Latest / Intentional Guy / Boundaries, Betrayal & Redemption | Ebon Sharp's Powerful Testimony

Transcript

Boundaries, Betrayal & Redemption | Ebon Sharp's Powerful Testimony · Intentional Guy

• Michael Chestnut: Hey everyone, thank you for tuning in to another episode of Intentional Guy. Every year I take about four weeks and I take four different guys from my church who I have come on here and share with us what God's doing in their life, share their story, because it's through stories and through relationships that Christ really sharpens us. Well, our verse on here is ⁓ You know, iron sharpens iron. And that's what we're doing today. I want to introduce you to my friend Yvonne Sharp. And ⁓ Yvonne, thank you for being on here. You can't get two different fellows than me and Yvonne, okay? Because I I grew up in Chicago, you grew up in California, just totally different cultures. Because I lived in the suburbs of Chicago, right? So I had nothing but cornfields around me. And ⁓ my dad was a pastor. So I I'm a preacher's kid, right? So we've we've been raised and our lives are so different, but it's so funny how ⁓ I've known you for about a year now and him and his wife Beth has they started coming to our small group just not too long after you had moved here really. And It was the second night I think that we got together. We I had this bright idea, let's let's get to know each other. We're gonna share our story. Everyone each week is gonna share their story. And if Bon shared a story, and I call it an anointing time because I saw where God showed up. You know, because you opened up to I don't know that you even planned to do that. But you did. And it's amazing how our stories can connect with one another. And I know that your story today is going to help someone that's listening. Because in the church that we go to, the slogan is no perfect people allow, right? And me and a bon, we definitely qualify for that, right? Absolutely. but what I like about it is there's no judgment. ⁓ And you never know what the person sitting next to you in church is going on. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors. We don't know the hurt, the pain, the hidden secrets that they're afraid anybody knows because if they knew them, ⁓ they wouldn't like me. You know, and I spent fifteen years ⁓ battling shame and guilt, you know, it was a tough time for me. And ⁓ But, you know, Bon, I want you to go ahead and I want you to share what you feel comfortable sharing with us today about your story because I really feel like your story is going to resonate with someone listening to this. Ebon Sharp: Yeah, no, definitely. ⁓ so you know, like you said, I for me, like knowing where our friendship is now, starting from the small groups. ⁓ if you would have told me before small groups that you and I would have been friends, I'd be like, You're you're out your mind. Like, yeah, I'll I'll conversate with them or something, but yeah. ⁓ and here we are, you know, we we meet on a weekly basis and now, you know, and it's Michael Chestnut: We have nothing in common. Ebon Sharp: It's been a such a great ⁓ relationship between you and I, between our wives, ⁓ the rest of the small group, you know. So it's been amazing. So thank you for having the small group because that's something the wife and I were searching for ⁓ when we moved here. I'm I'm amazed that more churches don't have the small groups like what we have. Right. ⁓ so ⁓ Michael Chestnut: That's where real relationships are built. Correct. Ebon Sharp: Correct. ⁓ yeah, so I guess to get into who I am, who my wife is, ⁓ we we're high school sweethearts, you know. I started dating my wife my sophomore the very first day of my sophomore year in high school. ⁓ yeah. ⁓ I I asked her out and ⁓ we've been dating. We hung out for the whole year before that. ⁓ her best friend and my point guard were kind of dating. ⁓ and so we were around each other. ⁓ I didn't let anybody know that I liked her. ⁓ and then finally my sophomore year the first day, I asked her out, we started dating, we've been together ever since. ⁓ you know, so ⁓ our story is, you know, we went through high school. ⁓ we ended up ⁓ my wife ended up getting pregnant her senior year, my junior year. ⁓ and so my whole senior year I was dad we had my daughter. and you know, just that transition was difficult in itself, you know, the So there's been a lot of trials and tribulations that we've gone through, but a lot of good times too. You know, I don't wanna ⁓ exclude those. ⁓ but there were you know, we were kids raising kids. Yeah. and you know, why you know, especially like during basketball season, I was I was a star athlete in high school. ⁓ Beth was an athlete until she got pregnant and you know. ⁓ but when we would go to tournaments, you know, and we'd go to the mall and go to footlock or something, you know, all my buddies on my on my teammates. They're going in and they're buying tennis shoes for themselves and I'm going in and I'm buying baby clothes and baby shoes, you know. ⁓ so it was a different world that I was in compared to them. Right. You know, so ⁓ I had to make that transition into into fatherhood. ⁓ you know, but then again, you know, I'm I'm a kid, still trying to be a kid, a high schooler. ⁓ and then, you know, ⁓ getting with Beth, you know, I I I I like to run the streets ⁓ when I was young. And you know, I had older brother, ⁓ hung out with him ⁓ and his friends. So, you know, I was in the sixth grade going to high school parties. I was around all the gangbangers, all the dope dealers, ⁓ and that was the crowd that I enjoyed as a kid. ⁓ so growing growing up in that, you know, I was I was guilty by affiliation. ⁓ never got jumped into any gang or anything like that, ⁓ other than this little small one that we kinda started me and a a few of our friend ⁓ a few of my friends but ⁓ it was nothing major. But ⁓ it was running the streets, going to parties, drinking at an early age, sex at an early age. ⁓ that was my upbringing. ⁓ you know, 'cause I was hanging around with my brother, you know, at a young age. And so by the time I got to high school I had already been hanging out at the high school and had the high school reputation and everything like that. You know, I got with Beth and she was like, Look, it's either gonna be the streets or it's gonna be me. ⁓ so I was like, you know what? And and early on I saw that