Latest / The Diva Details / Rediscovering Desire: Midlife Turn-Ons and How to Reignite Them

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Rediscovering Desire: Midlife Turn-Ons and How to Reignite Them · The Diva Details

0:00
Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the
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Diva Details, where bold, confident women embrace
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life unapologetically. From love and sex to wellness
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and reinvention, we keep it raw, real,
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and powerful. No filters, no limits,
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just fearless conversations to help you thrive. Let's dive
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in with Diva Mia.
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Hello, this is Diva Mia. Today we're going to talk about getting
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turned on. I know it's a little faux pas for some people, but there's
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a point in midlife where a lot of women look around and they think,
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wait, where did my turn-on go? And your turn-on is
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a little bit different than your libido. It's something that, you know, does sex feel
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spontaneous or does it feel rehearsed?
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Is it getting boring? And there's certain things that may excite
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you that you didn't know before. And there's certain things that may turn you off
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that you used to like. So we're going to talk about it a little bit.
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And sometimes when you get older, you may think about sex more
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often. There's something that happens to women as our kids go away
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to college and we get more freedom in our lives
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that things sometimes we're more turned on than we were before. Sometimes your body
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responds faster. So orgasms come easier and you could
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be folding the laundry and all of a sudden feel sexy
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and want a massage by your boyfriend and have,
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and you don't have to have the perfect lighting, but all of a sudden you
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have turn-on again. It's a little bit different than libido though. And then somewhere in
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your 40s or 50s beyond, things change. Sometimes it's more
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pleasurable. Sometimes it's less. It depends on the person,
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but let's talk about it and ways to combat it if you're having issues,
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because losing some of your sexual responsiveness in midlife, it does not automatically
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mean you've lost your sexuality. Sometimes it's just a hormonal thing like
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we've talked about in the past. Sometimes, you know, your hormones have changed.
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Sometimes the relationship has changed because for women,
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for us, we really need to have that emotional and mental connection.
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Sometimes your brain is overloaded with work and too much
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stress, and therefore your turn-on is turned off. And sometimes you've simply
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been doing the same thing for 20 years, the exact same thing, the same positions,
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the same person, the same way, and you need to rewrite
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the manual. And maybe review it with your partner and say, look, let's figure
2:26
out something else. Not just let's add lubricant. Let's figure out something
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that turns me on and turns you on that we can experiment with and
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play with. When you have hormonal and vaginal
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issues and maybe even erectile issues with your partner, there are things that
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you can do to help with the issues.
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There's something called an O-Shot for women and the O-Shot
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makes it so women have more blood flow down there.
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Their orgasms may be much greater,
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and it's a way to get everything working a little bit more.
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What they do is they— I've actually had it done— so they spin your blood
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down, and it's a PRP procedure. What they inject internally into
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your G-spot and into your clitoris, that's what the O-Shot is. For me,
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it was a vaginal dryness thing that I was trying to overcome,
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but there are added benefits. It actually increases blood flow. Now, it's not
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a permanent thing. It's something you would have to do more than once, but there's
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other things you can do too, like certain devices, toys, vibrators, pelvic floor therapy.
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There's a pelvic floor therapy that you can do now to help tighten the
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area if you need it. 'Cause a lot of women, their pelvic floor has gotten
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a little loose or it's starting to drop or things are changing inside.
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Then there's, you know, you need to explore your body and find out exactly what
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you need. Maybe, you know, you and your partner once a week have just like
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an exploration sexcapade where the kids are gone. If they,
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if you still have kids around, And you just figure out what you both
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like and explore each other's bodies. The psychological
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effect of becoming that sexual person again will overrule any insecurities.
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If you can have fun and explore each other's bodies and play, that's a
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great way to be instead of doing the same thing over and over again.
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We're gonna talk about things that people don't always talk about at brunch. That's okay.
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That's what this podcast is for. The stuff that embarrasses most people, this is
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the stuff I like to talk about. First, we have to separate desire and arousal.
