Latest / The soulnotskin Podcast with Jen SluMac / How Storytelling Turns Divorce's Pain Into Healing

Transcript

How Storytelling Turns Divorce's Pain Into Healing · The soulnotskin Podcast with Jen SluMac

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: At a drug deal, and I took my younger brother with me, which is the dumbest thing, obviously, a person can do.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: And like I was so embarrassed by this.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I didn't even put it in my movie because I was like, my my brother could have been killed.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there was a gun pointed at me while we were doing this this deal.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember being there thinking, like, what the hell?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, my my brother's gonna get killed right now.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm gonna get killed.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this is, you know.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: So that was a moment where I was like, maybe, maybe I'm not making the right decisions.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the Soul Knot Skin Podcast, a virtual living room, a safe, welcoming place to land where you can follow up a chair and share stories straight from the heart.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm your host, Jen Splumack, or as my scientists like to call me, this Jen.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: We talk about the real human experience, the hard stuff, the wonderful stuff, and the messy everyday growth that shapes who we become.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: Real stories, real people, real insight, becoming who we are.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Settle in, and let's dive into today's episode.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, everybody, and welcome to another episode of the Soul Mot Skin Podcast.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, today's guest is an actor, a writer, a producer, and a storyteller of my kind of people, Travis Andre Ross.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: He's got a career spanning HBO, ABC, TNT, adult swim.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's a lot of different stuff, man.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: That's like silly to serious.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: Travis has built the life telling stories on screen, but perhaps his most personal work is Central Valley, the award-winning feature film that he co-wrote, produced, and stars in that I got to see at the premiere, inspired by his own experiences growing up in California's Central Valley.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: So the film turns pieces of his own past into a story about family addiction, responsibility, and redemption, and raises a question that I just love, which is what happens when we stop running from our story and we start telling it?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's something that I've had to do.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Today we're going to talk uh behind the film and get to the life that shaped the storyteller.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: Travis, Andre, Ross, thank you for coming to the Soul Not Skin Podcast.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for having me.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: That was that was an incredible intro, by the way.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, thank you so much.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I like I I like looking at it all like that, it's like, holy crap! Like, this is kind of like what I dreamed about 10 years ago, and and here we are.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's so it's wild.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: It is, it's really wild to hear somebody else do your bio, isn't it?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like holy crap, like it's crazy.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you did that, man.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: You did that.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm super excited to be on this, though.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this has been incredible.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, like just over the last couple weeks, talking to you through email and stuff, and like getting excited about uh being on the podcast with you, it's been awesome.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: Right on, same, same.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: I appreciate that.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely listen, man.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um, if we could go back to Central Valley and meet you as a kid, who would we meet?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man, you know, honestly, um, it's almost like uh not to make a Christ reference this early on, but there's like there's there's BC and there's A D, right?
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: And for No, I totally get that, bro.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like before dad left and after dad left, right?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Those are two different kids, you know.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Those dads, right?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: But if you if you would have met me before dad left, you would have been like, wow, this kid has everything.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: He's happy and he's smart and athletic, and he loves his family, and he has no cares in the world, you know, as probably every child should, you know.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um and uh I I loved playing sports at an early age, and I I loved school, I loved everything.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like I had friends, it was it was awesome.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Life was pretty great, you know.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: But also, you know, you don't really know what you don't know at that age.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like I know that looking back, we were poor.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but at the time I didn't really know it as much.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like we lived in um Long Beach uh at first, and then we lived in San Jose in an apartment, and then we ended up moving to a trailer park in Santinella, California, which is a truck stop.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: And um I was gonna say, where's that?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Right, yeah, it's in the middle.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, here's the thing like there's a P Soup Anderson's right off the freeway, and like it's right off of the five, and that's where people like, oh, I've seen that P Soup Anderson's.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's like the biggest reference I've found for um for like noting that that spot.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: Right on.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so um basically, yeah, I lived there and um and then and then dad left.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: And um, you know, I didn't know all the stuff that was uh going on.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know that he was a drug addict and an alcoholic.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't I knew that I went to AA meetings with him from a pretty young age, like he would take me sometimes to meetings, and um, I just thought that there was like a bunch of people in a room hanging out.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Uh you know, yeah, come to find out uh things were a little different.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then after dad left, it was like a completely different Travis, you know, and it wasn't obviously it wasn't like a flip of a switch type thing, but um I definitely didn't understand what was going on, and I blamed myself.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like I wasn't good enough, even at that age.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, my dad doesn't want me, you know, and it's like as a kid, you don't even know how to process those feelings and anything.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I started getting bad grades in school.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: I started hanging around with the wrong crowd, and eventually that led into me using drugs at a young age and selling drugs and getting into trouble, getting arrested a few times before I was 18, um, the whole line.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, boy.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I think that I think divorce is probably one of the least spoken of traumas that we just it's riddling our society, especially in our generation and and maybe the one before, but um it just I don't think people realize the impact that it has on kids.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: I saw this really just as a quick tangent.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I saw this really neat video one time about parents who were separating, they were gonna divorce, but they and their they had a divorce ceremony with their kids and they they like did redid vows, but the vows said, I have loved you, I've always loved you, we don't get along anymore.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's unfortunate.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: We love our children, and I still commit to co-parenting with you and uh helping the kids to feel safe and seen in both of our worlds, and then their new partners came and they all like it was crazy, but then they interviewed them afterwards and they said this is because our problems are not our children's problems, but so often our problems hurt our children like profoundly.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, that is some next world stuff, boy.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's deep.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: I can't even imagine.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's super deep, right?
