Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep21: The Funniest 21 Jokes You'll Hear Today 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep21: The Funniest 21 Jokes You'll Hear Today 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_06: I don't like walking up behind white women at night.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_06: Makes me really uncomfortable.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_06: So I cross the street.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_06: A couple nights ago, I'm walking home.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_06: Got my beats going.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_06: I don't have no headphones, I just got beats.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_06: And I'm walking.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_06: Uh-oh, white woman.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_06: Think I'll cross the street.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_06: Uh-oh, another white woman.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_06: So now I'm walking in the middle of the street.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_06: Which makes it look even more creepy.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_06: Then there's the cab driver.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_05: Bam bam! Get out of the street, brother!
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_06: I'm like Vishnu, there are white women all over the place.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_05: Holy shit, get in!
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_06: He drives me to safety.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_06: He's like, brother, when walking at night, you have to be very careful.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_06: These policemen and white women are very dangerous, brother.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_06: You have to take care of yourself, Denzel.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, that's not my name.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_05: As my name is not Vishnu.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_05: Touche, nigga.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_12: My mom loved go to the doctor.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_12: You guys, I love going to the doctor.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_12: I love it.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_12: I love going to the doctor.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_12: I was out without insurance for many, many years and an independent contractor.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_12: 65, I'm in that damn office every damn week.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_12: I'm in there.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_12: I want to be probed.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_12: I hate it.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_12: And and I hate go now, but you know, they play with you in the doctor's office.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_12: They will take you to they take me to the furthest exam room now.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_12: And they just give me up as People Magazine and think I'm just gonna sit in there and read this magazine.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_12: I don't know who the hell Harry Stiles is.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_12: I could give a shit.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_12: And I'm sitting in there, they think I'm just gonna be quiet, nice little old lady.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_12: I go through the drawers.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_12: I got six rolls of that silk tape.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_12: That shit's expensive.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_12: I got tongue depressors from my tomato plants.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_12: I got that.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_12: And I got those big long Q-tippy things that when they pull those out, you go, what are you gonna do with that?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_12: You know.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_12: I spray painted those for Christmas.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_12: And then, no, here's the deal though.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_12: You guys, I have three gowns.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_12: I I stole three gowns.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_12: I wore one of them right out the office.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_12: They didn't say shit.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_12: They're my Saturday morning outfit.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_12: I love them.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_12: I just get up in the Saturday morning and I and I I get my cup of coffee, put my gown on, and I just wait for the doorbell.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_12: Well, hello.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_12: I would love to hear about Jesus.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_12: You come on.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_03: I went on a date with my first trans man.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_03: That was, yeah, it was fun.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_03: I I didn't know he was trans from his profile, but you know, in person I figured it out, but I didn't give a fuck.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_03: I'm too poor to have a phobia, okay?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_03: As long as you identify as a man who's paying this check at the end of this motherfucking meal.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_03: That's all I care about.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_03: As long as your pronouns are Zell and Cash App, I don't give a fuck about what else you got going on.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_03: And it was a good day.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_03: You know what I'm saying?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_03: Conversation was good, the vibe was good.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_03: It went south when the bill came and his car declined.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, ooh.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_03: And he's like, oh, don't worry, one of my six roommates are gonna send me some money.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, what the fuck?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_03: You live at jail, nigga?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_13: What the fuck?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_03: Six roommates.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_03: So, long story short, he pays the bill.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_03: He says, Eva, I had a great time.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_03: I would love to take you out again.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_03: I said, absolutely the fuck not.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_03: He got offended.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_03: He's like, I thought we had a great time.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_03: Don't tell me you're transphobic.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_03: I said, no, baby, I don't date the poor.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_03: I'm poor.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_03: What the fuck we gonna do together?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_03: Wish up on a star, nigga.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_03: I need help.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_03: I said, first of all, that's poor planning on your end.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_03: Why didn't you transition into a rich man?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_03: So your transactions can go through.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_06: I was in the park last night and I saw a black squirrel being chased by two gray squirrels.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_06: And I got anxious.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_06: And I blurted out, Run, nigga.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_06: You faster than that.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_06: Come on, man.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_06: But he ain't kidding, cuz he's a squirrel.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_06: And out of nowhere, this lady was like, You really shouldn't say that word.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_06: A lot of people don't like it.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_06: It makes them real funny.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_06: And I was like, Why are you in the park this late?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_06: Don't touch me.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_06: Then the squirrel crawled down the tree and he looked at me and he was like.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_06: And I told him, I don't know her.