Latest / The Parenting Podcast / The First Steps and Beyond: Growing as a Parent, One Day at a Time | Ep. 141

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The First Steps and Beyond: Growing as a Parent, One Day at a Time | Ep. 141 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  New Parenthood is full of surprises, some beautiful, some messy, and many of them life changing.
• 0:17
  It's not just the baby that's new.
• 0:20
  A new version of you emerges as well.
• 0:26
  Today on the Parenting Podcast, we're peeling back the layers of those early weeks with a newborn, where the lines between exhaustion and joy tend to blur.
• 0:39
  I'm Shirlene, your host.
• 0:41
  And if you're feeling a little overwhelmed or unsure, you are not alone.
• 0:47
  Let's settle in and explore together how we can find a sense of balance, even when it may feel just out of reach.
• 1:04
  Christie: Okay, so we've been talking about babies so much lately.
• 1:08
  Christie: Expected parents.
• 1:09
  Christie: Yes, it's in the air.
• 1:11
  Christie: Have you guys heard of a night nanny?
• 1:15
  Cheryl: No, night like night.
• 1:17
  Cheryl: N I G H T.
• 1:17
  Cheryl: Night man.
• 1:18
  Cheryl: Yes, like a nighttime.
• 1:19
  Cheryl: Not a K N I G H,
• 1:19
  Christie: right?
• 1:21
  Christie: Rides in on a horse.
• 1:24
  Christie: Whoa, a nighttime nanny is, is a thing.
• 1:26
  Christie: Like, what is it?
• 1:27
  Christie: So what are, what are hiring people to come in to feed and do all the baby things at night.
• 1:34
  Christie: Oh, like.
• 1:35
  Christie: And the babies can sleep.
• 1:36
  Christie: sleep through the
• 1:36
  Cheryl: night.
• 1:37
  Cheryl: Oh, like queens and royalty used to do?
• 1:39
  Cheryl: I mean, that kind of thing?
• 1:40
  Christie: Yeah, I mean, it kind of is.
• 1:41
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:42
  Christie: I mean, I was just shocked.
• 1:44
  Christie: I didn't know that existed.
• 1:46
  Christie: Oh, I didn't know that people were doing that when I was having babies.
• 1:48
  Christie: If they did, we didn't have social media to talk about it, and they were in a different tax market.
• 1:53
  Christie: My husband was the night nanny.
• 1:54
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:55
  Nanny, would you get
• 1:55
  Christie: the baby
• 1:56
  and just
• 1:56
  Christie: bring the baby in?
• 1:57
  Christie: Right.
• 1:57
  Christie: Yes.
• 1:58
  Christie: Yes, that was me.
• 1:59
  Christie: As long as I could have the baby delivered to the bed, I was golden, but yeah, I just Thank you.
• 2:04
  Christie: That sounds amazing.
• 2:08
  Cheryl: Well, my problem was Bill was hard to wake up.
• 2:11
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 2:12
  Cheryl: Yeah, so by the time I could wake him up.
• 2:14
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 2:15
  Cheryl: Yeah, I would be so fully awake Yeah, yeah,
• 2:17
  Christie: we did have some of that.
• 2:18
  Christie: Yeah
• 2:19
  Cheryl: Yeah, but they used to way Back in the day, we're talking hundreds of years ago and so forth have wet nurses.
• 2:27
  Cheryl: Yeah, They had my grandfather had a wet nurse.
• 2:30
  Cheryl: Well
• 2:30
  Christie: people still donate their milk.
• 2:32
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:32
  Ellen: Yeah, But if like in my grandfather's case, what his father died.
• 2:38
  Ellen: And then his mother died giving birth.
• 2:40
  Ellen: Oh, wow.
• 2:41
  Ellen: And so the baby needed a wet nurse.
• 2:44
  Ellen: Wow.
• 2:45
  Ellen: So that, I mean, they, they still, and in other parts of the world, they still have wet nurses because Oh, if someone can't.
• 2:51
  Ellen: When there's no
• 2:51
  Christie: options.
• 2:52
  Christie: Yeah, that's great.
• 2:53
  Christie: Well, I mean this night nanny thing.
• 2:55
  Christie: At first I was like flabbergasted, but then I thought that's kind of like, How people used to live in villages with, you know, multi generations around them with a lot of help.
• 3:05
  Christie: And it's not such a bad idea.
• 3:06
  Christie: The old grandmas like me who don't sleep very well get up and get the baby and take care of the baby.
• 3:10
  Christie: Well, there is a whole study called the grandmother effect.
• 3:14
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:14
  Christie: Really?
• 3:14
  Christie: And they do think, like, People who look at evolutionary changes and things like that believe that that grandmothers are around and menopausal to help bring the younger generations up.
• 3:28
  Cheryl: We're talking about family and community.
• 3:30
  Cheryl: I will say, one time, I was in a situation, and I had a little one, And friends said, Would you two go out for your birthday?
• 3:39
  Cheryl: We will watch all the children.
• 3:40
  Cheryl: Oh, yeah.