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's super, yeah.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and and I feel like I remember, you know, and I'm sure you do too.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I totally remember the sit down that my mom and dad had with me.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um but I I definitely, first of all, I didn't feel like they were being truthful to me.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't, they didn't tell me the whole story, they didn't tell me what was going on.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: It was pretty much like, hey, mom and dad don't really like each other anymore, so they're gonna separate.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then the other thing that was hard for me to swallow was like, okay, dad's gonna be gone, but why isn't he coming around then?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why is he gone for weeks, months, and you know, what ended up being years um without any communication, you know?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: So that was definitely that was definitely tough, you know.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know if there's a a speech for that or not, but if there is, we we need to tap into that for these little kids, man.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: For real, for real.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, it's really interesting.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: You were nine, you said?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: I was like eight when he left, yeah.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, see, I was nine when my parents uh divorced, probably around eight when they separated.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: But um, and my moment wasn't them sitting down with me.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: I actually put it in my book.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's uh I was pulled out of school to go to a counselor downtown, and basically some stranger told me that my my I in my book I said my family is ending because my parents don't love each other anymore, but they still love us.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I just remember there was this whole moment where like I just left the room, I left the chair that I was sitting in.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: I was like looking out the window, and I just wanted to be anywhere but there.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: And um, and so I really feel you on that, man.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: And then and then just the parent, the one parent being gone and the parent that you're with being sad.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: And having to sort of um, I don't know what your experience was, but having to sort of manage your feelings silently because their feelings took precedent.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: Did that happen for you?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it was it was a little different, I would say, on my end, because my mom, she worked at a Denny's, and like I said, we were super poor.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: So she was basically working nonstop.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: She would work 14 hours a day, 16 hours a day.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I wouldn't even see her a lot of the times.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like there would be cereal on the counter for me when we woke up.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: I would have to take care of my uh younger brother, who was he was four years old at the time uh when my dad left.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: And then um, yeah, like we had to have somebody take care of him during the day, like daycare while mom was working.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and then she would she would get off while I was at school, and then she would be back at work often before I even got home.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I would be making, you know, Denison's chili, put it in the microwave, and like Bro, I'm telling you, you're the you're the boy of me.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm telling you, you're like, I was like hamburger helpering for my my my brother was uh five years younger than me.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: My older brother was just angry and detached, and I was helping raise my little brother.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: Moms was at work all the time.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's true, that's crazy.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um, how does this move you into um we talked a little bit in one of our emails, I think, just about how uh you dreamed of being uh did you dream of being a movie star?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: You just sort of saw celebrity and just didn't feel too far from it, or what was that?
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Tell us about that, you know, it it's kind of weird, right?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: It was never like like I never looked at celebrities as like, wow, like I want the cars, I want the money, I want that.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like what ended up happening for me is I didn't have this father figure, right?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: I had this loss in my life and I didn't know how to fill it.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, like I can tell something was up because a lot of my friends, like on the baseball team and stuff, their fathers, you know, first of all, like it sucked like not being picked up by any of your parents, but you know, seeing all my friends, their their parents, their fathers come in and picking them up and then playing catch with them after, like I always like that hurt for sure.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: But I noticed like a couple of these dudes, good guys, you know, they would try to like I think they saw that I was missing that in my life, and they, you know, they would kind of try to help out a little bit, I'd say, like nothing too deep, but I I a couple of them stood out.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: A couple of my friends' parents like really made an effort to um, you know, make me feel welcome.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: They would invite me over to eat dinner sometimes and stuff.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um it was a different time when we grew up, you know.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: There were there was no social media, there wasn't like cell phones the way they are.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: So a lot of people didn't know other people's business unless they really kind of like knew, you know.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I because I think now a lot of, I mean, shit, everything would have been different, let's be honest, right?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, who knows?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't I can't even go down that path.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: But but yeah, it was um it was it was a little bit of a different situation, I would say, because because of like not, I don't know.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know how to explain that.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, where where was I going with this?
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: What you were saying, no, you were I I do that too, bro.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: We'll help each other out.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um you were talking about no, no, no.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: You were talking about how some of your friends' dads would sort of step in, how they would invite you over to the house.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: And right, and uh, why did I bring that up?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think we're just talking about you know how your interest in Hollywood, your interest in Hollywood.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's what it was.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, sorry about that.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: All good so so yeah, so because of this void, I kind of I started watching TV and movies, and I started looking up to these guys as like father figures that that I never had.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, wow, that's cool.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I I feel like I learned from a lot of a lot of great people, you know, like Robin Williams was was one of them, but I I I really looked up to him as a father figure.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, some of the cornier ones is like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone, you know, like I was like, oh, those are those are my dads, basically.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like they had some really ridiculous films, but at the end of the day, I feel like the message that was in their films was typically a good message.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so I looked up to them as father figures and I told myself that I wanted to do that someday for kids that were in a similar situation to me.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: So that's why I was like, all right, I'm gonna become an actor and then I'm gonna help kids that are in my situation.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: So that's how that sparked basically.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I love that.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I love hearing these stories because I think people just assume that um, you know, when you get to Hollywood, uh you wanted it, and so you should have to deal with all of the fame that comes along with it uh because you wanted it, because you wanted all that fame.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: And that I don't, that's the thing I never wanted.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't want the fame.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted the um it seemed like there wasn't pain there the way that it, I mean, I know better now, right?
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: But um, it just seemed sort of like a magical place that I could sort of tell stories that mattered.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to, I wanted to make movies because I wanted to tell stories that mattered.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um it sounds like you were the recipient of the beneficiary of stories that mattered, right?
