Latest / The World Knowledge / Finding Light at the End of the Tunnel

Transcript

Finding Light at the End of the Tunnel · The World Knowledge

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Well, good evening, listeners. Thank you so much for coming
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: on and taking time to listen to Lamenta Vogue podcast,
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: another episode for you. And today, it's a special one
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  Speaker 1: for me because my mom, she was a mom in
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: her late 30s, early 40s because she struggled with infertility.
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  Speaker 1: So it took her 12 years to have me. And
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  Speaker 1: then shortly after me, she had my sister.
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  Speaker 2: I will be totally honest. I have not set that
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  Speaker 2: hard boundary with really anyone in my life. I definitely
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: get unsolicited advice still all the time. Exactly what you're
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: saying is the, have you tried this herb? Have you
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  Speaker 2: tried doing it this way? Have you, you know, all
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  Speaker 2: of the different things like, and I promise you I've
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  Speaker 2: tried it. And that's kind of how I answer it
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  Speaker 2: nowadays is when people give me some kind of, advice
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  Speaker 2: that way. And it usually is out of love or
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  Speaker 2: wanting to help or, you know, even just continuing conversation.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: I usually just say, yeah, yeah. You know, there's, I usually,
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  Speaker 2: I deal with my grief a little bit. I have
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  Speaker 2: to laugh about it. So I usually try and turn
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  Speaker 2: it and be a little bit more on the humor side.
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  Speaker 2: And so I'll try and turn it into a joke or,
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  Speaker 2: oh yeah, tried that one. That one didn't work or
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  Speaker 2: tried this. There's a funny story with that or that
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  Speaker 2: kind of thing. But Ever since I started posting on
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  Speaker 2: social media about those unsolicited advice type things, which have
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  Speaker 2: gotten some traction and people are really agreeing with it.
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  Speaker 2: everyone in my personal life has really quieted down.
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  Speaker 1: They're like, was that me that one time? I don't know.
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  Speaker 2: And I'm like, okay, like it's okay. Like I had
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  Speaker 2: to actually like reach out to family and be like, Hey,
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  Speaker 2: like I'm saying this, this isn't about anyone specifically. These
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: are things everyone says, like anyone on the street has
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  Speaker 2: said these things. Like I'm not targeting any videos to
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  Speaker 2: anyone specifically. Some of my earlier videos, I have like
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: characters and some of those characters, like the mother-in-law, the
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  Speaker 2: toxic mother-in-law, like the person that's, you know, oh, just
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  Speaker 2: tried seed cycling and that kind of stuff. And I'm like,
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  Speaker 2: these aren't anyone specifically. My mother-in-law's a saint. She'd never
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  Speaker 2: act that way, you know, like that kind of thing.
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  Speaker 1: What has been the most hurtful advice or something that's
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  Speaker 1: been the most hurtful that you've heard? from someone?
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  Speaker 2: That's a good question. I think, honestly, it was coming
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  Speaker 2: from someone that has gone through IVF and has gone
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  Speaker 2: through infertility themselves. And it was a situation where they
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  Speaker 2: were just telling me that I need to work on
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: my faith and work on my faith with God, work
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  Speaker 2: on my relationship with God. I grew up very, very religious. Um,
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  Speaker 2: and I am not really as much anymore. And so, um,
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  Speaker 2: talking to this person, I w I was just kind
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  Speaker 2: of surprised. I was like, wow, like you've, you've gone
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  Speaker 2: through infertility. You know how hard this is. Like you
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  Speaker 2: struggled for many, many years and you're like, you still
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  Speaker 2: are giving that kind of advice. And sometimes, you know,
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  Speaker 2: it's fine in conversation, but when it's unsolicited or in
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  Speaker 2: a situation like that, that can be kind of hurtful. Um, um,
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  Speaker 2: The worst thing that I've heard just about my infertility
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  Speaker 2: in general is probably one of the trolls on social
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  Speaker 2: media reading those comments. I just stopped reading those comments.
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  Speaker 2: But one of them said, like, you know, infertility is
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  Speaker 2: the best thing that could ever happen to adults that
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  Speaker 2: go to Disney. I was like, wow, that's a strong take.
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  Speaker 1: Like, okay. Oh, my goodness. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Laugh at those and be like, okay, well that's, you
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  Speaker 2: have no idea. I hope you never have to deal
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  Speaker 2: with infertility. I hope you never have to feel what
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  Speaker 2: this feels like. But I don't understand.
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  Speaker 1: Do you like when people talk to you about it
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  Speaker 1: or do you, because I have like people deal with
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  Speaker 1: grief differently or loss differently in some, I think most
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  Speaker 1: of us think if someone's dealing with loss, they don't
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  Speaker 1: want to talk about it, you know? So it's best
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  Speaker 1: to just kind of, be present, but try to do
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  Speaker 1: things that will make them feel better. You know, whatever
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  Speaker 1: we can come up with, whether it's, you know, going
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  Speaker 1: to a nice place or taking them on a cruise or,
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  Speaker 1: or going somewhere with them on a nice walk or
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  Speaker 1: paying for a nice dinner. And then you're like, maybe
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  Speaker 1: I shouldn't ask any more questions about how they're feeling,
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  Speaker 1: you know, just stop asking them. Do you find that
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  Speaker 1: better or do you actually like it if people ask
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  Speaker 1: you how you're doing for the specifics of infertility?
