Latest / Harder Than Life / Discipline Won't Heal You: The Truth High Performers Fear w/ Brett Eaton

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Discipline Won't Heal You: The Truth High Performers Fear w/ Brett Eaton · Harder Than Life

• 0:01
  Now at Lowe's, faster quotes start at the Lowe's Pro Desk. Got a material list handwritten on a sticky note or saved us a photo? Perfect. Bring it to us and get a quote in minutes. And if you don't see what you need on the shelf, we'll help you get it. You can access thousands of products beyond what's available in-store or on lowes.com right from the Lowe's Pro Desk. Build quotes faster and source the materials you need to keep your jobs moving. Just like that at Lowe's.
• 0:30
  The unspoken struggle of a high performer is that nobody checks on them as often. It's not that a lot of people are playing the wrong game. A lot of people are playing the game wrong. And if we don't have a goal, what's the easiest thing? I'll just go do more. What's the most common lie successful people tell themselves? Is that the more money they make and the more successful they become will fill all the other buckets of their life.
• 0:56
  If you knew you had one year left to live, what would be the one thing you would regret not pursuing or not attempting? We're sometimes avoiding things. We're chasing more for the sake of not knowing why. That's a never-ending game. More never ends. What I learned was that you had to unlearn. We have to unlearn the things that we were taught from people who don't have the life we want. We can't remove our pain, but what we can do with our pain is recycle it. When my last day comes, I really hope people are telling stories about who I was and not what I did.
• 1:26
  Maybe both, but they sure as heck better be talking about who I am. Brett Eaton has worked with high performers for nearly two decades, helping them build businesses, confidence, and success. After losing his father at 16, Brett learned early that adversity is not optional. But what do you do with it? That's everything. You're already living with discomfort. You're just choosing whether it leads to growth or regret. Let's get after it.
• 1:56
  Welcome back to the Hunter Life Podcast. I'm Kelly Siegel. Today I have yet another brother from another mother. And it's an absolute honor. Just had a baby. Sitting there smiling from ear to ear. And there's a new book out if you guys are watching on YouTube, Uncomfortable Either Way. And we're going to dive into it and how he wins at life. So all the wins start with, unfortunately, something probably negative. And I want to take you back because I really resonate with this all the way back to your father.
• 2:25
  My father left the earth when I was 22. Yours was, I believe you were 16. And so take us back to that being 16, losing your dad and dealing with what we call injury. And how did that shape your worldview? Yeah, first of all, Kelly, thanks for having me, man. This is going to be fun. I've been looking forward to this for a while.
• 2:47
  Yeah, 16 was an interesting year, man. I was, things were cruising along, life was quote unquote easy, you know, had no reason to question things or be negative or think anything and then 16 all of a sudden, you know, I was a three sport athlete and I remember being a sophomore and going through off season workouts for basketball and there was a lot of hype around Brett Eaton at the time being able to start as a point guard as a sophomore and I was loving the hype. I was like, let's go, this is gonna be great.
• 3:16
  And I remember our first scrimmage, I just remember like something in my back didn't feel right. And I was like, why? I'm limping up and down the court. You know, the coach is looking like, what's going on? Let's take you out. Go to therapy, chiropractor, back in, same thing. Chiropractor, therapy, massage, back in, same injury. And at some point, I remember walking down the hallway and I got to my Spanish class. And her name was Miss Buendia, was our teacher. And she would always greet everybody at the door.
• 3:42
  I remember walking down the hallway and I looked up and I would normally say something witty or something in Spanish that was said wrong. And she would laugh and I just had tears running down my eyes. And she was like, what is wrong? And I just said, my back is killing me. Like every step I took, I just felt like a knife was twisting.
• 3:59
  Long story short, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, trying to figure out what to do. Should we fuse his spine together? Should we have surgery? Should we go in and remove a disc? Should we do all these things? And at 16, the advice we just kept getting was, don't do that at 16, right? Just don't do that. There's just way too much growth that's going to happen.
• 4:17
  Um, so it ended up the, you know, finally we got to a doctor that just said, Hey, we were going to, we need to shut you down for a year. We need to take 12 months. Let's see if you grow out of this, do therapy, do things and just, but like no sports. And I was devastated. I thought that was the worst thing that could possibly happen. I mean, I got depressed. I grew up my hair. I started like, like there's a couple of photos of me that looks like, um, that show that used to be like behind the band or whatever, where they were all doing drugs and all doing stuff. It was just like, that was my depression spot. Um, so it ended up the, you know, finally we got to a doctor that just said, Hey, we
• 4:43
  And then three months later, out of nowhere, dad was, my sister was home from college. We were, it was a Friday night. And I just remember like we were all around the dinner table. And I remember that specifically because, you know, two sister was in college. I was in high school. Schedules were all over the place. We very rarely sat down for a Friday night all together for dinner.
• 5:02
  And it was one of the best dinners we ever had. Dad was making jokes. Mom was happy. Mom made her special meal. Sister was home. Everything was great. I decided to go off to a friend's house to watch a movie and got a call a couple hours in of just like, hey, Brett, this is your best friend's mom. Your dad's on the way to the hospital. We need to pick you up and take you there real quick. And I'm like, what is going on? And I remember being in the car on the way there. Everything was...
• 5:28
  Kind of staying positive, but like don't know what I'm walking into here. And I remember running into the hospital, and I just remember before I could even ask the front desk, like, hey, where's Billy? And I looked to the left, and my sister was just like in tears, a mess. And I just knew. And I was like, I know I'm going to get really bad news here. And he had passed away before he even got there. Massive heart attack. He was 52. Yeah.
• 5:50
  And it just rocked my world. It went from there's nothing to be afraid of, this world is great, everything's positive, to what just happened. It's stuff you read about, but you don't ever think is going to happen to you. 16, man. I sat there and listened to everything you said, and I was thinking about when my dad, I was with my dad when he took his last breath, and I was 22 years old, and oh, man, the destruction that I put myself through. Yeah. After that, it was...
• 6:18
  How did that pain become your portal and influence your relationship with discipline and responsibility? I wouldn't say it happened right away. It was one of those things. Never does. Yeah, I wish it was like, oh, I became this positive force of life. No, it was actually the exact opposite. There was a lot of years of anger. There was resentment. There was resistance. There was numbing, all of the things. A lot of alcohol, a lot of, you know,
• 6:46
  went to school and for the most part, like on paper, I kept my life together, right? Got decent grades, get myself through school, those kind of things. But there was a lot of like, you know, when I'm gonna drink, I'm gonna drink a lot. And I'm gonna party and I'm gonna send it and we're gonna go full. And it was just like an opportunity to not have to think about what life was really like.
• 7:07
  And when I got back to playing sports my senior year, I started off playing basketball. And it was like a year's worth of pent up aggression. I was playing basketball like I was playing football. You know, like tennis.
• 7:22
  I think I led the league in technicals of just like a kid would set a screen, I didn't like the way he ran off me and then I would just drill him. And I would yell at my coach and like things that it was almost like, you know when you're spiraling and it's like I know this isn't me but I don't know how to act differently? It was that, it was like I was,
• 7:39
  Aggressive and I was angry and I was doing everything to the max and it was just that's what happened for a while and even through college Again had great friends and like nobody would be like anything's wrong with Brett But I could tell that I was just suppressing a lot of different things where discipline came was It honestly was like years later and I'm saying like late 20s. I started I started really reflecting on my dad and I think it was probably when it hit like the the
• 8:02
  it was when he had been gone just as long as he had been there. So you're talking 16 years I was with him, 16 years he was gone. All of a sudden, like that year hit me really bad. I was like, how could it have been 16 years? And I started reflecting on the things that I know that he didn't get to do. And I knew that he was super encouraging. He was tough on me, but he was super encouraging. And he was the kind of guy that like I could have a great game and there was always a room for opportunity, right? Not in a bad way, but just, hey, you scored a lot of points today, but you know,
• 8:32
  there was an opportunity to lead your teammates and you couldn't, you know, could you have done better? Could you have lifted somebody up? Could you have, you know, he was always like, people look up to you, you gotta take that power with some responsibility. And I remember him, whenever we'd go on vacation,
• 8:49
  We'd go for walks and we'd look at the big houses, right? All along the beach. Not where we were, but the ones that were all along the beach. And he would always say, like, I can't wait to retire and live by the beach. And he just, like, wanted to walk the beach, walk the ocean, jump in the water, like all those things that we would do all the time. And never got to. And that's when I started to realize, I didn't have the thought yet, but it started to hit me of,
• 9:13
  we will often push things down the road. And what my dad taught me was, you don't always get the opportunity, right? There are things that if you don't take advantage of now, or you don't do now, or you don't make happen, life won't always just deliver it when the time is right.
