Latest / Dear Chelsea / Whole-Relationship Red Flags with Julianna Margulies

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Whole-Relationship Red Flags with Julianna Margulies · Dear Chelsea

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Oh hello everybody. Hi, Hi Katherine, Hi, how are you, Chelsey.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: I'm We're gonna get started right away today with my
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: upcoming stand up dates. I'm coming to Hawaii on July one, ohho,
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: July three to Maui, and I'll be at the Just
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: for Last Comedy Festival in Montreal July hosting a gala,
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: a gala also pronounced as gala. I am in Vancouver
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: August twelve, two shows in Vancouver. I'm in Calgary Saturday,
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: August thirteen and Sunday August four. That's Calgary. And then
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: I have tons of dates coming up in the fall,
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: starting with Saratoga, California, Niagara Falls, Long Beach, California, Bakersfield, California,
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: Pasa Roblais, California, Wheatland, California, and lots of places in Florida, Tampa,
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Fort Myers, Daytona Beach, Hollywood, Florida, and the list goes
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: on and on. Oh in San Diego and Riverside, California.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: So lots of dates in California and Tucson, Colorado. Springs. Anyway,
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: go to Chelsea Handler dot com for your tickets. I
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: will see you guys all there. These will be the
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: final dates of my Vaccinated and Horny tour, and I
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: can't wait to see all of you in person now
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: that everybody, well most people are vaccinated and officially horny.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: That's with three ease at the end of Catherine, just
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: in case you didn't know how to spell horny perfect Anyway,
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: I am getting ready to go to Hawaii with our
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: eighteen nieces and nephews. I think it's a team, but
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: the number keeps increasing every day. I don't know if
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: people are giving birth each day in Joe's family or what,
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: but we have already exceeded the maximum capacity in the
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: house that we've rented. I have seven of my nieces
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: and nephews coming, and then Joe has like twelve, and
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: then some other miscellaneous people will not miscellaneous people friends,
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: but like at additions. So we are about to embark
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: on a two week vacation with adult children. Wow. That's
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: kind of the dream though, like when I moved to
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: kill the children it is. I'm like, I just want
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: to be the fun aunt who like lives in California
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: and they get to come visit and summer with me.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: That's all I want. I know, I know, I did
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: you know I was very passionate about that. When I
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: was starting to come up and becoming successful, all I
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: wanted to do was like shower attention and spoil them.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: And now I don't have that same passion set. I
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: love to be around them, but I don't. I'm not
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: like I'm but Joe is. Joe has that passion, so
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: he's gonna have to so he'll bring it out in me,
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: which is interesting because he has a kid, so you'd
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: think that most of that energy would go towards just
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: his own No. No, he spreads a love. That's what
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: I love about him is he's not even just about
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: his own kid. He's about he loves watching all the
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: kids together, all the cousins together. You know. So now
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: we're joining our families. Hopefully we'll see if there are
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: any hookups. Joe's like, you're dirty, He's like, what are
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: you saying. I'm like, well, it's possible. I mean it
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: worked with you two. The girls, the girls in my
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: family are on my side. I'll have boyfriends, so they
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: probably won't be a hook up, but you never know.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: There's chemistry. Yeah, anything can happen in Hawaii. It's a
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: romantic setting, exactly my dad once went to Hawaii on
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: like a business trip without my mom and he was like,
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: I will never go back as a one person by myself.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: It was like it was terrible. He wasn't even heartbroken,
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: and he was like, this is for couples. It's exactly,
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: it is for couples. Our guest today has a book
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: out just came out in paperback. It's called Sunshine Girl,
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: An Unexpected Life. You know her from her work on
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: e Er, The Good Wife and now the Morning show
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: on Apple TV pull Us. She is an Emmy, Golden
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: Globe and sag Ward winner. Please welcome Julianna Margulis. Hi. Julianna, Hi, Chelsea.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: I'm so happy to see you in person, so happy.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: The last time we saw each other was at the Beacon,
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: at my show at the Beacon. Yeah, you came to
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: the show. Thank you for coming. I've always always loved you.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: I've always loved you admired your work. We've met over
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: the years at different social events, different boyfriends houses. I
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: say boyfriends concerning me because you've been married for quite
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: some time now to your lover and a half years.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: Oh that's not that. Actually, I would have thought you
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: were married longer than that. But we've been together sixteen years,
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: sixteen years, sixteen and a half. But I love your
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: love story, which you talk about in your book Sunshine Girl,
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: which if you haven't read that book already, congratulations on
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: the success of your book, because I know it's been
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: on the New York Times Bestseller for how many weeks.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: I don't know, Yeah, I don't. I don't know that
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: type of person who would pay attention to that. And
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: I can vouch for her when she says that she
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: means it. I was just happy you guys sent a
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: car for me today. I thought I was going to
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: be on the subwhere you have a very like a
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: thrifty mentality. Regardless of how much success you've had over
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: the years, with all of your shows with e Er,
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: with The Good Wife, with everything in between, you still
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: act like you are scraping pennies together. It is bizarre.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: I mean literally, just before I got here, I sent
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: my this. I hate saying assistant, but I sent my
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: assistant on vacation because he needed it. He really need
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: a vacation. My husband's in London, my kids in school,
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: and my housekeeper. After reading your book, I was laughing
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: at myself because I have a housekeeper who comes twice
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: a week, and Tuesday she comes, and I thought, how
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: am I going to walk the dog before I get
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: in the car to come to see Chelsea. And then
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: I literally went. I went up to her. She's been
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: my housekeeper for twenty years, and I said, Sam, any
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: chance you want to make some extra cash? And I
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: handed her money to go and walk my dog. But
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: I hadn't even thought of that until I was like
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: putting on makeup, going I'm not gonna be able to
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: walk the dog. First of all, my housekeeper takes my
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: dog every time I leave, which is I haven't been
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: home in three weeks. We never even discussed it. She
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: takes both dogs, and she has full full she has
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: She is their mother and she has full control over
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: their schedules. And sometimes when I come back into town,
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: if because I've been on tour for the better part
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: of a year, if I come back on a Saturday,
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: I have maybe a couple of days to spend with
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: my baby bees. She won't even bring them back for
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: me on the Saturday. She'll bring them back on Monday
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: when she comes back. When she comes back to work
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: is when she brings the dogs suits. Yeah, whatever suits her,
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: and we have a power dynamic that is in her favor.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: So I have no say in this situation. But it's
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: so good. Yeah, and I mean it should be a
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: television show, all right now, Well, actually, that's funny you
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: mentioned that we're making it into a television show. It
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: should be. We're making my last book into a show.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: For Peacock life will be the death of me. And
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: a big part of the story is my cleaning lady
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: and my dog's relationship because she's been my cleaning lady
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: for fifteen years and she calls me baby Pig. That's
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: her nickname for me, and so a lot of my
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: friends also call me baby pig Pig. It's a long story.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: It involves chocolate nutclusters, but we can get into that. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: we can get into that at another time. I want
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: to talk a bit about your book because we have
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: some commonalities that I think are going to surprise you.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: One is our love for Carly Simon. I also love
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: Carly Simon. Yeah. I grew up with her son and
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: Ben and Sally, her son and daughter. I used to
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: hang out with Sally and there was a bunch of girls.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: I hung out with them Martha's Vineyard and we would
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: go over to Carly Simon's house and I had never
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: met it. I was probably like eleven twelve years old.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: I had never met a celebrity, and I remember Carly
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: Simon came out and then James Taylor was always around.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: But had you listened to her music before you met her? Oh? Yeah,
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: my whole family because of the vineyard, Like Carly Simon
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: is gospel up there, you know. I mean she should
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: be gospel everywhere, but primarily because she lives on the vineyard,
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: and so our whole family is whiz down with Carly Simon.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: And I remember going over to her house and I
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: was hanging out with all my girlfriends and they ordered
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: pizza and Carly Simon came out to the pool and
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: she was picking up the pizza and I just was like,
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: oh my god, no, she can't carry pizza boxes. And
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: I got up and was like grabbing them out of
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: her hands like an idiot, you know, like a sycophan.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: And I was just a little girl. I'm like, no, no, no, no,
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: I'll carry those for you. And I remember being so
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: so nervous, and then I remember the next time I
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: went over there, I was like, you've got to get
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: to get it together, Like she's this is embarrassing. Mean,
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: while I was a little girl like charmed by it. Yeah, doubtful.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: I wasn't that charming. But that we have in common
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: our love for Carly Simon. And then another thing we
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: have in common is being prompt and early for everything,
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: because nobody ever picked you up from school. I mean, I,
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: I got here eight minutes early. I got here, I
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: got here fourteen minutes early. I have to be early.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: Even if I try to be late, I get somewhere
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: and then I have to sit in the car and
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: wait so I don't look like a dick for getting
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: there so early. It's the story of my life. That's
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: why I married my husband because he was early to
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: our first date and I was early and embarrassed, and
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: I walked in and he was already at the bar,
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: half a drinking. He's like, I'm gonna marry you. Well,
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: I'm glad that you even went to that dinner party
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: because you weren't going to go to that dinner party.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: I wasn't going to go. And then you recalled a
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: piece of advice that your father had given you, which
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: is you know you never was your grandfather my father's father. Yeah,
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: the book was originally called The Left instead of a Right.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: You never know, but I don't know. Random House didn't
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: think it was a good title. Publishers never liked the
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: titles that we come up with. Yeah, I mean, I've
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: come up with every title from my book and my
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: current book that I'm working on. I wanted to be
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: called the Filipino in Me as a double ententtra It's
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: so good, I know, because it means two things. It
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: means the one thing and then it means all the
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: things that he brings out in me right. And they're like, well,
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: I feel like they're going to tell me that it's
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: going to exclude a certain part of the prob just
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: because it's Filipino means it's only geared towards Filipino. From
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: six New York Times bestseller books, Chelsea, I think you
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: can call it whatever the funk you want to Thank you, Julia.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: That's to my editors. Okay, I hope you're listening, But
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: back to your book, you take us through. I was
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: just saying this off air, but I want to say
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: it on air. You take us through a story. Your
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: book is so well done because there's a beginning, in
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: the middle and an end, which I appreciate as an
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: avid reader of memoirs, and you answer all the questions
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: that you raise throughout the book, Like I was like, well,
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: what's going to happen with Alec? And then what's going
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: to happen with this? And they're better be closure on
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: the relationship and you better actually call your father out
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: and you wrap everything up and you know, you answer
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: all the questions the reader has going through the book
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: with you. But I think would surprise me most about
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: your book is how tough you are and how much
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: ship you had to endure as a little girl and
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: just tough it out without crying because our dispositions are different.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: I was a spoiled brat and if I didn't get
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: what I wanted, if I my parents pulled any nonsense
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: that I wasn't down with, like they never heard the
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: end of it. So reading about you always wanted your
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: father's approval and adoration and not being able to stand
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: up for yourself and just kind of be dragged around
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: the world by your mother, who you know, whose priorities
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: were all over the shop, which you know, you bring
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: up a great point in which every one of us
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: realizes when we get older, is that our parents are
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: people too. They're not just our parents, they actual yeah,
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: and they make mistakes. Yeah, And god, I hope my
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: kid knows that when he gets older, because I'm sure
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: I'm making a million mistakes. But that being said, my
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: mother made a few colossal mistakes. So how does that
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: when you have that disposition growing up? You want to
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: be sunshine girl, you want to be the smiley girl.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: You don't want to upset your visits with your father
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: because some of them sometimes they had been far few
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: and far between, right, and you lived all over the place.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: You lived in England, you lived in Paris, that was later,
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: but you your mom kind of dragged you back and
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: forth to England a couple of times. Paris, England, New York, England,
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: New Hampshire, England, mostly England, mostly England, and sometimes not
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: under the most ideal circumstances. And so how does one
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: person going through all of that, when do you learn
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: to stand up for yourself? You know it was weird
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: is once I got out of middle school and was
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: in high school, I seem to stand up for myself
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: in glass and with friends more than I could at
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: home or than I could with my dad, for sure,
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: because I only wanted him to love me because we
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: had so little time together. I didn't want it. I
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: never wanted him to disapprove, and I stood up to
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: my mother by the time I got became a teenager
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: all the time. But with men, what I started to
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: find out with all these relationships I had these long
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: term five years, five years and then ten years. I
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: just would shut up, and I realized I was just
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: by the time I was thirty five, I was in
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: those relationships because it's what I knew. It's how I
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: knew how to be around difficult people like your mom,
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: like my mom. So you were mimicking your relationship with
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: men like a lot of people don't talk about that.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: People say, oh, it's your father, your relationship with your father.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: If that's fractured, then you have your daddy issues or
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: however you want to frame that, and that's a replication
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: of your relationship with your father. But it is true
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: that we replicate the most difficult relationships. Yeah, And I
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: think also I was looking for a permanent relationship when
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: I was fifteen, and so I was with a guy,
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: a wonderful guy actually, and we're still we still text
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: each other to this day. He was the mechanic who
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: could build any house. And the truth is he was
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: five years older than me, which is a big difference
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: when you're fifteen and someone's twenty. Well, it's also illegal.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: I have one of those. Yeah, I don't, because that
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: that's happened to me too. I was writing about it
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: one book, My Matter is like, you know this is illegal.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: You're gonna get him in trouble. And I'm like, well,
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: now there's a statue of limitations, so don't worry going
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: to get in trouble. And I would like to make
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: the argument that at fifteen, I was fucking forty five,
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: so I see where you're coming from. For me, it
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: was like he called all the shots because he was
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: the adult. He had the car, he had the you know,
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: he was out of school. He was picking me up
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: on his motorcycle. You know. There was something about him
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: for me that was like, oh I found home. Yeah,
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: of course. And so I didn't really have a voice.