• 3:42
  Cheryl: So I go, But she's still nursing.
• 3:43
  Cheryl: That's okay.
• 3:44
  Cheryl: No problem.
• 3:45
  Cheryl: And then we got whatever it was.
• 3:48
  Cheryl: Something happened and we couldn't get back in time.
• 3:50
  Cheryl: Oh, okay.
• 3:51
  Cheryl: And so I called us and we're trying to get back.
• 3:55
  Cheryl: And she said, Well, I'm nursing mom right now too and I go, well, give it a try and I was surprising it worked.
• 4:04
  Cheryl: So I had one time I had a wet nurse.
• 4:06
  Cheryl: Oh,
• 4:07
  Ellen: I tried one time with my friend's baby.
• 4:10
  Ellen: I've heard of people doing this.
• 4:11
  Ellen: And well, she couldn't get back and her baby's crying.
• 4:14
  Ellen: She didn't take a bottle.
• 4:15
  Ellen: I'm nursing.
• 4:16
  Ellen: So I tried, but she would not have it.
• 4:17
  Cheryl: Wow, that's really interesting.
• 4:19
  Cheryl: Well, they
• 4:19
  Ellen: do it around the globe.
• 4:20
  Ellen: Yes, they do.
• 4:20
  Ellen: That's how babies live, because they can't all get formula, or their water's too filthy Yeah,
• 4:24
  Christie: well.
• 4:25
  Ellen: You know, for the powdered.
• 4:26
  Ellen: Here we go.
• 4:26
  Cheryl: So, for all of you.
• 4:28
  TMI, maybe?
• 4:31
  Cheryl: Okay, so, this is the second of some episodes we're doing out of, expected parents and new moms saying we have some questions and we hadn't addressed them.
• 4:43
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:43
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 4:44
  Cheryl: So where we left off last time is Christy, you brought up identity.
• 4:48
  Cheryl: Right.
• 4:49
  Cheryl: And that is crucial, and I want to address that, but let's flip what we're doing and we'll address that second.
• 4:54
  Cheryl: What I want to do is I still have some more questions and ideas and let's kind of talk about those and then let's focus on the concept of identity.
• 5:03
  Cheryl: Yeah, that sounds good.
• 5:04
  Cheryl: I want a night
• 5:05
  Ellen: nurse.
• 5:06
  It comes in, it gives me a back rub.
• 5:08
  Yeah, there
• 5:09
  Christie: we go.
• 5:09
  Christie: Can you go potty for me?
• 5:12
  Cheryl: More than that, I would love to just have like, Buzz and go, would you please have this food ready for me?
• 5:18
  Cheryl: Oh, you know, actually I don't want food.
• 5:21
  Cheryl: Would you please, you know, clean my bathroom and assistant?
• 5:26
  Cheryl: Yes, I would like an executive assistant.
• 5:27
  Cheryl: Yes, I
• 5:28
  Ellen: have a morning nanny because my husband gets up early breakfast and coffee Oh, that's nice.
• 5:33
  Ellen: So the dogs come in and wake me up and then I stumble out and everything's ready to go
• 5:39
  Cheryl: Well, no one can talk to you until two cups of coffee.
• 5:41
  Cheryl: Yes and ten o'clock in that Yeah, that's
• 5:43
  Christie: kind of an understood rule at our house Yeah.
• 5:45
  Cheryl: All right.
• 5:46
  Cheryl: So a couple of questions have to do with, postpartum care for the mom.
• 5:52
  Cheryl: And so of course we'd say deferred all your medical people for the actual care.
• 5:57
  Cheryl: But they're saying, what do we do about the actual season?
• 6:02
  Cheryl: of postpartum emotionally like the ups and downs kind of how would y'all speak into that a little bit of that.
• 6:11
  Cheryl: Did y'all have severe changes or was it just regular?
• 6:17
  Christie: Well, I mean, Regular, I guess.
• 6:20
  Christie: It's all relative, right?
• 6:22
  Christie: It doesn't feel regular.
• 6:24
  Christie: But, yeah, I think that would be the first thing I'd say to young moms is just expect it.
• 6:29
  Christie: Expect the ups and downs.
• 6:30
  Christie: Anticipate.
• 6:31
  Christie: Not, not in a, you know, fearful way.
• 6:35
  Christie: But just like, it's a bumpy little transition.
• 6:38
  Christie: It's like bad PMS.
• 6:40
  Christie: Yes.
• 6:40
  Christie: You know, there's all the
• 6:41
  Ellen: emotions of PMS if you've experienced that.
• 6:43
  Ellen: Right.
• 6:44
  Ellen: You know,
• 6:44
  Christie: and I've, I think what I was surprised by in the postpartum weeks is I felt like not only was I given this baby, but taking care of myself felt like a full-time job.
• 6:55
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:55
  Christie: I mean, just physically I was trying to get in the shower.
• 6:59
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:59
  Christie: Showering felt like a whole day's operation and they were exhausted.
• 7:03
  Christie: So,
• 7:06
  yeah,
• 7:09
  Christie: I, I think it was normal for me, but just, it's hard.
