Latest / Beautifully Complex / 257: The Control Trap, with Penny Williams

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257: The Control Trap, with Penny Williams · Beautifully Complex

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When we try to control other people, we are doing the opposite that we
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intend to do. Our kids are not here for us to control them.
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They're not here for us to determine what they do and when they do it,
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and what's important to them and how things get done. They're their own
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individual person. Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast, where I share insights and
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strategies on parenting neurodiversent kids straight from the trenches. I'm your host, Penny
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Williams. I'm a parenting coach, author and mindset mama, honored to guide
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you on the journey of raising your a typical kid. Let's get started.
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Hi, friends, Welcome back to Beautifully Complex. I have a somewhat personal
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topic to discuss with you today. Not personal in that it's personal to me
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or experience, but personal in the fact that I feel really passionate about it
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and I find it very troublesome, and I just want to share my viewpoint
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about control and the trap that we fall into, not just as parents,
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but as a society in focusing on control. I am definitely a true crime
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junkie. It is the sociologist in me, and I also have a deep
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interest in cults, and things like that. And again it's the sociology background
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that I have that interest in how we interact with each other as a culture
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and a society, that it really provides that interest, plus my interest in
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psychology of course, and why people do what they do and things like that.
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And so if any of you are interested in those same things, you
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might have already noticed a new documentary series on Netflix called The Program by director
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Catherine Koubler, who also is pivotal in that story as well. And I
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also have this real issue with binging things. So I've already watched the whole
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thing, even though I think it came out at some point last week as
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I'm recording this, So within a couple of days I had watched the whole
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thing. Stayed up too late one night, and I was just so immersed
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in the story of these teens who had been at this troubled teen private boarding
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school. Right in this particular boarding school that she talks about, Ivy Ridge
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in New York, they actually would send someone to kidnap your kid out of
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their bed and handcuff them and put them on a plane and take them to
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the school, which is very much a scare tactic and then you know,
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as they unfold the story about what happened to them as kids at this particular
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school, we see that it was all about fear and control and sort of
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breaking the will of teenagers, and it was just all about control. And
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as I watched every single moment of this program and them explaining kid after kid
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who had been at this school the trauma, the deep, deep trauma that
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they have endured that has greatly impacted their lives, I just kept thinking about
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behavior. And again, this is such a clear signal that we as a
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culture, as human beings, the sense that we need to control kids just
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happens in so many cultures and maybe all of them. And what we know
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in the science, what we know about neurology and our autonomic nervous system and
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about psychology, is that all of the things that we do to control kids
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actually make things worse. Do you all hear me on this? When we
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try to control other people, we are doing the opposite that we intend to
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do. Our kids are not here for us to control them. They're not
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here for us to determine what they do and when they do it, what's
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important to them, and how things get done. They are their own individual
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person, and when we have challenging behavior, which is how kids end up
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in these troubled teen programs in schools, we need to be leaning away from
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control and leaning into a humanistic approach, a humanistic approach. So let me
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dive a little deeper in this now that I have fully immersed you in part
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of my rant and part of my pain from watching this documentary, because again,
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the whole time, I'm just thinking, this is like a very clear
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four or five hour seminar on what not to do, on how to completely
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destroy your child, and that was not the intention of these parents. The
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intention of these parents was to help their kid because they were at their wits
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and they had no idea what to do. Because we are not as a
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culture addressing behavior in a humanistic way. So what we should be doing is
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focusing on the following eight things. There are eight things that help us to
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feel good so we can do good, and these are proven by research and
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science and our understanding of the brain and our autonomic nervous system. This is
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what we know we need to be regulated and to feel capable and confident so
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that we can do well in the world. The first one, and you
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guys know this if you've been listening to more than just this one episode.
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It's connection and real life relationships. When we feel connected, our system feels
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settled, it feels okay, it feels competent, so that things feel more
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doable, and taking a risk and stepping out feels more doable. At this
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school that was documented in the program Ivy Ridge, they were forbidden to create
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relationships and connection with other students because the school wanted complete control over every kid,
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and they suspected wrongly that you know, you put a bunch of air
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quotes bad kids together, they're only going to scheme to do more bad things
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again with my air quotes. Right, We know that's not true. We
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know that everyone needs connection in order to feel good so they can do good.
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And so all of these kids were purposefully robbed of making connection. So
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even though they were in a school with hundreds of other teens going through something
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similar at least hardship, they were all going through this institutional trauma and they
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couldn't support each other. They weren't allowed. They got in trouble, big
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trouble, sometimes physical restraint and abuse, honestly abuse. So we know that
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connection is super important in making things doable and in making us feel like we
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can go out in the world and succeed at something. So any program that
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removes that ability to connect, whether it's isolation, whether it's you know,
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rules that forbid such things, that is a red flag. It will be
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traumatizing. It will have the opposite effect on your kid then what you want.