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: I didn't say I don't like this, I don't like
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: that until I got to college. And then I was like,
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: you know what, I think we're We're done because I started,
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: I wanted to explore, and then, of course I end
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: up with a man who's gay for how many years?
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: Another five years? Another five I'm I'm a loyalist, for sure.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: I stayed very loyal, But I stayed in them because
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to upset anybody, right, I didn't want
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: to hurt anybody. I didn't want to be the bad
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: guy I used to have. I used to have these
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: visions of the Tenure relationship, which was really the difficult relationship.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: The other two I'm really good friends with, but the
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: Tenure relationship. I used to have these fantasies that I'd
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: come home from work and I'd find a woman in
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: my he was living in my house. I'd find a
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: woman in my bed with him, and then I could
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: leave because I have a reason and it wouldn't be
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: my fault. That was the scenario I played every time
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: I drove into the driveway. It's amazing to me, it's horrible,
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: it's just amazing to me. And I won't pretend that
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: I didn't google who that person was that you were
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: talking about, because I did. I had to find out
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: who you were talking about. But don't you think I tactfully? Yes?
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: And the reason I don't name him is because this
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: book isn't I don't want to throw anyone under the bus.
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: I want to talk about my as a woman, my
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: reaction to this. It was my fault. You know, I
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: have to take responsibility. And it wasn't until I realized
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: when I was in therapy twice a week for a
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: year after I left that relationship, that was really my mom.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: He was my mom because that was always eggshells, not
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: knowing what mood, what country, what boyfriend, what whatever she
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: was throwing at me. I obviously was comfortable with with
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: the uncomfortable nous, But I mean I beat myself up
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: for a good year, going who are you? Why did
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: you allow that you weren't happy? And that's a lot
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: of what the book is about is like finding your
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: own narrative. You don't have to hold onto your childhood,
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: but we do. We do. And then, and I think
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: you know, mentioning therapy after you get out of a
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: difficult relationship is so relatable to so many listeners because
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: it's only after I was in a very troubling relationship
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: probably one of the last times I met you was
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: at his house upstate, New York. And that was a
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: completely unhealthy relationship where I was not I had no agency,
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: I had no for me, you know, I could tell
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: the person and that I a spouse and the person
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: that people think that I am or perceived me to be.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: Like everything just flew out the window with the chemistry
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: between us. It was just so off. And again I
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: can't blame him. I participated in that, But when you
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: come out of that kind of relationship, you it is
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: your responsibility to do the work to figure out why
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: you stayed in that relationship. And then I do believe
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: that's what draws the right person to you, absolutely, because
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: you get healthy and then you bring a healthy towards you.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: And I think it's for me, especially for me because
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: I had overlap boyfriend since I was fifteen to thirty five.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: For me, it was finally being happy being alone. Yeah, right,
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: what you talk about in the book, and I talked
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: about that, like my my favorite Valentine's I hate Valentine's Day.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: It's such as it's like I can't believe these people
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: make money off of a d like that drives my
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: husband's like, we'll celebrate the day we met, because that,
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: to me is Valentine's daying like great, But I was
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: working on the last season of The Sopranos and um,
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: and it was Valentine's Day and I got off work
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: early and I just moved into this great loft and
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: soho and by myself, a three bedroom loft, and so
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: like for me, I was like, oh my god, I'm
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: looking especially for you. You can't even believe you have
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: a house today. I can't. I can't. And I went
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: to my favorite bookstore, McNally's on Prince Street, and I
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: bought three books that I really wanted to read, and
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: I made myself a bubble bath, poured a glass wine,
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: put on the music I wanted to listen to, and
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: spent Valentine's Day night in the tub with a glass
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: of wine and my book. And I was in heaven.
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: And three days later I met my husband. Yeah, it's
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: like you find peace within yourself and then you then
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: you are able to recognize also to see right, to
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: recognize what is the best thing for you rather than
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: to perpetuate old habits. Well, and what makes me happy,
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: not what makes them happy, and so when I when
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: I met Keith, it was this is who I am,
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: Take it or leave it. And I had this in
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: the book and I got edited out. I did have
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: a great editor, and there's no fat on the book.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: We we there's a whole other book on the floor
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: or But there was this great moment. Keith and I
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: had had a really fun night out. We were a
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: little a lot hungover, and I had this white runner
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: in the hallway from my bedroom to the kitchen and
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: we woke up. We were probably four weeks, five weeks
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: into the relationship, and it was Sunday morning. You know,
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: nothing better than like making coffee and getting on the
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: couch with the paper or whatever. I was. It was
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: heaven for me. And we're walking down and he's behind me,
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: and we're walking down the hallway and I see this
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: huge ball of fluff on the carpet and I bent
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: down to pick it up because that is who I am.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: And he went, seriously, can we have coffee first before
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: you start cleaning? He was saying it sweetly, not judgmentally.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: And I hovered over that piece of fluff and I
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: picked it up and I turned around and I said,
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: this is who I am. No matter how hungover I am,
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: I will always clean up. And he went great, my
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: apartments down the street you wanted, I have tons of
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: fluff balls feel free. But it was one of those
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: for me, a defined moment that I had found myself
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: and a relationship. That was in the galley because I
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: read that that's what you sent me originally, and I've
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: read that scene and that's not in the book that
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: I've reread this week, So that was in the galley. Yeah,
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: that's interesting that you cut that out, cutting out fat.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: It's so hard to edit, you know sometimes when you're
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: trying to tell your whole story. I can relate to
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: that for sure. But I think what you mentioned is
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: so important for our listeners to hear too, that alone
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: time where you really discover who who you are and
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: what makes you happy and what what is what is
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: contributing to your self worth and self esteem rather than
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: what is kind of taking away from it. You know,
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: like it's all of our responsibilities to kind of fill
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: ourselves up and make ourselves whole. It's nobody else's responsibility.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: You know, you can't blame anyone else for your self
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: doubt or your insecurity. People can trigger us, and they
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: can because we have all of our histories. And then
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: you have the power not to be around them, or
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: you have the power to react in a different that
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: doesn't feel good. Yeah, exactly, And and that is the
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: beauty of getting older. I have to say, I know
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: there's a lot of things that suck about getting older.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: What do you think sucks the worst about getting older?
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: My eyes? I can't see anything. Look at this. I
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: know I can't even read this right now. These are
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: called bunny eyes. I told the woman to send me
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: a bunch yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then she goes
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: one like this, yeah, I'm like, and then you can
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: hold them up. So she brought me a bag of
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: him at my last show in like Long Island, and
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: they're like, I guess the prescribe. My prescription just keeps
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: decreasing or increasing whatever. So now I can't even use these.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: I'm like, fuck. And then makeup putting on makeup. If
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: I don't have a magnifying mirror, I'm screwed because I
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: can't if I shut one eye, I can't see that.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: I So when you if you check into a hotel
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: and they don't have a magnifying mirror and you have
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: a thing because I usually of course, of course, you
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: do your own makeup. She styles herself, she does her
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: own grocery shopping, she's her own chambermaid. Is that still
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: a word chambermaid? It is my house and it's me.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: But yeah, that I think I would say the eyes
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: is one. And also just like I'm just I'm nine
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: years older than you. I just had a birthday and
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: I'm I think I'm nine years I just turned fifty six.
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: But i just started noticing, like my skin feels like
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: it's getting looser, like just a little bit. But I'll
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: tell you the myth about menopause because you talk about
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: it sometimes. So here's what's great about it. I'm going
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: to talk about the positivity of it. Great. The positivity
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: of it is when I would get my period, like
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: three days before my period, my boobs would ache and
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: they'd grow a size and I'd have to have a
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: different and it just was achy. And you were talking
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: about that when you go through menopause, everything stays the same.
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I never worry about what I used
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: to worry about. With all that, I don't get moody.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: I've had a very easy time of it, but it's
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: probably because I eat really well in exercise. But for
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: me anyway, I'm like, oh, I never have to worry
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: about my boo boobs aching or I mean during pen demic,
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: I didn't even know the word bra. It was like
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: I was free and easy and nothing hurt. So that's
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: actually something really lovely to look forward to. And also
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: no one talks about this what what actors go through
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: when you're on a set. It is very different. The
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: day you get your period, it's horrible and you're in
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: the time, especially when I was Alicia Floor. You're in
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: all the tight things and it all fit during the fitting,
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: and then you have your period and you're you're running
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: to change your TI. None of that matters anymore. Like
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: I don't worry about wearing white and you don't have
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: the mood swing, Well, you're wearing a white jumpsuit right now,
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: so I can vouch for that. In homage to Chelsea
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: and I have my period, so she's obviously celebrating that.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: But there is something that that's the good parts. I
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: haven't had a bad one, so the worst I don't
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: get mood swings. What I get is did you get
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: mood swings before like during your period. Yeah, oh my god. Okay,
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: good because they sound like all my symptoms. Oh yeah,
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: I would get mood swings, I'd feel a key, I'd
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: be like I don't want to do this, and I
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: would crave chocolate like it like that I had to
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: eat chocolate right, like it was chemical. Yeah, and now
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: I just don't right. And the worst part is actually
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: I heard Brookshields talking about this, which was great. You know,
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: they call them hot flashes and she said she was
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: in London and she said to some guy who was
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: checking her luggage. She was like, I'm sorry, I'm having
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: a hot flash and he said, no, in our country,
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: we call them power surges. And I thought, I like that,
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: you know. And so when when you do get a
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: hot flash, is like, no, I just look really doey.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah right. They can be annoying and they wake you
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: up at night. But it hasn't been so bad. Well,
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: this is very very good. This is inspiring. I'm very
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: excited to go through menopause and about this period thing.
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: It's horrible. I know it's going to be. I'm just
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: like so over it, you know. Oh, I can't wait
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: to get that text You're gonna be so happy that
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: I've gotten I'm going through menopause. How long is that
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: actual process of menopause because my sister said that it
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: can be take anywhere from two to five years. I've
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: heard up to ten years. Oh gosh, really, I think
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: it really depends on the woman. I've had friends who
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: have gone through menopause at forty you know. I didn't
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: go through until so I really think it depends. And
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: here's a little tip. I don't know if it's true,
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: but my my guy in college is said, I was
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: so smart, but when I had terrible, debilitating period cramps
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: when I was in high school and my mother told
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: me to take evening primrose oil and it just stayed
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: with me all these I always take it every day
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: every day. And my guy in college is said, that
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: has helped you through menopause. Oh good to know. Yeah,
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: primrose oil. Or do you take the capsules or did
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: you take it? Took the Yeah, the little capsule, Yeah, okay,
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: I take those every night. People should take that. That's
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: really good for PMS two. By the way, it's great,
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: and it's great for your skin, good for your skin, hair, nails,
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: all that stuff. I think. Okay, So back to your book.
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: We're going to pivot away from menopause for those of
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: you who aren't on the heels of it, and we're
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: gonna go back to Sunshine Girl. Back to your book.
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: I want to know what your relationship is like with
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: your two sisters. Well, it's good. My eldest sister, after
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: she read the book, called me crying and thanked me
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: because she did. I think it's really something to be
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: able to. Um. Yeah, First of all, I asked their
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: permission because it's their childhood too, but I had to
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: write it in my what you know, And that's why
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: I say in the book. You know, I really do
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: think you see the world differently depending like with you,
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: we're the youngest, right the order you were born in
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: dictates how you see the world. So my eldest sister,
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: who I still you know, it's so interesting because I
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: feel bad for her that she felt like she had
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: to mother me. She she was nine when I was three.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: You know, like she's nine, that's a baby. And yet
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: she said to me, I always felt guilty that I
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: got the best years of mom and Dad. I got
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: to see them as a married, in love couple and
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: you never even lived with dad, so you know, it's
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: a it's a juxtaposition between what's worse. I don't know,
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: but I was so protected by them, and that's why
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: by the time I got in the part of the
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: book where I sort of left home and became my
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: own person and was on my own path, I didn't
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: want to talk about them anymore, because that that's their
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: life now, you know. I think my my eldest sister,
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: Alexandra said to me, it was amazing to see it
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: on the paper. It's one thing to feel it and
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: remember it in your own mind, but to see it
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: on the page is very different. Yeah, So I think
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: they're genuinely she's happy that someone told that story, right,
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: because even though your experiences are are different because of
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: the ages. And I know she moved out earlier when
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: she's like fourteen, right, she basically said to your mother,
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: like sunk off, she said, not I can't live with
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: you anymore, right, I mean, And so there must be
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: a lot of guilt that goes with that too, leaving
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: the two of you behind in a sense, not that's
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: that's not that that's what she did. But I'm sure
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: that you could, you know, there's guilt from her for her.