• 7:12
  Ellen: Well, and I know, I kind of went into it like, okay, this is my first baby, it's gonna be like this storybook thing, you know, oh, I have my new baby, I didn't realize you're gonna wake up every two hours.
• 7:25
  Ellen: And then he happened to have, um, colic.
• 7:28
  Ellen: And my husband was military, so he was always gone.
• 7:31
  Ellen: He couldn't just go, Oh, I'm staying home with my wife today.
• 7:34
  And
• 7:34
  Ellen: so I just remember it being really hard.
• 7:37
  Ellen: I mean, I love my son, but I just remember that those early postpartum things where I was always.
• 7:43
  Ellen: Always exhausted.
• 7:44
  Ellen: He wasn't happy.
• 7:46
  Ellen: So he, now they have some stuff that they can do for colic, but back then it was just put them on a hot water bottle, let them lay on that.
• 7:53
  Ellen: There was really nothing.
• 7:54
  Ellen: Right.
• 7:54
  Ellen: But I just remember, you know, with my hormones, then the fatigue.
• 7:59
  Ellen: And I just somehow thought it was going to be an easier transition, and it wasn't.
• 8:04
  Ellen: And of course, we lived in the middle of nowhere.
• 8:06
  Ellen: There's no family around.
• 8:07
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 8:07
  Ellen: For hundreds and thousands of miles, you know, from where we live, so.
• 8:11
  Ellen: Right.
• 8:12
  Christie: Yeah, I was so young that I didn't have any other Uh, friends that were having babies, and so, you know, I had my mom and grandma were nearby and they had kids, but I just remember feeling really disconnected from the world.
• 8:27
  Christie: You know, I was just kind of hunkered down in my house and, And with each, each baby after, I felt that during those weeks of like, the world is going on out there, but I'm not part of it.
• 8:38
  Cheryl: But this is it, like, our world has been changed forever.
• 8:43
  Ellen: We get a new title.
• 8:45
  Cheryl: It's called Mom now.
• 8:47
  Cheryl: But the rest of the world goes, oh, And I would encourage
• 8:50
  Carol: new parents Isolate some.
• 8:53
  Carol: Yeah.
• 8:54
  Carol: Stay at home.
• 8:55
  Carol: And one of the things I didn't know to do it that I would recommend to the moms, if you're in a situation where you can, sleep when the baby sleeps.
• 9:04
  Yeah.
• 9:04
  Get
• 9:04
  Cheryl: as much rest as you can.
• 9:06
  Cheryl: But your brain goes, Oh, now I can get this
• 9:08
  Ellen: done and this done and this done.
• 9:10
  Christie: Well, sometimes I needed awake time alone.
• 9:13
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:13
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:14
  Cheryl: Does that make sense?
• 9:14
  Christie: Yeah.
• 9:15
  Christie: Well, you can't sleep as much as the baby does.
• 9:17
  Christie: Yeah.
• 9:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:18
  Cheryl: And so you're a colic and that's different, but I would say typically the baby needs more sleep than you do, but to do that, go, I'm really tired.
• 9:26
  Cheryl: I'm I'm going to sleep some here and then do the appropriate self care to give your body a chance and your emotions and don't try to solve all the problems or go, this is a time to clean out all the closets,
• 9:41
  Ellen: all of that.
• 9:41
  Ellen: Or just even trying to adhere to your life before.
• 9:46
  Ellen: Right.
• 9:46
  Ellen: Because I would try to get as much done in those early weeks of a new baby as I did before.
• 9:53
  Ellen: Well, that's good.
• 9:54
  Ellen: I mean, pregnancy, the end always slows you down.
• 9:57
  Ellen: I think that's God's plan.
• 9:58
  Ellen: You're just more tired, but I still had lots of energy to do things.
• 10:02
  Ellen: And so then I would want to do all those things when the babies were sleeping and then I'd be very frustrated.
• 10:08
  Christie: Well, because I think, you know, You're craving some amount of structure and control that you've lost, you know, and so you're fighting to find that in whatever ways you can, but I think those weeks are a really good kind of, to give a visual, like a cocoon of this transformation into your new life.
• 10:27
  Christie: You know, you're encapsulating that time.
• 10:28
  Christie: And to protect yourself as well
• 10:30
  Cheryl: as the baby.
• 10:30
  Cheryl: Right.
• 10:31
  Cheryl: I like that.
• 10:32
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:32
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 10:32
  Cheryl: I will say.
• 10:33
  Cheryl: If you're not feeling like you're getting through it well, talk to your doctor or your midwife, talk to a medical profession because they will have a better feel for this is within the typical range, or maybe need to make some other choices to really help you.
• 10:52
  Cheryl: Please, we said isolate, but you're For the good thing.
• 10:56
  Cheryl: Right.
• 10:56
  Cheryl: Isolate for solitude and rest, but not isolate from having good people speak into your life.
• 11:02
  Christie: Right.
• 11:03
  Christie: Yeah, it might be wise to think in those last weeks of pregnancy, who are your trusted people that can keep an eye on you?