• 9:28
  So it was when I started to be like, man, I am not living up to my potential. I always felt like there was something meant for more. And that's weird to be living the way I was, but also at the same time being like, there's something in me. I know I am meant to serve a purpose. I know I'm meant to do more, but I was not living that way. And that's when I started to figure out these changes. I was like, I know there's more in me. I know that I should be doing more. And I also know all these things that I'm putting off because one day I'll do them.
• 9:52
  it was that 16 year mark with my dad's anniversary of his passing that woke me up a little bit. I'm like, I am doing the same thing. I am kicking the can on saying I wanna work for myself. Well, when are you gonna start that, Brett? When am I gonna clean up my act and start being like a real role model? When am I gonna start actually having a real relationship and not just like messing around and anytime anybody got close to me, I'd be like, I'm gonna sabotage the heck out of this and push you away.
• 10:16
  Yeah, it was a lot of that. So it was really through the dark that kind of came to the light. I wish I could say it was all roses, but it was basically this anchor in my life that I said, man, it's going to hold me back forever unless I figure out a way to turn this into some good.
• 10:32
  So I grabbed my phone not to look at the phone. I have notes from reading the book. I read it. This is our second reschedule. I had everything ready for it the last time, and I had to look at something because you just triggered it. Life is meant to be played on offense. That was one of the very first parts. I love that. But I like it for...
• 10:54
  an unhealed reason. As long as I'm playing offense, I don't feel anything. Do you have some of that going on? Yeah, I think, I bet you if we put a lot of high performers that we know in the room, we're all doing it for one or two reasons, right? We're all doing it to either overcome some sort of pain or trauma that we had at one point,
• 11:13
  Or we're avoiding. Or we're avoiding. Right? We're avoiding something and we're saying, hey, we're going to put all our eggs in this basket. That's the craziest thing about high performance that I think – when I got into that work, first decade was kind of in fitness and health and all those things. Second decade in my career was really high performance, speaking, writing, that area. Yeah.
• 11:30
  There was a lot that I expected. I expected to get around people that had big goals. People that thought differently. People that wanted to put plans together. People that spoke positive things into their life. A lot of things I expected. The things I didn't expect
• 11:45
  we're finding out that a lot of people who were really aggressively attacking life were sometimes avoiding things or were chasing more for the sake of not knowing why. And that's where it took a couple of clients where we'd hit this big goal and we would achieve this thing. We'd celebrate for maybe 48 hours and then life got harder. Life got more stressful. Their time became less in control and started having less dinners with their family. And all of a sudden, I'm like –
• 12:12
  It took me like, am I failing my clients? Like, are we achieving this thing and they're more unhappy? And like, is that my fault as a coach? And it started to really reframe the way I attacked coaching and really even just the things that I speak about now of it's not that a lot of people are playing the wrong game. A lot of people are playing the game wrong. Yeah.
• 12:32
  and we're going after things that we think we want because so and so has it. And if we don't have a goal, what's the easiest thing? I'll just go do more. I wanna be in more health, more money, more of this, more status, more everything. And we realize that that's a never ending game. More never ends. Progress hides in the places you resist going. That's, as I'm sitting here, I told you before we hit record, is I'm going through it right now. I'm 50 and I'm going through it.
• 13:01
  And as I'm listening to you, I'm like, holy shit. If I could put any high achiever over there, we're all very similar. I was on the phone with other people that you would know. All of us, same thing. It's uncanny, like my father died at the same time. I went down the drinking and drugs. I went down the whoring. And we've all done it. So if you're a father in the best way, there's something else that you're kicking down the thing. Heal.
• 13:29
  and pay it forward and live your life. One of the reasons for that, I have to point this out. I'm sorry, I loved your book. It's because if you think uncomfortable either way or harder than life, same thing. Oh yeah, same message. Same message, different story. And it is uncomfortable either way. I tried it every way but facing it, like I just said to you, and now I'm facing it and I understand why people don't do it. Like I just said to Stephen, I'm,
• 13:53
  I'm coming up on two weeks of being sad. Because I push those feelings down, and they're all coming up, and I just have to sit with it. And it's painful. I had two weeks of anxiety. Never had anxiety in my life. It was just things that I pushed out. But I also, another quote, sorry to steal you guys, go out and get this book, it's so good. I read it in three days, literally. And I messaged him and said, oh. Friends, family, and significant others make terrible accountability buddies. Meaning, we turn to our friends and family for support.
• 14:22
  And they oftentimes give us terrible advice. Yes. Talk about that. Yeah, well, terrible advice and also choosing somebody who's too close to you to hold you accountable, it's not actually fair to them. It's not fair for me to ask maybe my wife and say like, hey, I have this big goal. I want to stop doing this thing. Can you yell at me when I don't do it? Because what happens is they're…
• 14:45
  main reason for being around us is they want to see us happy. Right? It's not their job to come down and be the boss, to be the police, to be whatever, you know, the thing. So that's why I've always felt that anytime that I've asked somebody to be like, hey, be my accountability buddy is the phrase that I use, is it never works. It never works because it puts a strain on the relationship. And also they give you a huge leash, right? No worry, you'll get it next time, right? Because they want to support you. Do they? Does your wife give you a leash? I see it's a feeling she does not.
• 15:13
  She's actually a good accountability buddy, and we're actually decent for each other. But there's things that I can't go to her every time I have a problem, right? It's like that's not what your partner's job. They can't be everything for you. You hear that, Brittany? And still keep that intimate relationship. That's where I have found that mentors and coaches, and honestly, when I started to, any sort of big goal that I had, when I started to reach out to somebody, again, the reason why I like to pay for those type of things is like,
• 15:39
  Your sole job now is to keep me accountable. And guess what? I'm gonna listen to you because there's some sort of like pay to play type thing. You want it to be somebody that you look up to enough that you'd be disappointed to fail. So if you have somebody that you reach out to and you say like, hey, and honestly in the book I have the little action item of like, hey, send this to somebody.
• 16:01
  That you're not asking them for help. You're not asking them to do everything. You're not asking them to do work. You're simply sending them a text that now they know there's public accountability out there. And that you'd be disappointed to message them in six months and still not have done the thing. And if that person doesn't intimidate you enough to scare you into that, they're not the right type of person. They're not the person.
• 16:22
  Have you found that you're a high achiever and there's a level of expectation for you to achieve and to perform and to be good? I mean, when I mean good, not in, you know, you're a good boy, bad boy, meaning to achieve such standard that if you fall below it, that and you ask for help, that people think you're just joking.
• 16:44
  Like I just asked. From friends? You mean like? Yeah, from close friends who know you and know that, oh, he's good, he's just gonna figure out. There's a level of expectation. Brett's gonna figure it out. Do you run into that? The unspoken struggle of a high performer is that nobody checks on them as often.
• 17:01
  is that often your friends look at you and they're like, he's good, right? Or anybody who posts on social media. It's like if you show up, I mean, for a lot of people, that's a part of the business. You show up, you're keeping yourself accountable. But because people see the one side of it, and I wanna acknowledge you for a second, I love that...
• 17:19
  in a week's worth of content for you, you get a realistic shot of like, life is not always good. There are great days. There are not so great days. You just shared that you're going through, you know, a tough two week stretch. To me, that is somebody that I want to follow that guy. I want to look into his life because it's real. You're sharing the real side of it. Now I know both of us were positive guys. We don't want to be like, we're,
• 17:42
  We're never gonna be the like, every day is gonna be a disaster, I'm gonna share the worst thing that happened. That's just not what we wanna put out in the world. But there's real things that happen.
• 17:51
  And I think that that is so refreshing to see because the high-performance cry for help is that nobody checks on them enough. And then also, if we go through a phase where we're both gym rats, we both love it, if we fall below our standard and we tell somebody who maybe doesn't have that same standard of like, man, yeah, I've really kind of slipped since the baby's been born, or I've slipped in the last couple of weeks and I wanna lock back in, they're like, come on, man, are you kidding me? I would do anything to look like you. Doesn't mean the standard might not be at a place that you feel comfortable.
