Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / My best friend has turned into an a$$hole | Life Advice

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My best friend has turned into an a$$hole | Life Advice · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:13
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast off Today.
0:16
Speaker 1: My name is Alexis Fernandez. This is Do Your fucking Mind.
0:19
Speaker 1: This is the podcast where we help you change your
0:22
Speaker 1: relationship with yourself, with your brain, and with your life.
0:25
Speaker 1: Today's a head Noise episode. I have email head Noise episodes.
0:29
Speaker 1: We have quite a few that are coming through lately.
0:33
Speaker 1: Actually we always do, but sometimes there are waves of
0:35
Speaker 1: like heaps of questions coming through, so we definitely thought
0:38
Speaker 1: like we need to hit some email head noise questions.
0:41
Speaker 1: And I'm very excited because some of the titles are
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Speaker 1: just fucking brilliant, like the first one that I'm going
0:44
Speaker 1: to be reading out called my Bestie is Turning into
0:46
Speaker 1: a Shit can't can't wait for that one. Anyway, I've
0:49
Speaker 1: got three that I'm gonna get through today. If you
0:51
Speaker 1: haven't already, please go check out my substack substack. It's
0:56
Speaker 1: Notes on the Mind dot substack dot com. I love
1:01
Speaker 1: my substack. I'm absolutely loving it. I'm really enjoying. It's
1:04
Speaker 1: kind of where my written work lives. There's written versions
1:06
Speaker 1: of my podcast episodes. They're not all of them, but
1:09
Speaker 1: a few of them, and I'm going to try and
1:10
Speaker 1: make it more consistent every week, at least with the
1:13
Speaker 1: Tuesday episodes, not the head nois ones obviously, but then
1:15
Speaker 1: I put other things. Every Sunday, I have a new
1:18
Speaker 1: series that have started, and it's called Smarter, Hotter, Sharper,
1:21
Speaker 1: and it's about like just being the sharpest mind you
1:24
Speaker 1: can be, and I give you different like tips and
1:27
Speaker 1: tools and things to note and things to keep in
1:29
Speaker 1: mind for the week ahead. I do that every single Sunday.
1:31
Speaker 1: So I'm really, really, really really enjoying my substack. Anyway,
1:35
Speaker 1: life updates. The boys are turning eleven months old tomorrow,
1:39
Speaker 1: which blows my mind. I have eleven month old boys
1:42
Speaker 1: plural crazy crazy behavior, and I just don't know what
1:47
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do when they turn one. I was literally watching,
1:50
Speaker 1: if you guys know Rachel Dylan. I was watching her
1:52
Speaker 1: socials before her son turns one, like a few weeks ago,
1:54
Speaker 1: and the night before he turned one, she was sobbing,
1:57
Speaker 1: and I'm like, that would be me. I'll be sobbing
2:00
Speaker 1: mess not knowing how the fuck it's been a year
2:03
Speaker 1: and it's been such a roller coaster. I just can't imagine.
2:06
Speaker 1: It's just yeah. Anyway, so they're eleven months old tomorrow
2:09
Speaker 1: and I have to plan their birthday party. And if
2:11
Speaker 1: anyone knows me personally, or even if you just listened
2:15
Speaker 1: to the podcast enough, people think that I'm really organized.
2:18
Speaker 1: I'm actually not that organized. This is why I need
2:21
Speaker 1: routines more than the average person, because I lack this
2:26
Speaker 1: kind of innate ability to be organized, and when it
2:29
Speaker 1: comes to organizing events and things, I'm even worse. Okay,
2:32
Speaker 1: Tyrone and I are the same kind of person. You
2:35
Speaker 1: should see us when we're in Europe. We book accommodation
2:37
Speaker 1: two days out from the city that we're going to
2:39
Speaker 1: go to, like we're both just as bad as each other,
2:41
Speaker 1: which in a way would be very frustrating for the
2:44
Speaker 1: average person. But in another way it's great because a
2:46
Speaker 1: we can't get annoyed each other because we are that person.
2:49
Speaker 1: I can't be like you didn't do that because I
2:51
Speaker 1: also didn't do it. So we're fucking so unorganized when
2:53
Speaker 1: it comes to travel. But then it's also weirdly rewarding
2:59
Speaker 1: because every time we're so last minute, we end up
3:01
Speaker 1: getting rewarded with a really good deal, so we don't
3:03
Speaker 1: get punished for our lack of organization. So it just
3:06
Speaker 1: kind of reinforces for us to continue being unorganized until
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Speaker 1: the end of time. Anyway, So watch me try and
3:13
Speaker 1: organize my twins' first birthday party. I also don't want
3:16
Speaker 1: it to be a major deal and want it to
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Speaker 1: be relatively casual, just with friends and like close friends
3:20
Speaker 1: and the whole family. So maybe it'll be Formula one themed.
3:24
Speaker 1: Maybe it's going to be Thing one and Thing two
3:26
Speaker 1: from Dr Seus's themed. I don't know. It could go
3:29
Speaker 1: either way. Anyway, that's the life update. I did want
3:33
Speaker 1: to give you a recommendation. Oh okay, so Apple TV
3:37
Speaker 1: Bad Sisters. It's an Irish TV show. It is so
3:40
Speaker 1: fucking good. It is about well, I'm not giving away
3:43
Speaker 1: the storyline, but it's basically where these sisters are trying
3:47
Speaker 1: to kill their brother in law and I think that
3:49
Speaker 1: well he actually they do succeed in killing him. Well
3:53
Speaker 1: I'm guessing. I'm guessing they're the ones that killed him. Anyway,
3:55
Speaker 1: it's really interesting. But he's like this psychopathic, coercive, controlling
3:59
Speaker 1: nassist and then you just really want him to die.
