Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #395 Sorry, Not Sorry

Transcript

#395 Sorry, Not Sorry · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.
0:10
Speaker 2: Now, there is actually a way that I think that
0:11
Speaker 2: we should be teaching our kids to apologize, and they
0:14
Speaker 2: need to apologize when they mean it, because you can
0:15
Speaker 2: only do a proper apology if you mean it. And
0:18
Speaker 2: guess what, kids actually want relationships to be restored.
0:20
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom and.
0:24
Speaker 3: Dad, Kylie Coulson. I'm cranky with you.
0:28
Speaker 2: Have you done well? You sound like you've still got
0:31
Speaker 2: that head cold of yours. Have you noticed that my
0:32
Speaker 2: voice sounds a little more gravelly than normal?
0:35
Speaker 3: Have you noticed it?
0:36
Speaker 4: It's very sexy?
0:37
Speaker 5: Ye?
0:37
Speaker 2: No, no, don't, don't try to get your way out of this.
0:40
Speaker 2: It's because of you haven't even been kissing you. But
0:42
Speaker 2: I've got this frog in my throat. Now you've had
0:46
Speaker 2: it all week and you've managed to pass it along.
0:48
Speaker 4: So if we're a family, we're a sharing family, we're.
0:50
Speaker 2: Sharing is caring. This is doctor Justin Coulson, the not
0:55
Speaker 2: quite myself.
0:56
Speaker 4: Not only you've given me a hard time. I'm sick
0:58
Speaker 4: and you're giving me a time. I can probably get
1:02
Speaker 4: my words out of oh Man flew for you serious.
1:05
Speaker 3: You don't know how bad this is.
1:08
Speaker 2: Doctor Justin Courson, the founder of Happy Families dot Com,
1:11
Speaker 2: tact You and the author of six books about how
1:13
Speaker 2: to make your family happier. And I'm here with my
1:16
Speaker 2: sick wife Kylie. It's amazing that we can get through
1:19
Speaker 2: these podcasts. But we're going to soldier on with Quadrall,
1:22
Speaker 2: not sponsored, just saying not sponsored, maybe we should be.
1:25
Speaker 4: Have you ever had Condrall?
1:27
Speaker 3: No, I don't think I have.
1:29
Speaker 2: I don't get sick.
1:30
Speaker 4: It's amazing. Those jingles.
1:32
Speaker 2: They're just sticking your head though, don't they They? Yeah,
1:35
Speaker 2: Now we need to pause for a moment and actually
1:36
Speaker 2: be quite serious. Today is the eleventh of November. The
1:39
Speaker 2: eleventh of the eleventh at eleven am, Remembrance Day, a
1:44
Speaker 2: really important day where we acknowledge and reflect on so
1:49
Speaker 2: much tragedy that's occurred in the history of the world,
1:51
Speaker 2: throughout world wars and specifically World War One, ending after
1:57
Speaker 2: so many lives were lost, so many battles fought for what, well,
2:01
Speaker 2: I guess for world peace.
2:03
Speaker 3: It didn't last very long.
2:04
Speaker 2: But I'm grateful on Remembrance Day that we live in
2:08
Speaker 2: a world and in a society now that is so
2:11
Speaker 2: much more safe where we don't have those kinds of wars.
2:15
Speaker 2: So I just wanted to acknowledge and recognize Remembrance Day.
2:17
Speaker 2: Hopefully today at eleven am, you'll have an opportunity to
2:20
Speaker 2: pause and reflect and express some heartfelt appreciation for those
2:25
Speaker 2: who have sacrificed for us. Now, with that acknowledgment, let's
2:29
Speaker 2: talk about parental guidance.
2:31
Speaker 6: Homeschooling builds that family camaraderie that we're all in this together,
2:35
Speaker 6: so generally we can work it out.
2:37
Speaker 3: Kylie, last night, I know we've.
2:39
Speaker 4: Said this every day, but last night was a pretty
2:42
Speaker 4: big episode.