• 18:19
  Yeah, I run into... I ask that specifically because I'm going through it right now. And I have a tough time. You know who I'm leaning on is people that I've met through the podcast. Yeah, yeah. Where I reach out and go, okay, my friends don't get it. Yeah. And part of it is when I do... Then they reach back out and they're like, how are you feeling today? I let it. I don't go Mr. Tough Guy. I'm like, oh, I'm fine. Everything's good. I just go...
• 18:41
  Is it tough? It's tough today. Yeah. I'm battling it. So if someone does reach out, listeners, accept it. It's one of the hardest things to do because I had to figure out alone. Your dad died when you were 16. You had to figure it out alone. Yeah. I had to figure it out alone as well. But what I learned was that you had to unlearn those exact things that made you successful and
• 19:07
  You had to unlearn them to become significant. So talk about something that you did believe about yourself that you had to unlearn to get to that next level. I bet you it has to do with meeting your wife. There's a long list here. How much time we have. The unlearning is…
• 19:25
  The thing that holds more people back than the lack of knowledge. Most people think the thing that holds them back is I need to learn more. Or do more. Or do more. For most people, it's unlearning. And I'm going to try to say this as succinct as I can. It's unlearning things that we learn from people who don't have the life that we want.
• 19:43
  We have to unlearn the things that we were taught from people who don't have the life we want. There's a couple of them. I had to, for a while I had, what are they called, abandonment issues, right? So as soon as somebody got close, afraid that if my heart got too attached to this person that, again, my dad died of a heart attack, but it was even an intimate relationship of what if they break my heart, what if they just leave?
• 20:05
  What if I'm not good enough? What if they just disappear or they say, Brett, I want to break up with you? Nope, I'm going to break up with you first. I'm going to just... Now it's on me. I'm okay. I can live with that, but I'm not going to let anybody break my heart. That was a big problem in my relationships for a long time. What I had to do is I had to unlearn this idea that I will never...
• 20:23
  have a relationship that I saw my parents have unless I'm willing to take that risk. And to me that's where you either play it safe or you're willing to take the risk. But to me it's like, it's gonna be uncomfortable either way. It's gonna be uncomfortable alone my whole life or it's gonna be uncomfortable to potentially get your heart broken. But to have the love that I thought that I wanted in my life, you gotta be willing to get your heart broken. But it's like nobody wants to play that game.
• 20:48
  The other thing was money. There was a huge unlearning that I had to do with money because dad passed away at 16. Mom worked also but not at the – dad was pretty much the primary bread ringer. But between the both of them, like never –
• 21:04
  We were, I call us, we weren't poor, we were an or family. Brett, you could have this or that. Chelsea, my sister, you could have this or Brett, you could have this. You can't have both, but we were an or family. Then all of a sudden, mom's working two jobs, all of a sudden stress about money, stress about Brett going to college, stress about the future. All of a sudden, I never thought anything about money. I thought we were fine. We were like, you know, lower middle class, we were good. But then all of a sudden, hold on, money equals stress.
• 21:30
  And if you don't have enough money, you are going to be stressed. So what do we do with money? We hold on to it, Kelly. We hold on to every penny. We save. We don't spend. We don't invest because the stock market's gambling. We don't spend money that we don't have. And we always got to live under our means. So all of a sudden, when I, again, this kind of small epiphany I had of all of the money habits and lessons and beliefs that I have are not going to get me to the life that I thought I was dreaming for myself.
• 21:56
  So I started to realize I needed to get around people who thought differently. People who are not afraid of money. Money is not an evil thing. People who have money are not bad people. I had to rewrite that all. I had to get around people who, you know, when it came to business, I'm like, okay, if I say I want to run my own business, I know nothing about running my own business. What do I do with taxes? What do I need a credit? I need a business credit card? Interesting. Never thought of that. All of these things, but I had to get around that type of mindset and I almost had to flood
• 22:23
  the unlearning out of me. I had to get so much knowledge around that. And eventually, I had to just look in the mirror and be like, dude, this is not mom's fault. This is not dad's fault. This is not. This is nobody's fault but me. If I wasn't taught it, I could either be angry and miserable and poor for the rest of my life or I could fucking teach myself. And I had to get around people that learned. And I would still say there's so much to learn. And you brought my wife into it and there is no way...
• 22:51
  I would have ever found a woman like that who was interested in me if I didn't. Now, for those of you who don't know, my wife sold her company for like $90 million. Maybe, I don't know, maybe more. She'll be mad if I get that number wrong. But there was a drastic difference in wealth when we got together. But what she found attractive in me, which was like so helpful for her to even tell me. Besides your devastation.
• 23:18
  Now at Lowe's, faster quotes start at the Lowe's Pro Desk. Got a material list handwritten on a sticky note or saved as a photo? Perfect. Bring it to us and get a quote in minutes. And if you don't see what you need on the shelf, we'll help you get it. You can access thousands of products beyond what's available in-store or on Lowe's.com, right from the Lowe's Pro Desk. Build quotes faster and source the materials you need to keep your jobs moving. Just like that at Lowe's. That didn't look handsome, just so you know.
• 23:48
  Besides good energy and a couple of reps of bench press is that I was curious and I was learning. And like while I maybe hadn't gotten to where she got yet, I was happy with what I was doing. I took care of myself. I brought good energy to the table. And also I was like really interested in learning all this stuff. There's a difference between having wealth but also having a wealthy person mindset. You need that mindset before you catch up to the wealth. You need to think like and act like a fit person before the fit type of thing comes.
• 24:18
  and I think that that was huge, and I don't think she would have found me attractive. I don't think she would have found, you know, there wouldn't have been enough there if I hadn't already started to unlearn some of those things that now allow me to step into this lifestyle that came a lot faster than I thought it was gonna come, but I think we do a really good job with kind of our money management together. This is great.
• 24:37
  What I'm hearing, and I can only ask you this because I'm right smack dab in the middle of it, and I would fight you if you said this. What I'm hearing is I have to earn worthiness. When I got abandoned, when I had scarcity with money, I didn't feel worthy. And I'm saying all this specifically because I'm in the middle of it right now. And I want to say it for the listeners so they understand that.
• 24:59
  These thoughts in your head are magical lies, and your parents did the best they could with what they had. It's your job to take it and go further, because the uncomfortable either way is you're either going to have a slow death.
• 25:12
  or you could have a fast life. You choose which way you wanna go. What I mean by that is you keep doing the same old thing around life's merry-go-round. You're just gonna keep going and going and going, and at the end you're gonna puke or just have regret. Or face those fears, it is the portal. Live your dreams, it'll happen. Like I'm three months into this massive healing journey, I'll be done in another three months. So six months out of my life, then I get to live
• 25:37
  the next several years in abundance. Yeah. Versus never working on myself and wondering why the same thing keeps happening. Can I ask what made you say, I'm going to start working on this now? Or was it one thing? Was it a couple things? Because I think a lot of people feel that and they say now's not the time, right? I don't have time for this. And again, we're talking about hustlers. We're talking about people who are doing things. I imagine a lot of your audience is people who are like, you know,
• 26:03
  I'm just going to ignore that, work harder, I'll make more money, and that'll solve the problem that I'm dealing with maybe over here. That's a lot of the audience, but a lot of the audience is still afraid. And they fear change. The whole world feels change. Look at what's going on in this world. We just want our lives to stay the same, and they're not even...
• 26:25
  Great. Yeah. Why do you fear change? Only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Yeah. Like it drives me insane. Face your fears, live your dreams. What made, what asked me? I'm gonna learn it all. And I grew up, I was talking to therapists yesterday and I was like, ah, everybody's had a bad childhood. And she looked at me and said, yours was horrific.
• 26:46
  And I went, you're telling me on all your things, mine is mine, she's just right up there. And I'm like, whoa, okay. So I had to go through a lot of therapy and I was headed down a path where all my friends are dead or in jail. And I spent a year, I got sentenced to a year, I did four months.
• 27:05
  And I just didn't want that life. So I started doing healing, but just enough to say our healing. Right. We've all been there. You know, the person that works out with you. And it's like, oh, I come, I come five days a week, but they're giving it 70% effort. Yeah. What this last one. Now I went to talk therapy, hypnotherapy, EMDR therapy, plant medicine, emotional intelligence training. All of them worked.
• 27:29
  It was different levels required me to shed, unlearn something and become a next version. Different levels, you encounter different devils. You got to become different. What got you here will keep you here. Yeah. We'll get you there. We'll do something else. We're just going through. I want to be the number one podcaster in the world. That's a very bold thing to say. Yeah. Rogan's the number one. He's been doing it for years. Yeah. And I have to unbecome what I used to be and everything we're talking about, I'm doing. Yeah.