4:02
Speaker 1: It sounds awful, but you really do. You're really on
4:04
Speaker 1: the sister sciety, like this man needs to be dead.
4:07
Speaker 1: So go watch it. It's brilliant. Anyway, let's get into
4:11
Speaker 1: the first question of today. My bestie is turning into
4:14
Speaker 1: a shit cunt love. I love you already, Hi, Alexis
4:18
Speaker 1: I desperately need advice on how to deal with my
4:20
Speaker 1: bestie for context, this girl. I feel like you already
4:23
Speaker 1: a pissed off by calling her this girl. This girl
4:26
Speaker 1: has been my best friend for years. She was the
4:28
Speaker 1: live to my alexis my go to for everything. Oh
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Speaker 1: I love. However, this past year she has turned into
4:34
Speaker 1: an energy vampire. She was going through a lot of
4:38
Speaker 1: drama with her toxic job at a gym, and it
4:41
Speaker 1: really took a toll on her. I was there for
4:43
Speaker 1: her when she needed me, but now she has quit
4:44
Speaker 1: that job. Since April, I'm thinking, okay, cool, I get
4:47
Speaker 1: my best big energy back. No, we stop seeing each
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Speaker 1: other less and less, and now every time we do
4:53
Speaker 1: hang out it's a catch up and all she talks
4:55
Speaker 1: about is herself and her former toxic job. She never
4:58
Speaker 1: asks how I am anymore, and if she does, it's
5:00
Speaker 1: only about fitness. After hearing one of your epps, I
5:03
Speaker 1: decided to downgrade our friendship to a quote catch up
5:06
Speaker 1: friend Since we're not hanging out every weekend anymore. She
5:09
Speaker 1: always initiates to hang out but always cancels on me
5:12
Speaker 1: last minute, and has flaked more than five times. She
5:14
Speaker 1: says it's because she makes plans when she's in a
5:17
Speaker 1: good mood, but then when it's time to rock up,
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Speaker 1: she doesn't feel like it anymore. It pisses me off
5:21
Speaker 1: because when she does decide to commit to her own plans,
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Speaker 1: she brings so much negative energy to our chats. She's
5:27
Speaker 1: constantly saying that she's going through a hard time, but
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Speaker 1: at this point, she's deliberately choosing to suffer, and she
5:32
Speaker 1: is becoming a miserable person. Like little side note here,
5:36
Speaker 1: I literally did an episode on Miserable People about I
5:39
Speaker 1: want to say, three weeks ago, so it sounds exactly
5:41
Speaker 1: like that she's ticking all the boxes of misery. We
5:44
Speaker 1: recently caught up for a coffee and she yapped for
5:46
Speaker 1: an hour and a half about herself, and when I
5:48
Speaker 1: charmed in about how I'm doing, she cut me off
5:50
Speaker 1: to relate it again to a toxic job. She then
5:52
Speaker 1: gave me an overdue birthday gift and said here, I
5:54
Speaker 1: didn't have time to wrap it because I've been so
5:56
Speaker 1: busy and handed it to me. This bitch has been
5:59
Speaker 1: unemployed for two months and didn't have time to wrap
6:01
Speaker 1: her best friend's birthday gift after I mailed her. This
6:05
Speaker 1: was after I mailed her a candle that I had made,
6:07
Speaker 1: a handwritten card and traits for her birthday. I want
6:09
Speaker 1: to call her out on her bullshit, but I don't
6:11
Speaker 1: know how to do that over coffee. Lol. She knows
6:13
Speaker 1: it will be coming from love, but I tend to
6:16
Speaker 1: come off extremely blunt and hate having difficult convos. With
6:19
Speaker 1: how self absorbed she's become, I'm not sure how receptive
6:22
Speaker 1: she'd be to my opinions of how friendship. Please help?
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Speaker 1: Should I dump her from my life or give her
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Speaker 1: another chance? Okay? This is so fucking annoying and infuriating,
6:30
Speaker 1: And I think the reason why you're stuck between these
6:32
Speaker 1: two minds of like do I just ditch it all
6:34
Speaker 1: together or do I keep going? Is because of the history.
6:36
Speaker 1: You've got a really good history of having her as
6:38
Speaker 1: a really good friend. If she's the live to your Alexis,
6:40
Speaker 1: then I can imagine it would have been a fucking
6:42
Speaker 1: beautiful friendship like one of the ages. Okay, with the
6:47
Speaker 1: behavior that she's displaying now. If you've met her now
6:50
Speaker 1: and this is a kind of friend she was, you
6:51
Speaker 1: wouldn't entertain it for it for a second, Okay. So
6:55
Speaker 1: it's just something that to keep in mind. Something you
6:57
Speaker 1: always have to remember is if things kept going the
6:59
Speaker 1: way they're going and nothing I did or suggested would
7:02
Speaker 1: cause it to change, would I walk away? And I
7:05
Speaker 1: think we all know that the answer would be yes.
7:06
Speaker 1: It would be unfortunate, but yes I would walk away
7:09
Speaker 1: because if I met this person as they were, and
7:11
Speaker 1: they were all about being miserable, they were all about
7:14
Speaker 1: like literally never giving anything to the other side of
7:17
Speaker 1: the friendship, never wanting to help themselves out, even after
7:20
Speaker 1: you'd gone through them through the hard time with them,
7:23
Speaker 1: you'd be like, this is a bit of a drain.