2:43
Speaker 2: I just I love this show. I know I'm in it,
2:45
Speaker 2: but this is a show that I would watch even
2:47
Speaker 2: if I wasn't in it. Like, I just love how
2:49
Speaker 2: redeeming it is as well, Like we get to see
2:51
Speaker 2: these three dimensional parents. There's no we're just seeing one
2:54
Speaker 2: side of them being the strict parents or the discipline parents,
2:57
Speaker 2: or the routine parents, the tiger parents. We're actually seeing
3:00
Speaker 2: these well rounded individuals who are trying their best for
3:02
Speaker 2: their families. And now we know, now we know which
3:06
Speaker 2: four couples are moving into the crowded House, four Families,
3:09
Speaker 2: communal living, super parenting challenges. Cannot wait for next week.
3:14
Speaker 2: But like you said, last night, lot's to talk about.
3:17
Speaker 2: We watched some really great stuff and we also had
3:19
Speaker 2: to watch some really hard things.
3:21
Speaker 3: And there are.
3:22
Speaker 2: Two topics that we need to discuss on the podcast today.
3:25
Speaker 2: The first one negotiating as a family, because the way
3:28
Speaker 2: those families navigated the challenge go to a theme park?
3:31
Speaker 2: Can you believe we did this? Go to a theme park,
3:33
Speaker 2: You're only allowed to go on one ride.
3:35
Speaker 6: I'm quite surprised. They went straight for the job. They're
3:39
Speaker 6: roller coaster, the gold coaster, yead. Oh wow, okay, oh
3:46
Speaker 6: my goodness.
3:47
Speaker 4: I mean, is that really what happened after the cameras stopped?
3:50
Speaker 4: Did they get to have none? Are you serious?
3:52
Speaker 3: Yeah? We sent them to the theme park.
3:54
Speaker 2: They went on literally one ride, and then we said, okay,
3:57
Speaker 2: it's time to go and do the next challenge.
3:58
Speaker 4: Man, I think that would have been we caught right then.
4:01
Speaker 3: Yeah.
4:02
Speaker 2: I think that it was pretty hush, but sometimes life
4:04
Speaker 2: does unfair things to you, and it's a it's a
4:07
Speaker 2: real life family reality show.
4:09
Speaker 3: So yeah, they went to the show.
4:10
Speaker 2: They went into the theme park, they got to go
4:12
Speaker 2: on one ride and then we gave them the next challenge.
4:13
Speaker 2: But the negotiations, we've got to talk about that. That's
4:15
Speaker 2: our first topic for the podcast when we come back
4:18
Speaker 2: after break. We're also going to talk about whether we
4:21
Speaker 2: should force our kids to apologize because I said a
4:25
Speaker 2: very big evocative in the show. So first of all,
4:28
Speaker 2: let's dive into this negotiating as a family. I'm just
4:31
Speaker 2: curious if our family went to let's say Jamberu, because
4:34
Speaker 2: that's the one that we love down on the south
4:36
Speaker 2: coast of New South Wales when we lived in Wollongong
4:38
Speaker 2: for all those years and we used to spend a
4:39
Speaker 2: lot of time there. If our whole family could only
4:41
Speaker 2: do one ride, would we do what Mimi said and
4:44
Speaker 2: just go with Calypso Bay or would we be going
4:47
Speaker 2: for one of the thrill rides? Oh?
4:49
Speaker 4: One hundred percent of the thrill rise would have.
4:50
Speaker 3: Been at the top of the letter is our kids,
4:52
Speaker 3: isn't it?
4:52
Speaker 4: And there would have been at least one child who
4:55
Speaker 4: was having a meltdown and probably a parent.
4:59
Speaker 3: And that would have been you.
5:01
Speaker 4: So we'll get to that was being diplomatic, Thank you
5:03
Speaker 4: very much. It could have been you.
5:05
Speaker 2: We'll get to the Tiger parents in sec But but
5:07
Speaker 2: we've got to talk about Rachel's refusal.
5:09
Speaker 4: I don't like many rides.