• 27:57
  And I just, he, we're looking at Steven, the producer, and he'd say, you're just, when we have a conversation, you're amazing. And then you get on the freaking podcast and you filter it. And it's not, and deep down, it's a, am I worthy? Right. So if I know, if I have a known enemy,
• 28:21
  And my known enemy right now is me. I'm gonna attack it like my life depends on it, because it does. And really truthfully, I finally figured out that I have something in this world to give to everybody, and I'm gonna pay it forward. And if my pain,
• 28:35
  can help one person, I'm gonna damn do it. And I'm gonna do it over and over, and every day I get a message from somebody, a phone call from somebody saying thank you, thank you. I've gotten so many people sober, I've gotten so many people, just this week I put a thing about, I had anxiety for two weeks, and I said it's trauma, unhealed trauma, 100%. Someone messaged me and said, how do you resolve the trauma?
• 28:58
  So I'm going to record a solo episode on all the different modalities and everything it did for me. Now, some people use that as a way to, you know, I'm in personal development. I'm in... To avoid the feelings, I'm in it. Yeah. I'm in it. So...
• 29:14
  I just want a better life. And, you know, I'm healthy enough that I know I'm going to live to about 100, 120. So I'm just starting to live right now, Brad. Yeah. And there's so many people that aren't living. They're prisoners in their mind because they're just afraid. I'm afraid to stay the same. And I bet you are. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I love your ABCs. Action builds confidence.
• 29:39
  I would tell you I'm one of the most confident people in the world. And the funny thing about it is most of the time I don't know crap. But I will go forward. There's a protector in me that is courageous that just says go. You'll figure it out. I have always somehow my stepfather who was also abusive, he used to tell me I was nothing. That I had to mount to nothing. I was stupid. I was dumb. And I just always knew he was wrong.
• 30:05
  So I built this courage that I would just go and I trusted me that I'd figure it out. Well, now I don't have to trust me. I got people like you I can call. I got people like Jen I can call and just be like, hey, I'm stuck here. I need some help. Yeah. And then, boy, I tell you what, you want a tribe of people, call some influencers who are actually doing it. Yeah. And they won't let you. Yeah. They won't let you.
• 30:29
  It's like I got a couple of people that I let in recently that are up my behind parts every day. He's like, what are you doing today? What is this? How are you feeling? And my thing is mine isn't a do it problem, and I bet you yours isn't either. It's an allow it problem. I need to be a human being, not a human do. And I've always been do, do, do because I'm chasing worthiness. So talk about how you're the confidence guy and do.
• 30:55
  How did you become that? Because I just told you my backstory. Well, there's a couple of things you touch on there. And we have an asphyxiation with people who are like so authentically themselves. And we love them online. We love the celebrities that are like, don't give a, they just themselves, they don't care. They do the thing they do. And then we live our life trying to make everybody happy.
• 31:15
  We live our life doing the exact opposite. It's like, hold on a second. We admire those people. Why do we admire them? Because we want to be more like that. We wish that we had a little bit more of like not give an F. Now, I don't believe in the live life and don't care what anybody else thinks. If I didn't care what anybody else thinks, I'd probably be wearing my pajamas still. It's like I do care. I want to dress. I want to feel good. I want to feel confident. I want to come. I want to have a great podcast. When I look good, I feel good. When I feel good, I podcast good. So...
• 31:41
  You bring the best self of yourself, but at the same time, you have to be willing to lean into it. And you said something previously that I want to touch on quickly is the progress lies in the thing that we avoid the most. And for each person, that's different. It's not going to be the same. You could say maybe it's therapy, maybe it's the worthiness. For somebody else, it might be picking up the phone and calling.
• 32:07
  get on a better relationship with their mother that they haven't had for a while, right? It could be anything for that person. But that's to me where there's this fork in the road of life. And everybody has that thing. It could be multiple things. It could be one thing. But everybody has that fork. And you said being in service of others. I think that is the biggest 180 in anybody else, in anybody's life, that they have pain, that they have trauma. And the line that I write in the book is that,
• 32:35
  We can't remove our pain. I can't remove the pain that I had that injury. I can't remove the pain that I had from losing my dad. But what we can do with our pain, Kelly, is recycle it. And what I mean by recycle it is if we can take that pain and help other people. Help one person. It doesn't have to be multiple people. But I remember the first time that I stepped on stage...
• 32:57
  and I was giving a keynote and it almost slipped out. It wasn't part of anything I planned, but I had mentioned off the cuff that I lost my dad when I was 16. And I shared how traumatic that was for me and then went on the way and did the rest of my keynote. And afterwards, the line of people that wanted to shake my hand and meet me all wanted to talk about that one thing. Brad, I also lost a parent. I lost a parent last month. I lost a parent when I was young. It was the part that everybody connected with.
• 33:24
  And here I am saying, hold on. I said all of these other things that I thought were great. I shared this one part of me, this one scar that I didn't think anybody was going to relate to. And that's the piece that everybody felt seen and felt heard and felt that they related to. I said, I'm missing the whole boat on this speaking thing.
• 33:39
  The thing that people need is the part of me that they can see in themselves. They don't need another guy screaming high performance this, high performance that. There's a place for that. But what they need is they need to feel seen. They need to feel accepted. And what they need to say is, hey, what is the thing that you're avoiding? And if you can take that and maybe be in service of other people,
• 34:00
  All of a sudden, everybody who is doing something big realize that that's the key to unlocking, not just success, but I think a lot of fulfillment in life is, hey, I went through this pain. I can't take it away from me. I can't take it away from you. But can I help you? Can I be in some sort of service that maybe makes your pain a little bit more bearable?
• 34:20
  I love that. I keep looking at notes because you say something to judgment. Now, I did look. All fairness. I am 50. I'm getting a little old. I finished your book October 12th. We're sitting here. It's April. So we're six. Yeah. Yeah. So I do apologize. And I need to read it. When you say something, I got to go back and look down. And you went right there. For you and I, pain of the death of a parent is very obvious. Yeah.
• 34:45
  What about the person that really doesn't know? Because you wrote in here, it's literally, we already know what we need to change. Let's go down that path because I don't think we do. Deep down, if we can get still and silent and be alone, we can probably figure it out. But most people listening to this are like, I get it. I want to change. But I don't know what's...
• 35:12
  What is holding me back? Like, I didn't know recently. Yeah. And it was just sitting with a podcast guest who happened to be a therapist. And I went, ooh. Yeah. Yeah. And so what if someone's listening going, I didn't have, Brett Kelly, I didn't have a parent that died. Yeah. I didn't grow up a childhood where I was beat. What is my...
• 35:34
  What do I need to work on? What's the bat signal for the average person? I would suggest two things. One, just like you said, we don't have enough stillness in our life that allows those things to come. And I'm going to be dramatic. Go in the forest and look at a tree. Without your phone. Without your phone.
• 35:51
  I know that's funny and eye-rolling and ironic. It's true though. But we just don't have enough pause. We're on the train. We're on the subway. We're driving. We're doing all these things and we're multitasking podcast. I was even driving today and like the first 15 minutes I like didn't turn the radio on, didn't turn the thing on. And immediately I was like, I feel like I should – I have an hour drive. I got to figure out something to do. And I'm like, why? Why?
• 36:14
  What is that desperate need of like, I'm afraid of being bored. And I'm also afraid of wasting an hour in the car. Wasting an hour. And I'm not great at that. I'm saying this because it is like, I recognize this thing that I need to change. The second thing is, I do believe that deep down, it's the thing we're avoiding the most.
• 36:33
  For, let me give you a couple examples throughout life. For one, it was, I knew I was the guy who was complaining about his job. I was working at a gym at the time. I knew that there was more. And every day, every Monday, I bitch about driving to work. I hate this. I can't believe I'm doing this. And what would happen? Monday through Friday. Friday would come around. Let's party the weekend. Guess what happened? Drive to work Monday. I hate this job. So wait, it's the thing that you bitch about the most. This is the number one. It's the thing you either bitch about the most or the thing that you complain about the most and refuse to change. There you go.
• 37:01
  Because there's a couple levels of complaining. One, doesn't bother you at all. Two, complain just enough but not enough to change it. And three, it is so uncomfortable, you have to change it immediately as possible. Most people are not at three. That's the confusion. Most people think it's this thing that you have to desperately change. No, maybe you're an alcoholic and you get in a car crash. That's like, hey, I have to change this immediately. But for most people, just enough drinks that doesn't ruin your life, doesn't change anything. Just enough to keep you comfortable from not making the change that you need.
