Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #252 Toddler Tantrums

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#252 Toddler Tantrums · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
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  Speaker 2: wants answers.
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  Speaker 1: Now, when we tell our kids to do something that
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  Speaker 1: they don't want to do, especially as toddler's they're kind
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  Speaker 1: of going, hang on, that's not what I want to do.
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  Speaker 1: And you're the person who's supposed to love me more
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  Speaker 1: than anything in the world, and you're telling me to
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  Speaker 1: do something that doesn't make sense to me because I
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  Speaker 1: want to be here now and now. Here's the stars
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  Speaker 1: of our show, my mom and dad. Gooday. This is
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  Speaker 1: doctor Justin Colson. I'm the founder of Happy Families dot
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  Speaker 1: com dot au and the author of six books about
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  Speaker 1: raising happy families. I'm here with Kylie, my wife and
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  Speaker 1: mum to our six daughters. Hi, Kylie, Hi, We've got
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  Speaker 1: a Q and A that's come through a question via
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  Speaker 1: podcasts at Happyfamilies dot com dot you. We're talking toddlers today.
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  Speaker 2: Tracy has asked us a couple of questions in relation
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  Speaker 2: to her two and a half year old. She is
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  Speaker 2: dealing with tantruoms in lots of different areas, one of
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  Speaker 2: them being dealing with transitions. We've got to leave the
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  Speaker 2: house and we have a tantrum because we don't want
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  Speaker 2: to go, and we've got to leave the park, and
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  Speaker 2: we're going to know the tantrum because we don't want
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  Speaker 2: to go. And so she's been resorting to bribes and
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  Speaker 2: you know, saying if you leave now, we can watch
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  Speaker 2: the TV when we get home, or if you leave now,
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  Speaker 2: I'll give you this this treat or this you know,
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  Speaker 2: kind of favorite food or whatever. And she's wanting to
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  Speaker 2: know whether or not there's any detrimental impact to her
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  Speaker 2: children long term if she continues doing this. And then secondly,
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  Speaker 2: having this defiantly independent child who has to do everything
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  Speaker 2: for themselves, and if she inadvertently steps in and turns
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  Speaker 2: the light switch on and the doddler wants to do it,
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  Speaker 2: we've got massive tantrums again. And she doesn't know how
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  Speaker 2: to diffuse the situation, and so what she's having to
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  Speaker 2: do is just ride it out. So what can Tracy
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  Speaker 2: do to diffuse these tantrums?
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  Speaker 1: Let's dive into this. First of all, we've got to
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  Speaker 1: talk about developmental realities. When we're talking. We call it
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  Speaker 1: the terrible twos for a reason, because they're brains are
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  Speaker 1: not developed enough to understand the stuff that we want
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  Speaker 1: them to understand they're agitating for something that they want,
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  Speaker 1: we're agitating for something that we want. And it's like
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  Speaker 1: this unstoppable force meets an immovable object, where the unstoppable
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  Speaker 1: force we're in our way to do something. We've got
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  Speaker 1: stuff to do, and the immovable object is the toddler.
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  Speaker 1: There's a couple of reasons for this. First of all,
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  Speaker 1: our toddlers don't understand time. Like when you say we're
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  Speaker 1: leaving in five minutes, a toddler doesn't know what five
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  Speaker 1: minutes is. Toddler doesn't really know what we're leaving is.
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  Speaker 1: They kind of do a little bit, but they don't
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  Speaker 1: have the developed knowledge that we want them to have
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  Speaker 1: so that they can get themselves ready mentally for the shift.
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  Speaker 1: A couple of other things that are really going against
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  Speaker 1: them as well. There's this thing called theory of mind.
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  Speaker 1: Theory of mind means that your toddler understands what's happening
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  Speaker 1: in your brain. So you know, as an adult, Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: when I want to do something, you can usually infer
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  Speaker 1: what my motivation is. If I walk into the kitchen,
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  Speaker 1: you can usually tell I must be hungry. But for
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  Speaker 1: a toddler, they don't know how to read another person's
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  Speaker 1: mind like we as adults seem to do an okay
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  Speaker 1: job at most of the time. It's not until they
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  Speaker 1: get to about the age of five, maybe even six
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  Speaker 1: for slower developing children, before they start to have this
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  Speaker 1: theory of mind. So when we tell our kids to
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  Speaker 1: do something that they don't want to do, especially as toddler's,
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  Speaker 1: they're kind of going, hang on, that's not what I
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  Speaker 1: want to do. And you're the person who's supposed to
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  Speaker 1: love me more than anything in the world, and you're
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  Speaker 1: telling me to do something that doesn't make sense to
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  Speaker 1: me because I want to be here now, like there
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  Speaker 1: is only the present. I'm in the middle of something,
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  Speaker 1: and now you're asking me to stop. Why would you
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  Speaker 1: do that? That's really distressing for a toddler. So those
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  Speaker 1: two developmental realities, no concept of time and no theory
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  Speaker 1: of mind, that psychological brain development thing that won't happen
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  Speaker 1: for a few years. Plus the fact that toddlers really
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  Speaker 1: do live in the present make transitions really really tricky.