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: But even though your situate, your experiences differ, you still
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: have that understanding, like siblings are the only people in
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: the world who understand what you went through. It is
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: I mean, last week I went to see my stepmother,
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: who's still alive. Literally every time I leave the nursing home,
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: I look up. I'm like, Dad, seriously, this is when
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: you left me. She turned ninety and I had spent
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: three hours feeding her. But the whole drive home, which
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: was a good three hours from Great Barrington, Massachusetts, I
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: called my sister and I said, Okay, now I have
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: because she lives in California. Now I have to tell you.
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: And we just laughed and cried the whole way home.
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: And if you don't have that, and by the way,
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: I'm saying this now, and I'm I'm slightly freaking out
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: because I only have one one kid, so I don't know,
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: but he has very stable parents, so hopefully he won't
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: have the same complaints that me and my sisters have.
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: But it really helps because and also my mom who
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: just got diagnosed with dimension. I had to move her
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: into an assisted living place. The funny parts of it
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: and the sad parts of it. I just call her.
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: I have her support no matter what. You know, She's
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: always there and appreciative that I'm doing all the work.
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: But I'm happy to do it because at the end
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: of the day, like what am I gonna do not
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: be there for them? You have to be there for them,
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: right absolutely. When my father was in a nursing home,
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: I remember my brother and I were leaving driving back
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: one day and his son was in the backseat, and
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: I was like, I was about to go to Africa,
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: and I was like, if dad dies while I'm in Africa,
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: I go, do I have to come back? My brother,
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: my brother Glenn looking, he was like he's just seeing
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: the look on the Stacey because typically Chelsea people return
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: from whatever trips they're on to go to their parents funeral.
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: And then my I go, all right, I'm just asking,
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: like I was just putting it out there. Obviously I'll
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: come back if that's what's expected of me. And my
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: nephew in the back it is like so he said
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: something like, well, maybe we can just kill you or something,
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: and I was like, fuck, I guess I said the
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: wrong thing. If an eight year old knows better than
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: I do. But yeah, you do have a lot of
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: responsibilities as as a child when you become an adult.
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: It's so interesting the whole cycle of parenting, you know,
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: Like I just I never as a kid respect in
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: my parents because I didn't think they had any business
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: having this many children, you know. I just I couldn't
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: ever think about my mother in terms of her as
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: her own history, her own life that she had before
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: I was ever there. I could never think about my
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: father in those terms. To me, they were only my
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: parents and they were there to service me. But that's
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: that's truthful. How is a child supposed to understand what
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: their parents have gone through before? I try to tell
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: my kid. I said to him, I was like, any
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: chance you want to read the book? He's like, no,
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: I'm good. Yeah, And he said, he's like, Mom, I
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: have you every day. I know who you are. He
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: won't watch me act ever, He's like, it's just embarrassing.
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: And I mean he came to the set a couple
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: of times. I was on The Good Wife for seven
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: years and maybe by the time he was eleven, he
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: came to the set because he wanted to sit behind
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: the camera and you know, check out all the equipment,
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: but not because he wanted to see me act. Yeah.
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: It's amazing how immunity you've become to something as soon
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: as you're exposed to it. Right. Oh, it's like, I mean,
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: what's funny now is because The Good Wife wasn't a
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: show that kids in his class would watch, but with
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: The Morning Show because I'm playing this kick out lesbian
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: journalist and his his grade. The hundred kids that are
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: in eighth grade have identified as something other, and I
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: would say good half of that, or lesbian girls. Thirteen
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: year old lesbian girls who are crazy in love with
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: Laura Peterson so suddenly has some currency. He's like, wait,
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: what's up character you're playing because people were talking about her,
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: talking about her? And I was like, who's talking about her?
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: Who watching you? You're too young to watch the Morning Show.
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: He's like, they're all watching mom. But there's I think
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: as he gets older he might appreciate it more. But
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: he said he's embarrassed because he's like, I know he
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: was my mom. I don't want to know you as
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: anyone else. And I think that's healthy and good. Yeah,
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: it probably is. I'm sure he's fine. You guys are
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: both very stable so I'm sure he's not going to
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: have any sort of drama. I mean, he hasn't had
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: drama that you've grown up with because we always correct, right,
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: I mean you you stop that cycle? Yeah, everyone overcorrects.
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: Whoever doesn't have a good experience with their parents does
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: the opposite or perpetuates the cycle, which clearly you're not doing.
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: Another are fascinating thing that I know you've spoken about
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: ad nauseum. But you turned down twenty seven million dollars
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: when they wanted to renew you for two more years
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: on e ER, which I remember reading and going fuck.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: But I've also turned down significant amounts of money, not
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: twenty seven million dollars. But when I was leaving e
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: they thought it was a joke like that. I you know,
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: I was trying to negotiate. I'm like no, no, I'm done.
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: I'm over this, and they're like no, and they kept
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: throwing more and more money, and at one point I went, wow,
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: that's a lot of money. But I'm still not interested.
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: So I can relate to that. But I didn't know
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: that about you until I read your book. I didn't
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: know about that twenty seven million dollars that they wanted
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: to keep you on the er. And I certainly didn't
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: know that you people were on television giving you, like
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: Barbara Walters and Joy Be Horror and people on the
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: View and whatever other television shows were talking smack about
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: you turning down that money, like as in, who does
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: this woman think she is? Because that that kind of money.
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: If you turn that down, that means you think you're
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: better than that. Yeah, which wasn't the case. Which isn't
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: the case. It's not about being better than that. It's
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: about being done with something. I wanted to live my
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: life and I want to move back to New York.
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: I was doing a play for two and six or
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: five dollars a week. Yeah, I didn't you know, until
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: people started talking like that about it. I hadn't thought
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: of it that way. And it was my dad that really.
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: He was like, you know, honey, when you say no
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: to something, people ask themselves what they would say no to,
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: and they wouldn't say no to that. So then they
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: get mad at you for having the courage to do
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: it because it's something they wouldn't do. But the way
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: the View, all those chicks on the View, which I
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: is still to this day, have not been on. Yeah,
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: I don't blame you. I'm not gonna go on it
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: because they never listen. I'm I'm I get it. I'm
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: a somewhat public figure, and so people can rip me
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: to shreds or they have the right right. That's okay.
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: They can't do it to my kid, but they can
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: do it to me. But when it's a woman, and
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: I was thirty two, and when they're saying, who does
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: she think she is? She's not some spring chicken is
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: what Barbara walters and then Joy Behar was like, women
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: can't turn down that kind of you know, it was
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: all about. There was no female support. There was no
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: someone saying, well, wait a minute, she's doing this play
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: and she's off going off to you know, blah blah blah,
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: and maybe wow, maybe money isn't the most important thing
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: in the world to her. But no one took any
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: side except pouncing on who does she I guess they
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: thought I thought I was going to be some big
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: movie star, which that wasn't even my wheelhouse. I just
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: wanted to work. I wanted to work doing other things.
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: Six years is a long time to play the same character.
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: I understand. Yeah, there's a seven year which I think
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: for everything. You know, they talk about that for marriage,
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: but it's in life too. It happens in friendships, it's
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: it happens in work relationships. You know, it happens in
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: in every molecule in your body. Every seven years that
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: your hair changes, your nails change. So suck on that, everybody.
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: That's actually a Jewish thing. Seven years as a cycle.
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: Well it's not just a Jewish thing, but you know,
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: in Judaism seven years is always like a renewal, and
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: every seven years is meaningful in that regard. But tell
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: the story about out how you made that decision. You
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: talked to your father, who, by the way, is so
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: sagacious and his advice giving throughout the book, Like he's
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: just kind of like this old wise man, you know,
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: which is kind of exactly what you want a father
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: to be. But tell the story about going to the
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: bookstore after right, So is it still there the Boodhi
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: bo so on Melrose. Yeah, So I went to the
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: Boodie Tree bookstore and I actually had never been in
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: it before, and I thought it was that same thing
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: that my grandfather was. You never know, a left instead
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: of a right, like just go with what the feeling
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: is and so I went and I picked out a book.
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: I didn't know the author, it said. The book title
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: is Awakening the Buddha Within by Syria Ramdas. And I
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: bought the book. I sort of like, you know, put
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: my finger down the down the shelf and just picked
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: that book. And I brought it home and the boyfriend
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: who I was trying to leave for five years was there,
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: and he was one of the people saying, you gotta
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: take the money, you gotta take the money. He was
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: living a very nice life in my Santa Monica house. Yeah,
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: I bet that's another thing. I was like, she better
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: not take money watches with that guy, he'll never leave. Yeah.
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: And I took the book upstairs into my bedroom and
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: I shut the door, and I sat down on a
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: chair and I closed my eyes and I opened up
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: the book and I just took my finger and pointed
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: at a line in the book and I opened my
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: eyes and I couldn't make this up. The line said,
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: I realized my mission in life was to learn more,
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: not earn more. And I'm not a religious person at all,
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: but I truly I was like, that was like divine intervention.
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: You know, I would say so, and then I read
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: the whole book because I was fascinated. And this was
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: a guy who was a Wall Street genius and making
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: millions and millions of dollars a day and waking up
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: every morning feeling empty, like why aren't I happy? And
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: he ended up giving it all away and becoming a
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: monk and he found his happiness, and it was it
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: was sort of that. It was that was a lightning
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: bolt moment where I thought, do what you want to do,
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: don't do and that was the beginning of the end
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: of that relationship. You know, when I when I started realizing, oh,
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: I'm in charge of my own life. No one else is,
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: because no one else is living it. You can tell
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: me what you want me to do, but you're not
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: in my shoes. And it felt really empowering. Yeah, I
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: think it is really empowering. I hope more women do
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: the same thing and feel like, you know, the self
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: worth that comes along with making that decision, because regardless
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: of how anybody else perceives that, there is a lot
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: of sort of self worth and just saying no to
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: anything that doesn't behoof you or suit your needs or interests.
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: At that point, you know, it's not like you're screwing
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: anybody over. You're just standing up for yourself and directing
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: your own life. Anyway. We could talk for hours about
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: just whatever, but we actually have some advice to be
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: giving out, dolling out joy and I hope you're prepared
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: for those. I'm so excited. I listened to this podcast
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: and I'm always like, how are they going to answer that? Okay, Catherine,
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: tell us what we have in store for us today. Well,
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: we have. We're starting with a question that has to
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: do exactly with what we were just talking about. Money
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: and you know, choosing the right job for yourself, that's fulfilling.
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: We have some sister issues. We've got a whole bunch
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: of good stuff. So we'll take a quick break and
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: we'll be back with Julianna and Chelsea. Okay, Julianna and
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: I are going to just take a quick sprints. We'll
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: be right back and we're back. We're back. Well, our
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: first question comes from Nile. He says, Dear Chelsea, I'm
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: a thirty three year old irishman living in New York
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: City for over ten years now. Like a lot of
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: the Irish diaspora, I assimilated into a career in the
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: bar and restaurant industry. For most of that time, I
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: didn't always love it. I knew there was something more
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: out there for me, but I could never get clear
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: on what. Plus, it was fun, easy money, relatively free
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: of stress, which is how I aspire to live my
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: life as much as possible. Next thing, I know, I've
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: been doing it for eight years with no plan for
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: really what I want to do. When the pandemic hit
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: in I reevaluated this was my oportunity and my sign
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: that it was time to branch out into something new.
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: When an administrative position became available with a nonprofit suicide
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: prevention organization I was familiar with, I applied, and, to
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: my disbelief, was hired to work there. I was so happy.
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: After years of aimlessly floating through the bar and restaurant
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: industry of New York City, I found a calling that
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: aligned so much with my heart and my purpose. For context,
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: I lost a beloved friend to suicide four years ago
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: and vowed that her loss would not be in vain
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: and that I would make some small difference where I could.
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: I found being a small part of an organization that
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: helped those like my dear friend in their darkest hours,
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: to find hope and a way forward to be indescribably
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: rewarding and fulfilling. There was only one problem. I could
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: not survive on what I was earning. All of our
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: services are completely free of charge to the clients, and
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: the organization relies completely on fundraising, donations and grants from
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: the city. I have amassed six thousand dollars in credit
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: card debt over the past year to try and stay aflow.
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: I worked out a compromise with my employer that they
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: would hire an intern so I could finish work earlier
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: and do an evening shifter to in a bar for
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: much needed supplemental income. This was still not enough to
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: survive on. After a lot of internal battling, I now
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: know that the practical solution is that I will, with
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: a heavy heart, have to give my notice and go elsewhere,
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: elsewhere being for now back to serving drinks. I would
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: have stayed in my job until retirement age were it
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: not for the financial side of things. It's very disappointing,
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: but I've tried my best. I feel very overwhelmed and
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: lacking in confidence and even thinking of where to go next.
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: I just want to make a decent income that doesn't
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: have me stressing about money constantly, but also hopefully continue
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: in a similar role that makes a small difference somehow
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: to someone somewhere. Huge Thanks for the excellent podcast and
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: the lives that helps. Nile Hi, Nile Hi, Nile Hi,
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: nice to meet you. You're here today with Julietta Margutie
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: she's our special guest, and Catherine, our producer. Hi Julia
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: to High Chelsea next to see you again, Katherine. How
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: we're good? How are you doing? I'm good, I'm good.
