Latest / A Heart That Beats for Home / 18. Part 2 - Keeping Your Love On When Navigating Relationships With Missy Hydes

Transcript

18. Part 2 - Keeping Your Love On When Navigating Relationships With Missy Hydes · A Heart That Beats for Home

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey friends, I'm Nikki Smith, your host here at A Heart that Beats for Home, the podcast where we're ditching filters and diving headfirst into the raw beauty of all things home.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Now, I am no expert when it comes to this whole parenting and marriage dance.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I'm simply a gal who's been riding the mom roller coaster for 22 years and a wife still untangling the mystery of it all 25 years after saying I do.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: My goal is to bring you unapologetically messy and boldly genuine conversations about cultivating strong families.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, possibly cry, and straight talk about the joy and chaos that comes within the four walls that we call home.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: No judgment and certainly no perfection, just real talk from my heart, a heart that beats for home.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Let's dive in.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: Hello friends, welcome back to another episode of A Heart that Beats for Home.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: I know so many of you have been itching for this second part of the incredible interview with Missy Hydes to drop, because so much goodness was in that first one and I left you on the edge of your seats waiting for the second part of this conversation.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: So buckle up, get your notebook.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: There is just as much wisdom in this second episode as the first, so join us as we are diving right back into our conversation with the amazing Missy Hydes.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: Missy, I feel like I could write down pages and pages and I know convicted myself in a lot of this and I think it's so, so crucial, even how you just talked about taking ownership, and really the model that we set for how we behave ourselves is what we're teaching our kids is acceptable, and yet we are not okay when they respond to us in the very way that we maybe have just responded to them.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: And I know I can get caught in this back and forth of I'm raising my voice but telling my kids do not raise your voice with me or do not talk disrespectfully to me, and I'm jabbing at them.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: And it's just such an important reminder that where there is places that we're sensing a lot of conflict or a lot of avoidance of hard conversation that maybe a lot of it is we need to look on the environment that we're reflecting out to our children and our spouses.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: So so much just wisdom in that.
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: I think, with like our kids, you know, if they don't.
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: I think we have to be aware of a couple of things.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: One thing I was taught that I really do struggle with still to this day Sunny is much better at it than I am.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: But saying things to your kids, I will continue this conversation when your voice matches mine.
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: But then being willing for your kid to say, mom, I will continue this conversation when your voice matches mine, because I'm typically the one that gets my voice raised or I'm typically the one that kind of wants to come in and big truck running over the small trucks right, that's often what parenting looks like.
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: I think the other thing that's really important is that you're not going to we as people we don't come close to things that we don't feel safe around.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: So if, if you're, if you're sensing that your kids are not desiring to come close to you physically, relationally, in conversation, in sharing of things, in being open about things, that I think it's important, then to do a little self-assessment and maybe get some feedback from them and say like, do you feel safe?
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: Do you feel safe with me to share these things?
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: And then be willing for them to say, no, I don't.
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: I feel like you want me to share, but then you're going to give me a sermon on why I shouldn't have done that, or you're going to be super critical, or you're going to feel judgy, or you're going to you're going to get your feelings hurt when it's not about you, and so just recognizing that, as people, we move towards what feels safe and we move away from what feels unsafe Okay, we move away from what feels unsafe.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: Okay, so let's dig into that just a little bit deeper.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: So let's say that is a reality for a parent that's like I know my kid doesn't feel safe.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: I sense this distance, I sense them pulling away.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: I sense them coming in and dropping their stuff and going to their room and doing their own thing or not wanting to engage in conversation or giving me short answers, all of these things that you're just mentioning.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: How do we then, wanting to be powerful people, start to make changes?
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: Because obviously, if somebody it's a trust issue right, because if I've been in a relationship where I don't feel safe with somebody, I can't have somebody have this one conversation with me and go, okay, and now I feel safe.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: What does that look like?
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: As we move from being powerless people to being powerful people and encouraging our children to do that, what do you think that relationship and what should we expect, as parents, that progression, to be towards getting healthy Again, not going- to be a switch that happens overnight.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: What do you think?