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  Speaker 1: Now that's the very brief developmental summary. What do we
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  Speaker 1: do well, you've worked in a little childcare for years,
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  Speaker 1: what did you used to do.
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  Speaker 2: I think there's a couple of things that are really
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  Speaker 2: really important, and they can be really tricky when you're
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  Speaker 2: in a family situation as opposed to a classroom situation,
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  Speaker 2: because things change regularly on the day to day with
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  Speaker 2: family life. But toddler's in particular need more structure than
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  Speaker 2: just about any other age group. They need to understand
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  Speaker 2: and know this happens, and then this happens, and then
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  Speaker 2: this happens.
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  Speaker 1: So they like structure. They're like predictability. They like routine,
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  Speaker 1: which means that if they're watching their favorite show, Tracy
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  Speaker 1: at I don't know, maybe they're watching Bluey on the ABC,
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  Speaker 1: and that's what they do in the morning. And then
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  Speaker 1: you say, as soon as blue is over, we get
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  Speaker 1: in the car and we go to the park, or
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  Speaker 1: as soon as mummies had a shower, we get in
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  Speaker 1: the car and we go to the park. What we
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  Speaker 1: want to do is we want to stack this habit.
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  Speaker 1: We want to create this routine, this predictability, and keep
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  Speaker 1: it as structured as is reasonable while still allowing for
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  Speaker 1: the appropriate flexibility that every family needs. That's the first thing.
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  Speaker 2: So those transitions, it might not necessarily be that you
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  Speaker 2: do the same thing every day, but you might have
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  Speaker 2: little cues that are the same every day that help
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  Speaker 2: your child to know that at the end of this song,
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  Speaker 2: or at the end of this show, or at the
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  Speaker 2: end of the timer going off, if you set a timer,
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  Speaker 2: there is going to be a change. So we're not
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  Speaker 2: going to keep doing what we're doing, because once you
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  Speaker 2: hear that queue, we're going to now move into the
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  Speaker 2: next activity.
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  Speaker 1: So in our home we used to we don't do
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  Speaker 1: it anymore. It probably should start again, But particularly when
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  Speaker 1: the children were younger, we would have a morning routine
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  Speaker 1: and the children all knew that when I played this
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  Speaker 1: song on the piano, everybody had to come into the
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  Speaker 1: living room it was family time. Before the day really
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  Speaker 1: got underway and everything went a bit haywire. They knew
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  Speaker 1: that that song was the cue. No matter what you're doing,
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  Speaker 1: drop it, come into the living room, let's have our
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  Speaker 1: family time. And you can create those same kinds of
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  Speaker 1: predictable cues that lead to the next thing, that lead
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  Speaker 1: to the transition. And it's incredibly powerful to powerful for
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  Speaker 1: Toddler's the second thing that I think we could probably
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  Speaker 1: give us a hint for Tracy in answering this transition's
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  Speaker 1: difficulty is just to set a timer because children don't
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  Speaker 1: understand what five minutes is or ten minutes. Let them
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  Speaker 1: know we're going to set the timer, and when the
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  Speaker 1: timer goes off, that's when it's time to leave. It
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  Speaker 1: could be the oven timer, you could use your phone,
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  Speaker 1: you can use an iPad or table or whatever it is. Ideally,
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  Speaker 1: get them to set it because that way they're part
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  Speaker 1: of the process.
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  Speaker 2: And especially in Tracy's situation, she's got a wonderfully independent
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  Speaker 2: in dependence yeah, two and a half year old who
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  Speaker 2: just wants to do things for herself, and so this
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  Speaker 2: is a perfect way to actually let her feel like
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  Speaker 2: she actually has control over what's going on.
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  Speaker 1: In her world. And you'll find that toddler's in fact,
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  Speaker 1: you'll find that anybody who has that level of control
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  Speaker 1: over what's happening will then respond positively when the transition arrives.
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  Speaker 1: Let's talk about Tracy's dealing with the independence stuff with
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  Speaker 1: her toddler right after the break. It's their Happy Family's podcast.