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_06: I don't feel too safe either, yo.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_13: What happened?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_06: You dropped an acorn and the cops started shooting.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_06: You gotta protect your nuts, man.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_06: That's what's up.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_06: I'll see you tomorrow.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, mom.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_02: I hate them.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_02: I hate them kids, man.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_02: I can say that because they're adults now.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_02: Like my son is 23 and my daughter, she's 19.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_02: That's the one right there.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_02: That girl, I ain't never want to drag a motherfucker in the street like I want to drag that.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_02: Because it's it's her mouth.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know if there's parents in here with older kids, it's this.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_02: She talks so and she talks so extra.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_02: Like every time she talks, she like.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_02: I can ask her a simple question.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_02: I'll be like, Casey, you hungry?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_02: She'll be like, I mean, like.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_02: Like, look at you being a mom.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_02: Like, like, period.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_02: Like, look at you.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I mean, like.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_02: I remember she told me she hated me.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_02: She was like 18.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_02: She told me she hated me.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_02: She gotta ask me if she'd go to a party.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, I don't think that's a good idea.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_02: She'll have no information on the party.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_02: She don't know who gonna be there.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_02: I said, you can't go to that party.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_02: She said, What you mean?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_02: I said, you can't go.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: You don't know who gonna be there.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_02: You know if there's gonna be alcohol, drugs, you're only 18.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_02: I don't think it's a good idea.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_02: If you're asking me, I'm telling you you can't go.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_02: And she said, What you mean I can't go?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_02: I said you can't go.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_02: She said, like, I hear you, but like, I don't like what you mean I can't go.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_02: So I had to talk like her.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, I mean, like, you can't, like, you can't like, eh, like you can't.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_02: But she yells, she goes, I hate you.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_02: I hate you, mom.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_02: You're the worst mom in the world.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_02: You never let me do the things that I want to do, mom.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_02: I hate you.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_02: And I said, Oh my goodness.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_02: I hate you too, bitch.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my god.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_02: I've been wanting to say that shit for years.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_02: I hate you too, you raggedy bitch.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_02: You know dishwashing ass, bitch.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_02: Take my lashes off and you put them on, bitch.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_02: She my best friend now.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_02: She my little broke best friend.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_02: She ain't never got no money, but she always know the cool shit to do, you know what I'm saying?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_10: I got my DUIs back when we were still earning them, okay?
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_10: No, there was no Uber or Lyft, alright?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_10: If you're under the age of 28, you don't know what it's like to be stranded.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_10: You've never, you've never been at a house party and watched your DD black out.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_10: You've never seen that.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_10: You don't know how scary that is.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_10: Tyler promised us he was gonna be sober.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_10: Tyler lied.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_10: Stuck at a stranger's house, you don't know how you're gonna get home?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_10: You've never earned it.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_10: Sleeping in a cold sunroom using a rug as a blanket, it's terrifying.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_10: Y'all been there.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_10: Laying in the floor, you're like, will sunlight ever come?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_10: I don't know.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_10: All y'all, if you're under the age of 28, you don't know what you get to go home when you want.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_10: Kings and queens of the Irish goodbye.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_10: You've never been stuck in a kitchen going through a stranger's pantry before.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_10: Because you couldn't leave, because you're stuck.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_10: We didn't drive drunk because we wanted to.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_10: Look at me.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_10: We drove drunk because we wanted to see our families again.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_10: I wanted to see my mom, you know?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_10: I had too much vodka.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_10: That doesn't mean I don't get to see her.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_10: Some of y'all don't know what that's like.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_10: You've never earned it, you know?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_10: And I'm not saying, listen, and that things are better now.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_10: You've got Uber and Lyft, it's a better, you get intoxicated, you get a ride home.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_10: I I mean, what a what a life I couldn't imagine.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_10: You know, I couldn't imagine.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_10: I mean, I learned a lot about bikes and hindsight, but I couldn't imagine.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_10: Yeah, I'll give you a tune-up in a heartbeat, you know?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_10: But I mean, I'm I brought this up to my dad.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_10: I I brought it up to Bill.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_10: And if you listen, I was raised by Bill.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_10: If you know one Bill, you know every damn one of them.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_10: Y'all know Bill's.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_10: They love Lowe's, they can't believe not everybody tucks in their shirt.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_10: And I asked him because he used to tie one on back in the day.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_10: Back in the 70s, Bill used to have a good time.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_10: I said, Bill, could you imagine being at a party and then you drinking and knowing for sure some guy named Marcus was gonna pull up in a Nissan center with two bottles of water playing your favorite radio station?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_10: I was like, Bill, how drunk would y'all have gotten, man?
