a cocktail that costs more than my electric bill.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: A cocktail with smoke coming out of it. Smoke! My
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: money is literally evaporating into the air above a rooftop
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: in the fall of cocktail fog, and I am supposed
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: to just like the photo and move on.
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: Did you like the photo?
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: I stared at the photo for 11 minutes. I zoomed
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: in on the cocktail. I tried to read the menu
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: board behind him to calculate the exact price of my betrayal.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: And then, and this is the sick part, I typed
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: a comment, deleted it, typed another comment, deleted that one too,
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: and finally just sent him a thumbs up emoji, which
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: in my family is the international symbol for I am
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: keeping a list. And you are on it.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: The sun returns. Last time it was a war crime
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: committed against you. Now you're the one deploying it. Character development.
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: But hold on. Back up. Because the people need the
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: full picture. You lent $ 300 in March. It is almost
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: November as he mentioned it. Has there been a single
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: text they signal, hey man, about the money? I have
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: not forgotten anything.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: Nothing. Not one word. We have talked about basketball. We
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: have talked about his car. We have talked about a
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: documentary about competitive cheese rolling, which is a real thing
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: that exists and took up 40 minutes of my life.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: I will never get back. But the $ 300 has never
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: once entered the chat. It is the ghost at every dinner.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: It is sitting at the table with us and only
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: I can see it.
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: And you have never brought it up either, have you?
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: Be honest. This is a friendship podcast. We do honesty
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: here even when it itches.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: I have not brought it up because the second I
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: bring it up, I become the money guy. I become
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: the accountant of the friendship. Nobody wants to be the
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: friend who sends the hey man just following up on
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: that $ 300 text. That text ends friendships faster than betrayal.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: And yet not sending it is also ending the friendship. Slowly,
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: one rooftop cocktail photo at a time. It is a
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: trap with no exit.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: That right there is the whole episode in one. Rooftop bars.
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: Everybody listening has been one of you. Everybody has been
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: the Paul staring at a photo doing cocktail math. A
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: friend sipping the smoke drink, genuinely having forgotten. or genuinely
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: hoping everyone else forgot. Tonight, we are talking about the
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: friend who owes you money, how it happens, why nobody
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: talks about it, and what to actually do before the
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: friendship becomes a collections agency with memories.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to All About Friendships. I am Paul. I
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: am the one who lends money with a full heart
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: and then develops a supernatural ability to notice every single
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: purchase the borrower makes for the rest of time. New shoes?
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: Noted.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: Vacation?
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: Logged.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: Fancy cocktail with smoke? Photographed. Timestamped. Entered into evidence.
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: And I'm Edziel, the one who has a strict personal
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: policy about lending money to friends. A policy I developed
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: after getting burned exactly once. The way you only need
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: to touch a hot stove one time to become a
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: stove scholar for life. Today, we are talking about the
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: friend who owes you money. The loan that was supposed
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: to take two weeks. The casual, can you spot me then,
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: answer the second calendar year. The group dinner view that
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: one person keeps forgetting. And the question nobody wants to
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: ask out loud. Is it the money? Or is it
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: what the money means?
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: Oh, it is what the money means. The money is
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: never just the money. $ 300 will not change my life.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: But being forgotten will rearrange my whole personality for a month.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: If you have ever rehearsed a casual reminder text in
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: the shower. If you have ever done the mental math
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: of how many dinners your lent money could have bought.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: If you have ever said the words, it is not
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: about the money, while your voice cracked on the word money,
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: tonight is for you. Put this on while you do
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: the dishes, while you drive, while you stare at somebody's
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: vacation photos doing betrayal arithmetic. Let us get into it.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: Ha ha ha ha.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: Betrayal illiterate. That is going in the friendship dictionary. But first,
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: the weekly catch-up. Because even debt collectors need to hydrate.
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: And gossip.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: Alright, weekly catch-up. And I am going first. Because my
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: week has a theme. And the theme is financial damage.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: Not the $ 300. That wound is old and has its
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: own room in my heart now. No, this week. I
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: discovered that my so-called smart budgeting app, the one I
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: downloaded to become a responsible adult, has been quietly judging
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: me for six weeks and finally sent me a notification
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: that said, and I quote, unusual spending detected in dining out. Unusual?
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: I spent $ 40 on tacos. Tacos are not unusual spending.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: Tacos are a food group.
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: Your budgeting app staged an intervention. How much was the
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: taco damage? Exactly. Because $ 40 in tacos is either a
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: feast for six or a cry for help for one.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: It was a feast for three. I took two friends out,
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: which is generous, which is friendship, which the app should
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: be celebrating instead of flagging like suspicious activity. But here's
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: the part that connects to tonight, and I promise this
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: is real. One of the friends I took out is
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: the same friend. The $ 300 friend. And when the bill came,
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: he reached for it. He actually reached for the bill.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: And I said, no, no, I got it. I invited you.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: And then I walked home thinking about those tacos for
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: an hour. An hour. I bought tacos for the man
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: who owes me $ 300. And I declined his money on
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: top of it. Who is the clown here?
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: It is me.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: I am the clown. I have the little hat and everything.
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: Wait, hold on. Pause the clown makeup for one second
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: because this is actually important. He reached for the bill
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: that is data. The man who supposedly forgot $ 300 tried
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: to pay for tacos. What does that tell you? Either
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: he remembers and the guilt is eating him alive one
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: taco at a time or he genuinely compartmentalized the loan
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: into a locked room in his brain and the taco
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: reach was pure instinct. Which one is it? Because those
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: are two very different friendships.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: That is exactly the question I chewed on for the
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: whole walk home. And I decided, and tell me if
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: this is growth or delusion, I decided it means he
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: is a good guy in a bad pattern. He is
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: not evil. Evil does not reach for the taco bill.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: Evil orders dessert. But good guys with bad patterns are
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: somehow harder to confront than villains. Because with a villain,
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: you just send the text and burn the bridge and
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: feel righteous. With a good guy, every draft of the
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: text sounds mean. Even the polite won't. Say, man, hope
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: you are well. Just circling back. Circling back? I sound
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: like a landlord.