• 11:09
  Christie: It may not be your husband or your, you know, your partner.
• 11:13
  Ellen: Well, and sometimes your friends are having babies.
• 11:16
  Ellen: Right.
• 11:16
  Ellen: So everybody's kind of in the, everybody's in the exhausted stage.
• 11:19
  Ellen: But I know for me, The women that were older that were helping the younger moms and we had a meeting, I think maybe once a week.
• 11:26
  Ellen: I don't even remember now.
• 11:26
  Ellen: It's not important, but I remember I had a support system that I could say, what do I do now?
• 11:32
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:32
  Christie: That's really good.
• 11:33
  Christie: I didn't feel so alone.
• 11:34
  Christie: That's so good.
• 11:34
  Christie: And I want to back up real quick and say, I said it may not be your husband that can be your trusted person.
• 11:40
  Christie: I don't mean that your husband wouldn't be trustworthy.
• 11:43
  Christie: I just mean their world has been rocked, too, and they may be experiencing their own ups and downs.
• 11:48
  Christie: Right.
• 11:49
  Christie: And so they may not have objective perspective, where, like you said, when this couple came in and said, go out for your birthday, because it was an outsider saying, you guys need a break.
• 11:59
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:00
  Cheryl: Well, and, and a little bit back to what you're saying, um, about your world is different.
• 12:06
  Cheryl: You're trying to bring order.
• 12:07
  Cheryl: To really think through what can I let go?
• 12:10
  Cheryl: I don't have to keep, all the different things, whatever it is.
• 12:16
  Cheryl: Some of us just don't think like that.
• 12:18
  Cheryl: It's so bizarre.
• 12:18
  Cheryl: It's okay.
• 12:20
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:20
  Cheryl: To take care of you and the baby.
• 12:23
  Cheryl: And your husband, all your family, you're now a family and it's different.
• 12:28
  Cheryl: And some people are fast to get back up and get going.
• 12:32
  Cheryl: And some people, let's just take it at a pace that's healthy for us.
• 12:36
  Cheryl: What is good for us as a family?
• 12:38
  Christie: And so much of it depends on your birthing experience, if you've had a really traumatic situation, it's going to take longer to recover and, and what pregnancy was like for you, I would challenge anyone that's listening to this before they've had their baby, let pregnancy be kind of a time to To prepare you rather than feeling like, you know, I saw a checklist the other day and it was like by this month, you should do this.
• 13:03
  Christie: And by this month, you should.
• 13:04
  Christie: And I told my daughter, I said, that was not my reality.
• 13:08
  Christie: I did not.
• 13:09
  Christie: I'm still behind if that's what the expectation was.
• 13:12
  Christie: I've never caught up to that checklist.
• 13:14
  Christie: Well,
• 13:14
  Cheryl: one thing.
• 13:16
  Cheryl: Have you heard of postpartum trips?
• 13:18
  Cheryl: It's kind of a new thing that's coming up.
• 13:21
  Cheryl: I didn't hear about this.
• 13:23
  Cheryl: That people schedule immediately after the birth, like a vacation trip.
• 13:29
  Christie: I mean, I guess they figure they have the time off.
• 13:31
  Christie: If they're, you know, taking time off from work to have this baby, but I could barely make it to Target.
• 13:36
  Christie: So I don't know how I'd go on a trip.
• 13:38
  Cheryl: And I'm just going to speak from my perspective.
• 13:41
  Cheryl: I think mom and baby and dad, if he can be included, need calm, restful.
• 13:49
  Ellen: They need
• 13:49
  Cheryl: to nest.
• 13:51
  Ellen: They need to be together nesting as a little family.
• 13:54
  Cheryl: Know, if you want to do it, go.
• 13:56
  Cheryl: I would encourage you to.
• 13:58
  Cheryl: to reconsider.
• 13:59
  Cheryl: Let's do that at another time.
• 14:02
  Cheryl: Because y'all just need the rest.
• 14:04
  Cheryl: The emotional rest, not even the physical.
• 14:07
  Cheryl: But your body's
• 14:08
  Ellen: going to tell you, because I'm always an overdoer.
• 14:11
  Ellen: So I would overdo, and so, I would start having physical reactions.
• 14:16
  Ellen: from overdoing and then if you're a nursing mom, especially like with your first one, you're trying to figure all that out and if you've got so much stuff going on, when you get exhausted,
• 14:26
  Christie: your body just shuts down, right?
• 14:28
  Christie: I remember with my second, I had a friend who had just had her first a month after I had my second and then we had a friend that didn't have children yet and she was trying to be so sweet and get us out of the house because she thought we were spiraling and falling apart.
• 14:43
  Christie: She's like.
• 14:44
  Christie: You girls need to go to the mall.
• 14:45
  Christie: So she packs us up with, you know, our babies and she's like, I'll drive.
• 14:50
  Christie: And we're just, you know, I'm six weeks postpartum.
• 14:53
  Christie: My friend's like a month or, you know, right around there.
• 14:56
  Christie: And my body certainly told me by the time we got home, I was worn out.
