Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 50, Season 2: Q&A From Dr. Sarah Hensley Relationship Coaching Services Clients and Community Facebook Group

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Episode 50, Season 2: Q&A From Dr. Sarah Hensley Relationship Coaching Services Clients and Community Facebook Group · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

0:11
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Doc podcast soon to be the
0:14
Speaker 1: Doctor Sarah Hensley Show. I am your co host Raina
0:17
Speaker 1: Butcher here with our host, doctor Sarah Hensley, the owner, founder,
0:21
Speaker 1: and CEO of the love Doc Relationship Coaching Services again
0:24
Speaker 1: soon to be the Doctor Sarah Hensley Relationship Coaching Services.
0:29
Speaker 1: You can find her at the lovedoc dot com or
0:31
Speaker 1: on any social media handle at doctor Sarah Hensley. Hello, Hello, Hi,
0:37
Speaker 1: So today we're gonna kind of make this short. You
0:40
Speaker 1: guys tend to love these episodes where we do the
0:42
Speaker 1: q and as, which we appreciate because again, this is
0:46
Speaker 1: about you and it just is a good fun dialogue
0:50
Speaker 1: for us. It makes it easy and kind of it
0:52
Speaker 1: allows well, Sarah doesn't get to turn the rain.
0:54
Speaker 2: Off for I do. Yeah, I don't see the questions
0:57
Speaker 2: in advance, Raina, since Haarn picks them out real time
1:00
Speaker 2: from the Facebook group, so I do not get to
1:03
Speaker 2: see them. So it is definitely a little bit of
1:05
Speaker 2: a check. It's not challenging. Yeah, it's not a challenge,
1:08
Speaker 2: but you've been doing this fun. It's a fun thing
1:11
Speaker 2: because I'm just like, oh, let me think on my feet. Yeah,
1:13
Speaker 2: and I guess that's what I'm kind of good at
1:14
Speaker 2: is thinking on my.
1:15
Speaker 1: View are Yeah, and again I think it's like a
1:19
Speaker 1: it's a it's a really good way to give back
1:20
Speaker 1: to you guys and really answer your questions in real time.
1:23
Speaker 1: And eventually, eventually long term goal, we're going to do
1:28
Speaker 1: like episodes where you guys can call in.
1:30
Speaker 2: We have our studio under construction and we are going
1:34
Speaker 2: to get the ability for you to call in live.
1:37
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, that's going to be so exciting.
1:38
Speaker 2: It is going to be exciting.
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Speaker 1: That is like going to be next level. So I
1:42
Speaker 1: can't wait for that. So stay tuned, guys, Stay tuned.
1:45
Speaker 1: Doctor Sarah Hensley is really going to answer your questions
1:47
Speaker 1: in real time. All right, let's get started. So these
1:50
Speaker 1: are kind of long because people always tell a little backstory.
1:53
Speaker 1: So just bear with me because I've never tried to.
1:56
Speaker 2: Pick She tried to pick short ones right before this episode.
1:59
Speaker 2: She's like, I can't all they're all very long side,
2:02
Speaker 2: So I just read the long one.
2:03
Speaker 1: Say yeah, okay. This one is I've been told my
2:05
Speaker 1: ex is leaving the woman he got in a relationship
2:08
Speaker 1: with shortly after our breakup, and that he's considering reaching
2:11
Speaker 1: out to me. Apparently he's aware of the harm he
2:13
Speaker 1: calls and that trust would need to be rebuilt. But
2:16
Speaker 1: I don't remember him as someone who handles emotional discomfort
2:19
Speaker 1: well or takes accountability without deflecting. He has avoidant traits,
2:23
Speaker 1: and I was doing most the emotional work in our
2:25
Speaker 1: relationship prior. I don't see how I could give him
2:27
Speaker 1: a chance without overfunctioning again just to find out if
2:30
Speaker 1: anything has actually changed. Part of me wonders if I'm
2:33
Speaker 1: just a fantasy for him and escape now that it
2:36
Speaker 1: is his quick fix that didn't work, and I suspect
2:39
Speaker 1: he might just move on again. What's difficult is that
2:42
Speaker 1: I can't fully let go. A part of me still
2:44
Speaker 1: hopes something has changed, but I don't trust him, and
2:47
Speaker 1: I don't see how that trust could realistically be rebuilt.
2:51
Speaker 1: I've done a lot of therapy and stayed single to
2:53
Speaker 1: work on myself. He moves straight into something new and
2:56
Speaker 1: is already thinking about reaching out before it's even over
2:59
Speaker 1: with the other one. That doesn't signal much change to me.
3:02
Speaker 1: So my question is how do I handle this inner conflict.
3:07
Speaker 2: You stay in no contact and keep doing your work, girl,
3:10
Speaker 2: That's a easy, That's easy. I do not have to
3:13
Speaker 2: think very hard about that. I mean, he's a backing
3:16
Speaker 2: red flag if he's already you know, considering reaching out
3:19
Speaker 2: to you or talking to you about to other people
3:22
Speaker 2: when he's in a relationship. Nothing has changed, honey. That
3:25
Speaker 2: is your confirmation. Yes, So there's no if what if
3:30
Speaker 2: he has changed. He's showing you he has not changed.