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I got there, exactly.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: I yeah, that's exactly what it was.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: I I feel like those stories that mattered influenced me 100%.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: Bro, do you remember after school specials?
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah, or or just sitcoms where like there was a little bit of a problem and it all wrapped up in 28 minutes, you know what I mean?
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: Or or Saturday morning, the more you know, and they would like say something profound PSA.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: You remember all that stuff trying to raise us?
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: One one more before we keep going.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, do you remember that thing when TV actually shut off at like midnight or so?
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: And they said, Um, well, I guess these are two different things.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: The one I was thinking of is um it's 10 o'clock, do you know where your kids are?
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: Do you remember that message?
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: I do remember that message.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: I remember that message, but I don't remember.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: So the wait, the TVs used to shut off at midnight?
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, those are I conflated.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: I conflated.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: Those are two different things.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: So yes, at about 10 o'clock, they would say, It's 10 o'clock, do you know where your children are?
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: And then another thing was um come midnight, like the TV would just all programming stopped.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: And there was like they would do an American, um, they would do a uh whatchamacallit?
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: Uh what do you call it?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: My cultural.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like a salute?
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like a yeah, you know, this is not reflecting well on us.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, the salute, but it's been a minute.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's been a little bit more than a lot of people.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: The song about America being great, you know, that one.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um anyway, they would play that, and then it was just color bars, and it would go and that was it.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: You're right.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: I remember the color bars.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: We're so far from that time, man.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like you can't get away from media now, right?
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's crazy.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so here you are.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you've got that hole in your soul, right?
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: Dad gone.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm familiar with that.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um when do you start acting?
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: And what do you find?
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, is this before or after you've found substances to medicate your experience?
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's a great question.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like so I started watching these shows.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: I looked up to these guys at Father Figures.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: It and it wasn't really, it was kind of like a fleeting thought at that time, like, hey, maybe I can do that one day.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: But realistically, there was no, there wasn't, there wasn't much going on up there as far as the future.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: It was more like the present.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I I just had to think about like, how am I gonna get my next meal?
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: How am I gonna get you know my next anything, uh like money to pay for anything at all.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that's kind of like what led me into selling.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I started using when I was 13.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: It was the first time I um uh I I smoked marijuana.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then ironically enough, that same week I started drinking alcohol.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um and um, you know, I was having a good old time.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: It was great at first, you know.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: And um it's just it's it's one of those things, right?
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: It kind of like ends up escalating and and it goes from having fun um with smaller substances to more serious stuff and that the whole gateway thing.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I totally get that now.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because I remember thinking, like, what's the problem?
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, weed is so chill, like, why is there such a fuss about it?
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: And then yeah, you know, when you start using harder substances, then uh you kind of look back and you're like, Oh, I probably wouldn't have gotten here if I didn't start there.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_01: And you probably met the guy that got you where you are now through the guy that got you the week.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like it just you get yourself in different environments gradually.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_01: So maybe it's the drug, maybe it's the the activity of getting that drug and hanging out with people, and you get introduced to more too, you know what I mean?
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: So um, you know, and then it's again, it's one of those things like where it's one of those things where you kind of like you look back and you're like, Oh, how did I get here?
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of like the way we started the show, like that 10 years uh like of wanting to get to a place.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well, this this situation wasn't somewhere I wanted to get to, but like the fact that I was there and I didn't realize how I got there, you know.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I'm like, you know, selling kilos when I was like uh originally buying an eighth of substance, you know.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: So it was it was just kind of wild to be like, whoa.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: And a big eye-opener for me one time was I was actually like at a a drug deal, and I I took my younger brother with me, which is the dumbest thing, obviously, a person can do.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: And like I was so embarrassed by this, like I didn't even put it in my movie because I was like, my my brother could have been killed.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there was a gun pointed at me while we were doing this this deal.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember being there thinking, like, what the hell?
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, my my brother's gonna get killed right now.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm gonna get killed.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this is you know, so that was a moment where I was like, maybe, maybe I'm not making the right decisions for me.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but it wasn't until I got arrested where I really kind of like decided that things needed to change, otherwise I was gonna end up, you know, in prison rather than just going to jail overnight or something, you know.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I got arrested two times.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: One time breaking an entering, and then the other time I was caught with illegal substances.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and you know, I was cocky.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: I was a little jerk, and the cops knew what I was doing, and then you know, they finally caught me once and Um, I was 17 and they they actually put me in an adult jail cell.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, you can't do that.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm 17, I'm a minor.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, where's your ID?
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I don't have an ID.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, You look 18 to me.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: So in you go.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: Good times.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's that was the thing that really like changed my mind.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, all right, I need to kind of transition out of this.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like I started to focus more in school.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was still in high school at that time.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um so I slowly transitioned out because it's I don't know, who knows what would have happened if I would have just stopped cold turkey.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like there were definitely people depending on me to buy these large amounts of product from them at that time.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I kept going for a little while, and then eventually I just stopped altogether and I started going to junior college.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: Started, I got a big person job.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: I was selling sweet potatoes for a sweet potato company in Livingston, California.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that's kind of what like started my um journey into being a good person.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's kind of when I decided, like, you know what, maybe I'll pursue acting now.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know, let's do this.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: Let's, you know, the fact that I was able to get myself out of it gave me a little bit of confidence that that maybe I could help others do the same.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta tell you, thank you for sharing all of that.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I think about that moment where you're standing there with your little brother, and you've got a gun pointed at you.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_01: And you said so sort of casually just now, you said, and it occurred to me that maybe this is not what I should be doing, that's best for me, right?
