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Why life feels meaningless for idealists (INFP-INFJ-ENFP-ENFJ) · Lightbearer's Library

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, dear soul, and welcome to the Light Bears Library.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Kate Harmony.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: In today's journal entry, we're going to talk about why idealists without an ideal are miserable.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this comes from my own experience because both my husband and I are sort of within the idealist temperament.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, let's talk about this a little bit.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I like to use the MBTI framework for personality.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: And there's sort of four temperaments that are looked at within this system.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: That was kind of added by Kiersey.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's neither here nor there.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: But there are four different temperaments.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: So 16 types divided into four temperaments.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: You get four types in each of those.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: So within the idealist temperament, and there's different names for this, sort of like the dreamers, the idealists, the catalysts.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's the NF types.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: So the ENFJ, INFJ, the ENFP, and the INFP.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: So we are sort of hardwired to towards meaning, authenticity, and human potential, right?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: We see all these things and with our intuition and we have sort of this forward vision of how we can make things better.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now, um, the reason why I started thinking about this was actually because John over at Redemptive Psych YouTube channel, he commented on a video where I was talking about our kind of grieving how we grieve our, you know, being disappointed in in having ideals, and then we get disappointed in when they don't turn out the way that we we hoped or we wanted them to.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so he said, um he said, many accuse us idealists of being disappointed.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: John is an INFJ, so um, as if it was a disease.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: And he says, as I learn more about their perspective, other people's perspective of why, you know, why we're always so disappointed.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: He says, I see that they don't understand what we are seeking, that we can work tirelessly toward trying to make things better, quote unquote, and how many obstacles fall into that path.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And when he shared this, I was like, wow, that's that's a fascinating thing.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: It immediately made me think of how perhaps idealism is like there's two sides of the same coin: idealism on one side and disappointment on the other.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we have these ideals, and when we can't make them happen and we can't make that thing better, it can lead to disappointment.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: So I think it kind of made me think like maybe, you know, you know, like we need to keep the coin spinning, you know, like to we we can have those, those maybe quick disappointments.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: But if the call if the the if the coin falls on on like we're disappointment and it stays on disappointment, then our life kind of just dissolves into sort of existentialism and whatever, because we're built to have an ideal, to be moving towards that in our life.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so when we don't have that, we we fall into depression and despair, and it's not good, right?
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: If you've been there, you've been there.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're in it, I again totally, you know, we're my husband and I are working through that too, because I'm an INFP and my husband is an INFJ.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: And when we met about um, I don't know, now it's 12 11 years ago, when we met, we met over music.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: I went to him for uh guitar lessons, and it turned into a heck of a lot more than just guitar lessons.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: So um, but we had this vision and this dream of of sort of saving music.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: He spent his whole life playing in playing music, making music, writing music, teaching music, and music was his life.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so we set out on this idealistic vision of saving music because it just we saw the the the the um what is it?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: The the technicality of music just declining and popular music to be specific.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, he spent his life learning all about music theory of classical music, of progressive metal music, and so he wanted to teach people how to to learn the theory, the language.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: People hear theory and they're like, ah, it's like no, no, no, we're talking about language, just teaching people the language of music so that they could express themselves intelligently, you know, as opposed to speaking baby talk, which is a lot of what music is.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we wanted to help people gain the skills to to speak intelligently through the language of music.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: That was our vision, that was our ideal.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: But over the years, it's like it's kind of become clear that nobody wants that really.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: And and and it just kind of fell into a state of dip disappointment, depression, especially with AI coming in.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just like kind of feeling like I give up on that, on that vision.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody wants that, you know, as they say about the prophets, right?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody wants, nobody wants what the prophets are saying.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, if we did this, then it would be better.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, no, don't want that.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, so and then with the state of the world, it just, it just all fell into a bit of INFJ existentialism on his part.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: So when that fell apart for him and his dream of of being a musician and being respected in in the field, it it all it all it all just fell apart.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: So we were kind of left both without an ideal.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: All to say, all that story to say, we were both left without an ideal.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And what happened is that for me, I was like, I I needed I need an ideal in order to when that fell away, I fell into depression, despair.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: I I I just didn't know what to do with myself.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: So I came up with a great idea of leaving the West Coast and moving to cold, snowy Alberta um in Canada that has winter for most of the year.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's an exaggeration, but it's you know, it's not far from the truth, um, depending on where you live in Alberta.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: But um, anyway, um so to be an ant, because I was like, I'm gonna be the best ant ever.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, but placing our ideals that that have specific people in mind, that doesn't work because if they're not on board or it doesn't work out, then our ideals kind of get smashed to pieces.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: I've learned that I will not be doing that again.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, that was painful and that didn't work out.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: So when that didn't work out, I was like, okay, what can I do next?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, well, I'm gonna crochet toys, and that's gonna be such a you know, handmade toys for little children.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's such a wonderful, like the future of children, and uh anyway, it's a grand, it's a grand vision, it's beautiful, and it just wasn't for me as an INFP because I didn't realize till later that I was an INFP, and it's like I need it needs to be people-centered, people focused.