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And the majority of these Troubled teen programs are about control and completely eliminating
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connection, and that is a recipe for disaster. You're adding trauma and you're
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adding things that are going to escalate that situation. So the second thing that
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we all need to feel good and be able to do good is to feel
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seen, truly seen as our authentic selves. When you are put into an
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environment where you are told what to think, what to wear, who you
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can talk to and not talk to, when you can talk to them and
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not talk to them, it strips of all sense of individuality, which these
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types of schools and programs do on purpose. But again, we need to
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feel seen as human beings to feel good and do good. We also need
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to feel heard. Number three. We need to feel heard. In order
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to feel good and do good, we have to feel like people are listening
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to us, like what we have to say even matters, because what every
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person has to say matters. Every single thing someone has to say matters because
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it matters to them, and that is important. And when we don't pay
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attention to what people are trying to tell us or are actually telling us with
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their words, we don't make them feel feel good. We make them feel
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bad. Right, And when we don't feel good, it's really hard to
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do good. It's really hard to take risks, it's really hard to put
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yourself out there, it's really hard to continue to even try. And so
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again, these programs that rob kids of these things are actually making things worse
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instead of better. Number four of what we need to feel good so we
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can do good is to feel understood. And again this ties in with feeling
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seen and heard, and it ties in with allowing kids to be their authentic
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selves, to not try to change or stifle who they are, especially to
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do that for the comfort of others. You know, Masking comes to mind
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when I talk about this A lot of people on the spectrum, and I
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would say also people just with different mental health issues anxiety depression ADHD, especially
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social anxiety. We mask so that people don't know that we're struggling. We
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mass so that we can fit in and be accepted. And when we feel
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like we need to mask, we don't feel seen, heard, or understood.
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And that also ties into number five, a sense of belonging. If
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we don't have a sense of belonging, we can't feel good. And if
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we can't feel good, we can't do good. And you can't get a
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true, genuine sense of belonging if you don't feel seen, heard, and
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understood, if you don't feel like you can be your authentic self, you
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can't have a sense of belonging when you are not your authentic self around others.
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So even if you feel like they have accepted you, you've been accepted
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based on a facade. Right, That doesn't feel genuine, and so you
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don't feel a genuine sense of belonging. And again I'm going to repeat this
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over and over and over. If you don't have that, you don't feel
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good. If you don't feel good, you can't do good. So now
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we're on number six autonomy. This is such a big one, such a
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big one. We all need to have a sense of control over ourselves,
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over what happens to us over our destiny. We need to feel a sense
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of control. For people with anxiety, this is huge if we're talking about
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kids, teens, young adults with things yetiety. They need a sense of
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control more than anything else because that anxiety is a lack of a feeling of
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control over what might happen. And you know, this program at Ivy Ridge
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and this documentary that I've been talking about specifically and very purposefully is designed to
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remove all autonomy, all autonomy. It is designed to make them behave exactly
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the way that they want them to with no decisions on the part of the
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teens. They had no say whatsoever. If they tried to have a say,
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they were punished. It's traumatizing to be trapped in a place where you
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have no control over yourself and you can't even leave. In this instance,
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when you feel like you have no control, you do not feel good.
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Your anxiety is super high. You don't feel like you belong, you don't
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feel like you've been seen, heard, or understood, you don't feel like
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you're connecting to anyone. Right, all of these things that I'm talking about
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here are very very interconnected. This is woven together like a fabric, right,
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this human experience and condition requires these very connected things in order for us
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to feel good about ourselves and be able to move through the world in a
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confident way, where we are able to get things done, where things feel
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doable, and having autonomy is so important. I've talked about this before,
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Like even super young kids, we need to start giving them a sense of
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autonomy very early. We shouldn't be dictating to our kids what every decision in
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their life is going to be, right. We don't want them to depend
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on us as adults, so we have to start teaching them how to make
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good decisions when they are in control very early, and that can start with
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measured choices. Do you want to have the Disney plate or the Action Adventure
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plate right for your food? Clearly I have older kids. I don't know
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what kids watch now, so I don't have specific examples. I feel like
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such an old person at the moment, but you get what I'm trying to
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say. Give them some choices and let them make the ultimate decision. That's
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how you start early in giving kids a sense of autonomy and independence. And
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when they have that, things are much more doable. People are much more
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flexible, and some of our kids really struggle with that flexibility. Right,
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So now we're on number seven, seven out of eight, number seven,
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and really this should be number one. Feeling safe. If you don't feel
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safe, you cannot do good. Cannot It's physically impossible because your autonomic nervous
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system is dysregulated. It is firing all kinds of alarms, and those alarms
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are overwhelming. They are knocking your thinking brain offline. You know, this
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is just one big biological domino effect when we don't feel safe. And I'm
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talking about more than physical safety here now, in a lot of these troubled
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teen programs, they don't feel physically safe and they're not. Honestly, what
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they showed in this documentary about the specific program, these kids were physically abused
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a lot of the times. Their life was in jeopardy many times. It's
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very sad and very traumatic, but they need to feel safe, not only
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physically, but also psychologically, emotionally and socially. And when you're removing that
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sense of autonomy and connection and being able to be your authentic self, you
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don't feel safe. You don't feel safe in an environment where you can't be
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yourself, where you can't make decisions for yourself. And you know, as
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I'm talking about this, and I know as you're listening to this, this
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is pretty common sense stuff. But the problem is that our culture says,
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no, we have to control people, we have to control kids, and
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we sort of follow that blindly, right, That's what we grow up knowing
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for the most part, most of us. And so while this is common
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sense, as we dig deep and unpack it, we're not going there as
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a culture. And we need to. We need to do this for every
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kid, for every future adult, for the future of our society. That
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sounds dramatic, but it is one hundred percent true, folks, one hundred
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percent. This is where we need to be shifting our narrative about behavior.