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I know that.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I work with a lot of folks who are incarcerated or previously incarcerated, and when they come to those realizations, you know, I hear the the peanut gallery being like, why does it take you to get to that moment?
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you think, you know what I mean?
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_01: But but people don't realize that it's um you're starting from a pain, um, you're you're starting from a place where you're you're looking to be whole.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_01: You're not you're in an environment that is probably different than the peanut galleries to begin with.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_01: So there's a whole slew of things that you wouldn't really understand the motivation behind, right?
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um nor me them, right?
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not just saying one way.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: But um, but sometimes it takes that.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, wow, I'm so out of context.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like finally, I'm like, I just had a like life just bitch slapped me.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, whoa.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: And it it's usually when it has to do with somebody else, because I can't see this happening to me.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm being led by a desire to feel better.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm being led by a desire to sort of fit in with my peers or be a big person amongst all these knuckleheads, right?
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'm driven by that, but when I'm seeing my little brother standing there, all of a sudden I'm pulled out of my self-centeredness and I'm like, oh my God, what am I doing?
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's a horrific moment.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but thank God he wasn't shot and you weren't shot in front of him, right?
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, my gosh, like that's but I I I also uh heard you say that um oh now I'm gonna do one of those.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_01: Where was I going?
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, it happens to the best of us.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_01: I tell you what, it's part of what makes us so creative, right?
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_01: Because our brain goes a mile a minute.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: All right, if I remember it, we'll come back to it.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, let's jump into can I piggyback off of something you just said?
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: Please, yeah, please.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so 100%.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, that and then and the other part of it, which was an eye-opener for me too, looking back, because you know, like for example, I had a really good friend in my teens, and she was in an abusive relationship, like she was, you know, she was being abused.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, like, what why?
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you still there then?
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what's going on?
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you not doing something about it?
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: Why aren't you not removing yourself from the situation?
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: But they had been together for like four years, you know, and it didn't start out that way, too.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: So it's almost like one of those things where, you know, first it happens once, and then, you know, maybe six months go by and then it happens again, or you know, so it's like, well, this isn't the way it is, you know, and it's like this slow thing that happens over time.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: And and I feel like that was the same situation that I that I had, and I'm sure many other people, where like you just, you know, you're not really looking at the day-to-day, and all of a sudden you're a year or two into this thing, and you're like, Whoa, this is yeah, how did we get here?
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and I I just I feel like that happens so many times in so many different situations, and that's why people don't end up removing themselves like earlier on, because they a lot of times they don't even realize like how they got there or where they're at, you know.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm really glad that you said that.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's really, really true.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I've seen it a lot as well.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it's this, it's just the cycle that happens, and like you said, it takes time for each like sort of part of the cycle to sort of pass.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_01: And once one is gone, you're just like, oh, see, that was just a bad day.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um cycle of violence is actually one of the things that I've taught uh to a lot of my guys inside.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_01: And one of the things that I really want to start teaching, um, I want to build some sort of courses that I just put on my website that are easy and free and accessible to people to sort of learn this.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_01: Especially after recently, the uh the actress who just overdosed, maybe overdosed.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_01: And um, you know, she was talking about this 10-year relationship she was in.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_01: I was listening to her, and I was just like, I don't think she even has any understanding of what the cycle of violence looks like, right?
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_01: And it's just this like it starts getting tense and then it blows up, and then it's like calms down, and then it's like, baby, I'm sorry, and then it's like okay, and then it starts getting tense again, but it's so subtle, man.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, yeah.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and for folks who have never been in dark places that sort of take you gradually into a darker place.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, just think about just the way that time passes and it's so elusive.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, just you ever meet, you see your nephew after six years, and you're like, oh my god, you're a man, and then you're like, Wait, how old does that make me?
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, that's a silly example, but that's kind of the thing is all of a sudden you're like, Oh my god, how old am I?
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_01: If you're in high school, I thought I was in high school.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_01: And it's just it's this thing, like, how did I get here?
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that is so real.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, my nephew is my real net, my real nephew in in the movie.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that's my real nephew, right?
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_00: So he plays my nephew in the movie.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_00: He's my nephew in real life.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: It the movie, you know, I had to change a couple things to make it work.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually a you know, in real life, I was taking care of my younger brother in the movie.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm taking care of my nephew.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: But like I look, I look at that movie, and my nephew is, you know, he's 10 or 11 years old in real life during that film.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that was not that long ago.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_00: The movie just came out.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: We shot it in 2020, and he's graduating from high school, like he's a senior right now, and he's uh he's a man.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I know, what?
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: How?
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: I know, I know.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's he looks like a little kid, and now he just I know, bro.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_01: What yeah, my niece is getting married.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, wait a minute, what?
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, congratulations, by the way.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_01: That's yeah, thanks.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_01: She's amazing.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm really grateful uh that she found the dude that she did.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_01: He's he's really good, folks.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_01: So um I think I remembered what I was gonna say, and then I want to talk to you more about the film and the story that takes place within it and sort of how you got through this whole story of your own.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, what I was gonna ask you was when you were drinking, when you were using and your father was absent, did you find yourself almost drinking at him?
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_01: Uh almost like because for me, when I got into the height of my addiction, when I got into the height of my alcoholism, my desire for a relationship with my father was so profound, and I had, I think, pushed it down so much.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_01: What I what little I knew of him, uh, I knew that he drank.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think it was a sad, pathetic sort of effort at like being part of my dad.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_01: Is that weird?
