Latest / ok storytime / My DNA test EXPOSED a family secret… so I confronted my mother! -r/relationships | Reddit Stories | EP3083

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My DNA test EXPOSED a family secret… so I confronted my mother! -r/relationships | Reddit Stories | EP3083 · ok storytime

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Riley. And this is Dakota, your favorite
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: OK Storytime host. And we've got some great stories coming up.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: But before that, we have a quick two-minute break from
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: the sponsors that keep the show alive.
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: My DNA test exposed a family secret, so I confronted
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: my mother. How could you? I, 21 female, am from
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: a family of five, mom and dad and two older brothers.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: Me and one of my older brothers are mixed black
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: and white. While my oldest brother is white and their
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: biological child. Interestingly, my mother is the mother of all
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: three of us biologically. Obviously, I noticed from a young age,
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: and I was told that my dad, who is white.
• 0:40
  Speaker 3: Adopted us. And you never, like, put it together? You
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: never fact-checked that? That your oldest brother, who is their
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: biological child, and then you guys... Are all related to
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: your mom. You never put it together what that would mean.
• 0:55
  Speaker 4: I mean, recessive genes exist.
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so recessive that he's not your dad.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: When I was 11, I had the nerve to ask
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: more because the whole thing did not make sense to me.
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: And my parents explained that my dad was infertile after
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: an accident and they opted to get a donation.
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: Okay, okay. That's actually a pretty reasonable answer. I don't
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: think it's the true one, but I think it's reasonable.
• 1:18
  Speaker 3: Sounds pretty good.
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: This is probably 100% true, as I can still see
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: the scar on my dad's stomach and he walks with
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: a limp.
• 1:27
  Speaker 3: When I got older, I asked, why are me and
• 1:30
  Speaker 3: my brother black?
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: They told me that it was actually a mix-up at
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: the doctor's office and they didn't want to make a
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: big deal about it because they didn't want my brother
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: or I to feel less loved because of our skin color.
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: They just reused the other embryos when they had me
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: two years later. When I was younger, the story made sense.
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: But now that I am older, I am so skeptical.
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: I should start out by saying that my mom and
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: dad are amazing to me. They treat us no different
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: than my oldest brother. And my dad is even eager
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: to help me discover my African culture when I got
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: really into it in high school.
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: Both of my brothers are great, too.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: By the way, this comes from Throwaway Black Eris. And
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: if you want to submit your own stories, go to
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: the r slash okay story time subreddit.
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: I'm Savannah. I'm Sophia.
• 2:17
  Speaker 4: I'm Dakota.
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: And we're here.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: To give you some good advice in a little goofy way,
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: but we don't have all the answers.
• 2:24
  Speaker 3: We'd only tell you what we would do, but let
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: us know what you would do down in the comments.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: However, I am a biology student in college now, and
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: I decided to get one of those 23andMe tests for
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: me and my brother out of curiosity.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: Never do that, because then people have your genetic information
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: and it can be sold to the government or whoever.
• 2:44
  Speaker 4: Don't do that. I'm just putting it out there.
• 2:46
  Speaker 3: Don't do that.
• 2:47
  Speaker 4: They got everything.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: I got one for my brother because I was curious
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: about the information from the Y chromosome. I asked him
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: to keep this a secret from my parents because while
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: they answered my initial questions, they always pushed back when
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: I inquired further. The results of this test were surprising,
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: to say the least. Sure enough, we had the same
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: mother and all of the same maternal family members, but
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: we were biologically just half-siblings. Which means we have different
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: biological fathers. When I told my brothers this information, he
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: was angry at me and told me to just leave
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: this alone. He thinks what I am doing could destroy
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: the family and wants no part of it.
• 3:27
  Speaker 4: I mean, it could.
• 3:28
  Speaker 3: Well, I had five half-siblings, which I initially thought was
• 3:32
  Speaker 3: evidence of a baby juice donation. It would make sense.
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: But after getting.
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: Contact with one of my half-siblings, I find out that
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: she still lived with my presumptive bio-dad. Luckily, the guy
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: was not married or anything, and he agreed to talk
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: to me, and what he said sort.
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: Of shocked me. What? Uh-oh. Oh, no. He said he
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: had never been to a baby juice bank, but he
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: had a lot.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: Of girlfriends, and it's possible one of them got pregnant.
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: To be honest, I ghosted him shortly after the call
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: because he seemed like a complete a-hole, but it's very
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: likely he is my biological father.
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: Oh, boy.
• 4:14
  Speaker 4: Oh, boy.
• 4:15
  Speaker 3: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Hachimama. It sounds like Mama cheated, CZ.
• 4:21
  Speaker 3: It does sound like that. I mean, either cheated or
• 4:25
  Speaker 3: could have been accidental. Some other things could have happened.
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: I think I think there's a world where parents were
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: having a difficult time and like split and the kids
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: don't know. And she, you know, had two different boyfriends
• 4:43
  Speaker 3: in this period of time. That's like best case scenario.
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: Now, the working theory that I have right now is
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: that my mom cheated on my dad with different guys
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: after his accident and they somehow got back together. They
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: must have come up with the lie to try to
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: smooth things over as much as possible without making my
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: mom look bad because I would honestly be very mad
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: at her if she actually did cheat on him. I
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: asked my oldest brother if he remembers anything, but he
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: was only four years old when I was born and
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: he never remembers arguing or fights. The only thing that
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: does not make sense to me is why my dad
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: has no resentment towards me or my brother.
• 5:21
  Speaker 3: Because he's a good man. Sounds like a good guy. Yeah.
• 5:24
  Speaker 3: Just all around good guy over here.
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: Dad has no family because he was a foster kid.
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: And most of my mom's family does not talk to
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: us besides my aunt. I feel like if I keep
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: pushing this, then I might cause a lot of unnecessary
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: emotions to come up. But I am also curious and
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: feel like I should know. Do you guys think I
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: should push this issue or leave it be? We have
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: such a great family dynamic and I am thankful for
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: my upbringing and don't want to ruin it.
• 5:51
  Speaker 3: There's an update. Talk to your parents. I think talk
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: to your parents. That would be my advice. Don't talk
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: to brother anymore. Don't involve any of the siblings. Talk
• 6:01
  Speaker 3: to maybe you could talk to mom one on one.
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: Maybe that's the step. Say, hey, I got this information.
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: I am thinking a lot of thoughts here, but I
• 6:09
  Speaker 3: wanted to talk to you first.
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean, it's not, you're more curious. You're not
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: going to like, it shouldn't ruin the dynamic. It shouldn't
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: cause any issues. You just want to know where you
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: came from. And that's not, that's not a bad thing.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: If I was adopted, I would want to know. Cause
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: I'd be like, Oh, like what if I, you know,
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: have a connection with this? I feel more at home. Like,
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: you know, I was technically, so I was a twin
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: and then my, Twin never like, you know, developed whatever.
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: And my mom always said, she was like, do you
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: ever feel like you like are missing something?
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: Like, cause some people do. And I'm like, nope, never.
• 6:50
  Speaker 3: I fill the room for all of us. Don't you worry. Yeah.
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: I was like, I don't know.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: I've never, I never felt that, but I know like
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: some people do, but anyway, there's an update here. So I,
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: 21 female, talked with my mom really late last night
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: and got all the information I needed.
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: Heck yeah.
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: I know it is really prying, but I learned so much, lol.
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: So turns out IVF is like super expensive and they
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: did not have a lot of money when we were younger.
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: Oh, they wanted to grow their family. This is going,
• 7:21
  Speaker 3: I think, in an interesting direction that I hadn't considered.
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: The whole reason for the baby juice donation clinic lie
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: was for my mom's parents who have since passed and
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: she does not feel the need to hide it from
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: me anymore. My dad is apparently bi, which is a
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: huge surprise to me because he gives no outward appearance
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: of being bi.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: I don't think anyone really does that unless they wear
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: a shirt that says, check out me, I'm a bi person.
• 7:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you can't usually tell based on looking.
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: Mom and dad met other men to conceive us, and
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: they just really liked black guys.
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: Mom also loved the idea of having mixed kids, so
• 8:01
  Speaker 3: it just sort of intentionally got pregnant this way.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: I'm low-key kind of happy that it was not cheating,
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: so I am glad that I asked, but kind of
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: also surprised that they intentionally wanted black kids, and that
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: mom and dad both did that, lol. Mom told me
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: not to talk about it, as it would be potentially
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: embarrassing for brothers and dad, so I will leave it
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: at that. I am happy for the family I have,
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: and although the whole conception story is super weird, I
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: don't think that affects us now anyways.
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: Parents are not vanilla after all.
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: Also, I feel kind of bad for arguing with my
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: dad about how he doesn't understand the problems I had
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: because he was a white man.
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: But I think he gets it after learning all this.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: You know what my brother says when, like, you pull
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: the same Uno card and you put it down on
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: the other one?
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: He goes, Matches! In that voice.
• 8:53
  Speaker 5: Matches!
• 8:54
  Speaker 3: Oh, the story. I mean, you know the truth now
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: is So I guess take it with a grain of salt.
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: Seems like you're chill with it, so. Yeah, and they
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: just wanted to do it in a cheaper way.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: I guess you could say they wanted to do it
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: the old-fashioned way.
• 9:10
  Speaker 3: Yep.
• 9:12
  Speaker 4: Having a three-way with your bi husband and a black man.
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: Yeah, multiple.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: Two of them.
• 9:18
  Speaker 4: Who knows how many?
• 9:19
  Speaker 3: Probably more than that. Well, there's an edit here.
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: Sorry if I did not make it clear. Mom told
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: me not to talk about it because it would make
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: my brothers uncomfortable and may embarrass my dad because he
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: is not really out as bi and just doesn't want
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: to be. He goes hunting, works out hard, and does
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: other typical manly activities, so I think he's got some
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: issue with people knowing. Brothers are similar to dad, although
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: brothers are not anti-queer. I doubt they want to know
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: the details because they are not really enlightened on this
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: stuff as much. He was nearby when my mom and
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: dad were discussing this and made sure to come in
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: and let me know he loves me and doesn't want
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: our relationship to change and stuff. Mom did all the
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: talking otherwise. I really think my dad heard everything and
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: he would have interjected if my mom was lying.
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: All's well that ends well.
• 10:09
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: I mean. Sure.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: Maybe the guy who didn't realize he had a kid,
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: maybe that night was just a crazy night. Maybe he
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: had been drinking a little bit. Maybe he just didn't remember.
• 10:21
  Speaker 4: He's like, did that happen? I don't know.
• 10:27
  Speaker 5: And that's the end of this story. Let's head to
• 10:29
  Speaker 5: the next one.
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: My wife's sister said I should be kept on a leash,
• 10:34
  Speaker 3: so I cut them off. Cut them with scissors, baby. So,
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: small intro. My wife, Lee, is 28. I am 26.
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: And my wife's younger twin sister just hit 22. My
• 10:47
  Speaker 3: wife is a bit of a black sheep in her
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: immediate family, and her younger sisters, Mac and Gail, receive
• 10:53
  Speaker 3: a lot of fiscal support from their parents, with the
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: younger twin, Gail, receiving the most. Lee and I celebrated
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: being together for 10 years as of March 21st of
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: this year. We weren't planning on doing anything for it
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: at first, minus a small date due to our budget,
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: but my wife's great aunt happened to give a nice
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: bit of cash to all of her grandnieces, nephews, and
• 11:16
  Speaker 3: their partners at the family Christmas. Well, nice. My portion
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: immediately went to tackling my personal debt, and Leigh wanted
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: to use her money to take us on a little
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: road trip to Manitou Springs, Colorado, around our anniversary date
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: or at the end of March to early April. I
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: was hesitant, but decided to let her plan because she's
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: got a knack for planning trips, and I trust her judgment. Also,
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: we haven't gone anywhere in over a year, and Colorado
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: is in our list for nature exploration. By the way,
• 11:43
  Speaker 3: this comes from my poison, the milk tea. And if
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: you want to submit your own stories, go to the
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: r slash okay story time. I'm Sophia. I'm Savannah.
• 11:50
  Speaker 4: Why would you do that to the milk tea? I'm Dakota.