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: Obviously you've just heard my my submission there, so you've
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: got kind of filled in. I'm a week through my
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: two weeks notice now, so halfway there no clear plan
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: on what's coming next, as I say, it will be
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: a temporary stop gap back to the bar, pay off
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: my credit card, which is kind of the big like
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: cloud of dread that's been hanging over me recently, and
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: then beyond that I'll figure it out. But I'm very
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: like I live, like as I say, under a lot
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: of like dread and anxiety. So not having a very
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: clear long term plan of what comes next is like
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: very overwhelming to me. So as I said, I would
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: have stayed in this job happily until the retirement where
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: it not for the financial side of things. But I'm
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: not trying to reframe it and look at it in
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: a more positive way and think, well, maybe you would
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: have grown stale and stagnant staying in a job or
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: in any aspect of life for too long. So maybe
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: this is kind of the push out of my come
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: for it zone that I do need as well. So
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to like train myself to sort of view
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: it in a in a new way. But yeah, the
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: dread and the fear and then the nerds keep kind
• 41:09
  Speaker 1: of creeping back up. I guess, So what are you
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: doing in the interim? You're going back to the bar,
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: You're in a bartend or weight tables. What's you're trying
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: to pay off your debt? Yeah, exactly. They don't pay
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: you anything at the suicide heartline that oh no, I
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: do I do get I do get paid there. I
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: have a salary. It's just it is it's not enough
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: nonprofit and I'm just not surviving on it unfortunately, and
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: I haven't been for a while. But I kind of
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: pushed to the back of my head because I was thinking, well,
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: pros far away the cons. There's so much of this
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: job that I love, and you know, someday I'll you know,
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: be breaking even. But then it's kind of I woke
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: up to it recently and I was going, Okay, I
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: really need to do something about this or the whole
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: of finance financial struggle that I'm deep digging myself into,
• 41:51
  Speaker 1: is going to continue. So I really wrestled with the
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: decision to leave. I really don't want to. I think
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: a lot of it as well. If I don't have
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: particularly high level of self esteem or confidence, and I
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: got so much of that from doing this line of
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: work because I knew how much it was helping other
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: people to be some small part of it, and mentioning
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: as well that suicide is something I've been personally affected by.
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: So yeah, I took tremendous self worth and esteem and
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: everything from itself. Was all of that as well. I
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: don't get the same boats from waiting tables carry no ship.
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: That's the way. It's a good way to take away
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: your self esteem. But listen, you've had this positive that
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: you've had this that's not gonna happen to you. You've
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: had this positive experience right doing what you really got
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: fulfilled from, so you know like where that lies, and
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: is there a way for you to do that on
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: a part time level, like to volunteer a couple of
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: days a week when I know you need to pay
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: off your credit cards now, so that's the most important thing.
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: But is there a way to stay working for this
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: nonprofit on a more minimal basis. I'm sure there could be,
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: and we did discuss that, but again, I just feel
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: it's not probably a viable long term solution. Definitely, there's
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: going to be case by case basis like volunteer like
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: for fundraising events and certain things like that, but doing
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: it on a continuous basis, I don't think it's going
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: to really be feasible. I wouldn't rule it out, certainly.
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: If it's something that becomes, you know, an opportunity, I
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: will definitely available. I just don't think it's you know,
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: really feasible right now. At least maybe it's something that
• 43:20
  Speaker 1: I can revisit a little bit of a better situation. Well,
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: I would just say, you know, if that brought you
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: as much fulfillment as you're describing, it's worth holding onto it.
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: Even if it's a day or a day a week,
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: you know, even if you go in on a Sunday
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: for four hours or you know whatever. I think that's
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: valuable to keep in mind, you know, to have an
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: attachment to that still, or look for another place where
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: you can volunteer for those hours, you know, just for
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: like one day a week, or you know, where you're
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: really talking to people. And in the meantime, I would say,
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: you know, if you've found such value and fulfillment in that,
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: I think what you need to look for the next
• 43:55
  Speaker 1: six months should be about you paying off your credit cards,
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: which I'm sure you can do waiting table, I mean
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: bart doing wait tables, You're going to be able to
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: make cash quickly. But you should be looking in the
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: direction of therapy, like in counseling and helping people. Right,
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: Oh my god, we need people like you. You're doing
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: God's work. Absolutely. I had actually thought about that prior
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: to securing the job that I'm not leaving. I had
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: thought about initially going back to school and training to
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: be a therapist, and then it was kind of the
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: going back to school aspect that sort of scared me
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: because then you're in more debt, right, well, yeah, exactly, yeah,
• 44:27
  Speaker 1: and it's yeah, So I wouldn't really that out either.
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: I would love to get involved that kind of work
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: on the therapeutic side. As I mentioned, I'm on the
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: administrative side currently, but you know, the training and qualifications
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: that are needed, I would certainly be willing to do it.
• 44:39
  Speaker 1: It's just the time and the expense as well. That's
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: what kind of holding me back a little bit at
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: the moment. I don't think you should quit cold Turkey
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: because you just said it yourself that it's given you
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: this kind of confidence that you're helping people. There's very
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: few of people like you in the world that actually
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: get fulfillment from helping other people, and so don't quit completely.
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't because you need it as much as they
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: need it. So if you could even on a Sunday,
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: you know, like you're gonna have a day off. I
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: was a bartender and a waitress, so you're definitely a
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: day off. You have a day off, and I know
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: it's not the most fun thing to have to work
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: on your day off, but it feeds you. It seems
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: to feed your soul, and so you I don't think
• 45:20
  Speaker 1: you should shut that door. And I think that ultimately
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: you should start talking to people and finding out how
• 45:25
  Speaker 1: you can get the training somehow where you can still
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: work and not end up being in debt, so that
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: you can do this for a living. I agree with that,
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: and I think there are different tiers of counseling. Right.
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: Sometimes you have to get certified, there's an mfc C.
• 45:41
  Speaker 1: Sometimes you have to go to school for two years. Obviously,
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: you're not gonna want to devote from what I can
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: tell so far. You don't want to go to school
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: and then get your masters and then become a psychiatrist.
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: That's a longer journey. But there are many other tiers
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: of helping people and becoming a counselor that are achievable
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: even without extra cash. You know, there are grants that
• 45:59
  Speaker 1: you can apply for. You can help put yourself through
• 46:02
  Speaker 1: school so that you don't end up being in debt.
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: You know, you can go to a community college program
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: and get the certification you need to become a counselor
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: to work for you know, there are so many different
• 46:12
  Speaker 1: kind of I'm not well schooled or versed in all
• 46:15
  Speaker 1: of these different therapy programs, but I know a friend
• 46:18
  Speaker 1: of mine that went for two years and as now
• 46:20
  Speaker 1: a counselor, so you know there are different You just
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: have to do the research and actually find out what
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: can work for you because something that is contributing a
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: you're helping people and that's never wrong. That's always just
• 46:31
  Speaker 1: a great direction to head in and you're helping yourself.
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: So you have to like have a little faith in
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: the process and not be overwhelmed by the commitment moving
• 46:41
  Speaker 1: into it, you know, and start asking the people you're
• 46:44
  Speaker 1: working with who work there too, like what would you
• 46:46
  Speaker 1: do if you wanted to ultimately go to school? But
• 46:49
  Speaker 1: I can't because you know, who do you know? And
• 46:51
  Speaker 1: who should I talk to? It's it's something I was
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: always afraid to ask for help. I thought I had
• 46:56
  Speaker 1: to do everything on my own. And man, I love
• 47:00
  Speaker 1: not being scared of asking for help anymore. It's changed
• 47:03
  Speaker 1: my life. Yeah, you've got to ask the people around
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: you what would you do if you I always say
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: that to everybody, to doctor, what would you do if
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: you were me? How would you do it? And you
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: just get a different perspective. That's so true as well.
• 47:16
  Speaker 1: And you've actually highlighted something from me that I haven't
• 47:18
  Speaker 1: considered before, which is my need to be independent and think, no,
• 47:21
  Speaker 1: I can do this alone, I don't need help, I
• 47:22
  Speaker 1: don't need support has probably exacerbated the situation that I'm
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: now in so definitely, and I'm actually not short on
• 47:30
  Speaker 1: contacts and resources and people that I'm sure can help
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: me get along to use use them. It just takes
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: one person to say the one thing you need to
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: hear to get you on your journey. Literally one person. Yeah,
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: the more forthcoming you are too, people, you know, like
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: you'd be surprised how many people really take pride in
• 47:48
  Speaker 1: helping other people. You know you're not being you know,
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: the people who aren't there or aren't available for that
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: will let you know that they're not available for that,
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: but you it just like Julianna just said, it takes
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: one person to kind of help steer you in the
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: right direction or help aid you and finding out the
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: right information you need to proceed with a program or
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: to sign up for a program, or to go to
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: night school, or to fit it in around your bartending hours.
• 48:10
  Speaker 1: You know, at least then you know that you're bartendering
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: as a means to an end. It's not just interminable
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: and probably now because of you know, The silver lining
• 48:18
  Speaker 1: of COVID is there's probably so many online courses you
• 48:21
  Speaker 1: could do that you can do from your your bed
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: on your computer when you get home from work. Yeah,
• 48:28
  Speaker 1: and do it in your own time, and it might
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: take you five years. You're thirty three, you're so young.
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: I know you don't think that, but you are. You're
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: really young. So it takes you ten years at forty three,
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: where you'll still be so young. You'll be a fully
• 48:42
  Speaker 1: licensed therapist and can go about your life the way
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: you want to live it. Don't pressure yourself about time. Yeah,
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: that's so true. Not everything is to be immediate and instantaneous,
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: and now we want it right away, and it's scary.
• 48:55
  Speaker 1: And trust me, you're obviously smart enough to know that
• 48:58
  Speaker 1: you better start paying back all the debt you oh
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: on your credit cards six thousand dollars. I'm so glad
• 49:04
  Speaker 1: you said that. In not you know what I mean. Yeah,
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: it could be a lot worse. You're in the bud
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: so you have a right and to speak a little
• 49:14
  Speaker 1: bit to the self esteem issue. Now. I read a
• 49:17
  Speaker 1: lot of emails, and in two years of reading these emails,
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: this is one of the most beautiful emails I've read
• 49:24
  Speaker 1: it's really beautiful. You have skills with communication that are
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: far above average, and so wherever you land, whether it's
• 49:32
  Speaker 1: back with the same nonprofit or somewhere else, you are
• 49:36
  Speaker 1: able to communicate in a way that any employer would value.
• 49:40
  Speaker 1: So don't sell yourself short. I think wherever you land,
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: you're going to do really, really well. And with that accent,
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: my god, right, Yeah, it's a weird win situation. Send
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: alone will get you in the door. Hopefully we're at
• 49:54
  Speaker 1: the shot. It's worth the shot. I'll talk all day. Yeah,
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: and just remember you know, intentionally your intentions are good
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: when everything is aligned and you're kind of following your
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: purpose in your life. And this really sounds like it's
• 50:06
  Speaker 1: going to be your purpose. Things aligned for you more
• 50:08
  Speaker 1: easily than you think. Like, So, you're in a situation
• 50:11
  Speaker 1: right now, and if you take the steps to get
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: yourself on the road to becoming a counselor to becoming
• 50:17
  Speaker 1: some sort of therapist, and you figure out, Okay, how
• 50:20
  Speaker 1: am I going to do this and how am I
• 50:21
  Speaker 1: going to achieve this and set up a plan, things
• 50:23
  Speaker 1: are going to happen for you that you didn't see coming,
• 50:25
  Speaker 1: and things people will come into your life that will
• 50:27
  Speaker 1: help assist that and will help make it happen for you,
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: because there becomes like a magnetic attraction. You know, when
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: your intention is clear and you're doing a good and
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: you're doing good work, things will start to open up
• 50:38
  Speaker 1: for you. So you have to believe in that. Yeah, absolutely,
• 50:41
  Speaker 1: that's so true. I recently find out tree therapy as
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: well that I'm addicted to negative thinking, so I'm trying
• 50:47
  Speaker 1: to work in all of that as well, so again
• 50:49
  Speaker 1: reframing it and instead being optimistic and positive and open
• 50:53
  Speaker 1: to risks and you know, taking a gamble and opportunities,
• 50:56
  Speaker 1: which I'm so allergic and cautious to you right now,
• 50:59
  Speaker 1: and I don't really know why because it's obviously not
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: working very well for me, but you'll never know unless
• 51:03
  Speaker 1: you try, right exactly. Yeah, yeah, no regrets, don't have regrets.
• 51:08
  Speaker 1: And the antidote to negative thinking is to be listening
• 51:10
  Speaker 1: to someone else, you know, which is what your goal is.