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So desire is whether I want sexual activity. Arousal the
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body's response to it. So if you're getting sexually stimulated,
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is your body getting excited when your partner comes
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up to you? Do you get excited when they touch you or has that turned
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off as well? Orgasms is a separate process. Orgasms is different
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than getting turned on. You may not be completely sexually aroused, but when you
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start the act of sex, the orgasms may come. You can have one without
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having the others. This, it becomes particularly important during and after
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menopause because many women stop experiencing the kind of spontaneous
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desire they remember from earlier life. Now, I personally have
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not gone through that, but I know that some people complain
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that they— the desire for sex is less. Instead, they experience what's
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called responsive desire. You may not be sitting on the couch thinking, I desperately
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want to have sex with you, or you might, who knows? It depends on how
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you are. But what happens is while you're having— while you're
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touching and kissing and other types of cues,
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that's when you get desire. It's like an internal thing that just
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comes when you have some type of action. Whether it's kissing or
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cuddling or touching, and your brain says, I could
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do it right now. That's what's called responsive desire. This distinction
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can completely change how you think about your libido. It may be that you
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just need more quality time with your partner. If you're waiting around for
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spontaneous desire to strike, you, you're like lightning. You may be
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waiting a while. What you need to do is maybe introduce some playtime
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with your partner or spend more time cuddling and touching
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and kissing. This can give you more desire for them and
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lead to more of a responsive desire. Sometimes you have
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to create the conditions that allow desire to show up.
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Your body needs more of a runway now. Our bodies need
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more time. We need more stimulation. For women, our estrogen, as it
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declines, we may have vaginal tissue issues, lubrication.
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Sometimes it hurts. Um, you may get an elasticity problem
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or a blood flow problem. Testosterone and other hormones changes can also affect
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your sexual desires. Your testosterone is down, which we talked
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about a couple podcasts ago. That may affect your sexual desire. And men,
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they have it worse than we do, ladies, sometimes with sexual desire, because sometimes
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they can't even get an erection. It may be slower or less predictable. And then
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they have a psychological break when they can't perform. It's very stressful
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for a man. Remember, if you're, if you're with a partner that's having performance issues,
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give them some grace and help them through it. Because a lot of times it's
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a mental thing and a mental block as well. If they're not healthy cardiovascular-wise,
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or they're not on testosterone, it could be a problem. Some of the medications
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they may be on, or they might have stress or drink too much or,
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you know, not enough sleep. And those things can also lead to
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performance issues for men. They have a tough time with this as
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well. This is where couples make a huge mistake together is they,
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they think that everything should be the same and it's not.
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Some men think if it takes you longer to have an orgasm
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that you're less attracted to them or you lack attraction to them.
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If it takes a man longer to get turned on, sometimes you think, what am
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I not getting? What am I not doing to turn him on? Then a
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woman may think, why am I not turned on by my partner anymore?
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Then he thinks, why is my erection not as immediate as it used to
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be? There's things that men go through and women go through psychologically, but you guys
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should talk them out because you're just older. It's okay if there's
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performance issues once in a while, it's okay, but keep trying.
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I mean, sex should be fun until your 70s, 80s, and beyond.
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They always say the 50s, the new 30s. So I think that, you know,
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as we get older, we are having as much sex,
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if not more than we were when we were younger. Both people sometimes
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can get self-conscious too. If there's a sexual issue, both people may be
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self-conscious. So talk it out because nothing kills arousal
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quite like turning sex into a performance review and analyzing each other and making
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complaints and being mean. I mean, you're going to really kill the
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sexual libido if there's not softness and grace. The best approach is
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to recognize that your body is simply not a no longer a
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runway. You need a little bit of warming up. You need more anticipation,
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flirting, touching. Some mental stimulation for ladies goes a
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long way. And ladies, we don't— men, we don't like it the same way every
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time, just so you know. A little bit of novelty or newness. Otherwise,
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it feels like pressure to perform. And we like a little bit
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of, you know, mental stimulation as well as novelty. And I will say,
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when men are touching women during the day and flirting
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with them and holding hands and smacking them on the butt, maybe if they like
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that. Those types of things will, you know, lead to better sex at
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night as well. Here's something I want everyone to listen to. Why,
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instead of asking yourself, why don't I want sex? Ask what makes me
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want sex? What specifically makes you want to have sex with someone?
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Those are 2 completely different questions. So think about the last
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several times you generally felt sexy. What happened? Did you, were you
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relaxed? Were you dressed up? Did you feel attractive? Were you on vacation?
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Had you just come from exercising? Were you laughing together?