5:12
Speaker 2: I don't like doing the big flippy ones coming.
5:16
Speaker 5: No, no, no, there's no way we're not going on.
5:23
Speaker 3: So we got teacup, then teacups to do the challenge
5:27
Speaker 3: Baby Challenges. We all have to go on one ride together.
5:31
Speaker 3: Come on, listen, listen, go on.
5:36
Speaker 4: A little girl, not a baby. I've found this actually
5:42
Speaker 4: really eye opening. We've had this amazing moment when I
5:46
Speaker 4: talked to our seven year old about what she's taken
5:48
Speaker 4: away from the show so far.
5:50
Speaker 2: Do you know what she said, I'm going to guess
5:51
Speaker 2: that you're going to say it with the one second
5:53
Speaker 2: of courage on the diving platform.
5:54
Speaker 4: That's exactly what she said. Wow, and then she counted one, two, three.
6:00
Speaker 2: Really, so Sam and Rachel have this is that part
6:04
Speaker 2: of their parenting philosophy, you got to do hard things,
6:06
Speaker 2: one second of courage and away you go. And now
6:09
Speaker 2: they're at theme park and Rachel won't do the one
6:11
Speaker 2: second of courage.
6:12
Speaker 4: And I saw this little girl who's just like, I
6:14
Speaker 4: want to do hard things. Yeah, I want to do
6:17
Speaker 4: hard things.
6:18
Speaker 2: I'm not a baby anymore, you make me go on
6:19
Speaker 2: the cup and saucer.
6:20
Speaker 4: Yes, And just my heart broke for her. And it's
6:24
Speaker 4: a completely different way. This time. She actually wanted to
6:27
Speaker 4: stretch herself and she was being held back.
6:30
Speaker 2: Not that we want to bag out rage, right, I
6:31
Speaker 2: mean for her own reasons. It was too much for her,
6:35
Speaker 2: and we need to be respectful of that. And we've
6:36
Speaker 2: got to teach our kids to be respectful that everybody
6:39
Speaker 2: has different abilities. And Rachel also acknowledged she saw the contradiction,
6:44
Speaker 2: she saw the hypocrisy in what she was doing.
6:47
Speaker 4: It's interesting, though, because I, in some ways I relate
6:50
Speaker 4: very much with Rachel that fear. As a kid, I
6:54
Speaker 4: didn't seem to have any fears, but now even climbing
6:56
Speaker 4: a ladder is scary for me, and I often just
7:01
Speaker 4: have to really really remind myself that my children need
7:06
Speaker 4: to know that even though I'm scared, I'm willing to
7:10
Speaker 4: give it a go.
7:11
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I think that's a critical thing. I really
7:13
Speaker 3: love that.
7:13
Speaker 2: And that's what we saw with Deb so complete opposite.
7:17
Speaker 2: Rachel digs in the heels. She says, no, I'm not
7:19
Speaker 2: doing anything that's scary, and Deb she doesn't.
7:21
Speaker 3: Want to go on the roller coaster, and the kids like,
7:22
Speaker 3: we're on the roller coaster.
7:23
Speaker 6: Well, if the ruler is tall enough, we could go
7:27
Speaker 6: if I'm pull enough, Okay, deal, No, sounds good. I'm
7:31
Speaker 6: quite surprised they went straight for the top the roller.
7:35
Speaker 4: Coaster, the gold coaster.
7:37
Speaker 3: Yeah.
7:40
Speaker 6: Oh wow, okay, oh my goodness. There was no way
7:44
Speaker 6: I was going to take a free pass and not
7:46
Speaker 6: do the ride with the kids.
7:48
Speaker 2: Well, are you're excited? Yeah, you're excited. Yeah, it's going
7:51
Speaker 2: to be fun.
7:52
Speaker 4: Yeah, she's got my heart.
7:55
Speaker 3: She's got my heart. That was I was. That's a
7:58
Speaker 3: proud moment. Yeah, yeah, I thought so too.
