Latest / Here's to You / 049 - Beach bummin' w/ Tianna Kelly

Transcript

049 - Beach bummin' w/ Tianna Kelly · Here's to You

• 0:00
  Here's to you. It's supported by One Life
• 0:02
  Spirits. One Life Spirits is built on
• 0:04
  purpose, culture, good people and good drinks so you can live
• 0:08
  one life to the fullest. That means shots that are
• 0:11
  smooth, tasteful, and pair perfectly with a lime.
• 0:14
  Or our favorite, in orange. Because if you're still chasing
• 0:17
  tequila with a lime, what are you doing?
• 0:20
  That orange slice brings out the bright citrus notes of Una Vida
• 0:24
  Blanco, which is smooth, authentic and tasteful.
• 0:27
  Like myself. Plus, Una Vida is 100% additive
• 0:31
  free, so you're enjoying tequila in its purest form without the
• 0:35
  hangover regret. Yeah, because it takes us three
• 0:38
  to five business days to recover now, and hang side is not my
• 0:41
  friend. That's why you should stick with
• 0:44
  una Vida or try cocktails instead of shots.
• 0:47
  OK, love a little. One Life Spirits also crafts El
• 0:50
  Drago High Post vodkas and LeBron whiskey all bold, smooth
• 0:54
  and made to share. Whether it's game night, date
• 0:56
  night or just Tuesday night, they've got the pores covered.
• 1:00
  Because it's not just about taste, but it's about that
• 1:02
  feeling. And we're proud spirits noms.
• 1:05
  So treat yourself. Visit onelifespirits.com, swing
• 1:09
  by the One Life Spirits bar inside of El Primo, or grab a
• 1:12
  bottle at your local liquor store.
• 1:14
  Cheers. OK, that's.
• 1:17
  Good to go. We're good to go.
• 1:51
  And welcome back to another episode of Here's to You the
• 1:54
  podcast, your favorite DIY podcast where we bring cool
• 2:00
  people to share their cool stories with you.
• 2:03
  Sitting next to me, as always, is the fantastic five milli blue
• 2:07
  haired Fanister McAllister. At least I'm trying.
• 2:16
  I'm tired of being sober. Aren't we all 'cause?
• 2:20
  I'm tired of not being sober. Oh, OK.
• 2:23
  Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 2:26
  Tired of feeling life. We need a not I'm kidding, I'm
• 2:32
  kidding. I'm going to stop being dark
• 2:34
  humor hopefully in the next one, but yes.
• 2:37
  Let everybody know who's sitting with us today.
• 2:39
  Yes, we have this really amazing creative powerhouse, community
• 2:45
  first mindset person who is fully expressive, fully open
• 2:49
  minded, is in business development, but also likes to
• 2:51
  curate very special soirees and events and it's trying to make
• 2:57
  sure that people know that Wichita is walkable.
• 3:01
  Shout out to Tiana for coming on I.
• 3:06
  Love that. Thank you.
• 3:07
  No, thank you for having me. I love talking.
• 3:10
  I talk to myself often, so it's great to have company.
• 3:13
  Yes, I love yapping. I'm a yapper.
• 3:15
  I'm a yapper, I love all my yap people.
• 3:18
  Yeah. They make you feel like you can
• 3:19
  yap. Yes, yeah, but you do yap to
• 3:22
  yourself a lot on TikTok. I mean, right.
• 3:24
  That's how I feel when I have to make stuff and like when no
• 3:27
  one's commenting or liking and I'm like, I'm just yapping the
• 3:30
  one myself. Just saying these thoughts out
• 3:33
  loud. Or what made you kind of start
• 3:35
  doing that? I felt uncomfortable looking at
• 3:41
  myself on the screen. And I was like, why?
• 3:43
  And I think it's because I truly cared how people were perceiving
• 3:46
  me. And I started to do it basically
• 3:48
  like kind of like exposure therapy, you know, like I don't,
• 3:52
  I'm going to make sure my phone isn't going to be loud.
• 3:53
  Sorry. It's like exposure therapy for
• 3:57
  me. So I just wanted to get
• 3:58
  comfortable with seeing myself. So that way it doesn't matter
• 4:02
  how I'm being perceived from others or by others makes sense.
• 4:05
  Yeah, OK. What made you want to do that,
• 4:07
  though? Like what kind of tells you
• 4:09
  that? Like, OK, what makes you wake up
• 4:12
  one day and be like, I'm going to do it?
• 4:14
  Why? I think to tell you that, I
• 4:18
  think I have to break it down to what made me want to be myself,
• 4:21
  and I think I should tell you my story.
• 4:24
  Yes. Tell us your story.
• 4:25
  I am biracial, my mother is black, my dad is white.
• 4:29
  They were both in the Army. They met each other when they
• 4:32
  were both 18 and they had four kids together.
• 4:36
  They were not good together, yadda, yadda, yadda.
• 4:38
  Fast forward, so I have emotionally immature parents.
• 4:41
  So I was the kid as we all. I was a child who felt like I
• 4:46
  had to make everybody happy so I could make sure that, you know,
• 4:49
  nobody else would react. And so I put a lot on myself and
• 4:52
  I through that, I lost myself. I got married to my high school
• 4:56
  sweetheart. Love him, he's amazing.
• 4:58
  We're no longer together, but I was with him for 12 years,
• 5:02
  married to him for nine years. I'm 28 right now and I got
• 5:05
  married at 18, obviously so last year and who I got tired of just
• 5:13
  look, being scared to look at myself in the mirror.
• 5:14
  Why am I so uncomfortable? It's because I don't know who's
• 5:16
  staring back at me. And so I got tired of that and I
• 5:18
  just wanted to break free because it's like you ever have
• 5:24
  a task that it's low key, extremely easy, but you tell
• 5:27
  yourself it's super hard. Yes, that is literally how it
• 5:31
  felt, felt to live. Like living should be easy,
• 5:34
  yeah. You know, you know it's, you
• 5:35
  know it's bad when you start counting the steps from your bed
• 5:38
  to the restroom, from your bed to the kitchen and how many
• 5:42
  steps it took you to make coffee.
• 5:44
  That was me for a really long time too.
• 5:46
  Like you would be overwhelmed with like how do you mean?
• 5:49
  So like, you know, having to start the day, I'd be like, oh,
• 5:52
  OK, I have to get up and go brush my teeth and it's going to
• 5:55
  take me this many steps to get there.
• 5:57
  And then, oh, I need to start the day 'cause I, I'm very
• 5:59
  habitual too. So I think that like, you know,
• 6:03
  like going through things or like feeling like that for so
• 6:06
  many, for so long. You you just be.
• 6:10
  You think that that's normal, but it's not normal.
• 6:12
  It's not. And to feel that often is not a
• 6:17
  good thing. But I, I thought it was, I
• 6:19
  thought everybody did. And I was like, what do you
• 6:21
  mean? You don't think that thing?
• 6:22
  Like what? That's crazy to me.
• 6:25
  But yeah, like I just, I, I think like, I always kind of had
• 6:30
  that issue for a while, but it, I knew it was getting really bad
• 6:34
  when I would count steps. And so then I would have to like
• 6:36
  really work on that. And I mean, now it's we talk a
• 6:43
  lot about mental health on the pod all the time.
• 6:46
  This is supposed to be about you.
• 6:48
  This is a conversation. Exactly.
• 6:49
  Yes. I feel like I just say this this
• 6:51
  story pretty often, huh? Or no.
• 6:53
  Yeah, well, new to me. Yeah, sorry for the listeners.
• 6:59
  You're like, yeah, we know that story.
• 7:02
  But yeah, no, I just, yeah, it's yeah, just constantly you're to
• 7:10
  your point, I relate to the people pleasing part and in a
• 7:13
  way because it's like you witnessed a lot of like things
• 7:18
  that you were like, how can I make this always be safe and
• 7:21
  make sure that this person is good because I want to feel safe
• 7:24
  too. Or just like I need to put it
• 7:25
  together or I need to do all these things so that I'm
• 7:28
  perceived this way too, and you just, like, put this pressure on
• 7:32
  yourself and that's how you burn out, too.
• 7:34
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 7:35
  Do you have ADHD or do you know? No I don't.
• 7:37
  I got tested Olivia and. Olivia tells me all the time I
• 7:42
  have. ADHD but I am neurospicy but not
• 7:46
  with ADHD. It's a triad.
• 7:48
  Yeah, it is. Anxiety, ADHD and autism.
• 7:51
  It's a triad. My therapist said that.
• 7:52
  Yeah. And then it's it is like, so I
• 7:56
  don't know. I mean, like they keep telling
• 7:59
  me that that test was a a phallus, like they were like,
• 8:04
  that test didn't work because, you know, it was meant to for
• 8:07
  white males and you are not male or white.
• 8:10
  So it didn't work on you. And then I was telling them how
• 8:12
  I felt when taking the test and they're just like, I was like,
• 8:15
  well, you know, I knew I had to finish it, so I'm going to
• 8:17
  finish it, but I was sleepy. I didn't want to finish it.
• 8:20
  And then they're like, that sounds like ADHD.
• 8:22
  I'm like, you don't know what the heck you're talking about.
• 8:25
  They're hella diagnosed but not the doctor was like basically
• 8:30
  she was like, you got an A+ plus on this.
• 8:32
  Like you are normal. Your issue is just anxiety and
• 8:35
  depression. I'm like, I've been telling the
• 8:37
  whole world that nobody believes me.
• 8:40
  I believe you. Thank you.
• 8:41
  But I don't know, maybe they sometimes there was a moment
• 8:45
  last year actually. And this is what sends me into
• 8:48
  doing the gene site tests and me into doing like ADHD tests and
• 8:52
  all that. Like I've just been in therapy
• 8:54
  for so long. I've been going through things
• 8:55
  for so long, like in terms of like working through things that
• 8:59
  it's just like, OK, I'm doing all the things.
• 9:02
  Why do I still feel this hopelessness?
• 9:05
  Why do I still have to really struggle with the seasonal
• 9:08
  depression or in the moments that I'm really bad, Like why is
• 9:10
  this still happening? Like I'm on the meds, I'm doing
• 9:13
  therapy, I'm not, I'm like doing therapy and I'm actually doing
• 9:16
  the work and I'm, you know, very active.
• 9:20
  I have, I really worked on my relationships with my family and
• 9:23
  my friends and spiritually. And it's like, why do I still
• 9:26
  feel this way? And it was really frustrating.
• 9:28
  Like it was just like, so frustrating, 'cause it feels
• 9:30
  like, when is it going to stop? And and so, yeah, and then like
• 9:36
  one of my friends was like, I don't know, you might have ADHD.
• 9:38
  And I'm like, no, I don't. But like, it also sends me
• 9:40
  spiraling, you know, 'cause I'm just like, what the fuck, man?
• 9:44
  Like I thought I knew what it was.
• 9:46
  Now I don't know what it was and I'm tired of it.
• 9:49
  I was like, American healthcare for you.
• 9:51
  Yeah, it is, yeah. And so then I that's what leads
• 9:54
  me to do the test and do. And I'm glad I did that though,
• 9:57
  because I did like I, I've recently switched that the
• 10:03
  antidepressants to a different one and cause the one that I was
• 10:05
  on instead of like, that's not actually working for you.
• 10:07
  And I'm like, no fucking way. I've been telling everybody
• 10:09
  this. And now you believe me?
• 10:13
  So what? What was the indicator that to
• 10:16
  them screamed this is not ADHD? Did they tell you why it wasn't
• 10:19
  ADHD versus why it was anxiety? So you take a test.
• 10:22
  So I went so I also just switched to I now also have so
• 10:26
  my therapist is and I always get this wrong, but like there's a
• 10:29
  psychologist and then there's a psychiatrist one does.
• 10:32
  Medicine and the other one doesn't.
• 10:33
  Yeah. And so my therapist does not do
• 10:36
  medicine, but she specializes in like trauma, family
• 10:40
  relationships and like a bunch of stuff like that.
• 10:43
  I really got, I got really lucky with her.
• 10:45
  Like I know a lot of people have really like searching for it,
• 10:49
  the right therapist and all of that and have to shop.
• 10:51
  Thankfully, I did it. But then anyway, so then I just
• 10:54
  had my family doctor and I would tell my family doctor this and
• 10:56
  she'd always kind of be like, well, you need to like be
• 10:59
  outside and you need to be active.
• 11:01
  And I'm like, bro, I've been working out constantly for years
• 11:04
  now. Like what are you talking about?
• 11:06
  And, and so, yeah, anyways, I finally switched to the
• 11:11
  psychiatrist, the one that can do medicine.
• 11:13
  So now she manages all of my, my psychiatric meds and my
• 11:21
  therapist and her talk. And then I still do have my
• 11:24
  family doctor, but my family doctor is just for, you know,
• 11:28
  your, your physical health type of stuff.
• 11:30
  Like, oh, I need to go and do my physical, I need to go and do my
• 11:32
  mammogram. And I don't need to do mammogram
• 11:34
  yet. I will at some point, but.
• 11:38
  Sooner, sooner than later, I don't.
• 11:39
  Know sooner than later. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 11:40
  Make sure you're checking your breasts.
• 11:42
  Absolutely. Like, seriously.
• 11:44
  Seriously. And then if you have a partner,
• 11:46
  make sure you're checking her breasts too.
• 11:49
  Only if she wants you to. And yes, consensual, consensual.
• 11:52
  Cause actually it was my dad who found out my mom had breast
• 11:56
  cancer. It wasn't even my mom.
• 11:58
  It was my my dad was like, hey, like I feel something here.
• 12:01
  Yeah, it was my dad who did. Yeah.
• 12:04
  Anyway, so again, like, check your partner's.
• 12:05
  Yeah, well. So I found AI found a little
• 12:09
  lump, but it was, I think it's a lymph node.
• 12:11
  I'm going on Tuesday to College Hill, whatever it's called, to
• 12:18
  check 'cause I have issues with my periods and they're not
• 12:21
  regular and there's never been my stepmom.
• 12:23
  Actually, she's no longer my stepmom.
• 12:24
  She's my dad's second wife. Dad's been married three times.
• 12:28
  She put me on birth control when I was 11 years old because her
• 12:30
  daughters were sexually active. I wasn't.
• 12:32
  I didn't lose my virginity until I turned 17 to my high school
• 12:36
  boyfriend, who I married. Yeah, 11, though I you you
• 12:40
  wouldn't have even had your period because you're 12/14/13
• 12:44
  sometimes when you're getting your period.
• 12:45
  I was 11, as soon as I started my first period she put me in
• 12:48
  birth control. That's crazy and and it's messed
• 12:50
  my period up ever since then. But it's funny because my my
• 12:53
  period did get regular like almost every month the moment I
• 12:55
  left my ex. Like the stress?
• 12:58
  Yeah, I think I've just always been in a constant state of
• 13:00
  stress. But I wanted to ask.
• 13:03
  You said that I know this is you asking me questions, but I
• 13:06
  actually. Want to?
• 13:07
  Know when did you? Have you always struggled with
• 13:09
  your anxiety, depression, or did it happen after your mom passed?
• 13:12
  No, I, I, I realized that I had been struggling with it for a
• 13:15
  long time. Like probably like high school,
• 13:18
  like I'm like middle school. High school is when I start to
• 13:21
  realize like I'm, you know, like, yeah, why do I feel these
• 13:25
  this way? And I am very anxious or I was
• 13:29
  really anxious too, but I was also very hyper.
• 13:33
  I was very hyper aware and hyper focused on like doing things.
• 13:37
  And I like, I would like be like, I need to do this thing to
• 13:40
  prove that I am doing good things.
• 13:41
  And I used to really equate my value to my output.
• 13:44
  But also that I think like that stems with a lot of things.
• 13:46
  I mean, first Gen. I was.
• 13:48
  Gonna say that oldest. No, I'm middle, my older
• 13:53
  siblings. I mean, honestly, it's genetic.
• 13:55
  Like finally now that I've been in therapy for so long, like my
• 13:58
  family's finally like all like, OK, you know what?
• 14:01
  I do have anxiety and like all like my aunts and uncles or my
• 14:04
  uncles, a lot of them are now like I'm having panic attacks.
• 14:07
  And I love the fact that they're calling it though, like as in
• 14:10
  like saying these things before. Like they would not say those
• 14:14
  terms, you know, they're just like, and they wouldn't yadi
• 14:17
  ever even talk about that either.