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_10: And he was like, son, we would have shit our pants.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_10: He's like, I could not imagine.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_10: Because a lot of y'all, you don't know what it's like.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_10: There was some teamwork involved.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_10: You've never been in a driveway with four of your best friends trying to get some eye contact.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_10: How are we getting home?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_10: If we don't get a Mexican pizza, we'll all die tonight.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_10: And then you ask your buddy Ryan, Ryan, can you drive?
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_10: You look pretty good.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_10: Ryan surprises you.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_10: He's like, I cannot drive us tonight.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_10: And you're like, damn, we lost Ryan.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_10: I mean, and we'd do dumb stuff.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_10: We thought if we could just drink a Gatorade and eat this pack of Gusters, I think I could get us to where we need to go.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_10: I just need a snack.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_10: You see how wild this is?
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_10: And you'd see speaking, and y'all judged me.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_10: I was fighting for my damn life out there.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_11: I asked Siri a question about my life expectancy, and she changed the subject.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_11: There's some advantages to being my age.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_11: Frequently, people will stand and offer me their seat, which is great on the bus.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_11: A little creepy in the men's room.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_12: You've got all these beautiful tattoos.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_12: Did you design those, sir?
• 12:36
  unknown: The artist.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_12: The artist did it.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_12: Well, they see, I don't want$100 is I can get a big tattoo.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_12: No.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_12: No, so you're cheap bitches, is what you're saying.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_12: And they they keep asking, what are you gonna have to do?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_12: Well, I don't know.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_12: I don't want pictures.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_12: This skin's not coming back.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_12: Oh no, I mean, there's not a spank in the world that's gonna hold this crap up.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_12: So I told them I'm gonna get a tramp tramp stamp, tramp stamp.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_12: See, that's a great idea for an old person.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_12: You put all your vital statistics back here.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_12: Your your blood typecase of emergency phone number, social security.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_12: You can put your allergies down your butt cheeks.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_12: Well, there's a real good chance that when I wander away from the home, I'm gonna be naked.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_12: My niece wants me to tattoo a poem on my I don't want words on my body.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_12: Because they don't understand.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_12: Someday somebody's gonna be putting me on a bedpan, and I don't want that conversation to start with, hey, what's your tattoo say?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_12: It says faster.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_09: Um, y'all wanna hear some fucked up shit?
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_09: Keep this, I almost OD'd on uh Viagra when I was 16.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_09: Crazy shit.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_09: Okay, look, okay, look, real quick, I play a lot of video games, okay?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_09: In my mind, you know how Mario goes?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_09: You get a star, you fucking power up.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_09: If you get to another star while you got that star on, it should be a double power-up, right?
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_09: Alright, so I was with this shit.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_09: Now, mind you, back in the day, you only had like 15 minutes to fuck before somebody's parents woke up or like grandparents' medicine wore off.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_09: It was fucking crazy.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_09: Right?
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_09: And it's like, you know, it's a lot of pressure to get your dick hard.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_09: When you really want to.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_09: Like your brain, you like, dick hard, and then your dick is like, no, bro, no.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_09: And it was like a fucking, you know, and then she's like, what's wrong?
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_09: What's wrong?