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: For again, I'm just going to say parents, but I think a lot of moms specifically are listening, especially when you have emotions.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: Moms specifically with teenage daughters, which is all you know.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: You don't know teenage boys yet.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: I will tell you that, from my experience, teenage boys do seem to be a little bit more chill than teenage girls.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: But so you put two heavily charged emotional people together, even once, we both come to the place that we say.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: We both want to be powerful, we both want to control our emotions, we both want to have love go up instead of walls go up, and we want to operate in that.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: What are steps that we can take to hold each other accountable?
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: And I love the example that you just gave, because it's one that I have struggled with where I have left a situation when I feel like I'm being disrespected, but that same child is trying to get away from me, when they're feeling attacked, and my response is no, we are finishing this conversation and we're finishing it now, and it's like, well, how come you have the right to walk away and I don't?
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: And again, it's that reflection of man, some of the things that I expect from them towards me.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: I don't have tolerance or patience or beef with to give back.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: So what are just some practical things that you would say to the mom, the dad that's in this battle with a kid who they genuinely love and want closeness to, but have come to the recognition of they don't feel safe and I need to start making changes.
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: What can that look like?
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: Great?
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: So kind of three things come to mind.
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: I think the first is and Nikki, to your point, that example that you gave, I mean, I think that is just back to that.
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: We say, yeah, I know I can only control myself.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: But then what we model is no, I'm going to control you, no, we're going to finish this conversation, no, you're going to stay right here.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: No, I'm controlling, controlling, controlling, and people will flee from it.
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: They will flee from it and then we don't like it because we don't want to be treated that way.
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: But I think that one of the things first and foremost with parents is that if you are at a place not where you're able, but where you're willing because I think everyone's able but not everyone is willing, because it does take a lot of work, it does take a lot of time, it takes humility.
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: Humility is being known for who you are, nothing more wobble at the feet of your kids.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: You're not going to be like, oh, I've been the worst parent ever, I've never done anything right for you, but you have to be able to accept your limit and your losses.
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: But you also have to recognize oh, I am doing something pretty well here, right.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: So you live it with a sense of humility.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: But you have to start making sure that what you're saying is being modeled and oftentimes we say things as parents and then we model something very different for our kids.
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: Or especially when we get scared, especially when we get pushed on, especially when and when I'm saying using the word scared, that's where disrespect comes from.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: You're scared that you're getting disrespected how dare they disrespect me?
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: And something gets pushed on in you that makes you feel afraid and then you respond and you react out of that instead of responding.
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: So you have to, as a parent first and foremost, if you're going to start making change in your family.
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: Before you start telling your family, before you start telling your spouse, you start telling your kids I'm doing this new thing because I listen to a podcast.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: This is what I'm doing Just start living it out, just start modeling it.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: Just start controlling yourself, control your mouth, control your responses, control your actions.
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: Just start modeling it and then, if an explanation is needed, you can say well, I'm actually.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: This is something I've really been working on because I do love you and I want to have good things with us in our relationship.
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: I think some principles to remember, and I think that this is an important thing kind of before.
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: I share these five principles.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: In this engagement of a parent relationship with your child, you are always the parent.
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: The onus falls on you.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: It's not 50-50.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: Marriage is not 50-50.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: It's you're given 100% prodigal son.
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: You are the dad of the prodigal son.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: Always, you are showing it because that is the heart of the father.
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: Jesus doesn't come to us and say well, I'm going to be faithful when you're faithful, I'm going to be respectful when you're respectful.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: That's not the heart of the father and that's not what he is equipping us to do Now.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: We don't do this in our own willpower.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: We don't do this in our own self-willing.
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: If we are believers, we do this by the work of the Holy Spirit.
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: The work of the Holy Spirit, the fruits are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: If we lived out of those fruits in our relationships, we wouldn't need all these books, we wouldn't need podcasts, right?
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: Because that would be then evidenced in our relationships.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: So the principles, though, are being this powerful person and allowing your children.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: So the principles, though, are being this powerful person and allowing your children, your teenager, to be a powerful person, allowing your four-year-old to be a powerful person, letting them have a say.