• 14:18
  Like they would never be like, I'm having this issue.
• 14:22
  But now they do. Now they're just like, I think I
• 14:24
  do have anxiety. Like I didn't realize that.
• 14:26
  I'm like, I've been telling all you guys this is generational
• 14:28
  trauma that you brought. But like, we all have it.
• 14:34
  But yeah, no, I, I had noticed it for a long time, but I don't
• 14:38
  actually do anything about it until I leave a toxic
• 14:42
  relationship and I get into therapy maybe like a year after
• 14:48
  it ends, maybe because at this point, this is when my mom's
• 14:54
  cancer is, has come back already and she's like, she's gone
• 14:58
  through like that time for the last five.
• 15:00
  So she battled with it for 9 years, but for the last five
• 15:03
  years of her life, that's when like it was really aggressive.
• 15:07
  And so she just had like that scares like, like, I don't know,
• 15:12
  like three death scares a year basically minimum.
• 15:15
  And so like, we just were very numb to it, you know, like all
• 15:20
  of us in my family. Like, so when it finally was
• 15:22
  going to happen, we were just like, Nah, you know, 'cause like
• 15:26
  the amount of times that a doctor would tell us like, she's
• 15:28
  going to die now. And it was like, fuck off.
• 15:31
  Unless you're her specialty Dr., we're not listening to you
• 15:35
  because there were so many doctors that if we would have
• 15:37
  listened to people and like just gave up, I guess not gotten the
• 15:41
  2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th opinion. Yeah, we would have lost her a
• 15:46
  longer time ago. But anyways, yeah, I mean, so
• 15:49
  again, I'm saying like, and it's funny, the reason I go to
• 15:53
  therapy too. It's a lot of reasons, but one
• 15:57
  time. So in the specialty hospital
• 15:58
  that we were there for my mom, it was really cool, specialty
• 16:02
  cancer hospital that you just had the all, all of her doctors
• 16:06
  there. Is that in San Antonio?
• 16:08
  No, this is for the Cancer treatment centers of America and
• 16:11
  I think they have like 4 or five locations.
• 16:13
  It is a private 1. So you do have to have
• 16:15
  insurance, but it depends on what your insurance takes.
• 16:19
  So they there was a closer one. I think there was one like in
• 16:22
  Oklahoma or Texas, but her insurance or my dad's insurance
• 16:25
  only accepted the Chicago 1. So that's also why I stay in
• 16:29
  Wichita because it's like we had direct flights from here.
• 16:31
  We need a house in my house and anything.
• 16:34
  So, yeah, she had, it's like a specialty hospital.
• 16:40
  So everything is in house. I mean, like the, the top floors
• 16:44
  of the hospital are also hotels rooms so that patients can stay
• 16:48
  there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 16:50
  So everything is there. I mean, like your cardiologist
• 16:52
  is there your pulmonolog because it it affects your whole body.
• 16:55
  They also had nutritionists and then mental health.
• 16:58
  And so they just always had your, your day when you were
• 17:00
  traveling in was packed with everything and it was like two
• 17:04
  or three days. It depended what your treatment
• 17:05
  was like. And you're seeing all of the
• 17:07
  specialty doctors and one of them was a therapist.
• 17:11
  And I'm like, mom, we should go like, let's go see what it is.
• 17:14
  And she's like, no, no, I'm like, come on.
• 17:16
  My mom doesn't speak English. So we had a translator with us
• 17:20
  and the therapist does not speak English either.
• 17:24
  It was not a good experience. The therapist spoke what
• 17:27
  language? English.
• 17:28
  I'm sorry I said that wrong. Nobody spoke Spanish is what I'm
• 17:33
  saying, besides the translator. They had everything.
• 17:36
  But bilingual. Bilingual, not just Spanish,
• 17:39
  other languages are like. That's actually kind of crazy to
• 17:42
  me. It was actually.
• 17:43
  I mean, they had a lot of really cool translators and they were
• 17:46
  really great. Like if you needed a translator
• 17:49
  in any language, they would come.
• 17:51
  But that was, I mean, like this, the doctors or this or the
• 17:55
  whoever it was, right? If they didn't speak another
• 17:58
  language. I mean, like that's why you had
• 17:59
  the translator. But in therapy, you don't want a
• 18:03
  therapist who doesn't speak your language.
• 18:05
  Literally, that's not going to work.
• 18:08
  And I don't know why. I mean, again, this is my first
• 18:10
  time I've ever experienced a therapy.
• 18:12
  I don't know. I thought like, let's, why not,
• 18:14
  let's go, let's try it out. And it's not a good time.
• 18:18
  Like everyone is trying to understand what she's saying,
• 18:21
  but no one's really understanding what she's.
• 18:23
  Saying you're probably so frustrated.
• 18:24
  She's frustrated. Oh, yeah, she's really
• 18:26
  frustrated. I'm like, she's trying to say
• 18:28
  this, but she's not, or I don't know.
• 18:29
  And like, mom, are you saying this but my mom?
• 18:30
  Gets frustrated and she goes. And she's like, you know what?
• 18:34
  Funny. You need therapy.
• 18:36
  And I was just like, you know what I do?
• 18:39
  Because like, this is a lot, like this alone is a lot.
• 18:43
  And then like, I don't know how you've done it.
• 18:46
  Like you've gone through so much shit.
• 18:48
  Like I don't know how you're living life thinking you can do
• 18:51
  this because I'm this age and I don't feel like I can.
• 18:56
  And so that happens. And then probably like at my
• 19:00
  job, they were really focused on like vulnerability was a big,
• 19:04
  big piece of like, I wouldn't say our values, but we had
• 19:06
  values that we really did stick to.
• 19:08
  And you're really trying to walk the talk like when we say
• 19:11
  integrity, like they're not just like these company values.
• 19:13
  Like you really do walk the talk for it.
• 19:15
  Like you're holding yourself to that high standard.
• 19:18
  And so like it, that job really forces me to be vulnerable where
• 19:23
  I once before thought it was not a good thing to be vulnerable.
• 19:28
  And like I was just very much like, I can't let somebody see
• 19:34
  all this stuff. This is crazy.
• 19:35
  But then I'm saying like I'm the youngest one there at that time.
• 19:38
  And I'm saying these people who are older than me who have
• 19:42
  different lives and have different, what I used to think
• 19:46
  was success to an output where it's like a degree or a title or
• 19:52
  a certificate or whatever. I used to think that at some
• 19:55
  point in my life and I'm hearing all these people talk about this
• 19:58
  and they're all saying therapy, they're all saying how this is
• 20:01
  important. And I'm finally like, you know,
• 20:05
  I'm, I'm seeing like, maybe this is something I should look into.
• 20:09
  So that's like even couple months in.
• 20:10
  And then finally one of my coworkers, we start talking
• 20:14
  about it. She gives me the number to the
• 20:16
  therapist that she has that she liked for her daughter.
• 20:18
  And I was like, OK, And I hold on to that.
• 20:23
  Like I still remember it was like August.
• 20:25
  I hold on to that number, but I never did anything with it.
• 20:27
  And I think it's like November and I know it's November because
• 20:31
  the holidays are about to hit. And finally one day like I'm
• 20:35
  just really struggling and I like just I'm going to driving a
• 20:38
  Dodge and I'm on. I just call her and I leave her
• 20:42
  a voicemail and it's like literally right before
• 20:44
  Thanksgiving and I'm just like, I'm not doing well.
• 20:47
  I had your number for a while. A friend of mine gave it to me.
• 20:50
  And I mean, I'm doing well. I'm not going to do anything.
• 20:54
  But like I feel like if I do not give the make this call right
• 20:59
  now, I'm not going to give it because or I'm not going to take
• 21:01
  it because it's just taking me so long to get the courage to do
• 21:05
  this, to even make this call so that she returns my my voicemail
• 21:08
  like Monday or Tuesday or whatever 'cause it was during
• 21:11
  the holidays. And that's how I go to therapy.
• 21:13
  Good. Well, you made it.
• 21:14
  I. Love that.
• 21:15
  It took a long time. Sorry.
• 21:16
  What about you? Therapy or not therapy, but
• 21:20
  mental health. I mean, we got into the like we
• 21:22
  went down my path way too long. We I want to go back to yours.
• 21:28
  OK like how does mental health affect me?
• 21:30
  No, you were talking about like at what point you finally
• 21:33
  realize that you, I need to be myself and not be afraid to look
• 21:39
  at myself in the mirror. And you start to also share
• 21:41
  about like your how you grew up and that's where you were,
• 21:44
  that's where you were headed. Where OK, yes, so I was the
• 21:50
  middle child as well of basically my mom and my dad had
• 21:53
  four kids, but my mom had the fifth one with another man.
• 21:57
  So there was like a core for still love my little baby
• 21:59
  brother, but I was always the one that had to.
• 22:05
  I was just super empathetic and I have always been that way.
• 22:09
  Like I can feel your energy. I am all I can feel everybody's
• 22:13
  energy, anger, happiness, everything like that.
• 22:15
  Being downtown, walk up, driving downtown.
• 22:18
  I wasn't going to go to the the protest and then something just
• 22:20
  like I felt the energy there. I felt the community, I felt the
• 22:23
  connection and I was like, I, I want to feel this.
• 22:26
  So I stopped. So I've always been really
• 22:29
  sensitive to energy. My parents, my dad's very
• 22:32
  reactive. My mom is emotionally absent and
• 22:38
  my siblings, unfortunately, my brother is diagnosed with
• 22:41
  bipolar disorder. My sister, I don't, my sister is
• 22:52
  very self absorbed and it sucks because she doesn't want to be,
• 22:56
  but it's like she lacks the capacity to empathize with
• 23:01
  people, which sucks for her because I know that she wants
• 23:03
  to. And so she's kind of almost kind
• 23:04
  of how you feel about your anxiety and depression.
• 23:07
  I feel like she feels that she just can't get it right.
• 23:10
  And it's like because she can't feel the energy she only can.
• 23:14
  She gets stuck in roommates in her own brain.
• 23:17
  And then my younger brother is kind of a emotionally absent as
• 23:21
  well. And so I always grew up thinking
• 23:24
  feelings weren't safe 'cause I always felt bad about my
• 23:25
  feelings or feelings that I. And you're such an emotional
• 23:28
  person. Oh yeah.
• 23:29
  You know, like, because the feelings are there.
• 23:31
  You're, you're feeling everything.
• 23:33
  You're super empathetic and empathic.
• 23:36
  You know what I mean? Like I'm saying like that it
• 23:39
  does. You're, you have a high sense of
• 23:43
  empathy, Yes. Yeah.
• 23:45
  So I don't have to say it another way.
• 23:48
  And so you're just like, well, how do I do this?
• 23:50
  How do I process this? Right where are my feelings go?
• 23:53
  How do I it's like there's so much energy in me and where, but
• 23:56
  it doesn't escape and so like when I bottle it up like you, we
• 24:00
  talked about this earlier. I it's so hard for me to cry
• 24:03
  like I literally have videos and I have pictures of me crying
• 24:06
  because I I look. Cute.
• 24:07
  By the way, when I cry, I look. So cute my face turns like the
• 24:10
  perfect. If I can find the blush color
• 24:13
  that crying makes my my cheeks I will find I'll buy it.
• 24:16
  But like I have. Pictures in my my phone of me
• 24:18
  crying because I cannot cry. That's another thing.
• 24:21
  And my journey of my mental health and my self self growth
• 24:26
  journey has been has taken so long and it's still going on.
• 24:30
  I think I'm a lot healthier. And never goes away is what I'm
• 24:33
  learning. It's just levels, yeah.
• 24:35
  You just continue you. Literally and so I have just
• 24:38
  gotten past and I'm kind of still going through healing my
• 24:41
  childhood self and re parenting myself which is so hard.
• 24:44
  But I also I try to be mindful of when I have anxiety.
• 24:48
  Like I have anxiety right now, but I think it's because I had
• 24:50
  an espresso earlier. I've had three sham bongs today.
• 24:54
  I've this is the only water drinking water folks.
• 24:56
  But I have anxiety. But when I feel a certain
• 25:00
  emotion, I like to literally break it down until I get to the
• 25:04
  Y. Like I will ask myself why over
• 25:07
  and over again until I cannot deconstruct it any further.
• 25:10
  And so how that being said, I think I was saying something
• 25:15
  about I break down the Y. Yeah, and you were learning how
• 25:20
  to repairing yourself. Yes, heal your childhood.
• 25:22
  Trauma, yes, and crying so because.
• 25:24
  You look very beautiful when crying.
• 25:26
  I do see rabbit holes, so a lovely.
• 25:28
  Yes, you might have it. I'm just kidding.
• 25:31
  I'm like, I'm not. If if a mental health
• 25:32
  professional is saying that you don't have it, I'm not going to
• 25:34
  tell you you have it because I don't have the tools.
• 25:36
  Anyways, again, rabbit hole. So crying and not being able to
• 25:40
  cry, I'm like, OK, let me be mindful.
• 25:42
  That's the biggest thing, what is happening in this moment when
• 25:45
  I want to cry but I can't. I get a feeling, I get a pinch
• 25:48
  like right around here, like there's a pinch in my face.
• 25:51
  And it's like the moment that pinch happens, I stop crying.
• 25:54
  And so like, I might get emotional because I might cry.
• 25:57
  I hope I do, but I can. I can feel it now too.
• 25:59
  Like I can feel me wanting to cry but I cannot.
• 26:02
  And I think that comes from childhood because I couldn't cry
• 26:05
  like I like. You want to give?
• 26:08
  You want me to give you something to cry about?
• 26:09
  I know. No.
• 26:10
  Well, no. Honestly, no one ever heard
• 26:12
  that. I Yeah.
• 26:13
  No. You better stop crying before I
• 26:15
  give you something to cry about. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 26:16
  No I never that was I never really got told that.
• 26:19
  It was more like I always had to take a back seat to my parents
• 26:22
  emotions and so me crying wasn't helping anything.
• 26:26
  Me crying wasn't going to get me anything.
• 26:30
  My siblings would make fun of me if I cried.
• 26:31
  Like there's so many things like crying doesn't help me is what I
• 26:34
  thought. Yeah.
• 26:35
  And so now I'm like really mindful of my body as a, I'm
• 26:41
  guessing a trauma response. Yeah, won't cry.
• 26:42
  Yes, Yeah. And so.
• 26:44
  Your body stores trauma, and that's what I've learned.
• 26:46
  Like body. Keeps a score.
• 26:47
  It's a book, you should read it. Yeah, and and into that too, I
• 26:50
  mean like your body once you're retriggered when you've had
• 26:54
  through some type of trauma like your body cannot tell past for
• 26:58
  present. So like it just thinks that
• 26:59
  you're in an issue mode again, because it's happened to me like
• 27:03
  now dating, like there's been moments where like I got re
• 27:06
  triggered in a in a certain sense.
• 27:07
  And I'm just like, why do I feel that way?
• 27:09
  Like I know this is, this is safe.
• 27:11
  I'm nothing is going to happen. I'm just feel this way, you
• 27:15
  know, and you're like, what the fuck?
• 27:18
  And so yeah, I've had to like continue.
• 27:20
  It just continues to show you the tender parts of yourself
• 27:23
  that you had to continue to nurture, nurture because you
• 27:27
  were still probably you thought you did, and then you weren't
• 27:30
  nurturing it back to again, like learning to love your childhood
• 27:33
  self. I hated it, yes.
• 27:36
  Yeah, yes, yes, I I think it's hard when I want to cry so bad
• 27:41
  and because that little piece of me, the girl inside of me is
• 27:44
  telling is wants to cry too. But the part of me that kept me
• 27:47
  safe, so splitting myself into two selves it I'm telling myself
• 27:51
  I can't, which is my body pinching itself or whatever
• 27:54
  stopping myself. But I try to make myself cry.
• 27:57
  I actually the last time I cried was watching Uptown Girls, which
• 28:01
  is. That's a good one and cried too
• 28:03
  though. It is.
• 28:04
  It was. It's a good one.
• 28:05
  It is. And it's so true to the moment
• 28:08
  of time I'm in right now where you are literally seeing a child
• 28:14
  who had to grow up and a woman who never grew up.
• 28:17
  And it's like they're battling inside of each other.