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_09: Like, nothing's wrong, but now that you're saying something's wrong, I think something's wrong, you know?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_09: And then my dick is like, man, I'm out of here, man.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_09: Fuck this.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_09: I ain't got time.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_09: So I went and told my dad, I'm like, Dad, look, I couldn't get it up.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_09: He said, dude, you just had a little anxiety, okay?
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_09: I got these blue pills in my dresser.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_09: Next time you finna fuck, take some of that shit.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_09: The prescription was some of that shit.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_09: So the girl calls me and says, Hey, we don't have to uh rush.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_09: My parents are gone.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_09: I said, Bet.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_09: I put on my gray sweatpants.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_09: You know the real thin ones, you get them from Walmart.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_09: They have no pockets.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_09: You know what I'm saying?
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_09: You really only use them for showing how big your dick is.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_09: You can't even got it.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_09: You know what I'm saying?
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_09: I call them my nigga leggings, right?
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_09: I put on my nigga leggings, right?
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_09: I go on my dad's dresser, right?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_09: I see the pills.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_09: The pills say Pfizer, and on the other side they say 100, right?
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_09: I take six, okay?
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_09: Okay, we know now, right?
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_09: But I was a kid, right?
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_09: So Ben, I get my dad's keys and I'm driving, right?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_09: Haha, fin again to them, I'm on the way, right?
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_09: I'm on the way.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_09: All of a sudden, I get a headache, right?
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_09: Little headache in the front and in the back and on the sides, right?
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_09: I'm like, whatever.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_09: This fucking, you know, I'm not tripping.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_09: Ain't no headache ever stopped in no pussy.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_09: I'm on the way.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_09: I'm on the way, right?
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_09: All of a sudden, all of a sudden, my ears start bleeding, right?
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_13: I'm like, what the fuck?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_09: You know, this is this is weird, you know what I'm saying?
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_09: This is whatever, because you know, deaf niggas fuck.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_09: I don't need to hear no pussy, you know what I'm saying?
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_09: I'm on the way, right?
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_09: I'm on the way, right?
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_09: All of a sudden, I sneeze, okay?
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_09: My dick busts through my sweatpants, right?
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_09: It's bigger than I've ever seen it, right?
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_09: Like, I'm trying to drive, and it's like.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_09: I'm like, right?
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_09: I'll get new pants later, because I'm on the way, right?
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_09: Right?
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_09: I'm driving.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_09: All of a sudden, for whatever reason, I go blind, right?
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_09: I'm like, okay, this is a problem, okay?
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_09: I pull over to the shoulder, say, let my eyes relax.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_09: All I did all I need to do is see a little bit, and then I can be on the way, right?
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_09: So I'm chilling, all of a sudden my eyesight comes back, but it's purple.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_09: Good enough, right?
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_09: All of a sudden, my hearing snaps back, and I hear a person screaming at me, sir, sir.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_09: I look, fucking flashlight, it's a cop.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_09: Right?
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_09: I'm not on the shoulder, I'm in the fast lane.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_09: He's like, sir, sir, license registration, put that goddamn dick away, right?
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_09: I'm like, sir, I can't put the dick away, sir.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_09: I can't put the dick away.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_09: But I got my license.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_09: I go in my pocket, oh, I don't have any fucking pockets.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_09: I got on my nigga leggings.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_09: Friday night, 11:30.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_09: I'm 16, I look 11.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_09: I gotta go to jail for the weekend.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_09: What I realized though is that when you go to jail with your dick looking like that, you run shit.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_09: I walked in and like, shut the fuck up and sit down.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_09: This is my jail now.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_09: I immediately became the leader of the game.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_09: They nicknamed me, they named me Rock.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_09: That was my nickname.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_09: A couple guys tried to challenge me for my spa, but it never got physical.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_09: I would be like, What?
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_09: Is there a fucking problem?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_09: I didn't allow any fighting because we because we're better than that.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_09: You know, guys would bring me their issues.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_09: Hey Rock! Ray stole my noodles! I'll be like, Ray, get over here! What is wrong with you?