Beth was gonna be a great mother, a great wife, ⁓ green ⁓ a great provider in the house. So I was like, you know what, let me go ahead and go this way. ⁓ so I kinda steered away from the streets, you know, playing sports, doing my schooling, working, you know, 'cause now having to provide for a kid. Right. I was a dad. ⁓ you know, and then we got we she graduates and her graduation picture, she's full belong, six months, nine months pregnant. ⁓ you know, and then so excuse me. ⁓ we go out on our own, you know. ⁓ I I end up going to college. I played a little bit of ⁓ JUCO ⁓ basketball. ⁓ you know, I I knew I I didn't want to go off to college 'cause I knew know that would put a hindrance on Beth and Ice relationship. we transitioned into, you know, living on our own. ⁓ you know, we started out in the town that we grew up in and then we ended up moving to Sacramento. ⁓ and then, you know, from there, you know, I I ended up getting my electrical degree and working for the railroad and kind of ⁓ progressing my career from there. ⁓ so every time we moved it was for a promotion. So ⁓ our story kind of takes us from Sacramento to North Platte, Nebraska, North Platte to Colorado, Denver, Colorado, Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, ⁓ Kansas City, Kansas to Virginia. ⁓ and I worked in DC. And then you know we finally transitioned here from there more on a personal ⁓ note. you know, kind of one, the the story that I'll be getting into. Two, we wanted to be close to the beach again. And then three, our gr at the time our grandkids and our our daughter was living in Nashville. ⁓ so kind of put us close to the beach. Right. And close to the grandkids. Yeah. ⁓ and got me out of D C. ⁓ so with that, you know, everybody always sees like, ⁓ your high school sweetheart, ⁓ that's amazing and right, you know, which it's In itself it is a success, you know. Right. You know, 'cause, you know, there there's other people out there that have made it from being high school sweethearts, but then there's a lot that ⁓ you know, but then, you know, I always tell people like when they're, you know, in awe, I'm like, by the way, you know, there's there's a road that was taken to get to where we're at. And it's not all been gravy. Right. ⁓ so ⁓ getting into the story, you know, I Michael Chestnut: Have not. Ebon Sharp: Again, I s I said I I grew up being ⁓ you know, with an older brother, you know, sex drugs early on and ⁓ that my upbringing was that men were to be womanizers pretty much. ⁓ and so that's kinda how I was, e even though I had my wife, ⁓ you know, if a if a pretty girl walked by, I you know, glance and look and you know, not realizing that I was disrespecting my wife by doing that. ⁓ so it it it's taken a lot of learning for me. I finally kinda understand it now. Yeah. You know, forty something years old, you know, it took me that long to learn it, you know. No, definitely. And ⁓ so ⁓ you know, I I've always seen my brother and my dad do it. So I you know, that's what we're supposed to do as men. You know, I d I didn't realize it, you know. ⁓ Michael Chestnut: At least you learned, right? Ebon Sharp: pastor in in in Birginia ⁓ that at the church we were going to had a s a slogan of bounce your eyes. ⁓ and then ⁓ he kind of taught me that and it's like okay if you see something that's gonna hit you bounce them look away. Right. You know, you know what's gonna you know what's right, what's not right, you know. ⁓ so the to lead into the story, ⁓ ended up getting in the situation in Virginia ⁓ where I I put myself in in a predicament because I didn't set boundaries. Right ⁓ you know, there there's there's many different types of boundaries and I I wasn't setting them. You know, Beth had always told me, you know, you gotta make sure you gotta be careful that, you know, don't don't put yourself in a room with a female, you know, right, you know, emails, text, yeah. You know, you might think you're just being friendly, but you know, it could be construed in the wrong way. ⁓ you know, and At the time, you know, me and Beth, we had a great marriage. Right. ⁓ so we, you know, obviously th there was underlying issues, but I didn't realize them. ⁓ on the outside it looked like a great marriage, you know. And and it was a great marriage. I don't want to diminish that it wasn't. ⁓ you know, we we we conversated, we talked, ⁓ you know, we we went through, you know, she worked, I worked, you know, we we came home and, you know, we had our time together. ⁓ you know, sex was good, you know, I wasn't lacking anything or anything like that. ⁓ but you know, in your mind you start playing like, ⁓ you know, the whole eighty twenty will, you know, I have this eighty and I'm looking at this twenty and hey, what about that twenty over there? You know, and you're not realizing it's only twenty percent, you know. Right. And ⁓ so I was confiding in in in a opposite sex, ⁓ and you know, befriending a couple females and not realizing I I didn't set the boundaries so I opened these doors. ⁓ and what started out as friendships right ended up turning into full blown affairs. and not knowing that that's where it was heading because nobody intends that yeah I'm gonna go out and do this. Right. You know, it just it ended up happening. ⁓ and it happened because I didn't set the boundaries. And you know, we're we're conversating, we're talking, I'm letting them in on, you know, the things that are upsetting me and right, you know, I'm giving them the ammo to be able to say, Okay, I have feelings for you, let me show you, you know, how it would be right, you know, the things that you're complaining about, you don't have to worry about over here. And so it kind of led me down this path ⁓ that I didn't realize where it was going. I should have. ⁓ You know, Beth always she's always had that like conscious voice and and and what female intuition. Right. And I if I had it, I didn't realize I had it, I didn't hear it. ⁓ and so I I would just go with the ⁓ the motion. ⁓ I ended up going down the path of a ⁓ two affairs. and ⁓ it led me into a dark place and then I got so deep that you know I didn't even realize how deep I had gotten. Right. ⁓ you know, and it all again, it all started just because I was sharing and and didn't set boundaries. ⁓ so you know, that's one thing I want people to understand is you have to have boundaries. Cause I always had the notion