Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 121: Breaking Free from False Narratives: The Stories We Tell Ourselves (And How to Choose Better Ones!)

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121: Breaking Free from False Narratives: The Stories We Tell Ourselves (And How to Choose Better Ones!) · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:21
  I am MaryAnn Walker.
• 0:22
  I'm the life coach for empaths and highly sensitive people, and today I wanted to talk to you about the idea of storytelling.
• 0:29
  Now highly sensitive people are the best storytellers that I have ever met because they are so in tune with other people they're highly in tuned with their micro expressions, their mannerisms emotions, words, what they type in text message, they're highly aware of their actions and behaviors.
• 0:45
  They are very good at reading other people and discovering what emotion it is that that person is experiencing.
• 0:52
  But the stories that they tell themselves around this person's emotional state.
• 0:57
  Sometimes it's really not accurate.
• 0:59
  And so today I just want to really encourage you to challenge your stories and pick a healthier one.
• 1:03
  Recognize it is actually a story.
• 1:05
  Highly sensitive people are very worried about being the cause of somebody else's suffering.
• 1:10
  And because of this, they tend to write very negative stories about themselves because we focus on whatever it is that we're most concerned about.
• 1:17
  Right.
• 1:18
  So, if I'm saying don't think about pink elephants you're going to be having a hard time, not thinking about pink elephants.
• 1:24
  It's the same thing.
• 1:25
  If I'm constantly thinking about, okay, well don't offend anybody.
• 1:28
  Don't hurt anybody's feelings.
• 1:30
  Don't make the problem worse for them.
• 1:32
  What am I going to be thinking about?
• 1:33
  I'm going to be thinking about all of the ways I could really just mess things up right now.
• 1:38
  Right?
• 1:38
  All of the ways that I might have possibly offended.
• 1:41
  And that's what I'm going to be hyper focused on.
• 1:43
  So, yes, the other person, they might be mad.
• 1:46
  But that doesn't mean that they're mad at you and it doesn't mean that they're mad because of you.
• 1:51
  Yes.
• 1:51
  They might be really struggling emotionally, but that doesn't mean that you have done something wrong and that you need to apologize.
• 1:58
  Yes, they may be feeling particularly overwhelmed today, but it's probably not because you made a simple request.
• 2:03
  Right.
• 2:04
  So just kind of notice what is the story that I'm telling myself here.
• 2:08
  And is there a little bit of room here to entertain another story?
• 2:12
  Am I locked into this one and looking for all of the reasons that this story is true, or am I open to the idea that there could be another story available to me?
• 2:19
  The brain is going to look for evidence that whatever it is that you were thinking about is true.
• 2:24
  This is just how the brain is wired.
• 2:25
  We really love cognitive bias, so if we're thinking and believing something is true, our brain is going to find all of the evidence for us that that thing is true.
• 2:34
  So, if we can consciously choose a new story or something, that's a bit more positive or supportive for the life that we want to create, then our brain will subconsciously be given the assignment to start looking for evidence that those positive stories are true.
• 2:47
  Our stories are so impactful and we get to choose what story it is that we want to tell.
• 2:55
  And I'll be honest with you that these stories, they can be a little bit sneaky at times.
• 2:59
  Sometimes we don't even realize that we're telling ourselves a story.
• 3:02
  In fact, oftentimes when I'm in a session with somebody, I might tell my client, I might say.
• 3:07
  Hey, you know, that's just a thought, right?
• 3:10
  And they are just flabbergasted.
• 3:11
  They think, wait, what?
• 3:12
  No, that's not a thought.
• 3:14
  That is a fact.
• 3:15
  I know this to be true.
• 3:17
  That's not a thought.
• 3:18
  This is a fact.
• 3:20
  And they really want to reinforce what it is that they're thinking is true when really it truly is just a thought.
• 3:25
  And then as I really helped them to challenge that thought and challenge that belief, then we can poke holes in the unsupportive belief, which is kind of like plot holes in the stories that we're writing for ourselves.
• 3:35
  And then we can create something that is more supportive.
• 3:39
  And I get it.
• 3:39
  I just made that sound super easy.
• 3:41
  Honestly, it's a great thing to bring to a coaching session, to have somebody outside of you, to help, to challenge those beliefs and help you to recognize what is, and is not a story to help you to separate out your facts from the stories.
• 3:51
  It can be very, very impactful because so often, because we are hearing this story in our own voice.
• 3:58
  Because we really believe the story because our brain has been given the assignment to prove to us that this story is true.
• 4:04
  Then we assume that the story is true, but just because the story is being told in our voice, and it sounds really true to us, it still does not make it true.
