Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1078 - Choose Life Not Dishes

Transcript

#1078 - Choose Life Not Dishes · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: wants answers now.
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  Speaker 1: Well missus Happy Families. Every Friday, we do a review
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  Speaker 1: of the week that was. We talked about what worked
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  Speaker 1: and what didn't. It's called I'll do Better Tomorrow. And
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  Speaker 1: this is a really hard one for me to do
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  Speaker 1: today because I have been home a little bit more
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  Speaker 1: than normal and while most of the week has gone really, really,
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  Speaker 1: really well, and I've loved being with our kids. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: I was thinking the other day, it's such a privilege.
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  Speaker 1: Somebody said to me, oh, six kids.
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  Speaker 3: I was at an event.
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  Speaker 1: Someone said six daughters. Your poor thing, and I just
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  Speaker 1: was like, no, you don't understand. I'm not a poor thing.
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  Speaker 1: I'm so grateful. It's such a privilege to have them. However,
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  Speaker 1: in spite of the fact that it's been a good week,
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to.
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  Speaker 3: Start because Kylie, I blew it. I blew it.
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  Speaker 1: And while there's been good stuff to talk about, I
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  Speaker 1: just want to highlight it because sometimes people need to
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  Speaker 1: know that the Fenning expert gets it wrong just sometimes.
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  Speaker 2: Well, after last week's revelation that you were the world's
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  Speaker 2: number one father in law, ye fair that you would
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  Speaker 2: counter that with challenge.
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  Speaker 3: Gee, and I really blew it.
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  Speaker 2: Make the rest of us feel good.
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  Speaker 1: So on Sunday night, we're going back to the start
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  Speaker 1: of the week. On Sunday night, we had a catch
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  Speaker 1: up with some of your family. We had your sister
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  Speaker 1: and husband and their kids come over, the oldest one
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  Speaker 1: with his girlfriend. Like there was what was there fifteen
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  Speaker 1: people in the house or something like that. There was
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  Speaker 1: a lot of people there. We had Chanelle and Jared
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  Speaker 1: and their baby girl along.
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  Speaker 2: And you know the best thing about dinner the.
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  Speaker 1: Other night, there was fifteen people in the house.
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  Speaker 2: Well, we ate it on the floor.
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  Speaker 3: We don't have dining table at the moment.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, we got into the dining table and the new
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  Speaker 1: one hasn't arrived.
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  Speaker 3: I'm not calling that a win. I didn't like that
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  Speaker 3: at all.
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  Speaker 2: I just thought it was really novel.
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  Speaker 1: My knees and my back were like, what are you doing?
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  Speaker 1: I'm sounding old. I'll stop it. So Emily for Homeschool
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  Speaker 1: had a school assignment and you decided that on Sunday
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  Speaker 1: night it was going to be the opportunity to do it.
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  Speaker 1: We were celebrating some birthdays. We're having a lot of fun.
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  Speaker 1: I got involved and did all of that, but right
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  Speaker 1: at the very end of the night, you said, I
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  Speaker 1: just need everyone to help Emily with this school assignment.
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  Speaker 1: And it was a warm fuzzies activity. Each person had
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  Speaker 1: to write their name on a piece of paper and
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  Speaker 1: a four sheet of paper, and then everybody in the
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  Speaker 1: room was asked to write something nice about the person
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  Speaker 1: whose name was on the piece of paper that was
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  Speaker 1: in front of them.
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  Speaker 2: It was a little bit more specific at the moment
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  Speaker 2: in how she's learning about relationships and what makes good relationships,
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  Speaker 2: and so this was an opportunity for each of us
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  Speaker 2: to recognize what makes a good friend or what makes
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  Speaker 2: a good person in a positive relationship.
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  Speaker 1: Right, So we're writing down things we like about the
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  Speaker 1: other people, and everyone's piece of paper ends up in
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  Speaker 1: front of everybody else, so that everyone could write something
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  Speaker 1: nice about everybody else. That makes sense, right, So you
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  Speaker 1: called out to me to participate because I just started
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  Speaker 1: clearing away the plates. I was going to say from
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  Speaker 1: the table, but we didn't have a table. So I
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  Speaker 1: was picking up plates and glasses from the floor and
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  Speaker 1: taking them into the kitchen and getting everything organized in
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  Speaker 1: the kitchen, and you said come and help, Come and
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  Speaker 1: be involved, Come and do this. This is a warm,
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  Speaker 1: fuzzy thing.