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: Another thing that has been really helpful for my parenting, helpful in my marriage my business is is it a principle issue?
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: And so many things.
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: You guys are preference issues and we get all up in a tizzy about a preference.
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: There's not one way to make mashed potatoes.
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: There's not one way to clean a kitchen.
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: There's not one way to do laundry.
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: There might be the way that you prefer, but there is not one way.
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: There's not one way to do your hair or dress for school.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: When you're a teenager, there are many times where there are styles and I like current trends, but there's times where I'm like it's not what I prefer.
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: But I don't say a word because it is not a principal issue and it is not worth it to damage relationship or cause a hurt feeling or to say something negative because it's not my preference.
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: So that's a helpful thing to remember.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: But letting your kids be powerful.
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: Like my four year old loves to wear dresses.
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: She wears the ridiculous cartoon like frozen.
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: They nearly look like pajama dresses.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: I hate them.
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: I just hate them.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: I just think they look so dumb.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: She loves them and with my first kid I used to fuss about it and I used to make it a battle and I used to make it a thing.
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: I've learned, thankfully, after five kids it doesn't need to be a thing, right, it doesn't need to be a thing.
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: The more I can give her opportunity.
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: I don't fuss with my kids about putting on their coats when they go outside because it's cold out.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: They'll figure it out.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: Giving them those opportunities to experience, oh my gosh.
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: You know, like when we leave, we're going to be gone for the afternoon and I'll suggest, hey, everybody should maybe grab a coat, and half the kids don't grab a coat.
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: And then we're somewhere and they're freezing and they're like mom, can I have your coat?
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: Can I stand by you?
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: No, I suggested you bring a coat.
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: You made the choice not to.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: It's totally fine, but I'm going to keep my coat on because I knew it was going to be cold.
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: I'm so sorry you're cold.
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: Next time maybe you'll make a different choice.
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: So, again, it's those little experiences letting them choose, letting them be powerful, making sure that you're choosing love over fear.
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: What's the root of these decisions that you're making?
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: Is it rooted in fear or is it rooted in love.
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: Love is patient, Love is kind.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: Right, what is the love chapter in Corinthians 13?
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: Love is patient, love is kind.
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: Love is not self-seeking, it's not easily angered, it's not rude, it doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: So when you're making you know just that easily angered part for me was super convicting.
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: It's still super convicting at times, like love is not easily angered.
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: So I'm pursuing the goal of connection.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: What I'm choosing.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: You know, when we say even things like I know I was giving an example of, like fun or real, I don't use go to your room typically as like a punishment.
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: Or if my girls are fighting with each other or fussing at each other, we typically don't say like just go to your room, because that's just creating distance, it's not creating connection.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: Connection is hey, there's a mess to be cleaned up, not a literal mess, but like a relational mess.
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: What do you want to do about it?
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: And putting it back on them, empowering them I'm so sorry this happened, what do you want to do about it?
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: Instead of rescuing and solving the problem for your kid, empathizing, saying I'm so sorry this happened, what do you want to do about it?
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: Okay, pursuing that goal of connection, having respectful communication.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: I kind of mentioned this of like, when your voice sounds like mine, we'll continue the conversation.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: You can do that with adults.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: You don't have to stay on the phone with somebody that's barking at you.
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: You can just say like I love you, but when you're ready to talk respectfully, you can definitely give me a call back.
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: I love you.
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: Goodbye, click.
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: I've never had to do that, but that is something that you can do.
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: And then having healthy boundaries Healthy boundaries is just what am I going to do so that I can stay in the best possible control of myself to keep my love on and my connection to you.
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: So that is another.
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: That's kind of like the second thing.
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: The third thing this is a real practical thing that you can do with your kids.
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: And now I do think that, in terms of this idea of safety, I think this is probably one of the best things that you can do is it's it's this idea of stop, start and continue and you can go to your kid and you can be like hey, I'm just sensing that maybe you don't feel super safe with me and because you don't feel safe with me not necessarily physically safe, but like relationally, emotionally safe with me.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: You don't feel like you can share with me.