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: And we're here to give good advice goofily about milk
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: tea and other things. So if you have any thoughts yourself,
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: put them in the comments below because we don't know everything. Anyway,
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: OP says. Prior to this, the twins were planning a
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: trip to Colorado Springs.
• 12:06
  Speaker 4: Colorado.
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: Thank you for telling us where the Colorado Springs was.
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: for their 22nd birthday, flying out and back around the
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: end of January to early February. They had their trip
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: booked and finalized before Christmas, and at first wanted their
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: mom and my wife to join in. Their mom declined
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: almost immediately to save PTO for her and their dad's
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: 30th anniversary end of October, and my wife officially backed
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: out a couple of weeks before Christmas due to funds,
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: a lack of planning, and communication from the twins, and
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: a general difference in itineraries between them. They wanted a
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: spa trip and to explore the city life while my
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: wife wanted to explore the outdoors and see places like
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: the Garden of the Gods. A couple weeks after my
• 12:51
  Speaker 3: wife started planning, she goes to hang out with her
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: sisters one night and asks Mac for any ideas for
• 12:57
  Speaker 3: outdoorsy activities that she thinks Lee and I would enjoy.
• 13:00
  Speaker 3: Mac says she doesn't really know, but is happy we
• 13:03
  Speaker 3: get to do something for ourselves. They finish their hangout
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: and go home without anything happening. Two days later, my
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: wife joins a Discord call with her younger sisters and
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: they want her to apologize for planning their birthday trip
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: minus them. Gail does all the talking while Mac is
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: work from home and was listening in during her shift.
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: Lee apologizes for making things feel that way, but defends
• 13:27
  Speaker 3: her reasons for not going with them on their trip
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: and assures them that there's no malice behind our trip plans.
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: Gail states that we have the right to do so,
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: but also insists that it's offensive to their celebration. And
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: this can only be seen as a personal attack. Well,
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: it can't only be seen. There's other ways that it
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: could be seen. It could be a non-personal attack. Could
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: it be impersonal?
• 13:50
  Speaker 4: There you go.
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: She states that my wife's paycheck timings weren't a good
• 13:55
  Speaker 3: enough reason when it came to funding. that we were
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: practically going to the same location and claims that she
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: was trying to find things for Lee before she backed out.
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: Lee didn't hear about any of those, except for a
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: tea room where she'd be paying extra for a dietary accommodation.
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: My wife hangs up after a long silence between them
• 14:14
  Speaker 3: as nothing was being resolved. Lee relays all of this
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: to me after she says she no longer wants to
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: go on a trip at all. And I message Gail
• 14:22
  Speaker 3: a few hours later to ask what happened and what
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: hurt her feelings. Also, my wife can be sensitive to
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: a lot of negativity and rejection, and I wanted to
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: see if I could diffuse things since Gail and I
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: can both be headstrong when we feel a lot. I
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: thought I could reason with her a bit because I
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: thought we'd be bonded enough over the years for this
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: to be the case. Gail says she doesn't understand why
• 14:44
  Speaker 3: I'm getting involved when Lee could have talked to her
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: and Mac directly. I tell her that I thought that
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: was what their prior call was about, and that I
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: care about my wife's feelings, especially when they're hurt. Also,
• 14:56
  Speaker 3: that if the twins are upset about our anniversary trip,
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: then having an issue with it affects me as well
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: as the other attendee. Why are they upset about your
• 15:05
  Speaker 3: anniversary trip? Because they come first. This is so ridiculous.
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: Their 22nd birthdays are more important than your anniversary. Pish posh.
• 15:13
  Speaker 3: This is annoying. This is annoying.
• 15:16
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 15:16
  Speaker 3: I feel like they're stupid. There is a bit of
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: emotional escalation from her as we keep messaging. She's upset
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: and I understand that. And I try to keep my
• 15:25
  Speaker 3: cool and stay rooted in reality as much as I can.
• 15:28
  Speaker 3: I remind her that our budgets are very different. Mac
• 15:32
  Speaker 3: and Gail have access to a parent's credit card without
• 15:34
  Speaker 3: a limit.
• 15:36
  Speaker 4: Crazy!
• 15:38
  Speaker 3: At 22?
• 15:39
  Speaker 4: So they can fund that hardware store.
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: Oh my, oh.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: If I had my parents' credit card at 22, oh,
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: we would be in so much debt. I don't think
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: I would have been in that much. I wouldn't have
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: been in debt. I would have been very responsible because
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: my mom would be.
• 15:54
  Speaker 3: Like, only use it for emergencies. And I'd be like, okay.
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: I want to buy a nice little drink and it's $ 40, please.
• 16:01
  Speaker 4: She'd be like, no.
• 16:03
  Speaker 3: And I'd be like, oh, okay. That's just you today.
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: That's all. Yeah. This happened yesterday. Well, my wife and
• 16:13
  Speaker 3: I are almost paycheck to paycheck. And Mac had already
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: mentioned before this that Gail would be paying her back
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: for her portion of the trip over time. I add
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: that they don't want the same things out of a trip.
• 16:23
  Speaker 3: That both parties are going at least a month apart.
• 16:25
  Speaker 3: And that the expectation of their older sister owing them
• 16:28
  Speaker 3: attendance when she did receive some extra money doesn't seem fair.
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: I tell Gail that being disappointed about plans changing or
• 16:37
  Speaker 3: not spending time with family is valid. But assigning that
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: blame to her older sister and expecting her to fix
• 16:44
  Speaker 3: it by whatever means necessary is not. She says, I
• 16:48
  Speaker 3: did nothing except dismiss her feelings and that I think
• 16:51
  Speaker 3: she's nothing more than a spoiled brat. And if I
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: don't understand now, she fears I never will. I agree
• 16:57
  Speaker 3: with her on not understanding, but also reminded her that
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: I didn't call her a brat. Because her feelings are
• 17:03
  Speaker 3: coming from somewhere vulnerable and real. But her method of
• 17:07
  Speaker 3: resolving it by offloading her frustration onto someone else is
• 17:11
  Speaker 3: not okay. And that sometimes when folks see something wrong
• 17:14
  Speaker 3: going on, they'll speak up about it. Two days later,
• 17:17
  Speaker 3: Mac messages Lee that she's disappointed in her big sister
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: for allowing me to speak to Gail that way. She
• 17:24
  Speaker 3: says that my wife should have kept me on a
• 17:25
  Speaker 3: tighter leash when speaking to my sister-in-law. And that I
• 17:29
  Speaker 3: crossed a boundary that they cannot come back from. Why
• 17:32
  Speaker 3: is it always the end of the world for them?
• 17:35
  Speaker 3: You know, they're like, oh, it could only have been
• 17:37
  Speaker 3: a personal attack. You can't come back from him talking
• 17:40
  Speaker 3: to us like that or from them talking to us
• 17:42
  Speaker 3: like that.
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: I would have to chalk it up to they have
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: access to their parents' credit cards with no limit.
• 17:49
  Speaker 3: Yes, entitlement. That's why they're acting like this. Light bulb moment.
• 17:55
  Speaker 4: They're dumb.
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: She claims that their partners would never speak to their
• 17:58
  Speaker 3: sister-in-laws that way. When they have, and we've been present
• 18:02
  Speaker 3: to mediate. That I made Gail feel crazy for how
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: she reacted. And that my wife dismissed their feelings about
• 18:09
  Speaker 3: her planning this trip instead of going with them. She
• 18:12
  Speaker 3: also says she regrets lying to Lee when she asked
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: how she really felt. My wife read it and doesn't reply.
• 18:19
  Speaker 3: They're just drama, these two. So much drama. I don't know.
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: I would suggest going low contact because like, why do
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: you even need that in your life? Like they're just
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: causing you stress for and for what? Because you don't
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: do what they want.
• 18:31
  Speaker 3: Yeah. It's so like the line where they said you
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: dismissed your feelings about planning instead of going with them.
• 18:38
  Speaker 3: She's like, well, I would have been happy if you
• 18:40
  Speaker 3: went with us. So that actually was the only solution
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: was if you went with us.
• 18:44
  Speaker 5: Cool.
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: I guess I'm just always in the wrong if I
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: don't do what you want. That's a fun relationship to
• 18:50
  Speaker 3: be in. Woohoo! I love it. I spent the evening
• 18:54
  Speaker 3: that message came through removing the twins and their partners
• 18:57
  Speaker 3: from the subscriptions we've covered for them for a few
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: years now. Because something about that message just felt so
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: gross is the word that feels best. I also just
• 19:06
  Speaker 3: don't think it makes sense for me to pay for
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: stuff for someone who thinks of me like something to
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: be kept on a leash. Dogs don't pay bills, am
• 19:13
  Speaker 3: I right? Unless you're Mr. Peabody. He pays bills. He's
• 19:18
  Speaker 3: a dog. Truthfully, I have no idea if or how
• 19:22
  Speaker 3: it impacted them at all, since we haven't spoken since then.
• 19:26
  Speaker 3: They've gone on their trip and back, and we actually
• 19:28
  Speaker 3: couldn't go on ours at all because of my wife's
• 19:31
  Speaker 3: health and my car passing away. So those funds got
• 19:35
  Speaker 3: used for those immediate needs instead. We've since found small
• 19:38
  Speaker 3: ways to celebrate and live our lives away from the twins.
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: as they truly think that I'm the a-hole. So after
• 19:45
  Speaker 3: all this mess should I have just kept my mouth
• 19:47
  Speaker 3: shut should.
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: I be leashed am I the a-hole no you shouldn't
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: be leashed what kind of question is that ridiculous.
• 19:55
  Speaker 3: I mean I think you were doing it to protect
• 19:57
  Speaker 3: your wife it seems like she may have trouble standing
• 20:01
  Speaker 3: up for herself with her sisters um I think I
• 20:05
  Speaker 3: honestly I think it's just up to your wife you
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: know talk to her See where she's, you know, landing
• 20:11
  Speaker 3: on this issue, what she wants you to do in
• 20:14
  Speaker 3: the future, and come up with a solution together. Yeah, agreed.
• 20:19
  Speaker 5: And that's the end of this story. Let's head to
• 20:21
  Speaker 5: the next one.
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: My mother-in-law canceled my wedding venue a few days before
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: the wedding.
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: Hey, we were using that.
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: My now-husband, Chris, asked me to be his wife in
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: June of 2024 before we planned our family vacation of
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: June 2025. We decided to elope in February 2025 due
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: to the legalities.
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: Of having to have a certain kind of driver's license
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: for flying.
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: We made the decision to have an actual wedding in
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: September of 2025. Monster-in-law Kathy asked if I would need
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: her help with planning the wedding. I genuinely thought she
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: had good intentions by asking. I appreciated her opinion on
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: certain things, and prior to this, we had a good relationship.
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: So I took the help as I had no idea
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: where to start with wedding planning. I also want to
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: note that originally we wanted to have the wedding at
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: their home due to it being close to home. Kathy
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: stated that she did not want random people going in
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: and out of her house and that she did not.
• 21:19
  Speaker 3: Want porta potties on her property. So we decided to
• 21:22
  Speaker 3: look at venues.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: By the way, This comes from ImpossibleBad2525, and if you
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: want to submit your own stories, go to the r
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: slash ok story time subreddit.
• 21:31
  Speaker 3: I'm Savannah. I'm Sophia.
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: We're here to get some good advice goofily, but we
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: don't have all the answers. We'd only tell you what
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: we would do, but let us know what you would
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: do down in the comments. As Opie says, we found
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: a venue of our liking, and surprisingly, she offered to
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: pay for it, which, by the way, was $ 500.
• 21:47
  Speaker 3: Not bad. For a venue?
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: I had no problem paying for the venue, but I
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: was appreciative. of it and we took her up on
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: her offer. The only thing that I had to pay
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: for was the booze due to us having an open bar.
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: Kathy and I agreed to this and signed on the
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: dotted line. During the springtime before the wedding, yard sales
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: were a thing and she bought multiple different sunflower items
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: for the wedding. Our flowers were simply just sunflowers due
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: to them being my favorite flower.
• 22:17
  Speaker 3: I love yard sales.