• 15:02
  Cheryl: And see, that's how God has our bodies trying to
• 15:06
  Carol: say slow down To those of you out there who feel the pressure to get back up and do all the things, particularly those of you that go back to work,
• 15:16
  Ellen: take
• 15:16
  Cheryl: the time, don't do all the stuff, let it be about your family, about you all, and don't overdo, don't say, I can conquer this, really enjoy and give to each other for this healing period.
• 15:33
  Ellen: And your husband's gone through stuff.
• 15:35
  Ellen: Especially like with the first one.
• 15:36
  Ellen: This is a big change for him.
• 15:38
  Ellen: He's no longer your center of the world.
• 15:40
  Ellen: You have this baby that all of a sudden is really interesting.
• 15:43
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 15:44
  Ellen: Oh, you're fine.
• 15:45
  Ellen: You can get your own sandwich.
• 15:46
  Ellen: Right.
• 15:47
  Ellen: Exactly.
• 15:47
  Ellen: I'm over here.
• 15:48
  Christie: Yeah somebody told me when my girls were young and I tried to, uh, communicate to my girls as much as I could, but they said, you can do it all, but you can't do it all at once.
• 15:58
  Christie: And that's what postpartum is.
• 15:59
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:00
  Christie: It's a season to recognize.
• 16:02
  Christie: This is a time to do this one thing.
• 16:04
  Cheryl: Instead of viewing it as a weakness.
• 16:06
  Cheryl: Uh huh.
• 16:07
  Cheryl: Okay?
• 16:07
  Cheryl: Because there's a lot In today's culture, And expectant moms are part of that culture, be the brave, conquer it all, get it done person.
• 16:16
  Cheryl: And we're saying, be the brave, conquer it all family that's prioritizing
• 16:22
  Ellen: rest.
• 16:23
  Ellen: I had a, I had a crazy mother and she's, she's with the Lord.
• 16:27
  Ellen: She's with the Lord now, but she provides lots of stories that my own kids go, she didn't.
• 16:32
  Ellen: But.
• 16:33
  Ellen: She came out both times, but she came out with the second baby when my daughter was born.
• 16:37
  Ellen: And a week into staying with me at the house and helping with our oldest little son, she finally looked at me.
• 16:45
  Ellen: She goes, I'm bored.
• 16:46
  Ellen: Let's go to the mall.
• 16:47
  Ellen: She did it.
• 16:48
  Ellen: Oh yeah, she did.
• 16:48
  Oh, and of course I said, yes, I don't
• 16:51
  Ellen: know.
• 16:52
  Ellen: I just, you know, I just said that was my mother, I said, okay.
• 16:56
  Ellen: And I paid for that and I don't think it ever even dawned on my mom.
• 17:01
  Ellen: I was exhausted where she pushed the stroller, but I've got a new baby in a snuggly and I'm walking through the mall dying and, and this is where I would like to equip our listeners.
• 17:13
  Ellen: We would like to give you permission to advocate for yourself.
• 17:16
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 17:17
  Ellen: And if you can't do it.
• 17:19
  Ellen: Someone, if you're married, ask your husband to do it for you.
• 17:22
  Ellen: Well, my husband was mad when he got home and he heard about it, but it's his mom in law.
• 17:27
  Ellen: You know, you don't want to have a big conflict right then, but he was
• 17:30
  really
• 17:30
  Ellen: upset.
• 17:31
  Ellen: It's okay
• 17:31
  Cheryl: to say, no, I'm not going to do that.
• 17:34
  Cheryl: I need just to stay home or I need a walk in the park.
• 17:38
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:38
  Christie: Boundaries from there.
• 17:39
  Christie: Go.
• 17:40
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:40
  Cheryl: I need to sit in the stroller.
• 17:41
  Cheryl: Mom, you can push me.
• 17:42
  Cheryl: There you go.
• 17:43
  Cheryl: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 17:45
  Cheryl: You push me?
• 17:46
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 17:47
  Cheryl: All right.
• 17:47
  Cheryl: So, we're not gonna get to all of our questions today.
• 17:51
  Cheryl: Because I want to circle back to where we finished last time and Christy, you brought it up.
• 17:57
  Cheryl: We're talking about the struggle that there is with identity in parenting, okay?
• 18:04
  Cheryl: And particularly a mother really struggles and we're speaking mostly here to new moms or expectant moms.
• 18:11
  Cheryl: So I'd like us to dive into that conversation.
• 18:14
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:14
  Christie: Yeah, I mean, we talk about identity here so often.
• 18:18
  Christie: All the time.
• 18:19
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:19
  Christie: And I, I think that's why it came to mind for us to talk about it in this season, because this is the beginning point, right?
• 18:26
  Christie: Yes.
• 18:26
  Christie: Of when it starts creeping in.
• 18:28
  Christie: And then, um, I know for me Like I said, I was, you know, young.
• 18:32
  Christie: I was 19 when I had my oldest.
• 18:34
  Christie: Wow.
• 18:34
  Christie: And I just, yeah, I know now I see 19 year olds.
