Latest / Comedy Central Stand-Up / Fernando Moraño- Fernandertal

Transcript

Fernando Moraño- Fernandertal · Comedy Central Stand-Up

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Comedy Central Podcast. Okay, thank you. First of all, thank you
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all who are here tonight for your presence and those who have not been able
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to come to thank you for your absence, because you have to be grateful
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in this fucking world. Not how you are moderately. I don' t
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dare make assessments about my state of mind. I' m waiting for standard
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press make the report. You know standard am purs in Spanish standard and purs
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is mediocre and poor. It is as if the People' s Party,
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in a great exercise of sincerity, were to be called the Papist and then
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not, or the Socialist Party, for example, you are to be called
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the Party, which is parties without ethical objectives. It wouldn' t be
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more or less similar. Not good. Seeing what my start has been,
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we' re going to take off our masks. Friends. I am Fernando
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Moreño and I belong to the fifteen meters of this new radical terrorist movement.
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I' m sorry, but not on pressure. We have been linked to
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Alcaeda, the far right Spanish and Neta. We are what is said,
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a great example of living together in earnest. Not really. I was at
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home the other day cooking and I heard on the radio the fifteen meters the
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puppies of ETA and I said I was freaked out at that moment call my
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mother, because you know that mothers as soon as there is a problem,
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there they are already. Besides, it says what you do, son,
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and nothing, Mom that I' m a terrorist. Says and pays well,
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I good raw, but well what time we' re going to do
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no, and says well, son, mine And it can be what you
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' ve done to call you magazine, because you haven' t lentils,
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mom and you don' t make lentils anymore that you' re all day
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sliding the favor, but it' s awesome. No, but, well,
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it must be said that 15 meters is full. It' s full.
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It is full of dangerous groups, such as teachers, students, doctors,
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people very harmful to society, not who are usually repressed by riot control.
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Eh I don' t know if you know that the budget in riot
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control has multiplied only one thousand seven hundred eighty percent, because, as we
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are in a time of austerity, we don' t want to pass either.
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And yes, because let' s really say they' re investing in
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a new education system because teachers open minds, but riot control opens heads directly.
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Thought goes faster in the new fiber optics. You know what it looks
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like. Yes, they are investing in a new system of education, which
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is the one that says that the letter with blood comes from all life.
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But it seems that all the jobs promised by the People' s Party are
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going to be bad luck. Not in that sense, because we have been
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luckier. We know that these collectives are generally used to maintain public order.
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But since public order has been privatized and they no longer know what they are
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defending, they are giving the right and sinister shit and they don' t
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know anything about it. And it makes me angry that they beat teachers to
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doctors, students, people related to conscience, to humanity, to knowledge and,
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for example, to the coast that is crying out for a host and
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that no one remembers it. You know, it tastes bad, it tastes
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bad. Thank you, thank you. In any case, I mean good.
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I belong to the fifteenth, because I am a rebel. I'
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m a rebel. I am a rebel because the world has done this to
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me, not because no one has treated me with love and because it gets
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out of my mind, no, among many other things. I didn'
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t imagine if I heard rebel I was born dead, uh, and look
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at me now what' s tampa, uh, I' m about to
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move in. Not really. I' ve overcome fivesides, the last one
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with pimple and twenty- five crustipates that don' t kill, but bother.
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Hey, things are the way they are and you' re gonna say
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pussy with everything that' s happened to him, he hasn' t dropped
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his hair or anything. He' s got great hair why. Because I
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' m a strong constitution, not like this country. Hey, the Constitution
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is like my cousin, she doesn' t respect anyone. Thank you.
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They' ll still fucking tell you. If this guy hasn' t died
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with everything that' s happened, he' s agreed with the devil pussy.
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The socialists or the populars don' t agree and nothing happens. The
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other day I was reading the press because I' m a snop. I
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will not deny it and in the contact section I see Socialist Party. Look
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for voters. It doesn' t matter ideology. We haven' t had
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one in a while. But, yes, I am Satan' s son.
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I am Satan' s son, but not because I love the person.