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: He felt like a landlord because the friendship temporarily became
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: a landlord situation and nobody signed up for that lease. Okay,
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: my week and mine is lighter, I promise. No clowns,
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: no tacos, no landlords. My week was about my neighbor's dog.
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: My neighbor went out of town and asked me to
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: feed his dog for four days. Simple job, scoop, bowl, water, done.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: Except this dog, this beautiful gold-olive tree-burning biscuit, has decided
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: that I am now his best friend. Not a temporary arrangement,
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: a permanent promotion. He follows me from room to room.
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: He sits on my feet. Yesterday, he dragged his leash
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: to my door at six in the morning, sat down
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: and stared at me like, well, we live here now.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: This is our routine.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: You're unadopted by a dog in four days? That is
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: the fastest friendship formation in recorded history. Meanwhile, I have
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: known the $ 300 man for nine years and I cannot
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: get him to acknowledge a debt. Biscuit committed harder in
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: 96 hours than some people commit in a decade.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: Biscuit. It's on your trust to zero counting, which is
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: better than ideal friendship, or exactly how you end up. $ 300.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: No letters, no receipts. Just vibes and leash-lagging. And only watching.
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: I thought about tonight's topic. Biscuit gives everything and expects breakfast.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: That is it. Yes, whole financial model is... Be lovable,
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: receive kibble.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: And it works.
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: I bought new treats. Premium treats. The friendship economy functioning perfectly.
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: No split sheet squared.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: Until Biscuit borrows $ 300 for a rooftop cocktail. Then we
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: will see how pure that trust is. No, but seriously,
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: I love that because it names the dream. The dream
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: is Biscuit economics. Everybody generous. Everybody fed. Nobody keeping score.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: And tonight, we have to talk about what happens when
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: somebody eats the kibble, orders the cocktail, and forgets the
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: whole arrangement. Speaking of forgetting things, you owe me a
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: birthday gift reaction. Three weeks of suspense. My gift has
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: been wrapped so long, the tape has achieved vintage status.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: Are you ready to pretend to be surprised?
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: My eyebrows have been training for three weeks. They are ready.
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: They have been doing eyebrow pushups. every morning. But the
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: gift stays wrapped until the actual date because anticipation is
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: the only currency in this friendship that has never caused
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: a conflict. All right, Taco Limbo, Black Economist, are you
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: ready to talk about the friend who owes you my money?
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: Because somewhere out there, somebody just posted vacation photos while
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: owing 400 different people and all four of them just
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: saw it. And all four group chats are active right now.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: Let us go. To everyone doing betrayal arithmetic on somebody's
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: beach photos tonight, put down the calculator, pick up this episode,
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: and let us figure out together whether it is the
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: money or what the money means.
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: We are back. Paul has put down the calculator. I
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: have stopped buying premium dog treats. And we are ready
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: to look at the actual numbers. Because this topic has numbers.
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: And the numbers are honestly shocking. So here is the headline.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: A LendingTree survey found that more than 1 in 3 Americans, 36%,
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: have lost a friendship because of money. Not tension. Not awkwardness. Lost.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: The friendship ended. And 41% have had tension or a
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: disagreement with friends over money, that means if you have
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: 10 friends, 3 or 4 of them have a money
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: story with your name in it, or you have one
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: with theirs.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: Wait, wait, 36%? More than 1 in 3? That is
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: not a friendship problem. That is a friendship pandemic. We
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: talk about ghosting, we talk about group chats, we talk
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: about scorekeeping. But money is out here ending one in
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: three friendships like a silent assassin. And nobody warns you.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: When you make a new friend, nobody hands you a
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: little pamphlet that says congratulations. There is a 36% chance
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: this ends over an unpaid dinner bill.
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: And it gets heavier. Bank of America did a whole
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: report called the Friends Again Report. And they found that
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: more than half of consumers have seen a friendship end
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: over money owed. More than half. Seen it happen. And
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: 77% believe IOUs are harmful to friendships. 77. So the
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: vast majority of people walk into LinkedIn already believing the
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: IOU itself is poison. They hand over the money, holding
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: their nose. And here's my favorite detail. Friends would rather
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: talk about nearly anything, family, drama, even their weight, before
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: talking about money owed. Money is the last step. You
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: can tell your friend about your embarrassing rash before you
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: can say, hey, remember the $ 200? There's a hauling one out.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: That is so real it hurts. I have had deeper
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: conversations with my dentist than I have had with the
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: $ 300 man about the $ 300. And the dentist was holding
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: a drill. There is something about owed money that turns
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: two adults into two teenagers who cannot make eye contact. Okay,
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: give me more numbers. Because I want the full horror movie.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: How many people just never pay back? Because in my heart,
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: the answer is everyone. but I accept that my heart
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: is currently a biased witness.