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: You often just head to your bedroom.
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: You often are on your phone.
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: You're often short when I'm asking you questions, and you know so.
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: I want you to feel safe with me.
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: I want you to feel like I am a safe place for you, so is there anything that I'm doing that I could stop doing that's not making you feel safe.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: What could I do?
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: This is getting feedback, and feedback in a healthy relationship has to be part of the dynamic.
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: You give feedback and you feel safe.
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: What could I do?
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: This is getting feedback, and feedback in a healthy relationship has to be part of the dynamic.
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: You give feedback and you get feedback.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: If you hear me say feedback and you're like that makes me nervous or sick to my stomach, or if, when someone sends you a text and like hey, can I talk to you, and your first thought is a negative of like oh my gosh, what did I do wrong?
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: You probably aren't practicing a lot of feedback in your relationships, so stop, start and continue is what am I doing that I can stop doing?
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: What am I doing that's making you feel just not safe, or making you feel criticized or making you feel like I'm not hearing you.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: What can I stop doing?
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: What can I start doing that I'm not currently doing to make you feel seen, to make you feel seen, to make you feel heard?
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: What could I continue doing that I am doing?
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: And if this is the first time you were having the conversation with your child, they might look at you, like you two heads, and be like I have no reference point for this.
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: I've never heard you talk like this before.
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: We don't talk like this as a family.
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: Where is this coming from?
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: Mom?
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: So weird, that's so dumb.
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: And then you have to then, as a parent, say it's okay, just think about it.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: If something comes to mind at any point tonight, tomorrow, in a month, I'd really love to know.
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: I'm taking ownership for my part of our relationship.
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: I want to have a great relationship with you.
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: I want you to want to have a great relationship with me, but I can't control anything about you.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: I can only control me.
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: So I'm going to do my best to show up in the very best way that I can in our relationship.
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: So if anything that I'm doing that you'd like me to stop doing, please tell me Anything I'm not doing that you want me to start doing.
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: Please tell me Anything that you want me to continue, please tell me.
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: And then, as the parent, you have to be able to take what they're saying and not say a word, not be like well, I do that because I love you, I do that because it's the right thing to do.
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: You can't justify, you can't push back.
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: You just have to let them give you feedback and take it and then sort out what is the good stuff from it, because some of it they might say stuff and you're like that's not true.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: I never do that.
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: You don't have to present that to them in that moment.
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: You just have to be able to take the feedback, sift through it, ask the Lord, get discernment, and then there's probably going to be some good nuggets and some of it might be a little shocking to you and might be like oh my gosh, I didn't realize that I was doing that and that they didn't like that made them feel unsafe.
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: Another little practical thing that we really work hard in our family when we're communicating is really to not have in our vocabulary words like never, always.
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: They're just not true.
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: When we say things like they always do that, you're always this way or you're never this way and it just creates a very exaggerated and emotional dynamic in conversation because it's rarely to never true and so it's just even some of those language tools that you can have within your family dynamic can be really helpful as you're moving towards navigating healthier relationships.
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: Your parenting whether it's in-law families, your own family, church family, business relationships go to work on you, not in a I'm going to just do personal development, but really transformative work, a transformative work of I didn't personal develop my way to this spot after eight years I am a different person.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: I am a different person and I live differently and I choose differently, but it was a transformation and a work of allowing the Lord to really transform these things and then recognize them and then move in the opposite in a new way.
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: Wow, miss, I just feel like there is so much in here.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: I am just like I feel like I have another 20, 30 questions I could ask you.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: Maybe we could do a year-long guest spot, 52 episodes with Missy Hyde.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: This is so, so good.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: I'm going to ask you one more question.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because I know that this is another one of your really good wheelhouses and you mentioned it a tiny bit.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: You referenced it, but you have just gotten really, really good at setting boundaries and not to be at arm's length from people, but just to protect your own peace.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: As you mentioned.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: That that's something that you really want to live a peaceful life.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: And I don't know that there's any parent or child that would say, oh, I don't want to live a peaceful life.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: And I don't know that there's any parent or child that would say, oh, I don't want to live a peaceful life.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: And I think a huge part of that is setting boundaries with the people that you live with, but also setting boundaries to how you protect all the time.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: Being a homeschool mom, a business owner, a coach, I mean you have so many things going on.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: What would be just a few tips on setting boundaries in relationship and schedule for your family to keep peace.