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I' m a charming being who can take me wherever you want to
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see I' m a very nice guy. The thing is, I'
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ve had bad luck. Not that I have infinite evil within me. I
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' ve had bad luck why. Because my mother is called Luz and my
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father Fernando and I, because I am the son of Luz Ifer, but
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it has been bad luck. Don' t condemn me so quickly. Besides,
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I don' t believe in hell. I don' t think there
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' s any hell after this no improvement. I don' t believe it.
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I don' t believe in paradise, as Luis Bárcenas would say.
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You know, Luis Bárcena you' ve known in the People' s Party
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as Luis the bastard I give him. Luis, I don' t get
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it, not really, but, well, thank you. Then there is
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the Muslim paradise or the people of the Cuscus clan who say that in paradise
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you expect forty- seven virgins for your marine dick you know forty- seven
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virgins. I say what a fucking paradise you know you' re making it
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up, curate it forty- seven sexually experienced women. That' s what
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I' m buying from you Between you coming and not coming, they'
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re riding between them. That' s cool. Yes, sir, it
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' s true. It' s true, we don' t really find
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ourselves in this situation. I don' t believe in anything. I don
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' t believe in the existence of anything. I don' t think anything
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exists. There is no God, no God exists. Let' s see
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they say that God created the world in seven days and the last day off
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go fucking faggot. I have turned the seven days of the week into rest
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Who lives like God? Now, uh, I ask, I ask,
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uh, seriously. Besides, if God were Spanish, he would have created
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the world at the last minute and bad he would have told him and this
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shit calatravajaaaa. And the arranged calatrava wing is the same man who designed Holy
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Week. Because that' s very unpleasant. I' m so sorry,
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guys with caps, others whipping each other, and then we satanics are the
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ones who do a relaxing Santa week, people enjoy you, people look good,
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not pussy, which is that people who have faith have to carry some
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saints who weigh 70, 000 tons. Man make some span saints because those
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people will have faith, but they will have a back. You don'
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t know I say I' m true some light saints that you can bring
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us in and out of the Church several times, do procession races fucking Santadeo
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against San Nicanor with overtakings. You know you see there' s excitement,
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they' re looking for the show. Not Easter football teams. For example,
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Real Madrid would be the official team for Easter. They play Ramos Cristiano
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Dimoria Casillas, who is a martyr and Florentino Pérez, who is a superior
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and good and pepe being that is determinative. No, I wouldn' t
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miss anyone there, it wouldn' t be okay. No, but there
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are those who look like changes in the Church. The Church has to adapt
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to society. This new pope seems to be changing it. Everything is very
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revolutionary. Well, maybe he' s branding a rooster and then it'
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s all lies. But, well, looks like the guy' s got
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good intentions. Thank you. Not really. You know the old Pope abandoned
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us, the German pastor left us. I said something about not being true.
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Now we have an Argentine Pope, the first Argentine to claim to be
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only the Pope. No, no, no, no, no, no,
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no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
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no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
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no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
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no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This
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has never been seen before. I really would have preferred the black pope.
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I was very of the black pope. I would have liked a black pope,
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Dominican, Puerto Rican, Cuban, a daddy not seriously, someone who
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goes out and tells people like Jesucrista, told the people of Judea, the
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people of Judea, dog, dog and background I like gasoline or Jesus Christ
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move hips, if you are the king of Christians with panties. Well,
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this fantasy. I' ve already gotten carried away. Excuse me, uh,
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excuse me In any case, a good- looking dad. That'
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s good. Not those preachers who go to the subway. I don'
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t know if you' ve seen them first thing in the morning and they
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start the messiah will come down from the sky to sow the apocalypse. You
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' ll die, preachers, one day I approached one and you tell him
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shut up that it' s me how to end up with a madman being
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crazier than him. You know that works. No, but I didn'
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t come here to talk to you about the difference between good and evil,
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because I am all adults and you know that the difference between good and evil
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is wider with a good lawyer involved, that is to say tell Kams.