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: I totally get that.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: Totally.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's so strange, man.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's it it is, it's really strange.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I know for sure I did that with sex.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um it was it was kind of weird, like in a way, I'm kind of I'm kind of grateful.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: So my dad would pop in every once in a while, call me, you know, stuff like that, and and he would see us every once in a while, like, you know, but I remember being a teenager, and I, you know, I think he came and saw me, and I was high at the time.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, he he could tell, he knew.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: And he he wanted to talk to me about it.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember him saying, like, you know, listen, like, I know I'm not here that often, and you know, if you if you do want to talk to somebody about this, I won't judge you, I won't tell you not to do things, I'll just share my experiences with you.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: And here I was, never telling my mom anything, never really telling any adults like what was going on.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, they tried to put me into therapy, and I just I wouldn't do it.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_00: But I felt safe when he said that to me, and I actually told him.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_00: I did, I remember telling him about some of the stuff that I was doing.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_00: And it was kind of I mean, it felt really good to like tell him, but but I did feel like a little bit of this, like I hope this, I hope this hurts you a little bit.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I remember feeling that way, you know.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um if it did, I mean he was good at hiding it.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so it was just kind of this double-edged sword.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like in one hand, it felt really good to like tell him, but in the other, in the other hand, I felt almost spiteful about, you know, because I did want to hurt him.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I get it by telling him these things.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: It was it was a trip.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and I think that's human.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's human nature.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_01: Go ahead.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to cut you off.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's okay.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: I just kind of like I kind of like forgot about that.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_00: I hadn't really I hadn't really thought about that until you you asked that question.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you for for asking that.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_00: That was uh yeah, that was interesting to feel that.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's um, you know, my relationship with my father has improved tremendously.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_01: We have an adult relationship that I'm very grateful for.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_01: My mother, I just lost her in February, but we did a lot of healing around, you know, thank you, growing up um single mom, doing the best she could.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_01: And it wasn't, you know, it was there was a lot of love and a lot of sort of confusion too.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_01: But um I'm grateful for where I am today, but the little girl in me will never get what she needed, you know?
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_01: And um, it's it's just this thing where uh my father and I connected after I was in a near fatal car accident where I was hit by a drunk driver.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_01: And when I survived that, um I had smoked weed that night because I was supposed to be the designated driver.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I used to smoke weed at that point in my life, like it was Marlborough's, you know?
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_01: And so I was just like, well, I'm not drinking.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I was hit at like four in the morning by a guy coming out of a parking lot.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_01: He had been drinking for the last like six, seven hours after just losing his job.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_01: And he uh I was coming off of a stop sign in industrial park area like three blocks from her apartment, and he hit me at 65 miles an hour in the driver's side door off a near stop.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_01: And they pulled me out of the car with the jaws of life, and I don't remember anything for a few days.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_01: And once I was able to sort of move about again, my father and I went out to dinner or out to lunch, I don't remember, and we started, I found that our connection was alcoholism.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that something?
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_01: Of all the things that I wanted to connect with my dad about it, turned out being the fact that neither one of us can drink.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_01: And what a strange blessing.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_01: Anyhow, um, healing takes all kinds of flavors, doesn't it?
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's wild.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so grateful that you're here and you're okay, and yeah, you're still able to spread your uh your message because it's important.
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks, bro.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_01: Appreciate you for that.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_01: Tell me about the film.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_01: How did you decide to make the film and how did you get to who you are today through all that you've been through?
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well sorry, I'm just still thinking about that that crash and connecting over the alcoholism.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's wild.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, that's it's super wild.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm grateful, strangely.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_01: Strangely, I'm grateful today, you know what I mean?
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely, yeah, you know, and I'm I'm grateful too.
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like me and my dad, like kind of exactly like what you said, we have a good relationship now.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's an adult relationship, it's right.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, I mean, he similarly to you, like he wasn't there when I really needed him, and that will never change, obviously.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I am grateful, you know, for for what the relationship I do have with him now.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um but yeah, what a what a trip.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_01: Can I can I just blow your uh head open with one more thing that somebody rocked me with?
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um in my healing process, I was writing down sort of a list of things that sort of hurt me, or you know, the resentments that I had with the world and all this kind of stuff.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_01: I was writing out this big list and my mom and my dad were all over it, right?
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_01: And um this woman that I was working with on this, doing this work with, she she kind of listened to it all.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_01: And when I was done, I was just I was ready for her to be like, oh my God, I can't, I can't believe you made it, and it's a miracle that, you know, I just expected like a parade of some sort or an accolades, you know.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_01: And she just looked at me and she said, Um, what were your mother's dreams?
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_01: I said, What?
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_01: I said, Did you hear anything I just said?
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, Yeah, honey, I heard you.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_01: What were your mother's dreams?
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_01: What were your father's dreams, and how did life disappoint them?
• 38:50
  unknown: Wow.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_01: And at first I was really pissed.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_01: I was just like, Wow, not listening, not listening, right?
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_01: But I went home and I thought about that and and I told her, I said, I don't know.
• 39:03
  SPEAKER_01: And she goes, Why don't you ask?
• 39:06
  SPEAKER_01: And this this profound redistribution of my identity sort of happened over the course of the next several months.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought, wow, my parents were hurting in front of me.
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I got, I was impacted by that, right?
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like they had their own, they were growing up.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I realized one time, Travis, man, I was just like this one thing that I had, I was so hurt by, right?
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_01: So friggin' hurt by.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I held it and I was just like it was just part of my identity, right?