• 28:20
  And I think both of them heal each other.
• 28:21
  Yeah, it's a good it's. But the way that you you said it
• 28:25
  is deep because I mean like the yeah, go ahead.
• 28:27
  Well, it it it, it struck a nerve for me because Dakota
• 28:31
  Fanning in that movie is me, is the, is the part of me that made
• 28:34
  myself grow up fast. I can't feel because my parent
• 28:38
  nobody will care. And then Britney Murphy, RIP to
• 28:43
  a queen. She's the part of me that wants
• 28:47
  to come out and needs to be healed right now.
• 28:49
  But they both need to be healed. But she's she's the part of me
• 28:51
  that's trying to heal that little girl and me.
• 28:53
  And but she also needs to be healed at the same time because
• 28:56
  she just wants somebody to love her.
• 28:58
  And the moment that she stops trying to give love just to
• 29:03
  receive it back is when all the love finds her.
• 29:05
  And so like that movie to me really resonates with my soul
• 29:08
  because that I think you just need to love yourself.
• 29:10
  Like that's the the core of everything.
• 29:12
  You just truly have to love yourself because if you don't
• 29:14
  love yourself deeply, you can never love anybody in any deeper
• 29:19
  than how you love yourself. So yeah, I don't know.
• 29:21
  I was going on a tangent, but I don't.
• 29:23
  Know what? No.
• 29:23
  And that came from me asking why you're like, I'm gonna, I was
• 29:28
  really afraid to put myself on video.
• 29:30
  And now I'm putting myself on video because I'm it's exposure
• 29:33
  therapy to me. Yeah, yeah.
• 29:35
  And I'm obsessed with myself. I'm so cute.
• 29:38
  You are so cute I. Used to be watching myself like
• 29:40
  I love that bitch, you know? I love this.
• 29:44
  OK, wait, what's your what's your sign?
• 29:46
  Astrological sign. I'm a Gemini.
• 29:49
  You're a Gemini the. Aquarius moon and a Pisces
• 29:53
  rising so I'm air air water. OK, what are you?
• 29:58
  I just know I'm a Libra and then I do not know.
• 30:02
  OK, that's OK. I'm very spiritual so and I
• 30:04
  think it's all connected. What about you?
• 30:06
  I'm a Virgo. I'm.
• 30:08
  Just kidding, my ex. What's the team with Virgo?
• 30:11
  OK my ex and my mom. I actually attract Virgos so.
• 30:14
  Or at least a part of me grew up with Virgos.
• 30:17
  Some mom's a Virgo, My ex is a Virgo, and my niece, who is
• 30:20
  probably one of my favorite people on the planet, is a Virgo
• 30:23
  as well. Yeah, Yeah.
• 30:25
  OK I I I was just thinking cuz you were saying that you were
• 30:27
  obsessed with yourself. Like those are Libra qualities
• 30:29
  too though. They are.
• 30:30
  Do you know, Apparently I'm friends with Libras.
• 30:33
  Or I should be friends with Libras?
• 30:34
  Libras. But I think I was just so scared
• 30:37
  of being myself that I never attracted the people I should
• 30:39
  have been around, which would be Libras.
• 30:42
  Who else? Pisces like me.
• 30:43
  I have so many Pisces friends. Yeah, like all my majority of my
• 30:47
  friends are Pisces. They're so kind, they're so
• 30:50
  loving. They're so like, nurturing, I
• 30:53
  think. Yeah, yeah.
• 30:54
  I try not. I used to not be really into
• 30:56
  astrological stuff, but now that I'm like now my next thing is
• 31:00
  more spiritual that I'm like, OK, let's not cast things off
• 31:06
  anymore. You do this a lot.
• 31:08
  You're like, that's not real. Fuck off, you're not.
• 31:11
  Suppressing your feelings. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 31:13
  And I'm like, you do that a lot. Stop doing that.
• 31:17
  You're re parenting yourself. That's good constantly,
• 31:19
  constantly. So what are your thoughts on
• 31:21
  like? I do agree with like you can't
• 31:23
  love someone else until you can love yourself, but also like I
• 31:28
  used to think that like you can't that used.
• 31:33
  I used to think that that saying meant while I am healing, I
• 31:37
  cannot be loved. And so I like didn't do any of
• 31:43
  like relationships or stuff like that because of that.
• 31:46
  So I'm curious on your thoughts on, you know, while you're still
• 31:50
  healing, while you're still trying to learn and grow.
• 31:53
  And because I mean, it's never ending.
• 31:55
  I mean, like it's just consistent going up and going up
• 31:58
  because life changes and nightlife ebbs and flows and
• 32:00
  you're going to continue to get things.
• 32:02
  So what what are your thoughts on that?
• 32:04
  Do you think that you can and should be still dating or
• 32:08
  finding love or being in love while you're healing?
• 32:11
  That's a good question. I think that it depends on what
• 32:13
  you're healing from. I think that if you have issues
• 32:17
  with self worth and self self identity and you latch onto
• 32:22
  people and their identities because you just don't have a
• 32:25
  sense of your own identity, then I don't think you should be
• 32:26
  dating because then you're susceptible to someone else's
• 32:29
  trauma and you're not healed enough to be dating.
• 32:31
  Depending on what's your intention of dating.
• 32:34
  If you are dating with the intent to get stronger to where
• 32:37
  one day you will find your soulmate but this person right
• 32:39
  here may not be, I think you should date.
• 32:42
  But if you don't trust yourself, then you shouldn't date until
• 32:45
  you trust yourself. Best way to trust yourself?
• 32:47
  It's kind of like a catch 22. I think that's how you say it.
• 32:50
  The best way to trust yourself is to just put yourself out
• 32:54
  there and just trust that you'll catch yourself.
• 32:57
  But if you don't trust yourself and you can't trust that you
• 32:59
  will be there for yourself, do not date.
• 33:02
  Go to therapy and take yourself off the market for a little
• 33:04
  longer. Yeah, because you're.
• 33:05
  Gonna hurt yourself. Yeah, damn, that was that was
• 33:08
  good. I know Tiana, I'd be coming
• 33:11
  through with the essays. Yeah, like fuck Tiana, we're.
• 33:14
  Like I wasn't saying earlier, I looked up the cover of the
• 33:17
  Uptown Girls and your description of it.
• 33:19
  I would not have imagined you know what you said by looking at
• 33:24
  the cover. Here, that's what I'm saying.
• 33:25
  Yeah, judge a movie or book by its cover.
• 33:27
  Yeah, like that's what I'm saying.
• 33:28
  Like you're, I think even just how the movie is described,
• 33:32
  Uptown Girls, I mean, that is kind of the root of it, but it
• 33:35
  doesn't get marketed that way. It's a silly movie.
• 33:38
  Because that's not going to sell it, people.
• 33:41
  I liked it. I watched it before like my
• 33:44
  healing journey and I loved it because it was cute.
• 33:46
  I loved the outfits. I loved how fun Brittany Murphy
• 33:49
  is. I love like it's it's fun.
• 33:51
  But when you really think about the story it tells, it's a
• 33:55
  really good story And, and you might have to watch it two or
• 33:58
  three times, but that doesn't make them money.
• 34:01
  That's not going to give them a return on their investment.
• 34:03
  So they're not going to market it the way that I just described
• 34:06
  it. Because if somebody feels like
• 34:08
  it doesn't resonate, they may not watch it.
• 34:10
  If it feels like it, it's something they're not ready to
• 34:12
  face yet, they may not watch it. That's fair.
• 34:15
  That's a good point. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 34:17
  So Speaking of bullshit, no, I don't know.
• 34:21
  I kind of almost want to stay on this topic, but we shouldn't.
• 34:23
  How we could easily butcher continue down this topic because
• 34:27
  we love it so much I feel. Did you have anything you want
• 34:31
  to ask in this topic? Not really, no.
• 34:34
  I mean, yeah, no, not really. OK, OK, Just make sure, OK.
• 34:39
  But I know a lot too about your story where it's like you were
• 34:43
  in Austin and then you're here in Wichita, you're always back
• 34:46
  and forth between the two places I'm.
• 34:49
  And then you're also now like here in Wichita, you're like
• 34:52
  you're wanting to bring a lot of the things that you experience
• 34:56
  in Austin here. So, you know, like what?
• 34:59
  Why don't you just pick one? Like a pick a place.
• 35:02
  Yeah. Or is this your Gemini?
• 35:04
  No, this is this is actually I'm actually super passionate about
• 35:07
  this. So this is a morning there will
• 35:08
  be HPL here. A tangent.
• 35:10
  I I said it before I'm biracial and so I don't get the privilege
• 35:15
  to pick a race and I'm assuming you're biracial as well.
• 35:18
  Sorry, I'm talking to someone off camera.
• 35:20
  Shout out Corey, shout out Corey.
• 35:22
  I'm biracial. I don't get to pick and so and
• 35:25
  instead of me battling inside myself, oh, I'm this, I'm this,
• 35:28
  I'm not enough of this, I'm not enough of this.
• 35:30
  Why not have all of it? It's like that tortilla
• 35:32
  commercial from like the early 2000s.
• 35:33
  Why not both, you know, and so don't fucking lose us.
• 35:37
  Why not both? Yes, CC, but and I technically
• 35:42
  I'm from a city outside of Austin, but that's the biggest
• 35:46
  city next to it. All that being said, I to my
• 35:49
  core, I want community and I think community should be
• 35:52
  everywhere. It shouldn't just be in Austin.
• 35:53
  It shouldn't just be in Texas. It shouldn't be somewhere I have
• 35:56
  to go to, to somewhere to get. Community is all around us
• 35:59
  because to our core, we are looking for connection.
• 36:03
  That's literally how we keep going.
• 36:05
  That's why you know it. That's why we seek a partner.
• 36:10
  Doesn't matter race, it doesn't matter.
• 36:12
  You seek a partner because you seek connection.
• 36:14
  And I think that we are struggling right now, especially
• 36:17
  in Wichita with connection. And I think it's been a snowball
• 36:22
  of different things. But I would say COVID for sure.
• 36:25
  People got scared of people. People got scared of, of, you
• 36:28
  know, and think about when you're depressed, you want to
• 36:32
  seclude, be secluded. And it's like addictive because
• 36:35
  you don't have to worry about anybody else's energy.
• 36:37
  And so then you get stuck because you want connection,
• 36:41
  However, you don't want the discomfort that comes with
• 36:43
  connection. And you don't know how to get
• 36:45
  it. Absolutely.
• 36:46
  You don't know how to get it and you're in your own way.
• 36:47
  It's like you're making the problem harder.
• 36:49
  So I see the need here in Wichita.
• 36:52
  As I'm connecting and finding myself looking in the mirror, I
• 36:54
  realize to my core, I love people.
• 36:58
  I that's why I'm such an empath. That's why I don't want people
• 37:01
  to feel like hurt. You know, I love community.
• 37:04
  And so I see the community in Wichita, and the biggest issue
• 37:08
  is there's no, and I've said it on, I did a rant on Facebook,
• 37:11
  there's no intersectionality and that's to my core.
• 37:14
  You talk a lot about intersectionality, even on
• 37:16
  TikTok. Yeah, it's like a lot of your
• 37:18
  posts. Yeah, like I am a black woman
• 37:21
  raised by a white man. But The thing is, it's not like
• 37:23
  I was a black woman adopted by a white man.
• 37:25
  I am half white man, half black woman.
• 37:28
  And I like think in my head, I'm like, I think like a older white
• 37:31
  man, but I'm have the empowerment of a black woman,
• 37:34
  which is kind of a weird dynamic, but it just kind of low
• 37:39
  key gives me the confidence to realize like I don't believe in
• 37:41
  failure. I fell forward.
• 37:44
  All that being said about how I got where I am now, there is no
• 37:48
  intersectionality and I can see like through the cracks and I
• 37:52
  can be like, OK, in Wichita, we are extremely diverse.
• 37:56
  Yeah. Extremely diverse we are.
• 37:57
  We're just so segregated. We're so segregated.
• 38:00
  I hate that's. I noticed that too as soon as I
• 38:01
  got here. That's the only thing I hate
• 38:02
  about Wichita, too. We need intentionality behind
• 38:06
  what we're doing and I think that we need to focus on
• 38:08
  collaboration. I was just talking about it with
• 38:10
  someone I had was getting coffee with earlier and I was like, I
• 38:15
  give the love that I want to receive.
• 38:17
  I think we all do. We all give the love we want to
• 38:19
  receive. And so for me, when I'm in a,
• 38:23
  when I'm at an event, I want people to come up to me and talk
• 38:27
  to me. If I'm alone, I want to connect
• 38:28
  with people. And so if I'm at an event, I
• 38:31
  will go and talk to someone because I, that's what I want
• 38:33
  somebody to do to me. So why not just do it first?
• 38:35
  I believe in, I don't know if you guys have heard the term
• 38:38
  political capital. It's usually when it referring
• 38:40
  to when you're working, but political capital is essentially
• 38:42
  like a bank account of influence.
• 38:45
  Instead of me worrying about you scratching my back, I'm going to
• 38:48
  scratch 5 people's backs first. And then when I'm ready to get
• 38:51
  my back, my back scratched, I'm going to cash in.
• 38:54
  I'm going to make a deposit out of my my bank account.
• 38:58
  And so for me, I do, I am people first, I do 1st and I hope to
• 39:05
  receive later. I'm a giver, but I am also I
• 39:08
  know my boundaries. I know my worth.
• 39:09
  That's another thing is what I had to go through.
• 39:11
  I had needed to make boundaries. And with that, I think that if
• 39:17
  you do a little at a time, you sleep couple days after, you
• 39:21
  know, you do, you have a thought, it resonates with you
• 39:24
  subconsciously. It's like it penetrates further
• 39:26
  as time goes by. And so I try to do little things
• 39:29
  for myself and not hope for an immediate return on it.
• 39:33
  Does that make sense? I I know I just said a bunch of
• 39:36
  things but I hope it all made sense together.
• 39:37
  I think it makes sense. Yeah.
• 39:39
  I I, I know what you're saying. Yeah.
• 39:41
  Yeah. How do you, because we've had
• 39:43
  this conversation before, but how do you.
• 39:45
  And you asked me this question and I was like, that's a good
• 39:47
  ass question. Damn.
• 39:49
  I don't know yet. Or let me see.
• 39:50
  Let me think it there. Let me talk it out loud.
• 39:52
  I do that a lot. Like I'll think out loud.
• 39:54
  And then it's so funny because at work sometimes, like, I have
• 39:56
  to think in systems too, and I'll be repeating something.
• 40:00
  And then I normally talk to devs.
• 40:02
  And they're a different breed of people, too.
• 40:04
  Who? Developers, software engineers.
• 40:07
  OK, like, in the sense of they're very logical.
• 40:10
  Yeah. And they're just like, so
• 40:12
  anyways, I'll think out loud. And then they'll be like, yeah,
• 40:14
  that's what I just said. And I'm like.
• 40:17
  Yeah, I know I have to think out loud so that I can process this
• 40:21
  and that I'm making sure that I'm understanding what you're
• 40:24
  telling me. So if I we if I take this away
• 40:28
  because I know this is the root of it, you're telling me you
• 40:32
  can't do that because of X technical reason.
• 40:35
  So in that technical reason, how do we fix that?
• 40:39
  Yeah, that you have to think it out loud in order for you to
• 40:42
  like process it yeah or yeah, and I'm the same way.
• 40:46
  And they also say that well, I'll say they when I say they, I
• 40:48
  mean TikTok, y'all it said something about if you say your
• 40:54
  problems out loud, your you reduce your stress by 30%.
• 40:58
  And they also say I didn't. Know that.
• 40:59
  Yeah, well, that's the TikTok, but this is actually something
• 41:03
  that this part's not on TikTok. I'm sure it is, But if you a
• 41:07
  problem written down is a problem half solved is that's an
• 41:11
  actual thing They do say that they be saying that who's that?
• 41:13
  They don't know all of them, but have problem written down is a
• 41:17
  problem half solved. I don't even know why.
• 41:21
  I don't know why. I don't know if there's
• 41:22
  something about it that makes you realize.
• 41:24
  I think it's a level of detachment in a way.
• 41:26
  I think it detaches you from your issue.