that, nah, you don't have to boundaries, you know, you don't have to Michael Chestnut: think boundaries is is really important because the problem is a lot of people a lot of guys we don't set the boundaries right and I think this is a really critical part of your story that you're sharing right now too that I'm hoping that guys are are here. We want to live off the cuff sometimes and we don't we don't see the harm. Right. W me and her are just friends, right? And ⁓ Ebon Sharp: Hearing Michael Chestnut: we set ourselves up for failure sometimes. You know, so I I really wanted to reiterate that point what you're bringing out because I think that's really crucial ⁓ to your story because had you had those boundaries set up, had you listened to Beth, yeah, we may not be having this conversation. Ebon Sharp: Correct. No, and we wouldn't. And the and the crazy part is she was, you know, I talked about that female intuition and and she was getting a word, you know, I I'd I'd say it was God was talking to her and preparing her. And she was sitting here trying to prevent this from happening, not realizing it was going on. Right. ⁓ she was sending me little memes and TikToks and stuff, always talking about boundaries and you know, marriage thing, just things to to benefit us. And it got to the point where I was just ⁓ kind of just not even reading them and just, you know, swiping ⁓ and right. ⁓ because one I didn't understand why she was doing it. And then it started to sting because I knew the sin that I was doing. ⁓ and so ⁓ it was like, all right, does she know? You know, and then ⁓ guilt, huh? It it was, it was guilt. ⁓ and that's one of the things I'll come to later, but you know, I wish I would have confessed, ⁓ rather than her finding out. ⁓ so to to continue on with the story, you know, it it went on for a good year or or or more. ⁓ and then finally one day, ⁓ you know, because I was getting texts texts and things like that, and I would delete them and everything like that, ⁓ back to that boundaries. ⁓ if you're getting texts and you're having to delete ⁓ or if you're having a conversation with somebody and you you wouldn't want your spouse to know, ⁓ I would say that is clue one that you shouldn't be doing what you're doing. Yeah. Michael Chestnut: I like the fact that in my relationship with Amber we I I hide nothing. If I have to hide something from her that that's there's a problem. Ebon Sharp: Exactly. ⁓ and that's and that's what I was doing. You know, Beth had always had my my code to get into my phone. ⁓ she's always had access to my phone. ⁓ but I was deleting the text. ⁓ you know, I'd leave the ones that were okay and the ones that were incorrect and and and I knew I was doing bad, I'd delete them. ⁓ so one day, you know, it was evening time, I'd come home from work, ⁓ we're watching TV, I fell asleep on the floor while she was in the I mean sitting in the couch. ⁓ and something prompted her to look at my phone. And ⁓ when she went to look at my phone, you know, she got this voice that said, All right, I want you to look, but be be prepared for what you're about to see. And she started scrolling through it and come across and you know, this particular female, she would have never, you know, she had a hundred percent trust that you know this this girl wasn't my type. It was the furthest thing from what I would find attractive or anything like that. ⁓ she she had a hundred percent trust that there was not but something told her, Look exactly. And she clicks on it and all of a sudden she starts reading through while I had forgot to delete some of the text. ⁓ and she just starts freaking out and I'm I'm waking up to her freaking out and ⁓ she she just started going off. Michael Chestnut: Holy Spirit. Ebon Sharp: And ⁓ it was weird because she was going off, but she was yet calm. Right. You know, like I said, I ran the streets, I've been around the hood, you know, I've been in street fights, all that kind of stuff. I've never been so scared in my life to see my wife knowing what she found and how calm she was, but yet so pissed off. Right. ⁓ it was the scariest thing I ever dealt with. And you know, like I was freaked out. ⁓ so Michael Chestnut: Which Ebon Sharp: ⁓ you know, we we dealt with that situation. ⁓ you know, it was all right, get out, go to a hotel. ⁓ and as I was driving to the hotel, you know, I had to have a humbling conversation ⁓ with myself. ⁓ usually when I'm driving, I have music blaring and everything like that. it was now turn the music off, have a conversation with myself, and then you know, kind of Talk to the Lord. and you know, it was one ask for forgiveness from him, forgive myself, you know, I messed up, I knew I messed up. and you know, it it was a very humbling conversation I had to have. ⁓ one that was you know, there was no hiding. You know, I knew all the sin that I have done. You know, I knew all the hurt that, you know, I've I've just hurt the person that meant the most. ⁓ you know, the betrayal there. ⁓ Michael Chestnut: So God really kinda hit smacked you across the face and gave you Ebon Sharp: Closed fist that he hit me with. You know. Michael Chestnut: you came up with the reality of in that moment I mean you've known up to this point it was wrong. Let's just be honest. You knew that it was wrong. But in that moment that's when Ebon Sharp: It it it it it it sat and it you know, 'cause in the midst of the sin, I wasn't thinking about it. Right. You know, I put I pushed that to the back burner and you know, kept my mind moving on other stuff. And so I didn't dwell on the fact that I was sinning. You know, I didn't want to think about that. Right. in this moment it's like nah about all of it, you know. ⁓ Michael Chestnut: Now God says you're gonna deal with Ebon Sharp: And you know, I I go heading to the hotel to stay the night in the hotel and I knew if I spend the night in the hotel and not at home, her and I aren't gonna make it through. And as soon as I hit the parking lot of the hotel, I I turned around and headed back home. You know, went home, ⁓ talked, we talked about it. ⁓ you know, it was definitely I sleep on the couch, she slept in the room and you know. And then we we conversated and talked and you know we we we talked through it. ⁓ not that it was all gravy or anything like that. You know, we we had a lot to deal with, you know, yeah and to unpack and ⁓ so it was it was just