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Calming Together: Co-regulation for Avoidant Attachment · Trauma Free Relationship

0:03
Do you find yourself shutting down when you feel anxious?
0:07
Do you tend to hesitate saying anything to your partner for
0:11
fear of making arguments worse? Do you need time to think things
0:17
through before responding? If so, you might fall into the
0:21
more avoidant style of attachment now.
0:25
This style is a learned response from unmet needs and it's your
0:30
body's way of protecting you and protecting the relationship in
0:35
times of disconnection. But there is one serious
0:39
drawback to avoid an attachment style, and that is learning to
0:43
Co regulate. And that's what we're going to
0:46
talk about today. So by the end of this episode,
0:50
you're going to be able to define avoidant attachment
0:52
style, understand where it comes from.
0:56
You're going to know its strengths as well as some of its
0:59
limitations, as well as effective ways to begin Co
1:04
regulating. Welcome to trauma free
1:07
relationship. I'm your host, Tom Phillip, and
1:09
I've been working for years with adults who struggle with
1:12
relational trauma to regain trust in themselves and others
1:17
so that they can experience a safe and secure relationship.
1:21
Let's get started. OK.
1:30
As I mentioned at the opening, we're going to talk to Bay today
1:34
about Co regulating and this really is one of the limitations
1:40
or the more developmental opportunities for the avoided
1:45
attachment style partner or the partner that tends to shut down,
1:50
that tends to get quiet, that tends to pull away.
1:54
We we've all seen that probably in some form or fashion in one
1:58
of our relationships. That might be you or that might
2:03
be somebody you're in a relationship with.
2:05
And so if it is, I think this episode is still really
2:09
important because you're going to learn more of what goes on
2:12
inside of them. You're going to understand more
2:14
of what they might be feeling and that might be able to help
2:18
you help them in these moments. So I think there's great benefit
2:24
and hearing this episode if you're in a relationship with a
2:27
partner that tends to be more avoidant in their style or
2:31
certainly if this tends to be more your style.
2:35
So when we talk about avoidant attachment style, what exactly
2:39
does that mean? Well, it people that tend to be
2:41
more avoidant and there's taught style of attachment means that
2:45
they have a high value on independence.
2:49
They tend to have discomfort with emotional closeness, and
2:55
they tend to withdraw under stress or disconnection in the
2:59
relationship. So what this means is they tend
3:03
to often shut down. They might minimize their
3:06
feelings, or they might detach either physically or
3:11
emotionally. In moments of stress, when
3:14
things are good, when they feel like they're getting their needs
3:17
met, this style doesn't show up. So you might see your partner in
3:22
when things are good, fully engaged, very validating and
3:27
empathic towards you, that sort of thing.
3:29
But the moment there becomes some stress or it feels like
3:34
there is disconnection in the relationship, then their body
3:39
moves into the protective style, which is the avoidant style.
3:43
That's all this is, is the avoidance style is their body's
3:47
way of saying, I don't want to make this worse.
3:50
I feel like I'm going to re experience what created this in
3:55
the past. And as a result, this is what I
3:58
know to do to protect the relationship, to preserve the
4:02
relationship, as well as to protect and preserve myself.
4:08
And so they tend to shut down, they tend to minimize emotions.
4:12
They tend to need time to think things through.
4:15
They, they can be emotionally distant, which obviously can
4:19
create tension in the relationship, right?
4:22
And obviously can create misunderstandings as well as
4:25
some unintentional hurt because to the partner, this looks like
4:30
somebody who's cold, uncaring, unempathic, emotionally
4:37
unavailable and unresponsive. And so the message that it sends
4:42
to the partner when the more avoidance style person begins to
4:47
shut down is you're not worth saying, staying emotionally
4:51
engaged, you're not important enough to listen to.
4:55
Your feelings don't matter. This is the kind of message that
5:00
that style sends. Now remember, communication can
5:04
be verbal or nonverbal. We're never not communicating
5:09
with our partner. So even if we sit there and say
5:12
nothing, that is a form of communication.
5:16
It's nonverbal, you're not saying anything, but it's still
5:19
communicating. So our protective strategies,
5:22
our survival strategies communicate something to our
5:26
partner. They communicate something to
5:28
our friends, our family, our neighbors, anybody we're in
5:32
contact with. Our protective strategies
5:36
communicate something to them. And so for those with a more
5:40
avoidance style of attachment, they tend to value their
5:43
independence, which means that if there's disconnection in the
5:46
relationship, they can quite easily begin to feel overwhelmed
5:51
and they can quite easily begin to feel smothered or suffocated
5:56
by the emotion of their partner or the criticism or the blame or
6:01
the critique or whatever it might be coming at them.