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I mean, sometimes you need to relive the steps
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that had made you feel very sexy. Were you emotionally intimate? Were you flirting with
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someone or were you flirting with him? Was he flirting back with you? Were the
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children gone? Because I know for me, having the children around is
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a very difficult time to have sex because you have to be quiet and
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being quiet is not really my forte. So having children around or laundry
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to do or other responsibilities can decrease your desire cues. Your job
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is to learn exactly where you need to be in your headspace in order to
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get turned on, because your brain is part of your sexual
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organ and you can intentionally create more of those conditions
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if you understand what, what is exactly working and what's not working for
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you. The brain is your biggest sex organ. When we tend to talk about libido
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as though it's entirely hormonal, it's not. Your brain matters
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enormously. Stress is the perfect example. If your nervous
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system is thinking, I have 42 emails to to file, I have the kids need
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something, I have to go pick them up, I have a meeting tomorrow, the house
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is a mess, I don't feel good about my body. Then suddenly somebody says,
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want to have sex? Your brain's like, are you kidding me? That's not necessarily sexual
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dysfunction, that's cognitive overload. You need transitions. You need to
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take a shower, put away the phone, maybe have some quiet time, change your clothes,
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play some music, dim the lights, and have a conversation.
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There needs to be some type of ritual. I told you before on one of
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the podcasts that I used to light a candle if I was in the mood
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and wanted sex that night, and— or he would, and that way we know No,
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we need to unwind, relax, and then it
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opens up the door for sex. Once the workday is over, pleasure is allowed
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now. So figure out what steps you need to take in order to have that
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pleasure and then reconnect with your body. Now let's,
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let's talk about something that still makes some women uncomfortable. It's solo sexual exploration.
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I'm not talking about replacing your partner. I'm talking about understanding your own body and
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your body at 50, 51, 52 is not the same, or even
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60 is not the same as it was in 22. That's important information.
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Explore what pressures, what vibration, what touch, different fantasies,
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temperatures, and pace you like. You may not want to be pounded like you were
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in your 20s. You may want to have it slower. You may want to have
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different positions. You may want to have toys introduced.
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You know, women sometimes expect their partner to figure out something they haven't figured out
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themselves, which is kind of not couth. That's a
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difficult assignment. Solo exploration removes performance pressure for men.
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So if you say, I like this and I don't like this, then they understand
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because there's no clock. There's nobody waiting for you to orgasm.
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There's concerned about whether someone else is enjoying themselves because
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you know exactly what it will take to enjoy yourself. You can keep learning.
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When you solo explore, you have as much time as you want.
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Once you know, you can then communicate it to your partner. It's incredibly
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valuable to know what you enjoy, and toys aren't competition
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to the men. Just realize there are toys and vibrators
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out there that work with both men and women. There's clitoral stimulators that
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are also used during intercourse that can also be used as stimulation
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for men. So it's not a relationship failure. It actually adds
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a lot of fun to a relationship. There's also erection rings and
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vacuum erection devices for men to help them along their
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way. The object isn't to buy a drawer full of gadgets and hope one magically
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fixes your relationship. The objective is to say, what would make us sexually—
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our sexual activity easier, more comfortable, more interesting and pleasurable
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for both of us? Sometimes technology helps. It's a wonderful day in the
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world when we can have technology help us in sexual areas as well.
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We used to technology in every other area of our life. We might as well
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use it in the bedroom as well. Try a toy. Let's talk about lubrication and
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moisturization or moisturizers for women. The distinction matters
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because lubrication is generally used during sex and it's used
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for friction. Moisturizer is regular and it helps maintain moisture
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and comfort. Women, a lot of women experience vaginal dryness.
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So if penetration hurts, it may very well be that you're just
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dry down there and pain is information. There are different syndromes related
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to dryness or pelvic floor dysfunction. Could also be a bacterial infection you
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have to worry about. And you could also need to talk to your doctor,
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talk to your doctor so you know what's going on. Vaginal estrogen
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and other menopause treatments are great if you have dryness because low,
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low-dose vaginal estrogen, which I'm on, it improves dryness greatly.
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It's just great for the tissue in general. And I've had no problems
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since I'm on it. And I, I can honestly say I'm not really regular.
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I probably take it every couple of days instead of daily, but it's good enough.
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And there are other prescriptions, including vaginal DHEA and oral
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things for patients to take to help with dryness. Systemic menopausal
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hormones therapy may help you as well if you're depending on your symptoms and your
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history. But testosterone is increasingly discussed in
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women's sexual medicine. Evidence is being shown that testosterone
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prescribed at the right level for postmenopausal women, it helps with sexual
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desire disorder and muscle mass and brain
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fog goes away and can even help with hot flashes.