3:33
Speaker 1: Right, stay the course, you're doing everything right.
3:36
Speaker 2: That's right, and it's not always gonna go away for
3:41
Speaker 2: a while. We can love somebody from Afar, love him
3:44
Speaker 2: from Afar.
3:45
Speaker 1: And I you know, I was just talking to a
3:47
Speaker 1: friend about this the other day, very similar question, and
3:49
Speaker 1: I was just like the beauty of when you finally
3:54
Speaker 1: say no, even when it doesn't feel good, it's so empowering,
3:58
Speaker 1: and then it gets easier and it's easier and you
4:01
Speaker 1: step more and more into that power, and you're like,
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Speaker 1: I mean, that's how you build capacity, that's how you
4:07
Speaker 1: build security.
4:08
Speaker 2: Well, it's bottom up capacity building, right, So in my program,
4:11
Speaker 2: we teach top down and bottom up, hit it from
4:14
Speaker 2: both directions. Doing the hard thing, even when it's hard,
4:17
Speaker 2: or even when you're scared or even when you're sad,
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Speaker 2: does teach your nervous system that you can do hard things.
4:22
Speaker 1: That's right, that's right. Oh that one's way too long.
4:30
Speaker 1: Oh this one might be Gosh, they're so long. Okay,
4:33
Speaker 1: all right, I'm still gonna read it. I'm married to
4:35
Speaker 1: a da alcoholic and an emotional abusive man. I'm so sorry,
4:40
Speaker 1: been there. I'm completely against divorce, being brought up Lutheran
4:44
Speaker 1: and going to church all my life. However, I have
4:47
Speaker 1: talked to a pastor several times the past few months
4:51
Speaker 1: who reminded me if for my own and two kids
4:54
Speaker 1: well being, it may be the best option. I'm very
4:57
Speaker 1: determined if I leave that I will have I'm very
5:00
Speaker 1: concern that if I leave I think is what you meant,
5:03
Speaker 1: I will have regrets if I don't try something different. First,
5:08
Speaker 1: I used to think only alcohol. I used to think
5:10
Speaker 1: only alcohol was what forced the abuse. But I'm noticing
5:13
Speaker 1: more now that he has been sober and around our kids,
5:16
Speaker 1: that it doesn't matter around all others. Towards others, including
5:19
Speaker 1: the kids, he's not as harsh, but I do not
5:24
Speaker 1: want the kids to learn to learn these behaviors. After
5:27
Speaker 1: feeling like we had an okay conversation and he might
5:31
Speaker 1: have understood that, I'm looking for respect for my boundary
5:34
Speaker 1: I set not being around in my drinks, and after
5:36
Speaker 1: a psychiatrist appointment yearly for me, he ordered a whiskey
5:39
Speaker 1: water after I ordered water. Right after I said this,
5:45
Speaker 1: he told me he wanted to prove he can be
5:47
Speaker 1: better to me. But then he had two doubles in
5:50
Speaker 1: thirty minutes that night. Oh honey. We were an hour
5:52
Speaker 1: and a half from home, weighing out the options. More
5:55
Speaker 1: haassele would have been made leaving him at the restaurant,
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Speaker 1: even though I realized that maybe should have if I
6:00
Speaker 1: would like to have a drink. I gave in right
6:03
Speaker 1: there too, blaming the battles I've had over the last
6:05
Speaker 1: few months and saying it's already broken my boundary. Who
6:08
Speaker 1: cares anymore? With no kids along, I'm not totally following this,
6:11
Speaker 1: but I am. But again, I'm doing the best I
6:14
Speaker 1: can here. Guys, we basically had a silent night of
6:16
Speaker 1: supper after all that went down. My next idea is
6:19
Speaker 1: to fully sit him down with his parents, let them
6:23
Speaker 1: know I need time and space and at asking how they,
6:27
Speaker 1: as retired grandparents, want to help. He doesn't listen to
6:30
Speaker 1: others about the alcohol, even telling me I am taking
6:33
Speaker 1: his freedom from him by telling him not to drink,
6:37
Speaker 1: telling me the alcohol does not hold him captive. Oh
6:41
Speaker 1: but it does. I do not want these kids to
6:43
Speaker 1: learn these types of behaviors and don't want to cause
6:45
Speaker 1: them trauma by separating either. But I'm at my wits end.
6:49
Speaker 1: Is there any best way to speak to him? My
6:51
Speaker 1: husband has told me daily that he loves me but
6:53
Speaker 1: has no problem yelling in front of me when the
6:57
Speaker 1: kids are around, who are one in five, So evidently
7:02
Speaker 1: he has no problem with these emotionally abusive statements like
7:05
Speaker 1: how I wreck all the things that need to be normal.
7:07
Speaker 1: I've recently been starting his word stating his words, not mine.
7:11
Speaker 1: This is all over the place I'm trying. He has
7:13
Speaker 1: been told he has narcissistic tendencies, but refuses marriage counseling
7:16
Speaker 1: and thinks that I'm the problem. Thanks in advance, super appreciated.
7:22
Speaker 1: So I think the question overall is how does she
7:25
Speaker 1: best speak to him?