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: That takes you out of your own head and your
• 51:16
  Speaker 1: own ass and then you you don't have time to
• 51:18
  Speaker 1: be thinking negatively when you're talking to other people listening
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: to their problems, you know. So yeah, I think that
• 51:24
  Speaker 1: you know exactly what you should do and what steps
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: you should take moving forward, just to get yourself, you know,
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: in the mode of having a plan and having a
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: time frame so you're not freaking out and living in
• 51:33
  Speaker 1: this kind of fearful situation or position or thinking absolutely, well,
• 51:39
  Speaker 1: now I want you to get your act together and
• 51:42
  Speaker 1: then follow back up with us and make and let
• 51:44
  Speaker 1: us know when you do have something going on and
• 51:46
  Speaker 1: you have enrolled yourself into a program and what your
• 51:49
  Speaker 1: game plan is, because I think that's going to add
• 51:51
  Speaker 1: to your self esteem a lot too. I absolutely will. Yeah,
• 51:55
  Speaker 1: thank you. You know, I don't have too many good
• 51:57
  Speaker 1: ideas when I drink, but I was having a couple
• 51:59
  Speaker 1: of glasses of one the other night because I was
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: so depressed after knowing that I'd behind my noticing, and
• 52:03
  Speaker 1: I was like, I'm going to write into Chelsea, that's
• 52:05
  Speaker 1: a good idea. I did, And look at that quick
• 52:09
  Speaker 1: turn around. You wrote this email after a couple of drinks.
• 52:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah exactly. Yeah, so there we go reframing it and
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: thinking more positively. Yeah for the advice and encouragement this
• 52:19
  Speaker 1: has been. You're the cutest nile. Good luck with everything. Fine, Yes,
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: I have no doubt you're gonna be great. Thank you, guys,
• 52:26
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Take care than have a great day.
• 52:30
  Speaker 1: Up top, sister, up top. That was great. That was awesome.
• 52:36
  Speaker 1: I wasn't he just wonderful? He was so sweet and adorable. Yeah,
• 52:41
  Speaker 1: it's so nice to see a man caring so much
• 52:43
  Speaker 1: and not like that. Men don't care, but sometimes it
• 52:45
  Speaker 1: feels like they really don't. It's so nice to hear
• 52:47
  Speaker 1: men being so thoughtful about things. Yeah, and having that
• 52:51
  Speaker 1: he's a softie, like there was something so open about
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: his heart. Yeah. Yeah, God, when we do need more
• 52:58
  Speaker 1: people like him? Yeah, right, exactly. Remember when in the
• 53:01
  Speaker 1: days where we had people would support artists, you know,
• 53:04
  Speaker 1: the rich people. Where are those people they're supposed to
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: support all these people that make the world better in
• 53:11
  Speaker 1: art and music and struggling musicians and therapists. We need
• 53:15
  Speaker 1: those back. We need to start a mentor program. Well, yeah,
• 53:18
  Speaker 1: we need people like Elon Musk to stop spending their
• 53:21
  Speaker 1: money on shuttlecocks and spending it on actually making the
• 53:23
  Speaker 1: world a better place. So we'll start with that, Okay, Catherine,
• 53:33
  Speaker 1: who do we have next? Next? We have Taylor? Taylor,
• 53:36
  Speaker 1: says dear Chelsea. My entire adult relationship with my little
• 53:40
  Speaker 1: sister has revolved around being there for her while she
• 53:42
  Speaker 1: struggled with mental health, bouts of substance abuse, and an
• 53:46
  Speaker 1: abusive relationship. She's twenty two and Taylor, by the ways.
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: I was the one who showed up when it got
• 53:52
  Speaker 1: ugly between her and her boyfriend, and answered countless times
• 53:55
  Speaker 1: when she called intoxicated and crying. Last year, she and
• 53:59
  Speaker 1: her boyfriend finally separated. My family and I were hopeful
• 54:03
  Speaker 1: that she would move on and recover, But before he
• 54:05
  Speaker 1: even moved out, my sister had already found a new guy.
• 54:08
  Speaker 1: Six months later, she's now living with him, and our
• 54:11
  Speaker 1: relationship has ceased to exist. I can't tell if she
• 54:14
  Speaker 1: has shunned me to avoid my disapproval or if she
• 54:17
  Speaker 1: just doesn't need me to help pick up the pieces anymore.
• 54:20
  Speaker 1: Either way, I feel angry at her for what she
• 54:22
  Speaker 1: put me through, especially now that it feels like I've
• 54:25
  Speaker 1: lost her. I missed my sister, but I have no
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: idea how to build a relationship with her, given the
• 54:29
  Speaker 1: shaky foundation it was built on in the first place.
• 54:32
  Speaker 1: I know you're very close with your sisters, How can
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: I put my feelings aside? And make my way back
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: into her life. Taylor, Hi, Taylor, Hi, Hi, Hi. We
• 54:43
  Speaker 1: have Julianna margu Lis with us today to see you both.
• 54:48
  Speaker 1: You too, nice to see you. It sounds like you
• 54:51
  Speaker 1: really love your sissy. Yes, I definitely miss her. Okay,
• 54:56
  Speaker 1: So explain to me what happened where the break was.
• 54:59
  Speaker 1: So after my sister broke up with her boyfriend, she
• 55:04
  Speaker 1: immediately started dating someone new and I found out through
• 55:07
  Speaker 1: hearsay in the family because she was a little too
• 55:11
  Speaker 1: I guess scared to tell me. And that's sort of
• 55:14
  Speaker 1: where the rift came. Can I just ask you something
• 55:17
  Speaker 1: when when she was going through this breakup with the boyfriend,
• 55:20
  Speaker 1: was she a mess on? Were you picking her up
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: off the floor? Was she despondent? Yeah? It was bad.
• 55:26
  Speaker 1: It was bad, and you you were there for her. Yes. Yeah,
• 55:31
  Speaker 1: they had like their last fight and I had showed
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: up and it was very dramatic. And then a couple
• 55:36
  Speaker 1: of weeks that went by, I'd check in with her
• 55:38
  Speaker 1: and I had heard through the grapevine, but she already
• 55:42
  Speaker 1: had a new boyfriend and that her boyfriend was moving out.
• 55:44
  Speaker 1: And you haven't spoken to her since that. Last time
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: I have spoken to her. I saw her at Christmas
• 55:50
  Speaker 1: and it was just like very she was just very standoffish,
• 55:54
  Speaker 1: and I tried to express my concern. And I'm a
• 55:56
  Speaker 1: little angry at her obviously for not telling herself, and
• 56:01
  Speaker 1: so I haven't really reached out since. And so, yeah,
• 56:07
  Speaker 1: well let me ask you one question. You said she
• 56:08
  Speaker 1: drinks a lot, right, Does she use drugs too? She
• 56:11
  Speaker 1: smokes spot, okay, but she doesn't do anything heavier like
• 56:15
  Speaker 1: cocaine or ecstasy or any of that stuff, right, Okay,
• 56:19
  Speaker 1: So it just sounds like she feels a little shame, right,
• 56:22
  Speaker 1: she's embarrassed for being in this relationship, because why else
• 56:25
  Speaker 1: would she retreat from you when you've been there for
• 56:27
  Speaker 1: her this whole time unless she feels a little bit
• 56:29
  Speaker 1: embarrassed by her own behavior. Yeah, it's it's it's shame
• 56:34
  Speaker 1: she didn't have the balls to tell you. And also
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: she probably knows she's wrong. You don't you don't take
• 56:39
  Speaker 1: up with someone else right after you, you know, that's
• 56:42
  Speaker 1: that's her being afraid to be alone and get her
• 56:45
  Speaker 1: life together, and she knows you probably can see that.
• 56:49
  Speaker 1: I'm just sad that it came at like the cost
• 56:51
  Speaker 1: of me, right, Well, I mean I think there's a
• 56:55
  Speaker 1: couple of ways you can handle this. I mean, either
• 56:57
  Speaker 1: you can put it in an email, or you can
• 56:58
  Speaker 1: sit down with her and talk to her. I mean
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: I always like an email better because obviously emotions a
• 57:03
  Speaker 1: run high in person, and then sometimes you can be
• 57:05
  Speaker 1: reactive when in an email you can just kind of
• 57:08
  Speaker 1: put everything down and edit it and look at it
• 57:10
  Speaker 1: a million times before you feel like sending it, and
• 57:11
  Speaker 1: then sometimes never send it. But in this case, it
• 57:14
  Speaker 1: sounds like you know it's your sister for life. I'm
• 57:16
  Speaker 1: sure you're gonna want to send something to her and
• 57:18
  Speaker 1: and kind of repair whatever, not repair, but I guess salvage, Yeah,
• 57:24
  Speaker 1: salvage your relationship so that you have one. But there's
• 57:27
  Speaker 1: really no harm in reminding her of like the role
• 57:30
  Speaker 1: that you've played, you know, and how important that role
• 57:33
  Speaker 1: is to you, and that how important she is to you.
• 57:36
  Speaker 1: You are her bigger sister, right, you're twenty five and
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: she's twenty two. Yeah, correct, Right. Those relationships can be
• 57:43
  Speaker 1: fraught and they can be dramatic. My sisters certainly have
• 57:46
  Speaker 1: bailed me out a million times in my life. I've
• 57:49
  Speaker 1: been horrible when I was a teenager and a young adult.
• 57:52
  Speaker 1: I was a nightmare and they put up with it
• 57:55
  Speaker 1: and they loved me just the same. And so I
• 57:57
  Speaker 1: can really relate to your love for your sister because
• 58:00
  Speaker 1: she just seems like she's going through a pretty selfish
• 58:02
  Speaker 1: time in her life. And some people can be really
• 58:04
  Speaker 1: self absorber. Doesn't mean they're going to be that way forever.
• 58:07
  Speaker 1: I'm not like that anymore. I always always think of
• 58:10
  Speaker 1: my sisters before I think of myself, just because of
• 58:12
  Speaker 1: all the stuff that I had. They had to endure
• 58:15
  Speaker 1: uh from me, and they still loved me. But maybe
• 58:19
  Speaker 1: she feels like you're judging. You know, she feels judged
• 58:22
  Speaker 1: by you, and you have every right to feel that
• 58:24
  Speaker 1: way about her. You're gonna have judgment, of course, but
• 58:27
  Speaker 1: beneath all of that is just love and sisterhood and
• 58:30
  Speaker 1: you're from the same family and that's never gonna go away.
• 58:33
  Speaker 1: So it's important for you to remind her that no
• 58:36
  Speaker 1: matter what happens, you're her sister and you love her.
• 58:39
  Speaker 1: That's above and beyond everything else, and that you always
• 58:42
  Speaker 1: want a relationship with her, and that you never know
• 58:44
  Speaker 1: what can happen in life, and you would hate for
• 58:47
  Speaker 1: anything terrible to happen. While the two of you aren't speaking,
• 58:50
  Speaker 1: so it's so important to keep the communication open. You know,
• 58:54
  Speaker 1: first and foremost is to remind her, Julianna, what do
• 58:57
  Speaker 1: you think about that? I think you hit the nail
• 59:00
  Speaker 1: on the head when you said write it down. I
• 59:02
  Speaker 1: personally would write a letter, not an email, because I
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: think there's something to be said about the weight of
• 59:08
  Speaker 1: having to open up snail mail and having it, you know,
• 59:11
  Speaker 1: emails disappear, or they go to the junk box where
• 59:14
  Speaker 1: she can pretend she never got it, or but you
• 59:16
  Speaker 1: type it up on your computer and save it for
• 59:19
  Speaker 1: yourself and print it out. Once you start writing things down,
• 59:23
  Speaker 1: things become much more clear. But I also know from
• 59:27
  Speaker 1: family members of my own being heavy drinkers, they tend
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: to see things negatively and as judgment. So I would
• 59:35
  Speaker 1: start the letter by saying, what exactly what you said
• 59:38
  Speaker 1: to us I miss you, because I think the second
• 59:42
  Speaker 1: you say how you're really feeling, she won't see it
• 59:46
  Speaker 1: as judgment. She'll see it as you reaching out. And
• 59:48
  Speaker 1: and I know if I had gotten a letter from
• 59:51
  Speaker 1: my sister that said I miss you and I'm worried
• 59:53
  Speaker 1: about you, and I want you to know that you're
• 59:56
  Speaker 1: a big part of my life, and I understand, and
• 1:00:00
  Speaker 1: you have another boyfriend, that doesn't mean you have to
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 1: check out on me. I'm not here to judge you.
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 1: This is your life. But remember I'm here and I
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 1: love you and I want you to be okay. You know,
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 1: it goes both ways to like I want to say,
• 1:00:14
  Speaker 1: you're also not her punching bag, right because because family,
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 1: you know, just because your family, you're supposed to be
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 1: there all the time, and then when they're horrible to you,
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 1: you're supposed to take it. You're not, and you you
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 1: don't have to. You can get up and say, Okay,
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 1: if if this all goes wrong and she starts lashing
• 1:00:32
  Speaker 1: out at you, you're then going to just have to
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 1: take the power back and say I'll be back in
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 1: your life when you want to treat me with respect
• 1:00:39
  Speaker 1: and love the way I love you, And you're going
• 1:00:42
  Speaker 1: to have to make that choice. Yeah, that kind of
• 1:00:45
  Speaker 1: goes to what Chelsea was saying, like, hopefully this is
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 1: just like a short time in her life where she's
• 1:00:51
  Speaker 1: you know, having a selfish time, and I want to
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 1: definitely approach the communication in a loving way. And I
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 1: think that's probably been my mistake in the past and
• 1:00:59
  Speaker 1: why she has reacted this way because she knows that
• 1:01:02
  Speaker 1: I come from this like big sister dynamic of like
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 1: what are you doing? You know? Or I told you so,
• 1:01:08
  Speaker 1: or yeah you don't the second you wave your finger.