8:00
Speaker 2: Doing hard things and this whole thing is kind of
8:03
Speaker 2: like as a family, sometimes you've got to take one
8:05
Speaker 2: for the team. Sometimes you've got to negotiate and figure
8:07
Speaker 2: stuff out. Robin Sue's kids, Hudson and Fletcher, That's precisely.
8:11
Speaker 3: What they did.
8:12
Speaker 2: They're like, Okay, you guys are arguing. One of you
8:13
Speaker 2: wants to go this way, the other ones to go.
8:14
Speaker 3: The other way. Oh, look at this, that's cy looks cool.
8:18
Speaker 2: What do you think this?
8:18
Speaker 3: Or Papa part March deal? What do you think?
8:21
Speaker 4: Fletch?
8:22
Speaker 3: Oh, probably want this.
8:26
Speaker 4: Rock, siss and papers is the best solution to any
8:29
Speaker 4: argument because there's always a winner. They can't argue anything.
8:33
Speaker 3: You're lost. They okay, all right, mini golf.
8:39
Speaker 4: It is as disciplined appearents. We know that disappointments are
8:42
Speaker 4: a part of life and sometimes you just need to
8:44
Speaker 4: suck it up. Let's be fair. They've kind of got
8:46
Speaker 4: it easy. There's only two right, Sure, it's going to
8:49
Speaker 4: be a fifty to fifty and paper scissors rock is
8:52
Speaker 4: going to be the easiest way to negotiate. Can you
8:54
Speaker 4: imagine doing that in our family? Who is six kids?
8:56
Speaker 3: Oh my good well, how many?
8:58
Speaker 4: How many guys do we have to tea here's his
9:00
Speaker 4: paper rock before we got a conclusion.
9:02
Speaker 2: Whenever I did that with my friends on my my siblings,
9:05
Speaker 2: it'd be like best of three, best of three, best
9:07
Speaker 2: of five, best of five.
9:09
Speaker 3: That's exactly what it would be.
9:11
Speaker 4: Seven.
9:12
Speaker 2: Then we saw Penny and Daniel, they just had it
9:14
Speaker 2: easy because we like, yeah, we want to do the same.
9:15
Speaker 2: Like that was just in so much fun and it
9:19
Speaker 2: was so nice to see one family actually not have
9:21
Speaker 2: to do a negotiation because they were all alone. But
9:23
Speaker 2: the one that we have to talk about The big
9:24
Speaker 2: one was Kevin and Debbie are tiger parents. Mimi wanted
9:28
Speaker 2: to play at Calypso Bay. I think it was called
9:31
Speaker 2: just swim in the water and the rest.
9:33
Speaker 4: Well, well, for someone who's not strong swimmers, and they
9:36
Speaker 4: did acknowledge that they're not strong swimmers. Going into Calypso
9:39
Speaker 4: Bay is actually quite challenging once you get out there.
9:42
Speaker 4: The waves really start to pick up once that wave
9:45
Speaker 4: Paul gets going, and it can be really challenging.
9:48
Speaker 2: But I think what we're seeing here, and this has
9:49
Speaker 2: been a repeated theme throughout the show, is how far
9:52
Speaker 2: do you push your kids what's required in terms of
9:55
Speaker 2: getting out of your comfort zone? And the whole family
9:58
Speaker 2: wanted to go on the funnel work.
10:00
Speaker 4: Well, three out of four want to go in the
10:02
Speaker 4: funnel way.
10:03
Speaker 2: I'm told to choose to between the funnel ways and
10:06
Speaker 2: I'll back Babe.
10:09
Speaker 3: We going no, no, no, we have to go together.
10:15
Speaker 4: It's okay.
10:26
Speaker 2: I didn't realize she was like that.
10:28
Speaker 4: All the work down.
10:30
Speaker 2: This was this was so hard to watch, It was
10:33
Speaker 2: so hard to listen to.
10:35
Speaker 4: What was interesting though, is and I think it's really
10:38
Speaker 4: telling for all of us. In the moment, Debbie did
10:41
Speaker 4: not recognize, yes, how terrified her daughter was.