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_10: I do think that 90s kids came up with the wildest game ever.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_10: I remember it well.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_10: It was like 1999.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_10: I was in the fifth or sixth grade, sitting there talking to a girl I had a crush on.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_10: I was trying to tell her I had a four-wheeler because I knew that'd move things along.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_10: And about that time, my best friend came up and just yanked my pants to the ground.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_10: Y'all remember this?
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_10: This game was lawless.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_10: It didn't make any sense.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_10: A bunch of middle schoolers going around and just yanking each other's pants down.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_10: And it went on.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_10: There was a little curiosity in there, I think.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_10: In hindsight, some of us hate to admit that.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_10: It didn't make any sense.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_10: You'd just be hanging out with your buddy, and he'd be like, Let's take a look at that, you know?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_10: Isn't that wild?
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_10: And they tried to like deflect it, you know.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_10: I can remember well, you'd be standing there, they'd pull your pants down and go, You're gay, and take off.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_10: You're like, how am I gay?
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_10: You just pulled my pants.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_10: No, that's not, that happened so fast.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_10: You don't get to do that and run away.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_10: We just went fishing together.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_01: Did you know that when a woman gets pregnant and she decides to go for it, um, she's got to get sober that day.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: The day that she finds out.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: With no going away party.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_01: We don't talk about that.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_01: That is that's a real sacrifice, alright?
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_01: Do you guys think you could get sober today as a surprise?
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta give up everything, too.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta give up alcohol, drugs, sushi, snowboarding, botox, sex in weird positions.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_01: Everything you love.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_01: And it's just for a cluster of cells, too.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's not even like a fully formed baby.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, all of a sudden, I'm respecting the hope of a baby more than I've ever respected my full grown self.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_14: I uh I got married in my early 20s.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_14: Anyone else is an idiot?
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_14: No, I don't regret it.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_14: I don't actually don't.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_14: Like, a lot of people are like, don't do it if you're too young.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_14: Don't no, I don't regret it.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_14: If you know in your heart that your visa is expiring, you go for it.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_14: You follow your little heart.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_14: Got divorced, um, found out very ugly thing.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_14: I found out that my ex-husband now tells people that I only married him for a green card.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_14: I'm this Eastern European ho who just wanted a green card, which is so messed up because that's my joke.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_14: Obviously, I didn't I didn't marry him for a green card, but I don't like the way women who do marry for a green card are treated in America.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_14: They're treated like gold diggers, which is so unfair because from what I hear, like goldiggers, they get like a trip to the exotic places and handbags and shoes and cars and free rent.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_14: You know what a green card is, right?
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_14: It's a permission to work.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_14: It doesn't come with a house or a car.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_14: So I think we need to stop slot framing women who suck a dick so they can do jury duty.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_14: Because nobody loves this country more than a woman who sucked a dick to be here.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_14: And if you are sucking and fucking that ugly old dick just so you can have bad health insurance and a minimum wage job, you're not a gold digger.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_14: You're a patriot.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_12: I had my my car.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_12: I drive a 2004 Pontiac vibe.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_12: You I know you're jealous, but it's got 400,000 miles on it.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_12: Yeah, yeah, she she goes.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_12: And I I I had a little trouble with her.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_12: Uh I I uh I had to call the triple A guy.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_12: The starter went out.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_12: And I called a triple A guy.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_12: Triple A guy comes, pulls up, he gets out of the car, he's about his truck, he's about 6'4, he weighs about 120.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_12: So I know if shit goes down, I can take him.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_12: Oh yeah.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_12: You know, he says, What seems to be the problem?
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_12: I said it's the starter.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_12: He goes, Okay, I'll get the jumper cables.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_12: No.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_12: It's the starter.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_12: He goes, Yeah, I'm gonna jump you.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_12: Well, thanks for the offer.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_12: But I'm not paying off one more student loan.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_12: And then he expects me to get in the truck by myself, and the the first step is right at my hoo-hoo.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_12: It's right at the hoo hoo.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_12: And I'm I, hey, I I'm struggling.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_12: And he goes, Can I help you?
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_12: He goes, Do you need assistance?
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_12: I go, I need the fire department.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_12: And he and and you he goes, May I have permission to put my hands on your ass?
