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Attachment Theory · Trauma Free Relationship

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Let's talk about attachment Theory, what it means for your
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life and your relationship. Okay, welcome back.
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Everybody to trauma free relationship.
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Today, we're going to be talking about attachment and attachment
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Theory. This is something that has just
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really revolutionized the field. There are so much research
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behind this especially when it comes to couples and their
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relationship. It's probably the primary Theory
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these days that informs clinicians like myself.
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Self in how we practice. So I think it's really important
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for you. All to know what attachment
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theory is and why it's so important in your relationship.
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So, let's start at the beginning.
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We're going to start with John Bowlby, who was the creator of
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attachment Theory. Now, John Bowlby was a
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psychoanalyst in the United Kingdom, back in the 30s, 40s,
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50s, and subsequent decades. Actually, think he died early in
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the 1980s if I recall But he came up in a world that was
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actually dominated by Freudian Theory.
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Now real quickly, Freudian theory was all about the
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tripartite model of personality meaning that you had the ego,
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the ID and the super-ego. The it was our instincts, it was
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our biological drives if you will.
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And Freud said, there was two primary drives one, was the sex
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drive and one was Was the death drive.
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But these were constantly pushing for expression, and in
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life, and in our bodies and the job of the ego was to moderate
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between the desires and the wishes of the ID and the
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super-ego. And the super-ego essentially
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was the morals, the values of our family, and society, as a
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whole. So this put a lot of emphasis on
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the ego to be able to be strong enough.
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To repress the desires of the ID and also be able to conform to
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the values and Norms of society and our family growing up.
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So I say all this to say this was a little bit of the world
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that John Bowlby entered into and under Freudian psychology,
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it was all about what the internal fantasies were of the
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individual. They didn't Focus so much on the
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actual experiences Freud was. Well, aware that relationships
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impacted us. He was, he was no idiot but he
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was more concerned with what are the instinctual fantasies that
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come up for us and we repress those because they are not
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acceptable, the super-ego does not accept them and, and and
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getting caught between the wishes of the ID and the, the
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desires of the super ego is where oftentimes pathology will
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take hold and we can break down with with With some kind of
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pathology, if you will. And so that was the world in
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with John Bowlby entered and he was trained in that model but
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for Bowlby and this was absolutely revolutionary.
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He began to see the impact of Separation on parents and
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children. And this really came about, he
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actually saw it and was noticing it before, but it's certainly
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became Paramount during World War 2.
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When so many children were orphaned because their parents
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had died on the War, or they were sent off somewhere else to
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live because their parents were fighting as so on and so forth.
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And so, he saw that, this separation had a real profound
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effect. And so, it wasn't something that
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was a wish or a desire internally.
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It was something that actually happened to the child.
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And so he really began to study this.
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Well, he had a student named Mary Ainsworth and Mary was
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married. A gentleman that actually was
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for while shipped off to Africa to do some work down there.
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And so being The Good Wife that she was, she went with him even
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though she was beginning to have her own career under John Bowlby
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back in the United Kingdom. Well, while she was down in
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Africa, she also began to notice that this Theory.
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This attachment theory, that John Bowlby was laying out and
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was was compiling at that point in time.
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Seemed very similar to what She was noticing was some African
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families down there as well, especially the mother and the
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children. And that relationship between
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the two. So when she came back, she
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created what was called, The Strange situation, and this has
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become revolutionary. And so, the experiment goes like
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this, there will be a man sitting in a room now, he's a
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stranger no other. Nobody else in the room knows
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who this man is then also in the room would be place.
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A mother and her child, usually around two years of age, an
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infant somewhat being able to play on their own.
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But still very much dependent on the mother for to be a playmate
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as well. Then the experiment Begins by
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the mother getting up and walking out of the room and
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leaving the child alone, with the stranger in the room.
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Now the what we're really investigating during the strange
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situation is not what happens when the mother leaves the room.
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But Rather, what happens when the mother comes back into the
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room, how does the child behave? And so what?
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Mary Ainsworth, realize what that there were four different
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patterns, one secure, and three insecure styles of reuniting
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with the mother. And we call these attachment
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styles to this day. And so the scenario goes where
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the mother would come back in a child who is secure in their
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relationship who's had Proper amount of Attunement, love care.
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Nurturance from the mother, they would come and clean immediately
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to the mother. And then after being soothed and
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comforted by being left alone with a stranger, then they would
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begin to play on their own again and we call that a secure style
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of attachment. Now, the three insecure Styles,
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one is called avoidant and this is the scenario where the mother
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comes back into the room and the child does not.
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Come immediately to the mother, that in fact, the child almost
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acts like the mother hasn't come in the child still playing with
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the toys that were about. And when the mother tries to
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comfort the child, a child almost even brushes it off.
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And so there's an avoidant style of attachment.
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Meaning it has learned to avoid because it won't get the, the
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comforting and soothing that child needs.
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They've learned to downplay the attachment system.