10:45
Speaker 2: It's that standard, you'll be right, it'll be fine.
10:47
Speaker 4: Well, yes, and then she's in the moment in a
10:50
Speaker 4: ride that you know kind of is thrilling.
10:52
Speaker 3: Yeah, she's having a ball, and she can't.
10:54
Speaker 4: See past your own experience to see what's happening over here.
10:58
Speaker 2: I love how in the in the room she actually said,
10:59
Speaker 2: I didn't realized that she was crying all the way.
11:01
Speaker 4: Yes, yeah, And I think that often again as parents,
11:06
Speaker 4: we think we're doing the right thing, but we get
11:08
Speaker 4: caught up in the moment and we actually don't see
11:10
Speaker 4: things for what they are. And what this show has
11:12
Speaker 4: done for everybody is hindsight given us this bird's eye
11:17
Speaker 4: view of what actually happened in real time, and that's
11:21
Speaker 4: been powerful, and we saw that.
11:23
Speaker 2: The other interesting thing that came out of that was
11:25
Speaker 2: in the previous episode, they pushed Leo to jump off
11:28
Speaker 2: the five minute platform and he was so scared. He
11:30
Speaker 2: didn't want to jump, he was terrified, the poor doing
11:34
Speaker 2: the cry laughing kind of thing, and he did it,
11:38
Speaker 2: and then it was stoked that he'd done it, and
11:40
Speaker 2: he felt like he'd really accomplish something totally opposite with mim.
11:43
Speaker 4: We expected that that's exactly what was going to happen
11:45
Speaker 4: for her. How often have we pushed our children and
11:47
Speaker 4: they've done that, they've kind of gone that was amazing.
11:50
Speaker 2: So that's a big recap of everything that happened for
11:53
Speaker 2: us to get to this point.
11:54
Speaker 3: What do we actually do?
11:55
Speaker 2: How do we negotiate as a family when some kids
11:59
Speaker 2: want to do this and want to do that, when
12:00
Speaker 2: a parent wants to do this and another parent wants
12:02
Speaker 2: to do that.
12:03
Speaker 3: What's the best strategy.
12:06
Speaker 4: I think one of the most important things, and we
12:08
Speaker 4: talked a lot about it yesterday when we talked about
12:10
Speaker 4: facing your fears, is that children need to have a
12:15
Speaker 4: sense of autonomy and choice.
12:17
Speaker 3: Yeah, they do in.
12:19
Speaker 4: This process, and if we want them to listen to
12:22
Speaker 4: their gut, then we need to kind of somehow find
12:26
Speaker 4: the fine line between pushing them past their fears and
12:30
Speaker 4: accepting that right now this isn't this isn't something that
12:34
Speaker 4: they can or want to do.
12:36
Speaker 2: I think in a perfect world, what I would say
12:38
Speaker 2: is we sit down, we actually explore, We get curious,
12:42
Speaker 2: not furious, We say, okay, how is it few what
12:44
Speaker 2: is it that you want? And we literally have empathy
12:48
Speaker 2: for one another take perspectives sufficient to be able to
12:51
Speaker 2: negotiate an agreement in the real world. The likelihood of
12:54
Speaker 2: that happening in the middle of a theme park pretty slim,
12:58
Speaker 2: pretty slim. In which case, I think that Robin Seu
13:01
Speaker 2: have nailed it. Scissus paper rock. You just we've got
13:05
Speaker 2: to figure this out one way or another. And there's
13:07
Speaker 2: no arguments that the paper wraps around the rock, the
13:11
Speaker 2: scissors go blunt on the rock.
13:14
Speaker 5: Well.
13:14
Speaker 4: The great thing about this, I mean, we've never actually
13:16
Speaker 4: done this in our.
13:17
Speaker 3: Family, but I think we should.
13:18
Speaker 4: Yeah, but what the great thing is there's no Mum
13:21
Speaker 4: and Dad aren't taking sites.
13:22
Speaker 3: That's right, It's just this is this is a.
