Latest / The Wild Woman Within: Recover from Burnout & Achieve True Work-Life Balance Through Feminine Energy / 7| I Quit Drinking for a Year… What I Discovered About Myself Changed Everything

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7| I Quit Drinking for a Year… What I Discovered About Myself Changed Everything · The Wild Woman Within: Recover from Burnout & Achieve True Work-Life Balance Through Feminine Energy

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hey guys, welcome back to the Fitsin Project.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta tell you, this has been so much fun in doing this podcast.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like this is therapy for me.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: And hopefully it's something that you've been able to gain some clarity on, some different things that have come up in your life through the podcast, or maybe just like enjoying listening to the stories that are being shared.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Either way, I really, really, really, really, really appreciate you for being here, for tuning in and for giving a shit about what's going on with the Fits and Project.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that's really cool.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it's really cool that this has hit four different countries right now.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just like, I'm worldwide.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm worldwide.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: This little southern girl from small town Kentucky is here in worldwide.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I just can't even tell you how cool that feels.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_02: Like it just feels really awesome.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, if you want to be worldwide and do podcasting, reach out to me.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: I've got some um insights I could share with you, some little tips and tools and totally free.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm not here to um get some pennies, I'm just here to share with the world because like, gosh, it feels really good.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Feels so good.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: So today's podcast is gonna be a bit deep for me.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm digging deep and I wanna it's important to share this journey with you guys from me to you.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's a little love letter, I guess, for so to speak, something that's been going on um in my life, and it's kind of been a real forever type journey and led me into a different lifestyle, so to speak.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: So where to even begin?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: All right, I guess I already began.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: So here I am.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um I am really, really in a good spot right now mentally.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um my skin looks really good.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really happy about that.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: I feel really good in my body.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like I feel like my body is like, yeah, girl, you've been you waited all this time to be 38, and yeah, this is looking good for you.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: 38 looks great because you know what?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: I feel good.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: I feel really good.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that a lot of that is because I've made some changes, made some life changes, and I'm gonna take you through this journey, and um it's gonna come out a little dysfunctional, a little ramble, a little whatever, but you know, um, it's worth it for me to share with you what has been going on with me and what what led me here to this exact moment.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I have had this really uh intoxicating, so speak, fun, uh, thriving, non-thriving, um, exhilarating, um up and down, momentous relationship with alcohol almost for twenty years, let's say.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe, yeah, give or take, 20 years, right?
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Started a bit in high school and it never left me until I made a conscious decision to um do something else, right?
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: So um for a lot of my life and learning how to be an adult, I did that with alcohol and chose to have alcohol as my partner in crime and in breakfast and in lunch and in dinner, and and just depends on what day of the week and what year you caught me in, and what season of life was it gonna be really prevalent, or maybe took a little bit of a back seat so I could move forward and onward.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: But either way, it had always been around and in my like pocket, right?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: My little clutch, so to speak.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah, was a very comfortable relationship.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it got me really comfortable with being in uncomfortable situations, right?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, of course, that's what leads things, right?