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: So when I really understood what boundaries were, I felt like it was really freeing.
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: I think the two characteristics that I want my life to represent and I want to spur people towards is joy and freedom.
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: If I can help people experience more joy and more freedom, I feel like that is really what the calling is for me and the invitation from the Lord is.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: And so all that to say, when I understood what healthy boundaries was, it was like so freeing and it felt because I again kind of like how I had always thought being powerful was negative.
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: Boundaries seemed so negative to me.
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: They seemed like what you needed to do in order to protect yourself from getting hurt from other people, and I was like, eh, okay, but I knew that boundaries as I got older were necessary, but I didn't really understand what that looked like.
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: Or how do you have a boundary with somebody but yet still stay in relationship to me?
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: Because, honestly, my tendency was like, if I need a boundary with you, then I just actually probably don't even want to be in a relationship with you.
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: So then there was a total disconnect or a total cutting off, and so what I realized, or what I learned, was that a healthy boundary is not telling other people what they can or cannot do.
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: A healthy boundary is me expressing first to myself my limits, my losses, my capabilities, and then communicating that, if and when I need to, to other people what those boundaries are.
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: Sometimes you know there are boundaries that I have that never get voiced to other people, but I operate out of those boundaries.
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: They're an internal boundary that I just know.
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: This is like.
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: This is the perimeters that I need to stay within so that I can stay engaged with people, so that I can keep my love on, so I can show up with a smile on my face, with good energy, with high enthusiasm, like I've got to have some personal boundaries, these healthy boundaries.
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: And then there are times where you will communicate boundaries to people.
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: The other thing that I had to learn and I actually had made some mistakes along the way in doing this is that I would put up a boundary and boundaries.
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: Think of them.
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: Boundaries are like fences for myself, keeping myself in.
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: Boundaries that we typically often learn are kind of like putting up walls, like keeping people out right.
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: But one of the things that is required when you've decided on a healthy boundary that affects other people is you have to be willing to have a courageous conversation and communicate why you are putting up this healthy boundary, because otherwise it will feel like rejection to them and that's hurtful and they won't understand.
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: Well, why don't I get access to her like I used to?
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: Why don't I have an open door like I used to?
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: Why can't I call her any time of the day or night like I used to?
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: If I don't communicate that to people, then it feels like rejection instead of being willing to take courageous conversation to say hey, I've just realized in this season of my life this is my capacity, this is my max, this is my limit for me to be able to function with all the responsibilities that I have, I've got to be able to kind of keep these boundaries, and so that has pertained to everything from within my business communicating to people like, hey, you can call or text me anytime, but after this time in the evening until this time the next morning, I won't be responding.
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: I'm not telling them what they can or cannot do, I'm just telling them what I'm going to do, and then they can adjust and they can make those adjustments when it pertains to visitors in my home, like there's just, I've communicated.
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: This is like my limit and it's nothing on them.
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: It's just that's my capacity right now.
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: So you can do with that what you want.
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: You can decide how long or how short you want your visit to be, but that's gonna be what I can manage.
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: And people that are powerful, people will respect and honor healthy boundaries.
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: People that are powerless will want to push on or negate or criticize the healthy boundaries.
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: Okay, and that's okay.
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: Guess what you don't get to control that?
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: You just get to keep communicating.
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: So even healthy boundaries, with things I mean I know, maybe this is I'm trying to think of one that pertains to, like my girls or the kiddos, oh, okay, maybe this is a funny one, maybe this will be like very exciting for some of you moms out there.
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: I communicated to my kids about three years ago that on Sunday night the kitchen was going to be closed.
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: They were welcome to find any food that they wanted to feed themselves on Sunday night.
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: Now, granted, my kids are 1, 4, 8, 11, 13, and 16.