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: Needless to say i was very thankful for the help
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: vacation yay nope then vacation time came our family vacation
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: my family as well as my in-laws to the fullest
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: extent was absolutely ruined by her it was horrifying when
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: we got back from our vacation i had about two
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: and a half months till the wedding when my now
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: husband chris made our engagement he was very thoughtful As
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: my fiancé at the time, he bought me a ring
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: within his budget. My monster-in-law found out at that time
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: that my now-husband got my engagement ring from our Walmart.
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: I don't care where he got the ring from, and
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: to me, it's the thought that matters. My monster-in-law made
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: the remark that she would never have married my now-father-in-law
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: had he bought her a Walmart ring. My flabbers were
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: gasted by the arrogance of her remark. And I did
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: tell her I did not appreciate the comment. As a
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: girl who literally wears scrubs full time, I knew what
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: I wanted as a bride. I'm a girl who can
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: buy on a budget. I found my wedding dress on
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: Facebook Marketplace for $ 60 and had a corset put into
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: the dress for $ 20.
• 23:32
  Speaker 3: That's pretty good. Look at you. I kind of want
• 23:35
  Speaker 3: to see that wedding dress. You going to hook me up?
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: I got scolded by my monster in law for not
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: going to an actual bridal shop.
• 23:43
  Speaker 3: Dress shopping just brought me way too much anxiety.
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: Agreed. Many brides can't find a dress well under $ 1, 000,
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: so I was super proud of myself. I invited Monster-in-Law
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: to multiple dress fittings just for her to bail. However,
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: my mom made it a point not to miss any
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: of them. Now let's fast forward to literally 17 days
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: prior to our wedding. Kathy asked how many RSVPs had
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: been answered. It was a legitimate question. I, Christy... Work
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: in healthcare, so I'm constantly working. I had taken two
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: days off prior to the wedding so I could catch
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: up on wedding stuff. My monster-in-law, Kathy, stated that she
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: did not see the point in having the wedding venue
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: for only 20 people. By the way, most of the
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: guests have full-time jobs, and I wasn't really worried about
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: it due to everyone being in a wedding chat that
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: Kathy was not part of. There were guests that would
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: be bringing their children, and I also had an individual
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: who was physically in a wheelchair, so handicap-accessible restrooms were
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: a must. Kathy decided to take the venue away from
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: us by canceling it and then went on vacation. So
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: we frantically were trying to figure out where we were
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: going to have our wedding.
• 24:52
  Speaker 3: Who is this evil lady? She said, actually, I don't
• 24:56
  Speaker 3: see the point of your wedding. No more wedding.
• 24:58
  Speaker 4: Vacation.
• 24:59
  Speaker 3: No more wedding. I'm going to Cabo. That's actually crazy.
• 25:02
  Speaker 3: That's evil. What? And then like, I mean, she must
• 25:06
  Speaker 3: have said, okay, I canceled it and then left.
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 25:08
  Speaker 3: She's like, okay, I canceled it. I'm at the airport.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: We then decided to have it at her house and
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: she offered. The food for our wedding was masticcioli and bread.
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: I also asked master-in-law to make her famous salad due
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: to it being my husband and mine's favorite. Kathy then
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: made the decision that she would be ordering fried chicken
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: for our dinner. Oh. I, as the bride, do not
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: eat fried chicken, and my husband and I did not
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: want fried chicken at our wedding at all.
• 25:37
  Speaker 3: I literally am going crazy. I'm sorry. So she canceled
• 25:41
  Speaker 3: your wedding venue, and then you're like, okay, we're having
• 25:43
  Speaker 3: mascarpone and bread, and then she's like, actually, no, you're
• 25:46
  Speaker 3: having fried chicken. That's like complete opposite.
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: Actually, no.
• 25:49
  Speaker 3: We're going to do fried chicken. Americanize this.
• 25:52
  Speaker 4: What's going on?
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: We did inform my monster-in-law that it was not necessary
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: to order food due to the fact I would be
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: making mostacholi from scratch the morning of the wedding.
• 26:02
  Speaker 3: Girl, you're going to make it the morning of your wedding?
• 26:04
  Speaker 3: That's crazy. I also think you need to say, like,
• 26:09
  Speaker 3: you need to use different language when you're dealing with
• 26:11
  Speaker 3: your monster law. It's not, oh, we don't think it's
• 26:14
  Speaker 3: necessary for you to buy food. Don't buy food. Do
• 26:18
  Speaker 3: not buy food. We will not eat it. We will
• 26:20
  Speaker 3: throw it out. You will be wasting your money.
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: I had a health scare literally a week prior to
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: our wedding. I broke out in hives, mainly on my
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: face and going down my neck. I had to make
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: a doctor's appointment due to this. I was told it
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: was a reaction due to the stress.
• 26:36
  Speaker 3: Oh, that's me. My body reacts to stress. And then
• 26:40
  Speaker 3: I don't even know it. And then I'm like, what's happening?
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: What's happening?
• 26:43
  Speaker 3: And I'm like, and then they're like, oh, actually, you
• 26:45
  Speaker 3: were just like so anxiety ridden right now. And I'm like, oh,
• 26:48
  Speaker 3: it's been that all the time. It's been that the
• 26:51
  Speaker 3: whole time.
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: My wedding photographer's grandpa passed away the day before my wedding.
• 26:57
  Speaker 3: So I had no photographer. Unprofessional. I'm so sorry for
• 27:03
  Speaker 3: your loss.
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: So I made sure my little sister took photos. We
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: ended up doing our music from a karaoke speaker. Prior
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: to the wedding, Kathy asked what kind of dress I
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: would like her to wear. I simply said something nice
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: but comfortable. My mom wanted a mother of the bride
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: dress and I got to choose the color. Monster-in-law did
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: not ask and wore black to her wedding. The day
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: before the wedding, I had to pay for tables and chairs.
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: Mind you, in total it was $ 400, which by the
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: way was included in the original venue. Fast forward to
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: the day of the wedding. I, Christy, was cooking food,
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: curling hair, and doing makeup. Thankfully, my sister-in-law came by
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: to help for a short bit. Yes, I know it
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: was a lot, but I could handle it. It's time
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: to walk down the aisle, and monster-in-law is walking literally
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: in front of me, telling me to smile like I'm
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: happy to be getting married while recording me. Mind you,
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: monster-in-law's yard was very uneven, so I was trying to
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: be able to make it to my husband. Um, yeah, this, uh,
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: Kathy seems like a witch. She seems like a real joy. Yeah,
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: and I really still want to know what she did
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: on vacation. That was so horrible. That, like, ruined everything.
• 28:11
  Speaker 3: They couldn't even talk about it. It was so horrible. Yeah! Like,
• 28:14
  Speaker 3: come on! You can't say, oh, she was so horrible.
• 28:16
  Speaker 3: You can't even tell us a little bit? A little
• 28:18
  Speaker 3: something something? Just to tide us over for the end
• 28:22
  Speaker 3: of the story? I don't know. I think you got
• 28:24
  Speaker 3: to be more firm with her. And also your husband
• 28:26
  Speaker 3: needs to say something because it's his mom.
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 28:28
  Speaker 3: Get him on the ground floor.
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's true.
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 28:30
  Speaker 3: Why is he not standing up for you? Yeah, that's
• 28:32
  Speaker 3: my advice. She's in mourning. She is in mourning. Once
• 28:36
  Speaker 3: the whole wedding and photos were done, I smelled it.
• 28:40
  Speaker 4: Oh, no.
• 28:41
  Speaker 3: Fried chicken. Oh, no.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: Oh, no.
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: I was livid and my whole family could see this.
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: I had a few drinks and refused to allow anything
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: more to ruin this day. I was livid, and then
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: I got told that it was my duty as the
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: bride to clean up after myself. I calmly and firmly
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: informed my monster-in-law that had we had the original venue,
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: it would look as if we weren't even there. Since
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: the dumpster fire of a wedding, Kathy and I do
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: not associate ourselves with each other. I have a cordial
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: relationship with my father-in-law, june 2026 we are off to
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: our honeymoon oh.
• 29:25
  Speaker 3: Yeah i think you just kind of stay away from
• 29:27
  Speaker 3: her stay away because she's a nightmare and she's just
• 29:31
  Speaker 3: gonna make you do things her way no matter what
• 29:33
  Speaker 3: you say she's Ugh. How annoying. My wife and Camponator,
• 29:38
  Speaker 3: what is wrong with fried chicken is... She just doesn't
• 29:41
  Speaker 3: want it.
• 29:41
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: She told my aunt-in-law she didn't want it. They wanted
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: mostacholi and bread. Mostacholi and bread at their wedding. And
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: the mom is like, oh, um, you should do fried chicken.
• 29:52
  Speaker 3: And they were like, no. She's like, um, what is this,
• 29:54
  Speaker 3: a picnic?
• 29:55
  Speaker 5: And that's the end of this story. Let's head to
• 29:57
  Speaker 5: the next one.
• 29:59
  Speaker 4: Hey, this is Riley, your favorite Southern belle. We're going
• 30:01
  Speaker 4: to get back to these stories, but here's three minutes
• 30:04
  Speaker 4: worth of ads from our sponsors.
• 30:06
  Speaker 3: My mother hijacked my aunt's birthday, so I called her out. Hey,
• 30:11
  Speaker 3: it's aunt's, not yours. Yesterday, my mom, 62 female, invited me,
• 30:15
  Speaker 3: 25 female, to a Thai restaurant for my aunt's 73rd birthday.
• 30:20
  Speaker 3: It was my aunt's actual birthday. When I arrived, there
• 30:23
  Speaker 3: were about eight other family members there, but my aunt...
• 30:26
  Speaker 3: The birthday girl was nowhere to be found. We called
• 30:30
  Speaker 3: her and found out she was sitting at a completely
• 30:32
  Speaker 3: different Thai restaurant. She came right over when she realized
• 30:35
  Speaker 3: everyone was waiting at the other place. When she walked in,
• 30:39
  Speaker 3: she looked disappointed and sad, which honestly made me feel bad.
• 30:43
  Speaker 3: Later that day at my son's t-ball game, I was
• 30:47
  Speaker 3: talking with my husband and I was joking that someone
• 30:49
  Speaker 3: was bound to end up at the wrong Thai restaurant
• 30:51
  Speaker 3: because the names were similar. That's when my mom said, well,
• 30:54
  Speaker 3: my sister and I were discussing where to go for
• 30:56
  Speaker 3: her birthday, but she wanted to go to the other
• 30:59
  Speaker 3: Thai restaurant because it's her favorite. I didn't want to
• 31:01
  Speaker 3: go there because they switched owners, and I don't think
• 31:03
  Speaker 3: the food is good there anymore. Sabotage. By the way,
• 31:08
  Speaker 3: this comes from Emotional Size 3070, and if you want
• 31:11
  Speaker 3: to submit your own stories, go to the r slash
• 31:12
  Speaker 3: OK Storytime subreddit. I'm Sophia. And I'm Savannah. And we're
• 31:17
  Speaker 3: here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have
• 31:18
  Speaker 3: all the answers. We only know what we do. So
• 31:21
  Speaker 3: let us know what you would do.
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: In the comments.
• 31:23
  Speaker 3: And Opie says, I was shocked and said, mom, if
• 31:27
  Speaker 3: aunt wanted to go to that restaurant and was sitting
• 31:30
  Speaker 3: there waiting for all of us to show up, then
• 31:32
  Speaker 3: that's on you for telling everyone to go somewhere else
• 31:35
  Speaker 3: just because you don't like it. I told her that
• 31:37
  Speaker 3: my aunt looked disappointed and sad when she arrived because
• 31:41
  Speaker 3: she didn't get to celebrate her birthday at her favorite restaurant.
• 31:44
  Speaker 3: My mom responded, I don't care. If I'm paying for
• 31:47
  Speaker 3: a meal, I want to enjoy it. supposedly you're paying
• 31:50
  Speaker 3: for someone else's birthday. So usually you're supposed to do
• 31:54
  Speaker 3: what they want because it's their birthday.
• 31:56
  Speaker 5: Those are the rules.
• 31:57
  Speaker 3: That'd be crazy if someone was like, Sophia, I want
• 32:00
  Speaker 3: to take you out for your birthday. And then we
• 32:02
  Speaker 3: went to a steakhouse and they're like, well, I like steak. Well,
• 32:04
  Speaker 3: I don't eat meat. I'm not giving my money to
• 32:07
  Speaker 3: a restaurant I don't like. I invited you and your cousin.