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because I wasn't really comfortable with who I was and where I was in life and you know who is when they're first starting out and leaving their coop or their community, you know.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: So all the things, uh no shame at all in any of it.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and I mean any of it.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I've done some really um spiteful shit.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: I've done some really terrible things to myself, and it's really me who's always been the end sufferer.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's not really been to other people, and and sometimes it did, you know, cross the threshold into other people's lives.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And um for that, you know, feel shitty about that.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: But like for me, most of the part, like it just really kind of feel um like it was my um what I needed in in life to get through.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: So it was really just about me.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: It was never about anybody else.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's always been about me.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: So I got into alcohol heavier times, like I said, in some phases of my life, and then some phases I threw threw it out for a little bit and got back in and slowly decided to take note of what it did, what it did around me, who it did things to, and what uh these people that I noticed in my life who were also extremely um committed to their relationship with alcohol and how they'd lived life.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I noticed all of it, right?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like I noticed it showing up in everybody around me, because like that's the people that I also chose to hang out with.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I love those people, they're great people, still hang out with them today.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't um I'm not mad at anybody or anything.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: It I'm not even mad at myself.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just like here because I want to tell you about my choice and my choices and how this came in to uh affect me in such a profound way of life, right?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was a lifestyle.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: So give or take, the good, the bad, the ugly in between.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: I um fostered this relationship for a very, very long time.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it it was very apparent to me more than anything when COVID hit, right?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like who else remembers that?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the world, like it it became a very personal relationship with a lot of people during COVID.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Alcohol did it married up, so to speak.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: It moved right on in to people during with people during COVID, right?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: So like it's not lost on me that um the world in and of itself was going through a big change, but as was I.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: But what I noticed the most was how it just kind of infiltrated my day-to-day.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah, I it was there, totally there.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like that was my daily, let's go out.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: And the restaurants around town started selling margaritas to go because you couldn't go in the restaurant.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh my God, glory.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: I am going to get myself a to-go margarita on my bicycle, and then I'll be back in an hour, and I'm gonna give me another one.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that's kind of basically exactly what I did.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: So um I never really drove drunk, a vehicle, motorized vehicle, but I did ride around pretty hammered all the time with my bicycle and I had a helmet on, and you know, just going three miles an hour is not like it's gonna be a big deal until it is, and then you know, like people die on bicycles all the time.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not discounting that, but um, I didn't and I didn't wreck or anything, so that was great, and it was so much fun, it was hilarious, and then you know, wake up and play Nintendo, whatever, it doesn't matter.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: So alcohol is a lot of fun in some cases, and sometimes, you know, it wasn't because you age, and the older you age, like the more excruciating the hangovers are.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know what kind of science it that is, but it happens to everybody, and everybody's always told me, you know, the older you get, the more the worse the hangovers are.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, ha ha ha.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Well, sucks to be you, you know.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: I would hate to be as old as you and have a terrible hangover all the time.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Well, though those days came real quick, and I experienced it, and you know, days of hangover sucks.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: It does suck.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: It absolutely is miserable.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you that.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's absolutely miserable.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: So with COVID, I also um got pregnant, which was amazing.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Totally wanted that.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: I manifested that right on up, and poof, the universe is like, all right, here you go, here's your little baby.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh, thank you.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: So then how do I have this like relationship?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, damn.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: How do I even foster what I've been fostering for 20 years?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: But to be fair, at that time it wasn't 20 years of a relationship because I didn't start drinking at 13.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I just want to, you know, make that mark.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, um, when I got pregnant, it just was like, oh, there's this saying, you know, and it it's kind of on this level of there's life before you find out you're pregnant, and then there's life after you find out you're pregnant.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: And they're they don't go well together, they're not the same.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: You are inherently no longer who you thought you were ever again.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's a legit stop gap right there.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's like walking straight into a stone wall, and you face plant right into that stone wall.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Anybody ran through a screen door?
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: I have, you know, I was chasing my little cousin and I didn't know that she'd shut the screen door right behind her as I was chasing her because I was slow, but I was fast enough to get through that screen door and knock myself straight the hell out.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I did that, you know, like rebounded right back.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what happened when I got pregnant.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh my good God, whoa, I got knocked right the hell out.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: I just you know, had to take a seat for a minute.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: And it was the dead of COVID, and so I had to make some decisions and reevaluate my life all at the same time, like picture what is my life gonna be like in nine months.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: How do I now prepare my life for this new creature that I'm growing?