• 18:37
  Christie: That's so young.
• 18:37
  Christie: At the time I thought I was full grown, and I'm like, Oh, I've got 19 year olds now, and that's not full grown.
• 18:43
  Christie: But, I, I just I had this idea that I was going to be able to compartmentalize motherhood or, you know, parenting and that I kind of had this idea that my kids would kind of be accessories, like toys on a shelf I could take down when I wanted.
• 19:01
  Christie: I would only be as involved as I chose to be.
• 19:05
  Christie: And I quickly realized that my world was rocked and completely consumed by this sweet baby.
• 19:10
  Christie: And yeah.
• 19:11
  Christie: Rightfully so.
• 19:12
  Christie: I mean, I was, I was thankful to have that epiphany quickly, but yeah, um, And then I kind of swung a little bit to now, everything about me was defined by how well I was caring for this child.
• 19:27
  Cheryl: And that's where I was.
• 19:29
  Cheryl: I didn't know what it would be like, but it was like I was consumed.
• 19:34
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:34
  Christie: You know, and
• 19:35
  Cheryl: that little baby became my whole everything.
• 19:39
  Cheryl: And my identity was completely wrapped up.
• 19:42
  Cheryl: So we have a new name, Mom was my identity.
• 19:46
  Cheryl: I didn't have any balance in it.
• 19:48
  Cheryl: See, the two ends.
• 19:51
  Christie: I even put a license plate on the front of my car.
• 19:54
  Christie: Personalized.
• 19:55
  Christie: It said, Cassidy's Mom.
• 19:59
  It's so cute.
• 19:59
  Christie: It was my title.
• 20:01
  Cheryl: And See, there's a balance in there, but see that the compartmentalization isn't balanced and nor is this completely consumed.
• 20:11
  Cheryl: I mean, my husband just became this peripheral figure and, and actually one of the wisest things my mom said in my parenting years was one time I said something, well, and my baby and she pulled me over and said, sweetheart.
• 20:29
  Cheryl: You said my baby.
• 20:31
  Cheryl: Oh It's our baby.
• 20:34
  Cheryl: Yes, you know and I'm like
• 20:38
  Christie: Oh, that's a whole episode right there.
• 20:41
  Christie: And I just
• 20:42
  Cheryl: wasn't even, I mean, that's what I'm saying.
• 20:45
  Cheryl: It was so submerged in it.
• 20:47
  Cheryl: That was the one voice speaking into, she didn't have the words to say, sweetheart, your identity.
• 20:54
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:54
  Cheryl: She didn't know to say that.
• 20:55
  Cheryl: But I, I just hadn't point across.
• 20:57
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 20:58
  Cheryl: it got your attention.
• 20:59
  Cheryl: Oh yeah.
• 21:00
  Ellen: Well, I know for me, again, um, you know, I was a new military wife and I mean my husband was in the military and we were in a place that I won't mention because it was horrible.
• 21:14
  Ellen: Our first assignment goes without saying.
• 21:17
  Ellen: I don't want to offend the people from that state, but coming from sunny California going to a very cold climate was awful.
• 21:24
  Ellen: But, um, and I didn't, you know, I just had a few friends, no relatives around.
• 21:29
  Ellen: So I think, you know, I kind of had this idealized idea of what it was going to be to be a mom, and I think everybody does, especially with your first one.
• 21:38
  Cheryl: Describe Emotionally and personally this is what your idealized.
• 21:44
  Ellen: I started feeling like a failure after about day three You know because I had a baby with colic and so I couldn't get him to stop crying now my husband when he was 14 or 15.
• 21:58
  Ellen: His mom had a baby.
• 22:00
  Ellen: So my husband knew what it was to have a little baby.
• 22:02
  Ellen: So he was a really good dad.
• 22:05
  Ellen: I mean, you know, he could take my son and comfort him and stuff.
• 22:08
  Ellen: But I'm feeling like a failure yeah.
• 22:10
  Ellen: And then we have my mom that wants to go to the mall, mom.
• 22:13
  Ellen: You had a
• 22:14
  Christie: rough go, Ellen.
• 22:15
  Christie: But
• 22:15
  Ellen: you know, I mean, that was my mom.
• 22:17
  Ellen: So it wasn't that odd.
• 22:18
  Ellen: But, um, I just remember it was really.
• 22:22
  Ellen: I felt very, um, isolated, and very kind of alone, and really, really overwhelmed.
• 22:30
  Ellen: And I automatically just got guilt.
• 22:32
  Ellen: I must be a terrible mom.
• 22:33
  Ellen: My child won't stop crying.
• 22:35
  Ellen: Cause that's the problem with colic, cause you think it's your fault.
• 22:38
  Ellen: And then
• 22:39
  Cheryl: it's the feeling of a failure.
• 22:40
  Cheryl: Yeah Yeah, it's we have these false expectations,
• 22:43
  Christie: right?
• 22:44
  Christie: And
• 22:44
  Cheryl: I would say like you felt isolated.