6:05
And as a result, this is what they know to do to stay safe.
6:11
So that's a little bit about what it looks like.
6:14
If you're new to attachment theory, if you're not sure, then
6:19
that explanation of what it looks like in a relationship
6:22
might resonate with you a little bit.
6:24
You might be able to look at that and go, Oh yeah, I'd so
6:26
see, my partner does that. That makes sense to me.
6:30
They kind of put up this wall. They shut me out.
6:33
They don't really sit with my emotions.
6:35
No matter what they are. They can't listen to me.
6:39
They they won't my bids for connection, they reject and they
6:43
move further away from these moments are really frustrating
6:47
for me because no matter what I do, I can't seem to reconnect
6:50
with my partner. Or you might recognize, Oh yeah,
6:54
that's totally me. When, when there's disconnection
6:56
in a relationship, I immediately kind of go numb.
6:59
I immediately kind of check out. I'm, I'm scared to say anything
7:03
because I don't want to make things worse.
7:06
I'm afraid if I do, it'll be the wrong thing because that's what
7:09
our cycle has taught me that no matter what I say, it's wrong.
7:13
And so it's just best if I just go quiet and don't say anything.
7:16
It's not going to matter anyway because it's just going to be
7:19
wrong. So those might be some of the
7:22
things that you resonate with, maybe not all of them, but some
7:25
of them might, might resonate with you.
7:29
And so obviously this leads to the next question.
7:32
Well, if this is the way I am in my adult relationships, how did
7:35
I get this way? What might have caused me to be
7:39
this way? And so a couple of things could
7:42
have happened. 1 is you could have had some experiences
7:47
because this is relational learning.
7:49
This is not biology. We don't come out of the womb
7:53
afraid to communicate, afraid to express our feelings, afraid of
7:58
closeness and intimacy. That's not how we're born.
8:02
We're not traditionally wired that way.
8:04
So this is relational experiences that have taught you
8:09
how to be this way. And it doesn't necessarily have
8:12
to be in childhood. This might be have been
8:15
something that happened in late adolescence or early adulthood.
8:19
Maybe your first love whom you thought was going to be with you
8:23
forever and was completely devoted to you and you've never
8:27
felt that loved and accepted before in your life.
8:30
Maybe you found out that person cheated on you or cheated on you
8:34
with several other people and that devastated you and that
8:38
completely altered the way you feel about yourself and others
8:43
and it caused you to trust less and to not put yourself out
8:47
there more and to put up walls and be less vulnerable with
8:51
others. So this doesn't just have to be
8:54
in childhood. These experiences could have
8:57
been caused in early adulthood as well.
9:00
Maybe this is a first marriage you were in that was abusive
9:04
emotionally, physically, verbally.
9:07
Maybe this is a a first marriage where you had a partner that
9:11
just simply was so overwhelming and so emotional that it just
9:19
felt like constantly you were getting messages that you were
9:22
wrong and you were never going to get it right.
9:24
Maybe they had some mental health disorders themselves.
9:27
Who knows? But, but my point is, is that
9:30
it's not just in childhood that our nervous system learns to
9:34
adapt. And one of the ways it learns to
9:36
adapt is through avoiding closeness with others because
9:42
it's learned to associate closeness with danger.
9:46
Closeness no longer feels safe. It feels dangerous.
9:51
So, you know, the emotional unavailability of partners.
9:55
This could have been our parents growing up, or it could have
9:58
been our first marriage or our first love, something along
10:01
those lines. You know, the all of a sudden
10:04
they are just not emotionally available to us when we need.
10:08
And So what we've learned is that being vulnerable, putting
10:12
yourself out there is actually not going to get you anything.
10:17
It's going to leave you feeling more hurt, more confused, more
10:23
alone than not doing that. So to save yourself from that
10:29
small T trauma, if you will, is, is to avoid putting yourself out
10:34
there, avoid making yourself vulnerable.
10:38
Not only that, but somewhere along the line, either with our
10:41
parents or maybe early adolescence, early adulthood,
10:45
there was a minimization of needs.
10:48
So when you had a need, when you were hurting, distressed, upset,
10:53
and you reached out, not only was the person not emotionally
10:56
available, but it might have been responded to with
11:01
irritation or neglect or shame. Maybe you were told you don't
11:07
really feel this way. Just brush it off, you're fine.
11:11
Don't worry about it or toughen up or what the hell are you
11:15
worried about that for? Get over it, move on.
11:19
That person's not worth it, right?