• 41:28
  I think like there was a point where I start to realize like,
• 41:31
  OK, I need to get to this back to this point of detachment
• 41:34
  again because like I really do believe that people do not
• 41:37
  belong to each other. We get to experience each other
• 41:39
  and like for the time that I get to experience you, I am going to
• 41:42
  pour a lot of love into that. I think like a lot of times
• 41:45
  we're always like really afraid to give that love.
• 41:48
  And it's to your point when you were saying earlier, it's like,
• 41:50
  I trust myself to be able to rebuild it if whatever happens,
• 41:54
  like, but I'm not going to be going around guarding it
• 41:57
  anymore. I'm not going to be going around
• 42:00
  feeling like I need to see that you're going to do it first.
• 42:03
  Like at this point, I'm not afraid to say I love you or
• 42:08
  anything like that because at one point in my life I was
• 42:10
  really afraid to say that. And and when I say I love you,
• 42:12
  I'm not just saying romantically, but just like I'm
• 42:15
  saying it in the sense of like, I truly care about you.
• 42:18
  Yeah. You know, and I think like
• 42:20
  sometimes we, yeah, sometimes I like even to my friends, like I,
• 42:23
  you know, I think now I'm able to say it, but like, and it was
• 42:26
  a lot of my friends who taught me love.
• 42:29
  I think honestly, if I'm being honest, like they, they teach me
• 42:33
  how like because I used to like they'd be like, I love you and
• 42:35
  like, what the fuck did you just say to me like?
• 42:38
  I saw this thing that said middle children receive the most
• 42:41
  love from their from friends, like outwardly, because middle
• 42:43
  children are, they're not the oldest, so they don't have that
• 42:46
  pressure of having to do this, this, this, this, but they're
• 42:48
  not the youngest who gets coddled.
• 42:50
  And so there's somewhere in between.
• 42:52
  They're almost like ignored by their parents.
• 42:53
  That's like the whole gig of being a middle child.
• 42:55
  You're ignored and you have the autonomy low key to build
• 42:59
  yourself, but you still need these things that to develop and
• 43:02
  you look outside of yourself and sometimes outside of the home
• 43:04
  and you a lot of middle children have a lot of friends.
• 43:07
  They are the most social because they had to be.
• 43:09
  So that's what I that also. Yeah, I like when people
• 43:13
  psychoanalyze. Me.
• 43:16
  I don't mean to. No, it's OK.
• 43:17
  Yesterday, Yesterday Ashley was, well, it's not yesterday, but
• 43:21
  last episode for you guys. The last episode, Ashley was
• 43:25
  like, yeah. No, that was you.
• 43:29
  It was telling us what we look like appearance wise, like what
• 43:32
  type of life we could be living. Yeah.
• 43:34
  Do that to Tiana. Do that to Tiana because it was
• 43:37
  fun. We'll save that for the second
• 43:39
  segment. Yeah, yeah.
• 43:40
  I bet I could tell you. Yeah, Oh my God.
• 43:45
  Okay, so. We're trying to make Wichita in
• 43:49
  this sense of like duality. But Speaking of duality, I think
• 43:54
  that we should also bring in, you didn't say duality.
• 43:58
  That was something you said earlier from when we're talking
• 43:59
  or saying starts with an I, but we need a drink so we're going
• 44:04
  to break so we can do the drink and we're going to come back.
• 44:08
  You heard of your folks? We're going to take a break.
• 44:09
  We'll see ya. Here's to You is supported by
• 44:21
  One Life Spirits. One Life Spirits is built on
• 44:23
  purpose, culture, good people and good drinks so you can live
• 44:27
  one life to the fullest. That means shots that are
• 44:30
  smooth, tasteful, and pair perfectly with a lime.
• 44:33
  Or our favorite, in orange. Because if you're still chasing
• 44:36
  tequila with it, lime, what are you doing?
• 44:39
  That orange slice brings out the bright citrus notes of Unavida
• 44:43
  Blanco, which is smooth, authentic and tasteful.
• 44:46
  Like myself. Plus, Una Vida is 100% additive
• 44:50
  free, so you're enjoying tequila in its purest form without the
• 44:54
  hangover regret. Yeah, because it takes us three
• 44:57
  to five business days to recover now, and Hangzad is not my
• 45:00
  friend. That's why you should stick with
• 45:03
  una Vida or try cocktails instead of shots.
• 45:06
  Okay, love a little. One Life Spirits also crafts El
• 45:09
  Drago High Post vodkas and LeBron whiskey all bold, smooth
• 45:13
  and made to share. Whether it's game night, date
• 45:15
  night or just Tuesday night, they've got the pores covered.
• 45:19
  Because it's not just about taste, but it's about that
• 45:21
  feeling. And we're proud spirits noms.
• 45:24
  So treat yourself. Visit onelifespirits.com, swing
• 45:28
  by the One Life Spirits bar inside of El Primo, or grab a
• 45:31
  bottle at your local liquor store.
• 45:33
  Cheers. Me accounted. 5432 I.
• 45:46
  Can't hear? It you can't hear it.
• 45:59
  Can you hear me now, Mr. Krabs? Can you hear her now?
• 46:03
  Can you hear him now, Mr. Krabs? Can you hear him now, Mr. Krabs
• 46:06
  yeah, can. You hear him.
• 46:07
  That no, not even close to sounding like SpongeBob.
• 46:14
  We're back for Part 2 where we have made Tiana Lemon drop,
• 46:18
  which at some point we're going to put these in the episodes I
• 46:21
  think, but if not find us on Instagram or TikTok because I'm
• 46:25
  posting them there. Exactly what do we got here?
• 46:31
  Fantasy. We got some sort of lemon drop
• 46:33
  thing, and all I know is when I took the first sip of it,
• 46:37
  looking in the glass, I felt like I was drinking the
• 46:39
  universe. Because it is the most sparkly
• 46:42
  drink I've ever had in the history of my life.
• 46:46
  I put sparkles in it because I saw I was buying all the
• 46:49
  ingredients for it, which is pretty simple because it's a
• 46:52
  lemon drop, but I was buying all the ingredients for it and then
• 46:55
  I saw this glitter and I was like, I'm going to dump it in
• 46:57
  there. And it did look so pretty.
• 46:59
  You guys, we should add glitter to things.
• 47:01
  I used to be anti glitter in sparkles because gross.
• 47:04
  And you know, like, I don't know, I think I sometimes I'm a
• 47:07
  little more edgy, but yeah, it's so pretty.
• 47:11
  We should put sparkles in things because it does feel very
• 47:14
  galactical. Is that a word?
• 47:16
  Galactic. Galactic.
• 47:18
  Galactical I said what I said Oh no.
• 47:20
  Fun fact. Oh, never mind.
• 47:22
  Oh no, you know you want a fun fact about glitter.
• 47:25
  Yeah. What would you guess is The Who
• 47:32
  would you guess is the top buyer of glitter?
• 47:35
  Pageant girls. Oh, I thought I was going to
• 47:38
  countries. Oh, what are we doing?
• 47:40
  OK, I was very specific. I like it.
• 47:42
  I mean, that's smart. OK, Niche.
• 47:44
  Very niche. OK, I could gay men.
• 47:48
  Wrong and wrong. OK, OK.
• 47:50
  Not looking up. Good.
• 47:51
  For glitter, yeah. OK.
• 47:53
  Can I ask this question before I guess, yeah.
• 47:55
  Is glitter also good for something else that we aren't
• 47:57
  thinking about? No, in this instance it's still
• 48:02
  used as glitter. OK, ravers, Wrong.
• 48:08
  OK, something to. Cheerleaders.
• 48:11
  To like catch light or something.
• 48:12
  So like airplanes? I don't know, close.
• 48:15
  What? Close.
• 48:16
  What is it? It is boat manufacturing.
• 48:18
  What? For what though?
• 48:20
  What reason? For the boats, they put glitter
• 48:22
  in like the paint I guess to make the boats sparkle and
• 48:25
  shine. But why do they sparkle?
• 48:27
  Huh. Both like.
• 48:28
  Because. It looks.
• 48:30
  Good on the water. Oh OK.
• 48:31
  Because boats and hose bro, that's why.
• 48:33
  It's reflective of water and light.
• 48:35
  Yeah. Boats and hose boats ain't
• 48:38
  cheap, so they got to look nice. Actually, I kind of want to sing
• 48:42
  that song. Yeah.
• 48:43
  Go Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria.
• 48:44
  I do in the In the Bottom Line, drinking sangria, nachos and
• 48:47
  lemon heads in my dad's boat. You won't go down because my
• 48:48
  Dick can float. I sail around the world and go
• 48:50
  port to port. Every time I land, I produce a
• 48:52
  quart. I forgot the rest.
• 48:54
  You're good. I wish I could have gone in on
• 48:56
  that because I don't know it. I don't.
• 48:59
  I love. Love, love boats and hose.
• 49:02
  Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 49:03
  Worldwide. Worldwide.
• 49:05
  Stiege Worldwide. I love that part too.
• 49:09
  Damn that was good. What other songs can you sing
• 49:12
  off the cuff like that? I.
• 49:13
  Don't know. I think that's, you know how I
• 49:15
  said it was a triad and I have ADHD and there's AI think that's
• 49:18
  a touch of something. OK, OK, For me it's like I never
• 49:26
  find no one. No, I never found the one who.
• 49:28
  No, Nope, it's the one with Bow Wow and Tiara.
• 49:35
  Show me all. The things that you show me in a
• 49:37
  special way, I feel when I'm if we gonna always be together,
• 49:40
  that baby, that's what I'm feeling, 'cause.
• 49:43
  I never had nobody show me how the things.
• 49:45
  Are true and show me in a special.
• 49:47
  Way I feel when you're home to me.
• 49:48
  Always be together, baby, that's what you're showing me and I
• 49:51
  believe it 'cause I never had nobody do me like you.
• 49:54
  Damn there. Damn, I forgot about that.
• 49:57
  You triggered. That.
• 50:03
  Was so good. OK, Dusty, I think like we got
• 50:05
  to know a little bit more about Tiana and just those triad
• 50:08
  stuff. So what do you think her life
• 50:11
  would be just by looking at her? OK, to get a sense of how I do
• 50:19
  this, I guess I'll do you again because you actually still look
• 50:22
  the same today. Didn't change.
• 50:25
  Today you did not change. You're still somehow became
• 50:30
  married to a woman living in West Virginia with her with your
• 50:36
  social corporate job. And actually since since
• 50:41
  yesterday we did talk. I originally said your wife has
• 50:44
  a corporate job and that's why you guys only get.
• 50:47
  To see each other sometimes. Go get sushi every.
• 50:50
  Other Friday. That's right, it was because
• 50:52
  that's her. Day.
• 50:52
  Wait, so which one is more cold out of the partnership?
• 50:55
  Oh, that's a valid question. I think it's my corporate wife,
• 50:57
  huh? Yeah.
• 50:58
  Yeah. I think so.
• 51:00
  I like. That she could also not be a
• 51:01
  corporate wife, she could be a touring artist and that's why
• 51:05
  she's not around. Just like somebody detached a
• 51:07
  little bit. Because they're busy, not
• 51:10
  because. Because they're hard.
• 51:11
  They don't want to, exactly. Yeah, I see that.
• 51:14
  I see that. Yeah.
• 51:16
  But so I had said that I'd be OK with the lesbian wife if she
• 51:19
  looked like Ruby Rose, because I want to do it like a bunch.
• 51:22
  OK. You know who Ruby Rose is,
• 51:24
  right? I do.
• 51:25
  Orange is the new black. Orange is the new black.
• 51:26
  She was a she was like a Twitter loved her back when when it was
• 51:30
  Twitter. Now it's X Yeah.
• 51:33
  OK. Yeah.
• 51:34
  I don't know if I, I don't know. See, I I try every year to make
• 51:40
  sure I'm not lesbian and it's like a micro, maybe a brush,
• 51:44
  maybe a kiss, maybe AI don't. That's the furthest he's ever
• 51:47
  gotten, but. Kind of.
• 51:48
  This girl's pretty often, but kiss the homies.
• 51:50
  I don't like kissing women. I just don't like women.
• 51:53
  I mean, I love women, I love women, I love women, but I don't
• 51:55
  want to be with a woman. I want to be with a man.
• 51:57
  Oh, I want to be with a man and I'm not lesbian.
• 51:59
  I'm just saying this. But I couldn't.
• 52:01
  But I'm saying like I can't even imagine having a lesbian wife
• 52:03
  because like, me either. I don't know how.
• 52:05
  I don't think I would love them the way they need to be loved.
• 52:08
  Yeah, no, I yeah, this is a game because we were, we went down
• 52:11
  the lesbian allegations. Lesbian.
• 52:14
  Allegations stay strong. She's not beaten them.
• 52:16
  With her, no, she's. Not actually with some of the
• 52:20
  comments that I just made, I probably am not, but like I just
• 52:24
  OK. Like when I'm painting, for
• 52:26
  instance, I'd rather paint a woman than I would rather paint
• 52:30
  a male. Because there's beauty with
• 52:32
  women. Yeah, men aren't beautiful.
• 52:33
  Men are very beautiful, Yeah, but if I'm doing a portrait, I
• 52:36
  do like to paint a guy. Like if you're drawing them as
• 52:40
  is like almost like a. Picture their portrait is just
• 52:42
  their face, so yeah. But you like the femininity of a
• 52:45
  woman? Yeah, like.
• 52:46
  The So if I'm doing the whole figure, then I do want a woman.
• 52:51
  Got it. I guess I like, I feel like
• 52:53
  there's more that I have to like really think an atomic, atomic
• 52:57
  and atomically about it. But also it is really hard to
• 52:59
  draw. It's hard to draw anybody and
• 53:01
  any and I'm not good. I'm not saying that that I'm
• 53:04
  good. I just like to do it.
• 53:05
  But yeah, yeah, that for sure. We haven't even talked about the
• 53:11
  fact that you changed clothes. We're it's the same day.
• 53:14
  It's only 20 minutes later, 'cause we do take actual breaks.
• 53:18
  You guys, it's the same day. Like we didn't, we didn't fuck
• 53:22
  up this recording. We didn't forget to not click on
• 53:25
  the slow MO button. We actually remember to hit
• 53:28
  record. We didn't fuck this up this
• 53:31
  time. No, this is just what it feels
• 53:33
  like to live in Kansas. Sorry.
• 53:36
  You start your day cold and you end it hot.
• 53:38
  That's that's the fall. I take and wait till a little
• 53:40
  bit later I'll have even less clothes on.
• 53:42
  Can't wait, can't wait. I can't wait for that.
• 53:44
  Hey, I'm not beating the lesbian allegations with that.
• 53:47
  It's just it's people have also told me that Libras are flirty.
• 53:51
  I'm not trying to flirt, I just like to give.
• 53:53
  Compliments. Just flirtatious.
• 53:56
  That's it. That's OK.
• 53:57
  So real quick question on your art and painting and
• 54:05
  Michelangelo's statue of David. Yeah.
• 54:08
  With his with his Wiener out, that's cool.
• 54:12
  No, yeah, I don't like that. No, I'm no I would date or date.
• 54:16
  Yeah, I would. Date him too.
• 54:19
  The hell. He's tall, handsome.
• 54:21
  I would have. Absolutely sat on it.
• 54:22
  Oh. My gosh.
• 54:25
  I mean, there wasn't. I mean, it was, all right?
• 54:26
  It was. It was.
• 54:28
  He wasn't. He was a grower, not a shower.
• 54:31
  He. Was he was definitely a grower,
• 54:33
  not a shower. He was a thinker.
• 54:34
  He was a thinker. Yeah.
• 54:38
  No, yeah. I mean, I'd like to paint notes
• 54:41
  too, or draw our figure, study the male figure.
• 54:45
  But I do think that the female figure is just more to it's
• 54:51
  just, yeah, it's just chef's kids.
• 54:53
  It's just Chef's. Kids.
• 54:54
  I mean, I I agree. Yeah, but I do think like, I do
• 54:57
  think we need to beautify our men more, like.
• 54:59
  And when I say that, I mean like, we gotta love them more.
• 55:02
  We don't love them enough. We don't love their bodies
• 55:04
  enough. Like at whatever state.
• 55:07
  I feel like OK with women, I mean, yeah, sometimes.