7:24
Speaker 1: Like you said, she's an energy vampire. Okay. But in
7:27
Speaker 1: my opinion, I always love whenever it's whenever appropriate, and
7:32
Speaker 1: whenever it's not like abusive. I always do love to
7:36
Speaker 1: give a second chance. I think you feel really good
7:39
Speaker 1: within yourself to be able to extend that olive branch
7:42
Speaker 1: and give a second chance. I also think for your
7:44
Speaker 1: own mental health, if you have this nostalgia for a
7:47
Speaker 1: friendship that used to be, and you want to see
7:49
Speaker 1: if there's any chance of getting it back. I think
7:52
Speaker 1: it's nice to feel in yourself that there was no
7:54
Speaker 1: stone left unturned, and if it doesn't work out, you
7:57
Speaker 1: feel really good in yourself, being like I really did
7:59
Speaker 1: everything I could. I was, whether you want to call
8:03
Speaker 1: it the bigger person or not, but I extended it.
8:05
Speaker 1: I did the peace offering. I tried. I put myself
8:07
Speaker 1: out there. I was vulnerable. I have the hard conversation.
8:09
Speaker 1: If it still didn't work after that, then I have
8:12
Speaker 1: nothing to regret. Sometimes we think, fuck, did I leave
8:14
Speaker 1: that friendship too soon? And then you look back and
8:16
Speaker 1: then you miss these times with your best friends, and
8:19
Speaker 1: you go round and around in head. You'll talk to
8:21
Speaker 1: yourself for decades to come if you feel like there
8:24
Speaker 1: was something that could have been done to salvage it. So,
8:27
Speaker 1: unless it's an abusive relationship, I love a second chance, okay,
8:32
Speaker 1: within reason, within reason, within reason. So my advice to
8:36
Speaker 1: you is you said, should I dump it from my
8:38
Speaker 1: life and give for another chance? One hundred percent I
8:40
Speaker 1: would give another chance. But this is the thing you said,
8:43
Speaker 1: you don't like having these difficult conversations, babe. Same. I
8:46
Speaker 1: think many people don't like having a difficult conversation. I
8:48
Speaker 1: think it is quite you know, it's yeah, like you're
8:51
Speaker 1: worried about coming across to a blunt You're worried of
8:53
Speaker 1: all these things. But the beauty that you have right now,
8:55
Speaker 1: your advantage is that you're already willing to give up
8:58
Speaker 1: the friendship. You have not much to lose. If you're
9:01
Speaker 1: willing to walk away from this friendship, then a hard
9:04
Speaker 1: conversation as like, oh as it is in the moment,
9:06
Speaker 1: it's really if it means that you the hard conversation
9:09
Speaker 1: is kind of the straw that broke the Campbell's back,
9:12
Speaker 1: then so be it right. But if that's also what
9:15
Speaker 1: could turn things around, then I think it's worth it
9:18
Speaker 1: now if you struggle to have that hard conversation over coffee.
9:21
Speaker 1: I'm a huge fan of writing a letter slash. You
9:24
Speaker 1: can do this in a text message, but of having
9:26
Speaker 1: it written down. Sometimes the best way to deliver some
9:30
Speaker 1: really hard information or some really hard, you know, hitting
9:36
Speaker 1: emotional statements is written down because, for two reasons, you
9:41
Speaker 1: can articulate yourself so much more. You get everything that
9:43
Speaker 1: needs to be said said at once, so it's not
9:46
Speaker 1: this back and forth and then now you can't say
9:47
Speaker 1: the second thing because they're like they're weighing too much
9:50
Speaker 1: on this first thing, and now all these other things
9:52
Speaker 1: that you say it all in one go. You said
9:54
Speaker 1: exactly how you want to say it, because you're able
9:56
Speaker 1: to go over it and say, yep, I've articulated myself well.
9:59
Speaker 1: And it also allows them time to process it without
10:03
Speaker 1: you staring at them. Sometimes people like to have that
10:06
Speaker 1: little moment. They're angry, they lash out, they're like really
10:09
Speaker 1: pissed off, they call you whatever name under the sun,
10:12
Speaker 1: but you're not actually there. Then once they calm down
10:14
Speaker 1: and take a breath and hopefully reflect, they're able to
10:17
Speaker 1: then read it again and take it on board and
10:19
Speaker 1: then decide if they're going to take on that feedback
10:22
Speaker 1: or tell you to go fuck yourself. That's the beauty
10:24
Speaker 1: of it, so both people win. Now, I think there
10:30
Speaker 1: is a downside to it as well. I think it
10:33
Speaker 1: takes away the heartfelt vulnerability or for conversation. But if
10:37
Speaker 1: you're in a situation you're like, I just don't know
10:39
Speaker 1: how I'm going to bring myself to it, and she's
10:40
Speaker 1: going to shut down and she's not going to receive
10:42
Speaker 1: it well and it's going to be over coffin. It's
10:43
Speaker 1: going to be really awkward. Then I would absolutely do
10:45
Speaker 1: it written. I think that's written is a thousand times
10:49
Speaker 1: better than you know, doing it half asked, because you can't.
10:53
Speaker 1: And with written, I would prompt to then meet up
10:55
Speaker 1: and talk. But at least you're both prepped for what
10:58
Speaker 1: the conversation is going to be about. No bushed anyone.