11:21
So not only were they not emotionally available, but they
11:25
also were minimizing any needs that you carried along with
11:29
that, the need for comfort, care, soothing, and what we're
11:33
going to talk about in the moment, in a moment is Co
11:36
regulation. So you were not allowed to use
11:39
others as a reliable resource for regulation when you were
11:44
upset. As a result, there was an
11:47
overemphasis on independence. If anybody's going to come to my
11:51
aid, it's only going to be me. I am my secure base.
11:56
I am my own comfort. I am my own emotional
12:01
availability. Only I can do that for myself.
12:04
I cannot depend on others to do it.
12:07
These are actual phrases I've heard people that I've worked
12:11
with say to me. I am my own secure base.
12:15
I am my own comfort. I never feel safe in my body.
12:18
Only I can show up and soothe myself.
12:21
And so there is this over emphasis on independence.
12:25
And finally, it also creates a fear of rejection or
12:30
abandonment. So, you know, when this happens,
12:34
part of it means that I no longer can depend on others.
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And the fear, the trauma, the small T trauma that I hold
12:43
inside me that will not allow me to reach out to others is
12:47
because I know in my bones I'm going to be rejected or
12:51
abandoned. So I'm just not even going to go
12:54
there. So now we understand a little
12:57
bit about what might have created the more avoidant style
13:02
of attachment in our life. Why did we resort to this
13:06
particular style in the first place?
13:09
And so hopefully this sort of shines a little bit of a light
13:13
on maybe some of your experiences that you've went
13:16
through that could have, could have caused this problem.
13:22
So as you can see, there are really great things about avoid
13:28
an attachment style. One of the things that avoidance
13:31
do really well is they learn how to self soothe.
13:36
They are great self soothers. They can go away, they can sue
13:40
themselves, they can comfort themselves, they can deal with
13:43
things. And in their mind they can block
13:46
things out easily, compartmentalize things,
13:49
intellectualize things. They're really good at self
13:52
soothing. But one of their opportunities,
13:55
one of the things they really struggle with is how to reach
13:59
for others when they're hurting. And now they might say, well, I
14:03
don't hurt that often, but believe me, they do.
14:07
That's them minimizing their pain.
14:09
It's them minimizing their hurt. It's them minimizing their
14:13
feelings. And so they say, I'm, I'm, you
14:16
know, I really don't hurt very often or I don't, I don't need
14:19
to be vulnerable very often. And that's them minimizing that
14:22
somehow life is just a sunshine and rainbows.
14:26
And it's certainly not. We all know that and so one of
14:30
the things they really struggle with is how to reach out.
14:33
So when we talk about Co regulation, Co regulation is the
14:37
process of using connection with another person to help calm your
14:41
nervous system and to manage your emotions.
14:44
And so when we Co regulate, we turn towards others, somebody
14:49
stronger, wiser, that will comfort, soothe and care for us,
14:54
that will help regulate our emotions, that will help us be
14:57
able to create a coherent story about what's happening, why it's
15:02
happening and what it means for us.
15:04
These are all things that happened when we Co regulate,
15:09
when we have a reliable resource and some other person that we
15:13
know will be there for us. And this matters because
15:17
avoidant individuals often self soothe by withdrawing.
15:22
Whereas Co regulation teaches that connection can be a source
15:27
of safety, not threat. Remember I mentioned that
15:30
earlier. Co regulation simply means that
15:34
we can use others as a reliable resource of comfort and care.
15:40
And when that happens, then all of a sudden we now have another
15:45
tool and our tool belt to regulate our emotions.
15:48
Now all of a sudden, we don't have to carry that burden all by
15:52
ourselves. Now all of a sudden we've
15:55
expanded who we are and how we see ourselves.
16:00
And we don't just have a hammer in our toolbox.
16:03
Now we've got a screwdriver and a wrench, which means that we
16:07
can use not only our emotions, but others to help us learn how
16:12
to regulate ourselves, to help us learn to experience and
16:16
express our feelings so that we can actually use those feelings
16:21
to get our needs met. And we can use that valuable
16:25
information that our emotions provide.
16:29
And as a result, our nervous system then begins to expand.
16:34
And it doesn't go into fight or flight as often.
16:37
It doesn't get triggered as often and we actually feel more
16:41
safe in our own body. We feel more safe with closeness
16:45
and intimacy and we can begin to use others to regulate ourselves
16:51
in our relationships. So really important in being
16:56
able to learn how to Co regulate if we fall more into this style.
17:03
So how do we learn this? How how can we take some
17:06
meaningful steps to start to engage and learning to
17:11
coregulate. One of the first things we need
17:14
to do is just to be able to understand our nervous system
17:17
better. And so when do we begin to feel
17:21
tense? When do we begin to withdraw and
17:24
when do we begin to numb our emotions?