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_01: This happened, and she did this, or he did this.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_01: And then after in that process of kind of untangling what their lives had been, I realized that my mother was about 30 and my dad was about 29 when that thing happened, which made me just a kid.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought, wow, they had maybe a little older because they had two kids.
• 40:09
  SPEAKER_01: They had uh begun the separation, and here I am, a single woman at that time.
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_01: I got no worries, and I'm like, I'm like, who would I have been in their situation, even if they'd had perfect childhoods, right?
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I just started having to forgive because I was like, okay, it's time for me to get over myself and just give them some grace.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell is my mom so deep?
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that crazy?
• 40:41
  SPEAKER_00: I have never I'm I'm embarrassed right now, honestly.
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like so was I, yeah.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be never asked them what their dreams were.
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_00: I am that crazy.
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_00: What they wanted to do with their lives.
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I just look at the situation, I they were just trying to survive, but they had to have ambitions.
• 41:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what were they?
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_00: What happened?
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_00: What happened?
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_00: And and I'm gonna ask them, I'm gonna ask them now because I I I feel like I have to know now.
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that wild?
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and but I do I can like I have thought about the age thing a few times, like because I look at myself when I was 30 years old, and I was still kind of an idiot, you know.
• 41:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like I definitely didn't have my shit together, you know.
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like I had a job, I had a house, like, but up here, like I was still kind of you know, and like if having a child at 30, even to me, like I'm I'm not ready.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_00: I can't have a child, like no way.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm still a child.
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_00: So, so yeah, like I have thought about that part before and yeah, and gone like, whoa, like that that is a trip.
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like you, you know, you're still trying to figure out your own stuff and go throw two kids in the mix.
• 42:07
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 42:09
  SPEAKER_01: I know, man.
• 42:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's crazy, but thank God for wisdom and for age for getting older, right?
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_01: So we survived and we're here to reflect and to help each other grow, right?
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that's the whole point of this thing, in my opinion, this journey that we're on.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_01: Tell me about the film.
• 42:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the the film is basically a product of me going to therapy for years when I was ready.
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because I feel like that's I don't know, my personal experience is like I've tried therapy like with five, sorry, more than five different therapists, five different times in my life, starting from like I think I think the first time was like eight or nine years old when my parents were going through the divorce, and you know, like a therapist tried to talk to me, and I'm just like, um, and then trying as a teenager after getting arrested, I would had mandatory, what was it called?
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't called therapy, but it was counseling, mandatory counseling.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I had um uh service, public public service, what was it called?
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, anyway.
• 43:20
  SPEAKER_00: Community service, community service, yes, that good stuff, washing fire trucks.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, um, but yeah, I I I was going to therapy uh finally and uh and doing good.
• 43:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was I was feeling really good about the therapy and and learning a lot about where all of this came from.
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_00: Spoiler alert, growing up as a you know child of uh divorce, product of divorce, and you know, alcoholic fan the family, like all this stuff, like obviously, you know, we are a product of of our our childhood.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um so you know, but but but finding out like why did I feel the way I felt, you know, and connecting those dots helped a lot.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then learning like what my triggers are and and why I I get triggered over certain things to this day.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_00: I still I still get triggered over stuff.
• 44:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like I still have thoughts that come into my head.
• 44:24
  SPEAKER_00: The only difference is now like I'm able to recognize them and be like, okay, we're gonna, we're gonna shut that down right now because I know exactly where that's coming from and why.
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um so I was going to therapy.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_00: And my therapist always used to have me like write things down.
• 44:40
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I'd been seeing her for shoot a couple years.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_00: When I found a good one, I was like, I'm I'm sticking with her.
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_00: For sure.
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, out of network too.
• 44:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like I had to pay her uh cash.
• 44:52
  SPEAKER_00: And at that time it was like 170 per session, you know.
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_00: But I was just getting so much value out of that that I had to, you know.
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so she would have me write stuff down.
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_00: She knew I was an actor and this and that.
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, um, why have you ever thought about like telling your story, like uh writing writing a book or something?
• 45:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, you have a really good story here.
• 45:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, never thought about writing a book, but I, you know, she was like, Well, why don't you make make this into a movie?
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and I was like, Whoa, and she's like, Yeah, like, you know, because I would tell her some of the problems I had with the industry.
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was already acting at that time, but I never felt that I was really scratching the itch that I wanted to set out for.
• 45:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was right, I was fortunate enough to work with, you know, Nicole Kidman, Clive Owens, Charlie Steron, all these amazing actors.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but you know, it's not, I don't think I'm changing people's lives by being a zombie or being a police officer or a soldier.
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't doing what I originally had set out to do in my head with my acting career, you know.
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, I I wanna do more, and and she knew that.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, tell your story.
• 46:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, whoa, that's a great idea.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_00: So I had started, you know, I had writing, I had been writing that part for like 10 years, and then I got into the point where I was like, all right, I'm gonna turn this into a screenplay when she had told me that.
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_00: So we spent about a year writing it, me and my writing partner at the time.
• 46:42
  SPEAKER_00: And and then we spent another year um prepping to shoot it and uh another year editing it.
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was when I tell you this is the hardest thing I've ever done, like it was insane.
• 46:57
  SPEAKER_00: Making a movie is is absolutely insane.
• 47:01
  SPEAKER_00: So hard to do it right.
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_01: It was beautiful.
• 47:05
  SPEAKER_01: Well thank you.
• 47:07
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's really, really, really well done.
• 47:10
  SPEAKER_01: Just really beautiful and really hard and really um just cinematically just gorgeous.