• 55:10
  I mean, there's a lot of hate, body shaming in both instances,
• 55:13
  but like at least, and I don't know, maybe male get, I don't
• 55:17
  know, 'cause I'm not on that side of my algorithm isn't
• 55:19
  there, but I feel like my algorithm will show me different
• 55:25
  figures. And I'm like, yeah, I love
• 55:27
  women, but not gay. No, you appreciate.
• 55:30
  Women, yes, but I but like to say that we're seeing that for
• 55:34
  males, maybe not, you know, like the dad rod or like having to
• 55:38
  look a certain way or being too skinny or being too fat or being
• 55:40
  whatever. Like is that true or I don't
• 55:42
  know, do you guys get like videos of like loving your body
• 55:47
  or no from a male perspective? Or do you get shamed for your
• 55:50
  body? Yeah.
• 55:51
  Or do you get shamed? I'm curious.
• 55:54
  Yeah, I mean, well, I guess we can get shame for our bodies
• 56:01
  just like anybody else. Stuff that comes across like my
• 56:05
  feeds is more like kind of what you're saying, Like, yeah, men
• 56:08
  don't get shown enough love or they don't get complimented
• 56:12
  enough and this and that, and I don't know, I don't notice it
• 56:19
  throughout my day-to-day life. So doesn't like affect you?
• 56:23
  Yeah, I mean, but like men also, we're the hardest creatures to
• 56:30
  get to go to the doctor, to get to go to therapy to.
• 56:34
  We're just stubborn, simple creatures that are satisfied
• 56:38
  easily. What would what would be the
• 56:43
  easy satisfiers? I'm mixing my glitter.
• 56:47
  This is so pretty. I don't know, like, you know,
• 56:49
  like, I mean, like you've probably seen those memes of
• 56:53
  like, you know, oh, a guy can just live in his apartment like
• 56:56
  this with the couch, with the. TV there and there's like.
• 56:58
  Nothing else in there. And we're.
• 57:00
  Perfectly fine. OK, OK.
• 57:02
  I see what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 57:03
  We're simple in in that manner. Like, you know, if I were to
• 57:06
  just cook something for myself versus something for like the
• 57:10
  family or whatever, like it's just something that's going to
• 57:13
  be very simple because it's just feed me and.
• 57:17
  So what's the vibe though? Like how do you curate?
• 57:19
  Do you not curate a vibe in your house?
• 57:21
  Or do you not have a poster or plant that you like to look at
• 57:23
  to make you feel good? I I'm trying to.
• 57:29
  Remember. Not really.
• 57:33
  Like I mean I have like art stuff on the walls like I don't.
• 57:39
  So your house or your place like?
• 57:41
  Own If they're painting, they're yeah, they're paintings.
• 57:43
  But you are expressive though. But like even if your house,
• 57:47
  even if your house or your room isn't like you're expressive,
• 57:49
  but. But your home functions as a
• 57:51
  place functions at a just place for you to sleep and hold your.
• 57:55
  Clothes. What you're saying?
• 57:55
  Like you don't have meaning behind it, not that you don't.
• 57:58
  Have meaning behind your home? No, no, I mean, well, I mean,
• 58:00
  that's just like the meme. Yeah.
• 58:03
  Like, but like men. I'm telling men period, because
• 58:06
  that you're not the only man that lives like that.
• 58:07
  My like my ex, our old house looks exactly how it looked when
• 58:11
  I left, which is kind of sad, but I think it's because like
• 58:13
  women are more thoughtful. So women have a tendency.
• 58:16
  Not every woman decorates their house.
• 58:17
  And if you don't decorate your house, that doesn't make you any
• 58:19
  less of a woman. Just want to say that.
• 58:21
  But what I want to say is like, women want to curate.
• 58:23
  They're literally creators. And I think that that's probably
• 58:26
  why we lean towards like creating a space and curating a
• 58:29
  space, whereas men kind of more see it as a function like this
• 58:33
  functions as this and this. It's like there's a piece of you
• 58:35
  and I think it's like the Mars and the Venus and like there's a
• 58:37
  piece of you that doesn't. But you see it when you look at.
• 58:39
  Women and I think that men all secretly appreciate women, the
• 58:43
  ones that hate women or men. I think the men it's hot take.
• 58:47
  I think the men that hate women want to be women, but not in the
• 58:51
  sense of I want to be a woman and be with a man, but in a
• 58:53
  sense of I want to like see the beautiful things and I want to
• 58:58
  be able to have fun and wear a dress.
• 58:59
  So like they get to women get to express themselves in ways that
• 59:02
  men don't. And I think men are jealous of
• 59:03
  that. And they're like projecting.
• 59:06
  Does that make sense? Yeah.
• 59:07
  Sorry, not to psychoanalyze men, but yeah.
• 59:10
  Yeah, that makes sense. I can And no.
• 59:11
  Yes, I. My moving space I do make it
• 59:14
  functional, but I also. Decorate.
• 59:16
  Yeah, OK. Put rugs down, I got paintings
• 59:18
  on the walls. So it's not beer.
• 59:19
  Not expensive paintings or anything, but you know.
• 59:22
  Paintings. That I like random art stuff
• 59:25
  that I like. And yeah, OK, so it's not beer,
• 59:29
  it's decorated. Yeah.
• 59:30
  OK, cool. I was in my head like thinking
• 59:32
  maybe that I need to listen better next time.
• 59:34
  I thought you would just had a couch and like just like the
• 59:36
  meme, I thought you were agreeing that that was your
• 59:38
  lifestyle. I was like no no, no, that where
• 59:41
  where was. I going with that.
• 59:42
  I was asking like examples of simple yeah.
• 59:45
  Like what are example simple stuff?
• 59:46
  And you're like, OK, like that meme is an example of simple
• 59:49
  stuff. Yeah.
• 59:50
  Or like some men, probably. Could live like that, Would they
• 59:54
  be happy about it? I don't know, but they could.
• 59:56
  Corey has a question. No.
• 59:58
  OK. My house is mayor.
• 1:00:02
  Oh yeah. I'd put up something you love.
• 1:00:04
  You should be surrounded by the things that bring you love.
• 1:00:06
  And I think that you'd be surprised if you made a little
• 1:00:08
  corner with a plant and maybe a picture of your favorite thing.
• 1:00:12
  Why are you? Can I, can I ask why you
• 1:00:14
  wouldn't do that? Because if I have to move, I'm
• 1:00:17
  fucking. Moving, dude, it's 2 seconds.
• 1:00:20
  It's Zissy. You see you.
• 1:00:22
  Know it's the art of detachment. I do enjoy that sounds.
• 1:00:25
  Like the art? Of.
• 1:00:25
  Detachment I do. Enjoy the rugs that I put.
• 1:00:27
  Down, yes. And when I walk on them like.
• 1:00:31
  I'm glad this rug's. Here.
• 1:00:33
  Yeah, you don't have to. You don't.
• 1:00:35
  And I I. Everybody's different and that's
• 1:00:38
  why I want to make sure that everybody knows you can decorate
• 1:00:40
  your space how you want. But like I will say, doing
• 1:00:43
  something you love, even if it's going to take you 30 seconds to
• 1:00:46
  move it or toss it later on, a minute to move it, whatever, you
• 1:00:49
  can do something small that brings you joy.
• 1:00:51
  It's like looking out for future you, you know?
• 1:00:54
  But I do it. I I relate to the art of
• 1:00:56
  detachment there. 'Cause like at work, if I'm at
• 1:01:00
  if I have a actual desk at work, which I used to when my and I
• 1:01:03
  had one even with this one, but I'm mostly remote, but I would
• 1:01:08
  never decorate. So that'd be like, yeah, I want
• 1:01:11
  the day that you fire me. I'm.
• 1:01:13
  Out. Easy.
• 1:01:13
  I don't got to carry nothing. I'm always one step out of here
• 1:01:16
  and my work should know that. So they should value me.
• 1:01:21
  They should always know that I'm.
• 1:01:22
  Valuable because like shit. I'm dipping, Yeah.
• 1:01:25
  I've had a manager to be like, how come you don't put something
• 1:01:28
  on your? Desk like a picture of your
• 1:01:30
  family and I'm like cuz I don't care for you guys to know about
• 1:01:34
  all that about me. Like we just work together.
• 1:01:36
  I'm here to get do my work and get paid.
• 1:01:39
  I mean like I do make relationships with my coworkers
• 1:01:41
  but it's very rare. That I'll get a drink with them.
• 1:01:43
  And it's very rare that, I mean, like now I'm at a point where I
• 1:01:46
  can get a drink with them, but I'm not gonna like be texting
• 1:01:49
  them and be like, hey, let's hang out, you know?
• 1:01:51
  Yeah, yeah, it's pretty rare that I do have Co workers like
• 1:01:53
  that. I mean, I do kind of now, but
• 1:01:55
  like, it's pretty rare. I don't really cross that line.
• 1:01:58
  Yeah. But you know, I don't need
• 1:01:59
  everybody else that I'm not like.
• 1:02:01
  You know, as close with that word, that's that you make a
• 1:02:03
  correct point. Like you have a Becky, a Stacy.
• 1:02:06
  A Carmen, A Lewis, A Sean, A Grant.
• 1:02:13
  And it's like, maybe you're only cool with what?
• 1:02:17
  The only name out of that that I think would be cool is like
• 1:02:20
  Carmen. So like, I don't know, they got
• 1:02:22
  some C words that are Carmen's. Oh yeah.
• 1:02:24
  That's the C in the Carmen. I'm just kidding.
• 1:02:28
  It's Carmen with. AK.
• 1:02:29
  It's with an AK, Yeah, so. What I'm saying is like.
• 1:02:33
  Carmen. I wouldn't mind if she.
• 1:02:34
  Saw my stuff, but then like the the rest maybe I would so that's
• 1:02:38
  also fair make a very valid point.
• 1:02:41
  That's OK. You don't have to.
• 1:02:41
  Yeah. I mean, it's your job, I mean.
• 1:02:43
  If you don't want to decorate your desk, you don't have to.
• 1:02:45
  Your house is different, y'all? That's true.
• 1:02:47
  Not to say to decorate your house, but I'm saying like your
• 1:02:49
  house is where you wake up, it's where you're vulnerable.
• 1:02:51
  You sleep there, you are your most vulnerable, there you're
• 1:02:55
  not. Unless you sleep during work and
• 1:02:57
  you're on your on your. Desk.
• 1:02:58
  Then you're very vulnerable, but like at home, you retreat.
• 1:03:01
  You're naked there, true. You know, tits and pits and ass.
• 1:03:05
  Out. All the time, really.
• 1:03:07
  Wait, wait, wait. So are we gonna, are we gonna do
• 1:03:10
  her now? Right now.
• 1:03:13
  Right now. That was.
• 1:03:15
  Not in the agreement, but. I'm I mean.
• 1:03:18
  I'm here, I know. Do the thing.
• 1:03:22
  Where? You.
• 1:03:24
  What she could look like, yeah. Like paint me as a.
• 1:03:27
  Like if you were casting me for a character.
• 1:03:29
  Like who my character is. Yeah.
• 1:03:31
  So you're like from like some Caribbean?
• 1:03:33
  Island, I told you. And.
• 1:03:40
  You spend some of your time on. The islands.
• 1:03:42
  But then sometimes you spend. Your time working on writing
• 1:03:46
  your books in the forest in a log cabin, hippie.
• 1:03:51
  I'm like an island. Hippie girl.
• 1:03:53
  I love that. Yeah, OK.
• 1:03:56
  Does she have? A partner or she does.
• 1:03:57
  Oh yeah, what's? You have to give me this this
• 1:03:58
  fill. Man, I can't think of that right
• 1:04:01
  now. I.
• 1:04:02
  Know you have a coconut tree in your backyard, so coconuts are
• 1:04:05
  on deck. Coconuts not in in this life.
• 1:04:09
  That's why they're on deck and just give them to everybody.
• 1:04:11
  I use them as weapons. That too.
• 1:04:13
  Oh, OK. He does.
• 1:04:15
  He's like you give them to. Someone I use.
• 1:04:17
  Them as weapons. You ever been hit with a
• 1:04:19
  coconut? I bet she wouldn't.
• 1:04:21
  Remember if you did. Oh my God.
• 1:04:26
  OK, so Speaking of, you know, like building up the right theme
• 1:04:29
  building. Up that, you know that place
• 1:04:32
  where you're feeling good. You have been really into event
• 1:04:36
  planning lately. And like I, I said, intimate
• 1:04:38
  sores, but like, I feel like that's how you describe them.
• 1:04:41
  You're not saying the word event.
• 1:04:43
  You're like, Nah, they're cool places.
• 1:04:45
  So they're like sores and I'm curating the whole vibe.
• 1:04:48
  That's how I felt when I, when we ran into each other at coffee
• 1:04:51
  days, ran into each other. I stalked her and I stalked me
• 1:04:54
  and I stalked her me. Who was?
• 1:04:59
  It and then later we got married.
• 1:05:02
  But she's so detached. Wow.
• 1:05:06
  So or not. Detached.
• 1:05:07
  What's it called? Distant.
• 1:05:08
  Distant. I'd be the.
• 1:05:09
  Distant one. You're the one that has
• 1:05:11
  completed the story. Yeah, that's we find each other.
• 1:05:16
  We find each other. So I leave.
• 1:05:18
  I leave my corporate wife or she finds someone like me.
• 1:05:23
  Yeah, I guess you leave your corporate client go.
• 1:05:25
  Join her on the island. I like that story.
• 1:05:27
  I. Like how my story is.
• 1:05:28
  Evolving I. Really like that we're lesbians.
• 1:05:31
  I love it. I'm a lesbian with you.
• 1:05:33
  I mean, I'm in love with you. You guys know that from Scott
• 1:05:35
  Pilgrim? No.
• 1:05:36
  OK, it's been a long. Time since I've seen that movie.
• 1:05:39
  It's been a while since I've seen it too.
• 1:05:40
  Good movie. It's a good movie.
• 1:05:42
  But yeah, so your intimate intimate soiree is that, I mean
• 1:05:45
  are with like 300 people or less sometimes.
• 1:05:48
  OK, yes, I'm like sorry. OK, so.
• 1:05:53
  You're this is a long story, y'all.
• 1:05:56
  I like doing things until I fail or not even until I fail.
• 1:06:01
  I because I never fail, you know, I fell forward.
• 1:06:03
  I just like doing as many things as possible.
• 1:06:05
  And I think that's ADHD low key. I just hyperfixate on different
• 1:06:08
  tasks and different things. But I'm also I'm a smart gal and
• 1:06:11
  so I remember and have a good memory everything.
• 1:06:13
  And so I just kind of build these tools in my toolbox, blah,
• 1:06:16
  blah, on to the next thing. I love trying things out and
• 1:06:21
  seeing if I'm going to be successful.
• 1:06:23
  I also love problem solving my issue that I think with the
• 1:06:27
  community in which talk, I think could be resolved by creating
• 1:06:30
  spaces where people are connecting.
• 1:06:32
  And so I like to make events, specifically curate events for
• 1:06:37
  people within the 25 to 35 year old range in Wichita, KS.
• 1:06:41
  Because a lot of those people are leaving and then coming back
• 1:06:44
  later when they have a wife and husband or whatever.
• 1:06:47
  My kid and then they lived a small life but I really want.
• 1:06:50
  To focus on. The 25 to 35 year olds, because
• 1:06:52
  a lot is happening in Wichita and a lot has happened in
• 1:06:54
  Wichita and we're forgetting about these people who are
• 1:06:56
  misrepresented and underrepresented.
• 1:07:00
  I want them to feel like they have a space for them in Wichita
• 1:07:03
  to make them stay like an anchor.
• 1:07:05
  And I think that that is community.
• 1:07:07
  That is connection. And so I kind of tested it out
• 1:07:11
  at Douglas Social for a Valentine's Day event.
• 1:07:15
  Helena, my friend, she was like, I want to do an all girls thing.
• 1:07:20
  And I was like, yeah, let's do it.
• 1:07:21
  I'm down to try anything. And then I got carried away on
• 1:07:25
  like the decorating on the, like I made the, I think I made the
• 1:07:29
  flyer. Like I can't remember now.
• 1:07:31
  I think I made the flyer, but I did all of it.
• 1:07:33
  I printed it out, made a little cocktail menu.
• 1:07:35
  It was a really good event. It was so beautifully crafted
• 1:07:39
  that people were like, Oh my gosh.