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The drive-in Themselves because they are aware that they're not
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going to be getting what they need.
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Anyway so we call that avoidant style now an anxious style of
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attachment is where the mother comes back into the room and the
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child comes and is very clingy needs.
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Lots and lots of reassurance, lots and lots of attention and
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actually it goes on and on and on it does not resumed its
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normal state of play like a child, a secure child would, but
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rather gets very upset. Upset, very angry at the mother
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and needs constant. Reassurance, and we call that an
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anxious style of attachment. And then finally, there was a
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fourth style but a third insecure style of attachment and
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that was called disorganized. And so a disorganized style of
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attachment is where the child doesn't use.
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Only an avoidant or only at anxious style, but actually
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comes and waivers back and forth.
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Between the two. So it might come and need
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reassurance from the mother when the mother enters the room and
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then it might collapse. And then it might get very
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anxious again and then it might get angry and then it might pull
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away. And then it might reject you
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mother. And so what we begin to realize
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is that there are three types of insecure styles of attachment,
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there's avoidant, anxious and disorganized and then there's
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one style of see of secure attachment and so This was
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absolutely groundbreaking in its day, that Mary Ainsworth was
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actually able to block these different styles investigate.
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So this was absolutely groundbreaking for Mary
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Ainsworth to be able to investigate and under scientific
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rigorous conditions. Dillion ate the four different
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attachment Styles, one secure and three insecure and as this
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research began to be Replicated and begin to really take off to
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the scientific Community, it really began to revolutionize
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the way we thought about relationships.
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The impact relationships had on us.
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And it began to really validate in many ways that what happens
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to us in as a child in our families.
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Does, in fact shape, our love relationships in our adulthood
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for a long time, we've known that but we Didn't have any hard
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core data to really be able to put to our theories and
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understand that. So John Bowlby was able to
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create a theory that he called attachment Theory.
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Mary Ainsworth was actually able to create a scientific and
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approach of studying those different attachment Styles
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those observations and by doing, so they actually revolutionized
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the way we think about interpersonal relationships,
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Certainly love relationships and the impact our childhood can
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have on our adult relationships. Now, in the second segment here,
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I'm going to jump and we're going to talk about Mary main,
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who is another student of John bowlby's and what she
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discovered. Okay?
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So now we're going to talk about Mary Main and her contribution.
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Mary made was another student of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth
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and she did something revolutionary as well.
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She actually was able to take the information, the outcome
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research of the strain situation, the secure and the
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three insecure types of attachment Styles.
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And she wanted to know, could we actually assess these and come
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up with the same results in adults?
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We know we can look at these Styles and children and we can
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we can project that this is what it looks like.
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But can we also move backwards? Can we move from adulthood and
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find the same styles that we see in children?
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And She was able to compile an assessment called, the adult
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attachment inventory, the aai and she went, and she gave this
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to a huge population of adults and what she came out with was
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that Yes, actually we can see the exact same Styles in adults
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that we find in children. And that is, you can have a
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secure style of attachment and anxious style and avoidant style
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and a disorganized style of attachment.
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Aunt. But she also discovered
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something else and this was really interesting, she
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discovered something called the internal working models which
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was first reported by a bowl be that that we internalize these
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styles of a relationships with our parents and that we then use
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them as a template in our adult relationships.
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And so she was actually able to see that as adults, we have,
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what's called internal working models.
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Meaning we built up from childhood.
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Thousands of interactions with our parents.
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We've internalized, those that we use those as a model for how
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we should operate in our adult lives.
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And so if we have, for example, an avoidant model or avoidant
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style of attachment that we've learned then, as an adult, when
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we start to feel like somebody's infringing, upon our sense of
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psychological and emotional space, then we tend to pull away
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will down. Play close relationships.
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We might keep people at arm's length.
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We turn off our own attachment Drive in many ways, so that we
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don't need people. We don't need a close attachment
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relationship. At least that's what the model
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tells us. And so, we find that we're
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actually able to then be able to see that.
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With that children, have an attachment style based on the
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interaction between them and their mother and We were able to
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validate that adults can come across those.
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Same Styles in their relationships as well and this
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was absolutely revolutionary. This was so important for us to
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understand and it is so informed how we View and help couples in
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distress. Now, this is especially
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important. When we start talking about the
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impact of trauma on relationships.
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The impact couples have in trying to relate to One another.
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And what is often, the case is that we find where one style of
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attachment with one partner is different than another style of
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attachment with the other partner.
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So, one partner might have lured an avoidant style.
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The other partner might have learned an anxious style and so
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what happens is when they're trying to get their their
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longings and needs and attachment needs met in a
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relationship. The styles that they Use the way
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they come together, when those meats are not met and how they
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protect themselves, either being anxious or avoidant, then
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creates these Vicious Cycles. And we're going to have a whole
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episode on that because that's really important to talk about
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the types of cycles that couples can get caught up in because
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what makes what makes it unique in terms of talking about trauma
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with couples versus talking about trauma, with individuals
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is talking about those As rigid vicious - patterns of
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interaction that they can get caught up in.