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  Speaker 3: It's going to be really good.
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  Speaker 1: And I wanted to It's a really nice thing to do.
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  Speaker 1: I saw the value in it. I wasn't trying to absconde.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, I really wanted to be involved. But the
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  Speaker 1: kitchen was a mess because the dishes from fifteen hungry
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  Speaker 1: people don't clean themselves. And I said, all right, I'll
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  Speaker 1: be there in a sec. I'm just going to take
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  Speaker 1: care of a few things in the kitchen. First, you
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  Speaker 1: were extremely efficient. I was less efficient. The dishes took
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  Speaker 1: longer than I thought. The activity was over faster than
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  Speaker 1: I thought. And I missed the activity. And what I
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  Speaker 1: really missed I think I missed two things. First of all,
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  Speaker 1: I watched later on that night. Everyone had gone home,
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  Speaker 1: and Emily had her yellow sheet of paper with her
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  Speaker 1: list of all the things that people love about her.
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  Speaker 1: And I was watching and sitting on the couch reading
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  Speaker 1: that list over and over and over, and I just thought,
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  Speaker 1: I missed out on here, this is all about me.
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  Speaker 1: I missed out on the opportunity to have people say
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  Speaker 1: nice things about me.
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  Speaker 3: I didn't get to sit there and.
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  Speaker 2: Go oh, they all love you may have towards the end,
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  Speaker 2: when you realized we were all but done, said can
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  Speaker 2: you put it out a piece of paper with mine?
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  Speaker 3: I'm gonna do everyone.
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  Speaker 1: I was a bit too late. But then later on
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  Speaker 1: in another room, I think it was in our room,
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  Speaker 1: I found you doing the same with your piece of paper,
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  Speaker 1: and it was just this revelation to me, because these
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  Speaker 1: silly yellow slips of paper with a few messy notes
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  Speaker 1: on them were genuinely meaningful to everyone who now had one,
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  Speaker 1: and I didn't have one. But the second thing, which
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  Speaker 1: is even more important, I think, is that I missed
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  Speaker 1: the opportunity to say something that was loving and kind
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  Speaker 1: and beautiful to a dozen or so of the people
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  Speaker 1: who I love more than anyone else in the world.
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  Speaker 1: I chose a clean kitchen as my priority. I didn't
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  Speaker 1: choose the better part, and the goodness that I could
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  Speaker 1: have had from being involved was taken away from me
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  Speaker 1: because I got my priorities wrong. So I'll do better
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  Speaker 1: tomorrow as I wipe some weepiness out of my eye.
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  Speaker 3: Is get the priorities right.
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  Speaker 1: Because these moments, these opportunities to say those things, have
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  Speaker 1: these things said about us they should come along all
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  Speaker 1: the time, but they don't. And that was a singular
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  Speaker 1: and unique moment where we could have really or I
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  Speaker 1: could have really made a contribution and shared so much
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  Speaker 1: love and received it as well, and I missed it.
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to go out on a really big tangent here,
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  Speaker 2: but why do you think it is so challenging for
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  Speaker 2: most of us to actually express those feelings of love, gratitude,
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  Speaker 2: and admiration for one another. For most of us, it's
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  Speaker 2: not a comfortable conversation.
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  Speaker 1: I love doing it, and I'm pretty sure I know
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  Speaker 1: why I love doing it and why people struggle with it.
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  Speaker 1: But I just want to emphasize that I just chose
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  Speaker 1: to clean the kitchen. I didn't have a problem with
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  Speaker 1: being involved. I just want to oh, no, no, cary about that. No.
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  Speaker 2: The point that you've made that you missed an opportunity
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  Speaker 2: and that it should be something that we do all
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  Speaker 2: the time, but for most of us, we don't.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: So I think I think that there are probably two
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  Speaker 1: really key answers here. The first one that strikes me
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  Speaker 1: is that we think that there'll always be another time.
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  Speaker 1: We really discount the moment and put it off into
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  Speaker 1: the future, because we think in the future there will
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  Speaker 1: be an opportunity, and it will probably even be a
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  Speaker 1: better opportunity. So to me, that would be number one.
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  Speaker 3: Number two.
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  Speaker 1: Number two is that it requires us to open ourselves up.
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  Speaker 1: And when we open ourselves up and when we're vulnerable,
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  Speaker 1: there is a possibility sometimes even a probability of rejection
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  Speaker 1: or our kindness may not be received the right way.