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: Our Screens Creating Tension at Home tweens, teens and Screen Means.
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: It's a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe Superscreen Solutions. Bye.
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: Today at happyfamilies dot com dot au slash shop.
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today we
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  Speaker 2: are answering Tracy's dilemma about how we deal with toddler tantrums.
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  Speaker 1: Tracy said that she's got a child who is extremely independent.
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  Speaker 1: You know, it's like, you try to address them, No,
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to do it. They can't do it. They
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  Speaker 1: don't have the skills to do it. They've got no
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  Speaker 1: idea what they're doing. But I've got to do it.
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  Speaker 1: Are you tried to feed them? No, I'm going to
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  Speaker 1: do it. And no matter what you do, they insist
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  Speaker 1: on doing it. Drives you crazy, takes ten times longer
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  Speaker 1: than it should. You end up doing it anyway. But
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  Speaker 1: now they're having a big tantrum. We've got to be
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  Speaker 1: able to help them to manage that desire, that inbuilt, natural,
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  Speaker 1: healthy desire for complete autonomy.
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  Speaker 2: You know, it's been quite a few years since we've
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  Speaker 2: had a toddler in the house, but I can vividly
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  Speaker 2: remember each of our girls at some point being allowed
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  Speaker 2: to do something that was driving me crazy because it
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  Speaker 2: was taking them way longer than they needed to do it,
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  Speaker 2: but just how proud they were when they accomplished the impossible.
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  Speaker 2: And I think that, you know, as we look at
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  Speaker 2: this challenging situation, if we can just find a way
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  Speaker 2: to work through it and allow them the autonomy to
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  Speaker 2: master these skills. Over time, we just see this child
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  Speaker 2: who grows in confidence.
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  Speaker 1: The research on this is really important, and I can't
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  Speaker 1: emphasize it enough to tell you exactly what the research says.
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  Speaker 1: I want to quote from my book twenty one Days
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  Speaker 1: to a Happier Family. It says, in a study of
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  Speaker 1: mothers and infants, one year old children were taught to
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  Speaker 1: play with some toys by their mum. Then the children
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  Speaker 1: were observed as they played on their own. When mothers
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  Speaker 1: were controlling in the way they taught their children to play,
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  Speaker 1: the children were less persistent and motivated to play with
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  Speaker 1: their toys than those children whose mothers had been more
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  Speaker 1: autonomy oriented in the way that they taught. Children with
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  Speaker 1: autonomy supportive mothers were delighted to have some free play
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  Speaker 1: and enjoyed playing with the toys even when the mum
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  Speaker 1: was gone. So you know, when you give your kids
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  Speaker 1: a toy and then you sit there and show them
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  Speaker 1: how to do it, how to use it. No, not
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  Speaker 1: like this, do it like that? Oh no, no, no, don't
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  Speaker 1: push that button over there. You've got to do this
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  Speaker 1: bit first. The more controlling the mums were, the less
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  Speaker 1: the children liked playing with the toy, and when they
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  Speaker 1: got the free play opportunity, they pretty much ignored the toy,
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  Speaker 1: didn't want to go near there because their parents were
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  Speaker 1: too controlling, like it's in built. Whereas the children who
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  Speaker 1: were given the freedom to explore it with mum present,
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  Speaker 1: they ended up enjoying it more and persistent with play
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  Speaker 1: even during the free play period. That's the difference between
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  Speaker 1: autonomy support and being controlling. What I think is also
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  Speaker 1: really interesting is this. A follow up study eight months
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  Speaker 1: later showed those children with autonomy supportive mums at the
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  Speaker 1: original play session were still more willing to persist in
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  Speaker 1: their play and were actually more competent in the way
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  Speaker 1: that they played. So autonomy supportive parenting encourages kids to
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  Speaker 1: explore and become broader in their thinking, and children figure
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  Speaker 1: out their choices and their options themselves. It leeds to
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  Speaker 1: better outcomes. There was another study as well I'm just
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  Speaker 1: going to quote one last study because I'm geeking up
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  Speaker 1: with the science for just a sec. Another study showed
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  Speaker 1: six and seven year olds with their mums, same pattern
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  Speaker 1: of results. Children played with these construction toys with their
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  Speaker 1: mums and the way that mums spoke to their children
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  Speaker 1: was coded as either being controlling or autonomy, supportive, or neutral,
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  Speaker 1: and when the play session was over, the kids were
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  Speaker 1: left alone for five minutes for a free play session,
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  Speaker 1: and the results showed that mums who were controlling in
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  Speaker 1: their talk had children who showed less intrinsic motivation to play.