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: And uh change I need to change some some shit around.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like I can't be riding my bicycle up to the local happy hour and getting to go margaritas anymore.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like I've I literally am not allowed to do that anymore.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: So like so that was intense.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: It was an intense nine months, and I did allow myself to have two glasses of wine while I was pregnant, and I I felt extremely shitty about that man, but not gonna lie, like I felt really guilty that like I wasn't doing my baby the fullest service that I was entrusted by by God to do.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that's how I felt about it.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: That was just me.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I know other people feel differently, and I'm not here to speak about you, I'm here to speak about me.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I just want to make that very clear.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: This is not about you, this is about me.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I that's how I felt.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, dang, man.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so after the first time that I had a glass of wine, I was like, well, I'll just forgive myself, you know, it's fine.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: People do this all the time.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I um wrote up some excuses and made myself feel better about it because that's what I've always done with my relationship with alcohol and making shitty choices while being drunk.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, why is this any different?
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: No, I wasn't drunk, but you know, having a glass of red wine while pregnant, yeah.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know, other people have done way worse, like meth.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just over here with a glass of wine.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm over here just like, yeah, well, I'm okay.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: He's fine.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm fine, he's fine.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um made it with all that.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: But what happened during this time was just like this remarkable experience for me.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I've given up this alcohol situation, made me get real clear on who and who I wasn't gonna have in my life and what and what I was not gonna tolerate in my life, and just so happened to be.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um in that time, I had moved houses and um decided I was gonna be that single mom and forage through pilgrimage through motherhood by myself.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that meant my pregnancy too.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like it that's what it meant.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm gonna be here and give him the my my son, my baby, the fullest life, I'm trusted to do that.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm gonna meet that.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna meet that for how it felt for me.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I couldn't unsee it.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: I could not unsee it, but I was having these dreams and just so explicit dreams and like they're going in different dimensions and time and space.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all, it was just like I'll get to that in a different podcast because that's important in how I've also landed here where I'm at today.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: But uh this specific piece of releasing that relationship with alcohol and tuning into what it meant to join this motherhood.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I only knew like a handful of people that were in motherhood, and I totally rejected their motherhoodness because I wasn't there and it didn't pertain to me.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not really here and hanging out with you and your kids and doing all the motherhoodness things, but then like once I get into that and I'm doing it myself, it makes it totally understandable and relatable.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, wow, you guys are amazing.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're more amazing than I gave you credit for.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not sorry for not giving you the credit for not knowing, but now that I know what I know, yeah, dude, you're amazing.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: Every single person that's ever carried that experience of a baby in their belly, that experience alone is just amazing.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's a gift.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: Just having that experience of knowing that, like, wow, you're two in one.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: You're a twofer.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: You are a walking twofer.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: That was freaking cool to me, you know?
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, holy crap.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: I actually remember telling my dad, I was like, you know how cool this is?
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I have two hearts in my body, and you will never know what that feels like.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you will never know what it feels like to have two sets of hands in one body.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: You'll never know what it feels like to be both a woman and a male.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: And for those of the women that's had girls, to be twice the woman, holy shit.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like that's how that's the level and the frequency I was on.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it COVID got me real good.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not even gonna lie, like, I'm just out here in space, some little space cadet and the mystical, like wrapped up in all of this, right?