• 1:01:11
  Speaker 1: But if you come at them with love, where does
• 1:01:13
  Speaker 1: she have to go? She can't really go anywhere else. Right,
• 1:01:18
  Speaker 1: do you know anything about her new boyfriend? Is he
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 1: good influence or anything negative or positive? From what my
• 1:01:25
  Speaker 1: family said, he's very similar to her last boyfriend and
• 1:01:28
  Speaker 1: so not. Everyone was very excited to hear that news. Okay, Well,
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 1: then then you want to leave your judgment out of
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 1: that as well, because that's another thing that's just going
• 1:01:36
  Speaker 1: to push her away. If she feels any sort of
• 1:01:39
  Speaker 1: judgment on the relationship. You could say, I miss you,
• 1:01:42
  Speaker 1: I don't even I would love to get to know
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 1: your new boyfriend. However, you want to spend time together.
• 1:01:47
  Speaker 1: Like if you don't want to spend time alone and
• 1:01:48
  Speaker 1: you want to spend time with your boyfriend, he's welcome
• 1:01:50
  Speaker 1: to just make it an open, open invitation to her
• 1:01:53
  Speaker 1: so that there is no defense to put up right,
• 1:01:57
  Speaker 1: so she doesn't have to protect herself from anything. And yeah,
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 1: starting with I miss you and I love you, instead
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 1: of laying it all out. I think getting reconnecting with
• 1:02:05
  Speaker 1: her first and getting her as your confidant again and
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 1: being close to her is the best move in order
• 1:02:13
  Speaker 1: just to keep her close so that she knows she
• 1:02:15
  Speaker 1: can trust you and that whatever happens, you'll still be there.
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 1: Is it just the two of you? We have one
• 1:02:21
  Speaker 1: older brother. You have an older brother. Are you close
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 1: with him? Yeah? I'm really close with him. Here's my suggestion,
• 1:02:27
  Speaker 1: because Chelsea, now we're just talking before the podcast, like
• 1:02:30
  Speaker 1: nobody knows you and your family, like your siblings. It
• 1:02:34
  Speaker 1: would be really great if you could um have him
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 1: read the letter before you send it, because he'll see
• 1:02:40
  Speaker 1: things in it. You know, you don't want any judgmental
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 1: or negativity in the letter, and you may only be
• 1:02:45
  Speaker 1: meaning it from your heart, but might come out harsh
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 1: when another person reads it. So I highly suggest you
• 1:02:49
  Speaker 1: asked your brother to read it before you put it
• 1:02:52
  Speaker 1: in the envelope and send it. Also, it's nice to
• 1:02:55
  Speaker 1: have someone in your corner, you know, for you to
• 1:02:58
  Speaker 1: say to him, I'm just know you're hurt. Obviously, otherwise
• 1:03:01
  Speaker 1: you wouldn't have called in. I can see that you're hurt,
• 1:03:03
  Speaker 1: but that but that it's so touching that you miss
• 1:03:06
  Speaker 1: your little sister and love her. So come from that place.
• 1:03:10
  Speaker 1: And then if she chooses, it's her choice. She's also
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 1: is really young, she's twenty two. But if she and
• 1:03:16
  Speaker 1: she's and she's self medicating with alcohol, right, So if
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 1: she chooses to ignore it, then you've done your part
• 1:03:22
  Speaker 1: and then you have to work on how to let
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 1: go just for a while, probably not forever. You're right.
• 1:03:30
  Speaker 1: I like the idea of having my brother Rita for sure,
• 1:03:33
  Speaker 1: because if yeah, you can talk anything that it's coming
• 1:03:37
  Speaker 1: off not how I wanted to come on, And he
• 1:03:39
  Speaker 1: knows her, so he knows probably how she'll react to something.
• 1:03:42
  Speaker 1: So it'll be helpful to have another set of eyes
• 1:03:45
  Speaker 1: on that for you to feel confident when you send
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 1: it that you sent the right message. Yeah, I love that. Good. Yeah, well, Taylor,
• 1:03:54
  Speaker 1: let us know how it goes and if your sister
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 1: responds or what happens with that, Okay, I will for sure.
• 1:04:01
  Speaker 1: Thank you well so much. So you're welcome, Taylor. Good
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 1: luck with everything, good luck, thank you bye bye. Oh
• 1:04:09
  Speaker 1: what a cutie. That's a good advice to have her
• 1:04:11
  Speaker 1: brother look at it. Yeah, we have that going on
• 1:04:13
  Speaker 1: in our family all the time because we have so
• 1:04:15
  Speaker 1: many kids. And whenever, whenever anyone has to have a
• 1:04:19
  Speaker 1: talk with anyone, I always am volunteering because I have
• 1:04:22
  Speaker 1: no problem with confrontation, and my sister Simone will always
• 1:04:26
  Speaker 1: step in and go, no, no, let me do it.
• 1:04:27
  Speaker 1: I'll do it. And then finally I've learned that when
• 1:04:30
  Speaker 1: I say things, it can come across in a much
• 1:04:32
  Speaker 1: different way than if a regular, normal, calmer person says them.
• 1:04:35
  Speaker 1: So I'll say to my sister, I'll assign her a
• 1:04:38
  Speaker 1: role and say, hey, you need to talk to Roy
• 1:04:40
  Speaker 1: about this, and she'll be like okay, okay. And then
• 1:04:43
  Speaker 1: a month goes by and I'll go, hey, did you
• 1:04:46
  Speaker 1: talk to Roy? And she's like ah, And I go, well,
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 1: don't tell me not to confront to everybody if you're
• 1:04:52
  Speaker 1: not going to pick up the pieces, and she's like,
• 1:04:54
  Speaker 1: I know, I know, I just couldn't get around to it.
• 1:04:56
  Speaker 1: She's like, I didn't have it in me. So we
• 1:04:59
  Speaker 1: some people have a real hard time with having those
• 1:05:01
  Speaker 1: difficult conversations. They're hard, Yeah, right, they're hard, and it
• 1:05:05
  Speaker 1: takes it does take a village. And yeah, because you
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 1: have to. You have to consider how what you're saying
• 1:05:10
  Speaker 1: is going to be received, not just saying it. That
• 1:05:12
  Speaker 1: was my mistake for a while, just saying it and
• 1:05:14
  Speaker 1: putting it out there, and it's like, that doesn't work.
• 1:05:16
  Speaker 1: You have to consider the other person and where they're
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 1: coming from and how they are going to take that
• 1:05:20
  Speaker 1: information in. You wrote that beautifully in your book. Oh
• 1:05:23
  Speaker 1: thank you. It's great because I don't think people really
• 1:05:26
  Speaker 1: think that way. And it takes you also out of
• 1:05:29
  Speaker 1: yourself for how you're going to respond to somebody. You know,
• 1:05:31
  Speaker 1: why did that upset me? Oh maybe they didn't mean
• 1:05:34
  Speaker 1: it like that, you know, just because we're so quick
• 1:05:37
  Speaker 1: to jump to conclusions and and and to anger. Yeah,
• 1:05:41
  Speaker 1: and it's just not a healthy place to live. No,
• 1:05:44
  Speaker 1: it's not my Dan. My psychiatrist always says, you know,
• 1:05:48
  Speaker 1: like any time you're in a state of reactivity, like
• 1:05:50
  Speaker 1: there's no point in even communicating because you're not ever
• 1:05:52
  Speaker 1: going to solve anything. You have to take your reaction
• 1:05:56
  Speaker 1: and then take ten minutes and then there's your response.
• 1:05:59
  Speaker 1: That was freaky, by the way, because I was so
• 1:06:00
  Speaker 1: invested in your relationship with Dan, and I loved your
• 1:06:03
  Speaker 1: sessions with him. That I in my head, I knew
• 1:06:08
  Speaker 1: what he sounded like. And then who was on the
• 1:06:10
  Speaker 1: podcast and was walking through Washington script Prok was like, Oh,
• 1:06:14
  Speaker 1: this is Dan. I didn't think like that took me out.
• 1:06:18
  Speaker 1: That's yeah, I know. Dan's the best. He's so smart. Yeah,
• 1:06:23
  Speaker 1: Joe and I have gone two couples counseling, like twice
• 1:06:26
  Speaker 1: with Dan and Joe because Joe hasn't had that kind
• 1:06:29
  Speaker 1: of counseling. And like, you know, as a relationship, we
• 1:06:32
  Speaker 1: all have our own histories. You can trigger something and
• 1:06:35
  Speaker 1: someone when you're not doing anything, you know, or you
• 1:06:37
  Speaker 1: think you're not doing anything. And so we went into
• 1:06:39
  Speaker 1: Dan once and we did like a two hour session
• 1:06:42
  Speaker 1: of just explaining to us how emotions work and how
• 1:06:45
  Speaker 1: every memory is imprinted in our body from childhood and
• 1:06:48
  Speaker 1: that things that were traumatizing, even though they don't resemble
• 1:06:51
  Speaker 1: what's happening right now, it is bringing up a very
• 1:06:54
  Speaker 1: instance from your childhood. And Joe must have said the
• 1:06:57
  Speaker 1: same five things I said in our first session, first
• 1:07:00
  Speaker 1: session with Dan, which is my childhood has nothing to
• 1:07:02
  Speaker 1: do with this, and it's like, no, no, that's everyone's mistake.
• 1:07:05
  Speaker 1: That's exactly what I said. I I don't want to
• 1:07:07
  Speaker 1: talk about my childhood, my mother's dad, my brother's dad,
• 1:07:09
  Speaker 1: not first. Yeah, like I'm walking around with a broken
• 1:07:12
  Speaker 1: leg and thinking it's going to fix itself. So it
• 1:07:15
  Speaker 1: is interesting to get he laid the foundation I left that.
• 1:07:17
  Speaker 1: I left our session that day and I was like,
• 1:07:20
  Speaker 1: oh my god, I feel like I just got like
• 1:07:21
  Speaker 1: psychology one oh one. I could listen to that ship
• 1:07:23
  Speaker 1: for hours. It's so fascinating it. I mean, that's what
• 1:07:28
  Speaker 1: I was going to do if acting didn't pan out,
• 1:07:29
  Speaker 1: because it's it's it's behavior. It's what I do for
• 1:07:31
  Speaker 1: a living, right, I watch people's behavior and what makes
• 1:07:35
  Speaker 1: them tick. What why do you act that way? And
• 1:07:37
  Speaker 1: you act that way? It's all about the childhood, man,
• 1:07:40
  Speaker 1: I know, I know, but look how nicely you've turned
• 1:07:43
  Speaker 1: out with your childhood and being so unmoored. You know,
• 1:07:46
  Speaker 1: look how nicely you turned out. That's like that's a
• 1:07:48
  Speaker 1: huge victory lap. Yeah, thank god. I mean, I also
• 1:07:53
  Speaker 1: think I got really lucky in that both of my
• 1:07:56
  Speaker 1: parents were open to hearing it and to fessing up.
• 1:08:00
  Speaker 1: I think parents of their generation they're not all there
• 1:08:03
  Speaker 1: yet because and I know it's hard to confront your parents,
• 1:08:06
  Speaker 1: especially when when they're older. But they both were receptive
• 1:08:10
  Speaker 1: and well, and they both really loved you. They just
• 1:08:12
  Speaker 1: had their own issues. And that's the same thing with
• 1:08:14
  Speaker 1: my family. I was very loved, even though I was
• 1:08:16
  Speaker 1: neglected by my parents, you know, not being picked up
• 1:08:19
  Speaker 1: from Hebrew school fifteen times in a row. I'm like, listen, assholes,
• 1:08:22
  Speaker 1: if you're gonna make me go to Hebrew school, you
• 1:08:24
  Speaker 1: need to pick my ass up. You think I want
• 1:08:26
  Speaker 1: to go to Hebrew school and learn Hebrew, Like, I'm
• 1:08:28
  Speaker 1: not down with that at all. So yeah, and I
• 1:08:32
  Speaker 1: remember Dan saying, oh god, your parents are's so traumatizing
• 1:08:35
  Speaker 1: not being picked up from school. I'm like, damn, none
• 1:08:37
  Speaker 1: of us were picked up from school and we're all fine.
• 1:08:39
  Speaker 1: He goes, no, that's that's abandonment. And I'm like, well
• 1:08:43
  Speaker 1: that seems dramatic. And then you come around to the
• 1:08:45
  Speaker 1: notion You're like, that was abandonment. Well, yeah, and you
• 1:08:48
  Speaker 1: remember those things. So many people kept asking me how
• 1:08:50
  Speaker 1: did you remember all these things in the book, because
• 1:08:52
  Speaker 1: you're write so clearly about them, and like, you remember,
• 1:08:56
  Speaker 1: I remember being five years old and my mother, my
• 1:08:59
  Speaker 1: mother dropped me off to kindergarten, which was up this
• 1:09:02
  Speaker 1: big hill and my sisters went to the school. I
• 1:09:04
  Speaker 1: could see it from the top of the hill, and
• 1:09:06
  Speaker 1: I walked my little five year old self walked up
• 1:09:08
  Speaker 1: and we didn't have kindergarten that day, and my motherhood
• 1:09:12
  Speaker 1: drove away and went to work, and I just sat there.