something that we weren't expecting to happen in our journey. ⁓ even though I knew I was doing wrong, I wish I would have came out and told her and and confess to the sin before she found it on her own. ⁓ because of the distrust, the the brokenheartedness ⁓ to see my wife with the with the look of disappointment because of something I did. Michael Chestnut: gonna ask you that because I think a lot of times and and some of the men that are listening right now they you know sometimes we get caught up and and we easily can like you said push it aside I'm not gonna think about it go on I'm getting away with this but then when the reality comes and because I know how much you love your wife I I know you well enough now that I I know how much you love your wife and to see her hurt and know that you caused that had to be devastating. Ebon Sharp: Yeah. The worst feeling I've ever had in my life. ⁓ and to see it on her face and the disgust in her face towards me when you know I I think she she held me to a standard, you know, of this is my high school sweetheart, you know, the love of my life, you know, and to to be the one to have hurt her in this way and to break that trust that. Michael Chestnut: And that's probably been one of the biggest hurts she's ever experienced. and though you cause that, it's just it is devastating. Especially when you're conscious of it. You know, some guys don't care, but you love your wife. Ebon Sharp: Yeah, for sure. For sure. It is, it is. ⁓ Yes. I do and and that's the crazy part 'cause this would this stemmed from something that was just a friendship and it it morphed into two two full blown affairs. Michael Chestnut: That's the thing, the enemy wants to destroy you. Yeah. And that's what the enemy did. The enemy was out to destroy you you and Beth, you know. Ebon Sharp: Yeah, no, he he definitely was, you know, and but that's the grace of God and and the mercy that he shows us is ⁓ something that was meant to destroy this marriage and this family. And he turned it around and he's using it, you know. I I I would have never thought I would be sitting here doing this podcast and telling our story. ⁓ Beth was very nervous about it. You know she's always wanted to protect Michael Chestnut: She was. Ebon Sharp: my reputation and how people perceive me and you know Michael Chestnut: That's the cool thing about Beth. I mean, let's talk about Beth for a minute, you know? 'Cause you get you're you're a blessed man. You really are a blessed man. And I remember when we were in small group and that night that you shared your story, ⁓ she was very gracious. with it and the amazing thing was what I was watching with with Beth was she was worried about how we were going to perceive you. She had it she here she's been betrayed. She's been hurt like she's never been hurt before but her main reaction and even to this day coming to this podcast because we went out to eat Ebon Sharp: Yeah. Michael Chestnut: And I asked him, hey, listen, I was scared because I was like, How's Ivan going to take that? I really want Ibon to share his story on my podcast. But I'm like, you know, I know this is this is not something everybody would want to to come on a podcast and say, right? And I was like, ⁓ how's he gonna do it? So I'm like, Hey Ibon, I I got a question. He goes, I think I know where this is going. And I'm like, I don't think he knows. And I'm like, Hey You know, I'll would you I want you to be on my podcast. You're like, ⁓ yes you're like I am I am I am in this and I think God was already preparing your heart. He was. He must have already 'cause I know he prepared it in me, so he must have been preparing it with you. Ebon Sharp: Absolutely. And you know, the not to cut you off, but ⁓ you know, that's the that that where God took something that was meant to destroy us and and break us and and I think he's taken that and he couldn't you know he was putting it on my heart, you know, like you have a testimony, you know, yeah you and your wife have made it through one of the the hardest things that have Michael Chestnut: Most marriages would not survive what you guys went through. Ebon Sharp: You know what, I'm out of here. You betrayed me. And Beth had every right to leave. And and you know, I we had that conversation. Look, Beth, I I understand that you want to leave. You have that right. but you know, she was, you know, we took vows, you know, till death do us part and you know, through through sickness and hell, you know. ⁓ Yeah, you know, and and and Michael Chestnut: So to the good times to the bad times. Ebon Sharp: She's been that ride or die for me, you know, that that queen. ⁓ you know, and it was she's just been absolutely amazing through it. You know, is it's definitely difficult for her. ⁓ you know, I don't want anybody to think that it's been easy ⁓ for her or myself, you know. Just no. Michael Chestnut: I think you said she there's trigger words and stuff like Ebon Sharp: So ⁓ one of the things with the betrayal ⁓ that you end up having to to learn ⁓ is there's things, you know, I I betrayed her. ⁓ there's things that she found out through the text or or you know asking questions because when when I got caught, I was you know I was a hundred percent ⁓ transparent with her when she asked the question, look, you're asking the question, there's information there. So I'm gonna be honest. You gotta be able to To handle the information I'm about to give you because you're asking. I don't want to hold anything from you. ⁓ so she got she learned a lot of information. and it it it is Michael Chestnut: Then I had to be hard on both ends too. Even because we would tend to want to shy and I I think that Ebon Sharp: Sugarcoated. Yes. And and this was one of them situations where it was not to be sugar coated. Yeah. I'm gonna give you the raw and uncut information that you're asking for. Right. ⁓ so it was hard for me to give it to her because I I in that instance I'm still trying to protect her feelings and her emotions still. ⁓ but at the same time I knew I I I can't I need to give her a hundred percent transparency. ⁓ and then for her side, you know, to to have to hear. the things that she's hearing. she's already betrayed and then now she's hearing this stuff. So now she's questioned, Well what why wasn't I good enough and and things of that sort. Michael Chestnut: on her heart had to just be broken. You know, just