• 4:15
  Another really interesting thing to observe about highly sensitive people is sometimes when we're telling ourselves these stories, we're not actually telling ourselves the complete story, but essentially we're telling ourselves just one little chapter from the book.
• 4:26
  So we might look at this chapter in the book and we might think, oh no, if I set a boundary with them, They're going to be upset.
• 4:33
  And maybe they will be, and maybe they won't be, but we will not know until we get to the next chapter.
• 4:38
  Too often, we write our stories from this very limited view of one chapter of our lives, but we don't look beyond that chapter.
• 4:46
  We end and we stop reading the story as soon as we start to feel uncomfortable and we don't follow it through to the end.
• 4:53
  So sometimes in a coaching session, I might ask them, yeah, what is the worst case scenario what's going to happen?
• 4:58
  I can see you have a lot of emotion around it.
• 5:00
  What is your story and how do you picture this playing out?
• 5:03
  And, you know, I'll I might even ask them.
• 5:05
  Okay.
• 5:05
  So let's assume that you do set a boundary with this friend what's going to happen.
• 5:08
  Are they going to disown you?
• 5:10
  Well, no, probably not.
• 5:11
  Okay.
• 5:12
  Are they going to rant and rave at you?
• 5:14
  No, probably not.
• 5:15
  That's not really in their character.
• 5:16
  Okay.
• 5:17
  Are they going to punch you in the face?
• 5:19
  No.
• 5:20
  Are they going to call you names?
• 5:21
  Probably not.
• 5:22
  So oftentimes then we create a lot of hype around these stories, but really the worst case scenario is that somebody might feel a little bit uncomfortable and guess what discomfort is.
• 5:33
  Okay.
• 5:33
  Discomfort is a part of life..
• 5:36
  And so when these highly sensitive people are going through life, highly attuned to other people's emotions.
• 5:41
  And highly aware of not causing any suffering for other people.
• 5:45
  What's usually happening is they're being highly accommodating on the outside towards other people.
• 5:49
  But inside they're really experiencing a significant amount of discomfort.
• 5:55
  And so they're accommodating others, but then they're feeling themselves be really resentful and angry on the inside.
• 6:00
  So it's not so much that the other person is coming at them and calling them names and.
• 6:04
  And really picking on them, but usually it's the highly sensitive person doing that to themselves on the inside.
• 6:10
  And so here's how I want you to think about discomfort.
• 6:13
  Discomfort.
• 6:14
  It can be just a neutral thing.
• 6:16
  Being uncomfortable.
• 6:17
  It doesn't mean anything until we have a thought about it.
• 6:20
  So I encourage you to think about discomfort, especially your own discomfort as a source of information.
• 6:27
  See what is coming up for you and see what things are and are not in your control.
• 6:32
  Notice if this is a discomfort that you were inflicting upon yourself by maybe not speaking your truth by maybe not stating a boundary, use that as information in order to help you to create a life that has less discomfort in it.
• 6:46
  So let me share some of the stories that we have around discomfort.
• 6:50
  Too often, we think, well, I have to wear a mask and pretend like all is well with me and I'm not experiencing any discomfort, dropping all of my boundaries and ignoring them completely to help you out.
• 7:00
  I need to pretend that I'm not experiencing any discomfort.
• 7:02
  So we're judging our own discomfort.
• 7:04
  And then we're also judging the other person's discomfort thinking, oh no, if they are uncomfortable, it means I have done something wrong, but what if we just neutralize that discomfort?
• 7:14
  If we can just neutralize that discomfort and see, oh, I am feeling uncomfortable.
• 7:19
  That might mean that I need to state a boundary.
• 7:21
  And also being okay with, oh, they're experiencing some discomfort and maybe through that discomfort, they can learn what it is that they need to learn in order to experience growth.
• 7:31
  When we are judging discomfort and thinking that everybody should never experience discomfort, we may actually be perpetuating our own discomfort and the discomfort of others, Because if we're continuing to jump in and rescue other people who don't actually need rescuing, they are never going to learn through the struggle.
• 7:48
  Right?
• 7:49
  I've talked about it before here on the podcast about the lifeguard, allowing people to practice, learning how to swim, seeing how far they can reach to touch, or even riding a unicycle.
• 7:57
  How often do they need to fall off of a unicycle?
• 7:59
  You're essentially falling off of a unicycle for 10 hours before you learn how to ride.
• 8:04
  But if I were to take that away and say no, because I don't want you to ever fall off of a unicycle, I'm going to take over on this.
• 8:10
  They're never going to learn.
• 8:12
  So remember if you have judgements around other people's discomfort, you may actually be perpetuating a significant amount of discomfort, not only for you, but for other people.