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He can explain it perfectly. Not in that sense. No, but come
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on. I didn' t come here to make that kind of explanation.
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I am not the son of God, I am not the son of Satan.
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I' m the crisis, I' m Cris and Chris for friends
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you thought you were going to sell flats all your life and sons of Puta.
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You didn' t take into account the power of Chris and I had
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to get everyone scared with how good I was at home. But, well,
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you have to pay the mortgage, you have to make a living.
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It' s very wrong, uh, my mother, there' s the
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depleted uranium, almost uranium mania, yeah, really, uh that' s
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like a name of village uranium seriously. Before, they used to tell you
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a little nuclear power. It was going well as if I were talking to
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you, I was taking you out of the coffee. You know, but
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now, after Fukushima, no one believes in nuclear power. Imagine that the
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next Gotzila movie is going to come out rebuilding Japan as to where it was
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freaking out. No. It' s a bad thing. Markets don'
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t believe in us. The other day I went down to my fruit maker
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and told him why you didn' t do it. This true and good
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did not answer me, but I took a couple of beautiful onions that doesn
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' t take it away from you. Nobody. It' s a bad
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thing. It' s a very bad thing, but don' t worry
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because in Europe, in Europe, they' re going to rescue us.
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Europe used to bring big intellectuals like discards and now brings others like cuts.
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Eh, yes Europe, the old continent now known as Karrefur. They have
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decided, thank you, that the solution to our problems is cuts. I
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have to cut my pussy, change their handcraft, passionately paint and coloring a
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more cheerful thing. And we have to cut back on education that' s
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gotten out of hand. And this is the country overeducated. No, seriously,
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it' s an excess, this is a gaffapasta logy. You know,
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no, no, really. You don' t know. You don
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' t know how serious that is. And you put tea of five And
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it' s all about scholarship and knowledge. Had the ninis fight like hear
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it' s called the bantista, who' s a spiritist. Hey,
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no, fuck me. We cannot afford all this from now on in schools.
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We' re not going to teach kids how to write with commas points
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accents parenthesis, because that' s a printing money you' re throwing at
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the end of the year. It' s a money you throw away because
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then they end up in whatsappc come see, come eh ben and conjugating in
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moticonos that that' s the dicks, eh what a man and that people
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before were of numbers or letters, but these generations of signs, that'
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s very rare. Not then, if our children have to grow up to
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be idiots, our children grow up to be idiots. But the square budget,
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that' s the important thing, to square the budget, uh that
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' s and by the way, another whim that you' ve taken the
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working class to live, that can' t be this health thing, that
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you' re all in a health that gives you cover. From now on
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are we going to make cuts in sanitation on October 12th? It will only
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open on the 12th of October. Yeah, I' m sorry. If
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you go to someone else' s hospital, then you cure a frog'
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s ass. If it doesn' t heal today, we' ll see,
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we' ll see. Eh and of course, if you have to
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die, you die. And if you have to die, you die.
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But the square budget, that' s what' s important. Cuadrate the
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budget. And you have to balance the budget, because you have to compete
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and you have to produce. Prauthir and competition compete and produce. It sounds
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like a fucking song from here in Africa, sung by Hitler EP Competition and
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you produce And you have to compete with chilos. How the fuck do you
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compete with a Chinese man a machine programmed to smoke, spit and work?
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How do you compete with a chaino if a cheo retires walking into the light.
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How you compete with a non- che, how we' re going
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to compete with the Chinese, with the child unemployment in this country, children
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who don' t work, and the Chinese over the years are already sewing
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balls. For us. We can' t afford children either if children have
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to work. The children work, but the square budget very well. How
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quickly you understood, uh, because this is trying to explain crack and nobody
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understands it. I' ve got half a frightful legislature left over. I
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can' t allow the children, but neither can the elderly and the retired.