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_12: I said, You can put it on it, you can put it in it, you can you can wear it like a hat.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_12: I don't care.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_12: I'm going with my car.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_11: I had a colonoscopy, and when it was over, they said we'll see you in ten years, and I thought, but fuck you well.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_11: I uh tried using that face aging app.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_11: They said, nah, you're good.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_11: I'm a gamer.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_11: Do we have any gamers?
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_11: What's your game?
• 24:24
  unknown: Rocket League.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_11: I'm sorry?
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_11: Rocket League.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_11: Rocket League.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_11: Tic tac-toe.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_11: Sometimes till seven o'clock at night.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_11: Walking can be difficult for me at times.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_11: I do worry about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_11: I also worry about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_10: I gained 20 pounds during the quarantine because I got into crock pots real heavy.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_10: We've all messed around with a crock pot or two, but I bought a power strip.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_10: I started running four or five at a time.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_10: I couldn't believe that they invented something I could forget about and absolutely nailed.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_10: I mean, can y'all believe that?
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_10: I have ADHD.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_10: Nothing in this world's ever been built for me.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_10: Everything's built against me.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_10: But not crock pots.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_10: They're made for us, ADHD people.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_10: I mean, people come over, they're like, Derek, these are the best beans I've ever had.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_10: What'd you do to them?
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_10: I'm like, I'll be honest, I forgot about them.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_10: Yeah, 17 hours on low.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_10: How about that?
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_06: We start watching this piece on National Geographic, talking about the plight of the bees.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_06: Narrator goes on to say that if all the bees on the planet died, that the birds would be next.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_06: And then us.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_04: And my boy is like, we gotta save the bees.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_04: That shit is real, that's real.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_04: Now that I think about it, I ain't see a bee all summer.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_06: Now you informed.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_06: Now go inform the other brothers.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_06: Take us with you.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_06: Then the narrator goes on to say, uh, the European bee is a much more kinder and gentler bee.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_06: As opposed to the Africanized bee, which is a much more aggressive, hostile bee.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_06: Really?
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_06: Just gonna try to sneak racism into the buckwheat.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_06: Like European bees are floating around like.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_05: So what are we going to do today?
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_06: Maybe we can pollinate these flowers like the African bees in his beehive, like who are we?
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_05: Who are we going to sting today?
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_05: That is an unsuspecting white man out there.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_05: They want us to be killa bees, then killa bees we will be.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: I was talking to a comedian friend of mine recently, and he looked at me and he said, Hey, why don't you have any jokes about your lazy eye?
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that's how I found out that I had a lazy eye.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I don't have a lazy eye.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, oh.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: But it scared me.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: I made an appointment with an eye doctor.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: I went to a new doctor, had never been to her before, and uh I walked in and she was very young.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the youngest doctor I've ever seen, like Gen Z, I'm pretty sure.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I get a little nervous around the Z.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um just because I feel like they're judging me for doing something wrong.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want everybody to like me.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um But I walked in and I just rolled out of bed.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was like looking really grubby and I was like in my head about it.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, hey, nice to meet you.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry about how I look.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: I swear I'm not homeless.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why I think she was Gen Z, because she said, Oh, no worries, you don't look unhoused.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh man, I blew it already.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: She's judging me.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: Said the wrong word.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: But then she was like, uh, so what brings you in today?
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh, I think that like maybe one of my eyes is on hard working.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_11: Every time I leave my apartment, I have to go back because I forgot something.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_11: Tonight I reach for my wallet, and what you know it?
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_11: I forgot my pants.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_11: I found this new technique which has improved my memory.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_11: I quit listening to people.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_11: So I have less crap to remember.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_07: People be misjudging me all the time, dog.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_07: I'm actually from the suburbs.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_07: Boom, in your face.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_07: Bet you didn't know that.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_07: I'm from Fort Worth, Texas, man.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_07: I'm from the suburbs.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_07: And I say it with pride because I'm proud of where I'm from.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_07: All my homeboys from the hood, right?
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_07: They be trying to make me feel bad, and I don't.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_07: They're like, you from the suburbs?