heavy, heavy I I I can't even imagine. Ebon Sharp: No, I I I know how broken mine was and I was the betrayer. ⁓ so I can only imagine how how broken she felt. ⁓ but you know, it was ⁓ a hundred percent the right thing to do to be transparent. Right. ⁓ and that's what so you know there's trigger things, you know. I I know that there's I can I had to learn, okay, she's getting triggered by this. And it was like, okay, stay away from that. Or like ⁓ having that conscious because now after this I learn, you know, I hear that voice in my head, hey, Beth probably not gonna like you to to to say that or do this, you know, and it's okay, steer away from that. Anything that can possibly trigger her, I try to stay clear of ⁓ because it's not fair to her. Right. And you know, obviously if it's gonna be a trigger, then it there's some connection for her. Right. ⁓ you know, there's certain songs that you know, will trigger her. So I I hear that that kind of music come on, I'll skip the song. Right. ⁓ just 'cause, you know, it's a respect for her. Right. You know? ⁓ yeah, so it it was it's been it's a challenge to navigate through that. ⁓ Michael Chestnut: So where did God end up in this in healing and and all that? How tell us about that. I mean, how did you so you this happens? How does God move you forward to where you guys are today? 'Cause you guys I call you a power couple. I r I mean, I just love how she looks at you. You know, and it's amazing. That that you guys are where you are. Ebon Sharp: It's funny you use that word because, you know, people have told us that in the past. ⁓ you guys are a power couple and and you know, and that's how we've always felt, you know, ⁓ when we go out or whatever, like, you know, w we we like the fact that people are drawn to us 'cause we like to to interact with people. And ⁓ but I look back at how we were and where we're at now and we're better today than we were then. and you know, it it it was a process. ⁓ and it's not easy. ⁓ there's a lot of work that has to go into it. ⁓ but again, you have to want it. And if you want it, you're gonna put in the work. Michael Chestnut: ⁓ that's one thing I like about your story because I'm a big believer of what we pour in is what flows out, right? And so now this happens to you, you're really conscious of it. And you know, one of the the joys that I have had with you and that and that night going out when we talked about the podcast, we also talked about our small group asking you to I wanted you to help co-host this this next season that we're about to do because One thing that I like about you and Beth is that I I see you guys intentionally pouring in to your marriage, such as reading books together, ⁓ going to marriage counseling. I mean counseling, but going to marriage ⁓ retreats. And me and Amber were like, Man, we we were like when you guys came back from the one that you went on to, we were like, Man, we wanna do that. And that's where I talked to you. Hey, why can't our group do this? And you know, as a group, we wanna go. We're we're trying to look up where can we go for for a couple's retreat and take go as a group to that because ⁓ just hearing the benefits from that. Ebon Sharp: No, it's you know, w I grew up playing sports and one of the things, you know, playing sports, you have practice. Right. And the practice is to get you ready for the game. and this is no different, you know, in the marriage. You gotta you gotta put in the work to get ready for the the game. And the game is living living that marriage day to day. ⁓ so you know, what we I don't want to make it seem like I was like, okay, we're well, I'm all on board and we'll we're gonna make this work, you know. ⁓ it was, you know, a lot of times you know, the men were were very nonchalant and just ⁓ dismissive and well yeah, Beth was the one prodding at the beginning. ⁓ but it was you know w first, you know, when when it happened, we you know, ⁓ we were trying to find something, you know. So I went to the pastor at the church that I went to. ⁓ and Michael Chestnut: This is a manly Ebon Sharp: you know, started, you know, trying to get, you know, some Christian counsel ⁓ from him. ⁓ you know, 'cause you want to stay away from going to Joe Blow, your buddy over here that's not a believer or anything like that. Yeah. ⁓ so I wanted to make sure ⁓ I was intentional on who was going to be giving me advice right on it. ⁓ so I went to my pastor, ⁓ he and I cre ended up creating a a friendship. And ⁓ he gave great sound advice. ⁓ you know, so he was pouring into. and you know, Beth was reaching out searching for like a small group, but ⁓ you know, over there there wasn't anything for you know, our situation. Right. and which was astonishing to us, like th we're not the only ones that have gone through this. Right. There's so many people that are going through this that ⁓ how why is it not more readily available at the churches. Right. ⁓ so then we went, we tried ⁓ a Christian based ⁓ marriage counseling. ⁓ then we you know we started reading books. ⁓ she started finding podcasts. That was a really big one. ⁓ she she found a podcast that the guy ⁓ had done the same thing. He was in an affair and and they worked. Right. And so I was able to get great counsel from from watching these podcasts. Right. And at the same time, Beth was able to get great counsel. You know, even she even though we were watching the same, and he was you know more helping me, and you know, he's speaking to to the terms of being the offender, right? ⁓ she was able to kind of understand some of the stuff. ⁓ so th those were great. ⁓ then she found ⁓ David Ashley ⁓ from XL, ⁓ the naked, the naked marriage, ⁓ which that really helped her. ⁓ and then, you know, she would forward me these, you know, and I'd watch those so podcast books. ⁓ we started doing a lot more reading. ⁓ and that, you know, one, I already wanted to start reading more, just to sharpen my mind more. You know, I I I find that my vocabulary hinders when I don't read. ⁓ and so I wanted to to read to, you know, I'm moving up this corporate ladder and I want to be know, well spoken when I'm in in the room with these executives and ⁓ so but then it was okay you got this situation you're gonna read these books so which kill two birds one stone you know I'm reading plus I'm learning about okay what do I need to do to better my marriage ⁓ the first book that we read