Latest / #Divorce: Support before, during and after with Sarah-Jane / Season 4 Episode 8: the importance of family mediation to prepare a peaceful Christmas

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Season 4 Episode 8: the importance of family mediation to prepare a peaceful Christmas · #Divorce: Support before, during and after with Sarah-Jane

• 0:00
  Hello everyone, and welcome to this new episode.
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  I'm Sarah Jane Testa, family mediator, and today I would like
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  to talk to you about a topic that comes up quite often in my
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  practice, and it is how to navigate Christmas when you're
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  separated parents. As you know, holidays are an
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  emotionally charged moment, so even when separated occurred a
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  long time ago. This time of year can activate
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  tensions, stir up old rules or reveal difficulties that you
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  thought were long resolved. For families living across two
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  countries juggling with multiple cultures, organising a Christmas
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  can become a real headache. So in this episode I want to
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  talk about the place of family mediation in the run up to the
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  holidays. As a flexible, pragmatic and
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  often truly liberating approach. Christmas can bring back
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  tensions even after years of separation.
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  Every year in December I will hear the same sentence.
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  We thought everything was fine and suddenly we felt stuck.
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  It's important for me to tell you that this is perfectly
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  normal. Christmas works a bit like a
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  magnifying glass. Everything becomes more visible
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  and sometimes more fragile. Because Christmas, as you know,
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  is not just a date in the calendar.
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  It's a symbolic moment filled with history, memories,
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  traditions and most of all, emotions.
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  And this time of year we'll bring a lot of things back to
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  the surface, such as parents expectations, which are often
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  different. One will want to preserve
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  tradition, the other will want to create something new and each
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  family believing that they're doing that in the children's
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  best interest. Family traditions often collide.
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  So you'll have somebody who'll want to celebrate on Christmas
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  Eve, the other have lunch on Christmas Day.
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  One will to have a festive Christmas, the other more
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  religious one, and we'll have this pressure to do it like
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  before, keep the memories even though the family is no longer
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  the same. You'll also have pressure from
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  the extended family. We have to go to my parents.
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  My mother is expecting the children, but we've always done
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  it this way and everyone will have an opinion.
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  Organizing becomes very tricky. And the truth is, every details
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  count and any detail can shift the balance.
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  So touch tension will often rise, not because parents are in
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  conflict, but simply because arrangement no longer work.
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  And this is precisely why mediation becomes valuable.
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  It will allow you to revisit agreements that no longer work,
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  understand each other's expectations, constraints, and
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  help you rebuild an agreement that will respect both the
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  children's interest and yours and what your family is now.
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  So returning to mediation is perfectly normal, healthy, and
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  as you're starting to understand, very useful.
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  It is not a sign of failure, quite the opposite.
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  It's a sign that the family's evolving children are growing
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  and that the parents you are trying to adjust and not stay
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  stuck. It's important to bear in mind
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  that mediation is not only for moments of crisis.
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  It is a space that you can return to at any family
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  transition, whether the children are growing up, one of the
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  parents or both has a new partner.
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  It's really important to remember that mediation kills
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  up. If I give you an example, a four
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  year old will live Christmas differently from a teenager.
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  When you're a four year old, Christmas is magic and you
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  listen to what your parents say. You follow hopefully the plan
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  without question. Whereas a teenager will
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  experience Christmas differently because they have they have
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  friends, social lives, personal plans, maybe boyfriends,
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  girlfriends and for instance if they live far away from the
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  other parent, they might not want to take the plane just for
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  a few days. It's not a rejection, it's just
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  life. So returning to mediation will
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  help to adjust to the teenagers real needs instead of forcing a
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  system that has become too rigid.
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  When a parent starts a new relationship, we have a new
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  partner, maybe a new baby, new priorities and Christmas may
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  take on a new meaning for that parent with a blended family,
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  with new tradition to create new relatives, new siblings.
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  Meanwhile, the other parent might find him or herself very
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  lonely, and this is when imbalance might create tensions.
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  So mediation in that situation will help each parent to express
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  their emotions without accusation.
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  Will help identify what is emotional and what is practical
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  and can be changed. Will help create a space for
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  everyone to speak without turning things into a conflict.
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  We'll help find new agreements when the ones that are in place
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  no longer work. So when agreements don't work,
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  parents often tell me we had a system, it works, now it
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  doesn't. There's usually a lot of guilt
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  behind that statement. If an agreement no longer works,
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  it's not that somebody has failed.
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  As I said, it's just a new transition.
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  Children are growing, families are evolving, and priorities
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  shift. A parenting agreement is not a
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  frozen picture. It needs to be adjusted to the
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  family's needs for what, which are evolving.