7:26
Speaker 2: But ooof, I wouldn't put the parents in the situation
7:29
Speaker 2: unless it's an intervention, for like going to rehab or
7:32
Speaker 2: something like that. But don't triangulate him with his parents.
7:36
Speaker 2: That's never going to go over well, that's going to
7:38
Speaker 2: backfire big time. You can talk to them separately in
7:41
Speaker 2: terms of, hey, we're splitting up. I just want to
7:43
Speaker 2: let you know that you know I will still allow
7:47
Speaker 2: the children in your life on my time. I mean,
7:50
Speaker 2: that's an appropriate conversation. But revealing intimate details about their
7:55
Speaker 2: marriage to his parents, if that's that's a gang up situation.
7:58
Speaker 2: That is not going to go well. I think people
8:02
Speaker 2: think that they hold boundaries, but they really don't. They
8:05
Speaker 2: think their boundaries are telling them don't do that again.
8:07
Speaker 2: I don't like this. I'm going to leave if you
8:09
Speaker 2: keep doing it. Those are empty threads. Boundaries. Are you
8:14
Speaker 2: actually removing your access in stages? Right, Maybe you take
8:20
Speaker 2: some things out of the relationship and use that energy
8:22
Speaker 2: to focus on you, But you tell your partner this
8:24
Speaker 2: is what I'm removing because I need to focus on
8:27
Speaker 2: me because I don't feel safe for XYZ reasons. When
8:30
Speaker 2: you're willing to stop XYZ behaviors or start ABC behaviors,
8:35
Speaker 2: then I will put those things back on the table.
8:37
Speaker 2: So that's like a level two boundary, and then that
8:40
Speaker 2: has an escalator where you kind of keep pulling back
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Speaker 2: more and more and more of your energy and focusing
8:45
Speaker 2: it on you and your kids until you're out the door.
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Speaker 2: If you don't get the response that you need to
8:52
Speaker 2: feel safe and to enter back into the relationship. And
8:55
Speaker 2: so a boundary isn't avoidance. People use avoidance and call
8:59
Speaker 2: it a boundary. Avoidance is I'm just stepping back, But
9:02
Speaker 2: I really I didn't have an explicit conversation with my
9:07
Speaker 2: partner that I am going to step back. Here's why
9:11
Speaker 2: and what it's going to take explicitly for me to
9:13
Speaker 2: step back in. That is a boundary. Avoidance is just
9:17
Speaker 2: like I can't take this anymore. So I'm distancing myself. Yeah,
9:21
Speaker 2: And they think because previous conversations where you've complained about
9:24
Speaker 2: the behavior, that they should put all the pieces together.
9:26
Speaker 2: They don't. I hate to tell you, but they don't.
9:30
Speaker 2: So you don't hold boundaries firm, and you accidentally reinforce
9:36
Speaker 2: I know, I've talked about this, the bad behavior that
9:38
Speaker 2: you don't want to see. So when you just when
9:43
Speaker 2: he pulls you back into connection, or when you know
9:46
Speaker 2: you fight with him, or when you have distance and
9:49
Speaker 2: then you come back around, you've taught him he doesn't
9:52
Speaker 2: have to change because you're always going to come back
9:54
Speaker 2: around and try to make it better. So he has
9:56
Speaker 2: no reason to do anything different. He has no discomfort
10:03
Speaker 2: or difficulty that he has to face in order to
10:05
Speaker 2: keep this relationship. And really, that's not why we do
10:08
Speaker 2: the boundary. I always say that's the bonus of the boundary.
10:10
Speaker 2: The boundary is to keep you safe while you make
10:12
Speaker 2: a decision if this is something you can tolerate for
10:14
Speaker 2: the rest of your days. But people will waste your
10:17
Speaker 2: whole life if you let them. And as the wife
10:22
Speaker 2: former wife of a narcissistic alcoholic, I can tell you
10:26
Speaker 2: that it doesn't get better. And this is one of
10:30
Speaker 2: the hardest things I've ever had to wrestle with, is
10:33
Speaker 2: the dang blunt truth that I do believe my husband
10:38
Speaker 2: died because he couldn't handle our divorce and because he
10:40
Speaker 2: didn't have me holding the line and trying to keep
10:43
Speaker 2: him away from really really serious alcoholism, because he knew
10:48
Speaker 2: that I knew when he was drinking, and he couldn't
10:51
Speaker 2: get away with as much of it. And so I
10:53
Speaker 2: think me not monitoring him, me not holding holding the
10:59
Speaker 2: line for him, and just the emotional devastation of the
11:02
Speaker 2: divorce I do think contributed to his death.
11:04
Speaker 1: For sure sentiments total self destruction.
11:07
Speaker 2: And do I still think at the end of the
11:09
Speaker 2: day divorcing him was the right thing. Yes, And that
11:13
Speaker 2: for me caused so much inner conflict for so long
11:18
Speaker 2: until I really learned to work through my own shame
11:21
Speaker 2: and to realize at the end of the day, was
11:24
Speaker 2: not my job to make him better. If you sacrifice
11:29
Speaker 2: your life for his, all you get out of that
11:33
Speaker 2: is degradation of your own life. Yep. That's all you get.