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: My dad's like, Well, that is really cool.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: I never thought about it like that.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_02: We kind of geeked out for a minute, like we were just like, this is so cool.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it was awesome.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_02: It was great for me.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_02: It was awesome, you know.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: My dad was super happy for me, probably because it was the happiest I'd been, maybe ever.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: And at the time, I don't think I realized that it was a happiness that I had without alcohol.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: I think it was just that at the time, I think it was just a happiness that I thought I had because I was just like, you know, in this era, in this new level of life.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you're out here playing Mario Brothers, you know, and you're over here on level five now, you've made it.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, whoa.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you got this song, you got the tune-up.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's now in your head.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: You're welcome for the rest of the day.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm over here on this new level, and it is just like, I don't know, this is just like mystical heartbursts all the time.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: By myself.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: My dog's pregnant too, by the way, at the same time as me.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm over here having like real intimate moments with her.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I get a girl.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: If we're just like fat as fuck over here on the couch, like wow, we are just ooh, when you're ready, you are ready.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: So she actually had her puppies in December of that year, and I spent uh December of 2020 through the end of January, beginning of February of 2021 raising puppies in my house.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like crazy person, you know, pregnant by myself with these dogs, and you know, just trying to survive on my own, and then also trying to keep all these puppies alive, which was, you know, I barely made it.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be honest.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: If it wasn't for my brother being like, You're gonna feed them water, I would have never fade these fed these puppies water.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: I thought they were drinking milk.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: I really thought like they were just like totally okay with my dog's milk, but no, puppies need water after a certain age, and thankfully I had a family member that called me out on that.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_03: So the dogs are happy and healthy, and it was all really cool.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, having puppies while pregnant was also really cool, but still no alcohol, you know, it was really um a catalyst type thing.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: So fast forward a little bit, I had this little baby, the end of February, and all the puppies are gone, and now it's just me and him.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just like, wow, this is a lot.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: This is a whole lot.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I I remember my mom just like looking at me and she's knowing that I don't know that but she knows that I am losing my mind, right?
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like she knows that I'm losing my shit.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, she's like, here, give me the baby.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: Here, let's just like relax for a minute.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: Here, have a glass of wine.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, all right, that's a great idea.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I remember my first glass of wine, and I remember being like, oh my God, I can't believe I liked this.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, it's going out really easy.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm so glad that I've got this.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: I've got it now.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, yeah, I remember having that very first like reintroduction, and it was um just like an old friend.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: I was just so happy to just bring that right back in.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: So from that moment, I would probably have one glass of wine a day.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that was really it.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: It truthfully, it was just like I would have a glass of wine at the end of the night.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'd put Theo down and he'd be in bed for the night.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'd go downstairs, have a glass of wine.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: So nothing was crazy, right?
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing was intense.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I never really got um out of control in any way, shape, or form with having my baby and everything around.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: But it was just like there was some moments of still having this like guilt.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, we're by ourselves, and then I'm like, what if something happens and I can't take him to the hospital, or what if anything, I can't go anywhere with him because I've had something to drink.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was that kind of freaked out.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: I was a little bit just like, oh my god, I can't believe first of all, I was trusted to keep this baby alive.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: Puppies was nothing, you know, water puppies, they were great.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: Baby, totally different species, totally different animal.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it was a total, it was a new Mario Brothers level, like basically getting on with a baby.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I had three weeks of that aloneness with him, and then I was like, all right, that's enough.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I moved away.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: I moved again back to my hometown for other mystical reasons as well.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: It was just all lining up, and I needed to follow the breadcrumbs.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: So a lot of that it was just a a lot of being a no so I could be a yes for my son, right?
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like I had to be a yes for him in so many different ways that I didn't even know I had him myself.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: But but but I mean, he pulled it, he pulled it out as often and as often as he possibly could, and he still does.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's relentless, and it's okay.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm at least aware now that that is what's going on.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I moved back home and I'm still here and there dabbling in the alcohol, and it's fine, everything's fine, nothing is going crazy or anything like that.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: But I do notice like if I drink more than two glasses of wine, then I get that like rage crage hangover for three days, and I'm like, oh my good God, like I just want to just be normal.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: Why why?
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: But it's like, you know, after you go through a whole body experience that you create a another person, you're change on a cellular level in every way from head to toe.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I just fully believe that.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: So we are going through all of that, and what really sank the ship here was not any of the 100,000 times I made an ass of myself while drinking.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: If that was the case, I would have s quit way before I ever thought about having a child.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: But it was going to Mexico, and I am real weak.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like God knows, God knows I'm not strong in pain or anything like that.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if it hurts, I'm not gonna do it.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I tell that to every single one of my yoga students that come into my class brand new.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: If it hurts, don't do it.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm a full believer, and I am like, if it hurts, I'm not, I'm just not gonna do it.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a three-day hangover I can handle here and there, but other than that, like if that's not once or twice a year, it it's not happening, you know.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that's about where it came from.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I go to Mexico with my mom and we're having a blast, whatever.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that first day, man, something happened to my insides.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it was like every single sip of alcohol burned my esophagus all the way down into my belly, and it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like I had heartburn while pregnant, absolutely, and a little bit of heartburn here and there, um, just from drinking sour beers or whatever.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I quit all of those things, right?