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  Mediation helps clarify, update, and adapt. 1 needs to change so
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  that the new arrangement can make sense.
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  In practical terms, mediation will help at this time of year
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  in three main areas. The planning, expressing
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  emotions and protecting the children.
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  The planning. For those who have never been to
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  mediation planning Christmas is often the first point of
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  conflict because people are very scared of spending Christmas
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  alone for the first time without their children.
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  In mediation, you'll need to determine who has the children
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  when. Where do they spend Christmas
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  morning? Where do they Christmas Eve,
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  Boxing Day? Who will travel?
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  How do you manage blended families, new partners and for
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  expat families, new questions will arise.
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  Who pays for the flat? Do we alternate Christmas?
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  How do we manage a long haul flight with a child?
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  How do we manage a teenager who doesn't want to travel?
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  So these question really require calm time to think and dialogue.
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  So that's what we'll do in mediation.
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  We'll lay out all the logistical constraints and look at all the
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  dates, the real ones, not the idea of plans and clarify who
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  does what, when, how and under what conditions.
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  You can't leave anything to chance, like, oh, we'll do, and
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  we always do. You have to write everything
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  down clearly. A good Christmas plan is clear,
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  realistic and doable in real life, not just on paper.
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  With regards to emotion, that's what's underneath the planning.
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  Because behind every deadlock, there's always one emotion at
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  least. So the loneliness of the parents
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  spending Christmas without his or her children, the nostalgia
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  of past Christmases, of how you know you used to spend Christmas
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  as a family, the family pressure, the extended family,
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  the fear of disappointing your children also is a really hard
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  1. The frustration often linked to
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  the comparison between the two household.
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  A lot of sadness and this feeling that things are unfair
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  in mediation. It will help place each emotion
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  where it belongs. It doesn't mean spending time
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  talking about those emotion. We're not in therapy, but it's
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  about recognising the emotion, naming it, to be able to work
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  with it and move forward and restore communication.
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  Finally, the children's needs which are, are at the heart of
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  everything. So Christmas is not a
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  competition. It's not about which parent
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  creates the best Christmas. If you wonder what children of
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  separated parents would like to put on their Christmas list, it
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  would probably be ask their parents to stop arguing and to
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  be friends. Children want clarity, They want
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  parents that are pleasant to each other and they want to feel
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  safe. They absolutely do not want to
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  be stuck in the middle of their two parents, have to carry
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  messages, choose between their parents and have to manage their
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  parents. Emotion protects them well.
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  Mediation will protect them because the decision will be
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  made by the adults and not at home with the children in the
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  middle. Mediation will help the parents
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  remember what is at stake, their children.
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  Mediation reduces tensions and allows new tradition to emerge.
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  When parents are able to clarify things through mediation,
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  tension will drop and children will will feel the difference.
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  Mediation opens to something essential, which is discussion
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  on the future and in our case, Christmas pen.
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  Parents will stay attached to the Christmas they had before,
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  but as we know, sometimes those traditions do no longer work in
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  mediation. We'll be able to help you
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  explore how to build a Christmas that works and reflect the
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  family as it is today, and not as it used to be.
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  Which means a Christmas that is meaningful, realistic and
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  peaceful. So, last tactical advice before
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  the holidays. First of all, if your agreements
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  no longer work, do not hesitate to come back into mediation.
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  Sometimes you only need one session to defuse
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  misunderstanding and bring back clarity.
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  Do not wait until the last minute.
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  The earlier you start, the more options you have and the calmer
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  everything stays. Three, you need to accept that
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  needs evolve. Children change, family changes,
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  dynamic changes. It's not a failure, it's just a
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  transition. Don't hold on to traditions that
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  no longer work. Letting go of traditions is not
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  a loss. If a parent is going through a
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  major life change, you need to adjust.
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  I know it's difficult for you but you need to for your
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  children's sake try and not openly bear a grudge for expat
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  families. That is really important.
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  You need to have plan based on reality and not an ideal.
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  There's no perfect Christmas, but a peaceful Christmas can
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  exist. So mediation will help you build
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  those agreements grounded in your real life without guilt or
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  pressure. As the holidays approach, you
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  can see how mediation can become a really valuable space.
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  It will be a place to set down your tensions, clarify what is
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  done, take a step back and rebuild plans that respect
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  everyone's needs. Returning to mediation is not a
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  sign of conflict. It's a way to protect Co
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  parenting and a way to protect the children.
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  If Christmas feels a bit difficult this year, or if
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  arrangements no longer work like they used to, feel free to reach
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  out. Thank you for listening and feel
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  free to share this episode. Thank you for listening.