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This is an area individuals dosing and monitoring matters. The more
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testosterone is not automatically gonna lead to bigger libido.
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That's what a lot of women don't realize. You're not gonna turn into a sex
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machine just because you have a little bit of testosterone. They're not the— it's
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not like it's the volume knob and you keep turning it up until you turn
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into a sexual person. It can help, but you still need to work the other
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areas. The O-Shot, which I talked about a little bit earlier, is a
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procedure which is getting platelet-rich plasma. So they take your blood
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out and they spin it down and they inject it into other areas like the
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clitoris and the vagina. And then they use components derived from
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your own blood, which is the PRP. It's, it does increase sensitivity.
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The lubrication is definitely better and it may help your orgasms or sexual function.
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It depends on each person, but the important part is that you
15:11
need to find what works for you. And it doesn't mean that this
15:14
will work for you, but you might want to try it. You'd have to talk
15:17
to your doctor and they have different places where you can find it. And it's
15:21
not going to suddenly turn you back into a 20-year-old. I say though, my orgasms
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are better in my 50s than they were in my 20s because I I'm more
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mentally connected than I used to be to my body. And when I'm more
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mentally connected and I know myself, I'm able to understand
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what turns me on and what doesn't, what angle, what position,
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et cetera. Men have several completely different categories
15:42
here too. So they have what's called a P-shot and it's a penis shot.
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It's an injection into their penis. So guys are probably like, ooh,
15:49
but it helps with erectile tissue issues.
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I've never seen anyone do this, so I can't specifically speak to
15:56
it, but the medication, it can help with the erectile tissue issues.
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This is another thing that men need to talk to if they're having erection issues
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and the— maybe Viagra is not working or testosterone is not working. This might help
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them along their way. This is not something you do just because your friends tell
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you to. It's something that's personal and private that you should discuss with your partner.
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Then there's also penis enlargement surgery that people are actually doing, or extender
16:19
treatment. So they have fillers and PRP
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and traction devices that can help with the penis. Claim to increase penis size.
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I don't know if they do, but they, the injections and the fillers are
16:31
sometimes used cosmetically to increase the girth, but they have potential complications.
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Whenever you're injecting something down there in a male anatomy, just like anywhere,
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you could have infections and it could enlarge it too much.
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When someone promises 3 inches by lunchtime, you know, I would,
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I wouldn't question their methodology because it might cause a lot of problems.
16:51
But erectile dysfunction is also a signal that they may not be healthy. Their blood
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pressure may be high. They could have high cholesterol, which decreasing blood
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flow or blood sugar issues, testosterone is one thing, ladies, that will help a lot
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of men. But if they have sleep apnea or cardiovascular issues,
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sometimes, you know, improving their overall health improves their sexual function
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along with it. The pelvic floor therapy isn't just Kegels.
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There's actually a machine now that you can go and work
17:17
on your pelvic floor, and sometimes they're too tight. A chronic tense pelvic
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floor can contribute to pain during sex. Blindly doing
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500 Kegels isn't necessarily the answer. A pelvic floor physical therapist
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can evaluate that, and there's machines that can help with this too.
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Exercise is sexual medicine too. If you're having
17:36
a libido issue, maybe you need more physical activity.
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I think a lot of people are sedentary these days, and without the
17:43
physical activity, you may not be sexually turned
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on. Psychologically, when you feel physically capable, strong,
17:50
and connected to your body, experiencing your body different— instead of thinking,
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what does my body look like, you begin thinking, What does my body feel like?
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When you enjoy your body, the sexual energy is
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heightened. Also, don't forget your sleep because your sleep is so important.
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Your body has priorities. If it's exhausted or,
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you know, your exhaustion will outrank any sexual desire
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you have. Sometimes your body isn't saying, I don't want sex. It's saying, I want
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8 hours of sleep where nobody touches me and I can wake up in the
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morning. Long-term relationships have an interesting
18:20
problem though. 'Cause safety is wonderful in long-term relationships,
18:25
but predictability isn't so wonderful, especially with
18:28
desire. So if you're in a long-term relationship, ladies, you're probably feeling
18:32
safe. You're probably feeling— you may feel respected, hopefully. The predictability
18:36
of it may get old. So that's why you need to start spicing it up.