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: Your heart is biased, but not wrong. A 2024 unbred
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: financial study found that 30% of friends who borrow money
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: never pay it back. 30%. Nearly one in three loans
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: becomes a gift that nobody agreed was a gift. And
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: 33% said non-repayment was a key reason for tension. Plus
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: 26% admit they're financially incompatible with their friends. Which is
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: a polite survey way of saying my friend orders appetizers
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: and disappears when the bill arrives. And get this, there
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: is a gender split. 24% of men say money destroyed
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: a friendship versus 17% of women. So men, statistically, are
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: out here ending friendships over money more often.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: As a man currently being slowly destroyed by $ 300, I
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: feel seen by that statistic and I resent it. Okay,
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: but here is the number that actually broke my brain
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: when you sent me the research. The median friend loan
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: is only about $ 250. $ 250. That is from a 2012
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: study of 971 Americans by researchers named Desso and Lewinstein.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: The typical loan between friends is $ 250. Not $ 2, 000. Not
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: a down payment. $ 250 is ending friendships. That proves the thesis.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: It is not the money. Nobody's life is ruined by $ 250.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: It is what the money means.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: Exactly. Say the thesis louder for the people doing beach
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: photo math. $ 250 is a nice dinner for two. It
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: is half a plane ticket. It is objectively survivable. But
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: it ends friendships because it stops being about dollars and
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: starts being about respect, memory, priority. When you post the
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: Ruth Hopp cocktail, you are not thinking about $ 300. You
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: are thinking, I was fattable. My generosity was forgettable. That
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: is the wound. In the same study, we found something
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: else fascinating. Borrowers and lenders remember overdue loans completely differently.
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: Who fed the loan? Whether anyone is avoiding anyone? Whether
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: a repayment was ever discussed? Two people, same loan, two
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: different movies playing. The lenders watching a drama, a book
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: with trivia. The Barrow is watching a comedy where everything
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: is fine.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: Oh, that is the whole thing. That is the taco reach.
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: In my movie, he is the villain sipping smoked cocktails
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: on my dime. In his movie, he is a good
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: guy having tacos with his friend, reaching for the bill
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: like a gentleman. Same tacos, different movies. No wonder nobody
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: talks about it. You cannot have a conversation when you
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: are not even in the same genre. One more number
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: because I need the full picture. How many of these
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: loans even have terms, like sit-down, agreed repayment terms?
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: Mention from the testatives, oh, Sanana. A 2025 study found
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: that 93% of Americans exchanged financial help in the past year.
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: So this is universal. Nearly everyone does it. But 39%
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: relied on poor trust with no formal agreement. Only 18%
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: discussed repayment before the money changed hands. 18? So 8
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: out of 10 friendlings begin with vibes. Can you spot me? Yeah, sure.
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: That is the whole contract. Two texts and a prayer.
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: And then, 31% say repayment was never expected because it
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: was a gift. So, you have lenders thinking loon, borrowers
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: thinking gift, and 18% bothering to clarify which one it is.
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: It is a miracle any friendship survives. It is like
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: being at a house where nobody agrees whether it is
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: a house or a boat and then acting surprised when
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: it sinks.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: Houseboat built on vibes. That is every friend loan that
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: ever existed. Okay, so the scene is set. One in
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: three friendships lost. 77% fear the IOU. Median loan, $ 250.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: 82% with no terms. We are all out here building
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: houseboats and watching them sink. Now let us get personal,
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: because statistics are the skeleton, but the stories are the meat.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: And I have stories. Oh, do I have stories. Starting
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: with the full autopsy of the $ 300. The autopsy table
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: is ready.
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: No names. Full honesty. All amounts on the record. Walk
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: us through the $ 300.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: All right. The full story. No names because he listens
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: to this podcast. And I would like to keep at
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: least the theoretical possibility of getting paid back. Last March. March.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: Eight months ago. He calls me. His car broke down.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: Not a luxury problem. A real problem. Transmission issue. Needs $ 800.
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: He has $ 500. He is short $ 300. Payday is two
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: weeks away. Textbook emergency. Textbook short-term loan. I did not
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: even hesitate. I sent it before he finished the sentence. $ 300.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: Flying through the air with love. He says two weeks.
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: I got you. You are a lifesaver. I owe you dinner.
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: Dinner?
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: He owes me dinner on top of the 300. I
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: have received neither the money nor the dinner. I am
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: double out. I am owed in two currencies.
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: Double thought and I'm half a dollar's.
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: And dinner.
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: Okay, but boss, cause I want to listen and the
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: crime scene carefully. He give a few terms to Wicks
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: that books him and he enlist 18% who actually discuss repayment.
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: So this standard is a marble long, clear remark, clear reason,
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: clear timeline. What happened after two week mark? Walk me
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: through well day 14. What did you do?
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: Day 14? I did nothing. Because day 14 felt too
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: soon to ask. Like, The ink is barely dry. Give
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: the man a weekend. Day 21. I thought about it.
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: I opened our chat. I stared at it. I closed it.
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: I told myself he probably gets paid on the first.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: Be cool.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: Day 30. The one month mark. I drafted the first text.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: Hey man, hope the car's running great. Just checking in
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: on that 300 when you get a chance. Exclamation points everywhere.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: I read it back and it sounded like a greeting
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: card from a bank. I deleted it. Day 45. He
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: posted about a weekend trip.
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: A trip?
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: With the hotel? And I felt the first flicker of
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: the rage. The rage that has now, eight months later,
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: become a fully furnished apartment in my chest.
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: This is the anatomy of every day alone. Notice what happened.
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: The terms expired silently. Nobody declared them expired. There was
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: no moment where anyone said the tweaks are up. New
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: plan needed. It just dissolved. And every week after that,
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: the deck got heavier and lighter at the same time.
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: Heavier for you because the silence compounds like interest. Lighter
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: for him because every leak, it goes unmentioned. His brain
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: files it deeper on the probably fine. By my theory,
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: you're living in different movies. You are in a drama.