11:00
Speaker 1: It's not like, oh, well, I thought we were going
11:02
Speaker 1: to be doing this and it was going to be
11:03
Speaker 1: fun and now I'm fucking I feel like it's a
11:06
Speaker 1: really good opportunity to do that. So if I were you,
11:09
Speaker 1: I would not point everything that I need to say
11:13
Speaker 1: to her. Then I would look at what is the
11:15
Speaker 1: most important thing, and you put the most important things
11:17
Speaker 1: at the top of that message, the most important things,
11:19
Speaker 1: and don't go into the nitty gritty details. Don't go
11:21
Speaker 1: into we're talking about like you know, don't don't pick
11:24
Speaker 1: the smallest battles, pick like the main things that are
11:27
Speaker 1: affecting you. And it could be the fact that you
11:29
Speaker 1: feel like everything has absolutely turned around and changed in
11:32
Speaker 1: the relationship. She never gives time to you ever at all,
11:35
Speaker 1: and you also feel like she has just turned into
11:38
Speaker 1: someone really negative when she used to be someone really fun.
11:40
Speaker 1: I think that's really important to raise to her because
11:42
Speaker 1: even moving forward, when she's even if she chooses not
11:45
Speaker 1: to pursue this friendship with you, I think it is
11:48
Speaker 1: important that she has that knowledge in the back of
11:50
Speaker 1: her mind because that's how she's going to play out
11:52
Speaker 1: her other friendships, not just with you. So that would
11:56
Speaker 1: be my advice. You tell her, hit her fucking between
11:58
Speaker 1: the eyes, tell her everything that needs to be said,
12:00
Speaker 1: the major things, like the most important things, and then
12:02
Speaker 1: at the end of the message, say the reason I
12:05
Speaker 1: said this in a message is because I wanted to
12:07
Speaker 1: get everything across and articulate myself properly, and I wanted
12:10
Speaker 1: you to have time to read it in your own space.
12:13
Speaker 1: But I would really love to meet up and talk.
12:15
Speaker 1: If this is something that you're open to, please call me,
12:17
Speaker 1: text me. I'm available. That's what I would do. And
12:20
Speaker 1: if she leaves you on red, you've got your answer.
12:22
Speaker 1: You literally did everything, and if anyone else read that message,
12:26
Speaker 1: it would read as respectful but honest. Okay, so you're
12:30
Speaker 1: not being rude, You're not saying you've turned into a
12:32
Speaker 1: cant that we're not character assassinating. We're just telling it
12:36
Speaker 1: as it is and we're being honest. And if that
12:38
Speaker 1: message went around and anybody else read it, they would
12:40
Speaker 1: be like, yeah, it's fucking blunt, but it's honest and
12:43
Speaker 1: it's necessary. Okay, So hopefully that helped, because yeah, if
12:47
Speaker 1: Live and I, if that happened to Live and I, I
12:49
Speaker 1: would absolutely do everything in my power to salvage it,
12:51
Speaker 1: and I would leave nurstone unturned. But at the end
12:54
Speaker 1: of the day, if nothing would ever change, of course
12:56
Speaker 1: you'd have to walk away eventually. Next okay, next question.
13:05
Speaker 1: This one is called death of an Ego. High Lexis.
13:08
Speaker 1: Your podcast has genuinely made me feel seen and I've
13:11
Speaker 1: learned so much from it. Thank you for creating a
13:13
Speaker 1: space where these conversations can happen. Thank you. I've heard
13:17
Speaker 1: people talk about LSD or psychedelic experiences helping them let
13:20
Speaker 1: go of their ego and having really transformative experiences. I'm
13:24
Speaker 1: not exactly keen on taking drugs or trekking into a
13:26
Speaker 1: Peruvian jungle to try ayahuasca or licking a psychedelic toad.
13:30
Speaker 1: So my question is I mean, who doesn't want to
13:33
Speaker 1: lick a toad? Honestly, we're all we can all fucking
13:36
Speaker 1: relate to that. Well, I would lick a toad. I
13:39
Speaker 1: would do aohasca. But anyway, So my question is, what
13:42
Speaker 1: are some other ways to loosen your grip on the ego.
13:45
Speaker 1: I feel like I take myself far too seriously and
13:47
Speaker 1: I'm constantly taking things personally. It affects my relationships, both
13:51
Speaker 1: both personally and professionally. I work in a male dominated industry,
13:55
Speaker 1: which probably doesn't help. I often feel like I have
13:57
Speaker 1: to prove myself, and I think that mindset's bills over
14:00
Speaker 1: into other parts of my life. I have great friends
14:03
Speaker 1: and a wonderful partner, but I really struggle in group settings.
14:05
Speaker 1: I've developed quite a bit of social anxiety and often
14:08
Speaker 1: avoid situations because I'm so worried about how I'm coming across.
14:11
Speaker 1: It makes me wonder whether I'm calling whether what I'm
14:14
Speaker 1: calling ego is something else. And I've really struggled with
14:17
Speaker 1: my ego. Sorry, am I really struggling with my ego?
14:20
Speaker 1: Or am I just excessively self conscious? If I could
14:23
Speaker 1: stop making everything feel so personal and learn to be
14:25
Speaker 1: a bit lighter I'd feel like I'd be happy I'm
14:27
Speaker 1: more connected to the people around me. I'd love to
14:29
Speaker 1: hear your thoughts yours faithfully, Ego Hunter, this is a really,
14:33
Speaker 1: really good question. I really like it. I actually think
14:39
Speaker 1: it has more to do with you're just so self aware.