11:38
Speaker 2: You don't get a prize at the end of your
11:40
Speaker 2: life for sacrificing your life for someone else's best interests.
11:47
Speaker 1: And let us assure you your children will suffer more
11:49
Speaker 1: for it.
11:50
Speaker 2: They will. They will because eventually, you know, they look
11:52
Speaker 2: at the relationship and they're like, Okay, well, this is
11:55
Speaker 2: what love is. Yep, that's what they're going to That
11:57
Speaker 2: is what they grow up knowing. Whatever happens between you
12:00
Speaker 2: and your spouse, your children grow up internalizing that's what
12:04
Speaker 2: love is, and that is what they will go after.
12:06
Speaker 1: Yep. Yeah. And to me, like I know that the
12:09
Speaker 1: fear of detachment and like the separation, the fear of
12:12
Speaker 1: the separation and what it could do to the kids
12:14
Speaker 1: isn't nearly as fearful of how that those circumstances, those situations,
12:20
Speaker 1: the yelling, the alcoholism, the trauma that that creates.
12:24
Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely, And it sucks that our family court system sucks. Yeah,
12:30
Speaker 2: because the biggest reason I didn't want to divorce my
12:34
Speaker 2: ex was because I was like, I don't think he
12:35
Speaker 2: can take care of the kids, and he couldn't. He couldn't,
12:38
Speaker 2: so that really was an issue. But his mom stepped up.
12:42
Speaker 2: His mom stepped up and was a big safety protector
12:47
Speaker 2: for my kids. And that might be the conversation that
12:52
Speaker 2: you have to have, but only after you have made
12:55
Speaker 2: the final decision to truly separate. You don't go in
12:58
Speaker 2: there and be like, I might separate and then not separate,
13:01
Speaker 2: because then you're triangulating and bringing her in or bringing
13:03
Speaker 2: them I should say parents in. But if you are
13:06
Speaker 2: actually going through with it, you can put them on
13:09
Speaker 2: notice that you have these concerns and they may or
13:12
Speaker 2: may not believe you.
13:14
Speaker 1: Yeah, And then I think too, like in terms of
13:17
Speaker 1: you know, the spiritual aspect, I know you mentioned your
13:19
Speaker 1: Lutheran and it you know divorce, you don't believe in divorce,
13:22
Speaker 1: but you know Sarah's mentioned this multiple times. And I
13:26
Speaker 1: think you know this is in no way, shape or
13:29
Speaker 1: form telling you how to believe or what to believe.
13:32
Speaker 1: But you know, abuse is stepping out of the covenant
13:36
Speaker 1: of a.
13:36
Speaker 2: Marriage, one hundred percent. He's outside the covenant. Yeah, he's
13:39
Speaker 2: far outside of it. A covenant is a reciprocal loving promise.
13:46
Speaker 2: It is a promise to love you. And that is
13:49
Speaker 2: not love. And so when love is not properly reciprocated,
13:52
Speaker 2: you're out of the covenant.
13:53
Speaker 1: That's right, that's right. And I think that's how you
13:56
Speaker 1: know you you come to terms with those sorts of things,
13:58
Speaker 1: because I know that is a hard heart.
14:00
Speaker 2: God does not want you to be abused. No, God
14:03
Speaker 2: in any I've seen a lot of pastors be like,
14:06
Speaker 2: you leave the house. You don't leave the marriage. No,
14:08
Speaker 2: you leave the marriage because you have been abandoned by
14:12
Speaker 2: an unbelieving spouse, because your belief is reflected by your behavior.
14:17
Speaker 2: Faith without works is dead, absolutely, And so how do
14:20
Speaker 2: we know what your faith is? Well out of the mouth,
14:23
Speaker 2: the heart speaks. And so if you are not reflecting
14:29
Speaker 2: your faith in your behavior, and none of us are
14:32
Speaker 2: going to be perfect. But there are lines, right, there
14:35
Speaker 2: are lines where it becomes dangerous, it becomes it just
14:40
Speaker 2: becomes intolerable. Yeah, and you have to step out for
14:43
Speaker 2: the good of yourself. You are nobody's punching bag. God
14:46
Speaker 2: did not put you on this earth to be somebody's
14:48
Speaker 2: punching bag, to be the the I don't even know
14:53
Speaker 2: how to put this into words because I feel so
14:55
Speaker 2: much emotion right now, just on the receiving end of
14:59
Speaker 2: some someone else's garbage.
15:01
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's the best way to put it. Is the
15:04
Speaker 1: best way to put it. Which leads to this next question,
15:07
Speaker 1: which is interesting that this is the next one hole.
15:11
Speaker 1: Do I cope with fifty percent custody. I'm a stay
15:13
Speaker 1: at home mom. My daughters are only three and twenty
15:16
Speaker 1: months old. I've never spent even a night away from them. However,
15:19
Speaker 1: my husband is a first responder, gone once every three
15:22
Speaker 1: days for twenty seven hours at least, and then has
15:24
Speaker 1: another job. But he does literally every day, and he's
15:27
Speaker 1: not working when he's not working as a first responder.