• 47:19
  unknown: Thank you.
• 47:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you guys really you guys did a wonderful job.
• 47:22
  SPEAKER_01: And the story, of course, just you know, just powerful and so much that I related to.
• 47:28
  SPEAKER_01: So I just want to tip my hat to you.
• 47:31
  SPEAKER_00: I I I really appreciate that, like big time, seriously, because like I said, it was the most work I've ever done, and so many people put their heart and souls into this film, and and like I'm just eternally grateful for for everything.
• 47:47
  SPEAKER_00: I spent everything I had to make it, basically.
• 47:49
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, Travis, let me interrupt you really quickly because I don't even think we've said the name of it yet, have we?
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, no, we haven't.
• 47:58
  SPEAKER_01: Central Valley.
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right?
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_01: Is it Central Valley the movie or century central valley?
• 48:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's just called Central Valley, but if you Google it, like it would probably help if you Google and it would probably help.
• 48:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's on Amazon Prime right now, and it's getting ready to go to a few other uh streaming platforms, but yeah, Amazon is where you can find it right now.
• 48:20
  SPEAKER_00: Central Valley.
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_01: And that's no joke, by the way, getting it onto Amazon.
• 48:24
  SPEAKER_01: So another uh, you know, tip of the hat to you, my man, because I just wanted to get a comedy special, a stand-up comedy special on Amazon, and I gave up.
• 48:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it I mean, honestly, it it was that was another year too.
• 48:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was it was a whole like I just barely released the movie this past December 2025, and we first got into our first film festival was in 2023, I want to say our first one.
• 48:51
  SPEAKER_00: So, I mean, it took that long to finally get things locked in with distribution and get it like on the platform.
• 48:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's yeah, it's wild.
• 49:01
  SPEAKER_01: It is, and you did all that yourself.
• 49:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um for the I mean, I've had help.
• 49:07
  SPEAKER_00: I've had so much help, but as far as like getting it on there, I I did.
• 49:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I, you know, I went to all like there's like film markets, like um the big one in Los Angeles is called AFM American Film Market.
• 49:20
  SPEAKER_00: There's um there's like two or three other big ones.
• 49:24
  SPEAKER_00: There's um oh what's it called?
• 49:27
  SPEAKER_00: Brainfart.
• 49:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um uh Can Film Festival, that's another film market, big one, and then um shoot the one Sundance.
• 49:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's like three or four big film markets that they sell films at every year.
• 49:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I I had gone to AFM and it was, you know, I didn't have anybody representing me.
• 49:53
  SPEAKER_00: I represented myself to do it, and I just went around to all the production companies and I told them about my movie.
• 49:59
  SPEAKER_00: I good on you.
• 50:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right.
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_00: I had this whole thing.
• 50:03
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I gave it to I created it and gave it to them, and I had a couple offers, um, but you know, nothing that I was really thrilled about.
• 50:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 50:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I just kept looking and eventually um I found a company that I was like cool with and good split and everything.
• 50:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, this is the way, you know, because honestly, at the end of the day, it wasn't even about the money for me.
• 50:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't care if I didn't make a dollar off of the movie.
• 50:31
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to be able to get the film out for people to see it.
• 50:35
  SPEAKER_00: That was the number one thing.
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I looked at the movies that a couple of these other companies had, and I was like, I've never heard of a single one of those movies.
• 50:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like, and that's always the case, yeah.
• 50:47
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 50:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's always the case, bro.
• 50:49
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I gonna do that?
• 50:50
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I gonna give my movie to these people, right?
• 50:53
  SPEAKER_00: Even though they're give me more money, but who knows if anybody's gonna see it?
• 50:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so you know, I that's how I found this situation, and um, I'm more in control of it, and and I'm happy about that.
• 51:07
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm proud of you.
• 51:08
  SPEAKER_01: Just uh one artist to another.
• 51:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm really proud of you.
• 51:11
  SPEAKER_01: I've made great efforts um in the past, I'm not doing it so much anymore.
• 51:16
  SPEAKER_01: But um, as I said to you uh that eventually I'd like to take my story and put it on screen.
• 51:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um as you should.
• 51:23
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, but man, I I don't have I don't know if I have it in me, bro.
• 51:27
  SPEAKER_01: Honestly.
• 51:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um I I wouldn't know where to start.
• 51:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I guess I got your back.
• 51:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like I told you.
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_00: I got your back.
• 51:35
  SPEAKER_00: I will I will help you if it's something that you want to do at some point.
• 51:40
  SPEAKER_00: You just hit me up and I will walk you through the the most liquid way to do it.
• 51:46
  SPEAKER_00: The easiest way.
• 51:47
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, there is no easy way, but easiest, you know.
• 51:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'll walk you through it and I'll give you all of my resources.
• 51:54
  SPEAKER_01: I would I'll take you out for coffee.
• 51:56
  SPEAKER_01: We can at least have that conversation and see what that looks like because um I I I would like to make one movie that matters before I, you know, as my father would say, before I croak.
• 52:09
  SPEAKER_01: He likes to just sort of lighten the whole gonna die one day thing.
• 52:12
  SPEAKER_01: And he says, Well, I croak.
• 52:15
  SPEAKER_01: So um, so I appreciate that.
• 52:18
  SPEAKER_01: So tell me before we're coming up on time, um tell me who you are now.
• 52:23
  SPEAKER_01: What what has this experience taught you?
• 52:26
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, did it did it serve to heal some things?
• 52:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um have you had a what kind of response have you received?