14:44
Speaker 1: I don't think it's that much to do with your ego.
14:46
Speaker 1: I think it's you're almost so self aware, and not
14:51
Speaker 1: only self aware, but you're hyper aware to the extent
14:54
Speaker 1: where it's almost detrimental, where it's doing your head in.
14:58
Speaker 1: I don't think this is an ego thing, because the
15:00
Speaker 1: ego often is you're protecting this heightened image that you
15:06
Speaker 1: have of yourself, but you're almost like humbling yourself, humbling,
15:12
Speaker 1: constantly humbling yourself. You know, this anxiety around you know,
15:14
Speaker 1: big groups of people and having to perform to be
15:17
Speaker 1: a certain way in this you know, So I don't
15:19
Speaker 1: necessarily think it's ego, although if you are interested in
15:22
Speaker 1: more things talking around the ego, I mean, I feel
15:25
Speaker 1: like some people find him polarizing, but I find the
15:27
Speaker 1: Power of Now by Eckhart totally a really good way
15:30
Speaker 1: to get a grip around the concept of the ego.
15:32
Speaker 1: I really, I really enjoyed that book personally, and yeah,
15:36
Speaker 1: kind he kind of repeats himself a thousand times. But
15:39
Speaker 1: I think it's a good place to start. If you
15:41
Speaker 1: haven't already read that book, definitely give that one a read.
15:45
Speaker 1: But I feel what's going on here might actually have
15:50
Speaker 1: to do with a bit of anxiety. You're saying that
15:53
Speaker 1: you're taking yourself too seriously, you take things too personally.
15:57
Speaker 1: It's affecting your relationships. This comes down to overthinking, like
16:01
Speaker 1: you're you're mulling things over too much. That's a form
16:05
Speaker 1: of anxiety. Okay, And you're talking about you know, you
16:09
Speaker 1: feel like you have to prove yourself. You feel like
16:12
Speaker 1: you know your relationships are good, but you struggle in
16:14
Speaker 1: group settings. You said that you've developed social anxiety and
16:19
Speaker 1: you're avoiding situations because you're worried of how you're coming across.
16:22
Speaker 1: To me, this is a hyper awareness and it has
16:24
Speaker 1: to do with anxiety. So I would look at different
16:29
Speaker 1: tools to deal with what you're going through instead of
16:32
Speaker 1: looking at the ego, I would look at different kinds
16:35
Speaker 1: of anxiety and what that could mean about yourself. I
16:37
Speaker 1: think you're you're over analyzing yourself a lot. So the
16:42
Speaker 1: exercises that you need to be doing is And not
16:45
Speaker 1: to say that iahasca wouldn't help or a psychedelic experience
16:47
Speaker 1: wouldn't help, because those experiences do help with many things,
16:51
Speaker 1: not just the ego. They help with all kinds of
16:53
Speaker 1: things that you know, rewiring of the brain and stuff.
16:55
Speaker 1: It's quite fascinating the kind of the studies that are
16:58
Speaker 1: going on around those things. But that's not and you
17:00
Speaker 1: want to go down and this and ann and a
17:01
Speaker 1: lot of people don't want to go down and fair enough,
17:05
Speaker 1: So I think what Number one, I would look into
17:08
Speaker 1: more different kinds of anxiety. Number two, I would look
17:11
Speaker 1: at different kinds of cognitive behavior therapy to help you
17:14
Speaker 1: tackle the main like touch points of the things that
17:20
Speaker 1: are affecting you the most. So is it work? And
17:22
Speaker 1: is it social situations the most? Like pick the top two.
17:26
Speaker 1: I would say that you want to target, then you
17:28
Speaker 1: can target the other things. But if you're trying to
17:30
Speaker 1: target every thought, left, right, and center, it gets a
17:32
Speaker 1: little bit overwhelming. But I would say maybe at work,
17:34
Speaker 1: you know, you're always trying to prove yourself. You're in
17:36
Speaker 1: a male dominated fields and that, so what is it?