• 37:30
  The second thing for me was drinking. And I didn't think it was that thing because it was that thing I didn't want to change. I loved going out. I loved partying with the boys. And I guess it wasn't messing up my life, Kelly. It wasn't this thing that was like a disaster. I wasn't an alcoholic. I wasn't this terrible person. It wasn't ruining my life. But it wasn't aiding me in this life that I was envisioning. The time that I spent, the time, energy, money, exhaustion, hungoverness, all of that, that was stopping me from spending the time
• 38:00
  building this business that I thought I could build with the time that I had to actually build it. So I would, I would challenge people that a lot of times it's not that we don't know what we want to change. It's that there's a change and we're unwilling to make a bold decision.
• 38:15
  We're not stuck. A lot of people like that word because it kind of releases it. I'm stuck so I don't know what to do right now. No, no, no, we're not stuck. It's like going down a dead end. Do we just ever put it in park and be like, dead end, I'm stuck here. Yeah, that's how our life is. That's where our whole life. Reverse it, turn around, go make a different decision. So I challenge that person and only because I don't want somebody to be like, I'm that person, I'm stuck, I don't know what to do.
• 38:41
  You can't wait. You got to, but you do need to create some space. Create some space. Let yourself breathe a little bit. Maybe you get off social media. Maybe stop infiltrating your brain with a hundred other things or a billion other changes that you could make.
• 38:53
  Let yourself feel. Come a little bit. Let's see what actually needs to change. And that's going to be different for every person. And the reason why I love both of our books is life may be hard right now. It doesn't mean that in a couple months when you're done with therapy. It doesn't mean a couple months when my baby gets old. It's like life's now easy for the rest of time. No, it's going to be a different heart. It's going to be a different uncomfortable.
• 39:13
  That's the change that we go through. So as long as you understand, hey, I got to figure it out now. And then guess what? The game resets. It's almost like a board game. Clear the pieces. Hey, let's start over. New game. Like new game in a month. New game when you hit 40. New game when you hit 50. New game when you, you know, a parent dies. New game when you get a new job. It's all a new game. The uncomfortableness means you're growing.
• 39:34
  So if you're not uncomfortable, you're stagnant and are you really living? But understanding which pieces I'm uncomfortable. There's a lot of people who get uncomfortable without any sort of reason or purpose. I'm just gonna do hard things. Doing hard things is great. Doing hard things, understanding of what it's going to give you or finding out the right uncomfortable, to me it's like don't.
• 39:54
  Don't bang your head against the wall for the sake of banging your head against the wall. That's not good. But to me, choosing the right uncomforts in your life. And that's where sometimes clarity, sometimes a coach, sometimes some friends, sometimes a mentor, sometimes somebody who knows you well. The uncomfortable in your life right now, it's like, hey, you know you have to choose, right? Like I got some injuries right now and I've been just kicking the can and being like, man, I don't want to do that. I don't want to go down the road to fixing them. I'm just going to like – I'm okay with 80% in the gym. And like at some point, man, I'm not okay with 80%. Like I just –
• 40:20
  Dude, this is like you got to just look at the cover of the book. It's everywhere. Remind yourself, how do I want to feel in two years when my kid's now running around? And like it's different now, right? It's different than holding him than when he's running around. Dad, let's go run.
• 40:33
  What is that going to look like? So it's always changing. It's been a minute since I've gotten on a soapbox about alcohol. The universal message from Kelly Siegel is going to be, if you're drinking regularly, don't. It's that simple. There is no reason to put that poison in your body. And I was like you. I had no...
• 40:52
  I was a life of the party, had fun, never hit rock bottom. I just one day woke up and said, I'm going to try life without it. And I loved it. I was the master of both things. Guys, if you're drinking on a regular basis, just don't. You want to know the one uncomfortable thing. If you can't figure out what uncomfortable way or what's holding you back, stop drinking for 90 days and it'll smack you right in the head because that's what happened to me.
• 41:15
  that may be the space you need. Maybe it's not the forest and the trees, ironically. But for a lot of people, just clear that out for a little bit. Instead of on a Saturday waking up feeling whatever, or every night feeling uncomfortable, or the Sunday scaries that everybody gets of like, hey, what's life gonna look like in 10 years, five years? Just sit with it a little bit. You mentioned something about really feeling, like pushing it down for feeling. The craziest thing, and I don't share this often, but the craziest thing that I've found from
• 41:45
  from stopping drinking, I cry more than I ever have in my entire life. I,
• 41:52
  Bro. And not in like a, I'm sappy, I'm like can't control my, it's, I'll cry when something is so beautiful, it brings me to tears. I'll see a dad with his son and doing things and I'm looking five years down the road and I'm like, man, like it makes me think of my son and I just tear up. I connect to movies deeper, I connect to music deeper. It's the part of not drinking that completely blew me away. You may be drinking and be like, I drink and it gets me emotional. Try not drinking.
• 42:20
  It is the thing that has opened up like the full spectrum of emotions to me. And I'm not special. I've heard this from a lot of people. When I share this with them, they're like, dude, me too. Like all of a sudden I feel, but not just the, like the sadness. Yes. Feel that go through that. But also it has allowed me to, I feel like to reach a new level of when an experience is like beautiful or beautiful.
• 42:42
  emotional or connects me to somebody or makes me think of mom that somebody special to me it can bring me to tears in the best way hold that because we're going to go back to that but i want to say something because you called me out so the drinking numbs you from pain but also numbs you from the good yeah and
• 43:03
  there's a lot of good and I was in between the anxiety and now the sadness. I had a couple of days that you know it gives you a little bit like hey here's what life's gonna look like and I had this mass of gratitude on my way to the office and I just started crying profusely and I get to the office before everybody else.
• 43:23
  I get out of my car and one of my employees come up behind me. I'm literally full blown tears and he needed to talk to me. And I'm like startled me. And I don't think he knew that I was crying, but I was laughing. And I just, yeah, it happened. And it's just, it was, it was from gratitude. It was like, Hey, I'm in the mud right now. Yeah. And it's like doing a set of, of something where it's just hurts, but you know, you're growing.
• 43:48
  Yeah. And I can't remember the exact thing. I'm pretty sure it was, people are going to think I'm weird, but I think God was talking to me going, I see you keep going and I'm proud of you. Yeah. And I just burst out in tears and was like, whoa. Let's talk about elite people now. Yeah. Because there are a lot of elite people that listen to this. What's the most common lie successful people tell themselves? Is that the more money they make and the more successful they become will fill all the other buckets of their life.
• 44:16
  And a lot of people will try to outwork a bad relationship or try to outwork the health that they don't have or try to outwork or out earn the lack of relationship, the true relationships that they have in their life. And that took me a while, too. And the craziest part of it, and you must know this.
• 44:37
  The craziest part about all this is like, just because you coach it and you teach it, it doesn't remove you from having to go through it. And a couple years ago, I went through it myself, of my scoreboard changed in the wrong way, of meet my wife, life is great, living in my dream home, have everything I've ever wanted, marry my wife, and find myself
• 45:00
  obsessed with the work scoreboard and letting all the other scoreboards not matter as much. Got great friends, got a great wife, like doing these things, but my day was only successful when I booked a new speaking event, when the book was making progress, when I was earning money, how much should I make this, how many clients, and all of a sudden it was like I was missing a lot of happiness in my life.
• 45:21
  And I know this. It's like I coach this. I know this. And it took me like, you know, you talk about a sign. You know, there was a sign from my, when we see a rainbow, my mom and I, we text each other. And it's kind of my dad's way of being like, oh, like dad's looking. Like, thanks dad. Like I needed that reminder. And I was outside one day and kind of having like a weird conversation.
• 45:43
  a weird reflection of I'm unhappy right now and I'm really finding it hard to find happiness and fulfillment when there should be gratitude everywhere. Like my life has everything I've ever wanted. There's nothing else I like desperately need. There's things I want, but there's nothing I need right now. Why can't I enjoy this? Why can't I be happy?