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and when I was pregnant, it was over spaghetti, and I would just like not eat spaghetti.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_00: So this though, I was um, it was like a trial and error type thing.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: So the margaritas got me good.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh man, this hurts.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: This hurts really bad.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I switched over to wine, and oh, that was even worse.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, but wine is my friend.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: What is going on?
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: So then I was like, well, I guess back to the basics.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get some vodka.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: And oh, that was excruciating.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh, there's a reason I don't do that.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: But it was like everything I tried, it just burned, burned, burned, burn, burned.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like there was a ring of fire in my throat, and I don't know.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't really want to go to the doctor because I didn't really want to be faced with, oh, well, you're an alcoholic and you've developed some type of esophageal vertices or whatever that word is that eats the inner lining.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because I already knew about that, because when I was in my tiny spat of nursing school, I learned about that, and that stuck out in my head because I knew I was an alcoholic.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, dang, the day that happens and I start bleeding from my esophagus, I'll just have to quit.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember that exact moment that I thought that in 2013, and then it remet me in real life form in 2024.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: So 11 years later, and I'm like so weird that that was what I remembered in 2013, and now like this is happening to me.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like living proof that my esophagus is so inflamed that it's probably deteriorating.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I just knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, I was gonna start coughing up blood.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like I just knew that was just what's what was gonna happen.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I've had some different um alcohol episodes before, specifically, like I said, with sour beers, where I could have sworn at that time I had pancreatis and I was gonna get pancreatic cancer.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, might be a little bit of um one of those people that think they have all the things.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, it's for a good reason.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_00: It saves my life, and that's how I like to think about it.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I really thought I was getting pancreatic cancer back in like 2017, perhaps 2016, because every time I drank sour beers, man, it would hurt me for like three days in a row.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: So then I'll just quit drinking sour beers, you know, met myself where I was and went back over to Miller Light because that was safe.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: And um still did the job, just took a lot more to get, you know, to the level I wanted to be on.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, anything in Mexico and everything in Mexico started to hurt, and then it affected my food intake, and I was like, oh my god, this is the end.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_00: What am I gonna do with my son?
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: I have life insurance, I'm okay.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: He said, like, there's some things I've already made sure just to leave the country that we were good, but honestly, like I really wanna see him graduate.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: I want to see him get married.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to help him with uh his babies if he so chooses to have any of this for his life.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to see him and be a witness to his life, man.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that was really like um that moment that I re-remembered being pregnant and making all of these like promises.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: We'd have these meditation moments and I'd hold my belly and we'd be soaking in rose petals in a bathtub.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I just totally did that for myself and him.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: It was just like a really magical moment, magical time.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I just I remember feeling really close to God in those ways, really allowing that that spiritual influence come in and resonate with me on a level, you know?
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I had to get real, real bent with myself when my shit was on fire, literally, like I was just could not eat.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't drink.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: The only thing that felt good was water, and even still that kind of hurt to swallow.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I don't know if I'm gonna make it.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: So uh we get back to the States, and it still resonated like burning for like a week, and then I finally had a couple days where I finally felt normal, like I could be okay.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I would drank a glass of wine, and it was like instant fire, instant burn.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh my god, I broke something inside.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: I totally broke something, and I looked at the calendar and I'm like, well, when's the date?
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, when's the freaking cutoff?