• 32:10
  Speaker 3: And if you invite someone to dinner, you have to
• 32:12
  Speaker 3: pay for that. She also told me that I didn't
• 32:14
  Speaker 3: really have a right to say anything because she paid
• 32:17
  Speaker 3: for my meal since she invited me. And while I
• 32:20
  Speaker 3: am genuinely grateful that she paid for my dinner, I
• 32:23
  Speaker 3: don't think that means I have to ignore the fact
• 32:26
  Speaker 3: that my aunt didn't get to spend her birthday at
• 32:28
  Speaker 3: the restaurant she had chosen and was actually sitting at
• 32:32
  Speaker 3: waiting for everyone. But here's the thing. She didn't even
• 32:35
  Speaker 3: pay for my aunt's meal. The one person you're supposed
• 32:38
  Speaker 3: to pay for. It's the birthday. You got no standing here.
• 32:41
  Speaker 3: despite it being her birthday and despite being the one
• 32:44
  Speaker 3: who organized the dinner. So her argument that she should
• 32:48
  Speaker 3: get to choose because she was paying didn't really make
• 32:51
  Speaker 3: sense to me. She continued defending herself and genuinely believed
• 32:56
  Speaker 3: she did nothing wrong. Eventually, I said, I don't want
• 32:59
  Speaker 3: to talk about this anymore because it was making me frustrated.
• 33:03
  Speaker 3: My husband heard the entire conversation and agreed with me
• 33:06
  Speaker 3: that the birthday person should have gotten to choose the restaurant.
• 33:09
  Speaker 3: especially since my mom knew beforehand which restaurant my aunt wanted.
• 33:14
  Speaker 3: We've got a little teeny little tiny bit left. Do
• 33:18
  Speaker 3: you have any final thoughts?
• 33:19
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think mom's the a-hole here, obviously. She
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: should have just went with aunt's choice because.
• 33:25
  Speaker 3: I don't know why. I mean, her reasoning was, well,
• 33:29
  Speaker 3: I don't like that. Well, it's not your birthday. It's
• 33:31
  Speaker 3: not your birthday. You can suck it up for one day.
• 33:34
  Speaker 3: For real. They're both Thai restaurants. Yeah, literally. She's like,
• 33:37
  Speaker 3: I don't like the owners and I don't like the
• 33:38
  Speaker 3: food of the other one. Well, the birthday girl.
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: Does, so I don't care.
• 33:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's pretty crazy that she did that. I think,
• 33:50
  Speaker 3: you know, you can't go back. You obviously can't reason
• 33:53
  Speaker 3: with her. So I would say maybe, you know, if
• 33:57
  Speaker 3: you want to do something for your aunt, take her
• 33:59
  Speaker 3: back to that Thai restaurant or give her like a
• 34:01
  Speaker 3: gift certificate. Yeah, that would be nice. Either one of those.
• 34:05
  Speaker 3: But there's a little bit left. I think what's bothering
• 34:08
  Speaker 3: me the most is that my mom still doesn't see
• 34:10
  Speaker 3: anything wrong with what she did. I'm frustrated because this
• 34:14
  Speaker 3: is a pattern with her. She often puts her own
• 34:16
  Speaker 3: preferences first and then acts like everyone else is unreasonable
• 34:20
  Speaker 3: for being upset. I know some people might think I'm
• 34:23
  Speaker 3: overthinking this or making a big deal out of a restaurant,
• 34:26
  Speaker 3: but this is something my husband and I have noticed
• 34:28
  Speaker 3: happens often. It's not really about the Thai food. It's
• 34:32
  Speaker 3: about a repeated pattern where my mom puts her own
• 34:34
  Speaker 3: wants first, even during events that are supposed to be
• 34:37
  Speaker 3: about someone else. So am I the a-hole for calling
• 34:40
  Speaker 3: her out and saying she made my aunt's birthday about herself?
• 34:43
  Speaker 3: Not at all. That's exactly what she did.
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: I think everyone will side with you on this. I
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: don't really see why anyone would side with the mom.
• 34:53
  Speaker 2: And she's obviously in the wrong.
• 34:55
  Speaker 3: And if this is a repeated pattern and she doesn't
• 34:57
  Speaker 3: see that, I don't think she'll change.
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm like 99% sure she's not going to change.
• 35:04
  Speaker 3: She's not going to all of a sudden have a
• 35:05
  Speaker 3: change of heart and be like, wait, I want to
• 35:07
  Speaker 3: do things for other people. She has a sort of
• 35:10
  Speaker 3: sense of ego and entitlement And you can just like
• 35:14
  Speaker 3: know that going forward, clock it and then plan around it. Honestly,
• 35:19
  Speaker 3: it doesn't seem like you're at a point where you're
• 35:22
  Speaker 3: considering distancing from your mom. It's just frustrating that she
• 35:26
  Speaker 3: is this way. Yeah, you just have recognized a pattern
• 35:29
  Speaker 3: that's annoying. Like, oh, my mom kind of isn't a
• 35:33
  Speaker 3: little bit of a sucky person sometimes. But you just
• 35:37
  Speaker 3: kind of have to work around it if you don't
• 35:38
  Speaker 3: want to distance from this person, because calling her out
• 35:41
  Speaker 3: seems to do nothing.
• 35:43
  Speaker 5: And that's the end of this story. Let's head to
• 35:45
  Speaker 5: the next one.
• 35:46
  Speaker 3: My wife's ex vanished years ago and now he's back.
• 35:50
  Speaker 4: Is he the Dark Lord Voldemort?
• 35:53
  Speaker 3: For context, my wife and I have known each other
• 35:55
  Speaker 3: since middle school. I was in the grade above her.
• 35:57
  Speaker 3: We lived in the same part of a smallish town.
• 36:00
  Speaker 3: and our families went to the same church. So it's
• 36:02
  Speaker 3: safe to say we were always bumping into each other
• 36:05
  Speaker 3: growing up. We ran in parallel circles, but we never
• 36:07
  Speaker 3: really shared the same group of friends. During my sophomore
• 36:10
  Speaker 3: and junior year of high school, we would talk sometimes.
• 36:13
  Speaker 3: I would drive her home every once in a while,
• 36:15
  Speaker 3: and I could tell that she had a small crush
• 36:17
  Speaker 3: on me, but I mostly ignored it.
• 36:19
  Speaker 4: What does that mean?
• 36:20
  Speaker 3: It's like, I don't know. He'd flirt a little bit,
• 36:23
  Speaker 3: but he mostly ignored it.
• 36:25
  Speaker 4: Like, I just let her on for years.
• 36:28
  Speaker 3: During her junior and my senior year, she started dating
• 36:31
  Speaker 3: the ex this post is about. He was pretty much
• 36:33
  Speaker 3: the opposite of what anyone would have expected her to
• 36:36
  Speaker 3: date at that point, and her personality did a complete
• 36:39
  Speaker 3: 180 pretty soon after they started dating. She stopped hanging
• 36:42
  Speaker 3: out with her old friends, became more outspoken, and ended
• 36:46
  Speaker 3: up skipping her junior prom. By the way, this comes
• 36:49
  Speaker 3: from throwaway1208. 2010 and if you want to submit your
• 36:52
  Speaker 3: own stories go to the r slash okay story time
• 36:54
  Speaker 3: subreddit i'm sophia i'm dakota and we're here to give
• 36:57
  Speaker 3: good advice goofily but we don't have all the answers
• 36:59
  Speaker 3: we only know what we do so let us know
• 37:01
  Speaker 3: what you would do in the comments and op says
• 37:04
  Speaker 3: i left for college on the other side of the
• 37:06
  Speaker 3: country and came back the next summer to find out
• 37:09
  Speaker 3: that he had broken up with her a couple of
• 37:11
  Speaker 3: weeks before graduation and skipped town after leaving her devastated
• 37:16
  Speaker 3: I bumped into her at the local ice cream parlor
• 37:19
  Speaker 3: where she was working over the summer for some extra
• 37:21
  Speaker 3: money for college, and we hung out almost every day
• 37:24
  Speaker 3: after that.
• 37:25
  Speaker 4: Mmm, just platonically?
• 37:27
  Speaker 3: Just platonically, sure. She never really talked about her ex,
• 37:31
  Speaker 3: and I figured she was mostly over him. About two
• 37:34
  Speaker 3: weeks after we first started hanging out, we made out
• 37:38
  Speaker 3: for the first time in the backseat of my car. Hoo-wee!
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: I'm making out in the back of my truck, and
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: you don't talk about your.
• 37:48
  Speaker 4: Ex, man.
• 37:49
  Speaker 3: Please don't mention him again.
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: And you definitely moved on from your ex-boyfriend making out
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: with me in my truck.
• 37:57
  Speaker 3: It ended with her crying and apologizing because she wasn't
• 38:00
  Speaker 3: over her ex.
• 38:01
  Speaker 4: Ah, no.
• 38:02
  Speaker 3: Change the lyrics.
• 38:04
  Speaker 4: We just sang the song.
• 38:06
  Speaker 3: She said that she was still in love with him
• 38:08
  Speaker 3: and didn't think she would ever get over him. Well, oh.
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: Making out with a girl who's still in love with
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: her ex in the back of my truck.
• 38:18
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a pretty sad song now. At that point,
• 38:21
  Speaker 3: I realized that I was already falling for her and
• 38:24
  Speaker 3: agreed to just be friends. That, okay. We spent the
• 38:28
  Speaker 3: entire summer together, with me slowly falling in love with her.
• 38:32
  Speaker 3: Our colleges ended up being pretty close to each other,
• 38:34
  Speaker 3: so we would hang out pretty often. We also spent
• 38:37
  Speaker 3: Thanksgiving together. I was pretty sure we would end up
• 38:40
  Speaker 3: together when we went back that winter, but she got
• 38:42
  Speaker 3: a letter from him explaining everything, but with no return address,
• 38:46
  Speaker 3: causing her to spiral again. We ended up getting together
• 38:50
  Speaker 3: the next summer and got married about three years ago. Whoa, wow.
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: Well, that was, that was, that's a pretty good, that's a,
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: that's a, that's a, that was an abrupt cut too.
• 38:59
  Speaker 3: It was going really well until she ran to get
• 39:02
  Speaker 3: milk about three weeks ago and bumped into him. She
• 39:05
  Speaker 3: left you. She went to get milk and she never
• 39:07
  Speaker 3: came home.
• 39:08
  Speaker 4: He was getting milk the whole time.
• 39:11
  Speaker 3: Completely out of the blue, across the country from our
• 39:13
  Speaker 3: hometown in our neighborhood. Apparently, he got his life together
• 39:17
  Speaker 3: after leaving his dad, went to college, and is now
• 39:20
  Speaker 3: a journalist. My wife currently stays home with our six-month-old
• 39:23
  Speaker 3: while I work a pretty time-intensive job.
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: Oh, God.
• 39:26
  Speaker 4: I'm just, I just can't.
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: This is, that's so, I almost, refuse to believe that
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: that just randomly happened.
• 39:32
  Speaker 3: No, I think he found her. I think he found
• 39:34
  Speaker 3: her on Facebook or something.
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but the devastating part is that if it did
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: just happen randomly, talk about the sign from the universe.
• 39:42
  Speaker 4: Like, how do you ignore that? That's crazy.
• 39:44
  Speaker 3: The universe is telling her she has to explore it.
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: I mean, you could also interpret it as the universe
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: telling you, hey, remember this thing and how much better
• 39:50
  Speaker 1: you are now that you don't have the thing? This
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: is a reminder that what you have is actually good.
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: But I very much doubt that that would.
• 39:56
  Speaker 4: Be the way she interprets it.
• 39:57
  Speaker 3: She's been spending a lot of time with him lately
• 39:59
  Speaker 3: and I don't know what to do. Every time she
• 40:01
  Speaker 3: mentions him or things they did, I can't help but
• 40:04
  Speaker 3: feel extremely jealous and insecure. Like she still prefers him
• 40:08
  Speaker 3: to me. From whatever little she has told me about
• 40:10
  Speaker 3: the relationship, I know he's the complete opposite of me
• 40:14
  Speaker 3: and that's what attracted her to him. What should I do?