• 46:02
  I'm sitting outside, like just trying to catch my breath. And I see a rainbow, sunshine, Miami, no rain. I'm having the chills. Where does this rainbow come from? I said, dad, I see you. Please send me a sign. Like I need something. And I go up and I'm cleaning my desk. And this is like right, this is before the book was coming out. And there was a stack of books that I was looking at and using as references for like the thickness of the pages and the fonts and you know, all the things you need to choose when you write a book. And I'm cleaning up my desk. And on the bottom of that pile, there's a book called The Richest Man in Town.
• 46:30
  I don't know if you've ever read it. It's like 85 pages, super small. But I don't know where I got that book from, Kelly. I don't remember buying it. I don't remember anybody sending it to me. And I have no idea where it came from. And anyway, here I am. I'm like, okay, that's really weird. All the books looked exactly like this one. And then there's this tiny little thin square book called The Richest Man in Town. I say, I'm going to read this book. I don't know why it's here.
• 46:49
  I read it, it's all about this guy from South Dakota, he works at Walmart, he's 80 years old, and his whole thing is he's a cashier. And everybody that comes to his line, he looks at him, he stops him, he says, hey, how you doing today? And everybody's kind of startled of like, just check me out, man, why are you asking about how I'm doing?
• 47:06
  And when they're done, he walks around the cash register, puts the cash in one hand, their chains, shakes them in their hands, says, I really hope you have a really good day. He starts to remember their names. And all of a sudden, in this Walmart, there's a line to get checked out by this guy, right? His name's Marty.
• 47:22
  And the person who ended up writing the book about this guy Marty is in his line. And at first he's like frustrated. He's like, this guy's taking forever, man. Like what's going on? Then he gets that experience and he realizes that's a like day changing experience just because he took the time to look you in the eye, check in how you are. And he ends up following this guy Marty around for a couple of years and ends up writing this book called The Richest Man in Town.
• 47:46
  And I hear this and I'm like, man, this is such a good reminder of how simple it could be. And he's got a couple of rules. It's like, do a little more. Only you can make you happy. And friendships matter the most. Relationships matter the most.
• 47:59
  And I'm like, richest man in town, richest man in town. Like, what about that book? What about that saying? What about everything? It's like, why do I need to hear this? Like, why is dad sending me this message? And then I'm coming home from the gym one day, a couple days later, and I sprint to my office, and I'm like, I think I figured it out. And I go in my safe, and I pull out, like, the most important speech I ever read, which was the eulogy of his funeral.
• 48:19
  And in there, I have a line and I wrote it in a poem because I had no idea how to put my words together. So I was like, I'm going to rhyme the words and just write a poem to try to get through this. And I wrote in there, you know, we never had a lot of money and money never got you down. It wasn't until yesterday I realized you were the richest man in town. And I wrote that in 2009. And I wrote that because when you're, it's going to get me here.
• 48:43
  But I remember standing at the funeral and the only good part, I know a lot of people have lost a parent and they don't always know how and they don't always know when and they don't know why. The only good part about losing my dad when I was 16 is I had to stand in that line for hours and shake people's hand as they came to pay their respects. And I got to hear everybody's best story of my dad.
• 49:06
  I got to hear everybody's best story. And not everybody gets to do that. And it was at that time that, you know, in that poem, two days later, when I'm speaking in front of a church full of people, I call him the richest man in town because nobody commented about how much money my dad had. Nobody commented on how great he was at work or how much success he had. Everybody commented on who he was. Everybody commented on the text that he would send on their birthday.
• 49:31
  They would comment on like when Billy would show up to an event or for work, everybody was like, oh, work is going to be better because he's here. And he just brought good energy. And like the one thing I remember about my dad was like, I call it Uncle Billy energy because all the cousins and stuff, he was the one on the ground playing with everybody, wrestling with the dogs. If we were playing flag football, he was out there while some of the other, you know, aunts and uncles weren't. It's just, that's what I, that's why I called him the richest man in town. And it was like, that was the universe telling me, dude.
• 49:59
  you're missing it. The work success is great, but your worth is not going to come from how much money you have. And I really believe that anybody who's been that person at the funeral where somebody you care about, there are people who will come up to you and talk about what you did and there are people who come up to you and talk about who they were. And it was a reminder that I wanted to, when my last day comes, and I don't know when that is, I really hope people are telling stories about who I was and not what I did.
• 50:27
  Maybe both, but they sure as heck better be talking about who I am. Well, that was so good. You troke me out because...
• 50:35
  I'm so everything happens for us and not to us. And I was, I'm, I know that you needed to be here today and not in December before the kid was born, before Elliot was born, we were trying to connect. And then we had it set in January or February. And today you were meant to be here cause I needed to hear that story. And I'm looking down and I'm, cause I'm going to say a sad story. And I only saying this because we have to feel the heel and, and,
• 51:02
  My father didn't live a day in his life. He was probably the poorest person in town, both from a financial perspective and from just a living perspective. He never lived a day in his life. And I eulogized him, and I'm mad, because he was the smartest, probably the smartest guy in town, and just wasted his life away. And I needed him.
• 51:27
  And you had some great times your dad. I know it was cut short. It's 30 years now my dad's been gone and it just, I miss him. I say to Steven all the time about his mother. I mean, he takes his mom to lunch. I'm like, right, kill for that. Yeah. And what I did is for 30 straight years until I decided to heal.
• 51:47
  I had the uncomfortable the wrong way. Yeah. And I, this is why the harder than life podcast exists. Cause I want everybody to look in the mirror and know it's an inside job. It's not easy. Good Lord. It's not easy, but it's necessary to live. Cause my dad didn't live a day in his life. He died at 46 and was, it just, it never was there. And I needed him. There's times I needed him now. Yeah.
• 52:11
  The good news is I healed and I paid it forward and my daughter and I are close and she's got a dad that's strong. So what I didn't get, I was able to reparent and pay it forward. So it's a happy story. When you heal, you genuinely can be happy for other people. When your kid was born, I texted you right away. Yeah, you did. I messaged you and I was like, And we hadn't met. And for everybody to know, you text me more than people I've known my whole life. And I genuinely appreciate that. That tells me who you are. I literally...
• 52:41
  I didn't want to be weird, but I was genuinely happy for you. Because the best day of my life was when my daughter was born. And I can imagine. And I watch you and your wife, and you guys are just living life the right way. And I'm just happy for you. Thank you. And a good kid's gonna come from you. And you're gonna live a long time, because you're gonna get your heart checked and make sure that you keep yourself right. And thank you for all that. And we got deep there, guys.
• 53:11
  that's this is what healing looks like this is what you get to do amongst brothers that connection is just deep man i feel you right now we were talking since we're deep into the fields right now how do you to teach men to feel besides going first like we just did
• 53:27
  But how do you teach them to feel without losing their edge? That is a great question. I never used to speak to men specifically. You know, for years, all my coaches and my speaking coaches have been like, you know, your message would be great for just men. And I have this like fear of like, if I just talk to men, I'm going to lose, you know, the stages and the place that I want to speak. And like, of course, right? Like so nervous. But I've been, I've spoken to some men's groups lately, some men's events, like men's only events. And the message resonates because
• 53:55
  I think there's something really powerful. And I wouldn't say that Brett, you know, everybody who knows me, they're like, Brett's not the touchy feely guy. I'm not the like emotional, the cry, like I'm not that guy. But lately I have found exactly like you said, by going first and sharing some of the,
• 54:12
  the vulnerability sides of it. And to me, that's where in a perfect world, if I ever got to go speak at an event, I would love to like give my keynote and then do a workshop because the keynote kind of sets everybody up for like, hey, I understand high performance. I understand that like nothing has been more powerful for me than high performance.
• 54:30
  And what I like to tie that into is like use the best parts of that and don't get lost in this endless cycle of chasing more that our life goes by and we never actually get to enjoy it. The same way it takes dedication, it takes time, it takes commitment to raising your standards and your high level of performance.
• 54:50
  I believe now more than ever with the amount of distractions and how a lot of us turn to distractions and even high performers turn to good distractions, but they're still distractions. We need to get uncomfortable and create the same time, dedication, and space for actual stillness. For either, it doesn't have to be meditation. It doesn't have to be all these things. With my clients, we do a, what do we call it? A think day. They're called a think day where we, a think day where we take a day off from work and
• 55:17
  And we go, it could be a WeWork, it could be an office, it could be somewhere that's not like your home office, somewhere that's not your work office. And you just go. And you spend one day just kind of thinking about life. It doesn't mean sitting there Indian style. It means whiteboarding. It means taking a journal out. It means like no distraction, Wi-Fi off. Just write down what comes. And for a lot of times, that think day is the most powerful day because it realigns the ship.