was the ⁓ five letter languages which I for me every every marriage should read that book Michael Chestnut: I love that book. Ebon Sharp: on a rotation. Michael Chestnut: That changed everything for me. Understanding, you know, Amber's ⁓ is her love language is words of affirmation and and me it's not enough to know it. You you have to apply it to you know and I have so I'm intentional. I every day I'm like, how and ⁓ I wanna say every day, I I try every day to say how can I intentionally ⁓ speak to her. Words of affirmation will help her. You know, and she's also acts of service, you know, so something as simple as cleaning up the counter. The other day I you know, I I knew she was gonna get up or I get up before her and she was like, I gotta get up early and make me a sandwich. I made her a sandwich, had it ready for her for for work. You know, just those little things that fills her cup. And and what that took me three minutes to do, you know. Ebon Sharp: that will It is such a minute thing, but yet those big dividends. ⁓ you know, like Beth, you know, just having a conversation with her. Hey, how how was this? How how'd how'd your workout go? Yeah. You know, being intentional on asking about them. ⁓ you know, getting up something as little as getting up and making her a cup of coffee. Yeah. ⁓ and just the dividends it's it pays out. It's just amazing. Michael Chestnut: Small thing. really does. You know, so let me ask you a question too. Where when where was the turning point for you guys where you saw that God had finally you kind of you've I know you guys still you're that you still deal with some of this because I know that like coming to this podcast, Beth, she's she's worried, you know, a little bit because she wants She she's worried how people are going to perceive you. I I'm gonna tell you right now, I perceive you as very brave and courageous in sharing your story with us because I know how that's gonna help someone. Okay, but where was the turning point when you realize God's really got us that that we're gonna be okay? Ebon Sharp: ⁓ you know, for I think for Beth and I it would at different times. ⁓ you know, we were in the transition of moving here. ⁓ you know, I I kinda alluded to that earlier, you know, we wanted to be close to be close to the grandkids and wanted to get out of D C where where this had occurred. ⁓ and so, you know, we were in the transition of buying a house here and f you know, in a month time we kinda stayed with ⁓ our daughter in Nashville until the house got built here. ⁓ and just seeing how it it was we were working through it there was for me kind of the the start of okay, this is starting to turn, you know, it's still difficult and then still fresh. ⁓ because you know we dealt with it for a while while we were in DC. Michael Chestnut: 'Cause this doesn't just fix overnight. It's not a it's not a quick fit. Ebon Sharp: We're we're three years from it now and I mean we're we're still working on it. ⁓ now well I mean we're definitely way better off than we were, ⁓ one in our marriage and two in dealing with this situation. ⁓ definitely and you know, and I again I I have a a wonderful wife that has truly wanted to make it work and she was the catalyst to Michael Chestnut: You guys have been very proactive. Ebon Sharp: pushing this forward. ⁓ so ⁓ she was that that go getter of okay, we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this. And me as the male was very ⁓ all right, I'm gonna do it to appease her, you know. Yeah. And then but you know, I would pick up these little nuggets and you know this podcast that she sent and you know wants to talk about after we watch it. And I'm like, okay, there's something to this. ⁓ so I would start, you know, listening to the ones that she was sending me. ⁓ I I could still get better at being the one to go out and pursue and find a podcast for us to listen to. ⁓ and I know that's something that Beth would really like to for me to show that I am pursuing it. ⁓ so I I've been working on that, trying to do that, but you I'm I'm still not great at it. Michael Chestnut: Right. Well, I noticed counseling with men and stuff. One of the hardest thing I have with guys is ⁓ making one, making them understand that okay, so what you're doing right now is not working, right? So you gotta try new things. And what I find a lot of guys a lot of men don't read. And I'm like, you need to start reading well, I don't like to read. Well, there's a lot of things we don't you don't like to do at your job, but you do it because it's required. Well, if you want to be this man of this character, then this is required. Reading you what you pour in is important to you. Fine. But I like what you said. I mean, I started off with audible books. I had to retrain myself to read because I felt like I was stupid and I had to get rid of that lie, right? But then listening to podcasts and just all the things that you said. It enriched me and you know helped me, I mean, really helped me. To f to walk in freedom again. You know, and especially the enemy wants to keep us in shame and guilt, right? Ebon Sharp: No, definitely. And he doesn't want you to learn about the the the situation or how to how to better the situation. ⁓ and you know, by reading, like you're you're able to take somebody who A has an in-depth knowledge of a a particular ⁓ subject, or you know, you're able to hear other people's testimonies that have gone through it. ⁓ you know, what we we ended up getting a book. It was ⁓ the love she deserved in the in the respect you need. And that book is was amazing because it was the first time that you know we we were reading all these books and most of them are from the female's perspective. Right. This was the first time I'm reading on on on the subject of relationship from a male's perspective. But yet he still ties it back to she's the queen. Right. She's the important one. and it just it opened my eyes, just some of the nuggets that were in there. ⁓ and that's the thing. ⁓ this You never know when that that little bit of nugget truth is gonna be dropped. ⁓ when you when it hits you, you're like, ⁓ man. Michael Chestnut: It's amazing. I've had podcasts where I I've been listening to a podcast drive and I'm like, I have to rewind it again and then I mean, there was moments where I just felt the Holy Spirit just come over me. Ebon Sharp: I've had that situation happen