• 40:17
  Speaker 4: Oh, no.
• 40:18
  Speaker 3: And we've got an edit.
• 40:20
  Speaker 4: Well, you should tell her exactly what you just said.
• 40:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's pretty crazy for her to, after all these
• 40:27
  Speaker 3: years when you guys have a kid, to see him
• 40:30
  Speaker 3: more than one time. and actively hang out with her ex,
• 40:34
  Speaker 3: who she said, I don't think I'll ever be over,
• 40:37
  Speaker 3: comes back into her life. And then she's like, oh, yeah,
• 40:39
  Speaker 3: I'm going to hang out with him now. He's my
• 40:41
  Speaker 3: friend now.
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And he's the exact opposite of you, which then
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: makes me think like, oh, well, is she with me?
• 40:47
  Speaker 1: Because I was the opposite of him and it was
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: a way for her to get over him.
• 40:52
  Speaker 3: Or maybe vice versa, because she did. OP said that
• 40:55
  Speaker 3: she had a crush on him before ex.
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 40:58
  Speaker 3: Edit, I'd like to add that the child is definitely mine.
• 41:01
  Speaker 3: She was conceived during the lockdown, and neither of us
• 41:04
  Speaker 3: were really leaving the house without the other. The ex-boyfriend
• 41:07
  Speaker 3: showing up was definitely a coincidence, a very specific one,
• 41:11
  Speaker 3: but very plausible given the circumstances. A lot of you
• 41:14
  Speaker 3: seem to be under the impression that my wife is
• 41:16
  Speaker 3: hiding this from me. She is not. Everything I know
• 41:20
  Speaker 3: about them is because she told me. I've also met
• 41:23
  Speaker 3: the ex a couple of times, although not for very long.
• 41:26
  Speaker 3: And relevant comments. Deleted says, have you talked to her
• 41:29
  Speaker 3: about that? Have you ever been invited to hang out
• 41:31
  Speaker 3: with them too? Or is she spending time with them alone?
• 41:34
  Speaker 3: Where do they meet? In public or secluded private places?
• 41:38
  Speaker 3: Do you know what they're talking about? How is she
• 41:40
  Speaker 3: acting with her phone? Do you have access to it?
• 41:42
  Speaker 3: Could you ask her to take a look at the
• 41:43
  Speaker 3: conversation they have? Opie says, they mostly go for walks
• 41:47
  Speaker 3: with the baby and lunch every once in a while.
• 41:49
  Speaker 3: He's been over a couple times, I think. I don't
• 41:51
  Speaker 3: really know what they're talking about, but they've always had
• 41:54
  Speaker 3: a lot of common interests. She's always been very private
• 41:57
  Speaker 3: with her phone before we ever got together and even
• 42:00
  Speaker 3: with her siblings, parents or friends. I definitely don't think
• 42:03
  Speaker 3: she's cheating on me, though. Deleted says the one thing
• 42:06
  Speaker 3: that you should do before you talk to her is
• 42:08
  Speaker 3: think about what she can do to reassure you. What
• 42:11
  Speaker 3: is an acceptable outcome for you and which one is
• 42:14
  Speaker 3: a no go? I think that's a great answer.
• 42:16
  Speaker 4: That's the perfect answer.
• 42:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 42:18
  Speaker 3: What answer would you even accept from your wife? OP says,
• 42:22
  Speaker 3: that's the bit I'm dreading, though. I really, really don't
• 42:25
  Speaker 3: want to have to talk to her about this. I
• 42:27
  Speaker 3: also don't want to control what she does. She'd definitely
• 42:30
  Speaker 3: see the guy less if I asked her to, but
• 42:32
  Speaker 3: that's just never been the dynamic we share.
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: Brother, just tell her exactly what you said about how
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: you feel jealous and insecure that they're hanging out. And
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: not that it's like, and you're bad for it. It's like,
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: I'm just telling you the feelings that I have in
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: my chest.
• 42:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and hopefully, because she's a good partner, she'll say, oh, shoot,
• 42:50
  Speaker 3: I didn't realize I was making you feel this way.
• 42:53
  Speaker 3: Let me put a stop to this on my own terms.
• 42:55
  Speaker 4: Yes, how do we put a stop to this feeling
• 42:58
  Speaker 4: you're having?
• 42:59
  Speaker 3: But we've got an update a month later. Let's see
• 43:02
  Speaker 3: if OP did this.
• 43:03
  Speaker 4: Oh, boy.
• 43:04
  Speaker 3: One month later. It's been a while since I made
• 43:07
  Speaker 3: the post, but I figured I'd update you guys on
• 43:09
  Speaker 3: this anyway, in case someone was still interested. I ended
• 43:12
  Speaker 3: up burying my feelings again and decided to carry on
• 43:15
  Speaker 3: with my life as if nothing happened. No, OP, no!
• 43:20
  Speaker 1: That's the opposite of the thing you were supposed to do.
• 43:23
  Speaker 4: Oh, you silly boy.
• 43:27
  Speaker 3: Yikes. Talking about it to a couple of people on
• 43:31
  Speaker 3: here really helped me pull myself together, at least for
• 43:33
  Speaker 3: the time being. I mean, clearly not. You kept it inside.
• 43:37
  Speaker 4: That's what he pulled. He pulled it all inside and
• 43:39
  Speaker 4: kept it together.
• 43:40
  Speaker 3: Thank you so much for helping. I pulled everything inside
• 43:43
  Speaker 3: and never told anyone my feelings. I did end up
• 43:47
  Speaker 3: going to the park with her and a friend for
• 43:49
  Speaker 3: a bit once and sort of watched their dynamic. Everything
• 43:52
  Speaker 3: seemed normal. She mostly spent time with the baby and
• 43:55
  Speaker 3: he was just sort of there keeping her company. Things
• 43:57
  Speaker 3: had mostly gone back to normal when she called me
• 43:59
  Speaker 3: at work and asked me to come home early. She'd
• 44:03
  Speaker 3: never done this before and sounded pretty shaky. So I
• 44:06
  Speaker 3: left almost immediately. I think she feels guilty. I think
• 44:11
  Speaker 3: she did something and she feels guilty.
• 44:13
  Speaker 4: I sure hope not.
• 44:15
  Speaker 3: Or maybe he kissed her and she was like, oh, whoa, no,
• 44:19
  Speaker 3: stop it. And then he was like, oh, I have
• 44:21
  Speaker 3: feelings for you. And she's like, no, I don't want that.
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, he admitted that this was all a scheme. And
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: he was like, I took this journalism job here because
• 44:27
  Speaker 1: I knew this is where you live.
• 44:28
  Speaker 3: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I got home to
• 44:30
  Speaker 3: find her having a breakdown in the apartment. Oh, I
• 44:33
  Speaker 3: see you. I see you. Well, one of her old
• 44:36
  Speaker 3: friends from her old job was there with the baby. Apparently,
• 44:40
  Speaker 3: this guy had confessed his feelings to her. He said
• 44:44
  Speaker 3: that he had loved her since they first started seeing
• 44:46
  Speaker 3: each other, but it never felt like he was good enough.
• 44:49
  Speaker 3: And now, because he had made something of himself, he
• 44:52
  Speaker 3: finally felt worthy. He also said that he wasn't planning
• 44:55
  Speaker 3: on saying anything originally, but had decided to because he
• 44:58
  Speaker 3: felt that I was very detached, which was because of
• 45:01
  Speaker 3: my anxiety. He had been offered a really good job abroad,
• 45:04
  Speaker 3: which he was willing to turn down for her. She
• 45:06
  Speaker 3: promptly told him to F off, but ended up having
• 45:09
  Speaker 3: a breakdown because she realized that she had essentially lost
• 45:12
  Speaker 3: touch with most of her friends, didn't really enjoy spending
• 45:15
  Speaker 3: time with the women in her mommy group, and had
• 45:18
  Speaker 3: noticed that I was being a bit distant. What do
• 45:20
  Speaker 3: you do here?
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: Well, I think it's clear that the hangout is a
• 45:25
  Speaker 1: no-go moving forward.
• 45:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, it seems like she's done with him.
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: I think you can let those inside thoughts out and
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: just let her know how it made you feel and
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: that you don't feel like she's done anything wrong.
• 45:37
  Speaker 3: Especially not now that you know that she denied him.
• 45:40
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 45:41
  Speaker 1: It's like you just say, hey, we're going to move
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: forward from this strong together.
• 45:47
  Speaker 3: You know, looking at it with this perspective, it seems
• 45:49
  Speaker 3: like she lost touch. They moved from away from their hometown.
• 45:54
  Speaker 3: She lost touch with all of her previous friends. Only
• 45:58
  Speaker 3: had her husband is, you know, stay at home mom.
• 46:02
  Speaker 3: And then this person from her old life comes and
• 46:05
  Speaker 3: is interested in hanging out with her. And she sees
• 46:08
  Speaker 3: it as a chance to reconnect with this, you know,
• 46:11
  Speaker 3: childhood that she had. But now is realizing that she
• 46:15
  Speaker 3: doesn't have any connection to that.
• 46:16
  Speaker 4: Yeah, it's realizing, oh wow, new life. I'm in the
• 46:20
  Speaker 4: new life. This was the old life.
• 46:22
  Speaker 5: And I need new friends.
• 46:24
  Speaker 3: We had a really, really long talk that day. And
• 46:27
  Speaker 3: I also showed her the post I'd made as well
• 46:28
  Speaker 3: as some of the chats I'd had with someone here.
• 46:30
  Speaker 3: She was very understanding and called me silly for not
• 46:33
  Speaker 3: just talking to her. I agree. So we've basically decided
• 46:37
  Speaker 3: that I should cut back a bit on my work
• 46:38
  Speaker 3: hours and she's got to try to reconnect with her
• 46:41
  Speaker 3: friends a bit more. Currently, we're back in our hometown
• 46:43
  Speaker 3: so we can see our families again and they can
• 46:45
  Speaker 3: meet the baby for the first time. Exciting. My wife's
• 46:48
  Speaker 3: doing much better and she's already reconnected with a couple
• 46:51
  Speaker 3: of her old friends. And that's the end of the story. Wonderful.
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: My life changed after motherhood and so did my marriage.
• 47:00
  Speaker 4: That's life.
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: My nickname has been Barbie since I was a teenager.
• 47:05
  Speaker 1: Back then, I was pretty thin, tan, and had long
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: blonde hair, and my signature color was pink.
• 47:10
  Speaker 4: Like Barbie?
• 47:11
  Speaker 3: Or legally blonde. Maybe you should be called Elle Woods.
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: I was involved in beauty pageants from the time I
• 47:18
  Speaker 1: was a kid through my early 20s, and the nickname
• 47:20
  Speaker 1: was first given to me by people I knew in
• 47:22
  Speaker 1: the pageant world. Somehow, over time, more people started calling
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: me that, and by the time I was in high school,
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: everyone called me Barbie. My husband was the Ken to
• 47:31
  Speaker 1: my Barbie. In school, he was the popular guy, the
• 47:35
  Speaker 1: prom king, and yes, he had blonde hair too and
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: a perfect smile. Once we met and got together, which
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: wasn't until I was in college, everyone started calling.
• 47:44
  Speaker 4: Us Barbie and Ken. We liked being the couple.
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: I mean, I always thought our relationship was deeper than
• 47:52
  Speaker 1: surface level, but I admit I liked the superficial parts
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: of being together too. I liked being that couple. It
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: was like part of my identity. I liked the image
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: of who we were and how we looked together. We
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: just celebrated our five-year wedding anniversary. Recently, I had two
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: babies pretty much back to back. I got pregnant with
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: my second when the first was under six months old.
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: and they're now 18 months and 4 months. I feel
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: like my entire sense of self has just disappeared.
• 48:21
  Speaker 4: Motherhood!
• 48:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that is what I've heard happens a lot of times.
• 48:27
  Speaker 1: By the way, this comes from Throwaway Barbie Doll. If
• 48:29
  Speaker 1: you want to submit your own stories, go to the
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: r slash ok story time subreddit.
• 48:32
  Speaker 4: I'm Dakota.
• 48:32
  Speaker 3: I'm Sophia.
• 48:33
  Speaker 4: And we're going to read this.