• 1:09:17
  Speaker 1: And I remember it clear as day, because you remember trauma,
• 1:09:21
  Speaker 1: you don't remember everyday normalcy. Yeah, And I remember sitting
• 1:09:25
  Speaker 1: there and thinking, should I walk down the hill and
• 1:09:27
  Speaker 1: tells an adult? And I just sat there till three
• 1:09:30
  Speaker 1: pm until she came to pick me up. And this
• 1:09:33
  Speaker 1: was before phones everybody, okay, So she sat there doing
• 1:09:36
  Speaker 1: fucking nothing. For that reminds me of my sister. My sister,
• 1:09:40
  Speaker 1: for two weeks went to school with my three brothers.
• 1:09:43
  Speaker 1: They were going to the elementary school. They were all
• 1:09:45
  Speaker 1: a year apart. My sister started going with them, and
• 1:09:48
  Speaker 1: after two weeks the school called my mother and they're like,
• 1:09:51
  Speaker 1: your daughter is four. She can't be in school with
• 1:09:55
  Speaker 1: your with your sons. And my mom was like, oh,
• 1:09:58
  Speaker 1: she can't. It's like what, But that's like my mom.
• 1:10:01
  Speaker 1: She never even told us in school, she just dropped us. Yeah,
• 1:10:03
  Speaker 1: that's a funny story. I mean, oh, my God and
• 1:10:05
  Speaker 1: they and then you basically picked your classroom. You're like,
• 1:10:09
  Speaker 1: I guess I'll be in this. I guess I'll be
• 1:10:11
  Speaker 1: in A six or whatever it was six A Okay, Catherine,
• 1:10:19
  Speaker 1: what do we have? I love this? Our last question
• 1:10:22
  Speaker 1: comes from Renee Dear Chelsea. She's not this one's just
• 1:10:27
  Speaker 1: an email. She's in Australia, so the timing is a
• 1:10:29
  Speaker 1: little Yes, that's good, right. I shouldn't have you read this.
• 1:10:37
  Speaker 1: I'm a thirty three year I'm a thirty three year
• 1:10:42
  Speaker 1: old primary school teacher from Melbourne. Your podcast was my
• 1:10:45
  Speaker 1: saving grace through lockdown and it helped me realize my worth,
• 1:10:48
  Speaker 1: strength and independence. For that, I'm incredibly grateful. I have
• 1:10:52
  Speaker 1: an incredible boyfriend who have been with for five years.
• 1:10:54
  Speaker 1: This October we plan on rock climbing around the world
• 1:10:57
  Speaker 1: for two years starting this December. There's just one problem.
• 1:11:01
  Speaker 1: I've dreamed about getting married since I was six years old,
• 1:11:05
  Speaker 1: and it means nothing to him. My parents have been
• 1:11:07
  Speaker 1: happily married for forty seven years. His separated when he
• 1:11:11
  Speaker 1: was eighteen. Here's some of our history. He broke up
• 1:11:14
  Speaker 1: with me a week after we first got together because
• 1:11:17
  Speaker 1: he panicked and thought he was making a big mistake.
• 1:11:19
  Speaker 1: I was the first person in over ten years he's
• 1:11:22
  Speaker 1: been in a relationship with. He always tells me he
• 1:11:24
  Speaker 1: adores me and wants to spend the rest of his
• 1:11:27
  Speaker 1: life with me. It happened again on our fourth anniversary
• 1:11:30
  Speaker 1: last year, when I jokingly asked him if he'd ever
• 1:11:33
  Speaker 1: want to marry me quote one day, he paused and
• 1:11:36
  Speaker 1: said he doesn't believe in it. Three days later, he
• 1:11:38
  Speaker 1: broke up with me, saying we were two different and
• 1:11:41
  Speaker 1: we wanted different things. Over the next two days, we
• 1:11:44
  Speaker 1: had the best conversations as we cried together each time
• 1:11:47
  Speaker 1: he felt he was making a big mistake by ending it.
• 1:11:50
  Speaker 1: He apologized, and two days later we were back on.
• 1:11:53
  Speaker 1: He said he'd think about marriage and he still wants
• 1:11:56
  Speaker 1: to spend the rest of his life with me. Over
• 1:11:58
  Speaker 1: six months have passed, and there are times when I
• 1:12:00
  Speaker 1: fall asleep crying because I feel so heartbroken that he
• 1:12:03
  Speaker 1: doesn't feel the same about this form of commitment. There's
• 1:12:07
  Speaker 1: no doubt that he adores me and means everything he says.
• 1:12:10
  Speaker 1: He also assures me that he's not going to break
• 1:12:12
  Speaker 1: up with me again when he panics. I also don't
• 1:12:15
  Speaker 1: want him to marry me one day just to shut
• 1:12:17
  Speaker 1: me up. I'm incredibly flexible in our relationship and committed
• 1:12:20
  Speaker 1: to making him happy. I always wanted kids and to
• 1:12:23
  Speaker 1: get married. Kids are maybe for us, but I'm not
• 1:12:26
  Speaker 1: willing to sacrifice marriage too. I believe he's got some
• 1:12:29
  Speaker 1: unresolved issues from his childhood. He's avoidant, and I'm anxious.
• 1:12:33
  Speaker 1: Individual or couple's counseling is off the table. He's one
• 1:12:36
  Speaker 1: chapter into our relationship book, my psychologist suggested, but he's
• 1:12:40
  Speaker 1: not invested. We're about to explore putting my name on
• 1:12:43
  Speaker 1: the loan for his house that we just finished renovating.
• 1:12:46
  Speaker 1: This is a huge step for him. Nothing in his
• 1:12:48
  Speaker 1: life shows me that i'm his quote life partner. Besides
• 1:12:52
  Speaker 1: us living together, I don't know how I can feel
• 1:12:54
  Speaker 1: secure and get peace of mind before we travel together.
• 1:12:57
  Speaker 1: Oh wise one, please help yours truly run a Holy moly,
• 1:13:06
  Speaker 1: how how old did they say? Did they say? She's
• 1:13:09
  Speaker 1: thirty three? And I believe he's about the same age. Okay, so,
• 1:13:13
  Speaker 1: first of all, there's so many red flags. I'm sorry,
• 1:13:16
  Speaker 1: I hate to say this. There are so many red flags.
• 1:13:20
  Speaker 1: And you can talk all you want, but he has
• 1:13:24
  Speaker 1: to show you and he hasn't so far. He's saying
• 1:13:27
  Speaker 1: I'll never do this and I'll never do that, and
• 1:13:29
  Speaker 1: I want this and I want that, but he's not
• 1:13:30
  Speaker 1: giving what you want. And you both have very different
• 1:13:34
  Speaker 1: views on how you want to live your adult lives.
• 1:13:38
  Speaker 1: You definitely don't want to get married to a man
• 1:13:40
  Speaker 1: who doesn't believe in marriage. Now, marriage isn't everything. I
• 1:13:44
  Speaker 1: never wanted to get married. You know, some people just
• 1:13:47
  Speaker 1: love being partners and that's great, but it sounds like
• 1:13:50
  Speaker 1: you really want to be married. Then you said, I
• 1:13:53
  Speaker 1: always envisioned my life married with children. He doesn't want children,
• 1:13:58
  Speaker 1: but but I won't app not having marriage. Like already,
• 1:14:01
  Speaker 1: there's so many red flags going up that this is
• 1:14:05
  Speaker 1: not your life partner. This might have been a moment
• 1:14:07
  Speaker 1: partner unless you can get into therapy and figure it out.
• 1:14:11
  Speaker 1: I think these are going to keep coming up every time.
• 1:14:14
  Speaker 1: Well also, I think she said therapy is off the table.
• 1:14:17
  Speaker 1: Why is therapy off the tape? He's not interested in
• 1:14:19
  Speaker 1: going to therapy. That is a big red flag. And
• 1:14:21
  Speaker 1: I agree with Julianna that there was like there are
• 1:14:23
  Speaker 1: multiple red flags because breaking up with you a he
• 1:14:28
  Speaker 1: freaked out after you know what, a week of dating
• 1:14:30
  Speaker 1: you or some short amount of time and broke up
• 1:14:33
  Speaker 1: with you and then did it again when you brought
• 1:14:35
  Speaker 1: up marriage at four years, Like, that's that's deep into it. Yeah,
• 1:14:39
  Speaker 1: you've been together four years, so like that's. Yes, of
• 1:14:42
  Speaker 1: course he has emotional trauma from his childhood. We all do.
• 1:14:45
  Speaker 1: But if he's not willing to do that work, then
• 1:14:48
  Speaker 1: you shouldn't be willing to sacrifice something that means that
• 1:14:50
  Speaker 1: much to you. I agree with Julianna marriages and everything.
• 1:14:53
  Speaker 1: I don't care about being married, but if it matters
• 1:14:55
  Speaker 1: to you, that is what is important. That is paramount
• 1:14:58
  Speaker 1: to his thoughts. And you being excited that he's going
• 1:15:01
  Speaker 1: to put your name on his loan for the house
• 1:15:04
  Speaker 1: is also a red flag because that is not a
• 1:15:07
  Speaker 1: sign of anything, like, if anything, you're setting yourself up
• 1:15:10
  Speaker 1: to possibly be responsible for his loan, you know, without
• 1:15:14
  Speaker 1: any commitment from him. So I don't know why that's
• 1:15:16
  Speaker 1: a good idea. Also, something in your letter really struck me.
• 1:15:21
  Speaker 1: You said, the last six months you go to bed crying. Yeah,
• 1:15:25
  Speaker 1: you're about to go on a two year rock climbing
• 1:15:28
  Speaker 1: trip with this person, so you're only going to have
• 1:15:31
  Speaker 1: that person in your life. I want to stop you.
• 1:15:35
  Speaker 1: I know this sounds awful and I probably shouldn't say this,
• 1:15:39
  Speaker 1: but you're thirty three and I know he seems like
• 1:15:41
  Speaker 1: the love of your life. Right now, you have a
• 1:15:43
  Speaker 1: huge life in front of you. Before you go rock
• 1:15:46
  Speaker 1: climbing with this guy, you have got to figure out
• 1:15:49
  Speaker 1: your stuff and get him into therapy with you to
• 1:15:51
  Speaker 1: find out if this is a trip you want to
• 1:15:53
  Speaker 1: take for two years. Absolutely, and if somebody is so
• 1:15:57
  Speaker 1: intransigent that they will not commit to going to therapy
• 1:16:01
  Speaker 1: to figure out the very I guarantee you if you
• 1:16:04
  Speaker 1: put it on the table to him and say I
• 1:16:06
  Speaker 1: cannot move forward with this relationship unless you go into counseling,
• 1:16:10
  Speaker 1: I guarantee you he'll go. And if he doesn't, then
• 1:16:12
  Speaker 1: that is exactly the sign you need to move on. Yeah,
• 1:16:16
  Speaker 1: and I know this is hard to hear. I understand
• 1:16:18
  Speaker 1: we've all been in love and thought that this person
• 1:16:20
  Speaker 1: was the person. But this person isn't showing you that
• 1:16:23
  Speaker 1: they're your person. Because when you fall in love with everyone, Hey,
• 1:16:25
  Speaker 1: I don't, I don't. I would prefer not to get
• 1:16:27
  Speaker 1: married my boyfriend right now, all he wants to do
• 1:16:30
  Speaker 1: is talk about getting married I will marry him because
• 1:16:32
  Speaker 1: it's so important to him, because I love him. At
• 1:16:35
  Speaker 1: some point I'll do that, you know, so so like.
• 1:16:41
  Speaker 1: But those are the compromises you make for people that
• 1:16:43
  Speaker 1: you're in love with. You don't just have your set
• 1:16:46
  Speaker 1: of rules and then are in transigent about everything else.
• 1:16:49
  Speaker 1: You have to meet people in the middle, and you're
• 1:16:51
  Speaker 1: bending over backwards in a relationship where he's not doing
• 1:16:55
  Speaker 1: the same. And I'm sure you're thinking in your mind
• 1:16:57
  Speaker 1: right now, well, I didn't list all the things he
• 1:16:59
  Speaker 1: does for you. It doesn't matter. If being married for
• 1:17:02
  Speaker 1: you is that important, then he has to show up
• 1:17:04
  Speaker 1: in that way for you. And then you can also
• 1:17:06
  Speaker 1: and consider what why is marriage so important to you?
• 1:17:09
  Speaker 1: Maybe it isn't as important as you think. But as
• 1:17:11
  Speaker 1: long as you feel that way and he's not meeting
• 1:17:13
  Speaker 1: you halfway, then then there really is nothing to talk about.
• 1:17:16
  Speaker 1: And yes, going to bed crying and all of that
• 1:17:19
  Speaker 1: is not that that doesn't mean you're with the right person.