where the Holy Spirit ended up coming over me and I'm in the car by myself and I'm bawling. Yep. Because I can just feel them, you know. I'm getting gas bumps. ⁓ yeah. and you just you never know when it's Michael Chestnut: No, you really don't. But you've got to put yourself in the position you've got to make you gotta present those opportunities for those God moments. Because here's the thing, a lot of guys they don't want to read or they don't want to turn on a good podcast. So they're ⁓ what they're doing is they're missing out on a blessing on some things that can help kill what's hidden in the sea. Silence. Ebon Sharp: It's so easy to go back to what we're comfortable with. Yep. And you know, that that uncomfortableness is us stretching. Michael Chestnut: Well that shame and guilt wants us to isolate. Ebon Sharp: No, definitely. ⁓ and then you know, I've heard Beth say it multiple times and it didn't it didn't hit me till I actually noticed it. ⁓ she could tell me something and then I hear the same thing on one of the podcasts and then the light bulb goes off. Yeah. And I think about my kids, you know, I tell them over and over, and then somebody else tells them the same thing, and then they get it, and it's like Michael Chestnut: So many times. Ebon Sharp: And that's what it was for me, like ⁓ a lot. The the podcast would say something that she bent on you know. Michael Chestnut: And I have friendships that are that way, you know. ⁓ I think I told you about Blaine. Blaine approached me about something and I was like, I was mad at him at first, but then I'm like, man, my wife's been saying the same thing. You know? And and so when I listened to him and said, you know what, I'm I'm gonna change this about me. I got addicted to how my wife was looking at me, you know? And it it's just real those things are You gotta put yourself in those moments. And and you said it earlier. It it the boundaries are very important. Absolutely. Boundaries are important. Friendships and relationships are very important. It's like you guys come into group. ⁓ do you feel like group has kind of helped you guys heal? Ebon Sharp: It it's it's I I I can't speak for Beth. ⁓ I know for me it definitely has 'cause you know, being able to tell the story, ⁓ being able to talk about the situation or whatever, ⁓ me being able to vocalize it has helped me with it and it's helped me release the the the shame that I feel. Michael Chestnut: And hopefully you de you didn't feel any condemnation from us. When you you guys told the story, we were just I I don't want to say I wasn't like you know at first because I was like but I remember I was like, How brave to share this with only knowing us for a week, you know? but let me ask you another question real quick. ⁓ a guy listening to the I can't help. This. Let's just be honest. We go to a good-sized church. In our church, I'm sure there's some guys who are where you were. And if not in our church that's listening to this podcast, and truth is, they they're living a secret that their wife doesn't know about. They're hiding something. Could be an affair. It could be their addiction to pornography. It could be, you know, gambling, drugs. It could be what. Really anything, whatever captivates this. But I can't but I I know this your story is not unique to other people. So what would you say? What say something to the guy that's listening to this that is in the midst of it and he doesn't know how to because the thing is it traps you, right? How do you get out of that trap? So how would you help them with Ebon Sharp: ⁓ yeah, no, I would say definitely if if you're in the situation or you know possibly thinking about heading down that road, you know, you might have some encounters. ⁓ I would say definitely if you're in the situation and it's it's still in the dark, I would say confess to your spouse. It's gonna be difficult. ⁓ but that's one of the things that I wish I could change. One, I wish I would have never done it, but if I could go back to where I was already into sin, ⁓ I wish I could bring it to light to her before she found it on her own. ⁓ just, you know, the it's a different kind of guilt or ⁓ distrust and a distaste for earth. Mm-hmm. Her having to find out then me coming out and confessing it. Michael Chestnut: Yeah. And if and if someone's listening to this, I know I know that someone is sitting there going, they're probably like panicking right now, going, You want me to go talk to my wife? And maybe if you can't, you need go find your pastor. Correct. Or that healthy person, like you said, and say, Correct, this is what's going on. And and I need to confess this to my wife. I you don't have to do life alone. Ebon Sharp: Yeah, right. Find find out. Yeah, correct. ⁓ and I again I I I I I'll reiterate, you know, find that that that Christian based person, somebody that's gonna feed into you healthy. Yeah. ⁓ don't just go get your buddy that's gonna agree with you and you know, hot you because you were out there right putting another notch in your belt, you know. ⁓ that's the worst that you can do. Yeah. ⁓ find find that person that you can confide in that is gonna fill you with like Michael Chestnut: Because once you shine light, ⁓ you know, you're talking you need to confess it, because once you shine light on something, that's when the Holy Spirit can take over. That's when healing can start happening. Yes, it's going it's like ripping off a band aid. It it's gonna hurt. But it's gonna either hurt now, and you can let God control the situation out and surrender it to God now, or you can lose everything. Correct. And then you have then. Light's gonna be shined on it. Ebon Sharp: Everything done in the dark will come to light. It will. ⁓ and that didn't hit true for me until this situation happened. ⁓ you know, I've heard that that verse multiple times and ⁓ you know, it was just a verse for me until it it it happened. And ⁓ you know, it's it's going to happen, whether you confess it now or it down the road. ⁓ And it might, you know, you might get away with it for a long time. You might end up into another situation and but eventually it's going to come to light. ⁓ so you know, I would suggest that you take care of it now and the fact that you're bringing it up, ⁓ there's there's a better chance that you'll ⁓ you're able to wal work through it. Whether you know, if you wait till you're found