• 48:34
  Speaker 1: Little Barbie Doll story, and we're going to have our thoughts,
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: and you get to have yours, and put them in
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: the comments. We're going to tell you ours right now,
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: but just know we don't know everything.
• 48:41
  Speaker 4: And Opie says.
• 48:43
  Speaker 1: My days right now are basically feeding, washing, everything, nap
• 48:48
  Speaker 1: schedules that don't line up, and running the same load
• 48:50
  Speaker 1: of laundry three times because I keep forgetting to put
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: it in the dryer on time. I know that's all
• 48:55
  Speaker 1: normal for having really young kids. I live in oversized t-shirts.
• 48:59
  Speaker 1: In fact, the one I've been wearing for days is
• 49:02
  Speaker 1: an old Christmas-themed shirt of my husband's. I don't fit
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: into any of my old clothes. I'm like three pants
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: sizes bigger than before. I've tried buying new clothes, but
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: nothing looks the same on me anymore, and I'm confused
• 49:13
  Speaker 1: about what looks good on me when I used to
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: be able to wear anything. What's really bothering me is
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: the shift... in how my husband and i interact it's
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: not like it's been big fights or anything like that
• 49:25
  Speaker 1: he eats dinner earlier now usually standing at the kitchen
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: counter while scrolling his phone we talk less about anything
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: personal i don't think we really talk about anything personal
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: anymore actually It's all logistics, like who's going to run
• 49:38
  Speaker 1: and get diapers. If I bring up feeling overwhelmed, he
• 49:41
  Speaker 1: just says I should try to get more sleep.
• 49:43
  Speaker 3: When?
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: We sit on the couch together at night but barely
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: actually talk. Nothing dramatic has happened. He still goes to work,
• 49:50
  Speaker 1: he helps with the kids, he still says he loves me,
• 49:52
  Speaker 1: but lately he started saying things like I've changed since
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: having kids.
• 49:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that happens. That's, yes. Having three children come out
• 50:03
  Speaker 3: of your, oh, sorry. Having two children come out of
• 50:05
  Speaker 3: your womb does tend to change.
• 50:08
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah, and even without that, people change every day.
• 50:11
  Speaker 3: Yes, also that. And if you cannot, it's a really
• 50:15
  Speaker 3: good quote. And it was like, how have you been?
• 50:18
  Speaker 3: It was talking to this old man. It was like,
• 50:19
  Speaker 3: how have you had a relationship with your wife for
• 50:22
  Speaker 3: 60 years? And he was like, I learned that I
• 50:25
  Speaker 3: had to love the new parts. I wasn't in love
• 50:29
  Speaker 3: with the same person. I was loving this new person constantly.
• 50:33
  Speaker 3: And I was learning to re-love this new person constantly.
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: He says, I'm more emotional, I'm more critical, I'm harder
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: to talk to, and not like the person he married.
• 50:42
  Speaker 3: That's so crazy to be like, why is the person
• 50:45
  Speaker 3: who just had two kids more emotional?
• 50:48
  Speaker 4: Like just popped one out four months ago.
• 50:51
  Speaker 3: What could possibly be causing that?
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: He's probably right in some ways. I just can't help
• 50:58
  Speaker 1: thinking it's more than that, though. I feel like something
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: changed in how he treats me when I stopped being
• 51:04
  Speaker 1: the Barbie version of myself. Now I'm tired, messy, forgetful,
• 51:08
  Speaker 1: behind on everything. I don't dress up, I don't wear makeup,
• 51:12
  Speaker 1: and my hair is never styled. I feel like I'm
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: being seen and treated differently because of that.
• 51:17
  Speaker 3: I mean, pretty privilege.
• 51:18
  Speaker 1: I don't know if this is just a normal adjustment
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: period that would be expected for raising two babies under two,
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: or if there's something bigger going on.
• 51:25
  Speaker 4: Well, girly pop could be both.
• 51:27
  Speaker 3: I agree.
• 51:28
  Speaker 1: And let this be a warning, the dangers of hinging
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: your entire world and your identity on your looks.
• 51:37
  Speaker 3: Yes, I do agree with that, because it seems like
• 51:40
  Speaker 3: OP has said multiple times my identity.
• 51:42
  Speaker 4: It doesn't justify how your husband's acting, but.
• 51:44
  Speaker 3: Well, more so, I was just going to say, I
• 51:46
  Speaker 3: think that a lot of women, almost every woman that
• 51:49
  Speaker 3: I've talked to who has had children has talked about
• 51:53
  Speaker 3: this huge adjustment period of not looking the way they
• 51:56
  Speaker 3: did pre-birth. So it is a thing that's super common, OP.
• 52:01
  Speaker 3: And also, it seems like you might have to relearn
• 52:04
  Speaker 3: who you are without this Barbie persona.
• 52:08
  Speaker 1: I'm really worried that this is a sign of something bigger,
• 52:12
  Speaker 1: and I just didn't see it. Or didn't want to
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: admit until now. I'm worried our relationship was always built
• 52:18
  Speaker 1: on superficial things and an image and nothing deeper than that.
• 52:22
  Speaker 1: This isn't even like a bad situation. It's difficult, but
• 52:25
  Speaker 1: it should be a happy type of difficult. What would
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: happen if we really had to go through something bad
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: together in life?
• 52:32
  Speaker 3: What happens when you get old?
• 52:33
  Speaker 1: How do you tell the difference between just natural relationship
• 52:36
  Speaker 1: changes after having kids... And the idea that my relationship
• 52:39
  Speaker 1: only worked when we were pretending to be these idealized
• 52:43
  Speaker 1: version of ourselves like props for the other person.
• 52:47
  Speaker 3: Dang, OP is having a crisis.
• 52:50
  Speaker 4: Have you ever spoken that out loud to your husband?
• 52:54
  Speaker 3: That's the type of thing that she's afraid of, though.
• 52:56
  Speaker 3: You know, it's the type of thing that you just
• 52:58
  Speaker 3: keep in the back of your mind. You're like, oh,
• 53:00
  Speaker 3: does my partner only like me because I'm pretty?
• 53:03
  Speaker 4: Yeah, that's horrific.
• 53:06
  Speaker 3: The only way to know the difference is to talk
• 53:08
  Speaker 3: to your husband. And if he gives you a non-answer,
• 53:11
  Speaker 3: it might be because he sees you as the idealized version.
• 53:16
  Speaker 4: Yeah, you were much less difficult when you were the
• 53:18
  Speaker 4: plastic girl version of yourself.
• 53:20
  Speaker 3: Why are you thinking so deeply? We used to not think.
• 53:24
  Speaker 4: There's an update.
• 53:26
  Speaker 1: On Father's Day, we did some special stuff for Father's Day.
• 53:30
  Speaker 1: He even semi-broke his diet for the special occasion, but
• 53:34
  Speaker 1: only semi-special. In the afternoon, both babies were napping at
• 53:37
  Speaker 1: the same time, which doesn't happen often despite my best efforts.
• 53:41
  Speaker 4: He really wanted to have some spicy time.
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: We used to do some spicy stuff all the time
• 53:47
  Speaker 1: and still did pretty frequently after our son was born,
• 53:50
  Speaker 1: who was the 18-month-old. It only happens maybe once or
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: twice a week now because I'm just tired and never
• 53:55
  Speaker 1: in the mood. He has not been rejecting me, but
• 54:00
  Speaker 1: when it does happen, it's actually one thing he's not
• 54:03
  Speaker 1: selfish about. If anything, I'm trying to turn it into
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: a quickie and he wants to do everything for me.
• 54:09
  Speaker 1: If I have free time, I want to sleep. So
• 54:11
  Speaker 1: I resisted for a while, but he promised me he'd
• 54:15
  Speaker 1: give me some amazing spice to help relax me.
• 54:19
  Speaker 4: I figured, okay, it's Father's Day. We actually had.
• 54:22
  Speaker 1: Some fantastic spicy sleep and I was so relaxed and
• 54:25
  Speaker 1: sleepy afterwards. One of the kids woke up and he
• 54:28
  Speaker 1: told me to sleep and he'd handle it. I ended
• 54:30
  Speaker 1: up sleeping for three hours straight in the middle of
• 54:32
  Speaker 1: the day and it was divine. I woke up from
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: that nap and realized I should be getting these naps
• 54:38
  Speaker 1: every weekend. I should be getting more breaks in time
• 54:40
  Speaker 1: to myself. I don't know why it's been so hard.
• 54:44
  Speaker 4: For me to voice that.
• 54:45
  Speaker 1: I know that part of me wanted him to realize
• 54:48
  Speaker 1: it himself without being told. I wanted him to offer
• 54:51
  Speaker 1: or step up or whatever you want to call it.
• 54:54
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to have to tell him. I was
• 54:57
  Speaker 1: probably being too stubborn about that. I woke up from
• 55:00
  Speaker 1: the nap and when I went out to the living room,
• 55:02
  Speaker 1: I told him immediately that I need a nap like
• 55:04
  Speaker 1: that every weekend.
• 55:05
  Speaker 4: He said, okay. I said, no, I'm serious.
• 55:08
  Speaker 1: And he needs to promise me he'll let me sleep
• 55:11
  Speaker 1: for a few hours uninterrupted every weekend day when he's home.
• 55:14
  Speaker 4: He said, okay, like it was nothing. And then I
• 55:16
  Speaker 4: just kept going.
• 55:18
  Speaker 1: I told him I need more help, not outside help,
• 55:20
  Speaker 1: as I'm not comfortable with people coming into the house
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: and cleaning or taking care of my kids when I'm there.
• 55:25
  Speaker 4: I want him to do it.
• 55:27
  Speaker 1: I want him to either wake up in the morning
• 55:28
  Speaker 1: and do some chores before he goes to the gym,
• 55:31
  Speaker 1: even if that means he has to wake up at
• 55:32
  Speaker 1: 4 a.m.
• 55:33
  Speaker 4: Now, because I'm up at that time.
• 55:36
  Speaker 1: I don't even want to go to the gym, but
• 55:37
  Speaker 1: if he wants me to look like I used to,
• 55:39
  Speaker 1: I'd like to be able to get up at 4 a.m.
• 55:41
  Speaker 1: riding the Peloton while he does chores or takes care
• 55:44
  Speaker 1: of anyone who is awake and needs fed or changed
• 55:46
  Speaker 1: during that time.
• 55:47
  Speaker 4: He just said, I can do that, like it was nothing.
• 55:51
  Speaker 1: I asked him if it's nothing, why am I having
• 55:53
  Speaker 1: to ask for it?
• 55:54
  Speaker 3: Oh, P, you have to ask... I understand how frustrating
• 55:59
  Speaker 3: it is to feel like people should just know that
• 56:03
  Speaker 3: they need to do something. But sometimes people don't know.
• 56:07
  Speaker 3: And sometimes all you need to do is ask.
• 56:10
  Speaker 1: He said he just didn't think of it. He's not
• 56:13
  Speaker 1: a mind reader.
• 56:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah, this guy actually seems like a green flag.
• 56:17
  Speaker 1: I don't expect him to be a mind reader, but
• 56:19
  Speaker 1: how hard is it to comprehend that your wife, who
• 56:21
  Speaker 1: is with your two babies all day long, might need
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: a little more help?
• 56:24
  Speaker 3: No, I understand why you're upset and it is frustrating,
• 56:27
  Speaker 3: but also it seems that your husband just needs a
• 56:30
  Speaker 3: little bit of a clue inside your head.
• 56:34
  Speaker 1: This is the part where you just go, oh, okay,
• 56:36
  Speaker 1: thank you. Yesterday, when he got home from work, I
• 56:39
  Speaker 1: was dressed and ready to go.
• 56:41
  Speaker 4: He walked in the.
• 56:42
  Speaker 1: Door and I told him I was going to get
• 56:44
  Speaker 1: my hair done and I'd be home whenever. I didn't
• 56:46
  Speaker 1: know how long it would take. I gave him a
• 56:48
  Speaker 1: rundown on who had last ate and been changed and
• 56:50
  Speaker 1: napped and when and by. He did have to text
• 56:53
  Speaker 1: me once or twice to ask where some things were,
• 56:55
  Speaker 1: but everything was fine. I decided that I don't need
• 56:57
  Speaker 1: to keep trying to be the same me with the
• 56:59
  Speaker 1: same look I've had for years.