13:24
Speaker 4: Clear winner, and it's just a chance.
13:26
Speaker 6: Just a chance.
13:26
Speaker 2: It's just like I mean, again, I don't want to
13:28
Speaker 2: try it too much because I really want us to
13:31
Speaker 2: have effective conversations, negotiationing and negotiating, listening carefully to one another.
13:36
Speaker 2: This is what your head cold has done too much.
13:38
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, but this is the way that I think
13:42
Speaker 2: we need to go with our families.
13:43
Speaker 3: Just sit down and listen, work it out.
13:45
Speaker 4: When it sounds a bit like the three e's.
13:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, explore explain in power. The one thing that we
13:50
Speaker 2: didn't actually see with any of those parenting styles was guys,
13:53
Speaker 2: let's just pause and work this out together. In each case,
13:57
Speaker 2: they were in a rush to make a decision. Hurry up,
13:59
Speaker 2: we've got to decide, let's go. And what I would
14:01
Speaker 2: have loved to say see one of them do, is hey,
14:03
Speaker 2: let's go and just sit down at this picnic table
14:06
Speaker 2: and let's have a look at what our options are
14:07
Speaker 2: and have a conversation about it.
14:09
Speaker 3: Let's work it out together.
14:10
Speaker 2: None of them did that, and to me, that's the perfect,
14:13
Speaker 2: perfect world outcome.
14:15
Speaker 4: After the break, we're going to have a conversation about
14:17
Speaker 4: whether or not forcing your children to say sorry is
14:20
Speaker 4: actually teaching them to lie. It's the Happy Families Podcast.
14:25
Speaker 5: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
14:28
Speaker 5: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts
14:30
Speaker 5: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits
14:33
Speaker 5: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at Happy
14:37
Speaker 5: families dot com dot au slash shop.
14:40
Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families Podcast. The podcast for a time
14:42
Speaker 4: poor parent who just want's answers now and you made
14:46
Speaker 4: a really big statement beg for the show last.
14:49
Speaker 2: Before you talk about this statement, can I just say,
14:51
Speaker 2: aren't you glad that you can listen to a podcast
14:53
Speaker 2: and not catch the cold that the person who's trying
14:55
Speaker 2: to do the podcast has because serious en.
14:58
Speaker 4: A whole heap of sneezing in that break.
14:59
Speaker 3: Oh my goodness, Yes, I am in the room.
15:02
Speaker 2: You know.
15:02
Speaker 3: Let's play the clip. I want to say something kind
15:05
Speaker 3: of provocative.
15:06
Speaker 2: Forcing children to apologize is teaching children to lie.
15:11
Speaker 4: So what do you actually mean?
15:12
Speaker 3: Well, you know as well as I do.
15:14
Speaker 2: Like I said it, it's provocative, but it's true when
15:17
Speaker 2: a child. I mean, we've got Hudson and Fletcher, They've
15:20
Speaker 2: whacked each other, They've thrown thongs at each other. Whatever,
15:22
Speaker 2: say sorry, sorry. I remember I've shared this story many
15:25
Speaker 2: many times. People who have been following me or my
15:28
Speaker 2: Facebook page or have been to my workshops.
15:29
Speaker 3: For a while, we'll know this story very well.
15:31
Speaker 2: When I was about fourteen and fifteen, my sister Karina
15:34
Speaker 2: did something that I was really upset about, so I
15:36
Speaker 2: called her a stupid idiot and my mum heard, and
15:38
Speaker 2: in our family we did not use those words.
15:41
Speaker 3: They were bad, were bad, bad words.
15:43
Speaker 2: We weren't allowed to watch neighbors or home and away
15:44
Speaker 2: in the Simpsons. So using the words stupid and idiot,
15:47
Speaker 2: especially together, I mean, that was just terrible. And so
15:50
Speaker 2: Mum came into the kitchen and said, just needed to
15:52
Speaker 2: double mister, mean, you need to apologize. You need to
15:56
Speaker 2: apologize to your sister for calling her that. And I said, fine, Karina,
15:59
Speaker 2: I'm sorry or a stupid idiot, which got me sent
16:02
Speaker 2: to my room. But the forced apologies, right, it was
16:05
Speaker 2: really sorry.