• 8:22
  for example, if you were somebody who is dropping everything to accommodate other people at a very short notice, you might be silently resenting them for not respecting your time.
• 8:32
  Right?
• 8:32
  If it's.
• 8:32
  I only have 10 minutes warning and they want me over there to help right now.
• 8:36
  And you're being resentful.
• 8:37
  and thinking they are not respecting my time, but here's the plot twist to this story when we are accommodating others and resenting them for not respecting our time, because we're showing up to help them.
• 8:47
  When we had other plans, it is actually us, not them who is not respecting our time.
• 8:53
  Okay.
• 8:54
  So just notice you have these plot twists coming in, so here we are.
• 8:57
  We're showing up.
• 8:58
  We're wanting to help other people what we're doing a little bit resentfully, because we don't want anybody else to experience a negative emotion.
• 9:04
  But what is going to happen with that one?
• 9:06
  We can kind of follow it through and see, okay, what's going to happen if I show up and I have a smile on my face and I do the thing, but I'm silently resenting them.
• 9:14
  There are some lessons that are not going to be learned.
• 9:16
  Right.
• 9:17
  So I may be telling ourselves the lie that, well, if I just show up, then they're going to know that this was a big sacrifice for me.
• 9:23
  And I had to rearrange my schedule to accommodate them.
• 9:25
  They're going to feel pretty guilty about that.
• 9:27
  And then they're never going to ask me short notice again, they'll give me 24 hours notice so that I can accommodate things, right.
• 9:34
  But that's not going to be what their takeaway is more often than not.
• 9:37
  Their takeaway is going to be.
• 9:38
  Wow.
• 9:38
  Look at this.
• 9:39
  MaryAnn was able to come over at a moment's notice.
• 9:42
  She must not be busy at all.
• 9:45
  I am now going to make her my go-to person.
• 9:48
  When I have a last minute thing that I need done, that I could have accommodated for with a little bit of forethought and planning.
• 9:54
  But now I know I don't need to, because MaryAnn will show up and do it for me.
• 9:59
  So we might think that we're teaching them a lesson.
• 10:01
  However, when we are robbing them from experiencing the discomfort that can come from, not planning ahead.
• 10:07
  They have no reason to change their behaviors.
• 10:09
  Oftentimes discomfort is what is going to push us to create that lasting change.
• 10:15
  And so we might actually be enabling them under the guise of helping, right.
• 10:20
  We're not actually helping them, uh, for showing up and we're putting on that mask and making them believe that, oh yeah, it's no big deal.
• 10:26
  I dropped everything and totally had to rearrange my schedule and my childcare to accommodate you.
• 10:30
  But really it's totally fine.
• 10:32
  Right.
• 10:33
  We are experiencing the discomfort in that moment.
• 10:35
  They are not experiencing the the discomfort.
• 10:38
  And so just kind of notice, what is this actually creating for me?
• 10:41
  Am I silently resenting them?
• 10:42
  If so, maybe this is a situation where I need to actually state a boundary.
• 10:48
  Okay.
• 10:48
  It's okay to tell people, Hey, guess what?
• 10:50
  I'm really happy to help you this time.
• 10:52
  But if you want my help again, I'm going to need at least 24 hours notice in order to accommodate you because I have some other things going on in my life.
• 11:00
  Now, what I have done for my kids is throughout school.
• 11:03
  I gave them each one, get out of jail free card during the school year.
• 11:07
  So if they forgot their lunch, If they forgot their flute, if they forgot their homework, I would give them one pass throughout the year where I would bring it to the school.
• 11:17
  And so that they wouldn't experience any negative consequences from that.
• 11:20
  However, If they did it twice or a third time, they would have to experience.
• 11:25
  Okay.
• 11:26
  You know what, when I forget my lunch, I'm a little bit hungry at school.
• 11:29
  When I forget my homework, I don't get the full amount of points.
• 11:33
  When I forget my flute, I have to be a little bit embarrassed in band as I'm playing my imaginary flute.
• 11:38
  Right.
• 11:39
  And so sometimes that discomfort is what's going to trigger that change and that is actually helping them too often.
• 11:46
  We think that I'm helping somebody by making sure that they do not experience any negative emotion ever, but we might actually be enabling their negative behaviors rather than actually helping them.
• 11:56
  So just check in with yourself and see what might be going on there.
• 12:01
  So one other story that we tell ourselves that I just want to kind of put out there to be aware of is oftentimes we think, well, if I start showing up authentically and setting boundaries, That means I'm going to just be ranting and raving and yelling at people all the time.
• 12:14
  But that's totally something that's out of your character.