• 57:01
  Speaker 2: Woo!
• 57:01
  Speaker 4: Woo!
• 57:02
  Speaker 3: Honestly, this is like amazing. This is going so well.
• 57:06
  Speaker 4: I got about seven inches cut off my hair.
• 57:09
  Speaker 1: I haven't had my hair done professionally in over six months,
• 57:12
  Speaker 1: and I used to be there all the time, like
• 57:15
  Speaker 1: every two months. I just wanted something that actually looked
• 57:18
  Speaker 1: styled and cute. Plus, it's still below my shoulders, so
• 57:21
  Speaker 1: it's not super short, but easier to maintain now. My God,
• 57:24
  Speaker 1: you chopped off seven inches and it's still below the shoulder?
• 57:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, she probably had long. I mean, she hasn't been
• 57:29
  Speaker 3: in six months and she probably had hair like I'm
• 57:32
  Speaker 3: imagining to hear.
• 57:33
  Speaker 4: I walked in the door and he was like, you
• 57:35
  Speaker 4: look like a mom.
• 57:37
  Speaker 3: Grrr.
• 57:38
  Speaker 1: It didn't feel good. But at the same time, I
• 57:41
  Speaker 1: just told him I am a mom. And if he
• 57:43
  Speaker 1: doesn't like it, that's tough. He is the one who
• 57:45
  Speaker 1: made me a mom.
• 57:46
  Speaker 4: He said he was just joking and he liked it.
• 57:48
  Speaker 4: It looked really good.
• 57:49
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it really does seem like this guy is trying
• 57:52
  Speaker 3: to be a little kidster, trying to rib her, and
• 57:55
  Speaker 3: she is just hormonally and sleep-wise not there. She cannot
• 58:02
  Speaker 3: handle the jokes right now. She's like, please do not
• 58:04
  Speaker 3: joke with me. I just need you to say I
• 58:05
  Speaker 3: look good, okay?
• 58:07
  Speaker 1: I don't know if I believe him, but I like it,
• 58:09
  Speaker 1: and that should be all that matters. Tonight I told
• 58:12
  Speaker 1: him that, one, I need him to do some chores,
• 58:14
  Speaker 1: and I'm making him a chore chart like he's a
• 58:16
  Speaker 1: little boy.
• 58:16
  Speaker 4: He said that was okay.
• 58:19
  Speaker 1: And he admitted he is like a little boy and
• 58:20
  Speaker 1: needs to be told what to do. I told him
• 58:23
  Speaker 1: that whatever sort of wacky diet eating, like 500 calories
• 58:26
  Speaker 1: a day he wants to do, is whatever, but he
• 58:28
  Speaker 1: needs to start helping prepare food for me, because I'm
• 58:31
  Speaker 1: not eating well, and I'm not losing weight, and I
• 58:33
  Speaker 1: want to lose weight. I told him I don't really
• 58:35
  Speaker 1: want to step on the scale in front of him, though.
• 58:37
  Speaker 1: He said I was the one who kept going on
• 58:39
  Speaker 1: about being fat and wanting to lose weight. He's not wrong.
• 58:42
  Speaker 1: I've already told him that tomorrow we're having a serious
• 58:46
  Speaker 1: conversation about all of this. Yeah.
• 58:48
  Speaker 3: OP, it's solved, girl.
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: It's just so funny that OP's vibe is just still
• 58:54
  Speaker 1: like very like militant. And he's just so clearly, totally
• 59:00
  Speaker 1: open to anything she's asking.
• 59:02
  Speaker 3: It's low-key a bit like when your parent is talking
• 59:05
  Speaker 3: to you and they're like, you're in big trouble, like
• 59:07
  Speaker 3: no phone for a week. And you're like, okay.
• 59:10
  Speaker 4: We're having a serious conversation about all this tomorrow.
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: What we both need from each other right now when
• 59:15
  Speaker 1: he gets home from work. I had originally told him
• 59:17
  Speaker 1: I wanted to do that tonight, but he had to
• 59:19
  Speaker 1: work until seven tonight. So I knew he'd be too
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: tired and likely right in the middle of my son's
• 59:23
  Speaker 1: bedtime routine when he got home. So tomorrow is when
• 59:26
  Speaker 1: I'm going to really put it all on the table.
• 59:29
  Speaker 1: I'm not ready to say anything like I'm considering divorce.
• 59:32
  Speaker 3: Please don't say that. He seems like so on your
• 59:34
  Speaker 3: side here.
• 59:35
  Speaker 4: Opie continues. Yeah.
• 59:38
  Speaker 1: Or thinking of divorcing him if XYZ doesn't happen, because
• 59:40
  Speaker 1: that'd be a lie. I'm not even thinking of divorce.
• 59:42
  Speaker 1: The only reason I'm even mentioning divorce here is because
• 59:44
  Speaker 1: there were several comments about it on my previous post,
• 59:47
  Speaker 1: which is crazy. But if you were me, what would
• 59:49
  Speaker 1: you say? And what would you ask of your partner?
• 59:52
  Speaker 3: Well, first on, I want you to take a deep breath.
• 59:54
  Speaker 3: Take a deep breath and realize he has said yes
• 59:56
  Speaker 3: to everything that you've asked. So maybe approach the conversation
• 59:59
  Speaker 3: with a little bit more kindness.
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, I think ease up on the whole like,
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 1: and this is how it's going to be. It's like,
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 1: I think he's made it clear that he's open to
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 1: helping you and compromising wherever needs be compromised. So let's be,
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 1: let's just be like thumbs up about it instead of like, Mr.
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 3: Ken.
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 5: If you want me to be Barbie, then you need
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 5: to do it.
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 4: And it's like, I don't think.
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 3: He wants you to be Barbie. From everything that we've
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 3: learned about this guy, I think that it seems like
• 1:00:32
  Speaker 3: you are placing a lot of emphasis on this identity
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 3: and thinking that everyone else does too. And that's the
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 3: only good thing about you. But that doesn't seem like
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 3: that's the case. And it seems like your husband sees
• 1:00:45
  Speaker 3: more to you.
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 1: Could be a product of your mind alone. Yeah, I
• 1:00:51
  Speaker 1: would ask him what he thinks about that.
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 4: Yeah, but that's good. Net positive.
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 1: And that's the end of this story. Let's head to
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 1: the next one. Hey, it's Dakota, your favorite goofball host here.
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 1: And we're going to get back to the stories, but
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 1: here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors.
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 3: My wife refused to spend my money and insists on
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 3: paying half of everything.
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 4: Nice, dude. You won.
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 3: My wife and I have been together for a long time. However,
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 3: over the years, we've started to develop a huge income gap.
• 1:01:24
  Speaker 3: I got very lucky in a startup, and my career
• 1:01:26
  Speaker 3: is currently paying about $ 200, 000, five times the national median
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 3: income a year, while she's making a little over $ 20, 000.
• 1:01:36
  Speaker 3: Now you would say, great, 200K family income is pretty great.
• 1:01:39
  Speaker 3: And you'd be right. However, this is where issues are
• 1:01:42
  Speaker 3: starting to happen. My better half has a huge problem
• 1:01:45
  Speaker 3: with our income gap. She's insisting she pulls her own weight.
• 1:01:49
  Speaker 3: This is caused by some issues in her past and
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 3: her family pretty much telling her this is the way
• 1:01:53
  Speaker 3: to do it from a young age. This wouldn't be
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 3: a problem. if we would be making a wage that
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 3: is roughly comparable. However, this is clearly not the case anymore.
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 3: In my opinion, I have zero issues with paying for
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 3: pretty much everything. My take-home is about 9k a month.
• 1:02:08
  Speaker 3: Her take-home is about 1.3k a month. And I can
• 1:02:11
  Speaker 3: easily afford a comfortable life for both of us, even
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 3: if she stops working. The problem is arising now that
• 1:02:17
  Speaker 3: I want us to move to a nicer house. And
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 3: she's insisting she pays for 50% of everything. That's just
• 1:02:25
  Speaker 3: not realistic.
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 4: That's just not what's happening.
• 1:02:29
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I honestly just talk to her and be like, hey,
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 3: let's do equitable. Let's do, you know, 50% of whatever
• 1:02:36
  Speaker 3: is fair for you and 50% of whatever is fair
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 3: for me.
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be a big thing. I just
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 1: make 10 times more than you. So it doesn't, the
• 1:02:45
  Speaker 1: math doesn't math that you put in 50%.
• 1:02:53
  Speaker 3: Like she has done in the past five years, more
• 1:02:55
  Speaker 3: on that later. The new house would cost per month
• 1:02:58
  Speaker 3: more than $ 3, 000, which means she'd have to spend 100%
• 1:03:01
  Speaker 3: of her pay, according to her, on mortgage and she's
• 1:03:05
  Speaker 3: refusing to go along with it. I even offered her
• 1:03:07
  Speaker 3: that she pays the exact same as now. But in
• 1:03:10
  Speaker 3: her words, it would make her feel uncomfortable. By the way,
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 3: this comes from throwaway32653256. And if you want to submit
• 1:03:17
  Speaker 3: your own stories, go to the r slash ok story
• 1:03:19
  Speaker 3: time subreddit. I'm Sophia.
• 1:03:21
  Speaker 4: I'm Dakota.
• 1:03:21
  Speaker 3: And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we
• 1:03:24
  Speaker 3: don't have all the answers. We only know what we do.
• 1:03:26
  Speaker 3: So let us know what you would do in the comments.
• 1:03:28
  Speaker 3: And OP says... That little sentence makes me worry about
• 1:03:31
  Speaker 3: something else. What she doesn't know is that for the
• 1:03:34
  Speaker 3: past five years, I pretty much match whatever she's paying
• 1:03:37
  Speaker 3: into a bank account she doesn't know about. That account
• 1:03:40
  Speaker 3: has about 60K in it. And with investing that money,
• 1:03:43
  Speaker 3: it's returning about 6% interest annually. I consider this money
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 3: to be hers. Okay, so.
• 1:03:48
  Speaker 4: Secret savings account.
• 1:03:50
  Speaker 3: But into a bank account she doesn't... No, it's he's.
• 1:03:53
  Speaker 1: Just been taking money and matching what she's been spending
• 1:03:56
  Speaker 1: and then putting it into a different, into a holdings
• 1:03:58
  Speaker 1: account and has invested it and it's making money.
• 1:04:01
  Speaker 3: Yeah, no, yeah.
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 4: Gotcha.
• 1:04:03
  Speaker 3: I consider this money to be hers. I worry that
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 3: when she finds out, all heck will break loose. My
• 1:04:08
  Speaker 3: question to you guys is how in the name of
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 3: whatever deity you prefer do I deal with this? The
• 1:04:14
  Speaker 3: income gap and the fat savings account. I try talking
• 1:04:17
  Speaker 3: to her. I try talking to her family. A next
• 1:04:20
  Speaker 3: step would be to talk to a therapist. I am
• 1:04:22
  Speaker 3: currently sitting on nearly half a million in cash investments
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 3: that I cannot really use because of her unwillingness to
• 1:04:28
  Speaker 3: spend money. I cannot go on a super expensive vacation
• 1:04:32
  Speaker 3: with her because she wants to pay half. We've gone
• 1:04:35
  Speaker 3: camping for the past four years. I have a decent car,
• 1:04:38
  Speaker 3: so no point spending it there. How can I make
• 1:04:41
  Speaker 3: her understand that her stubbornness of wanting to be true
• 1:04:44
  Speaker 3: financial equals and spending isn't working out for me? I
• 1:04:48
  Speaker 3: love this woman dearly, and I am convinced that she
• 1:04:51
  Speaker 3: feels the same about me. A divorce would bring her nothing.
• 1:04:54
  Speaker 3: Strong prenup, updated annually with the fully legal clean break clause.
• 1:04:59
  Speaker 3: And that would also be the last thing I want.