17:38
Speaker 1: Is it about your abilities? What are you trying, what
17:40
Speaker 1: are you feeling around your abilities? And and I will
17:43
Speaker 1: talk about in social settings as well. Go listen to
17:46
Speaker 1: my episode on social anxiety. That will help you a
17:49
Speaker 1: lot and it gives you actual step by step things
17:52
Speaker 1: that you can do around social anxiety to kind of
17:54
Speaker 1: ease you into feeling a bit better. If you feel
17:57
Speaker 1: that it's absolutely getting worse and worse, if it's something
18:00
Speaker 1: that stayed stagnant the whole time, this is probably something
18:03
Speaker 1: that you can try and manage on your own at
18:05
Speaker 1: the beginning. But if you're like, no, no, no, every
18:07
Speaker 1: few months, I notice it's getting worse and worse and
18:09
Speaker 1: worse and worse, then this is something that if you
18:11
Speaker 1: have the resources to do so, I would definitely go
18:13
Speaker 1: and speak to a therapist to give you a bit
18:15
Speaker 1: of like a plan to move forward with it. Because
18:19
Speaker 1: when it comes to things, especially around anxiety, and when
18:22
Speaker 1: it starts to affect your relationships number one and possibly
18:26
Speaker 1: your work, this is something that if you're noticing it
18:29
Speaker 1: go downhill, the sooner you can nip it in the bud,
18:33
Speaker 1: the easier it's going to be to make changes. So
18:36
Speaker 1: it's not something that you think, oh well, maybe if
18:38
Speaker 1: this changes. Maybe if that's changes, you want to take
18:40
Speaker 1: the rein straight away. It's kind of like if you
18:42
Speaker 1: have like a health scare, you think, oh shit, I've
18:44
Speaker 1: got to start eating better. Maybe I need to start moving,
18:46
Speaker 1: I need to have less of the sedentary lifestyle. I
18:47
Speaker 1: need to do this. When we look at things around anxiety,
18:50
Speaker 1: this is a really good, good like warning sign being like, hey,
18:54
Speaker 1: we need to do something about this. Let's intercept let's
18:57
Speaker 1: change how we think about these things. Let's take on
18:59
Speaker 1: cognitive behavior with the therapy. I'm unable to give you
19:01
Speaker 1: the overall advice just in a listener question, but that
19:05
Speaker 1: would be my advice to you in a nutshell, would
19:07
Speaker 1: be to look at cognitive behavior therapy how you reframing
19:10
Speaker 1: thoughts that come your way. CBT is one of the best,
19:15
Speaker 1: one of the best things for anxious thoughts, even even
19:20
Speaker 1: before you even have to go into the medication route
19:22
Speaker 1: at all, Cognitive behavior therapy can get you very, very,
19:24
Speaker 1: very far when it comes to these like anxious thoughts
19:26
Speaker 1: around like your position at work and your relationships and
19:29
Speaker 1: social anxiety. So that would be my number one advice
19:31
Speaker 1: is to look into something like that. So hopefully that
19:33
Speaker 1: was helpful. I know I couldn't give you the answer
19:35
Speaker 1: straight away, but I'm hoping that it's helped you kind
19:39
Speaker 1: of look at what you're experiencing in a different light. Okay,
19:45
Speaker 1: last question. This one is called is Chasing change Always
19:49
Speaker 1: worth It? I love this question because I'm all for
19:52
Speaker 1: chasing change. Since Hi, Alexis, I've listened to your podcast
19:59
Speaker 1: for five years now, and it's helped me grow into
20:00
Speaker 1: a strong, powerful woman. Through your podcast, I've navigated tough breakups,
20:05
Speaker 1: rebuilding my self esteem, and even healing from narcissistic abuse.
20:10
Speaker 1: Through your podcast, I've grown into a woman I'm so
20:13
Speaker 1: proud to be. I love that and have built a
20:15
Speaker 1: life that I love, which leads to my next question,
20:18
Speaker 1: is Chasing change always worth it? I'm from the US
20:21
Speaker 1: and I've been dating someone from Portugal for about two
20:24
Speaker 1: years now. Our jobs allow us to travel to visit
20:27
Speaker 1: each other during our off seasons, which fall during opposite
20:30
Speaker 1: times of the year. My schedule allows me to visit
20:32
Speaker 1: him for a week in the spring and about a
20:34
Speaker 1: month in the summer. He's able to visit for about
20:36
Speaker 1: two weeks in the fall and two weeks in the winter.
20:38
Speaker 1: He's starting university this fall and will be enrolled for
20:41
Speaker 1: the next three years. We've talked about me coming to
20:44
Speaker 1: live with him while he's in his program, and then
20:46
Speaker 1: most likely moving to the US after that. I'm extremely
20:49
Speaker 1: close with my friend group, I have a solid job,
20:51
Speaker 1: my family is currently close to me, and I have
20:54
Speaker 1: extremely close relationship with my siblings and an apartment I love.
20:58
Speaker 1: There is nothing that I want to change about my life.
21:00
Speaker 1: I'm here in Portugal for the rest of the summer
21:02
Speaker 1: and only find myself being stressed about an upcoming move. However,
21:06
Speaker 1: my friend's family and therapist have all told me that
21:08
Speaker 1: I need to think about myself and not depend on others.
21:11
Speaker 1: My mom has also definitely pressured me to never move away,
21:14
Speaker 1: and I feel like my family will never visit me
21:16
Speaker 1: if I move. My biggest fear is that I will
21:18
Speaker 1: damage my life and relationships if I were to leave.
21:21
Speaker 1: My mind is telling me to stay at home where
21:22
Speaker 1: I'm safe and comfortable and happy. My gut is repeating
21:25
Speaker 1: to me, chase change, don't let change chase you. I
21:27
Speaker 1: think it would be a good growth experience for me
21:29
Speaker 1: to try, and I'm reminding myself I can always change
21:33
Speaker 1: things to make myself happier. I've never lived in a
21:36
Speaker 1: different city, and I think it's something I need to
21:38
Speaker 1: do at some point in my life. It's hard for
21:40
Speaker 1: me to imagine living a life I really like for
21:42
Speaker 1: an unknown and, quite honestly, sorry, it's hard for me
21:47
Speaker 1: to imagine leaving a life I really like for an
21:50
Speaker 1: unknown and quite honestly, something that just makes me scared,
21:53
Speaker 1: not super excited to pursue. Thank you for taking the
21:56
Speaker 1: time to even read this and for your advice. Okay,
22:00
Speaker 1: I think if the thought of the change that you're
22:02
Speaker 1: chasing makes you feel extremely uncomfortable and you don't like it,
22:05
Speaker 1: then absolutely not like you absolutely don't have to chase change.