15:30
Speaker 1: So while I'm with them twenty four to seven, he
15:32
Speaker 1: sometimes sees them for like thirty minutes a day. We
15:35
Speaker 1: just did the hybrid course, and it seems like the
15:38
Speaker 1: more healed I get the more he pushes away. Tonight,
15:41
Speaker 1: he told me he's done with this marriage. If there
15:43
Speaker 1: were no kids involved, I wouldn't be typing this. But
15:47
Speaker 1: I know we live in a no fault state where
15:49
Speaker 1: custody is fifty to fifty, and I feel like I've
15:51
Speaker 1: been stabbed in my soul and my heart is shattered
15:54
Speaker 1: into pieces. If you are one of these people co
15:57
Speaker 1: parenting and splitting custody, how on earth do you, man,
16:00
Speaker 1: I'm going to get emotional because this is hard.
16:02
Speaker 2: It is so hard. I feel I couldn't even wrap
16:05
Speaker 2: my head around not having my kids sit you.
16:06
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's really, it's really hard. Then she just wraps
16:10
Speaker 1: it up and says, I feel like my children are
16:11
Speaker 1: going to be taken from me to be with someone
16:14
Speaker 1: who doesn't even make the time for them now, and
16:16
Speaker 1: it feels very cruel.
16:18
Speaker 2: Well, our family court system does suck, But I mean,
16:20
Speaker 2: that is actually some objective evidence. And when you go
16:23
Speaker 2: to your attorney, you're going to say, here's the objective evidence.
16:25
Speaker 2: Here's his work schedule. Yeah, right, so he has to
16:28
Speaker 2: at least change his work schedule or he's like. There's
16:32
Speaker 2: something called first rights that most states honor, which is
16:36
Speaker 2: if if your spouse can't watch your kids, you have
16:40
Speaker 2: first right to them as the other parent. So it's
16:45
Speaker 2: most states sort of have that as like a really
16:48
Speaker 2: important first rule, and I would fight for first rights absolutely.
16:51
Speaker 2: So I'm guessing in this situation, he might have fifty
16:55
Speaker 2: percent custody, which is decision making power, but parenting time
17:03
Speaker 2: will probably fall on you the majority of the time.
17:05
Speaker 2: And if they don't take it for me, if they
17:08
Speaker 2: don't really want to be a parent during the marriage,
17:11
Speaker 2: they might act like they want to be a parent
17:12
Speaker 2: just to get back at you. But then that falls off.
17:15
Speaker 1: It does. They'll make their own bed.
17:17
Speaker 2: They'll make their own bed.
17:18
Speaker 1: They always see in that situation. I'm sorry, guys, I'm
17:20
Speaker 1: still really stuffed up, so I'm kind of really snotty
17:24
Speaker 1: over here. I just want to say two to that one,
17:28
Speaker 1: Like it's a trying to learn how to co parent
17:35
Speaker 1: with someone who maybe is difficult or conflict.
17:39
Speaker 2: Yeah, it parallel parent, just parallel parent. I just want
17:43
Speaker 2: to scream from the rooftops how much better parallel parenting
17:46
Speaker 2: is than co parenting with a high conflict person. There
17:49
Speaker 2: is no such thing as co parenting with a high
17:52
Speaker 2: conflict partner.
17:53
Speaker 1: Stop trying.
17:54
Speaker 2: Stop trying.
17:55
Speaker 1: It's not possible.
17:56
Speaker 2: Every single time. I've had two different co parenting situations. Right,
18:04
Speaker 2: husband has his exes, I had my ex My exes
18:10
Speaker 2: is gone, and Donald adopted my children, so I don't
18:13
Speaker 2: have a he's my baby daddy now. Yeah, but co
18:19
Speaker 2: parenting with high conflict people, all I'm going to say.
18:21
Speaker 2: All I'm going to say is co parenting with high
18:23
Speaker 2: conflict people it's not worth it. Expect the conflict, Expect
18:28
Speaker 2: to just totally detach from the dream that you all
18:32
Speaker 2: will ever be able to work together to do what's
18:35
Speaker 2: best for the child. You be the best parent you
18:37
Speaker 2: can be, protect your kids, get them therapy, do all
18:41
Speaker 2: the things because you cannot reason with unreasonable people.
18:46
Speaker 1: Yeah. And I know in this situation specifically for you,
18:49
Speaker 1: your children are really really young.
18:51
Speaker 2: Actually that's going to work in your favor. Especially it
18:55
Speaker 2: is really hard in Kentucky to get anything but fifty
18:58
Speaker 2: to fifty. It is freaking dang near it possible, and
19:01
Speaker 2: I was able to get.
19:02
Speaker 1: Yeah. We live in a no fault state as well.
19:04
Speaker 2: Right, majority time sharing with my youngest win because we
19:09
Speaker 2: divorced when she was like sixteen. I fought for a
19:11
Speaker 2: divorce when she was sixteen months old, but until she
19:14
Speaker 2: was two. Yep, we were able to get that. Or
19:18
Speaker 2: it might have've be until she was three. I don't remember. Yeah,
19:20
Speaker 2: I think it was till she was two.
19:21
Speaker 1: There's there's some.
19:22
Speaker 2: There was no overnight visits until she was two, and
19:24
Speaker 2: then even then it was limited to like once a week, yeah,
19:26
Speaker 2: and overnights.