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_00: I have no other choice.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna be living in pain, and I'm not gonna not enjoy food because of a choice.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't really care about alcohol as much anymore because I had already gone through the nine months of sobriety.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_00: I had already decided I had something bigger to live for, I had already made some real big life choices.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_00: I had moved away from my friends.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's not like FOMO wasn't even in the picture anymore because like uh I was already gone.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like there was already missing outness.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: So it didn't matter to me about anything and that nature because like if I was gonna go hang out with them, hopefully they just liked me enough to just hang out with me as me.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: And if they didn't, well, I'll figure it out real quick.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, fast forward, I did figure it out real quick.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, um, did not take long at all to figure out who I even like to be around.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: And we'll get to that.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_00: We'll get to that.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's a fun conversation.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I had to be a no to alcohol so I could be a yes for food.
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_03: It's just crazy as that sounds to say out loud.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_03: Like I had to be, I'm gonna say it again.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_03: I had to be a no for alcohol so I could be a yes for food.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_03: Like that's exactly how I felt.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_03: And that sounds so silly and not even real.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_03: Like, who says that?
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_03: You know what?
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_03: I say that.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_03: So yeah, I said that.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I had quit some hard things in my life before.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_00: So one of those was cigarettes.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_00: I had smoked cigarettes for like, I don't know, 10 years.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I don't even know how long I smoked cigarettes, but I know that when I quit, I was smoking like a pack and a half a day because I was having my own um psychological nervous breakdown.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, you know, life can't get any worse.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: Might as well not smoke cigarettes.
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_00: So, and that was my rationale.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because first of all, I was broke.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_00: Totally broke.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was living with my mom and dad.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_00: My dad had to quit smoking earlier that year.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: So he kind of needed an an ally and a friend.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I was 27 and right at the verge of um deciding if I was gonna go on with life or if I was just gonna end it right there.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, literally couldn't get anywhere.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I decided to give myself a little bit of a shot.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_00: I would just quit smoking cigarettes.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I did, and um yeah, I made it through and I've went to parties, and turns out I got to keep all my friends that still smoked cigarettes, and I ended up smelling better than they did at the end of the night, and I could breathe.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe my snores weren't as loud.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, does a tree fall in the forest?
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, can you hear it?
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I'd already done some hard stuff.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_00: Why not quit?
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_00: Looked at the dates.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_00: First coolest numbered date, because I'm really into numbers, was 422-24, because you can say it front and backwards.
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_00: There's a name for that.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure exactly the right term, but you know, maybe you've already said it out loud.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: 422-24.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the day I gave to myself that was the gift.
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I did it.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_00: I quit, just stopped.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_00: Decided to choose food, chose life, chose being an intentional mom, an intentional partner, an intentional co-worker.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_00: And it was one of the easiest, hardest, easiest, hardest things I've done.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_00: So there have been a lot of moments in the past year that I was like, and I had even said out loud, if I was still drinking, I would be hammered right now.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_00: Or if I was still drinking, I would be playing shot games with you.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_00: How many times is this guy gonna say XYZ or whatever?
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_00: I can't even tell you how many times I've even said that, or read the funny memes or whatever, that are like, yeah, let's go get hammered, and it was so much fun.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_00: And like trying to go dance without having um alcohol to loosen up with was fun.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, going to New Year's parties and dancing, I can do it if my eyes are closed.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_00: I can I can do it.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_00: But if I'm looking at people and I'm totally stone cold sober, I'm just like, I'm just gonna sit here and rock.
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_00: But then it kind of got a little bit better, and I'm way more into it now, and now I can just like go out and just bust a move.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_00: And anybody want to bring out the steak leg?
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_00: I can I can do that too.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_00: I can get down real good.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, I don't need alcohol to prove that anymore.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it's a lot of fun.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's a rewarding thing to say.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's really, really fucking cool.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just gonna say that with the F bomb because that's how much I mean it.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_00: But while I was going through that, it was really weird.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_00: It was really I when I had to get real with it and real with myself, I was answering these questions like, oh what is what is God asking of me right now, basically?
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_00: What am I being asked to do?
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_00: What am I being called to do?