• 1:07:41
  Like it looked like a professional did it.
• 1:07:43
  Yeah. And so and I did it with ease,
• 1:07:45
  like I did it it. Was fun it.
• 1:07:47
  Like it came to me naturally and I got people to help me and not
• 1:07:50
  only did they help me like make the decorations, we got to hang
• 1:07:55
  out while we were making the decorations.
• 1:07:57
  So it was like there was connection, building connection.
• 1:08:00
  And so it was just to the root. It was just connecting.
• 1:08:03
  I I was like, I like this. I want to try this again.
• 1:08:06
  And so I was like, maybe I like the decorating part.
• 1:08:08
  I can do house parties. And so I did.
• 1:08:10
  I did too. I do not like house parties at
• 1:08:13
  my house. Yeah, I like being able.
• 1:08:16
  I'm I'm moving stuff out too. So I get it, it's just an
• 1:08:19
  intimate space and I just don't want that many.
• 1:08:21
  People in my intimate space because to me, my house is
• 1:08:24
  intimacy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:08:25
  Only only cool people are at my house, so never mind.
• 1:08:28
  But you But they were all cool. They were all cool.
• 1:08:30
  It was kind of people I knew, but it's just.
• 1:08:33
  I need to be able to cleanse the energy.
• 1:08:34
  And I think my energy is curated to me.
• 1:08:36
  And so when I have multiple people in my energy, it, it kind
• 1:08:40
  of makes it like I have to sage. It just makes it overwhelming.
• 1:08:43
  Like, you know, when you're hanging out with people or
• 1:08:44
  you're around people and you just need a break and you need
• 1:08:46
  to like just go rot in your room to recharge.
• 1:08:49
  I need to be able to make sure my house is that way.
• 1:08:52
  And having multiple people in my house makes me feel like I
• 1:08:55
  can't. Their energy is still lingering.
• 1:08:56
  Does that make sense? No, I totally get it.
• 1:08:59
  Yeah, that's why that's happening.
• 1:09:01
  Yeah, exactly. I had a revelation.
• 1:09:03
  Just did you? Oh I love.
• 1:09:05
  It. OK, OK, I need a sage again.
• 1:09:07
  I haven't saged in a while. Yes, you need a sage.
• 1:09:09
  Open the Windows Sage again. I'm telling you guys, I.
• 1:09:13
  Anyways, back to the events. Because I will go on a tangent,
• 1:09:17
  I like doing it and so my first one was my birthday.
• 1:09:19
  Party and. I did a tomato themed birthday
• 1:09:21
  party and it was basically like a Spanish like think no not
• 1:09:24
  Spanish like Italian summer tomatoes, fresh tomato salad
• 1:09:28
  like just I wanted it to be to be really cute and red and and I
• 1:09:32
  wanted to decorate my house blah blah.
• 1:09:35
  I made a Pinterest. Board.
• 1:09:37
  Started there and. I was like, oh, I like.
• 1:09:38
  This I like this. I'm literally creating like a
• 1:09:41
  vision and I'm like, oh, I love it, the aesthetics.
• 1:09:44
  And so I had friends help me do the same thing that we basically
• 1:09:47
  did with Douglas social at my house, made decorations and OK,
• 1:09:51
  I had a DJ at my house and it was amazing.
• 1:09:54
  It was curated, it was girly, it was it was like the vibes were a
• 1:09:57
  beautiful Immaculate. And so I broke it into two
• 1:09:59
  things. Because I I am not rich, not
• 1:10:02
  yet, and I did not want to spin. I know this.
• 1:10:06
  Is fake wood too so I'm really scared.
• 1:10:07
  It's OK, we'll find some. OK.
• 1:10:09
  Yeah, we have some over there, I think, I think.
• 1:10:11
  That door. Oh, yeah.
• 1:10:12
  Good, good. Yeah, we got options.
• 1:10:13
  Oh, thank God. OK, but basically.
• 1:10:15
  I wanted to do a party. But I also wanted to do a day
• 1:10:18
  party for my birthday. So I had friends that didn't
• 1:10:20
  want to go to the night time thing come early.
• 1:10:22
  And it was more like a potluck, bring a tomato dish, which was
• 1:10:27
  really smart because we only could eat so much.
• 1:10:29
  And I had like 10 girls come, 11:50, girls come before.
• 1:10:33
  And then we basically had 12 dishes.
• 1:10:35
  And then we didn't eat all of it.
• 1:10:36
  People came at night and it was from like 10 to like 2:00 AM.
• 1:10:40
  And then all that food was left there.
• 1:10:43
  And so we had the girlies were allowed, were able to eat and
• 1:10:46
  drink and then go home. Yeah.
• 1:10:47
  It was like perfect. Yeah.
• 1:10:48
  Anyways, did that. And then I also did another one
• 1:10:50
  that was Venus. Yes, Venus party.
• 1:10:53
  I decorated my house but I don't like doing it in my house so I
• 1:10:57
  did all those things because I'm testing out my limits to see
• 1:11:00
  what I can do. I truly enjoy curating events
• 1:11:03
  but tuned the core. I want a space where 25 to 35
• 1:11:06
  year olds feel like they can hang out.
• 1:11:07
  Like that's a whole thing that's not related to events.
• 1:11:10
  That's my passion I think in Wichita, not necessarily events.
• 1:11:14
  I think I'm just good at events and I have fun with it.
• 1:11:16
  But I there's your passion is in building community within that
• 1:11:19
  age range. Yeah, I'm looking for my man
• 1:11:21
  y'all. And he's got to be in that age
• 1:11:24
  range because if he's older than that.
• 1:11:26
  I'm 20. 8 Why don't you want to build a 28 year old, you know,
• 1:11:31
  maybe people. Are way older so that we can't
• 1:11:33
  say what. Well, not way older.
• 1:11:36
  Older. We already.
• 1:11:38
  We've already talked. We.
• 1:11:39
  Did it in, I did it in the last episode.
• 1:11:42
  The Max, the Max he's got already cut my shit out.
• 1:11:45
  The Max was like 12 years. 12 OK, so.
• 1:11:47
  I think so. What year?
• 1:11:48
  What age did you? Date him and how so 12 years
• 1:11:51
  plus that like what age I was. 262727 And he was 39.
• 1:12:00
  He was 41. No, he had he was going to turn
• 1:12:07
  40 or had just turned 41. OK, that's not too bad.
• 1:12:10
  What? How did that end?
• 1:12:12
  Good. It was very healthy, OK.
• 1:12:14
  I mean, I don't think that's. Bad, I think.
• 1:12:15
  When I think older, I think like.
• 1:12:17
  The oldest person I went on a date with was 42.
• 1:12:20
  And then it made sense that that would never work, ever.
• 1:12:25
  And I was just kind of dating. Like, I'm not dating, but I was
• 1:12:29
  dating and just kind of like just seeing what was out there.
• 1:12:33
  Not much. It makes so much fun here.
• 1:12:40
  Yeah, I'm having so much fun. Totally.
• 1:12:45
  OK. I'm sorry.
• 1:12:48
  I love men. I do, I think the.
• 1:12:51
  Most I've gone up in age is 6. Years.
• 1:12:53
  Oh, OK, OK. Didn't really date older from
• 1:12:56
  you. Yeah.
• 1:12:57
  Really, she wanted. To date I didn't.
• 1:12:58
  Really want to date OK. Well, she was.
• 1:13:02
  She was probably looking for like.
• 1:13:03
  Stability and like to settle down possibly you think maybe
• 1:13:07
  why didn't you want a date? It's OK, I don't.
• 1:13:11
  Want a date right now? What was?
• 1:13:14
  I'm just laughing because it's just.
• 1:13:15
  Be probably. Just a one night stand and.
• 1:13:19
  But why? Because you weren't looking for
• 1:13:21
  that. Yeah, he wasn't looking for.
• 1:13:23
  The stability, right? Imagine yeah, like you weren't
• 1:13:26
  looking to get into a relationship.
• 1:13:28
  You just said it. Was supposed to be a one night
• 1:13:30
  stand. Yeah.
• 1:13:30
  Yeah. You weren't looking for that.
• 1:13:32
  And then she probably was looking for whatever else that
• 1:13:34
  you're like, Oh no, I would just want to have this.
• 1:13:37
  Yeah, but like, I'm very sorry. I liked, I asked the wise.
• 1:13:41
  So much to where? I feel like I break things
• 1:13:43
  apart, but it's just how my brain has to work.
• 1:13:46
  Apologize. I wonder, like, what were you
• 1:13:48
  feeling in that moment? Did you just not click with her,
• 1:13:50
  you think? Or were you in a mental space to
• 1:13:53
  where you did? You wouldn't have dated anybody.
• 1:13:56
  Bad questions. So I'm like I need to.
• 1:14:00
  Know I feel like. It's a little bit of both, but
• 1:14:02
  a. Lot of it was.
• 1:14:03
  Because her all, I mean, she didn't live here in town when
• 1:14:09
  she came into town for work, the type of work she was doing.
• 1:14:18
  OK. And you don't.
• 1:14:19
  You don't have to go. You don't have to.
• 1:14:20
  Go the route of like her like. What were you feeling that made
• 1:14:23
  you kind of realize you didn't agree with Summer?
• 1:14:26
  Like you had to feel something you feel.
• 1:14:28
  Something physical like. When, when, When I met her, I
• 1:14:30
  wasn't. Out that night to meet anybody,
• 1:14:33
  right? And you know, you weren't doing
• 1:14:35
  that with the intense. Yeah.
• 1:14:37
  Yeah. OK.
• 1:14:39
  But you just didn't. Like you didn't.
• 1:14:41
  I mean. You don't have to put this on
• 1:14:43
  there, but at the end of the day, you didn't really like her
• 1:14:45
  like that and that's completely fine.
• 1:14:47
  Doesn't really, that doesn't make you the problem.
• 1:14:50
  I just wanted. To know your mindset because.
• 1:14:53
  Those are what a lot of women are going through, where they
• 1:14:56
  are trying to read your mind and instead of me just asking you,
• 1:15:00
  like, what's going on? And you say, I don't know what
• 1:15:01
  it is. I just don't feel it.
• 1:15:02
  Yeah. We're questioning what what
• 1:15:04
  what's happening. And then men are just not
• 1:15:06
  telling because sometimes I maybe sometimes we just, you
• 1:15:09
  know. We just want to get our swerve
• 1:15:11
  on, and we feel like we can't just outright say it without
• 1:15:16
  potentially offending the other person.
• 1:15:19
  Yeah, that's fair. Are you like, do you want to get
• 1:15:22
  married? Do you want to have a partner
• 1:15:24
  long term and at what age did you like make that change?
• 1:15:28
  I got married last December. OK, OK.
• 1:15:33
  How old are you? Can I?
• 1:15:34
  Ask I just. Turned 39.
• 1:15:38
  OK. OK.
• 1:15:39
  OK. Yeah, we're outside of your
• 1:15:41
  range. Range.
• 1:15:41
  Well, dusty is I'm so in the age range.
• 1:15:43
  Oh well, he's married. He's outside of ranges for many
• 1:15:45
  reasons, no? I'm talking about.
• 1:15:47
  I'm talking about your events. You're. 25 to 35 dating pools?
• 1:15:50
  No, I'm talking about your 2530 year old.
• 1:15:52
  Oh no, by the way, events are open.
• 1:15:54
  You're only as old as you. Think you are Yeah.
• 1:15:56
  My the event heart. He's 21 just yeah.
• 1:15:59
  No, I'm not saying oh, you for. Not between these.
• 1:16:01
  That's probably 20. 4 here in these streets and I think.
• 1:16:04
  You're 23 or 24. Your passion is different.
• 1:16:06
  Yeah, I think you're 20. 3 or 24 but not 20.
• 1:16:08
  One, because you don't drink like you're 21.
• 1:16:10
  I think it's like my events by the.
• 1:16:13
  Way I don't know what this is going to turn into, but I'm just
• 1:16:15
  kind of going with the flow They are for anybody.
• 1:16:18
  I mean, literally, if your soul likes the music, if they like
• 1:16:21
  the vibe, then you should be there.
• 1:16:24
  Try it out. See, because it's just about
• 1:16:26
  connection and connection doesn't have an age range
• 1:16:28
  dating. I got an age range, but yeah,
• 1:16:32
  yeah. What about yours then?
• 1:16:33
  I'm curious about where are. Your wise or where are you like
• 1:16:38
  where do you start to question something?
• 1:16:39
  Do we want to go down this? I don't want to share my shit.
• 1:16:42
  Never mind we're switching topics.
• 1:16:44
  I know cuz I don't want I like to ask questions.
• 1:16:46
  I love asking questions. Yeah, and yepping.
• 1:16:48
  OK. Fine, we can talk about it.
• 1:16:49
  Go you wanna? What was the question?
• 1:16:52
  Yeah, I guess. You know, OK, so we were still
• 1:16:54
  trying. To like grill dusty.
• 1:16:55
  About what do men feel when they're detached?
• 1:16:58
  So what do women feel when we're detached to?
• 1:17:02
  Do you mean detached? Like why do?
• 1:17:04
  You think a woman would be detached?
• 1:17:05
  From a man yeah. Like in a dating situation yeah.
• 1:17:08
  Like an avoidant maybe. OK no, not avoidant.
• 1:17:10
  Like at what point do so like? Guys maybe want to say like, oh,
• 1:17:14
  that was just we were gonna just only have sex.
• 1:17:16
  Where do we get that? Yeah, like what do we do where
• 1:17:20
  we don't want to say the thing or what's the feeling where,
• 1:17:25
  yeah, we feel that detachment? I think for me it's like right
• 1:17:28
  away that like if I, I need to have like a deep conversation,
• 1:17:32
  because for me it's not just physical attraction that's ever
• 1:17:35
  going to do it for me. Like I need to be able to have
• 1:17:37
  like tangents and lots. Like I value dialogue.
• 1:17:42
  And by that I mean like, I agree with you.
• 1:17:44
  Like I don't, I don't want to read between the lines.
• 1:17:47
  We are adults. Please say it with your chest
• 1:17:50
  and I will purposely ignore you. If you are trying like
• 1:17:54
  purposely, like, ignore the fact that you're trying to like, you
• 1:17:58
  know, mix in like little frilly words.
• 1:18:00
  It's like, no. Be direct 'cause I don't know
• 1:18:03
  what the fuck you're saying. Literally get to the point.
• 1:18:05
  Yeah, like literally 'cause then I'm always like.
• 1:18:07
  OK, so you want this? But you mean that or you want
• 1:18:11
  what? Can you just say it again?
• 1:18:13
  Just tell me. Just tell me.
• 1:18:15
  I agree that some people are. More like.
• 1:18:17
  You know, be be a little more like thoughtful in the way that
• 1:18:21
  you're delivering the message. And I do agree with that.
• 1:18:23
  I mean don't be a Dick to me but but like I do think that some
• 1:18:27
  people do. Like the sugar coating more.
• 1:18:30
  But that's just my personality. Can't like men are such holding
• 1:18:34
  it for women. No, like people.
• 1:18:36
  Some people appreciate directness, and some people
• 1:18:40
  appreciate being kind, like softening the.
• 1:18:45
  Impact. Softening the impact.
• 1:18:47
  I think we should all soften the impact to everybody and I think
• 1:18:49
  you could still be direct and soften the impact.
• 1:18:52
  Yeah, yeah. But I think that there.
• 1:18:56
  There is those two and then like some people are like.
• 1:18:58
  One or the other, you know. What I'm saying like they no, I
• 1:19:01
  don't know. I don't.
• 1:19:02
  I can't imagine. Yes, I know what you're saying,
• 1:19:04
  but I can't imagine it. Like, I don't, My brain doesn't
• 1:19:07
  think like that. So like I'm trying to make that
• 1:19:09
  up in my head to see how somebody else would feel it, but
• 1:19:11
  I can't relate to it. Yeah.
• 1:19:15
  So what do you feel when you're when?
• 1:19:16
  You're like. I want to say this but I.
• 1:19:18
  Don't want to or like you're just not interested in this
• 1:19:20
  dude. I'm very direct, yeah.
• 1:19:22
  Or like I'm direct, yeah. I'm direct.