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: He's in a comedy. And neither of you bought a
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: ticket to the other's film. Unmentioned. So you literally lift
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: the ankle like this, like this, like this. Like this.
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: Like this. Like this. Like this. Like this. Like this.
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: Like this. Like this. Like this. Like this. Like this.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: Like this. Everything is so expensive now. Totally agreeing. Zero
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: dots connected. I mentioned my electric bill. I mentioned saving
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: up for something. I basically stood in front of him
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: waving a flag that said, remember, and he complimented the flag.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: At what point do the hints become a mental illness?
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: Because I think I passed that point around month five.
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: Nick Cage, everybody knows the hint stage. dropping little breadcrumbs
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: watching them get eaten by birds okay my turn because
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: i have the opposite story i am the reformed borrower
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: five years ago i was the friend who owed money
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: college friend covered my part of a trip four hundred
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: dollars and i am going to be honest about something
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: ugly i did not forget not exactly I remembered and
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: then I avoided. Every time I thought about it, I
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: felt a wave of shame. And to make the shame stop,
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: I stuck thinking about it. That is the borrower's secret.
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: It is not always forgetting. Sometimes it is shame with
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: the snooze button. You would snooze every morning. I will
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: text him tomorrow. Tomorrow becomes next week. Next week becomes, well,
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: it has been so long now that texting would be weird.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: The dust grows. A protective shell of awkwardness. The longer
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: it goes, the harder it is to crack.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: Whoa, whoa. So you're telling me the silence is not disrespect?
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: It is shame in a trench coat? That changes the movie.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: Because in my drama, he is over there not caring.
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: But maybe he is over there caring so much that
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: caring became paralyzing. Maybe every time he sees me, his
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: brain screams the $ 300 and to survive the dinner, he
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: mutes the scream. I have been casting him as the
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: villain when he might be the guy who cannot face
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: the third fact.
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: I am not saying that is. That I met your guy.
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: Some borrowers genuinely forget. Some genuinely do not care. But
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: a huge nip earned me. Five years ago. Ashamed. I
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: avoid any snoozy. And here is the twist that broke
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: my batter. My friend is not hint. He did not
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: test me. He called me. Voice call. Like a caveman
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: and said. Edsel. I need the 400. No drama in
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: his voice. No anger. Just a flat. Friendly need. And
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: the shame evaporated instantly because the scariest part was never
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: the money. It was the conversation I was imagining. The
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: real conversation took 90 seconds. I sent the money that night,
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: past dinner. I actually delivered the dinner, unlike some people
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: in the studio's orbit.
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: Targeted? That was targeted and I felt it. Okay, but
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: that is the golden story and I need to sit
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: with it because it reframes everything. The direct ask killed
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: the shame. The hints fed it. Every breadcrawl I dropped
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: was just giving him another chance to feel bad and dodge. Meanwhile,
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: the one thing that works, the plain sentence, I need
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: the money, is the one thing nobody says because it
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: feels rude. We have built a culture where asking for
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: your own money back is somehow the aggressive move. That
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: is backwards. The borrower got the money. The lender has
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: to beg for its return like Oliver Twist. Please sir,
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: can I have my $ 300 back?
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: Well, it was short the budget, Dinab. But wait, I
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: have to challenge you on one thing. Because this is
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: a debate podcast wearing a friendship costume. You keep saying
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: you cannot ask because it feels rude. But is it
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: rudeness you fear or the answer? Because what if you ask? Well, mainly.
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: Now he says he does not have it. Or he
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: gets defensive. Or he pays you and the friendship gets
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: weird anyway. The unasked question preserves hope. The asked question
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: rescues real answers. How part of the eight months might
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: be you protecting the friendship from information? As long as
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: you never asked, you can still believe he is good
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: for it.
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. That is a truth bomb with
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: my name on it. Because you are right. There is
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: a version where I send a text and he replies instantly,
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: Oh man, so sorry. Sending now and everything is fine.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: But there is also a version where he says things
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: are tight. Can I do installments? And then I become
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: a payment plan administrator. Or the version where he leaves
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: me on read and I have to decide if we
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: are still friends. The silence is painful, but it is
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: a pain I control. The answer is a pain he controls.
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: And I would rather hope that is. That is embarrassingly honest.
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: This podcast is therapy I do not pay for.
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: I have you with an audience. And like both of
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: us are describing the same trap from opposite selves. The
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: bower avoids from shame. The lender avoids from fear of
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: the answer. And the money sits in the middle like
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: an unexploded device that both people agree to water like
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: a plant. Somebody has to pick it up. And conventional
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: wisdom says it should be the lender because the lender
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: has sending. But I actually think the braver move, the
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: rarer move, is the borrower going first. The unprofitable text. Hey,
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: I have not forgotten. Here's 50 now. More fraud.
• 26:44
  Speaker 3: That text saves more friendships than any apology ever written.
• 26:51
  Speaker 3: Because it says you were never forgettable.
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: The lone prophet. That text.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: If he sent that text tonight, $ 50 in a plan,
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: I would forgive eight months and eight seconds. I would
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: frame the text. I would read it at his wedding.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: And that tells me everything about what the money means.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: It was never about $ 300. It is about being held
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: in someone's mind. The cruelest part of being owed money
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: is the suspicion that you have been deleted from their
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: mental tabs while they are still open in all of yours.
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: You are refreshing their page daily and they closed your
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: window months ago. Okay, I need a breath. I need water.
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: I need to not text anyone for the rest of
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: this segment.