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_00: What is it in my life that I've got to change?
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_00: To be in this person that I want to be.
• 39:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like I always wanted to be a very present mom.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have alcohol in my house growing up.
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_00: My parents were very present with us.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_00: We weren't raised to have wine for dinner, and we weren't raised to have champagne for brunch.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_00: It just wasn't in our culture.
• 39:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we would go over to my grandparents' house every Saturday, and it was totally in my culture for my uncles and my aunts to have beer and my grandparents, but everybody else, like, you know.
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_00: basically just smoked cigarettes and shot the shit and everybody spoke foul language because it was fun, I guess.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I still do.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_00: I do that now.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_00: Still probably never quit.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know when that started either.
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_00: But let's just say 38 years now I've been speaking.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_00: I've said the word shit for as long as I can ever remember.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, it's a really fun vice that I have decided to keep.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_00: But other than that, you know, what what am I asked what's being asked of me right now when I let go of this alcohol?
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like what is what am I gonna what's gonna come up?
• 40:41
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of things came up.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_00: It was like I was afraid to lose my friends.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was afraid to not be included.
• 40:51
  SPEAKER_00: And then when I faced that reality and those realities became very prevalent you know it stung a tiny bit but at the same time like you do you dude like it's not their responsibility to make me comfortable just like it's not my responsibility to make them comfortable and if they're uncomfortable because I'm sober or if I'm uncomfortable because they drink then it's okay to have that friction.
• 41:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to dismiss yourself right and I gave I had to give myself permission for that.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_00: And that was a weird lesson that I didn't really expect to see or find I guess because it's like oh that will never happen to me and my friends.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_00: But no it did it it's very real it happened and it's a weird weird thing.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_00: My dad always said quit drinking and then you'll be able to count how many friends you actually have on one hand.
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_00: You might get to two if you're lucky he always told me that and I wonder if that's why I stayed drinking for 20 years.
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm like man if I quit drinking then the only people I will have left on this earth is family and I really like my friends.
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_03: So and I was like well damn but turns out as a 38 year old I really like my family.
• 42:38
  SPEAKER_03: Like I really like hanging out with my dad man.
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_03: I think he's funny and he's so just like I don't know not afraid to hurt your feelings and I think that is one of the funniest things ever I love him.
• 42:51
  SPEAKER_00: I adore him I hang out with my mom all the time and I think she is funny.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_00: We have some deep conversations as you guys have heard on you're not a good fit from a previous podcast.
• 43:01
  SPEAKER_00: I think they are just like my best buddies and my brother's really cool now say that like just as of today you know he's cool um yeah I like hanging out with him now that I don't drink because when I did drink and I hung out with him I was like oh yeah all right we're obviously never gonna see eye to eye on anything but you know for 20 years I was like well I guess we aren't as close but now you know we are I really like the dude I think he's funny and we can talk now and what's really cool about we can talk now those words is that like I'm not seven degrees away from my mom and my dad and my brother in conversation anymore I never really was from my mom because she and I've always been kind of really tight and my dad and I same but like differently hits now but now it's like my brother can be in a conversation with me and it's really awesome now you know it is different with my friends I'm not gonna lie that does what my dad said was true you know you quit drinking you'll really find out who your real friends are but what he failed to mention that I have learned you quit drinking and you'll find out who you are who you are I finally stopped living somebody else's life I started living my own for me for my son for the life I always envisioned me to have and that's been it's been one of the coolest most awakening things I think I've ever experienced over the past year is that I got to find out who I am I put down this mask of alcohol and I'm set through family functions I um met a new grandma sober.
• 45:36
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all that was a fucking trip oh that's another podcast by the way stay tuned for that one that'll come out I'm sure when I'm ready but um not today uh met new friends with my partner and his whole entire friend group sober and that was different it was different because I'm like they drink a lot and I'm like you know back in the day I'd be right there with you dude and it's kind of hard to explain myself when I'm trying to explain myself and then I realize oh my God I don't have to explain myself I don't have to explain to anybody why I decided to quit drinking because first of all it sounds really stupid as we've already discussed like it's because it was like I had to be a yes for food.