• 1:19:24
  I'm extremely direct. I'm like, I don't, I don't ghost
• 1:19:26
  people. Yeah, I do ghost people, but not
• 1:19:28
  on purpose. Yeah, well, I ghost them
• 1:19:29
  because. I gotta do you guys want to
• 1:19:32
  guess how many messages? I have on my phone right now
• 1:19:34
  that are open. Or unopened.
• 1:19:36
  Are you like you like those numbers?
• 1:19:38
  I hate those numbers. I'm at 800 and. 30 I was only
• 1:19:40
  going to guess like 35. No.
• 1:19:42
  Why don't you delete them? Because I.
• 1:19:43
  Have to go to read. Them all.
• 1:19:46
  It doesn't sound like you're going to.
• 1:19:48
  I'm not, but like I. Like I like keeping a catalog so
• 1:19:51
  that way. If somebody texts me and I, I.
• 1:19:53
  Remember the last interaction we had to remember what happened,
• 1:19:57
  you know, Or like what if there's a picture like I'm kind
• 1:19:59
  of a hoarder, like with memories almost, but I have I have
• 1:20:03
  terrible memory, but good memory at the same same time.
• 1:20:05
  It's weird, but but what was the question?
• 1:20:08
  I could forget. I was going off on the tangent.
• 1:20:12
  Yeah, when you're not interested or when you're detached.
• 1:20:14
  What more like what attracts me? Like, yeah, I mean, I guess you
• 1:20:19
  were just. Already saying that like you
• 1:20:21
  would. Be.
• 1:20:21
  Direct with them, you would tell them that you're not interested,
• 1:20:24
  right? And then?
• 1:20:25
  But what is it that tells you that that's not it?
• 1:20:28
  Oh, if I don't. Feel it?
• 1:20:29
  What's the feeling? What's the physical?
• 1:20:32
  What's? The physical feeling.
• 1:20:33
  Or the emotional. Feeling when you like warmth
• 1:20:38
  like you could feel it like. For me, everything is energy.
• 1:20:40
  Actually, for the universe, everything is technically
• 1:20:42
  energy, but technically we're all energy.
• 1:20:44
  Literally energy up. Here we're just a bunch of
• 1:20:47
  atoms. Yep, we sure are spinning on a.
• 1:20:51
  Rock. Giant rock.
• 1:20:53
  Yeah, I feel like. For me, everything's energy.
• 1:20:56
  So I am very empathetic. When I feel a connection,
• 1:20:59
  there's probably me, like, it's like a soul connection, which
• 1:21:03
  has never ever really happened to me.
• 1:21:04
  I've only had it happen like maybe kind of one time.
• 1:21:06
  And even then it's me falling in love with like, the reflection
• 1:21:09
  of myself. Yeah, but get that right.
• 1:21:12
  And it's like, so I am open to finding that right now.
• 1:21:17
  I'm just not. I haven't found it and I'm not
• 1:21:22
  scared that I won't find it. Does that make sense?
• 1:21:24
  Yeah, it does 100%. Yeah.
• 1:21:26
  It's like where you're. And you're not going to do it
• 1:21:29
  just because you're afraid that it's not going to happen to you.
• 1:21:31
  Yeah, but you're also like, I just haven't found it yet.
• 1:21:34
  And I think the right person will if you have that mindset,
• 1:21:37
  Male. Or female or anything.
• 1:21:39
  Everywhere I think that you find the person who really
• 1:21:44
  appreciates you, and I think that that's beautiful and that's
• 1:21:46
  what connection should be. But I don't know.
• 1:21:49
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 1:21:50
  What do you? What do we?
• 1:21:51
  Know. Yeah, I think I've only had one
• 1:21:52
  of those. Soul connections.
• 1:21:55
  You're wine in my life. You're life.
• 1:21:57
  It is not my wife. Are we cutting this?
• 1:22:01
  It's our queen. It's our Queen.
• 1:22:05
  I mean, she doesn't understand. English yet, so it's fine.
• 1:22:08
  What language? She's back in the home.
• 1:22:11
  Country. In Laos, OK.
• 1:22:13
  I love that. Actually I really appreciate.
• 1:22:15
  And I respect even if you wanted to have a white girl or
• 1:22:18
  whatever, I really appreciate you.
• 1:22:20
  Like, it sounds like you appreciate your culture.
• 1:22:23
  And so you like something and you like wanted to get part of
• 1:22:25
  your culture again in your life. Yeah.
• 1:22:27
  Yeah. Because I think growing up here
• 1:22:30
  in. Kansas, like, I mean, both my
• 1:22:32
  parents are loud and like, you know, I grew up in the culture,
• 1:22:36
  but also having to grow up in America at the same time.
• 1:22:41
  Do you feel that disconnect? Kind of, Yeah.
• 1:22:43
  There's like a disconnect and like.
• 1:22:45
  It's like being biracial. Kind of.
• 1:22:46
  But yeah, you always, you always feel like you're.
• 1:22:49
  I'm not from here. But I'm not from over there.
• 1:22:53
  Yeah, but you're from both. And that's like that's not.
• 1:22:56
  Enough for both. Oh, for whose standards?
• 1:22:58
  I mean, it's the. Same biracial stuff that you're
• 1:23:00
  saying. Exactly whose standards?
• 1:23:02
  Yeah, yeah. No, no, we're just explaining.
• 1:23:05
  The feeling, yeah, No. No, I get it.
• 1:23:06
  And then like, yeah, I, I like, it's like the.
• 1:23:08
  Entity. Like issues?
• 1:23:10
  Yeah, yeah. Well, sorry, I'm very and then
• 1:23:12
  until until we get. It's OK until we.
• 1:23:14
  Finally are. Like, cuz it's kind of like, you
• 1:23:16
  know, I go over there and they're like, oh, you're
• 1:23:18
  American. Even though you can speak the
• 1:23:20
  language and understand us and duh, duh, duh.
• 1:23:22
  It's like, well, yeah, cuz I wasn't born here and I don't
• 1:23:26
  live here. Sure.
• 1:23:28
  I'm an American. Cuz that's where I.
• 1:23:30
  Was born and that's where I live yeah.
• 1:23:32
  But yeah, I'm still like, I still got loud blood in me.
• 1:23:36
  Mm Hmm. Yeah.
• 1:23:38
  Would you say you're Laos? Because there's Laotian.
• 1:23:41
  And Laos, and I know like Laos, same thing.
• 1:23:44
  It's the same thing, same thing. OK, Yeah, it's OK.
• 1:23:46
  It's the. Same thing Laos and.
• 1:23:47
  Laotia is the same. Country well, so it's.
• 1:23:49
  Like being it's in America versus being an American.
• 1:23:53
  But I thought. There was two countries.
• 1:23:55
  I think you're thinking Thailand is right now it's like.
• 1:23:59
  Ethiopia and Ethiopian. Maybe you think of it like that.
• 1:24:04
  Canada. Yeah.
• 1:24:05
  I'm telling y'all I'm telling y'all I I'm gonna.
• 1:24:08
  Figure it out. I'm gonna figure it out, guys.
• 1:24:11
  So Laos is the country. Yes, yes, yes.
• 1:24:12
  I know every ocean. Is the national, I'm thinking
• 1:24:16
  yes, but the nationality in the sense too, because you guys
• 1:24:20
  don't have the because you don't sorry.
• 1:24:22
  Like so for America, right, or the US, so the United States,
• 1:24:27
  but you're an American, which has English as the language.
• 1:24:30
  So like we are talking about the country, the nationality and
• 1:24:33
  then the language. But Laos doesn't have.
• 1:24:35
  They only have the country and the language, which they mix
• 1:24:39
  into the nationality. So Laotian, right?
• 1:24:42
  I don't know. I'm over here explaining yours.
• 1:24:44
  I don't know. Yeah.
• 1:24:45
  It's like I completely understand.
• 1:24:47
  What I'm saying is I. I swear there is a name of a
• 1:24:51
  country that is very similar to Laos, but it's a word.
• 1:24:54
  It like when I was younger, I would always get these two
• 1:24:57
  countries mixed up. And I'm trying to think of that
• 1:24:59
  country and I want to say it's Laosha, but it's not Laosha,
• 1:25:02
  obviously, because Laos Laotian, oh, that other place the.
• 1:25:07
  The I. See what you're saying?
• 1:25:09
  Come on, get a map, please. This is gonna you guys, I'm
• 1:25:11
  telling you. I'm not crazy.
• 1:25:14
  Yeah, no, I I am pretty curious, right?
• 1:25:16
  Like I'm. Thinking of.
• 1:25:18
  Are we allowed to take a now we're.
• 1:25:19
  Looking. At this shit.
• 1:25:21
  Man. I have to yell.
• 1:25:26
  We used to man and that's. In our old space.
• 1:25:29
  That's when it was really cool, guys, when we used to be able to
• 1:25:31
  just cast everything on the TV and be like and bring up your
• 1:25:35
  your high school pictures. That was fun.
• 1:25:37
  But what the fuck am I looking up?
• 1:25:39
  But I know what you're trying to say.
• 1:25:42
  You know what, I think it's really close to it too.
• 1:25:45
  They What are you guys typing? Into into your stuff.
• 1:25:48
  Spelling. Sorry, I know it's poisoning in
• 1:25:55
  a whole city. It sucks.
• 1:25:57
  Are you thinking of Lativa, Latvia?
• 1:26:00
  Lat not no. That what I say.
• 1:26:03
  Lativa Desk. That's my cousin.
• 1:26:09
  I don't know y'all maybe? Oh my God, I've jumped timelines
• 1:26:11
  this is not. This is real.
• 1:26:13
  A different timeline had a different guys, I'm telling.
• 1:26:18
  You guys stop. Stop.
• 1:26:20
  Lithuania. Lithuania.
• 1:26:24
  God, I can't pronounce shit. It's like, it's like we're
• 1:26:29
  filling in the parts where where Emily is not here because
• 1:26:33
  suddenly I can't pronounce anything I want to say on a map.
• 1:26:40
  I'm telling you guys I want to say on a map.
• 1:26:43
  I always saw an L word next to Laos.
• 1:26:47
  Always. OK, No, I have no idea.
• 1:26:50
  Yeah. That's OK.
• 1:26:52
  Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter, doesn't matter.
• 1:26:54
  Anyways, I could have been making.
• 1:26:55
  That up. That was a made-up.
• 1:26:56
  Memory. What's the?
• 1:26:57
  Other triad part that would be connected to all this for you.
• 1:27:01
  Autism. What do you mean?
• 1:27:03
  I got that shit. All of it.
• 1:27:05
  Acoustic Acoustics. That I.
• 1:27:09
  Just like to make never. Mind all I.
• 1:27:11
  See, I'm very literal. I see.
• 1:27:13
  That's the. Autism.
• 1:27:15
  That's the autism. It literally is guys I please
• 1:27:17
  understand and I don't. My therapist makes this ADHD,
• 1:27:21
  and I'm going to go with that. But it's a triad.
• 1:27:24
  People literally with autism cannot think the way that other
• 1:27:28
  people think. They and then they have to mask
• 1:27:30
  it. Yeah, I hate masking.
• 1:27:32
  I'm over right now. See.
• 1:27:33
  OK, there we go. Are you autistic?
• 1:27:35
  No, I'm mostly. Talking about the anxiety and
• 1:27:37
  depression. Oh.
• 1:27:39
  That's in the triad, y'all. I wanted to talk about your.
• 1:27:43
  Fashion takes and. All of your like, the fact that
• 1:27:47
  you're always just you, you really kill a theme, like you're
• 1:27:51
  really good at that. And then I mean again, she
• 1:27:55
  wouldn't change clothes. I did.
• 1:27:57
  I was hot. It's all I had in my car.
• 1:27:58
  I didn't have any. I actually went to go try.
• 1:27:59
  To support local and I try to go buy a shirt.
• 1:28:02
  You did. I did and they didn't have
• 1:28:03
  anything under like 30 bucks. And I said guys, I can't do
• 1:28:05
  this. But I'm not rich right now.
• 1:28:08
  Not not rich yet. Yet.
• 1:28:12
  It's always. Every time.
• 1:28:13
  You know I'm not rich comma yet, right?
• 1:28:17
  Yeah. You know, the music artist
• 1:28:18
  Santigold? Yeah.
• 1:28:20
  That's the vibe you're giving off.
• 1:28:21
  I don't know, eclectic, kind of like European.
• 1:28:26
  Yeah, yeah, I love. Well, I think Europe has a lot
• 1:28:31
  of culture and it's like, it's a lot of culture.
• 1:28:35
  It's old. Europe is like old.
• 1:28:37
  Oh yeah, it's how old? That's what I like about Europe
• 1:28:40
  and Europeans like they're. It's like.
• 1:28:42
  Centuries and like millenniums, I don't know what you would call
• 1:28:45
  them. Somebody knows it of culture,
• 1:28:47
  and it's like it just eventually kept going and made these
• 1:28:50
  people. So I think it's just kind of
• 1:28:52
  cool. Yeah, this is the first time
• 1:28:55
  that's happened. Wow, this is the first time.
• 1:29:00
  Yeah, this is the first time that's happened.
• 1:29:02
  Who is this? It's it's downstairs or
• 1:29:05
  downstairs neighbors. Yeah, maybe.
• 1:29:08
  Wait, that's. What?
• 1:29:08
  That's what our assumption is. It goes away.
• 1:29:10
  Can they hear every now you have background noise?
• 1:29:13
  Yeah. Is that good or bad for you
• 1:29:15
  guys? It's.
• 1:29:16
  Fine. Yeah, OK.
• 1:29:18
  We've had it. I can.
• 1:29:19
  Sometimes I can. Do some.
• 1:29:22
  Magic and wipe it out because he's a producer?
• 1:29:26
  Depends. I love.
• 1:29:27
  That you. Were going.
• 1:29:30
  To tell the story. Of the first soul.
• 1:29:32
  Connection you had but and you were comfortable about it and
• 1:29:35
  now that I brought it up you probably aren't as comfortable
• 1:29:37
  to speak about it but I would love to hear it I'd love to hear
• 1:29:41
  the story I want to hear about your soul bond and why it didn't
• 1:29:45
  work out if you're OK with sharing her she.
• 1:29:52
  Maybe I wasn't her soul bond, but when we dated, she had
• 1:29:58
  gotten out of a long relationship with her high
• 1:30:02
  school sweetheart, essentially, you know, decades long.
• 1:30:07
  And then I guess I was just there for the break and then
• 1:30:11
  they got back together eventually.
• 1:30:12
  Oh, they got back together. That sucks.
• 1:30:16
  But I never felt anything like that before or since her.
• 1:30:22
  What did she make you feel like? I don't know.
• 1:30:24
  It's just a. Very.
• 1:30:25
  Fiery connection that we had, like is very like passion, yeah.
• 1:30:31
  Like there's a lot of passion. And like.
• 1:30:34
  Flirting and I don't know we. We shared a lot of.
• 1:30:42
  Of the same interests in like music and outlook on life.
• 1:30:48
  And yeah, it was just, I hate to say this, but I think if it, you
• 1:30:56
  know. Because I believe in like soul
• 1:30:57
  mates and I think that you have multiple in a lifetime.
• 1:31:00
  I think that people like that eventually always find each
• 1:31:04
  other again. And maybe it's a different
• 1:31:05
  lifetime. And I know you're married and I
• 1:31:07
  know that she's and I hope that they are.
• 1:31:10
  You guys are all happy and you guys live amazing lives.
• 1:31:12
  But I'm sorry to say you can cut this out too.
• 1:31:16
  You know, that's how I've been feeling or something.
• 1:31:18
  This isn't very. Helpful for me.
• 1:31:20
  Oh, use it as fuel. Baby.
• 1:31:22
  Well, obviously, but I. Was I was too Like what?
• 1:31:25
  The fuck? Why?
• 1:31:25
  Is this feeling like this? Like, I haven't felt this like,
• 1:31:30
  yeah, it's crazy. It's like a transformation,
• 1:31:32
  yeah, like a butterfly. But it's.
• 1:31:33
  So uncomfortable, Yeah, yeah, but and then like.
• 1:31:37
  Constantly battling between the like, I rarely would ever fight
• 1:31:43
  for something. And so then it's like, why do I
• 1:31:45
  feel like I should? Yeah, I really feel like I
• 1:31:48
  should, you know, you shouldn't. Don't fight for anything.