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_07: Like, yeah, like you bougie.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_07: Like, mm-hmm I could be, I don't know.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_07: I grew up with everything I wanted.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_07: I had incredible Christmases.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_07: My boy's like, I'm from the projects.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_07: You know what that's like?
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_07: I'm like, absolutely not.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_07: You wanna go?
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_07: Heavens no.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_07: And leave this great community?
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_07: No.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_07: Biggest misconception, biggest misconception.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_07: People walk up to me all the time.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_07: You ain't never been in a fight because you ain't from the streets.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_07: You ain't never been in a real fight because you ain't from the streets.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_07: I'm like, that's ridiculous.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_07: I've been in plenty of fights.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_07: They were just in really nice neighborhoods.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_07: Like one time I got beat up in front of a neighborhood watch sign before, right?
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_07: It's a true story.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_07: I'm so arrogant.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_07: The whole time I'm getting beat up, I'm like, help has to be on the way.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_07: We pay way too much money for somebody not to be watching this shit.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_07: Jack!
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_10: You're on duty! The games in the 90s were insane.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_10: We didn't have the internet.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_10: 90s kids were the last generation before the internet.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_10: And all the games before us were terrible.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_10: I mean, I asked my mom what'd y'all play growing up?
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_10: She said, kick the can.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_10: I was like, that's a sad story, Stacy.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_10: I mean, that's a game I wouldn't even be able to play in Colorado.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_10: You'd have six hipsters show up.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_10: Pick up the can! This is how we lost the damn dinosaur.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_10: You wouldn't be able to play that.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_10: Some of y'all over the age of 45 had some of the dumbest games ever.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_10: You thought Tetherball was the lifestyle game.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_10: That's a stupid a ball, a pole, and a rope.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_10: You're an idiot.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_10: Just standing there in the yard smacking a ball around.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_10: You can't believe it keeps coming back to you.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_10: This shit's electric.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_10: It's because we didn't have we didn't have internet yet.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_10: I mean, I can remember growing up, I'd ring people's doorbells and take off and jump in the ditch.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_10: It felt like drugs, y'all.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_10: I mean, I'd ring three or four doorbells.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_10: I'd be sitting in the ditch and I'd be like, I'm a gang, I'm a gang member now.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_10: I got the whole subdivision upside down right now.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_10: Just silly games.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_10: That were fun back then.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_10: Duck Duck Goose hit hard in the 90s.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_10: Y'all remember that?
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_10: I mean, I'm telling you, I wasn't the goose you wanted.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_10: I can promise you that.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_10: Don't come tap my head because I'm on your ass.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_10: You know what I'm saying?
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_10: I mean, I was tight around that circle.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_10: I had ponytails off my knees.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_10: I was tight around that circle.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_10: This ain't the goose you want, buddy.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_08: I'm a Harry Potter fan.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_08: Y'all fuck with Harry Potter?
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_08: Yeah, yeah.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_08: I hate when I tell people I like Harry Potter, they always ask me if I read the books.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_08: Like, I said I was a fan, not a virgin, nigga.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_08: Then they always want to ask me, what house you think you would have been in?
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_08: Gryffindor, Ravenclaw?
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_08: Nah, I'd have been in with the black house.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_08: And everybody knows the black house of Harry Potter's the Weaslies.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_08: Oh my ass, that Weasley, that's a black family right there.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_08: It's eight motherfuckers in one house, only one of them got a job.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_08: The two older kids and graduated won't move out.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_08: They selling illegal animals and shit.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_08: Motherfucker got a pit dragon.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_08: How you get a pit dragon?
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_08: Harry Potter's my shit.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_08: We went to school with Harry for 12 years.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_08: This nigga never graduated.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_08: He got the senior year, blew the school up, and it's like, ah, y'all, I'm gone.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_08: Hogwarts such a fucking magical place.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_08: You don't even think about it.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_08: Hogwarts the only school ever in the history of schools with co-ed dorms and nobody got pregnant.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_08: Oh my, that's the movie I want to see.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_08: Fuck the half-blood prints.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_08: What we gonna do with the magical baby?
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_08: That's the movie.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_08: What?
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_08: Harry Potter and the abortion?
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_08: What fucking potion you use on the Drink it all, bitch.