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  Speaker 1: So the mums who were saying Okay, napple, there's one
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  Speaker 1: over there, or I think you should do that, they
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  Speaker 1: impacted that sense of control. When I'm thinking about Tracy's
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  Speaker 1: experience with her two and a half year old, this
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  Speaker 1: little toddler, it reminds me of a dad that I
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  Speaker 1: spent some time with in Melbourne back in the days
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  Speaker 1: when I used to do one on one coaching. I've
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  Speaker 1: just done a big presentation at a school. I've shown
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  Speaker 1: up in the living room of this family so that
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  Speaker 1: I can talk to mum dad, and they had a
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  Speaker 1: babysitter looking after their little guy. I think his name
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  Speaker 1: was Cody, the little boy, and the dad said, he
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  Speaker 1: just wants to do everything himself. It's driving me up
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  Speaker 1: the wall. I said, well, that's kind of what they do.
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  Speaker 1: He said, no, no, no, But I'll give you an example.
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  Speaker 1: We tried to leave the house the other night. It
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  Speaker 1: was a bit later than normal. He probably should have
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  Speaker 1: been in bed, but we had to take him in
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  Speaker 1: the car to go and drop something off to someone's place.
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  Speaker 1: And as I walked out of the house, I flipped
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  Speaker 1: the light switch off, and he was like, he just
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  Speaker 1: had this meltdown because he wanted to turn off the
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  Speaker 1: light switch. And I said, well, what did you do?
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  Speaker 1: He said, well, I told him to grow up and
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  Speaker 1: stop being a pain. And he put him in the
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  Speaker 1: car and he said he wouldn't get in his car seat.
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  Speaker 1: So he's got his fore arm across his chest and
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  Speaker 1: he's got his knee and he's growing and he's trying
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  Speaker 1: to rip the sort of the what do you call him,
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  Speaker 1: the shoulder harness around this poor little I shouldn't laugh,
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  Speaker 1: but you know what it's like out of the and
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  Speaker 1: it's how hard is it to get a child? I've
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  Speaker 1: actually slidden down and slid down in my seat right now,
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  Speaker 1: almost on the floor because I being the toddler with
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  Speaker 1: the arms up and kicking and fussing. And I said
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  Speaker 1: to this dad, why'd you do that? He said, well,
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  Speaker 1: he's got to learn I'm in charge. I've switched the
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  Speaker 1: light off. I'm not going to turn the light on
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  Speaker 1: and let him turn it off. I said, well why not,
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  Speaker 1: let's walk through it. Imagine if he had this tantrum
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  Speaker 1: because he's independent and he wants to do things because
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  Speaker 1: he's big enough to do them. Now he thinks he's
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  Speaker 1: a big boy. Imagine if he gets upset and so
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  Speaker 1: you walk back to the house and say, sorry, Cody,
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  Speaker 1: let me give you the chance to do it. So
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  Speaker 1: you turn the light on and he turns it off,
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  Speaker 1: and then you walk out of the house and close
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  Speaker 1: the door. What happens then? And this dad he looks
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  Speaker 1: at me and he's like, probably nothing. I said, what
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  Speaker 1: do you mean? He said, he's just going to get
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  Speaker 1: in a car seat? Is he going to cry? No,
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  Speaker 1: You're going to have to force him with your knee
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  Speaker 1: and your forearm, and you're gonna have to wrestle him
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  Speaker 1: into it. No. And I think when I hear a
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  Speaker 1: story like this that we've just got to give our
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  Speaker 1: kids a bit more independence, like get off their back,
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  Speaker 1: let them be independent, let them do stuff on their own.
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  Speaker 1: This is how they learn and grow. We want our
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  Speaker 1: children to grow up and be responsible and capable and competent,
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  Speaker 1: and yet we do everything for them. Two year olds
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  Speaker 1: are meant to do this. It's developmentally appropriate. So let
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  Speaker 1: them do it. And if they make a bit of
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  Speaker 1: a mess, you clean it up. If they get stuck,
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: walk in and say, oh, you look a bit stuck,
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  Speaker 1: how can I help? It's really that easy. I know
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  Speaker 1: I've taken a bit of time to share that, but
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  Speaker 1: the research evidence behind this is really clear. Our kids
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  Speaker 1: need connection and they need us to stop controlling.
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  Speaker 2: So what if we're in a situation though we've tried
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  Speaker 2: everything and no matter what we do, we just can't
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  Speaker 2: do anything.
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  Speaker 1: Right by our toddler.