• 1:31:51
  Yeah, because everything not. To be.
• 1:31:52
  I agree with that. No, It all comes to you.
• 1:31:54
  Yeah, It all. It all comes back.
• 1:31:55
  It all. Comes back to you I.
• 1:31:57
  Agree with that. I'm very much into that as well.
• 1:32:00
  Like I think like when it what's meant for me is going to be for
• 1:32:02
  me. But I get what you're describing
• 1:32:05
  because that's the feeling and it's like, what the fuck?
• 1:32:07
  What is this? But it could be short.
• 1:32:09
  It could have been whatever amount of timeline and you're
• 1:32:12
  still just like you would then want to invalidate it because it
• 1:32:16
  was a short timeline or it was short moments or whatever.
• 1:32:20
  You want to invalidate it. That was like that.
• 1:32:21
  That's not realistic. That should never happen.
• 1:32:25
  But it's like, I don't know. I think that that's the other
• 1:32:28
  thing with time that now like, I think like you lose people who
• 1:32:31
  are very significant to you that you were just like, you're not
• 1:32:34
  thinking of things in times like that anymore.
• 1:32:36
  You're just thinking of in this moment, I'm going to be doing
• 1:32:39
  the things that are going to be good, not continuing to hide or
• 1:32:43
  continuing to pretend or continuing to like not do the
• 1:32:47
  shot or not do the thing, you know?
• 1:32:49
  Yeah, until you open up that LinkedIn e-mail and then.
• 1:32:53
  It's like, hey, you might know this person and it's her.
• 1:32:55
  Like, I haven't thought of her in 10 years.
• 1:32:59
  Thanks LinkedIn. I'm like, wait, is she gonna?
• 1:33:01
  Make me some money, maybe I do. Want to get to know her?
• 1:33:05
  Again. But I mean, I don't know.
• 1:33:07
  I just I think. It started maybe a
• 1:33:10
  transformation for you possibly or I feel that, yeah.
• 1:33:13
  Did you think that maybe that's something that like like a
• 1:33:15
  catalyst? Almost.
• 1:33:17
  Yeah, when I look back on it, yeah.
• 1:33:20
  Yeah, it was that I went through a.
• 1:33:22
  Transformative period. After that was done, wrote some
• 1:33:27
  of my favorite music that I've. Ever written.
• 1:33:30
  And from it, and yeah, something that just occurred to me, she
• 1:33:36
  was a Gemini. My wife right now is a Gemini.
• 1:33:40
  Wait. And what are you again ever ago?
• 1:33:43
  Oh. I remember, sorry I didn't just
• 1:33:47
  that was real time's. Trauma.
• 1:33:52
  Saw the fire. Do you see how fast I corrected
• 1:33:57
  it? Name your.
• 1:33:59
  Feelings, guys. OK, so.
• 1:34:05
  What do you like about Geminis? I kind.
• 1:34:06
  Of want to know like what do you what?
• 1:34:08
  Do you like about Geminis? I've had a Gemini that I didn't
• 1:34:10
  like. Don't fucking know.
• 1:34:12
  But I just like something. About a Gemini.
• 1:34:14
  But like I'm Gemini, I know I just get.
• 1:34:16
  Attracted to them. Some way, somehow?
• 1:34:19
  I I can't put a finger on it. OK, the Virgo in him.
• 1:34:27
  You feel like they're more expressive.
• 1:34:28
  Than you get to be shit. They do it, I mean.
• 1:34:30
  Maybe. Because Virgos are known for
• 1:34:34
  being very. Critical.
• 1:34:36
  And it's because they're critical on themselves more than
• 1:34:38
  anybody else. And so they're constantly
• 1:34:40
  projecting. So I like, I feel like you like
• 1:34:42
  me. I don't want to put thoughts in
• 1:34:44
  your head. You might like Gemini's and be
• 1:34:46
  attracted. Gemini's because of how
• 1:34:47
  versatile they are, which means they get to be a variety of the
• 1:34:51
  ranges of themselves that you don't get to be because you're
• 1:34:53
  so hard on yourself, you know? Yeah, that sounds good.
• 1:34:56
  Do we want to use that one? Yeah.
• 1:35:00
  We should move. It we should we can use that.
• 1:35:02
  One now to. Twist it.
• 1:35:03
  Are we going too long? Did we overdo it?
• 1:35:05
  No, it's fine. We just didn't get a chance.
• 1:35:07
  To we didn't get a chance to finish.
• 1:35:08
  That memory card. So we can like cut this part and
• 1:35:11
  then do lightning round if we want and wrap.
• 1:35:13
  But we don't have memory on that one anymore.
• 1:35:16
  I told you I have ASD card. I don't think it's memory.
• 1:35:20
  I think. You just died, but it's
• 1:35:22
  connected so it shouldn't have died.
• 1:35:27
  Get connected. We're free.
• 1:35:30
  Free education. Connection you guys know that
• 1:35:31
  song yeah I've we can just I. Forget how it goes, but I know
• 1:35:36
  what you're talking about, that corny commercial and.
• 1:35:40
  They're all like. I know it.
• 1:35:42
  I'm working for an averagely wage.
• 1:35:44
  I went. To high school didn't do great,
• 1:35:46
  still got to make more cash. You guys know that.
• 1:35:47
  I can't go that far back because that one has to know the whole
• 1:35:49
  quality. I love that.
• 1:35:53
  So again, the connection. Piece or.
• 1:35:56
  Yeah, what else do you want to dish out?
• 1:35:58
  What other hot ticks you got? I'm gonna have so many.
• 1:36:01
  I feel like maybe we should do lightning.
• 1:36:02
  Ground This is a good time. To do it, yeah, yeah, yeah, I
• 1:36:05
  think so. Yeah.
• 1:36:07
  OK, so we do. This thing called.
• 1:36:08
  Lightning ground, and it's where.
• 1:36:09
  We're just going to ask you a bunch of random questions and
• 1:36:12
  you kind of want to think of them.
• 1:36:15
  You want to think of them off the.
• 1:36:17
  Cuff Yeah, OK. They're so scary.
• 1:36:19
  What's your hot take? What's the?
• 1:36:20
  Recent hot take you got they're. Not that scary.
• 1:36:22
  They're very simple. Recent hot take.
• 1:36:24
  These are hard things because I'm very deep, OK?
• 1:36:26
  Recent hot take you're. Gonna have to come back, sorry I
• 1:36:32
  can't remember OK. What's one thing, Wichita?
• 1:36:34
  Needs to steal from Austin. Authenticity and being.
• 1:36:39
  Who you are. And I'm thinking don't steal
• 1:36:42
  anything from Austin. First of all, they're not
• 1:36:44
  stealing. It's inspiration.
• 1:36:46
  And I don't think it should be what Austin is right now.
• 1:36:49
  I think it should be what Austin.
• 1:36:51
  Austin has had so many booms, and I think one of their biggest
• 1:36:54
  booms was there like indie culture and very like artistic,
• 1:36:57
  Keep Austin Weird sport local and to the core.
• 1:37:00
  That's art, creation and community.
• 1:37:02
  And I think art and community are so connected and I think
• 1:37:05
  that's what we should take from them is Austin's creativity and
• 1:37:09
  connection. I like it.
• 1:37:13
  Biggest ick when? Someone says.
• 1:37:15
  They're a leader. And just like a big, big dating
• 1:37:18
  ick that you might have biggest dating ick, Yeah.
• 1:37:23
  Performative men perform so like not being themselves.
• 1:37:27
  Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, because they're only
• 1:37:29
  performing for each other, which is.
• 1:37:31
  Hashtag gay, which I support the gays.
• 1:37:33
  I love the gays and the days and all of them.
• 1:37:35
  Wait, what do you mean I have to ask again?
• 1:37:37
  So you're saying? Performative men.
• 1:37:39
  What does that mean? Performative men are men who are
• 1:37:42
  like. Trying to pretend to be a person
• 1:37:46
  for acceptance or for whatever. So like men that participate in
• 1:37:50
  trends just to be looked at, basically like men that are
• 1:37:55
  obsessed with themselves. But because they're looking.
• 1:37:58
  For validation, but they're never going to get.
• 1:38:00
  OK, OK, I understand. Yes, yes, because I was I.
• 1:38:04
  I was thinking more when you said that word.
• 1:38:06
  I thought, oh, do you mean like he's just pretending to be what
• 1:38:10
  I think I want him to be so that this could go well?
• 1:38:13
  OK, the same thing. OK, But just you explained it.
• 1:38:16
  OK, I understood same thing. What's 1 red flag?
• 1:38:22
  People are ignoring when they're dating in 2025 or what do you
• 1:38:25
  think? Love bombing.
• 1:38:26
  Love bombing. Yeah, love bombing.
• 1:38:28
  And it's subtle. It's what's an example of love
• 1:38:31
  bombing because I think like people.
• 1:38:33
  Get on this thing where they like also hear the psychological
• 1:38:37
  words, but they don't really know what they mean and don't
• 1:38:39
  have real examples. And so they say these things and
• 1:38:42
  it's like, that is not what love bombing is.
• 1:38:44
  Or they say, oh, you're being narcissistic.
• 1:38:46
  That's not what narcissism is, but you don't want to invalidate
• 1:38:50
  them, right? But also you're like, no, you're
• 1:38:53
  feeling something else and let's talk through it, right?
• 1:38:57
  OK, so one example of love bombing for.
• 1:38:59
  In my opinion would be like overly texting.
• 1:39:02
  I think that when you're start when you first start dating
• 1:39:04
  somebody, you're talking to someone, I think that you should
• 1:39:06
  not be overly texting. If somebody is overly texting,
• 1:39:08
  that means they're projecting. And I think that love and this
• 1:39:11
  is I think I use I think because I don't want anyone to think a
• 1:39:15
  certain way because of me. So this.
• 1:39:17
  Is my. These are.
• 1:39:19
  My thoughts, I think that love bombing is when someone just
• 1:39:21
  constantly gives out affection, affection, affection, and
• 1:39:25
  they're doing it because they want validation.
• 1:39:27
  They, it's just like they're seeking something and they're
• 1:39:29
  projecting. And I think that once they're
• 1:39:31
  done projecting, they never ever saw you as a person.
• 1:39:34
  They saw you as an object to project on, you know, you know
• 1:39:36
  what I mean? And so when somebody's texting
• 1:39:38
  back and forth really, really fast, usually the man, if he
• 1:39:41
  starts off, he's like, oh, I'm up.
• 1:39:42
  They're love bombing you because they're wanting affection.
• 1:39:44
  They're getting all this dopamine and then when they're
• 1:39:47
  done, they're done with you. They withdraw.
• 1:39:51
  They don't text you, they don't reply.
• 1:39:52
  They never really saw you as a person.
• 1:39:54
  They just saw you as an object. You know what I mean?
• 1:39:56
  But love bombing is something that you do when you're trying
• 1:40:00
  to. Manipulate something and get
• 1:40:03
  something out of it. Yeah.
• 1:40:04
  So I guess validation. I see what you're saying.
• 1:40:06
  And dopamine, yeah. But typically.
• 1:40:09
  Like love bombing. Turns into something.
• 1:40:12
  Like abuse, yes, yes, and I feel like these so like what you're
• 1:40:15
  saying though with validation that doesn't typically lend into
• 1:40:19
  abuse, you know what I mean? But it could be abuse because
• 1:40:21
  those same men leave the doors open and come back when they.
• 1:40:23
  Want more dopamine and that's abuse to yours to use
• 1:40:25
  psychologically, especially if you liked them.
• 1:40:29
  And they aren't. Being upfront with you and
• 1:40:30
  saying like, hey, I'm not into you like that.
• 1:40:33
  I just like how you make me feel.
• 1:40:34
  They're not going to do that because they're avoiding those
• 1:40:36
  feelings and that's why they're love bombing you.
• 1:40:39
  And again, these are my feelings, my those things too.
• 1:40:43
  You you got one. What is?
• 1:40:49
  One mistake people make when building.
• 1:40:52
  Community. Leaving people out.
• 1:41:00
  I think everybody has to be included.
• 1:41:02
  Everybody needs a seat at the table, and if that seat is held
• 1:41:04
  by someone who is struggling with mental health and it's
• 1:41:07
  homeless, they need a seat at the table.
• 1:41:09
  Everybody. You cannot build community and
• 1:41:11
  not focus on inclusion. That's the mistake.
• 1:41:16
  I like that. What's?
• 1:41:17
  A phrase or. A mindset you had to.
• 1:41:19
  Learn after your divorce. That's a really good question.
• 1:41:23
  I really. Appreciate you asking it.
• 1:41:24
  I'm. Going to have to think about it
• 1:41:26
  right now. A mindset would be that I have
• 1:41:31
  the world. At my.
• 1:41:32
  Fingertips. And that I don't have to have a
• 1:41:35
  budget. When I ask the universe for what
• 1:41:38
  I want, I can have as much as I want.
• 1:41:40
  I don't have to have limits. I think that's the mindset.
• 1:41:44
  Did I answer that? I think that's your answer, yes.
• 1:41:49
  I think do you? Want to ask?
• 1:41:51
  Another one who's? Your woman crush.
• 1:41:57
  When it comes to. Yeah, you're right, it better.
• 1:42:00
  Be me. Who's your woman?
• 1:42:01
  Crush when it comes to leadership and authenticity.
• 1:42:06
  That's so hard, right? Here.
• 1:42:09
  Right here. Right oh, myself, me.
• 1:42:14
  You see how tall you? I'm very.
• 1:42:15
  Literal. I'm so sorry.
• 1:42:16
  See you. Did it?
• 1:42:17
  Earlier. That's why I thought you were
• 1:42:19
  going to say it. Oh, so who is it?
• 1:42:21
  It's such a hard question because I I can't pick one.
• 1:42:23
  I'm, I'm just really inspired. Two or three or five or like a
• 1:42:26
  specific people. Yeah, I don't.
• 1:42:32
  Know I love my boss. Her name is Lindsay.
• 1:42:34
  She's struggling with cancer. Breast cancer for the second
• 1:42:36
  time. She's amazing.
• 1:42:38
  We're actually doing the fundraiser for her, blah, blah,
• 1:42:41
  blah. She is so empowering, She's so
• 1:42:43
  smart, she's so brave, she's so kind, she's so everything.
• 1:42:46
  She's such a great leader. And she also has a level of like
• 1:42:49
  detachment to allow her to make good decisions.
• 1:42:51
  And so as a she's an inspiration to me personally because she
• 1:42:56
  shows me that I can be soft and hard at the same time.
• 1:43:01
  I think that that probably my answer.
• 1:43:02
  I love that. OK, so we've now heard a little
• 1:43:05
  bit about. Both you, your stories, your
• 1:43:07
  passions, your interests, your triads tell us and our
• 1:43:12
  listeners. How can everyone find you and?
• 1:43:15
  Support you? Oh sure.
• 1:43:18
  Well, I have no idea what. I'm really doing right now.
• 1:43:20
  I just am going with what feels right.
• 1:43:22
  And so I'm not really posting anything.
• 1:43:25
  I mean, I follow me as much as you want.
• 1:43:27
  I'm Tiana TIANNAZHANE. That's my Instagram.
• 1:43:32
  That's my first name and middle name, which my dad, whatever.
• 1:43:35
  Anyways, that has stuck with me my entire life.
• 1:43:38
  And yeah, I mean, I post just fun stuff on there.
• 1:43:42
  If you really want to get to know me, you can message me on
• 1:43:44
  there if you want to like connect or you can just see me
• 1:43:47
  out in the community. And if you ever see me, I'll be
• 1:43:49
  at Bubbles. Say hi.
• 1:43:51
  I'll say hi to you. I'll talk to everybody.
• 1:43:52
  Yeah. Just be nice.
• 1:43:54
  I love it. Yes.
• 1:43:55
  Please be kind to each other, Tiana.
• 1:43:57
  Thank you for joining us. I would cheers but I have no
• 1:44:00
  more drink left. But you do.
• 1:44:01
  So I'm a bariba arriba ba. Bajo.
• 1:44:05
  Bajo. Bajo Pal.
• 1:44:07
  Centro Pal. Cento E Padentro.
• 1:44:10
  E patentro. OK, thank.
• 1:44:14
  You guys. The full word is BA.
• 1:44:17
  But you're. Kind.
• 1:44:18
  Of. Just plain.