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  Speaker 2: I personally prefer it. I really, I talking about it
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  Speaker 2: makes me feel a little bit more human versus like
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  Speaker 2: people walking on eggshells around me kind of thing. And
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  Speaker 2: so I was like, yeah, I, and I'm an open book.
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  Speaker 2: I think because of that, because I want, I want
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  Speaker 2: to share my experience, share my journey, share my story,
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  Speaker 2: whether you can personally relate or not. Going through infertility
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  Speaker 2: is something that is really hard. There's grief attached to it. Well, if,
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  Speaker 2: you know, maybe you've lost a parent. Okay. Well, you've
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  Speaker 2: experienced grief too in your own way. And so we
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  Speaker 2: can talk back and forth and try and find connections.
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  Speaker 2: There's so much more that connects us than divides us.
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  Speaker 2: And so finding a way to talk about the things
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  Speaker 2: that hurt and the things that have these stigmas around them,
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  Speaker 2: it's like, no, let's talk about it. Let's be human. Let's, let's,
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  Speaker 2: Learn more about the situation. Hey, I haven't gone through
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  Speaker 2: exactly what you've been through, but I'm here. Let me
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  Speaker 2: be a wall that you can talk to and I
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  Speaker 2: will listen. Those are the types of people and those
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  Speaker 2: are the conversations that I crave. I love those conversations.
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  Speaker 1: What is it like with your interactions with kids? Is
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  Speaker 1: that something that you find encouraging or is it hard
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  Speaker 1: to be with kids? Most.
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  Speaker 2: So yes, it is very hard. I have a lot
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  Speaker 2: of nieces and nephews and I love them to death.
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  Speaker 2: I do feel I was robbed from a regular aunt
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  Speaker 2: and uncle viewpoint just because looking at them reminds me
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  Speaker 2: of my own loss, right? But I've learned to separate that.
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  Speaker 2: So I've learned to separate that and realize like, oh, well,
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  Speaker 2: I can still be the fun aunt or like I
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  Speaker 2: can still live the aunt life. and like almost compartmentalize
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  Speaker 2: like my aunt being an aunt versus having my own,
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  Speaker 2: whereas they were kind of meshed for a long time. Um,
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  Speaker 2: and I are actually going through the adoption process now.
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  Speaker 2: So we're going to adopt, um, which is super exciting. Um,
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  Speaker 2: and going through that process has really opened my eyes
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  Speaker 2: a lot more, um, to children. And now it's almost
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  Speaker 2: like I have a completely different viewpoint on kids of like,
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  Speaker 2: I'm allowing myself to like, open up and be more
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  Speaker 2: motherly and accept the love that they're giving me and
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  Speaker 2: realizing it as love, right? Realizing it as connection. I
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  Speaker 2: really dove in, since we started the adoption process, I've
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  Speaker 2: dove into being an aunt and I've loved it. And
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  Speaker 2: just kids in general, it's like, oh yeah, like we
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  Speaker 2: have some kids across the street that play outside and
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  Speaker 2: my front window is looking at their backyard. And so
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  Speaker 2: I can see them outside playing on the trampoline and
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  Speaker 2: I'm like, oh man, I can't wait for that to
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  Speaker 2: be me. And it's so positive now versus going through
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  Speaker 2: the infertility and going through that mindset. I would probably
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  Speaker 2: have to close the blinds to not think about it
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  Speaker 2: because it was painful. And so I've learned that two
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  Speaker 2: things can exist at once and it's okay. Learning that
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  Speaker 2: acceptance has been probably one of the longest lessons that
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  Speaker 2: I've learned with infertility. that one of the biggest.
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  Speaker 1: Ones yeah no I mean and that that's that's life
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  Speaker 1: that's that's the painful thing about life is like it's
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  Speaker 1: a dichotomy there's just no way that one can be
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  Speaker 1: there's just nothing that can be just perfect and just
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  Speaker 1: bad it's just all mixed and that's the hardest part
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  Speaker 1: um because then your heart feels so torn and all
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  Speaker 1: these different pieces um I did want to ask you
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  Speaker 1: You know, some people, because you didn't mention IVF. I
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  Speaker 1: don't think you did, right? As something you had done.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I was going to ask you, because some people
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  Speaker 1: would say, well, why don't you try IVF before you adopt?
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  Speaker 1: Because then maybe you could still try to have one
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  Speaker 1: that's biological. I've talked to people where biology is very important,
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  Speaker 1: that the child be biologically connected to them. And I
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  Speaker 1: understand that. why you'd want that. I really do. But I,
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  Speaker 1: you know, I came from a broken home and ended
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  Speaker 1: up being adopted in a sense by a lot of
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  Speaker 1: people that were very loving to me that I will
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  Speaker 1: cherish forever in their kindness to me, but they weren't
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  Speaker 1: biologically connected. And I still get hung up on that.
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  Speaker 1: Even when people say you're a part of our family,
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  Speaker 1: I'm like, but I actually am not. And they're like,
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  Speaker 1: what are you talking about? Like you're biologically not part,
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  Speaker 1: but you are part of our family. And that's been
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  Speaker 1: such a gift to me and people's patience and kindness
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  Speaker 1: toward me and trying to wrap my mind around that.
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  Speaker 1: But with you, like,