19:27
Speaker 1: And that's definitely a pro when they're young. The con though,
19:30
Speaker 1: is really that parallel parenting when they're young is a
19:33
Speaker 1: little bit harder, right because they they they don't have
19:36
Speaker 1: any independence. Like parallel parenting becomes way easier as the
19:40
Speaker 1: child gets older because they are.
19:43
Speaker 2: They can get themselfish out of the car and like
19:46
Speaker 2: go to the door of the other parent, like you
19:47
Speaker 2: don't have to see it, right exactly.
19:49
Speaker 1: Those are good days, Yes, those are man, it is freeing.
19:53
Speaker 1: But you know the moment that I stopped to give it,
19:55
Speaker 1: like I gave up on the idea that one I
19:58
Speaker 1: could ever reason with my to that he was ever
20:02
Speaker 1: gonna give me any type of validation as another like
20:05
Speaker 1: just that's a pipe dream. Maybe let it go, Okay,
20:08
Speaker 1: it just ain't gonna happen. And the more that you
20:10
Speaker 1: can just be like, you know what, because they'll try
20:12
Speaker 1: to tear you down and say things that that like
20:15
Speaker 1: you're not a good mother, or you know you do
20:17
Speaker 1: all these things that are terrible.
20:20
Speaker 2: Don't listen to it.
20:21
Speaker 1: Don't listen.
20:22
Speaker 2: Don't listen to it. Don't listen to Harry's it's unreasonable.
20:25
Speaker 2: Don't don't try to defend yourself. It is not worth it.
20:29
Speaker 2: And what I saw Terry, you might be surprised that
20:33
Speaker 2: having some time away from your kids can actually fuel
20:38
Speaker 2: your mental health a little bit and give you a break.
20:43
Speaker 2: And I didn't think it would and and I'm not
20:48
Speaker 2: gonna lie. I was always kind of worried if my
20:50
Speaker 2: kids were okay. But when they started being in the care,
20:54
Speaker 2: so he was basically putting them in the care of
20:58
Speaker 2: his mom on his time at towards the end, because
21:01
Speaker 2: he was so bad off, I felt fine with them
21:03
Speaker 2: being with her, And so it actually was like, oh
21:06
Speaker 2: my gosh.
21:07
Speaker 1: I get a break.
21:08
Speaker 2: I get a break. Yeah, Like I can actually like
21:10
Speaker 2: walk around a store, like read a.
21:12
Speaker 1: Book, go out with your best friend right now, go.
21:15
Speaker 2: Out to dinner. So I think sometimes we find that, yes,
21:22
Speaker 2: we do grieve that time at first, but if you
21:26
Speaker 2: use it to fuel the betterment of yourself. Yeah, it
21:30
Speaker 2: can actually sometimes be beneficial.
21:32
Speaker 1: Absolutely, we're going to do one more. Okay, guys, because
21:35
Speaker 1: this is going to be a short one. But and
21:37
Speaker 1: this is on the DA and it's a more dating question.
21:40
Speaker 1: My Dax and I broke up a long time ago
21:44
Speaker 1: and have been in a hookup situation since last summer.
21:47
Speaker 1: I have so many feelings and he says he has none.
21:51
Speaker 1: I saw him the other night and I realized we've
21:53
Speaker 1: hit the ceiling and that there's nothing I can do
21:55
Speaker 1: that will really make him see me. Nothing bad happened,
21:58
Speaker 1: just a bunch of micro moments that made me cry
22:00
Speaker 1: as soon as he left because I finally understood this
22:03
Speaker 1: is truly just casual to him, and I don't feel respected,
22:06
Speaker 1: cared for, or considered it all. I decided to try
22:09
Speaker 1: a twenty to one day detox by deleting snapchat. We're
22:12
Speaker 1: still in our twenties, since that's where we usually communicate,
22:15
Speaker 1: and interrupting the loop of constantly checking to see if
22:17
Speaker 1: he's messaged me and taking away my option to message him.
22:20
Speaker 1: Smart Right now, I'm angry and more emotional as my
22:23
Speaker 1: period is about to start. Girl, but the anger and
22:27
Speaker 1: the big emotions that are feeling it will turn to
22:29
Speaker 1: yearning and obsessing in no time. I'm sure I think
22:33
Speaker 1: about him literally twenty four to seven, but I want
22:36
Speaker 1: to prove to myself I can do the twenty one
22:38
Speaker 1: days of no contact, no checking. Does anyone have advice
22:41
Speaker 1: for when the anger wears off and I start to
22:43
Speaker 1: spiral and want to re download Snapchat, or when my
22:46
Speaker 1: thoughts become even more obsessive about him, Please understand I
22:50
Speaker 1: need to do this in baby steps. I don't know
22:52
Speaker 1: what my goal is after the twenty one days. I
22:55
Speaker 1: cannot just block him though.
22:57
Speaker 2: Oh girl, oh honey, oh boy. To mid forties women
23:04
Speaker 2: sitting here with a lot more wisdom, First of all,
23:10
Speaker 2: I see myself in that in my earlier years for sure.