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  Speaker 2: They are losing the plot and it doesn't matter what
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  Speaker 2: we do. They just going for We could be at home,
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  Speaker 2: we could be in the shopping center, we could be
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  Speaker 2: at the park. They're just going for it. What am
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  Speaker 2: I going to do?
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  Speaker 1: So let's be really clear. Usually there's a build up,
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  Speaker 1: there's something that has happened, and then something else has
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  Speaker 1: happened and it's built up.
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to say it's hungry.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I was going to say, there's triggers right, Hungry, angry, lonely, tired,
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  Speaker 1: and stressed. My Halts Holts little system that I talk
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  Speaker 1: about all the time, there's these triggers on top of that. Though.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe we haven't given the appropriate transition time. We're at
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  Speaker 1: the park and it's time to go, and we've said
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  Speaker 1: five minutes, but that doesn't mean any We haven't walked
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  Speaker 1: them through that. We haven't counted them down from five
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  Speaker 1: minutes to three minutes to one minute to okay, let's go.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe we're in the shops, like you said. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: I know that this is an unfair thing to say,
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  Speaker 1: But to the extent that it's possible, don't take your
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  Speaker 1: kids shopping. They hate going to the shops. Do anything
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  Speaker 1: that you can. I know not everyone can do that,
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  Speaker 1: but to the extent that it's possible, get a babysitter,
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  Speaker 1: get someone to watch the kids, anything that you can
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  Speaker 1: to stop them or when you go there, set things
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  Speaker 1: up for success.
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  Speaker 2: It took me six children to learn that rule. I
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  Speaker 2: had spent so many years going and doing the grocery
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  Speaker 2: shopping with a whole heap of kids trailing behind me,
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  Speaker 2: and it was just hard torture.
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  Speaker 1: It was for you and for everyone else in the
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  Speaker 1: shopping center. So you set them up for success by
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  Speaker 1: either giving them to a babysitter or to your partner,
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  Speaker 1: or by saying we're going to go into the shops
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  Speaker 1: and here's how it's going to go. So you give
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  Speaker 1: them a treat as you're going in, so they're contend
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: they're not they're not hungry or angry, or the older
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: kids you might say, I'm gonna get you to to
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: assist me. There's going to be a bit of service.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: We're going to do a challenge. See if you can
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: run down that aisle and get that before I go
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: down this aisle and get that. We want to get
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: the kids active and involved if they're big enough, or
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: give them something to eat if they're too small to
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: be involved. These are the kinds of really simple, practical
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: things that we can do to help our children to
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: navigate our lives, because sometimes they get dragged into them. So, Kylie,
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: what's the take home message? If you were to summarize everything,
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: we've talked about well.
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: I think there's three key points. Routine and structure are
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: imperative for our toddlers. They need to know that their
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: life is predictable. Number two transition warnings. While they don't
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: actually understand the concept of time, they will understand those warnings.
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: And if you give them multiple warnings, you're more likely
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: to be successful.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: I'm going to change the word warnings to reminders. It's
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: just a little bit nicer. I don't want to be
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: warning my toddlers about anything, but this is coming up.
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: And then lastly, giving our children as much autonomy as
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: possible as going to give everybody a lot more peace.
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: I mean, we could talk for ages about this. There's
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: so much, but I think we need to wrap it up.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: Maybe I can wrap up by just highlighting this all
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: the details about what I'm about to share on our
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: Facebook page. Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families. We've got a
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: summit coming up. This summit is called Little People, Big Feelings.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: The summit presented by Happy Families dot com dot a you.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: I've roped in eight of the world's best experts on
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: toddler's We're talking about discipline, we're talking about fussy eating.
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: We're talking about having fun and play. We're talking about
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: discipline without damage. We're talking about when we should be
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: sending them off to daycare or childcare or preschool or
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: KINDI or whatever it is that you call it. Where
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: you are, Little People, Big Feelings is a summit for
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: every parent of children under the age of five. It's
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: incredible value. We've got a doctor Shefali Sabari that's Oprah's
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: parenting expert, and a bunch of other people. All the
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: details on our Facebook page Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: It would be amazing to see you there. Let's wrap
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: this up though. We hope that you've enjoyed. The Happy
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media.
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: Craig Bruce is our executive producer, and if you have
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: enjoyed the podcast, we ask you to please leave a
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: five star rating and review so that other people can
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: find out about the podcast and make their families happier
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: just like yours. If you'd like more info about the
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: Little People, Big Feelings Summit, or just making your family happier,
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: generally visit happy families dot com dot au for more details.