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So that was primarily. What attachment theory was
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about, it started with John Bowlby it moved to Mary
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Ainsworth and then to marry Maine and what they realized are
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three fundamental things. They realize that our attachment
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relationship provides a secure base and a safe haven for us
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somebody that we turn to We need comfort and soothing and a sense
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of safety. When we're little, it's a, it's
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physical safety, but it's emotional safety.
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When we become adults and being able to turn to our partner and
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answer the question, are you there for me, in my time of need
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answers? Whether you have a secure
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attachment or not, if you can answer no to that question.
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And this is not a test per se but then there may be something
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going on in that. Relationship that doesn't make
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you feel safe or secure. It could be that the
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relationship itself has fallen into a sense of insecurity.
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But being able to answer that question is my partner there for
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me when I need them. How do I cope when my partner is
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not there for me. Do I downplay my attachment
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needs? Do I avoid them?
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Do I get super anxious and push for reassurance from my partner?
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These are the kinds of questions that get answer when we Are
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talking about coping and attachment Styles.
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Attachment Styles, themselves are coping mechanisms.
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It is the way that a person has learned to adjust to an
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environment that was less than hospitable to adjust to an
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environment where their attachment needs for Comfort.
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Reassurance, and a safe haven did not get met and it is
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adaptive in that situation. It is not Not bad.
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It's not even what I would consider pathological.
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It is the best effort of that person being able to adapt to an
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environment where their meat needs are not being met and as
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Volpe is so fond of saying, is that our attachment needs our
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from Cradle to grave, we never outgrow, we never lose our need
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to be able to attach to another person.
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And so part of what made him so revolutionary, Is that he won
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looked at the real experiences of people, the real interactions
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and what those needs were. And whether those needs were
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being met or not, as a way to inform the way we build our
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personality, the way we learn to manage and regulate our
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emotions. So much of that is done through
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the interactions between a primary caregiver and a child
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and then, secondly, he moved out.
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Outside the field of psychoanalysis and brought in
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research from other fields to support his findings in his
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theories and that caused a tremendous backlash in the
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psychoanalytic community. And so he was blacklisted for
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time. He was really seen as somebody
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that no longer held the primary tenets of psychoanalysis and
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that as such he was he was jettisoned and he had to do work
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much of his work off on. Own building, his own, little
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community of people that believed in that.
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So groundbreaking stuff absolutely essential and
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important stuff to know about you and your relationship.
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Now, the second thing I want to add in this is really important
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as well. Is that was the that was the
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first phase of research that was done in attachment Theory.
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The the next phase of research from the 1980s and 90s on, Is is
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what they call the second generation of attachment and
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people like Alan Shore. And Dan Siegel, they were able
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to investigate using newer tools, especially Imaging
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machines, and understand that. So much of what attachment does
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is be help us learn to regulate our emotions.
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And so what what the primary attachment style is, is a system
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and a way of regulating Our emotions and learning to
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regulate our emotions in that primary relationship, that we
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then also carry into our adult relationships as well.
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And so, we can use the word and we talked a lot about triggers,
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right? When we get triggered or our
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trauma gets triggered, what happens to us?
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Well, one of the first things that happens is, it causes
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dysregulation in our emotions. And so Dan Siegel and Alice
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Shore, they were able to take that that basic research that
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primary first generation of research and they were able to
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tie it into subsequent research. That really helps us understand
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how couples can become dysregulated, how that insecure
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style of relating to one another Des regulates both partners and
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creates more insecurity in the relationship or conversely.
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How having a secure style of attachment can actually create
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more stability and less Dysregulation in the
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relationship. And I think what's important to
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know about that is that that it doesn't mean that we don't ever
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become dysregulated in our adult relationships.
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But what it does mean is that we understand the triggers better
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and we're better able to understand the models, we use,
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whether they're secure insecure models in how we relate and cope
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when we're not getting our attachment means met with our
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partner. There's there's no way.
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That that inner adult relationship that our partners
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going to be able to be there for us, 100% of the time.
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And so when that is the case, when we can't answer, that
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question is my partner there for me when I need them.
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Can we self-soothe? Can we respond in a way?
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That is that is healthy and that is active and being able to send
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the appropriate signals to our partner that we are in need and
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part of what an insecure attachment Style.
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This is one, it causes such dysregulation internally for us,
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that we don't often know, we're in need.
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We don't send ourselves the appropriate signals and then it
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prohibits us from being able to send the appropriate signals to
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our partner so that they can show up for us.
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They can give us reassurance when we need that.
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So, attachment Theory absolutely revolutionary in terms of
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psychological theory in terms of how we approach, Helping couples
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understand more about their own patterns of interaction and how
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we help couples be able to go from an insecure to a secure
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relationship. Thanks for tuning in.
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Thanks for watching. Really appreciate it.
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