• 55:42
  We can get so caught up in the next number, the next meeting, the next company, the next thing, the next, you know, kids appointment, the next doctor appointment, the next milestone. But what does the think day do? The think day resets us into, am I currently happy? Am I currently feeling fulfilled? What are the things that I'm currently saying yes to that should be a hell no? What are the things I'm saying no to that actually I'd love to say yes to if I had the time and space and energy for...
• 56:07
  Those are the things that – and honestly, that's the best part of like current – this current paternity leave that I've given myself. Thank you for coming because I know you're on that. No. I mean this is an awesome conversation and it's these kind of conversations that actually help me get clear. It's coming talking about these things that reassign myself to what are the hell yeses in my life right now. You know, what is –
• 56:30
  what things do I wanna put back in my life from a work perspective that are hell yeses and what are the things that I feel obligated to put back in and if I feel obligated, should I put them back in, right? Like this is the only time in my life that I can remember since I was 18 that I've taken three months of saying no to everything, everything that's not family, work and health. Or I'm sorry, family relationships and health.
• 56:56
  And it's been weird. I'm not going to act like it's been so great. It's been challenging in a whole new way of waking up and not having like the plan completely, you know, being structured, but also like it used to be probably more rigid than I would like to be. And now it's like, I have a line. You appreciate this. The new line with the baby is do not drink the pre-workout until you are in the car on the way to the gym. Because if you drink it too early and the baby starts crying and it's my shift, oh boy, I am now jitter faced and like wondering, okay, they're not going to be a good day.
• 57:25
  Yeah, that's a rule. Just figuring out that time and space. And the think day could be really helpful for somebody who just needs to create that time and space. And what does that look like? It doesn't even have to be a whole day. It could be a couple hours. Just let yourself think. Write. Reflect. I love the think day. I would say just…
• 57:41
  do the opposite of what you're doing right now so what i do is i'm gonna go go go go look as you are yeah and you know you just sold you you said your wife sold her company for 90 million dollars you don't need to you don't need to work but yet we do right um so do something be uncomfortable the good way yeah and that's and i'm doing it right now you know what i'm doing right now yeah i'm watching tv i never watched i never watched tv i'm napping i'm doing all the things
• 58:07
  unhealed kelly yeah would say dude you're a freaking loser waste your waist you're you're you're falling behind yeah and i'm just letting it be now is it uncomfortable it's really it really it's uncomfortable unfamiliar unfamiliar and and guess what the company goes on the podcast everything goes on yes and all of a sudden i give that honor that space
• 58:31
  And it's just going to pass. Yeah. One more question, then we're going to go to our famous rapid fire. We got this little rapid fire thing that we love doing. So since we've bared our souls and just really got started, what kind of man or leader are you still becoming?
• 58:48
  the type of man and leader I'm still becoming is, is really doubling down on the authenticity. And I think authenticity is this fancy word that, you know, that people love to be like, you know, authentic or, or even the line where it's like, let me be honest. It's like, well, I'm keeping it real. You're keeping it real. Are you, or are you just being an asshole? Right? Exactly. Exactly. Are you bringing terrible energy? The, the authenticity piece is something that I'm still, still uncomfortable with. And it's,
• 59:17
  It's not that I'm not authentic. It's the sharing of the parts that are new for me. It's the sharing the things about becoming a dad. It's like, does anybody care about that? You know, kind of the thing is, does anybody care? I remember posting something back in probably September about our journey to getting pregnant.
• 59:36
  And, you know, I mentioned my wife is a little bit older and we went through IVF and we went through two failed rounds of IVF. And and then we went down and, you know, used an egg donor. And, you know, we've shared this with people. So it's not, you know, news that we haven't talked about. But I remember there was a time at the end of last year where we had the two failed cycles of IVF. And and I remember as a genuinely positive, optimistic person, I found myself being very.
• 1:00:00
  pessimistic or neutral at best. Meaning, because there's so many different steps, and for anybody who's gone down this, maybe this makes sense, if you're not, there's so many different steps to the shots that my wife needed to take, and then you... Did you have to give them to her? Yes, and even that, that part of just like, you're going through this pain, I'm sitting here, I would do anything to have to just stick myself with that instead of you. And her poor hormones.
• 1:00:29
  Oh, man, it's up and down. And then you get the news of like, hey, great, we retrieved this many eggs. Great. Now, 50% of those were fertilized. Now, 50% of those actually made it to this stage. Now, hey, guys, by the way, I'm sorry we didn't make – none of the eggs made it. And you just get that and it's this roller coaster of excitement and trying to not get too high, not get too low.
• 1:00:50
  And I found myself every time we'd get that news of being like, dude, I need to be like even – I need to be like not too high, not too low. However she wants to feel, she's allowed to feel. But for me, there's going to be no sadness. What's the next step? What's the next step? And I almost like numbed out to not –
• 1:01:05
  being positive. And I shared this recently of like, the day we found out we were actually pregnant, she came, you know, weren't supposed to test, we're supposed to wait for the blood test, but she came in, she ran her own test. And I remember, and I, that's my wife, you know, can't, no patience. And I remember, I remember like not feeling
• 1:01:26
  I wasn't excited. And it wasn't that I wasn't excited, I just didn't allow myself to get too excited. We got this positive pregnancy test, but in my mind it was like, we have to wait for the blood test. We can't celebrate this right now. And I remember that night lying in bed and I leaned over to my wife and I just like, I was real emotional and I said, I said, I am so sorry for how I acted earlier today.
• 1:01:46
  And she goes, what? And I said, I just, you came in celebrating the fact that we finally got pregnant and I couldn't even like be happy. I just didn't allow myself because I was so afraid for the other shoe to drop and for us to have this crash down and find out more bad news that it was almost like we finally had this moment. And you know, like all over social media, people celebrate the pregnancy and they pick each other up and they love it. And here I was, man, I was so glad that that moment wasn't recorded
• 1:02:13
  because I was ashamed of how unhappy I was. And we talked it out and I had kind of, like it was the first time I acknowledged, like I don't, I'm losing this optimistic version of myself because I just felt like I had to be strong for you. I just felt like I needed to hold it all together.
• 1:02:30
  And it took a couple months into the pregnancy and we got some good results and all of a sudden – and then I was like, I feel it coming back. Like I'm actually getting excited. Because people would be like, I heard you got pregnant. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like we still got a lot of tests to go through. It was almost like I was like, dude, are you happy about this? I was like, I'm happy. I'm just not letting myself be happy.
• 1:02:47
  That's the kind of thing that I shared on social media. Just talking in my car once of like, I kinda feel like I need to get this thought out, I don't know what it is, thinking, who is going to relate to this guy talking about an IVF journey? And the amount of messages that I got, just like you said, the amount of messages I got from women being like, I never knew how hard that might have been for my husband. Thank you for letting me in on the emotional journey from the male's perspective. I got asked to come on an IVF podcast that I,
• 1:03:14
  Because I had shared this. She saw that and she's like, that's amazing. We've never had a guy on. Can you come explain this? So when I say the part of me that I'm, of leadership and becoming a man is, that's the type of vulnerability with a purpose. It's not vulnerability to just get likes, follows, this type of thing. Like I'm just going to share this thing. It's why am I doing it? And am I doing it from the sole purpose of you can be a high performer. You can have high standards for yourself.
• 1:03:44
  Please, I hope nothing I said today that demonized money. Go make as much money as you possibly can. Go be as fit as you possibly can. Let's just make sure we're playing the right game and we don't get lost in this chasing more for the sake of more that we miss out on the parts of life. And I talked about the things that my dad pushed away. That was what got me to move to San Diego at first and now to Florida. The reason that I'm here is because my dad never got to live by the beach.
• 1:04:10
  And I said, that's the thing that I'm no longer going to delay. You start moving those things into the forefront. And this question, Kelly, that I want to make sure I get in because it's like my new favorite question. Because I think it's the best filter for life. It's if you knew you had one year left to live, what would be the one thing, not five things, not ten things, what would be the one thing you would regret not pursuing or not attempting?
• 1:04:34
  The reason why I think that's such a great question, and for me, the book wouldn't have happened if I didn't put that filter through my business. If I said I had one year left to put anything out that I wanna put out, or the one year left of business, and like, that's it, Brett, you can't do anything else for work, nobody will ever know. The thing that came up in my heart, and like lump in my throat was like, I know that there's a book, why haven't I written it? Why haven't I put that book out?