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: And um, so it took me another little while to figure out that what I actually needed to do was light bears library.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's where I came to.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: This is my ideal, is is is harmonizing, clarifying.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now, these two words, um, Dario Nardi and Um Linda Barrens came up with two words that exemplified the the the each each type.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: So each of the 16 types has two words.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: And one is something that's more internal to each type and that internally they feel is what they do.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's the second word is what the external world sees them doing in the external world.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I will share these words with you in case you haven't heard them, um, because it's kind of helpful for when we're actually oh, just hang on, because what I wanted to say is that this is where I'm at, is that we're built, we are built by nature to be idealists.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so when we do not have an ideal, we are miserable, we are depressed, we are we're just it doesn't work.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, we can have work that is somewhat aligned with us, but we you know, and we can have things on the side that we do, you know, volunteering at a at a shelter or uh, you know, whatever it is that that fulfill that meaning and that ideal of building a better world.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if we don't have that, then you know, we need to get one as soon as possible.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: So if you have found yourself to be disappointed in some ideal that didn't come to fruition, and I think with my husband's, it's because it was like a lifelong ideal, a lifelong vision.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's taken many years to he's still not there.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: He's still not figured out how to find a new, a new ideal and a new vision.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what we're working on in our house household.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm happy that I've found one for me, and that at least helps him as an INFJ with his FE to go, okay.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, at least she's at least she's happy and doing something that's meaningful.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: So that helps him with his with his FE.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: But um, you know, so yes.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the thing.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I will go through these two words, and you can kind of see how that rings for you if you know your MBTI type.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah, it it helped me.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: It really helped me to understand what type of ideal I needed to aim towards.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: So let's start with um ENFJs are the envisioner mentors.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: So again, internally they see themselves as envisioners, and externally they're seen as the mentors.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: And this can look all sorts of different ways, right?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the ENFP is the discoverer advocates.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: The INFJ is the foreseer developer, so that foreseeing is that NI function, right?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Just seeing the foreseeing the future long into the distance and then developing something for that vision.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: And then the INFP is the harmonizer clarifier.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I love this because for me it it really made sense of my whole life.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh, yeah, I totally do that, you know.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: And and so it's it's it's it's when I talk, that's what's happening for me, is I'm I'm there's there's a harmonizing of everything that's coming in and a clarifying going out almost.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um but yeah, that so the point of this is all to say that if you do not have an ideal and you're feeling down as an as an idealist, please find something, no matter how small it is, it can be so small, but the I and and like you know, within your local community, that's like I'm going to go and help make this better in my community, you know, um, because when we don't have that, we're not fully alive and we're not fully living.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I've heard from many of you saying, you know, the world is so dark and chaotic and overwhelming, and I feel, you know, like I want to help, but I don't know how.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, okay, so we need to figure that out that how, because that's really, really important.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it can just be so small.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: So um, yeah, let me know how this, how this rings true for you in your own life as as one of these these four types or as an idealist, because I think this is this is the key.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm thinking more about this.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: My husband and I were just talking about optimism versus pessimism, and you know, I think those two are intertwined and and linked.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a bit more to untangle about, you know, it's not necessarily about being like optimistic as an idealist and what is a good ideal.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like I think idealism should be more intrinsically focused on on as opposed to outcomes.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: When we're looking for specific outcomes, well, out there in the real world, they don't always happen the way that we want them to.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: So then that kind of leads again to to being disappointed.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm I'll I'm gonna think more on this, but this is just a clarion call to say, we need to get ideals.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: We need to get ideals so that we are not like depressed.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, let me know how that feels to you.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Reflect on on your life and the times where you felt the most full, the most alive, and what it was that you were you were thinking and feeling at that time.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: I know for me, like I just think back to the times I was most alive.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: I was I was engaged in making things better, you know, whether it was volunteering for organizations.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, here's a funny thing.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: When I was little, when I was little, I was like, why can't I just grow up to be a volunteer?
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why do I have to have a job?
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that doesn't make sense to me.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, should just be able to volunteer for all these things that I feel so passionate about.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: I still feel that way.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: But so think back on the times where you were, you know, enthused about life.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: And those were probably the times when you were engaged in ideals, in in making, trying to work towards making something better.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to figure out somehow, some way, it's a necessary need for us, like breathing air and drinking water.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so yes, let's let's let's cheer each other on to find that ideal.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah, please give this a thumbs up if this was helpful to you.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you found, if you've if you have some ideas on on this topic, I would love to hear them.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: So please do comment and um subscribe to the Light Bearers Library.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to have you here.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, I'll leave that there for now.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Signing off for today, XOXO Kate.