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So let's do number eight. The very last thing that goes on my list
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of what we need to feel good and do good is feeling love and cared
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for. If we feel loved and cared for, we feel connection, we
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feel belonging right like we have relationships with others. We feel seen, hurt
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and understood. We feel like we can make mistakes and get through them.
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And when you're in a really inflexible environment, your home culture, one of
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these troubled teen experiences or schools. You don't have that. And honestly,
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what a lot of these kids in this documentary shared is that they felt very
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rejected and abandoned by their own parents. And to defend these parents, they
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were also controlled and manipulated in a very huge way to keep their kids in
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the program, to keep them there, to not believe them when they say
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this place is awful, this place is traumatic. I really feel like I
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need to leave here and come home. You know, the parents were provided
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a narrative that, of course your kid's going to say that, because they
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want to control you, right, they're manipulating you. And really, you
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know, the industry, the program was manipulating the parents. So you know,
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as parents, we can easily fall into these traps. And that's why
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I've called this episode the control trap, because this is a really societal trap
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that is laid out right in front of our feet as parents, as educators,
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and it's just awful, you know, it's just awful. And I
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just really, really really want to help you guys sidestep the control trap.
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I really do, because this is where we raise really grounded, comfortable,
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authentic, happy kids into adults that is where kids who are neurodivergent can find
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success. It is not within us trying to make them fit into our neurotypical
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world. And we have to be very careful that we don't make kids feel
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rejected or abandoned. Even in our day to day parenting, this happens,
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you know. We so often are told like, make your kids sit in
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time out right, send your kids to their room. I mean, my
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god, we all grew up that way. We were all sent to our
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room when we misbehaved. Again, I have my air quotes going. You
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can't see me, but misbehaved as an air quotes, that was the way
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that we were raised. But it's a sense of rejection very often on the
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receiving end. So I want you all to really maybe list these out on
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a piece of paper, these eight things that we need to feel good and
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do good. Connection and relationships, feeling seen, feeling heard, feeling understood,
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having a sense of belonging, a sense of autonomy, feeling safe,
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and feeling loved and cared about. Write those down where you can revisit them
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many many times, and really think about them in your day to day life
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with your kids, in your day to day work, in classrooms or in
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your therapy practice, your occupational therapy, your behavior play therapy, all these
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things. Think about how what you're doing is received by the kids, teens
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and young adults. Are you giving them a sense that they can be who
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they are, that you see, feel here and understand them. It's so
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so important, especially for challenging complex kids, especially for teens who fit into
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this troubled teen again with my air coats, because I hate the term.
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They're not troubled teens. They're surrounded by people who don't get them, and
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they don't see that they're signaling loud and clear that they need help, that
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they are struggling. It should be called the struggling team industry, and it
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should be totally totally different, one hundred percent different. Okay, ran over,
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So I encourage you, if you have any interest in this, to
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watch this Netflix documentary series called The Program. It is really eye opening and
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gives you a very clear picture of what not to do, and it really
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helps you to feel very strongly about not doing it honestly, and you know,
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just remember that the way kids receive things isn't necessarily the way we intend
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them. And sometimes our really really really good intentions are traumatizing to kids,
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they send the wrong messages or they're received in a different way than we intend
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them. So be very mindful of that. Be very mindful of these eight
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areas with your own kids and students and clients so that you don't accidentally have
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these sort of issues. So you can get the show notes for this episode
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at PARENTINGADHD and Autism dot com slash two five seven for episode two hundred and
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fifty seven, I will have this documentary series on Netflix linked up there,
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and I hope that you have learned something from this that maybe this has been
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my opening for you as well. If not, at least I hope that
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it has sort of reignited your passion around taking a humanistic approach to behavior.
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I will see all of you in the next episode. Take good care.
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Thanks for joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If you enjoyed this episode,
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please subscribe and share, and don't forget to check out my online courses
25:56
and parent coaching at Parenting ADHD and Autism dot com and at The Behavior Revolution
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dot Com m HM