• 1:04:56
  Ask yourself that question. A lot of people are like, but you have to plan for the future. Yes. But if you live life through that filter and you prioritize the things where if you only had one year, you prioritize that thing. Beautiful. And then guess what? We all get another year and another year and another year. You are year after year prioritizing the thing that is going to reduce the most regret in your life. It's beautiful. That fear.
• 1:05:18
  around the pregnancy explore that there's there's something there there's a protector that's covering and i'm learning this in ifs right now yeah there's a protector covering an emotion that you don't want to feel we were talking about bat signals you and i've talked how do we say i just picked that up yeah and the reason why i challenge you to look in that
• 1:05:40
  Because whatever that is, is probably what is required for you to take even that next step for being the father to Elliot that he deserves. I appreciate that. Which I say, and I could be wrong, but I think I'm out of something like that. I appreciate that. What's next besides being the father to Elliot, being on stage, the brand, the business, what's next for everything?
• 1:06:03
  That right now, other than fixing some issues with my body, that is really it. And that's uncomfortable for me to say. It's uncomfortable for me to not have a long list of things to tell you that I'm pursuing. For the first time in a while, life is actually pretty simple. And I'm trying to get more comfortable with that.
• 1:06:19
  There you go. Yeah. Be uncomfortable there. Be uncomfortable with less things on the plate. Right now, it's supporting my wife and making sure that she's, you know, the most, proving that she's the most important thing in my life. Being there for those early moments. And we just had a special moment yesterday. Yeah.
• 1:06:35
  My wife was traveling for the first time to do a speaking event. And it was like my first like 40 hours, 48 hours with Elliot by myself. So fun. And our housekeeper, you know, said to me yesterday, and she said it in front of Ann specifically. And she goes, I hope this isn't out of place. But she goes, I just want to say that she goes, I've worked for a lot of families. And you were the first father who is always present with your kid. Now, he's only three months old. I don't want to make anybody feel bad. And I don't want to say like there's a lot of dads out there who are like their sole job is to provide. Yeah.
• 1:07:04
  So that maybe their partner can be home. But that was, it was so special. And it was almost like a weird appreciation from somebody I didn't expect to get it from that made me feel like, you're right. This is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing right now. And I've heard from so many successful men that I admire. And their advice to me is, you think that like now is the time to go build the things so that you can give your child the life that they want.
• 1:07:31
  They all told me, like, don't miss the early moments. It's the thing that they regret the most. And it's like, There'll never be three. And I'll tell you this much. First of all, I want to go back to that. And I know we're going long again. But it's,
• 1:07:41
  There's another, if I had to say another growth opportunity, you just said it, how did that make you feel when she said that? Whatever that feeling was, I think it attaches back to that fear of getting pregnant, and that's your next uncomfortable. Lean into that, my brother. And the only other thing I would say is that, I would tell you to this day, my daughter was born the first three months, she was born a preemie, four pounds, three ounces, and we had to feed her every four hours. And her mom was sick, she had preeclampsic, she couldn't get out of bed, so I did it.
• 1:08:11
  I, so that, that fourth trimester, you're the mom supposed to bond from breastfeeding. Yeah. I bonded with you. It was awesome. Yeah. Sorry. Um, all right, we got to get, we're good. We're way, way past, but this was so good. And I think everybody got, I'm not even gonna have to tell anybody, share, share this episode. Anybody, two dudes that are just, that are just, just got real vulnerable. All right. Rapid fire. One question or one belief that changed your life overnight.
• 1:08:39
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• 1:09:10
  Curiosity. Just being curious. Ask more questions. We're delivered this phrase of like life is supposed to look this way. Ask why. And is it the right life for you? A habit that quietly destroys confidence.
• 1:09:23
  everybody thinks it's the big thing that you say you're going to do that you don't do. It's actually the small, very simple to ignore thing that you say every day. I'm going to wake up when my alarm goes off and then you don't. It's I'm going to start drinking more water and then you don't. It's that I'm going to go to the class today and then you don't. It's the small things that really stack up for confidence. Confidence isn't built in this big onstage moment that you get maybe once a year. It's built in the very small, easy to ignore things that you say you're going to do every day and then don't. Oh, and that compounds. Compounds. When you do that, like...
• 1:09:53
  I don't negotiate with myself. I say I do something, it's done. And that was from doing a lot of little things over and over and over and never. I love that answer. And the key to that, Kaylee, is for the everyday person is commit to less. You can't commit to everything. There's going to be 50% of the things you don't do. Commit to very few things, but follow through at an obsessive pace. And there's a couple like, no snooze, get up, go. Yeah, just go. Something high performers pretend they have figured out, but don't. Of why they want more. Yeah.
• 1:10:22
  Why they want more. A lot of people, if you ask them, like, what's your business goal? It's like, double my revenue. Why? Like, what do you need the double revenue for? Now, I know it's a progress thing, and it's like, well, that's what's gonna make us more. And I'll, quick story.
• 1:10:34
  going through it with a client of why. And I just was like, I'm gonna really press on you. Why? Why do you want more? Okay, why? We went through probably the five why's. We went probably 20 why's. We went through 20 why's and the answer was because I wanna take more trips and vacations. I wanna spend more time with my family. And guess what? He didn't need more money for that. He just needed permission to not work and permission to step away. He might make the same amount of money. Sound familiar? Yeah, right, right, exactly, exactly. The reflection mirror, thank you.
• 1:11:05
  A truth people don't want to hear but need to? Is that you're not stuck, you're just unwilling to make a bold decision. Oh, so good. What's harder, starting or staying consistent?
• 1:11:16
  I would say starting. And what people undervalue is that as hard as it is to build momentum on something, it's just as hard to stop the momentum that you've built. So that's why it's really important to build momentum in the right way, in the right habits. Oh, I couldn't, like working out, I couldn't stop working out. I don't know how, yes. You're like, never miss a Monday, I'm like, never miss a day, that's it, why? One thing you stopped doing that changed everything.
• 1:11:42
  I would say, I mean, the thing that pops in my mind is alcohol. And again, not because it was this big disaster in my life. It was because I didn't realize what like 100% bread actually felt like. I was probably living 75, 70, 60% of myself. And it was more just like the feeling, the expression, the energy. Like, yeah, it's a lot there. Last but not least, what does your best day actually look like without performance attached?
• 1:12:11
  Oh man, it would be that first smile with my son, you know, waking up when he first wakes up is like the first thing that he gets to see is my face. And we have like that moment and he's like, he's three months, so anybody who's had a baby, you know like now he's starting to smile, he's starting to recognize that smile. Like there's not an amount of sleep, of stress, of anything, like that smile changes at all. And honestly, like my wife and I spending a lot of time together now, cause we're both just home and we're, you know,
• 1:12:39
  eventually we may have a nanny or something come in. But like right now it's just the two of us. Like we're doing this ourselves and we're really enjoying like this time. And there was a moment in bed last night where, or the moment this actually was this morning, Elliot's sitting on this arm. My dog Ruby is sitting over here and my wife was like brushing her teeth and came back into bed. And I was just like, this is it, man. Like this is simple, isn't it? Man. I just have to like snapshot this in my mind. And it's like,
• 1:13:02
  It's so hard to slow down in the world that we've built for ourselves right now. But man, it's in those moments that the peace and fulfillment you're looking for might be just in a quick little moment of stillness. And it is. I can't thank you enough for coming on the show, making the trip. I'm very grateful that we...
• 1:13:17
  did it today and not earlier and this has been great i could have talked to you for hours bro and i just want you to know that you got a new friend you've known you've had a new friend in me can't wait to meet your wife meet your son and what's in store for you anything i can do to breathe in you you can't guys go out and buy uncomfortable either way how can people uh get a hold of you and work with you
• 1:13:38
  When you start working again. Yeah, yeah. So funny enough, I mean, right now I'm booking out my speaking calendar for the rest of the year. That's really the thing that I'm the most passionate about right now. Coaching is probably going to still be a pause button for a little bit just for the time and energy and calendar and schedule and all that. But I am booking out my speaking event, whether it's keynotes, workshops, like there's nothing too big or small. Like I love doing it. It's my favorite thing to do. I wake up, I feel like I have a game day. And this was awesome, man. So I really-
• 1:14:03
  I appreciate it. Yeah, bread eating everywhere. That's where you can follow me and get the book. I appreciate it. Cool, man. Thanks for coming. Thanks so much, Kelly. Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit trustntm.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.