• 52:33
  SPEAKER_01: Have you had a lot of people sort of come to you and say thanks for telling my story?
• 52:39
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 52:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, thank you for asking.
• 52:42
  SPEAKER_00: So it it has been an incredible journey.
• 52:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um lots of ups and downs for sure, but I'm grateful for all of it because it it's gotten me to where I'm at now.
• 52:56
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, when I was younger, I used to just be like, oh, why is this happening to me?
• 53:01
  SPEAKER_00: This sucks, blah, blah, blah.
• 53:02
  SPEAKER_00: And now I'm when something bad happens, I'm like, hmm, what's the lesson I'm supposed to learn here?
• 53:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and that's kind of how I go about life.
• 53:11
  SPEAKER_00: So all of the things that that happened um that were trials and tribulations for this film, like I learned something from every single one of them, and I'm grateful for for all of that.
• 53:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but it has been incredible the responses.
• 53:27
  SPEAKER_00: People coming up to me in theaters after watching the movie and just sobbing or just being grateful, or just you know, sometimes they don't they you they don't even say anything, they just they look into your eyes and you know exactly what they're feeling.
• 53:45
  SPEAKER_00: That by itself has made every piece of blood, sweat, and tears that I've put into this film worth it.
• 53:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm I'm so grateful for that.
• 53:56
  SPEAKER_00: And um, I am I'm writing another film now.
• 54:00
  SPEAKER_00: It will be a little bit um more lighthearted, I I could would say, but um definitely still grounded in personal experiences and and reality.
• 54:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I am a father now, and uh it took me a long time to get to the point where I felt that I could be a father because I had a fear of being like my father.
• 54:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, for sure.
• 54:26
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I finally found the right combination of people in my life and uh to where I was like, all right, I I can do this, I know I can do this.
• 54:36
  SPEAKER_00: And um, my daughter just turned one year old, and I'm I'm just so grateful because it's such an amazing experience to to be a father and to do those things for her.
• 54:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, congratulations.
• 54:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's wonderful.
• 54:50
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 54:50
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 54:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm a buddy who says uh life doesn't happen to me, it happens for me.
• 55:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I love that.
• 55:01
  SPEAKER_01: That is I love that another great opportunity to sort of reframe all of it, right?
• 55:06
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 55:07
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 55:09
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, Travis, when you said folks would come up to you afterwards, I think there's something very powerful about artists and about story and about why, as hard as it is to come to the other side of the hurt, um, to come to forgiveness for folks in our lives, and also to acknowledge that, you know, I was an asshole, Travis.
• 55:32
  SPEAKER_01: I was I I was capable of being an asshole.
• 55:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I gotta own that too, you know what I mean?
• 55:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um I didn't I didn't hurt well either.
• 55:41
  SPEAKER_01: I was a real jerk um at times.
• 55:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I mean, for us to sort of be able to sit and see all of that and then be able to articulate it, um, it helps so many people who can't find the words.
• 55:56
  SPEAKER_01: It helps so many people who don't know that they're not alone.
• 55:59
  SPEAKER_01: And that's why I want to do this podcast, and that's why I want to tell stories that matter, and that's why I want to invite people on to tell their stories because there's somebody folding laundry right now with earbuds on, or they're driving home from work listening to this episode, and they had no idea that somebody else felt that way too.
• 56:19
  SPEAKER_00: The same way that they did, yeah.
• 56:21
  SPEAKER_01: Everything changes when we have hope.
• 56:24
  SPEAKER_01: Everything changes when we feel like we're not alone anymore.
• 56:28
  SPEAKER_01: And um I want to thank you for making the film.
• 56:32
  SPEAKER_01: I want to encourage people to go see it.
• 56:34
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, Amazon Prime at the moment, right?
• 56:36
  SPEAKER_01: They can see it there.
• 56:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's called Central Valley.
• 56:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um this is Travis Andre Ross.
• 56:43
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, a real privilege and honor to sit and talk with you, sir.
• 56:46
  SPEAKER_01: And uh I really would like to talk again.
• 56:50
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe we'll talk at the opening of your new one.
• 56:53
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely, that'd be amazing.
• 56:55
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to.
• 56:55
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to catch up with you again.
• 56:57
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 56:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna be I'm gonna be, you know, reaching out to you to make sure that you make your film too.
• 57:03
  SPEAKER_01: So all right.
• 57:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not mad at you.
• 57:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I need.
• 57:08
  SPEAKER_01: I need nudges, man, because I get busy with stuff, you know.
• 57:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 57:12
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, I start to get bored of my own story, but whenever I share it, people are just you know, similar to what you said.
• 57:19
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely similar with what definitely kindered spirits, and I I really having me on here, and and it's been awesome just getting to know you better and talking with you more.
• 57:28
  SPEAKER_01: For sure.
• 57:30
  SPEAKER_01: All right, man, appreciate you.
• 57:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, likewise.
• 57:36
  SPEAKER_01: If this conversation sparked something for you, or if you want to dive deeper, head over to soulnotskin.com and take a look around.
• 57:44
  SPEAKER_01: Grab a copy of the book, Soul Knot Skin, free resources, or get on the wait list for our next workshop.
• 57:51
  SPEAKER_01: I hope you'll pull up a chair next time to hang out with us again.
• 57:54
  SPEAKER_01: We're figuring out this world and ourselves at the same exact time, growing as we listen to the stories of others.
• 58:02
  SPEAKER_01: Let's keep getting to know each other.
• 58:04
  SPEAKER_01: After all, we are in this together.
• 58:07
  SPEAKER_01: See you next time.