22:09
Speaker 1: When I talk about chasing change, it's not saying, well,
22:11
Speaker 1: the next opportunity that presents itself you absolutely need to follow.
22:14
Speaker 1: It's more so when you've got this thing inside you
22:17
Speaker 1: that thinks, God, I really should do that. I really
22:19
Speaker 1: want to do that. But then you're getting pulled to well,
22:22
Speaker 1: this is the safest bet. I need to protect my safety.
22:24
Speaker 1: I need to protect the security that I already have.
22:27
Speaker 1: When I talk about chasing change, what I lean towards
22:30
Speaker 1: more so is that this security that we are focusing
22:33
Speaker 1: so heavily on won't always be the same. So if
22:36
Speaker 1: you've got this burning desire to do something, and the
22:39
Speaker 1: only reason you don't pursue that burning desire is because
22:41
Speaker 1: you're like, well, I've got all this security. You can't
22:44
Speaker 1: always bank on security because things change around you all
22:46
Speaker 1: the time. People are gonna dump you, people are gonna
22:48
Speaker 1: fire you. Shit's gonna happen. And it's not saying, oh well,
22:51
Speaker 1: because people are gonna dump me, I can't. It's saying,
22:53
Speaker 1: lean into everything. But if there's something that's a burning desire,
22:56
Speaker 1: you also should go ahead and do that thing. Because
22:58
Speaker 1: life is not a given right. Things aren't guaranteed. So
23:03
Speaker 1: if you can create some sort of momentum for yourself
23:06
Speaker 1: and change where the desire is there, you should do it.
23:09
Speaker 1: That's what I talk about when I'm talking about chasing change,
23:12
Speaker 1: like allow yourself to just be. Don't ever feel bad
23:14
Speaker 1: that you gave up something that was stable, because stable
23:18
Speaker 1: things become instability all the time in life. That is
23:22
Speaker 1: kind of the crux of when I talk about chase change.
23:25
Speaker 1: Don't let change chase you. So if you're feeling like, oh, well,
23:30
Speaker 1: there was a suggestion that I should move here. But
23:31
Speaker 1: it's like the last thing that I want to do
23:33
Speaker 1: on Earth. Don't do it, Okay, you don't want to
23:36
Speaker 1: like drag yourself to do something. However, and also you're
23:40
Speaker 1: saying that you love where you live, you love having
23:43
Speaker 1: your friends, you have a great life where you are,
23:45
Speaker 1: You love having your family nearby. You love love love
23:47
Speaker 1: love love loah blah love love. Then no, you shouldn't
23:49
Speaker 1: have to move if you're if you've created a life
23:52
Speaker 1: that you're thrilled with, you absolutely shouldn't have to move.
23:55
Speaker 1: You don't have to up and go because you need
23:56
Speaker 1: to be chasing change. No, you can find adventure and
23:59
Speaker 1: other things in your life. I think adventure is a
24:02
Speaker 1: human need. It's not just a one, it's a need.
24:04
Speaker 1: But adventure can be found in many different things. You
24:06
Speaker 1: never even have to leave your city to create adventure
24:08
Speaker 1: in your life. You could start going for like my
24:11
Speaker 1: assistant Shanaia started going for these crazy hikes every Sunday,
24:14
Speaker 1: and she is like a fucking professional hiker. Now, well
24:19
Speaker 1: by my standards, she's like going to all these crazy heiks.
24:22
Speaker 1: She's going to be doing Kilimanjaro or something like. It's
24:25
Speaker 1: just full on okay, and that's like, that's I mean,
24:28
Speaker 1: she also troubles overseas, but I'm like, that's adventure she's started.
24:31
Speaker 1: She's like, well, I'm starting this thing, and I found advent.
24:34
Speaker 1: So you can find adventure in the city that you
24:37
Speaker 1: live in, in the country that you live in. It doesn't
24:38
Speaker 1: have to be going overseas. You Also, though I did
24:41
Speaker 1: mention that your mom has made it clear that this
24:45
Speaker 1: and that and that your family would never come visit you.
24:47
Speaker 1: I want you to pull these things apart. Is the
24:50
Speaker 1: fact that your mom has made it clear that you
24:52
Speaker 1: know she doesn't want you to leave. Well, most parents
24:54
Speaker 1: don't want you to leave because they're going to miss you.
24:56
Speaker 1: The family might never visit you. Is that just in isolation,
24:59
Speaker 1: in dependent of the fact that you don't want to leave,
25:02
Speaker 1: or is it one of the reasons why you don't
25:04
Speaker 1: want to leave, if that makes sense. Are they just
25:06
Speaker 1: two things that exist side by side. Or is the
25:08
Speaker 1: fact that they will never visit you and the fact
25:10
Speaker 1: that your mum really doesn't want you to leave influencing
25:12
Speaker 1: your decision to want to stay. Take a look at that.
25:15
Speaker 1: And then the next thing you want to ask yourself
25:17
Speaker 1: is if I did go. Firstly, you don't have to
25:20
Speaker 1: go for the three years. You could go in one
25:23
Speaker 1: year for one year, and then come back for a
25:25
Speaker 1: year and then he moved to you. That's another possibility.
25:29
Speaker 1: If part of few is like, oh, well, you know,
25:31
Speaker 1: I would like to move overseas and I would like
25:33
Speaker 1: to try it, and I would this, and I would that.