18:39
Go somewhere else, go to a hotel room, change the environment,
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go on a date, wear something different, try a toy. All of these
18:46
things can help. Change the time of day, send a flirtatious message
18:51
at night for the morning, and then you just anticipate it.
18:54
Anticipation itself can become part of the arousal.
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Stop scheduling sex only when you're exhausted. This one seems ridiculously
19:02
obviously, but you shouldn't try to perform sex when you're tired. You spend
19:05
all day working, you eat dinner, you clean, you deal with the kids, and at
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11 o'clock somebody says you want to. Most women are like, nope, I'm too tired.
19:12
Try to schedule it when you're both feeling better, maybe Saturday afternoons.
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Maybe like, and you set a schedule and I hate scheduling
19:21
sex, but sometimes you need to. If you do it every other day or daily,
19:24
you need to maybe find the best time in the day that works for both
19:28
of you where you're both rested. Couples also, you know, they tend
19:31
to make intimate interactions as an all or nothing proposition.
19:35
That connection doesn't always have to follow the exact same sequence to
19:38
end with intercourse. It could be you just gave somebody a massage and you left
19:42
it be, or there was one of you did oral and you left it be.
19:44
It doesn't have to turn into a full-on sexual intercourse.
19:48
Maybe tonight you may just want to hold each other, touch and kiss.
19:52
Another night you may want a massage that leads to something or it doesn't,
19:56
or play with a toy together. You— intimacy can take many different
20:00
forms. Sometimes you want intercourse and sometimes you don't. When every affectionate touch
20:05
automatically means you're going to have sex, sometimes that's a turnoff for people because
20:09
they want to have the freedom to explore themselves and their bodies with each other.
20:13
So remove the pressure and that can actually create more desire in the relationship and
20:18
deal with the relationship outside the bedroom as well. No vibrator,
20:21
hormone prescription, or injection can fix resentment. So if your
20:24
partner is being disrespectful or not assisting you when need
20:28
be, or doing something they shouldn't be doing,
20:32
don't be surprised if your libido is particular, is not particularly
20:35
enthusiastic about that person because sexual health isn't isolated
20:40
from relationship health. And just so you know, women can feel things. Even before
20:44
they know them. If they're getting a bad vibe about something and they've told you
20:47
and you're doing something you shouldn't be doing, they may know and it will
20:51
affect your performance in the bedroom. So ask yourself, do I have
20:55
a low desire generally, or do I have a low desire in this relationship for
20:58
this person? That is a difficult question, but it's an important one to answer
21:02
because those are 2 completely different problems. I know when I'm not
21:06
feeling safe or respected, I lose desire for my partner no
21:09
matter how much I desired them before. But here's what I want you to do.
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I want you to stop asking whether you're as sexual as you were at 25.
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You're not 25 anymore, and it's okay. The goal isn't to recreate your body.
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It's to understand that your body, the body you have now, learn your desire cues,
21:23
give yourself more time to become excited and aroused,
21:27
address the vaginal dryness thing, because that you have to, or it's gonna create pain
21:30
during sex. And if the man is having erectile issues, have him address those
21:34
as well, and you can assist instead of hiding them. So if you're considering
21:38
other types of O-Shots or P-Shots or fillers, Talk to your doctors. That's something that
21:42
is a little bit more invasive, but not completely invasive, but explore
21:46
toys and devices first. And don't worry about the embarrassment.
21:49
I mean, if you're in a relationship with somebody, you've been in a relationship for
21:52
a while, this should be something fun you can do together. Learn your own body,
21:56
exercise, sleep, flirt, and create that anticipation and that novelty.
22:00
That way you don't have to, you know, stop having
22:04
fun sex together. And you shouldn't at any age because sexuality evolves
22:08
as we get older. It's funner, actually. I think maybe this chapter
22:12
isn't about trying to get your old sex life back. Maybe it's about building a
22:15
better one because this time you actually know yourself. You know your body, your boundaries,
22:20
what you like, you know who you like, and you know what you don't like.
22:24
And hopefully you've reached an age where you're finally willing to tell them out
22:27
loud because this is your midlife. You only got one life. You have one
22:31
life to live. You need to be honest with your partner. I hope this helped
22:35
people today. This is Diva Mia. With Diva Details, I want
22:39
you to feel empowered, strong, and able to take
22:42
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