• 1:17:22
  Speaker 1: That means you're with the wrong person. So I just
• 1:17:24
  Speaker 1: have to say I was with a guy who I
• 1:17:26
  Speaker 1: was so madly in love with, and we were dating
• 1:17:28
  Speaker 1: for two weeks. I mean, we were never apart, and
• 1:17:30
  Speaker 1: then all of a sudden, one day he just said
• 1:17:32
  Speaker 1: he panicked, and he goes, I need a week away
• 1:17:35
  Speaker 1: from you. And I was twenty five, and I was
• 1:17:37
  Speaker 1: like okay, and then cried my eyes out for two weeks,
• 1:17:40
  Speaker 1: like totally sobbing my eyes out. Didn't know why he
• 1:17:43
  Speaker 1: needed time away from me. I didn't know what was
• 1:17:44
  Speaker 1: going on. And then he just showed up at my
• 1:17:46
  Speaker 1: door after the two weeks was up as if nothing
• 1:17:47
  Speaker 1: had happened, and I was so happy to see him
• 1:17:50
  Speaker 1: because I was so in love with him. That is
• 1:17:52
  Speaker 1: not red flag number one. That is red flag whole relationship,
• 1:17:57
  Speaker 1: because it kept happening over and over again. We were
• 1:18:02
  Speaker 1: together for ten years. Believe me, it happened all the time,
• 1:18:05
  Speaker 1: and I kept thinking, it's a phase, it's at this
• 1:18:07
  Speaker 1: I get gave it excuses, and I was crying all
• 1:18:11
  Speaker 1: the time at night, not knowing what was going on
• 1:18:14
  Speaker 1: because he had to deal with his own ship. He
• 1:18:16
  Speaker 1: couldn't deal in a relation. You cannot be in a
• 1:18:19
  Speaker 1: healthy relationship until you have made yourself healthy. Yeah, and
• 1:18:24
  Speaker 1: that is the truth. And it sounds like this guy
• 1:18:27
  Speaker 1: needs to make himself healthy. He probably has a lot
• 1:18:29
  Speaker 1: of separation issues. If he's from divorced parents, he needs
• 1:18:32
  Speaker 1: to get help before he can meet you equally in
• 1:18:36
  Speaker 1: this relationship because right now it does not sound equal.
• 1:18:39
  Speaker 1: And trust me when I say the problems will get bigger. Yes. Also,
• 1:18:47
  Speaker 1: him getting healthy is one thing, but you being in
• 1:18:49
  Speaker 1: this relationship is also an indicator that you're not very healthy,
• 1:18:52
  Speaker 1: you know, or as healthy as you can be, because
• 1:18:55
  Speaker 1: you're tolerating this, and you need to stand up for
• 1:18:58
  Speaker 1: yourself and put your foot down, like if this isn't
• 1:19:00
  Speaker 1: acceptable for you, then it's not acceptable for you, and
• 1:19:03
  Speaker 1: you have to figure out why you're tolerating it. You
• 1:19:05
  Speaker 1: said yourself that he's an avoidance and you're an anxious
• 1:19:08
  Speaker 1: That means that the dynamic is unhealthy because anxious people
• 1:19:12
  Speaker 1: should never be with avoidance. They feed off of you.
• 1:19:15
  Speaker 1: They feed off of your neediness because that's how they
• 1:19:18
  Speaker 1: perceive it as neediness. You need to get married, You
• 1:19:21
  Speaker 1: need to have your name on the You need me
• 1:19:23
  Speaker 1: to be committed to you. That dynamic will never shift
• 1:19:26
  Speaker 1: until you shift it, and staying in the relationship, you
• 1:19:28
  Speaker 1: won't shift anything. I think what you just said, Chelsea
• 1:19:31
  Speaker 1: is the most valuable thing you could say to any
• 1:19:33
  Speaker 1: woman in a relationship like this, what do you you
• 1:19:36
  Speaker 1: need to put yourself first? Why are you in this
• 1:19:38
  Speaker 1: relationship where you're not happy? We never look at that,
• 1:19:43
  Speaker 1: And I think that's exactly it. Once you start going there,
• 1:19:46
  Speaker 1: you're going to figure it out for yourself. But don't settle. Yeah,
• 1:19:49
  Speaker 1: and just just don't confuse you thinking you're in love
• 1:19:52
  Speaker 1: with someone as the love of your life. You don't
• 1:19:54
  Speaker 1: know what's coming. I've I thought that multiple times in
• 1:19:58
  Speaker 1: my life, that I was with the love of my
• 1:19:59
  Speaker 1: life and guess what I wasn't And Julianna, I think
• 1:20:03
  Speaker 1: you felt that way. As my mother used said collar
• 1:20:06
  Speaker 1: crying in this horrible relations she'd be like, I don't
• 1:20:08
  Speaker 1: understand you. There's so many men out there. Yeah, I know,
• 1:20:11
  Speaker 1: and it doesn't feel like that at the point. At
• 1:20:13
  Speaker 1: the time, you feel like this is your only person,
• 1:20:16
  Speaker 1: it's your whole world, and it's hard to see beyond
• 1:20:18
  Speaker 1: the circumstance you're in currently. But I promise you there
• 1:20:22
  Speaker 1: are billions of people out there and you have no
• 1:20:25
  Speaker 1: idea what's coming your way. When you say to the universe,
• 1:20:29
  Speaker 1: these are my standards and this is what I'm going
• 1:20:31
  Speaker 1: to going to be willing to tolerate. I guarantee your
• 1:20:34
  Speaker 1: whole world changes. It'll change. And this is what I want,
• 1:20:37
  Speaker 1: right down on a piece of paper, what you want,
• 1:20:40
  Speaker 1: and then really be truthful. Can he give that to you?
• 1:20:43
  Speaker 1: Because if he can't, I bet you dollars to donuts,
• 1:20:45
  Speaker 1: someone else can dollars to donuts. You heard it here
• 1:20:48
  Speaker 1: for first. I haven't heard that in a long time.
• 1:20:50
  Speaker 1: Thank you for revisiting that phrase, dollars to donuts. So
• 1:20:54
  Speaker 1: sorry about the bad feedback. I mean, it's not bad feedback.
• 1:20:57
  Speaker 1: It's good feedback, but it's not going to be what
• 1:20:58
  Speaker 1: you want to hear. But keep in touch with us
• 1:21:00
  Speaker 1: and let us know what happens, let us know if
• 1:21:02
  Speaker 1: you made any big moves. Take care of yourself first. Yes,
• 1:21:06
  Speaker 1: please take care of yourself because you can't rely on
• 1:21:08
  Speaker 1: another person to do that for you. Good luck, and
• 1:21:12
  Speaker 1: with that, we'll take a quick break and be right
• 1:21:15
  Speaker 1: back with Julianna and Chelsea and we're back. Well, Julianna,
• 1:21:24
  Speaker 1: do you have any advice you'd like to get from Chelsea?
• 1:21:27
  Speaker 1: I do medical advice. It's medical ish, Dr Chelsea Handler.
• 1:21:33
  Speaker 1: So I read your book and I was really fascinated
• 1:21:38
  Speaker 1: by the ayahuasca chapter. Also because I've had a few
• 1:21:42
  Speaker 1: friends who have done it and who have told me
• 1:21:44
  Speaker 1: about it. Now, I am not a person. I've never
• 1:21:47
  Speaker 1: been good on pot. I've tried all my friends who
• 1:21:49
  Speaker 1: do gummy, They're like, you haven't had the right kind.
• 1:21:51
  Speaker 1: Every time I do it, it just doesn't bode well
• 1:21:54
  Speaker 1: with me. But the idea of ayahuasca kind of intrigues me.
• 1:21:58
  Speaker 1: So I want to ask cue, one, would you do
• 1:22:02
  Speaker 1: it again? Two? Would you advise someone who has not?
• 1:22:09
  Speaker 1: Like I've never done ascid? I don't like tripping really right.
• 1:22:13
  Speaker 1: I don't like being not in control. Like what I
• 1:22:15
  Speaker 1: love about having a margarita is I know I can
• 1:22:18
  Speaker 1: have two and that's my limit, and then I drink
• 1:22:20
  Speaker 1: some water and I'm fine. You know, I can monitor that.
• 1:22:24
  Speaker 1: I don't like being I get scared to be out
• 1:22:26
  Speaker 1: of control. But I think it would be really good
• 1:22:29
  Speaker 1: for me. And what you described about you and your
• 1:22:32
  Speaker 1: sister on the beach together, I thought, oh my god,
• 1:22:35
  Speaker 1: I want to I want to see where my trip goes.
• 1:22:39
  Speaker 1: What would you say to someone who's never tried it, Honestly,
• 1:22:43
  Speaker 1: knowing you as I know you, I would say, you're
• 1:22:46
  Speaker 1: a pretty healthy person and that you're pretty even keeled
• 1:22:50
  Speaker 1: and stable, and I would say that you don't need
• 1:22:53
  Speaker 1: to do something like that. I would say that that
• 1:22:56
  Speaker 1: is for people who are really searching and are really
• 1:23:00
  Speaker 1: haven't resolved any of their childhood trauma. And I feel
• 1:23:03
  Speaker 1: like you have and that you are in a good
• 1:23:06
  Speaker 1: state of mind. And while it can open up doors
• 1:23:09
  Speaker 1: and bring you to different places, I don't think it's
• 1:23:13
  Speaker 1: worth the anxiety of leading up to it. Being a
• 1:23:16
  Speaker 1: type a personality like you are, I don't think it's
• 1:23:20
  Speaker 1: worth it. There's vomiting involved, people ship their pants, You're
• 1:23:24
  Speaker 1: throwing up in a bucket, there's a shaman like can
• 1:23:26
  Speaker 1: It can be very intense. And with somebody who doesn't
• 1:23:30
  Speaker 1: have a tolerance for drugs, it's it's not necessary, Like
• 1:23:35
  Speaker 1: I would say it if you were really in a
• 1:23:37
  Speaker 1: bad place or you needed to get clarity on something.
• 1:23:40
  Speaker 1: But I feel like you have a lot of clarity
• 1:23:42
  Speaker 1: and you are in a really good place, and I
• 1:23:44
  Speaker 1: just would say it's unnecessary. Dr Chelsea, I feel so
• 1:23:48
  Speaker 1: relieved that I don't have to go down that path.
• 1:23:50
  Speaker 1: Let's put this on the record for the first time,
• 1:23:52
  Speaker 1: I'm advising somebody to not do drugs. Actually this isn't
• 1:23:56
  Speaker 1: the first time, but I would have to be honest
• 1:23:58
  Speaker 1: with you because you just don't need it, you really do.
• 1:24:00
  Speaker 1: I love that answer. I really was expecting something else. Yeah,
• 1:24:04
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't you know what, to tell you the truth.
• 1:24:05
  Speaker 1: I don't think i'll do it again either. I mean,
• 1:24:07
  Speaker 1: I've always had groups of girlfriends that want to do
• 1:24:09
  Speaker 1: these ayahuasca retreats, and I always say I'll do it.
• 1:24:11
  Speaker 1: But if I hadn't been doing it on camera, I
• 1:24:13
  Speaker 1: wouldn't have done it either, because I you know it is.
• 1:24:16
  Speaker 1: It was a beautiful experience, and I'm just going to
• 1:24:18
  Speaker 1: leave it at that. I don't need to tempt my
• 1:24:20
  Speaker 1: fate again. I love it. Thank you. I'm not gonna
• 1:24:23
  Speaker 1: that's one thing checked off my list. I don't have
• 1:24:25
  Speaker 1: to do it. I really appreciate it. You are an
• 1:24:28
  Speaker 1: absolute delight. I just love you. I adore you. You're
• 1:24:31
  Speaker 1: such a You're such a positive and ebulliant person to
• 1:24:35
  Speaker 1: have around, and I just love seeing you every time
• 1:24:37
  Speaker 1: I get to see you. So I'm so psyched that
• 1:24:39
  Speaker 1: you're on the podcast and then we got to do
• 1:24:41
  Speaker 1: in a person I'm so just listeners. Just so you know,
• 1:24:44
  Speaker 1: I listened to Chelsea's podcast since its inception while I
• 1:24:48
  Speaker 1: was alone in my kitchen and lockdown cooking. It felt
• 1:24:51
  Speaker 1: so good to hear people I love and respect and
• 1:24:54
  Speaker 1: can make me laugh. And I literally text Chelsea after
• 1:24:57
  Speaker 1: almost like I listen to an episode and not text
• 1:24:59
  Speaker 1: on Oh my god, you had so and so on.
• 1:25:01
  Speaker 1: So I'm a huge fan, you know, Thank you, Thank you,
• 1:25:05
  Speaker 1: and make sure you read Sunshine Girl. And you can
• 1:25:07
  Speaker 1: always find Julianna on the Morning Show currently, and then
• 1:25:11
  Speaker 1: you can just go back and rent all of the
• 1:25:13
  Speaker 1: Good Wife. What's that on Hulu? You don't have to
• 1:25:15
  Speaker 1: rent it. I'm sure it's on somewhere. Yeah, yeah, Netflix,
• 1:25:22
  Speaker 1: Netflix is how they're pronouncing it now. But thank you
• 1:25:24
  Speaker 1: so much for being here. Thank you for having me.
• 1:25:26
  Speaker 1: It was a blast. So if you'd like to ask
• 1:25:28
  Speaker 1: Chelsea a question, email us at Dear Chelsea Project at
• 1:25:32
  Speaker 1: gmail dot com.