25:36
Speaker 1: If it's deep down a desire to scratch that itch,
25:39
Speaker 1: of course I would recommend you scratch that itch. But
25:41
Speaker 1: it really is coming across like you just don't want
25:43
Speaker 1: to go, And if you don't want to go, then
25:46
Speaker 1: I would keep it at the cadence that it's at,
25:49
Speaker 1: you know, because you also don't want to go there
25:50
Speaker 1: being like, oh, I missed my home. I'm miserable here.
25:52
Speaker 1: I've like quit my job and I've wasted all this
25:54
Speaker 1: money and I don't want to be here and I
25:56
Speaker 1: don't want to live another You're just going to be miserable.
25:59
Speaker 1: Part if you has to, you know what I mean,
26:01
Speaker 1: Like if you go there being miserable, the likelihood if
26:03
Speaker 1: you really absorbing that experience and having this cultural experience
26:06
Speaker 1: that you're gonna look back on for the rest of
26:08
Speaker 1: your life, being like I'm so glad I did that,
26:09
Speaker 1: you're gonna hate it. So you have to have a
26:12
Speaker 1: part of you that actually has some interest somewhat in
26:15
Speaker 1: doing it. You can't just want to do it because
26:17
Speaker 1: you're like, maybe I should do it because maybe other
26:20
Speaker 1: people do it and they think it's a good idea.
26:22
Speaker 1: When it comes to changing and changing, it's sometimes it's
26:25
Speaker 1: not worth it if you don't want to do it,
26:26
Speaker 1: if it's not in you. Would I do it, of
26:28
Speaker 1: course I would do it, but that's different. Also, how
26:31
Speaker 1: permanent is it? Like I personally, I'm super close with
26:35
Speaker 1: my family, super close with my friends. I love every
26:37
Speaker 1: aspect about my life here in Sydney. I see myself,
26:40
Speaker 1: you know, living in Sydney or Australia for the rest
26:42
Speaker 1: of my life. But I also would probably still have
26:45
Speaker 1: one or two years living overseas up my sleeve. For sure.
26:47
Speaker 1: I'd love to live in Spain for a year with
26:50
Speaker 1: the kids in Tyrone, obviously, and you know, like that
26:52
Speaker 1: would shake up my normality. But there's there's things that
26:55
Speaker 1: I'd still love to do. But it's still me seeing
26:59
Speaker 1: myself as this bear my permanent base for the rest
27:01
Speaker 1: of my life. So you could look at it that
27:02
Speaker 1: way as well. You could also change your perspective and
27:05
Speaker 1: be like, what if I was to remind myself that
27:08
Speaker 1: this is my base, this is my forever home, and
27:10
Speaker 1: I'm just going for a six month to one year adventure.
27:13
Speaker 1: You don't have to go for the three years. Well
27:15
Speaker 1: maybe you do, I don't know. But if you can
27:17
Speaker 1: find an aspect of you that can get excited about
27:20
Speaker 1: going to Portugal, then I would explore that. But if
27:23
Speaker 1: no part of you is excited, you absolutely don't want
27:25
Speaker 1: to do it, you don't have to do it. It's
27:27
Speaker 1: basically what I'm saying. If you think it's not going
27:29
Speaker 1: to be a good existence, then don't go. I mean, personally,
27:32
Speaker 1: Portugal sounds like a fucking vibe and I would love
27:34
Speaker 1: to go to Portugal. But each to their own, and
27:37
Speaker 1: you have to listen to your instincts. Okay, so hopefully
27:42
Speaker 1: you can. Yeah, because you said, my gut is repeating,
27:44
Speaker 1: Chase changed, don't change, Chase you, but and it would,
27:48
Speaker 1: And you said, and I think it'll be a good
27:49
Speaker 1: growth experience. It's absolutely going to be a good growth experience.
27:53
Speaker 1: But only you can decide if it's something that you
27:55
Speaker 1: need in your life or something that's going to be beneficial.
27:58
Speaker 1: If the thought of it is just fuck and I
28:00
Speaker 1: don't want to do that, then yours shouldn't be forcing
28:03
Speaker 1: yourself to do things just because other people are telling
28:05
Speaker 1: you to do it. You have to listen to yourself.
28:06
Speaker 1: You know best, You know yourself more than anyone else
28:09
Speaker 1: knows you. Hopefully that helped. I know I didn't give
28:13
Speaker 1: you a straight up answer, but yeah, don't feel the
28:14
Speaker 1: pressure to do it. Just listen deep down and remind
28:18
Speaker 1: yourself nothing's permanent, including if I were to go or
28:21
Speaker 1: if I were to stay. All Right, that is ah
28:25
Speaker 1: for the episode of today. Thank you so much for
28:26
Speaker 1: tuning into today's head Noise episode. If you do want
28:28
Speaker 1: to send in a listener question, you can email info
28:31
Speaker 1: at dyfmpod dot com or you can send in a
28:33
Speaker 1: voice note to www dot dyfmpod dot com. Did I
28:39
Speaker 1: say that right? Info at DFMBL dot com. Yeah, I did, amazing,
28:43
Speaker 1: And there's like a little thing that you can like
28:45
Speaker 1: submit your voice message and if you go to the
28:46
Speaker 1: drop down menu, send your voice note in stunning. That
28:50
Speaker 1: is off for today. Love you guys so much. Thank
28:51
Speaker 1: you for sending in your questions and as always remember
28:54
Speaker 1: becon't to yourself, you can't to your bream, don't take
28:56
Speaker 1: ship from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself.
28:59
Speaker 1: Dunker