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: Bareback what pal's that sighed the turntain's fawn for his
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: own sake he the fawn was in another leet he's
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: thinking up what a did now let us foot the
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: pal we can suffer we have a troop of thirty
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: to the border shame and all but there is a
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: whole other species to disgust the cereal barrow the friend
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: who was always short a wicked dinner a rude troop
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: a rude concert wallet mysteriously absent carded mysteriously declined story
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: mysteriously complicated At some point, it stops being about luck
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: and starts being a business as well.
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: And a business is you. Oh, I know this species.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: I have studied this species in the wild. The serial
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: borrower has tells. Tell number one, the loan is always
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: urgent and always rounds numbered. Not 347 for the exact bill.
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: Always an even 300 and even 500. Because precision would
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: mean accountability, and we do not do accountability here. Tail
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: number two. The repayment date is always a vibe. Friday, payday,
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: next week. Never a calendar date with a year on it.
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: Tail number three. And this is the advanced tail? They
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: borrow from multiple friends who do not know about each other.
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: They are running a diversified portfolio of friendships. You are
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: not a friend. You are a tranche.
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: With the talk, Paul learned the finance word and immediately
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: weaponized it. But seriously, the multi-source borrower is real, and
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: it is the moment a friendship problem becomes the character
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: per question. One loan is life. Everybody hits a rough match.
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: Five assignments. Gina's loans from five friends who have never
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: compared notes is a pattern. And here's where I get strict,
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: because this is where my Stove Scholar policy was born.
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: After getting burned once, I made a rule. I lend
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: only what I can afford to gift. If I cannot
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: afford to never see it again, I do not lend
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: it now because I expect to lose it. Because the
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: friendship cannot survive me needing it back. The loan has
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: to be emotionally survivable at 0% recovery or it is
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: not a loan. It is a friendship gambling.
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: Wait, I need to fight you on this, because that
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: rule sounds wise, but it has a hole. Lend only
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: what you can gift. Okay. But that means the size
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: of your help is capped by the size of your
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: disposable feelings. What if your best friend needs $ 2, 000 for
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: an emergency, and you have it, but you cannot afford
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: to gift it? Your rule says no. And maybe that
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: no ends the friendship faster than any unpaid loan? There
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: is a version where refusing help is the betrayal, not
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: the loan. Friendship means risk. Biscuit did not run a
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: credit check before loving you. He just dragged the leash
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: and committed.
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: It's a guest, it's not a financial advisor, but okay.
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: Fair challenge. Let me shop in the role. It is
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: not never lend big. It is match the instrument to
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: the amount. Small money, gift mindset, no tracking. Big money,
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: real terms written down like adults. The disaster zone is
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: big money with small money energy. $ 2, 000 on a vague
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: and a handjig that is the houseboat. That is what sinks.
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: If it is big enough to hurt, it is big
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: enough to write down. Amount, date, plan. Three lines. Takes
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: 90 seconds. And if the friendship cannot survive three written lines,
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: it could not have survived the loan anyway. The paper
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: does not kill the trust. The paper protects the trust
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: from memory. Because memory is a thing that fast loans
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: aren't that probably fine.
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: Hmm. Hmm. I hate that I agree with most of that.
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: But let me poke the soft spot. Written terms work
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: when both people are functional. What about the friend in
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: genuine crisis? Car towed? Job lost? Eviction notice? You are
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: going to pull out a notepad? Sign here? Initial here?
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Paul's Bank and Trust? There's a coldness to
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: formalizing a rescue. Sometimes the paperwork costs more in dignity
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: than the loan costs in dollars. The friend remembers forever
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: that you made them sign. Every future hangout has a
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: contract floating over it like a little legal cloud.
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: Then do not call it paperwork. Call it clarity. Spoken
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: out loud, warmly. Hey, I want to help, and I
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: want us to never feel libid, so let us just
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: say it plainly. 2,000. Pay me back whenever you land.
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: Even if business just keep me posted. Lattice terms. Spoken
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: terms count. The 18% who discuss repayment are not all
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: signing the contracts. Most are just saying one clear sentence
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: before your money moves. The sentence is the whole difference.
• 32:32
  Speaker 2: Without it, you have two movies. With it, you have
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: one movie with subtitles. Everybody knows what film they're in.
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: One movie with subtitles. I like that. Okay, so we
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: are converging on something. The dilemma is not lend or
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: do not lend. The dilemma is Clarity now or resentment later?
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: And everyone picks resentment later because clarity now feels awkward
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: for 90 seconds. We will trade 90 seconds of awkwardness
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: for eight months of cocktail surveillance. That is the worst
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: trade in the history of trades. I surveilled a man
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: for eight months to avoid a 90 second conversation. I
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: am not a lender. I am detective with no badge
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: and no jurisdiction.
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: Detective pa the batch number three hundred but hold on
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: cause there is one more species and it is the
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: sneakiest one not the borrower the lindy the friend who
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: lends and then owns you Every favor comes with a
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: display case. Remember when I covered you? Remember the concert tickets?
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: The loans comes a loathsome program where you earn points
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: by obeying. That is not generosity. That is an installment
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: plan on your autonomy. And it is why some powers
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: go silent. Not shame. Self-defense. They stop engaging because every
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: engagement has a price tag. It's capable to it. If
• 33:43
  Speaker 2: you've ever talked, I cannot disagree with him. He paid
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: for my trip. You know the species. The friendship became...
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: Our subscription service, and you cannot find the cancel button.
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: Oof, the subscription friendship. And the terrible part is, I
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: have felt the pull of becoming that lender. In month six,
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: I caught myself thinking, he cannot disagree with me about
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: the movie. He owes me $ 300. I heard the thought,
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: and I was horrified at myself. The unpaid loan was
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: turning me into a person who keeps a moral ledger.