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  Speaker 1: It might be responded to with a sarcastic or a
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  Speaker 1: witty quip rather than a heartfelt sign of appreciation, and
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  Speaker 1: then a reciprocal response where somebody says, and I love
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  Speaker 1: you too, or I think the world of view as well.
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  Speaker 1: So I think between those two things, we can always
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  Speaker 1: do it another time, which of course we can't route
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  Speaker 1: and keeping saying it if.
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  Speaker 3: Tomorrow never comes.
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  Speaker 1: But also because it can be hard to open ourselves
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  Speaker 1: up and be vulnerable. Gus Walland does this thing in
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  Speaker 1: his workshops, and I've borrowed it and done it once
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  Speaker 1: or twice myself, where he gets people to pull out
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  Speaker 1: their phone. Normally we're talking about groups of men in
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  Speaker 1: blue collar industries going in and doing a workshop about
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  Speaker 1: mental health, and tells these guys pull out your phone.
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  Speaker 1: And I want you to send a message to somebody,
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  Speaker 1: a mate, send a message to a mate and just
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  Speaker 1: say really grateful for our friendship, I love you, or
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  Speaker 1: something like literally those words. And the guys in the
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  Speaker 1: room when I've done it, they just guffer or they're like.
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  Speaker 3: Oh, I'm not doing that.
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  Speaker 1: We're doing that, and I'm like, well, you don't have to,
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  Speaker 1: but this is the activity, and I want to encourage
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  Speaker 1: you to. And as they send the text messages, I say, oh,
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  Speaker 1: by the way, I want you to leave your phones on.
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  Speaker 1: I want to hear the dings as you get the responses,
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  Speaker 1: and I'd like you to read the responses out to.
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  Speaker 3: Everyone in the room.
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  Speaker 1: And only about fifty percent of people, in my experience,
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  Speaker 1: will send the message. Most people will say no, I'm
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  Speaker 1: not doing it. But for the fifty percent who do,
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  Speaker 1: the phone start dinging straight away, and the messages that
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  Speaker 1: they get back and beautiful, I love you too, mate,
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  Speaker 1: and things like that, and every now and again the
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  Speaker 1: phone will ring and it'll be somebody's saying, are you okay?
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  Speaker 3: It's everything.
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  Speaker 2: I right.
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  Speaker 1: Because it's so unusual that we would send those kinds
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  Speaker 1: of messages, I missed the opportunity to send a dozen
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  Speaker 1: or so of those messages on Sunday night, and I'm
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  Speaker 1: really really I'm not beating myself up too bad about it,
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  Speaker 1: but gee, I wish i'd done I wish I'd chosen differently.
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  Speaker 1: That's why I'd do better tomorrow. Seize the day, tell
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  Speaker 1: people that you love them, tell them what you love
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  Speaker 1: about them, and get involved with whatever the family is doing,
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  Speaker 1: even if it's not doing it for you right now,
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  Speaker 1: and you think the kitchen matters more missus happy families.
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  Speaker 1: What is your older better tomorrow?
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  Speaker 2: Well, what I really want to talk about is how
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  Speaker 2: excited we are to have baby number two under our
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  Speaker 2: roof again.
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  Speaker 1: She's been gone for eighteen months in Europe doing missionary
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  Speaker 1: work and serving the community in the Leeds area, and
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  Speaker 1: she's finally come home.
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  Speaker 2: But we're recording this a day before she gets home,
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  Speaker 2: so we don't know to wait until next week and
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  Speaker 2: discover all the things that we've gone through in that
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  Speaker 2: week she comes home.
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  Speaker 1: So what is your old do better tomorrow? Since we
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  Speaker 1: can't have the live moment. If this was radio, we
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  Speaker 1: could do it live. We could say, hey, it happened
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  Speaker 1: last night, But unfortunately the recorded nature of podcast means
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: one week to wait, but oh you, we're excited. What
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  Speaker 1: is your old to bed tomorrow? For this week though,
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  Speaker 1: we talk a lot.