17:28
And all of these things show up in our body.
17:31
And so the more we are in touch with our body, the more we can
17:35
recognize that when our partner comes in and they have a look of
17:40
frustration on their face and you glance up and you see that
17:44
they're kind of frustrated with you.
17:46
And all of a sudden you have this tinge that that shows up in
17:50
your stomach that almost says, uh oh, here we go.
17:54
And then shortly after that, it just kind of goes cold and you
17:59
begin to lock down and you begin to lock in for whatever's about
18:03
to come. And so you start going to your
18:06
head and thinking, I don't know what it is.
18:09
I don't know what's happened, but this is not going to be
18:11
good. It's going to probably go right
18:14
back into our cycle, which means that no matter what I say, it's
18:17
not going to make a difference. No matter what I do, it's not
18:20
going to calm them down. I can't reach them when they're
18:22
in this place. And so here I go into my
18:25
survival strategy. And so being able to recognize
18:33
those bodily cues that show up for you and those very first few
18:39
seconds when your body says, uh oh, this isn't safe right now.
18:43
Connection is dangerous. So we better disconnect.
18:47
That's part of the strategy here for being able to learn how to
18:51
Co regulate better. So if you have a partner that
18:58
tends to shut down, here are some things that you can do to
19:01
help your partner. First, you want to come in as
19:05
regulated as possible yourself. If you if you have a partner, if
19:10
you're in a relationship with somebody who is more of the
19:12
avoidance style, chances are that you're more of the anxious
19:16
style of attachment. And that is because the most
19:19
common pairing in, in, in partners is somebody who tends
19:23
to be more avoidant and somebody who tends to be more anxious in
19:26
their style. That's in part why you were
19:28
attracted to each other because you want to borrow a little bit
19:32
of what each other has. And so don't don't think that
19:36
all we're just so incompatible. No, you're compatible because
19:40
you need each other, because together you make a better
19:43
whole. The sum of the parts are better
19:46
are are you know more than the whole.
19:49
And so that's a strength of the relationship.
19:53
And so if you find that you're in a relationship with an
19:55
avoidant partner, what can you do?
19:57
First of all, come sit down without pressure to talk.
20:02
Gottman talks about a slow start up, so come and start up in a
20:06
slow way. Hey, I want to talk to you about
20:10
something. Do you mind if we sit down and
20:13
we discuss something? Kind of hurt my feelings of the
20:15
day and I don't need you to fix it.
20:18
I don't need you to make it better, but I really do need you
20:22
to just listen. Would you be able to just listen
20:25
to me for a minute and kind of let me get all this out?
20:28
And it may come out kind of messy.
20:30
It may come out perfect because I'm just kind of still sorting
20:33
through it. And you know how I like to kind
20:35
of talk things through sometimes to feel better about it.
20:38
But if, if you're willing, I'd like to just talk to you about
20:40
it and share it with you because you're the one person that I
20:44
think could really make it better.
20:46
So how can you just sit and without any pressure start
20:50
talking to that individual? How can you reach out and hold
20:54
their hand or hold space for them to feel safe in what you're
21:00
saying so that they're less likely to shut down?
21:04
How can you slow things down and and literally talk at a slower
21:08
pace, drop your voice so it sounds more inviting and sounds
21:13
less contempt or critical or blaming?
21:18
So how can you guys kind of get In Sync with your bodies?
21:22
And then how can you, how can you use validating statements,
21:26
right? Hey, I know this is hard for you
21:29
when we do this, but I really think it's important for us to
21:32
be able to have these kinds of conversations because you mean
21:36
so much to me and you are so important to me.
21:39
And you do so many things that are right in this relationship.
21:43
And this is one of those things that I need at times, I need for
21:46
you to be able to just sit with my emotions.
21:49
But I know it's hard because I know your past relationships
21:53
have taught you it's not safe. And so I want to be able to make
21:56
this safe for you. And so at any time, if you feel
22:00
like I'm getting critical or I'm, you're starting to shut
22:03
down, can you just let me know because then I can make some
22:06
adjustments to make it safe for you.
22:09
And so being able to just validate that it's hard for
22:12
them, a validate how they feel, how they move into the
22:15
protection that you see it, you know it, you can understand
22:19
where that comes from and why it might show up in the
22:23
relationship at certain times. So that's some of the ways you
22:26
can really help your partner. Now switching back to the more
22:30
avoidant partner, another thing you need to be able to do is to
22:33
name your emotions and practice some grounding techniques.