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: I do not want to be the guy whose generosity
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: has terms and conditions in fine print. So I had
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: to make a decision. Either ask for the money like
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: an adult or forgive it like an adult. The middle ground.
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: The simmering, the surveillance, the hint dropping. That is the
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: only option that corrupts both people. Simmering helps nobody. Simmering
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: just cooks the friendship slowly until there is nothing left
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: but a smell.
• 34:58
  Speaker 2: They give it or ask for it. No simmering. That
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: might be the only sentence of this whole episode. And notice,
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: both options are active. Both options and the surveillance. Thickness
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: is not weakness here. The gymnast is deciding the friendship
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: is worth more than $ 300 and meaning it. Deleting the
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: evidence folder and lynching. And asking is not aggression. Asking
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: is deciding the friendship is strong enough for one honest consent.
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: The only loser move is the middle. Eight months of middle.
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: No more middle. Somebody in the studio needs to send
• 35:27
  Speaker 2: a text this week. I am not saying who. The
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: phone is in the other room and it knows what
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: it did.
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: Ah, seen it, think it, think it. Think it. The
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: phone and I will have a conversation after the show,
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: a clarity conversation with subtitles. Okay, but before we get
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: to the rules, the actual playbook, I want to do
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: the thing we promised, the other side of the ask.
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: Because we have covered asking to be repaid, but what
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: about the front door? The moment somebody asks, you, how
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: do you say no to a friend who needs money
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: without ending the friendship on the spot. Because sometimes the
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: answer has to be no, and no feels like a
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: door slamming.
• 36:22
  Speaker 2: We are back. And this segment is for everyone who
• 36:25
  Speaker 2: has every type, yes, while screaming no. The friend asks,
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: you cannot afford it, or you can afford it, but
• 36:32
  Speaker 2: you know. You know from the full documentary evidence of
• 36:36
  Speaker 2: who this person is. That this money is entering a
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: black hole with good intentions. How do you say no
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: and keep the friend? I will go first with my framework.
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: Because still scholars can prepare. Step 1. Submit the person
• 36:51
  Speaker 2: from a pattern. I love you and I cannot do this.
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: Both true, both spoken. Then no, lens softer. When the
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: love is explicit. Step 2. Offer what you can do.
• 37:06
  Speaker 2: I cannot do 500. I love the hand versus wall image,
• 37:11
  Speaker 2: but I need to add the hardest part, which is
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: surviving the moment after the no, because they will go quiet,
• 37:17
  Speaker 2: there will be a silence, and every instinct in your
• 37:21
  Speaker 2: body will scream to fill it by caving.
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: Well, maybe I could do half. Maybe I could ask
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: someone else. I could put it on my card. The
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: silence is a negotiation tactic that nobody is using on purpose.
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: They are just processing. But your guilt will auction off
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: your boundaries in under 10 seconds if you let it.
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: So my rule, say the no, offer the hand, then
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: close your mouth, let the silence sit. Count to 10
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: in your head. The friendship can survive 10 seconds of quiet.
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: It cannot survive a yes you resent for 8 months.
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: 10 seconds of awkward, or 8 months of surveillance. Choose
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: the 10 seconds.
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: Here's the 10 seconds. That is going on a shirt.
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: But let me push one level deeper. Because that is
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: a note. That is not about money. I thought, sometimes
• 38:24
  Speaker 2: you have the money. Sometimes the amount is small. and
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: you still need to say no because the packer is
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: the problem the face but me this quarter the french
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: who earns more than you but budget less than a
• 38:35
  Speaker 2: raccoon saying no to the packer feels like judging their
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: life and maybe it is a little Somebody has to
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: be the friend who does not enable. Enabling is not loyalty.
• 38:46
  Speaker 2: Flirting someone's kiosk indefinitely is not friendship. It is a
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: subscription to their dysfunction. And you are the one auto-renewing.
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: The kindness, no, is sometimes. I love you. I'm worried
• 38:59
  Speaker 2: about you. And me covering this again would not actually
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: help you. That no is a mirror held gently.
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: Held gently? Because the second the mirror becomes a hammer,
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: you have lost them. There is a razor-thin line between
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: I am worried about you and you are a mess.
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: And the line is tone, timing, and whether they asked
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: for your opinion or just your wallet. Okay, can I
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: flip it one more time? Because we have done... saying no.
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: What about the borrower's ask, done right? If you are
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: listening and you need to borrow, what is the golden ask?
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: The ask that protects the friendship instead of taxing it.
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: I have opinions. I have a template. Item one. Name
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: the amount and the reason specifically, not can you help
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: me out, but I need $ 300 for the car repair.
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: Here's the invoice. Specificity is respect. It says I am
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: not treating you like an ATM with a face. Item 2.
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: Name the repayment plan before they have to ask. I
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: get paid on the 1st. I will send it that day.
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: The plan is the gift wrap. Item 3. Give them
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: an exit. If this puts you out at all, say so.
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: Zero hard feelings. The exit is what makes the yes real.
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: A yes with no exit is a hostage situation.
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: Before they wander. A payday move, Sending Tuesday, have not forgotten.
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: That text costs nothing and buys everything. It is the
• 40:42
  Speaker 2: fifty-jaw and a planet. It is a text that says,
• 40:45
  Speaker 2: You're still opening my tabs, borrowers. Hear me. The optic
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: text is the interrogate. Lenders can survive late. Lenders cannot
• 40:52
  Speaker 2: survive silence. Late with update is a delay. Late with
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: silence is a documentary about your character that the lender
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: narrates alone for eight months. Be the borrower who overcommunicates.