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: So three years ago they were in the littler.
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: I did say I will take care of the little two, but I just said, like you're all old enough to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, to find some leftovers in the fridge, to make some popcorn, to make a shake.
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: I don't care what you eat, but Sunday night is the night that I am giving off to myself to not provide a meal for the family.
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: So I'm just letting you guys know what I'm doing and I'm doing that so that the other 20 meals of the week that I cook for the family I'm not getting embittered by, I'm not getting resentful about, I'm not getting frustrated that I never get a break, right.
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: I just always know by Sunday night I'm getting a break and they can eat whatever they want.
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: But here's the other caveat is the mother.
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: I have to very much temper any opinion I share about what they're going to eat.
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: And then that's the thing that moms don't do really well.
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: It's like we tell our kids like we'll figure something out to eat, and then the kids go and figure out something to eat and then we're like why did you pick that you can't eat, that you can't eat a hot dog cold, and the kid's like why I'm eating the hot dog cold.
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: Right, so if you're going to give your kids, if you're going to set a healthy boundary and then give your kids the ability to adjust and start to make some independent decisions, then be very careful on the comments or the criticisms or the critiquing that you make about the decisions that they are making.
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: They're doing the very best they can, and this is part of that setting your kids up to try things.
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: Set your kids up to have some failure.
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: Set your kids up to realize like, oh gosh, I thought I really could make up this whole great meal and it is really disgusting, and now I'm really hungry.
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: So that's maybe just another healthy boundary, or a boundary Again.
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: It seems minor, it seems small, but it is just another place of me being able to stay managing myself as best as I can so that I can stay as well connected to all of the people in my life that I desire.
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: Oh, another time that this came up was just in a relationship with a friend, and she was really desiring more out of the friendship than I was able to give, and so I communicated to her I am giving you all that I can in our friendship in this season, you all that I can in our friendship in this season.
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: You're super important to me.
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: I love you so very much, but if you are needing more friendship time.
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to be able to give any more than I am, so that's what I can put on the table.
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: And then she was free to make whatever adjustments.
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: But it really freed her and I both up from like super hurt feelings or bitterness or misunderstandings, because I and it took a long time to do that, because that's just an area I've had to grow in I have often struggled with like people pleasing or just not wanting to upset people.
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: I've had to really break the pattern of like, oh I could just do one more thing, oh I could just say yes one more time, and really learning that I do have limits and I do have a limited capacity.
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: It took me to the age of 43 to realize that I had a limited capacity, but being able to communicate that to her and then she could adjust and I also had to be willing that her adjustment might be she didn't want to be friends anymore, because if what she needed from a friendship was not what I was going to be able to give her, maybe she would choose want to be friends anymore, because if what she needed from a friendship was not what I was going to be able to give her.
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: Maybe she would choose to not be friends anymore and I had to be willing to take that risk, but I also knew that that was as far as I could go, that was as much as I could give in that friendship in that season.
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: So those are, I think maybe, hopefully that's some examples what you would, I think, would, categorize as like a healthy boundary.
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: I think the kitchens closed on Sunday night might be the new trend.
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: It's a game changer, right A game changer.
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: Everybody needs to hashtag closed kitchen on Sunday, and it's so great, missy, I am just, I'm so grateful for you taking this huge chunk of your time to just pour into us.
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: One of the promises I made when I decided to start this was to bring people before our listeners that I believe are worth following, that come from a place of wisdom it's not just a fad or a trend, but people who are willing to do hard life work, self-evaluation and just making a commitment to want to do life well so that it is a ripple effect for other generations.
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: And I am just so unbelievably grateful to you for taking this time and just for being here and just offering so much wisdom to the listeners.
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: I know that this is an episode that people will listen to over and over, to just continue to take away so much of what you said, and so I just I thank you so much for taking the time to be here and, before we sign off, as always, if you would be so kind to rate or review, or both, the show before you sign off, that's the way that we get this podcast into the hands of others who are also passionate about cultivating strong families.
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: Make sure to share, like and review.
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: Until next week, friends, take care.