23:14
Speaker 2: And what I will say is your brain is ruminating
23:16
Speaker 2: because you're trying to think through what you really need
23:19
Speaker 2: to feel through. So that's why that is happening. And
23:22
Speaker 2: I would love to work with you to teach you
23:23
Speaker 2: true and safe somatic processing that actually works for you
23:27
Speaker 2: to release that pent up emotion. And it was intermittent reinforcement,
23:33
Speaker 2: which is what created the addiction. So you're addicted your
23:36
Speaker 2: dopamine reward system in your brain has been hacked, and
23:38
Speaker 2: the only thing that normalizes it is no contact. Twenty
23:41
Speaker 2: one days is not going to do it. You need
23:43
Speaker 2: to minimum ninety day that and really forever that, please,
23:48
Speaker 2: because he's just going to pull you back in. That's
23:51
Speaker 2: what they do. They hoover you back in with tiny
23:54
Speaker 2: little breadcrumbs. And it really is one of those things
23:59
Speaker 2: where you might just have to really learn the hard
24:03
Speaker 2: way through life if you don't seek deep intervention. I
24:06
Speaker 2: mean I would definitely check out my program, check out
24:09
Speaker 2: my breakup course.
24:10
Speaker 1: It would probably be a really good scholarship participant. Because
24:13
Speaker 1: she is so young. I mean I don't know, I
24:15
Speaker 1: don't know anything about her history. We're trying to scholarship. Yeah,
24:18
Speaker 1: we're trying to start a scholarship program.
24:20
Speaker 2: Guys, Yeah, we are. We're doing a scholarship program. Yeah.
24:25
Speaker 2: I mean start with my self paced program. Yeah, go
24:28
Speaker 2: through the breakup course, because I do walk you through,
24:33
Speaker 2: you know, working through toxic hope and how to get
24:36
Speaker 2: rid of it.
24:37
Speaker 1: What to do and not do on social media. I
24:39
Speaker 1: mean I think that's a huge piece.
24:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, it is how you know, yeah, how to safely
24:43
Speaker 2: interact with social media based on your goals. You're trauma bonded.
24:48
Speaker 2: You're in an intermittent reinforcement loop. It's just an addiction.
24:51
Speaker 2: It is not love. It's just addiction. It's like if
24:54
Speaker 2: he was a drug, if it's like he was heroin.
24:55
Speaker 2: You can't just do a little bit of heroin. You
24:57
Speaker 2: can't just be like, well, I'm going to give up
24:59
Speaker 2: heroin for twenty days and I'm gonna get some heroin.
25:01
Speaker 2: It's not how this works. He's heroin. You got to
25:04
Speaker 2: stay away forever and just know that I've been in
25:09
Speaker 2: a situation like that before. It is brutal. But now
25:12
Speaker 2: when I look back on that situation or those situations,
25:15
Speaker 2: I should say I recognize, like, what in the hell
25:19
Speaker 2: was I doing? You're just preventing yourself from being open
25:23
Speaker 2: to something real, and something real could be waiting for you,
25:26
Speaker 2: but your nervous system has to attract it. We're all
25:28
Speaker 2: energetic beatings. The law of attraction is God's law. And
25:32
Speaker 2: you're in a very low vibrational state and you have
25:35
Speaker 2: to be able to fix your nervous system, up your
25:38
Speaker 2: vibration and somebody who can really meet you where you
25:42
Speaker 2: are will come.
25:43
Speaker 1: Yeah, and the tools you know that Doc teaches in
25:47
Speaker 1: our program are key to this because you know, interrupting,
25:51
Speaker 1: you know, I know your main question specifically was once
25:53
Speaker 1: the anger wears off, you know, and the looping starts
25:56
Speaker 1: to begin, you.
25:57
Speaker 2: Know, what do I do?
25:58
Speaker 1: But that's really where those two was, like metacognition come
26:01
Speaker 1: in and you can really start to challenge your thoughts
26:04
Speaker 1: and we're.
26:04
Speaker 2: Feeling through what you need to feel through because your
26:07
Speaker 2: brain's trying to protect you with logic.
26:09
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, and those toxic hope those tools are I mean, gosh.
26:13
Speaker 2: It's afraid of the pain. It's afraid of the pain. Yeah,
26:15
Speaker 2: and actually feeling through the pain. When people learn to
26:18
Speaker 2: feel through their pain, it's like my favorite thing to
26:20
Speaker 2: teach people actually how to truly feel their emotions because
26:23
Speaker 2: when they finally feel through pain without a doubt, the
26:26
Speaker 2: biggest set of feedback I get is that's what I
26:29
Speaker 2: was really afraid of. Those sensations.
26:32
Speaker 1: Yeah it's not that bad, Like that was what I
26:34
Speaker 1: was really afraid of my chest, but it felt so great, get.
26:37
Speaker 2: Sick, some nausea. I was really afraid of that. And
26:40
Speaker 2: they realize that when they face a head on it
26:42
Speaker 2: actually dissipates quickly. It's when we fight it that it
26:45
Speaker 2: lingers because we're fighting it and it has a message
26:48
Speaker 2: and it wants to be heard. So when we feel
26:50
Speaker 2: through our pain, it's like that. That's you see what
26:55
Speaker 2: that was? It I was afraid of like a five
26:57
Speaker 2: minute experience. Yeah, every now and again, I'm afraid of
27:01
Speaker 2: like five minutes at a time.