• 22:46
  Cheryl: I would say New moms in this culture are inundated with social media of what it should look like, how it should be, how they should set up the nursing, how this and this and this and this Their postpartum drip.
• 22:59
  Cheryl: Everything.
• 23:00
  Cheryl: And so they have so much information to set up expectations instead of saying, what do I want?
• 23:07
  Cheryl: What is helpful for me and our family now?
• 23:10
  Cheryl: Right.
• 23:11
  Cheryl: And then reaching out to healthy people to speak into it instead of turning to.
• 23:16
  Cheryl: To social media and being bombarded again.
• 23:19
  Ellen: And so it's good and bad.
• 23:20
  Ellen: Yes.
• 23:20
  Ellen: You know, it's kind of nice now because everything's at your fingertips with your phone.
• 23:24
  Ellen: Right?
• 23:24
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 23:25
  Ellen: It kind of solves a lot.
• 23:26
  Ellen: My husband and I don't fight anymore.
• 23:27
  Ellen: We just Google.
• 23:30
  Ellen: Who needs a referee when you have Google?
• 23:32
  Ellen: Just Google.
• 23:33
  Ellen: No, I'm right.
• 23:33
  Ellen: No, no.
• 23:34
  Ellen: Well, let's Google.
• 23:35
  Ellen: It still was really an isolating.
• 23:37
  Ellen: I didn't have anywhere to research.
• 23:40
  Ellen: What do I do?
• 23:40
  Ellen: And doctors wouldn't let you just call them to ask them a question.
• 23:44
  Ellen: Well, and
• 23:45
  Christie: hearing other people's experiences, that can be really validating to know I'm not alone, but there is the shadow side.
• 23:52
  Christie: Yeah.
• 23:53
  Cheryl: There sure is.
• 23:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:54
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 23:54
  Cheryl: Okay, so.
• 23:56
  Cheryl: We've talked about the struggle with identity.
• 23:59
  Cheryl: What would you say, here's how I developed better balance in my identity as a person?
• 24:08
  Cheryl: Because we said, Oh, there's these two ends.
• 24:10
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:10
  Cheryl: What does it look like to have a healthy identity as a mom.
• 24:14
  Cheryl: yeah.
• 24:16
  Christie: I mean, I don't know that I've arrived and nobody, we're not going to, right?
• 24:19
  Christie: But I, I think the fight for balance is to do what in your heart, in your family for this child feels the most natural and right.
• 24:34
  Christie: And then just let the rest fall off the sides.
• 24:36
  Christie: I mean, the child's response, whether they're six weeks or 16.
• 24:41
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:41
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:41
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:41
  Christie: Doesn't determine your worth and your value as a mom.
• 24:44
  Cheryl: Now that's it, right there.
• 24:47
  Cheryl: That's the nugget.
• 24:47
  Cheryl: Say some more of that because that's so good
• 24:50
  Christie: Well, just like Ellen's example, you were doing all the right things for this baby, but they had a condition that was causing some, you know, turmoil in your world.
• 24:59
  Christie: And that, you know, that's happened to all of us at every age of our kids.
• 25:03
  Christie: We've done that.
• 25:03
  Christie: We've done all the things we know to do, but the child's still an individual.
• 25:07
  Christie: Yes.
• 25:08
  Christie: Yeah.
• 25:08
  Christie: Mind, body, and spirit.
• 25:09
  Christie: They are their own, own person.
• 25:11
  Christie: And I think that's
• 25:12
  Ellen: what we have to remember.
• 25:14
  Ellen: We're not just a woman.
• 25:15
  Ellen: We're not just a mom.
• 25:16
  Ellen: We're not just grandparents.
• 25:18
  Ellen: We're not just podcasters.
• 25:19
  Ellen: Who are we?
• 25:21
  Ellen: And usually the vulnerable years when you're starting to have kids is really when you're starting to discover who you are.
• 25:26
  Ellen: That's true.
• 25:27
  Ellen: That's true.
• 25:27
  Ellen: You know, you might have been.
• 25:28
  Ellen: The popular kid in high school and now nobody likes you.
• 25:31
  Ellen: You might have been the kid no one liked in high school and now you're really popular.
• 25:35
  Ellen: That's true.
• 25:35
  Ellen: But you have to find peace with who you are as a person.
• 25:39
  Ellen: You have to work at practices that help you daily to go, being a mom isn't everything because all these things, being a wife, being a mom, being a working mom, all these things that come to an end abruptly, whether we like it or not, those things can end.
• 25:55
  Ellen: And do, we're all sitting here with all grown children on the other side of this.
• 26:00
  Ellen: And I'm not trying to get negative but I'm just saying when we wrap every part of our identity up in what we are doing,
• 26:07
  Cheryl: things can happen.
• 26:07
  Cheryl: You're so right.
• 26:08
  Cheryl: And that's my problem.
• 26:10
  Cheryl: I didn't have any voice saying this is not your identity.
• 26:15
  Cheryl: Yeah, right.
• 26:16
  Cheryl: You know, now I will say, And Bill kind of tried to speak into it, but I just didn't hear it.