16:06
Speaker 3: No, not at all.
16:07
Speaker 2: And because I was a teenager and I had so
16:08
Speaker 2: much attitude, I'm so glad you think that's funny. I'm
16:11
Speaker 2: a senager and had that attitude, so I just let
16:13
Speaker 2: it go.
16:14
Speaker 4: You wonder where our children get it from.
16:15
Speaker 3: Seriously, I don't feel like that.
16:18
Speaker 2: And so when we force our kids to apologize, what
16:21
Speaker 2: we're actually doing is saying, ignore your feelings. And by
16:24
Speaker 2: the way, what's the apology. So let's just say that
16:27
Speaker 2: you called me a name, not that you ever would,
16:30
Speaker 2: but a stupid idiot say that.
16:32
Speaker 3: That breaks my heart.
16:33
Speaker 2: That taught me. But let's say you did that and
16:36
Speaker 2: you saw that I was sad, and then somebody said
16:38
Speaker 2: to you, maybe when the kid said I'm you need
16:40
Speaker 2: to apologize to dad, And so what do you say
16:42
Speaker 2: when you're apologizing. Typical person, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
16:47
Speaker 3: Yeah.
16:47
Speaker 2: And then what's the response, It's okay, yeah, and I'm
16:50
Speaker 2: going to.
16:50
Speaker 3: Say that's okay, I'll let it go.
16:53
Speaker 2: Terrible, terrible idea. Why because it's not okay. You did
16:56
Speaker 2: something that was a genuine relationship transgression. You've rushed me,
17:00
Speaker 2: you've said something horrible to me, you've broken my heart,
17:03
Speaker 2: and so for me to say that's okay, it's like,
17:06
Speaker 2: I don't know, it's like a free pass. So there
17:08
Speaker 2: is actually a way that I think that we should
17:10
Speaker 2: be teaching our kids to apologize. And they need to
17:12
Speaker 2: apologize when they mean it, because you can only do
17:14
Speaker 2: a proper apology if you mean it. And guess what,
17:17
Speaker 2: Kids actually want relationships to be restored. Kids want things
17:20
Speaker 2: to be right. So the conversation might be, hey, kiddo,
17:24
Speaker 2: what just happened was wrong. An apology is required when
17:28
Speaker 2: you're ready, when you've calmed down, when you can see
17:31
Speaker 2: for yourself that you did the wrong thing, and you
17:33
Speaker 2: want to spend some time with your kids working that
17:35
Speaker 2: out once they're calm, not in the moment.
17:37
Speaker 4: It's interesting there's a common thread that goes through most
17:40
Speaker 4: of your teaching moments, and just this acknowledgment that we
17:44
Speaker 4: can't teach in the moment when emotions are.
17:47
Speaker 3: High, intelligence is low. That's right, And you've been listening.
17:51
Speaker 4: Of course, I have been listening. I might be a
17:53
Speaker 4: slow learner, but I am listening. And it's just it's amazing.
17:58
Speaker 4: Even in this situation, take us out of the equation.
18:01
Speaker 4: Even in our children's lives, they need to have the
18:05
Speaker 4: space to work through what they're feeling before an apology
18:10
Speaker 4: is going to be meaningful.
18:12
Speaker 2: So with Robin Sue's kids, Hudson and Fletcher, here's what
18:14
Speaker 2: I would have loved to have seen it happen. I
18:16
Speaker 2: would have loved to have seen Sue or Rob crouched
18:18
Speaker 2: down in front of and say, guys, things aren't going
18:19
Speaker 2: quite right. Just now, let's work this out together, understand
18:24
Speaker 2: what's happened, and then let's make it right.
18:27
Speaker 3: So Hudson and.