• 12:16
  Let's be honest.
• 12:17
  It is possible to show up and communicate more fully.
• 12:20
  And honestly, and you can do that from a kind and authentic place.
• 12:24
  And it's okay.
• 12:25
  I've shared this on social media before, but I'm going to share it again, but the quote goes something like this.
• 12:29
  It says, you know, people pleasers are all, oh, I'm entering my villain era when really they're just setting healthy boundaries.
• 12:34
  And that's another story that we tell ourselves is we make ourselves the villain either way.
• 12:38
  So we're either making ourselves the villain because we're not accommodating other people or we're making ourselves the villain because we're actually stating a boundary with other people.
• 12:47
  So when somebody else sets a boundary, we're going to make it our fault.
• 12:50
  Oh no.
• 12:50
  They must think that I'm trying to invade on their space But then we also assign that story whenever we set a boundary, because the people pleasers, we wait a little bit too late to set those boundaries.
• 13:00
  And so we are setting a boundary because somebody is invading our space, but here's the thing we had to experience that discomfort in order to know that a boundary needed to be put in place.
• 13:10
  It's really not that big of a deal.
• 13:12
  So allow yourself to experience discomfort.
• 13:14
  And allow other people to experience discomfort and rewrite your story around it.
• 13:19
  It doesn't mean anything's wrong with you.
• 13:20
  It doesn't mean that you're a bad person.
• 13:22
  It doesn't mean that you're a raving lunatic or that you're a violent person.
• 13:25
  If you stayed a boundary with somebody, just notice your own stories.
• 13:28
  See what's coming up for you and write something that is more supportive.
• 13:32
  We already know that you're somebody that does not want to intentionally inflict harm on others.
• 13:35
  And guess what?
• 13:36
  The people in your circle, they know that about you too.
• 13:39
  So go into it, knowing that yeah.
• 13:41
  They know that I'm not a mean jerk.
• 13:43
  And also let them know that how things are currently playing out it is unsustainable for you.
• 13:48
  And just communicate about it.
• 13:50
  All right.
• 13:51
  So just to recap, remember that we get to choose our stories and pick a story that's more supportive for you.
• 13:58
  And Hey, if, as you were writing your story, if you discover that you're maybe experiencing a little bit of writer's block, because you've been writing the same story, your whole life come and work with me, I would love to work with you and help you do find a plot line, some do some character development here and help you to create a story that is more supportive for the life that you want to create.
• 14:18
  I am currently offering six week packages.
• 14:20
  My clients work with me for six weeks at a time.
• 14:22
  And so they're constantly coming and going.
• 14:24
  So if you would like to work with me, click the link in the show notes com and apply to work with me.
• 14:27
  And I will let you know when I can get you in.
• 14:30
  I would genuinely love to hear your story.
• 14:32
  And I would also genuinely love to help you write something that is more supportive for you.
• 14:37
  You are the author of your life.
• 14:39
  And guess what?
• 14:40
  You can be any character that you want to be.
• 14:42
  This is just an additional side note, but I was having a conversation with a friend of mine around stories.
• 14:47
  And this is going to kind of revisit the drama triangle series that I did.
• 14:50
  But here's the thing is.
• 14:51
  We know how these stories play out.
• 14:53
  If you kind of think about life archetypally.
• 14:56
  We know how the stories play out.
• 14:57
  So if you're playing the victim, who is the villain and what does that relationship look like in that story?
• 15:04
  However, you can choose once you've identified.
• 15:05
  Okay.
• 15:06
  Right now I'm playing a bit of a victim card here.
• 15:08
  How can you step in to the role of your own personal hero?
• 15:12
  What would that look like to create change for yourself and how might you step into that energy?
• 15:16
  When you think things through archetypally boy, it can be so impactful.
• 15:20
  It helps us to create a little bit of distance from the situation and let go of over identifying as specific roles and help us just kind of play around with it a bit.
• 15:29
  So use this as a creative writing experience, like just kind of dive in and play around with it that, oh, what would my life look like if I were being the damsel, what would my life look like?
• 15:40
  If I was the empowered queen?
• 15:41
  What would my life look like if I, you know, just fill in the blank, think about those stereotypical roles in even those children's stories and decide what character do I want to be and how would that character show up?
• 15:54
  In this space, in this relationship, in this conversation.
• 15:58
  It can be pretty fun to play around with.
• 16:00
  So yeah, you are the author of your life.
• 16:02
  Write a good story.
• 16:03
  And if you'd like to work with me, check out the show notes, I would love to work with you.
• 16:07
  All right.
• 16:07
  I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 16:09
  Bye now.