22:37
So if you begin to recognize or feel it in your body, then you
22:42
need to be able to practice some grounding techniques.
22:45
You need to be able to say to yourself, this is uncomfortable
22:48
right now, but I can withstand this.
22:51
She might be upset or he might be upset, but it's not personal.
22:58
I can hear their feelings without taking it personally and
23:02
they just might not want. They might want me to just
23:05
listen and validate their feelings and I don't have to fix
23:09
it or solve it or take it away for them.
23:11
Just being emotionally present might be the tool that's needed
23:15
in this situation. Or naming your feelings.
23:19
What am I feeling right now? I'm feeling numb.
23:21
Uh oh I know what that means. I'm feeling really anxious, like
23:26
I'm getting ready to be attacked and told I'm at fault for
23:29
something or I'm getting ready to, you know, shut down.
23:34
And I can feel myself going to my head trying to figure out and
23:38
intellectualize what's happening here.
23:41
So being able to name these feelings, I'm feeling anxious or
23:46
you know what? Behind the anxiety, here comes
23:49
that feeling again. I feel like I'm not enough.
23:52
And man, every time I feel that, I move away from that feeling
23:55
because that's a vulnerable place for me.
23:58
I feel like I'm not enough for this person, like I'm constantly
24:02
getting wrong and that sense of shame makes me want to avoid it.
24:07
So I just don't allow myself to feel that.
24:09
So naming these emotions can be really important in being able
24:15
to allow yourself to show up. And if you do name those, then
24:19
what you can do is you can now begin to ground yourself.
24:24
Look around the room. Name 5 objects, name four colors
24:28
or vice versa. Slowly touch the the chair
24:32
you're sitting on and begin to feel the fabric or touch.
24:35
Touch your jeans or something if you're sitting, sitting down and
24:39
pull your attention towards what you're touching because that
24:43
might help ground you in the moment and it brings you back to
24:47
the here and now. So those things are really
24:50
important. If you find yourself being able
24:53
to to being able to stay emotionally engaged, then what
25:03
you need to do, if you can ground yourself and stay in the
25:06
moment, then what you need to be able to do is challenge yourself
25:11
to reach out. And if your partner's coming to
25:14
talk to you about something, it might sound like this.
25:18
I feel myself having that old feeling again where it feels
25:22
like you're getting ready to tell me I'm not good enough.
25:26
And I know when I begin to feel that, that I tend to move away
25:30
from that feeling and I tend to shut down or it feels like I
25:34
don't care. And I really care about you.
25:37
And I really want to feel like I'm getting things right.
25:40
That's why these conversations are so hard for me.
25:44
So as we go through this, what I really need from you is, is for
25:48
you to let me know that I've also done some things right so
25:52
that I can stay more emotionally engaged for you, that I can
25:56
actually be there for you in these times.
26:00
Or if you feel like you need to go talk to your partner about
26:04
something, they have an initiated the conversation.
26:07
It might sound like this. Hey, I've noticed that there's
26:10
kind of this pattern in our relationship where we have these
26:14
moments of disconnection and it really throws me into this place
26:18
where it feels like I'm not good enough, like my feelings don't
26:22
matter. And I know sometimes I try to
26:25
get into a place where I express my feelings.
26:29
I try to get into a place where I'm vulnerable.
26:31
And maybe because I'm not very good at it yet, maybe you don't
26:34
see that or recognize that's me trying to be vulnerable.
26:37
And what I feel like happens is that old pattern comes back, you
26:41
dismiss it or you make it about yourself or you start talking
26:44
about your feelings. And those times are really hard
26:48
for me because it teaches me and tells me once again that I'm
26:52
just not enough. I'm not getting it right, and my
26:55
feelings don't matter. And so I'm telling you this now
26:59
because I want us to maybe try to work together to identify
27:02
these moments. And I want to be able to be
27:04
better at telling you, hey, this is one of these moments where
27:08
I'm actually trying to be vulnerable with you.
27:10
And I don't want to be reinforced to say that that's
27:14
dangerous. I want you to be able to respond
27:17
to me in a way that helps me change this about myself because
27:20
I want to be able to come to you and open up and I want to be
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able to share with you and have you hear my feelings as well.
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So I hope that gives you an idea of some of the struggles of the
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more avoidant style of attachment and how they show up
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in your relationship. If you are that style more
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yourself or if you're in a relationship with this style of
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partner. Because it's really important to
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be able to learn how to use others as a reliable resource
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for comfort care and Co regulation.
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Thank you so much for listening. I'm Tom Phillip, and I'm here to
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remind you to stay grounded, clear, and connected.