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I don' t know if there are people here who are going to
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retire from this game or pretend to. I' m so sorry. Our
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elders are a luxury we cannot afford. I' m sorry, I'
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m sorry, we' re gonna have to talk to these people. It
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' s just that I have a lot of experience showing work. Hey what
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' s that about charging and not working like that, you can' t
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compete. Spanish retired, please leave the world in an orderly fashion. I
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' m sorry, I' m sorry, we' re gonna get the
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windows off the Segovia bridge and get them going. Hey, hey, hey,
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hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
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hey, hey, hey. Nice, don' t let them see suffering,
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eh that they do. Like the synchronized notation to the crazy little mermaid,
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hey, yeah, yeah, and if there' s one alive,
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let' s ask for it with the petanque. You know, but budget
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moves great friends. Anyway. Another of the great novelties of the neoliberal era
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is the liberal labor forgiveness reform I am always wrong. A liberal labor pardon
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reform must be made in order to make the labour market more flexible The labour
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market must be made more flexible to a point where unfair dismissal of a worker
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will be considered a tribute to the worker, and so the worker will compensate
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his boss for the other whim you have taken, so that an employee can
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be dismissed and hired several times a day according to productivity and economic results,
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creating new methods of revolutionary layoffs, such as comparative dismissal. You get to
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work, you get fired, and at the exit you get hired in half
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and you go home that doesn' t know very well what happened. It
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' s a feeling, a mez co lance not that you liked, uh,
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you got a fired face that you shit ca. You know that young
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people are firing meat. EH. In any case, enough with the regrets,
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enough with the complaints. I have the solution I could only have it.
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I' m clear. We have to make a Spanish revolution. But
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the revolution will be sexual, or it will be hispanish sexual revolution. Yes,
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gentlemen, we cannot compete with the Chinese because they are professional slaves.
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We can' t compete with the Germans because they' re real sons of
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the Great Whore. Then we have to compete with Dominicans, who are poorer,
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but fuck more. Until when we' re gonna let my citizens go
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to bed every night without fucking. The movement is shown by fucking, friends,
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because a well- fucked Spaniard goes better everywhere in his fucking life.
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That' s why I' m going to found the first political party worried
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that you' re left- wing or right- wing, you' re
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working or you' re getting fucked well. Partido Popular bla Partido Popular nor
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a Spaniard without fucking a commitment of everyone. I don' t want women,
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I don' t want husbands, I don' t want lovers,
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I want militants. People who fail for Spain, fuckers, natos who sleep
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with people more and more unpleasant than them. These people will receive money from
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the state for personal damage and will be considered the hero of the homeland.
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What a fucking Popular Party, not a Spaniard without fucking everyone' s engagement.
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In the People' s Party we are going to call general elections.
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Yes, sir We' re here. We are fully in favour of global
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warming. A Partido Popular, not a Spaniard without fucking a commitment of everything.
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I' m worried about young people seriously, these people who won'
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t be able to access decent housing and they' re going to have to
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make love in a shithole or in a room next to their parents for you
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I' m going to build follódromos. Yes, Mr Big, what buildings
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where you can fuck in the company of all your fucking Facebook. Yes,
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friends, Popular Party, not a Spaniard without fucking a commitment of all,
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because to fuck us between four, let' s fuck each other man.
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Yes, Mr Popular Party, not a Spaniard without fucking everyone' s engagement.
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You will be my excitation minister, yes, and you will be my
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minister of making it Popular Party or a Spaniard without fucking a commitment from everyone.
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I' m gonna fuck you all. You want to fuck me.
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That' s how I like it. Friends, there are some who believe
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that the solution to this crisis is to give everyone a pick and a shovel
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and come and bite. I say pussy and what miners protest. And besides,
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if we all get itchy, we' re gonna get the world to
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dismy in the middle of the universe like an effervescent aspirin. It' s
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nothing more. And others say the solution is to put a guillotine in the
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village squares and cut the politicians and bankers' heads off. I can'
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t be in favor of something as wild as the beak and the stop.
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But, my friends, don' t lose faith. Things are fucked up
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but don' t lose faith. The human being is wonderful. What happens
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is that you don' t notice, you notice and you' re here
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conservative, you' ve been offended. I have to tell you that I
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have things of conservative mentality that I deeply respect. I also like to fuck
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without a condom many times