out, there's a lot less chance that you're gonna be able to work through it. ⁓ not that it can't happen because it did happen for me, ⁓ but it can happen. Michael Chestnut: And I think it comes back to what kind of man do you wanna be? What kind of man do you wanna be? Ebon Sharp: What what truly means the most to you. Michael Chestnut: Yeah, because you know, unfortunately a lot of guys don't realize what they have with their wife until it's too late and they've lost her. Ebon Sharp: the whole AD twenty. Why you why do you want to go after this McDonald's when you got steak and potatoes? Yeah. That's how I used to say. ⁓ and that's that's what I did. And that's you know why why would I even think about going over there when I when I had this over here. I didn't have the boundaries and and you know that the whole complacency and you know you take what you have for granted and that's where you know being intentional and and and understanding your spouse and understanding what Michael Chestnut: But it's because you didn't have those boundaries. Ebon Sharp: what their love language is and filling into them. ⁓ and then when you fill into them and what you receive back, you're not even worried about that 20%. Yeah. Because it's 80%. You know it's sufficient. Yeah. Michael Chestnut: And I gotta say, I mean you really my wife loves your wife. You know, she just there you can't help but love b love Beth, you know, and ⁓ w what do you think your guys' future looks like? What what what do you see God doing? Ebon Sharp: You know what? God has been stirring with us w especially because of this situation. ⁓ you know, Beth would have never thought about, you know, small groups. ⁓ she was the one she brought the conversation up. And I had been thinking about it, but I never really said anything. ⁓ so I was excited to hear her talk about it. ⁓ she wants to help women with this, you know, to be able to deal with this situation. ⁓ you know, you look at the divorce rate in America. It's ridiculous. Yeah. And it's because they've normalized divorce. Divorce. You know? ⁓ You don't you don't like what's going on? Just to sleep. and you know, that's one thing I'm I'm glad that, you know, she grew up with a family that you know, her parents were together fifty years. My my parents are still together, you know. And so we we grew up in houses where longevity of a marriage was there. ⁓ no, they had their own nuances, but ⁓ Michael Chestnut: Unfortunately for you too, you had a Beth probably doesn't see herself as strong, but she's a strong woman. And and for her to you know to f to fight for you and and your marriage says a lot about her. Ebon Sharp: Extremely strong cheese. I have a a a a queen, a good queen. You do. I I always, you know, I always talk of you know, when I'm talking with somebody, ⁓ you know, we talk about like history. You look at all the great kings in history or the chess table, you know, the king is the most important person on that chess table. But the queen is the most powerful. Yeah. And everybody every great leader in the in history had a great woman behind them. You know, not not Not that they were inferior, but they were there. They were the ones making that king great. Yeah. ⁓ and that's and that's what I truly have. You do I truly do. You do. ⁓ I'm I'm definitely blessed. Michael Chestnut: I just see a great future for you guys. You know, I I would not even be surprised that after this airs that you know someone's gonna come up to you and say they saw it. I you know, I wrote my book and Devon, there's hardly a month go by that I get a phone call from someone I haven't heard from in 20 years and say, Hey, I read your book and I know what's coming next. They're like, I was all over those pages. I'm And and they will confess to me some of the stuff that they're dealing with, you know. And I see the same thing happening with you because ⁓ you're open with you know, you're open with this. You're like, hey, I'm not gonna hide. Ebon Sharp: It's definitely a vulnerability I've never experienced. ⁓ but I yeah, you know, I feel I feel God tugging and he's like, Hey, you have you have something that can help. You know, we're it it's definitely a success story in the fact that you know it was meant to tear us apart and here we are, we're still thriving together and you know our our our future for you know that we see is to be able to help. Michael Chestnut: I think God's gonna bless you for it. Obed the time. Well you guys have such a great redemption story, you know, and God's grace is sufficient. It really is, you know, and to s to see that with you guys walking it out. I mean, I just we just we me and Amber, we see a power couple. We see a couple we're like, wow. You know, we want that's why we want to rub elbows with you guys. We want we want and that's and that's what's important too, is to have healthy friendships. Correct. You know, and that's what I love about small groups. That's why I'm so glad that our church has a small group, you know, ⁓ for us to do to because it's in it really is in relationships where life changes. You find change, right? And and where someone that's listened to this is is going through this thing, ⁓ there you know, you there's someone like Beth that that would could I walk it with them. There's someone like you that can walk ⁓ with you. A guy can come to you and say, Man, but you know, I'm I'm right there and you'd be like, dude, let's let's pray. Let's let's let's figure a strategy. Ebon Sharp: Get that whole no, you don't have to do life along. Michael Chestnut: Yep, and I love that. So ⁓ thank you again for being on here, you know, ⁓ sharing your story, your inspiration to us, and for you guys listening. ⁓ I just want you to soak this in. Where are you at in life? What are you hiding? What is it that you feel the enemy has you paralyzed at? Or what is that that you're just acting like it's not existing? And ⁓ But it's really keeping you from being the man God's has created you to be. And so I, you know, reach out to us if you're one of those guys that you're like, hey, I need help. ⁓ that's what intentional guy is all about, you know, helping other men to be intentional and overcome ⁓ the strongholds that the enemy has on our life and to become the character and the man God's created us to be. So Yvonne, again, thank you for being here. And to my listeners, till next time, just keep being intentional.