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  Speaker 2: About belonging, this need for us to feel like we belong,
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  Speaker 2: and how family traditions and family stories help our children
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  Speaker 2: to understand who they are and where they belong in
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  Speaker 2: the family tree, but in life in general, and how
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  Speaker 2: those relationships really matter. So halful of years ago we
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  Speaker 2: welcomed Jared into our lives, and one of the family
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  Speaker 2: traditions we have is that come birthday times, we share
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  Speaker 2: the birth story of each girls. And I've gotten really
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  Speaker 2: slack over the last few years, because if I hadn't
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  Speaker 2: have written them down, all of those labors all kind
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  Speaker 2: of blend.
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  Speaker 3: Into one story.
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  Speaker 1: Six very painful experiences that all just feel like the
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  Speaker 1: same thing now, and every one.
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  Speaker 2: Of them has a very unique moment, but for the
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  Speaker 2: most part, they're all very similar until the end when
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  Speaker 2: we get to meet this beautiful, beautiful new baby. And
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  Speaker 2: so I'm really grateful that I've written it down, because
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  Speaker 2: I at this stage of life, I now actually pull
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  Speaker 2: it out and read it to make sure I don't
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  Speaker 2: mess up the details, because they'll be sure to tell
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  Speaker 2: me that I've got it all wrong if I don't.
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  Speaker 2: But I was thinking about that in the lead up
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  Speaker 2: to Jared's birthday last week, and I was thinking about
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  Speaker 2: the fact a couple of things. Number One, I didn't
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  Speaker 2: birth him. He's not my flesh and blood. But secondly,
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  Speaker 2: Jared actually doesn't have a birth story. Jared was adopted,
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  Speaker 2: and as such, he he has never been told that story.
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  Speaker 2: He doesn't know what that story looks like. He doesn't
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  Speaker 2: he literally there is there is no sense of belonging
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  Speaker 2: in that space for him. And so when we celebrated
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  Speaker 2: his birthday with the family the other night, I just
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  Speaker 2: felt like I needed to add him to the equation
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  Speaker 2: of our family tradition of birth stories. And I didn't
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  Speaker 2: do a great job of it. I need to work
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  Speaker 2: on it, but I really wanted him to know that
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  Speaker 2: him coming into our family was a big deal.
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  Speaker 1: He was birth into our family, what five, six, seven, eight,
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  Speaker 1: however many years ago, it was now.
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  Speaker 2: And it was pretty messy.
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  Speaker 1: It didn't look nice, It was pretty painful.
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  Speaker 3: It was very painful and drawn out. I don't think
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  Speaker 3: drugs were involved.
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  Speaker 2: But we look at life now and I can't imagine
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  Speaker 2: doing life without him, and I love that we've created
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  Speaker 2: these traditions that help our family to feel like they
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  Speaker 2: belong and have a sense of who they are. And
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  Speaker 2: I hope that over the years, as we get better
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  Speaker 2: in telling his birth story, that he will feel like
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  Speaker 2: he's a part of our story.
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  Speaker 1: The idea of birth stories comes up in some research
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  Speaker 1: by a guy called Marshall Duke. He's a professor of
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  Speaker 1: psychology at Emory University, and he found that people who
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  Speaker 1: know their roots, people who know what happened when they
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  Speaker 1: were being born, or know where their parents grew up
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  Speaker 1: or their grandparents grew up, or where they met or
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  Speaker 1: where they were married or whatever. People who have those
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  Speaker 1: stories from their history, from their background, they tend to
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  Speaker 1: be more resilient. They tend to do better in life
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  Speaker 1: than people who don't have those roots and don't have
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  Speaker 1: those stories. And so that's why we do it. I
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  Speaker 1: love that you did it. It was so much fun
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  Speaker 1: to do that, really really enjoyable night until I decided
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  Speaker 1: to clean the kitchen instead of hang up with the
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  Speaker 1: warm fuzzies missus, Happy families. Thanks for sharing, it's a
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  Speaker 1: really nice story. We can't wait to join you next week.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Tell you all about having our daughter being at home
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: for our old Do better Tomorrow next Friday, will be
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  Speaker 1: well about a week into it by then, and will
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  Speaker 1: it's a literally one was Lee, my goodness.
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  Speaker 3: Can't wait? Can't wait.
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  Speaker 1: The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Rowlin from
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: Bridge Media. We hope this has given you some in
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  Speaker 1: to make your family happier. Otherwise, we hope you enjoyed
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: our show and tell, which is kind of what it
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: felt like a little bit do better Tomorrow. That's the
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: whole idea, make your family happier. Thank you so much
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: for listening, and we will talk to you on Monday
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  Speaker 1: on The Happy Families podcast