18:28
Speaker 2: Fletcher say, he threw a thong at me and he
18:30
Speaker 2: punched me, and Sue says, okay, well, when you're ready,
18:34
Speaker 2: you know how to apologize, and a good apology sounds
18:37
Speaker 2: like this, I'm sorry for doing so there's there's an
18:40
Speaker 2: admission of guilt, I'm sorry for doing this, and we
18:43
Speaker 2: actually say what it was that we did, so we
18:45
Speaker 2: take full accountability. I'm sorry for hitting you, I'm sorry
18:47
Speaker 2: for throwing my thong at you. The second part sorry.
18:51
Speaker 2: The third part is to say, because here's what it
18:55
Speaker 2: did to you, I'm sorry for hitting you.
18:57
Speaker 4: So it's not I wouldn't have done it if you.
19:00
Speaker 2: No, no, no, that's called victim blaming. What we do instead
19:03
Speaker 2: is we say i'm sorry for hitting you. It probably
19:06
Speaker 2: really hurt and it would have made you feel bad.
19:10
Speaker 2: So there's an acknowledgment. Not only am I sorry, but
19:14
Speaker 2: I'm sorry specifically for this action, and I'm sorry for
19:17
Speaker 2: this action because here's how it affected you. And the
19:21
Speaker 2: last line is the most important, will you forgive me?
19:25
Speaker 2: It takes humility to ask will you forgive me? But
19:27
Speaker 2: more than that, it gives a person an opportunity to
19:30
Speaker 2: say yes, I forgive you, without acknowledging or saying what
19:34
Speaker 2: you did was okay because it wasn't.
19:37
Speaker 4: So what happens if you go through those steps and
19:40
Speaker 4: the person you're asking forgiveness from isn't willing to give
19:43
Speaker 4: it to you.
19:43
Speaker 2: This happens in our family all the time, because like
19:45
Speaker 2: I said, sorry, I asked it forgive me and she
19:47
Speaker 2: said no, or she said I'm not sure yet. Because
19:51
Speaker 2: if we try to force an apology, or we try
19:53
Speaker 2: to apologize before the other person is ready to forgive,
19:57
Speaker 2: then the emotions are too high and they might not
20:00
Speaker 2: be there yet. And so in that case, we say
20:02
Speaker 2: to our child, well, when they're ready, they will forgive you.
20:05
Speaker 2: You just make sure that you keep it nice until then,
20:09
Speaker 2: and let's work it out together. And that's how you
20:11
Speaker 2: give a great apology. This means that we're not teaching
20:14
Speaker 2: our kids to lie. This means that we're teaching kids
20:17
Speaker 2: how to genuinely repair relationships. I think that's what I
20:20
Speaker 2: would have loved to see in the show.
20:22
Speaker 4: I think that a lot of adults could learn a
20:26
Speaker 4: lot by using those four steps.
20:28
Speaker 2: Well, I know that it's something that's certainly worked for
20:30
Speaker 2: me in my relationship with you over the years.
20:34
Speaker 4: I'm not going to say a word.
20:35
Speaker 2: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
20:38
Speaker 2: Bridge Media.
20:39
Speaker 3: Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
20:41
Speaker 2: If you'd like more information about how to make your
20:43
Speaker 2: family happier, jump on to our Facebook page Doctor Justin
20:47
Speaker 2: Colson's Happy Families. We've got an upcoming workshop. It's exclusive,
20:50
Speaker 2: We're only allowing fifty people in. It's a two hour
20:53
Speaker 2: workshop called Little People, Big Feelings, and it would be
20:56
Speaker 2: amazing to have you as part of that. If you've
20:58
Speaker 2: got little people who have big feelings, walk you through
21:00
Speaker 2: all of the steps, strategies and solutions to help them
21:03
Speaker 2: to navigate those big feelings effectively. On top of that,
21:06
Speaker 2: we've got this amazing Happy Families membership. The idea is
21:10
Speaker 2: that we give you weekly support to make your family happier,
21:13
Speaker 2: because a happy family doesn't just happen. All the info
21:16
Speaker 2: you need is at happy families dot com dot au