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: It is the cupid's friend if the insurance ever sold.
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: Overcommunicate. And lenders, hear me back. Receive the update gracefully.
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: If he texts Tuesday instead of Friday, the correct response
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: is thanks for letting me know. Not a thumbs up
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: emoji dripping with venom. I am speaking to myself. I
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: am the one who needs to hear this. Because the
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: update text only works if it is safe to send.
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: If every update gets punished with frost, the updates stop,
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: the silence returns, and we are back to two movies.
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: Somebody has to be warm first, and it might as
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: well be the person who wants their money back. Because
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: warmth is the only collection strategy that preserves the friendship.
• 41:49
  Speaker 2: Warmth is the collection strategy. Look at us, building a
• 41:53
  Speaker 2: whole financial philosophy of tacos and shame. All right, let
• 41:58
  Speaker 2: us land displaying with the actual rules, the playbook, the
• 42:02
  Speaker 2: thing people can screenshot. Because somewhere out there, folk group
• 42:06
  Speaker 2: chats are active right now, but the same vacation photos.
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: And those people need rules, not just vibes.
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: The rules. The Friendship Money Constitution. I am writing this
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: down and I am sending a copy to a certain
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: person after the show. Anonymously, through a lawyer, via carrier pigeon.
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: Rule number one. Name it before you fund it. Amount, reason, plan.
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: Out loud. Before the money moves. 90 seconds of clarity
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: beats 8 months of surveillance. Every time. No exceptions. The
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: sentence is the contract. Say the sentence.
• 42:56
  Speaker 2: The text it says I have not forgotten is worth
• 42:58
  Speaker 2: more than the money itself. Because it answers the real
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: question which was never about dollars. It was, am I forgettable?
• 43:27
  Speaker 2: The updates has no every time. Rule number four.
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: Lenders receive warmly. Updates get thanks, not frost. Questions get honesty,
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: not hints. If you need it, ask plainly. Once, like
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: an adult. I need the 400. 90 seconds. Watch the
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: shame evaporate. And rule number five. The big one. The
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: one I am still learning. Forgive it or ask for it.
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: No simmering. Simmering cooks the friendship and seasons the surveillance.
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: Pick the active option. Forgiveness with the evidence folder deleted.
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: Truly deleted. Or the honest ask with the subtitles on.
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: The middle is the only losing seat. Get out of
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: the middle.
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: Rule number six. You can say no and keep the friend.
• 44:19
  Speaker 2: Love explicit, hand attached, mouth closed for 10 seconds. No
• 44:23
  Speaker 2: to the money is not no to the person. And
• 44:25
  Speaker 2: rule number seven, the biscuit rule. Protect the dream. The
• 44:29
  Speaker 2: dream is everybody generous, everybody fed, nobody keeping score. Every
• 44:34
  Speaker 2: rule here exists to defend that dream from the realities
• 44:36
  Speaker 2: of rent, cause, and rooftop cocktails.
• 44:39
  Speaker 1: The rules are not walls.
• 44:40
  Speaker 2: They are the fence around the garden. And inside the fence,
• 44:43
  Speaker 2: be biscuit. Drag the leash. Commit. Trust with your whole chest. Just,
• 44:48
  Speaker 2: you know, maybe keep the receipts for anything over $ 250.
• 44:51
  Speaker 2: I'm a median. Loam is where functions go to be attested. Respect.
• 45:02
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: Respect the median. Words to live by. Okay, final thought
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: from the Chief Surveillance Officer retiring effective tonight. Eight months. $ 300.
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: Countless hints. Zero sentences. And here is what I know now.
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: He is probably not a villain. I am probably not
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: a victim. We are two guys in different movies who
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: never agreed on the genre. And the fix was always
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: one sentence long. So this week, the text goes out. Warm, plain,
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: with subtitles. And whatever he replies, the surveillance ends. The
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: evidence folder gets deleted. Because I would rather have an
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: answer than a case file. I would rather have a
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: friend than a tranche. End of surveillance. Badge turned in.
• 45:59
  Speaker 3: Badge turned in.
• 46:01
  Speaker 2: Everyone listening, check your own tabs. Who is open in
• 46:04
  Speaker 2: yours that you've closed months ago? Who is refreshing your
• 46:06
  Speaker 2: page while you hit snooze on the shame? Send the update.
• 46:09
  Speaker 2: Send the ass. Save the sentence.
• 46:11
  Speaker 1: 90 seconds.
• 46:11
  Speaker 2: 10 seconds. 50 is a plan. The friendship is worthwhile.
• 46:15
  Speaker 2: more than the awkwardness. It is worth more than $ 200.
• 46:18
  Speaker 2: It is worth more than a cocktail of smoke. The
• 46:20
  Speaker 2: smoke clears, the friend stays. If you let them.
• 46:24
  Speaker 1: The smoke clears, the friend stays. Somebody put that on
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: a shirt next to choose the 10 seconds. We are
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: going to take a quick breath, shout out a show
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: we love, thank our sponsors, and then we will be
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: back to close this out and tell you what is
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: coming next week. Do not go anywhere. Unless you owe
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: someone money, in which case, Go send the text, then
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: come back. We will wait. We are good like that.
• 46:53
  Speaker 2: And we are back with our network shout out where
• 46:56
  Speaker 2: every week we point you toward one show from our
• 46:59
  Speaker 2: podcast family that deserves your ears. Oh, who are we
• 47:04
  Speaker 2: shocking up tonight?
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: Tonight, we are sending love to timeless Bible stories. Cherished
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: stories from the Holy Bible brought to life for listeners
• 47:17
  Speaker 1: of all ages. And I love this pick for tonight's episode.