• 1:05:01
  Speaker 3: One thing I have been considering is just accepting this
• 1:05:04
  Speaker 3: for a few more years until I save up to
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 3: reserve that I can retire early, which would be another
• 1:05:09
  Speaker 3: 7 to 10 years, or just buying the house with
• 1:05:12
  Speaker 3: a mortgage that is the same monthly amount as we
• 1:05:15
  Speaker 3: have now, and the rest cash. However... That would be
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 3: a bad financial decision on my part. 6-7% return on capital, 2.7%
• 1:05:23
  Speaker 3: mortgage rate. Edit, I feel I need to clear some
• 1:05:27
  Speaker 3: things up as pretty much everyone is making the wrong assumptions.
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 3: The annual prenup update is her idea. Yeah, I thought
• 1:05:33
  Speaker 3: it was. I assumed when you said there was an
• 1:05:36
  Speaker 3: annual prenup, based off of her behavior, that she was
• 1:05:40
  Speaker 3: the one.
• 1:05:40
  Speaker 4: Yeah, she is the one in prenup city.
• 1:05:43
  Speaker 3: It's quite sad that some of you think that I
• 1:05:45
  Speaker 3: would want that. Did you not read the post? If
• 1:05:47
  Speaker 3: it were up to me, we'd tear it up today.
• 1:05:49
  Speaker 3: Annual prenups and prenups in general are a very common
• 1:05:53
  Speaker 3: thing where we live. The government is even considering making
• 1:05:56
  Speaker 3: it the default type of marriage. Edit two. So far,
• 1:05:59
  Speaker 3: most of you are useless because you're drawing advice from
• 1:06:01
  Speaker 3: the wrong assumptions. You people need to learn that it's
• 1:06:04
  Speaker 3: not always the higher income partner driving the prenup. And edit,
• 1:06:08
  Speaker 3: after reading most posts, a lot of you owe me
• 1:06:09
  Speaker 3: an apology.
• 1:06:11
  Speaker 4: Okay, well, here's what I would say.
• 1:06:15
  Speaker 1: Like just have her open a tab you say it's
• 1:06:19
  Speaker 1: all right babe we'll do this vacation you'll pay what
• 1:06:23
  Speaker 1: you're what you can afford and we'll put the rest
• 1:06:26
  Speaker 1: on your tab and then when she.
• 1:06:27
  Speaker 3: Says oh i have to pay off my job you're like.
• 1:06:29
  Speaker 1: Uh-huh it's like because you're not gonna have this job
• 1:06:32
  Speaker 1: for the rest of your life you know who knows
• 1:06:34
  Speaker 1: maybe one day you'll be making four hundred thousand dollars
• 1:06:36
  Speaker 1: a year and i'll be making two hundred who knows Edit.
• 1:06:39
  Speaker 3: Four, I will also be talking to my wife tonight.
• 1:06:41
  Speaker 3: Thank those of you who didn't assume the wrong conclusion
• 1:06:44
  Speaker 3: and help me. We got an update nine days later.
• 1:06:47
  Speaker 4: Oh boy. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
• 1:06:50
  Speaker 3: Let's see if he could convince her to let him
• 1:06:53
  Speaker 3: share his money.
• 1:06:54
  Speaker 4: Let him shower her with gifts.
• 1:06:57
  Speaker 3: After she came home from work, we winded down a
• 1:06:59
  Speaker 3: bit as we always do after a long work week.
• 1:07:01
  Speaker 3: And after talking a bit about work, I told her
• 1:07:03
  Speaker 3: we needed to have a serious talk. She thought the
• 1:07:05
  Speaker 3: worst right away, but I assured her there was nothing
• 1:07:08
  Speaker 3: to worry about. I explained the situation about our finances
• 1:07:11
  Speaker 3: and that I had asked a neutral party for advice.
• 1:07:14
  Speaker 3: She had no clue what Reddit is, so I just
• 1:07:16
  Speaker 3: named you guys the neutral party. I explained to her
• 1:07:19
  Speaker 3: that I was unhappy with the current situation where I
• 1:07:21
  Speaker 3: have a huge pot of gold just sitting there, but
• 1:07:23
  Speaker 3: I have to live like I was on welfare. I
• 1:07:25
  Speaker 3: explained to her that I wanted to live more comfortably,
• 1:07:28
  Speaker 3: but not without her and not without her being happy.
• 1:07:31
  Speaker 3: She told me she had no idea that I felt
• 1:07:33
  Speaker 3: that way and that she was happy the way we were.
• 1:07:36
  Speaker 3: I explained the situation as I explained to you guys before.
• 1:07:39
  Speaker 3: and told her about the savings and investment account made
• 1:07:41
  Speaker 3: with the money she was contributing to the shared finances,
• 1:07:44
  Speaker 3: and that I considered that money hers. Well, call me
• 1:07:47
  Speaker 3: an idiot, but she knew about the money, just not
• 1:07:50
  Speaker 3: that it was hers. She thought that it was some
• 1:07:52
  Speaker 3: kind of small pot of money that I played with
• 1:07:55
  Speaker 3: or had a special purpose for outside the normal finances.
• 1:07:58
  Speaker 3: Let's just say she was, as you guys imagined, not
• 1:08:02
  Speaker 3: too pleased about the fact that it matched what she
• 1:08:04
  Speaker 3: was contributing. The talk ended there on Friday evening. It
• 1:08:08
  Speaker 3: was too emotional for her and we decided to continue
• 1:08:11
  Speaker 3: on Saturday. Why? Like nothing bad is going on here.
• 1:08:17
  Speaker 3: Your husband just told you, hey, I'm giving you money.
• 1:08:21
  Speaker 3: I want to share money. I've been saving money that
• 1:08:24
  Speaker 3: you've been contributing so that I can give it back
• 1:08:27
  Speaker 3: to you.
• 1:08:28
  Speaker 1: It'd be different if she was just like, I don't
• 1:08:31
  Speaker 1: want you to buy me things. I don't want, but
• 1:08:33
  Speaker 1: it's like, You can't even go on like a nice
• 1:08:36
  Speaker 1: vacation because she's like, well, then it wouldn't be equal.
• 1:08:39
  Speaker 4: And it's like, it doesn't have to be.
• 1:08:42
  Speaker 3: Saturday came and I told her it would be better
• 1:08:44
  Speaker 3: to discuss further with a relationship therapist. And she agreed.
• 1:08:47
  Speaker 3: I made a few calls and we were planning for
• 1:08:49
  Speaker 3: last Wednesday.
• 1:08:50
  Speaker 1: I mean, my bet would be that she's just really
• 1:08:54
  Speaker 1: like she has this thing internalized where she's petrified.
• 1:08:58
  Speaker 4: This will be hellfire. over her in some way.
• 1:09:02
  Speaker 3: Saturday to Wednesday were uneventful and we both mostly shut
• 1:09:05
  Speaker 3: up about the situation. Wednesday and Friday, we had the
• 1:09:08
  Speaker 3: appointment with the relationship therapist. While I will leave the
• 1:09:11
  Speaker 3: small things out here, the two main topics discussed were
• 1:09:15
  Speaker 3: reasons for her views on shared finances, spending, having tons
• 1:09:18
  Speaker 3: of money. spending patterns, contributions to shared finances. So lo
• 1:09:23
  Speaker 3: and behold, the monkey came out of the sleeve. That's
• 1:09:26
  Speaker 3: a saying we have here, meaning the truth is finally revealed.
• 1:09:29
  Speaker 4: The monkey is free from its sleeve.
• 1:09:32
  Speaker 3: Before I met her, it turns out she and her
• 1:09:33
  Speaker 3: family had a huge battle with debt. Her parents used
• 1:09:37
  Speaker 3: to be ridiculously poor due to bad choices in life.
• 1:09:40
  Speaker 3: Nothing substance related, but before you ask, just very poor
• 1:09:44
  Speaker 3: financial choices. And they lived in near poverty for about
• 1:09:47
  Speaker 3: a decade.
• 1:09:48
  Speaker 4: They put everything they had into beanie babies in the
• 1:09:50
  Speaker 4: late 90s.
• 1:09:51
  Speaker 3: This was compounded by her having an ex-boyfriend before we
• 1:09:54
  Speaker 3: met that paid for everything, but expected complete and utter
• 1:09:57
  Speaker 3: control over her in return. I think we can all
• 1:10:00
  Speaker 3: understand what this resulted in, and for me, everything suddenly
• 1:10:04
  Speaker 3: became crystal clear. We talked for about eight hours in total,
• 1:10:07
  Speaker 3: with the therapist over two sessions, and the following was
• 1:10:10
  Speaker 3: agreed upon. Full openness about finances. No more hidden pots
• 1:10:14
  Speaker 3: of gold. We have an appointment with the private banker
• 1:10:17
  Speaker 3: that deals with my finances next week to sort of
• 1:10:19
  Speaker 3: train and teach her about all the money we both
• 1:10:22
  Speaker 3: have access to. A huge victory, she agreed after the
• 1:10:25
  Speaker 3: therapist explained to her to contribute the same percentage to
• 1:10:29
  Speaker 3: our shared costs. She works 40 hours a week. I
• 1:10:32
  Speaker 3: work more hours than that, but we agreed to rationalize
• 1:10:36
  Speaker 3: that we both worked full-time and thus would pay the
• 1:10:38
  Speaker 3: same percentage of our income towards shared expenses. This is
• 1:10:42
  Speaker 3: roughly about 10% of both our net incomes. Got a
• 1:10:46
  Speaker 3: little bit left, but what are you thinking about this
• 1:10:49
  Speaker 3: situation now?
• 1:10:50
  Speaker 1: I mean, it sounds like now that you've gotten clarity,
• 1:10:52
  Speaker 1: like there's a clear path forward.
• 1:10:55
  Speaker 3: I mean, she's finally listening, it seems. She is open
• 1:10:59
  Speaker 3: to financial, not financial, financial openness and joint finances.
• 1:11:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, and you're not her ex- And you're
• 1:11:09
  Speaker 1: not her family. Like, you've got an investment account earning 6%
• 1:11:12
  Speaker 1: year over year. And you clearly know your finances. It's
• 1:11:18
  Speaker 1: certainly better than I do.
• 1:11:20
  Speaker 4: And, you know, the picture is clear now. The monkey
• 1:11:24
  Speaker 4: is free of its sleeve.
• 1:11:26
  Speaker 3: The marital agreement situation will stand for now. She is
• 1:11:29
  Speaker 3: unwilling to talk about changing it for the time being.
• 1:11:32
  Speaker 3: We've had it updated a short while ago and will
• 1:11:34
  Speaker 3: consider revising it next year. She's still adamant that we
• 1:11:38
  Speaker 3: need a full, clean break in case something happens, and
• 1:11:41
  Speaker 3: we both agree that we don't see anything happening anytime soon,
• 1:11:44
  Speaker 3: so it's a moot point anyway. We will not be
• 1:11:46
  Speaker 3: getting a bigger house in the next six months. However,
• 1:11:50
  Speaker 3: she is willing to have a look at what is possible.
• 1:11:52
  Speaker 3: I believe that we can come to an agreement about
• 1:11:54
  Speaker 3: this in the coming month, and she dropped a small
• 1:11:57
  Speaker 3: bomb there, saying, when we have kids, we'll need something
• 1:12:00
  Speaker 3: bigger soon anyway. I think she wants kids, which is great.
• 1:12:04
  Speaker 3: We've always agreed on having kids. She just wasn't ready
• 1:12:07
  Speaker 3: for it for a while. Seems she is now, which
• 1:12:09
  Speaker 3: is awesome. I have explained clearly to her that without her,
• 1:12:13
  Speaker 3: I cannot do my job and that her emotional support
• 1:12:16
  Speaker 3: is what keeps me going. And that this means I
• 1:12:18
  Speaker 3: consider my earnings are possible by her supporting me. This
• 1:12:22
  Speaker 3: means that those earnings are also hers. She didn't agree.
• 1:12:25
  Speaker 3: And I think this understanding will come over time. And
• 1:12:28
  Speaker 3: that's the end of the story. We haven't got a
• 1:12:30
  Speaker 3: full resolution, but we are on the way to somewhere.
• 1:12:33
  Speaker 1: We see the path through the forest, and there is
• 1:12:37
  Speaker 1: light at the end of it.
• 1:12:38
  Speaker 3: Yes, and maybe kids.
• 1:12:40
  Speaker 4: Yes, it's two kids holding a flashlight.
• 1:12:43
  Speaker 5: And that's the end of this story.