• 26:23
  Cheryl: Well, how
• 26:23
  Ellen: can you because you're so busy doing, right?
• 26:26
  Christie: Well, and, and the challenge though is you still give yourself fully to it.
• 26:32
  Christie: It's not that you, you know, tell the baby, I'm sorry, baby, I'm setting boundaries.
• 26:36
  Christie: You're going to have to, you know, sit there for a minute.
• 26:39
  Christie: You still have to pour your ever loving self out, yes, sacrificially over and over and over again.
• 26:46
  Christie: Mm hmm.
• 26:47
  Christie: But it's not dictating who you are.
• 26:50
  Christie: That's
• 26:50
  Cheryl: exactly right.
• 26:51
  Cheryl: Which is hard.
• 26:52
  Cheryl: It sure is.
• 26:52
  Cheryl: But this is the whole benefit of self awareness and mindfulness to help us remember your mental and emotional health is really important.
• 27:03
  Cheryl: And
• 27:04
  Ellen: cultivate things with your new baby that are just for you.
• 27:09
  Ellen: That have nothing to do with your baby or your husband.
• 27:11
  Ellen: For me it was reading.
• 27:12
  Ellen: just for me that I did that brought me pleasure reading a good book.
• 27:16
  Ellen: Mm-Hmm.
• 27:17
  Ellen: when I had a few minutes and it might be, I have 15 minutes, I put the book down, I have to get back to work.
• 27:22
  Ellen: I remember a
• 27:22
  Cheryl: friend and she would say, oh, I use the two o'clock feeding.
• 27:29
  Cheryl: to pray.
• 27:29
  Cheryl: And I thought like two in the morning.
• 27:31
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 27:32
  Cheryl: And she go, I would get up and sit in the rocking chair and I would pray while I was feeding.
• 27:36
  Cheryl: And I go, this is what I look like at 2 o'clock going.
• 27:40
  Exactly.
• 27:41
  Well, then I'm feeling guilty and I'm going, sorry, God, I fell asleep.
• 27:46
  Cheryl: You know, but like that, not having someone else put their expectation or that phantom that we talked about, putting expectations.
• 27:55
  Cheryl: Okay, give yourself space and
• 27:57
  Ellen: give yourself those little things that bring you joy yeah, you know, it
• 28:00
  Cheryl: doesn't poop No so as we wrap up, we've tried to hit some practical things about it.
• 28:09
  Cheryl: Bring humor to it, and, and.
• 28:11
  Cheryl: Parents, we're just trying to bring what we can of balance into it.
• 28:15
  Cheryl: What else?
• 28:16
  Cheryl: And then we have to go.
• 28:16
  Christie: Well, I think we've said enough that it's so hard and there's so, so many challenges, but it really is, you know, the saying that carried me through so many of the challenges Parenting years was, we're in the good old days and we don't even know it.
• 28:33
  Cheryl: And it really is the sweetest
• 28:35
  Christie: time.
• 28:36
  Christie: You'll look back and just drool over the memories.
• 28:40
  Christie: And so I hope we haven't, in an attempt to be realistic and to empathize with moms, that we haven't painted a picture of dread or negativity.
• 28:51
  Christie: Not at all.
• 28:51
  Christie: It's the sweetest time.
• 28:53
  Christie: And that's
• 28:53
  Cheryl: what my goal was, to say the mindfulness and Some of the cautions, so you can enjoy these good old days.
• 29:03
  Cheryl: And I
• 29:04
  Ellen: think the Bible's so gracious when it says, live one day at a time.
• 29:09
  Ellen: We get so far ahead in our minds, but really just tagging on what you're saying Chris, if we could just enjoy the day, and what's going on, good or bad, and trust that it all has a
• 29:19
  Christie: purpose.
• 29:19
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 29:20
  Cheryl: Oh, that's really good.
• 29:22
  Cheryl: Oh, thank you.
• 29:24
  Cheryl: Oh, that makes me go out of here with joy.
• 29:27
  Cheryl: Okay, so parents, remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it is worth it.
• 29:41
  If you're a new parrot, it's easy to feel like you should have it all figured out by now.
• 29:48
  I know, because I've felt that pressure myself.
• 29:53
  But, whether you're at the beginning of the journey, or you've been at it for a while, here's something I want you to hold on to.
• 30:02
  Like Christy shared today, You might be able to do it all, but you can't do it all, all at once.
• 30:11
  That's a reminder for all of us, no matter what season of parenting we're in.
• 30:16
  And remember, our identity as parents isn't about perfection.
• 30:22
  It's about love, growth, and doing the best we can.
• 30:28
  Take a moment and ask yourself, what's one thing you did today, just one that made a difference for your family or for yourself?
• 30:39
  It doesn't have to be big because small things add up over time.
• 30:46
  If you ever want to talk, reflect, or share your journey, connect with us at contact at the parentingpodcast.
• 30:53
  com.
• 30:56
  TPP is here for you, in whatever stage you're in.
• 31:01
  And remember, hang in there, because who you're becoming is worth the effort, every single step of the way.