• 47:22
  Speaker 1: Because if any book understands debt, forgiveness, ledgers, and wiping
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: slates clean, it is that one. There is literally a
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: whole parable about forgiving debts. I have read it. It
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: convicted me. It is part of why the surveillance is
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: ending tonight.
• 47:43
  Speaker 2: Podcast shout out the devils as a spiritual intervention but
• 47:46
  Speaker 2: choice timeless bible stories takes these ancient stories and tells
• 47:49
  Speaker 2: them with real warmth and craft whether you grew up
• 47:52
  Speaker 2: on them or you're hearing them fresh there is something
• 47:54
  Speaker 2: grounding about stories that have survived thousands of years they
• 47:57
  Speaker 2: lasted because they are about us debt forgiveness brothers betrayal
• 48:02
  Speaker 2: reconciliation tonight's whole episode could have been one long bible
• 48:05
  Speaker 2: story with tacos so go follow timeless bible stories add
• 48:08
  Speaker 2: it to your rotation and tell them paul and the
• 48:10
  Speaker 2: child sent you a Preferably after you send your upbeat text. Priorities.
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: Priorities. Update text first. New podcast second. Rooftop cocktail photos?
• 48:23
  Speaker 1: Never again. Or at least, not until the tag is settled.
• 48:27
  Speaker 2: Settle tabs. New podcasts. No smoke cocktails. Before we close,
• 48:32
  Speaker 2: a quick word of thanks.
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: Click thanks before we go. This episode is brought to
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: you by Upbeat, the music library for creators.
• 48:41
  Speaker 2: And by Willow, the AI writing partner that helps you
• 48:43
  Speaker 2: get the words right. Links in the show notes.
• 48:46
  Speaker 1: And that is our show, episode 11, The Friend Who
• 48:50
  Speaker 1: Owes You Money. If tonight's episode found you, if you
• 48:54
  Speaker 1: are the lender with the evidence folder, or the borrower
• 48:57
  Speaker 1: with the snooze button, here is your homework. One sentence,
• 49:02
  Speaker 1: 90 seconds, send it this week, and then come tell
• 49:06
  Speaker 1: us what happened, because we genuinely want to know. Did
• 49:10
  Speaker 1: the shame evaporate? Did the friendship survive the subtitles? We
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: are invested now. You are all our tranches. No, wait.
• 49:20
  Speaker 1: That came out wrong. You are all our friends. Our
• 49:25
  Speaker 1: fur friends. Let me start that over. You are our friends.
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: And we do not keep ledgers here. Except the ledger
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: of love, which is infinite and needs no accountings.
• 49:40
  Speaker 2: We led your glove. He almost called the ring on
• 49:42
  Speaker 2: the financial instrument and recovered dutifully. Loved. If this episode
• 49:46
  Speaker 2: helped you, do the thing that keeps this show alive.
• 49:48
  Speaker 2: Follow all the bad friendships wherever you listen. Share it
• 49:51
  Speaker 2: with exactly one friend, and I mean one specific friend.
• 49:54
  Speaker 2: The one who owes you money, or the one you owe.
• 49:57
  Speaker 2: Send it with no context, just a link. Let the
• 49:59
  Speaker 2: episode say what you cannot say yet. It is the
• 50:02
  Speaker 2: polite person's update text. And if you have your own
• 50:04
  Speaker 2: part of its story, the loan, the silence, the resolution,
• 50:07
  Speaker 2: we want to hear it. Your story might be the
• 50:12
  Speaker 2: 90 seconds someone else needs.
• 50:14
  Speaker 1: Next week, episode 12. And oh, this one is going
• 50:18
  Speaker 1: to hurt in a completely different place. When your best
• 50:23
  Speaker 1: friend gets married. The wedding invitation that feels like a
• 50:27
  Speaker 1: farewell letter. The plus one politics. The best man's speech
• 50:32
  Speaker 1: you have to write while grieving the friendship as you
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: knew it. The slow, beautiful, painful realization that you are
• 50:39
  Speaker 1: not losing a friend, you are gaining a seating chart.
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: I have feelings about this. Edzil has predictions about my feelings.
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: It is going to be a whole thing.
• 50:50
  Speaker 2: It is going to be a whole thing. And a
• 50:52
  Speaker 2: quick note for our supporters. Our unfiltered premium edition of
• 50:55
  Speaker 2: tonight's episode is out now. Supporters only. uncut conversation the
• 51:00
  Speaker 2: stories we could not tell in the public feed including
• 51:02
  Speaker 2: the exact data amounts the real timelines and Paul reading
• 51:05
  Speaker 2: three of his deleted graft texts out loud full dramatic
• 51:08
  Speaker 2: reenactment he did not want to miss the dramatic reenactment
• 51:10
  Speaker 2: try and support the cloudbook patreon and hear everything first
• 51:14
  Speaker 2: hear all of.
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: It the deleted drafts with voices I do the voices
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: okay friends forgive it or ask for it no simmering
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: warmth is the collection strategy Respect the median. And remember
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: what Biscuit taught us. Drag the leash.
• 51:35
  Speaker 2: Commit.
• 51:36
  Speaker 1: Trust with your whole chest.
• 51:40
  Speaker 2: I am Paul. And after that tale, this has been
• 51:43
  Speaker 2: all about friendships. The smoke clears. The friend stays. ah
• 51:57
  Speaker 2: ah ah ah.
• 52:01
  Speaker 1: Ah Good night, everybody. And to a certain listener who
• 54:46
  Speaker 1: knows exactly who he is, check your phone this week.
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: Something warm is coming with subtitles.