27:02
Speaker 1: Like crying hysterically, and then I love that feeling.
27:05
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, the exhaustion and the sleep that comes after.
27:09
Speaker 1: Oh, it's so great. It's the best. It is the best.
27:12
Speaker 1: I couldn't encourage it more.
27:13
Speaker 2: Actually, yeah, I mean, catharsis is real, right, and it's
27:17
Speaker 2: but it's through facing the pain that the nervous system learns.
27:20
Speaker 2: I don't need to be afraid of pain, so I
27:21
Speaker 2: don't need to try to ruminate, so I don't need
27:23
Speaker 2: to band aid it with food or with shopping, or
27:26
Speaker 2: I don't need to try to dissociate, or I don't
27:28
Speaker 2: need to drink a bottle of wine. When we just
27:30
Speaker 2: feel through it, and we do so safely, and we
27:33
Speaker 2: have to really do operate within our window of tolerance.
27:35
Speaker 2: And that's an important concept I teach to do somatic
27:39
Speaker 2: processing safely when once you do it, you're like, wait,
27:44
Speaker 2: like that that that's what I've been running from my
27:47
Speaker 2: entire life. Yeah, it's it's interesting.
27:49
Speaker 1: It's freeing actually if anything. So guys, thank you guys.
27:54
Speaker 2: We love you.
27:55
Speaker 1: I love you. We love you guys so much, but
27:57
Speaker 1: so much. We love answering like I love.
28:00
Speaker 2: We do these I do too.
28:01
Speaker 1: We will have to do maybe more because right now
28:04
Speaker 1: we only do like once a month, but they are
28:07
Speaker 1: really insightful and I think too, it's just this beautiful
28:11
Speaker 1: window into your community and what your community really wants,
28:15
Speaker 1: which is what we are all about. We want to
28:17
Speaker 1: be about what it is that you want. That's why
28:19
Speaker 1: we're here.
28:20
Speaker 2: Just want you guys to have hope, Like there's life
28:22
Speaker 2: outside of these crappy situations. But it really is up
28:26
Speaker 2: to you to do the work. Nobody can do it
28:28
Speaker 2: for you. It doesn't come through awareness. It comes through
28:30
Speaker 2: the tools, and you have to be able to master
28:33
Speaker 2: your mind process through your emotions, to regulate your nervous
28:37
Speaker 2: systems so that you can get on about life in
28:41
Speaker 2: a secure way. And I mean, my heart breaks for
28:45
Speaker 2: these people with these questions because I just remember being
28:47
Speaker 2: there and it just sucks, but there is a way out,
28:53
Speaker 2: you know, when the door is open. The door to
28:55
Speaker 2: my practice is always open. I'll help you however I can.
28:58
Speaker 2: We'll match you with one of our coaches. We'll get
28:59
Speaker 2: you to a self paced program. We will make it
29:02
Speaker 2: financially accessible for you to get these tools because they're
29:07
Speaker 2: just going to benefit you in your whole life, in
29:09
Speaker 2: your future.
29:10
Speaker 1: And of course, continue to tune in and listen because
29:13
Speaker 1: this is free and we're here every week guys, I
29:16
Speaker 1: mean right now at least, and you know, continue to
29:20
Speaker 1: submit your questions to the group, and like we said
29:22
Speaker 1: at the beginning of this episode.
29:24
Speaker 2: Eventually actually download the episodes. We should tell you load download,
29:29
Speaker 2: like nothing counts unless you download, which is really silly
29:32
Speaker 2: because I never download.
29:33
Speaker 1: Podcasts unless I'm flying or Yeah.
29:36
Speaker 2: If you download the episodes, that helps us, We get
29:40
Speaker 2: props and it boosts us. So download them please.
29:43
Speaker 1: Because this is like, right now, this is just a
29:45
Speaker 1: hobby for us.
29:46
Speaker 2: We don't really make money off that, rybody.
29:48
Speaker 1: We're just doing this for you, guys, and we love
29:49
Speaker 1: it so much. But we would love to.
29:51
Speaker 2: We'd love to not going to debt. Download the episode.
29:56
Speaker 1: Download the episode, go check out doctor Hensley right now
30:00
Speaker 1: at the lovedoc dot com. Again, guys, that's going to
30:02
Speaker 1: be changing. Just bear with us. We will inform the
30:05
Speaker 1: heck out of you in terms of how things are
30:08
Speaker 1: changing because the domain and everything will be changing. But
30:11
Speaker 1: of course the Love Dog Podcast will soon be the
30:14
Speaker 1: Doctor Sarah Hensley Show. Please write into us, let us
30:18
Speaker 1: know what you want to hear about. Submit your questions
30:20
Speaker 1: to me directly if you want to, I can bring
30:22
Speaker 1: those in sometimes. Obviously we always pull from the Facebook
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Speaker 1: Clients and Community group. Please go join that group. It's
30:28
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30:36
Speaker 1: continue to tune in, like, follow, subscribe, leave us a comment,
30:39
Speaker 1: and until next time, peace, love and perspective