• 46:30
  SPEAKER_00: But I mean really like it does sound really reeky dinky but whatever it's mine it's mine so I just had to get real clear on who I was and because I got clear on who I was I'm able to now speak about it and I'm able to stop vibrating with fear and I'm actually able to start resonating more with my destiny and I I truly believe that I'm I'm really able to start bringing in that spiritual that whisper that love of love man when I felt that all of those feelings I was feeling in my bathtub of rose petals while pregnant I feel the I feel that all a lot now a whole lot and I'm not pregnant I have a beautiful son who's four and it's just been a really nice gift to myself because I challenged that what am I afraid will happen if I can just trust myself I challenged that and there was turns out not one thing to be afraid of not one thing to be scared of to walk the world sober.
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing to be afraid of with that there's nothing to be afraid of to be aligned and grow and see yourself and look at yourself in the mirror for more than a minute and say damn look at you 38 coming in like you look good there's nothing to be afraid of when I can look at my face and be like you actually don't look tired today you actually might have a little glow.
• 48:36
  SPEAKER_03: Did you get eight hours of sleep uninterrupted by alcohol did your heart beat normally how how great is that your circulation's improved you know like that's what I can tell myself I look in the mirror right now I'm just like wow I don't have these bags under my eyes because like I'm not tired.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not depleted I'm not depleting myself I'm not putting this toxic poison in my body anymore and guess what else I'm not doing and having to overcompensate but I'm not doing Botox anymore either.
• 49:10
  SPEAKER_00: And guess what my wrinkles are just here but they're not like they were and I'm telling you you can look at pictures of of me from five years ago pre Theo to today and my skin my life everything is more radiant.
• 49:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I know it's because I decided to have this relationship with myself I decided to get to know me.
• 49:41
  SPEAKER_00: And it turns out I really kind of like me.
• 49:44
  SPEAKER_00: It turns out I have done some doo doo things and I'm okay with that because I've also done some really great things in my life I've done some great shit I'm not even gonna lie I'm not even gonna pretend like I haven't done some good stuff because I totally totes my goats have and I'm like you know it's great.
• 50:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's a great feeling I'm gonna continue to ride that ride.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want to put this out here for the masses for the four countries that are listening to me which again I think that's really freaking cool four countries.
• 50:24
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it'll grow maybe it don't it doesn't matter I've already hit my quota my quota was one um so I like to see that there's four of like wow but yeah I'm just putting this out of here for the people and you can subscribe to my newsletter and I'll send you a newsletter and if you press reply and you want to ask me any questions about this sobriety trip I've been on and this new lifestyle, this journey that I'm like vowing for the rest of my life because I really I just am in love with it and I love it, I'm happy to answer anything you got going on.
• 51:07
  SPEAKER_00: I do go to Europe soon and I will have a glass of wine and I will have a very nice glass of champagne and I'm okay with that you know because my sobriety my year my journey has been intentional and that's where it's at for me I'm intentional about how I make my day and where I live I am intentional I am intentional about how I want to be with my son as much as I possibly can yeah do I lose my shit sometimes absolutely I'm a human but for the most part if I'm making my 75% most part that C student intentional then I've got it and I've got it and you've got it and you got it going on and I am so aware of that if I can be this C student I'm showing up every day with room to grow I I don't have anything to look back on and be like ugh I mean yeah there have been cringy moments in my life everybody that knows me from Facebook in 2005 I mean that's public knowledge totally recorded total cringe move on but yeah intentional intentional going through my life with where I work how I show up for work how I do my day-to-day projects how I teach my yoga classes how I show up for my son how I wake up in my morning and start my day I am intentional and a little bit fun a little fun thing about me is I start my day every morning with a meditation 10-15 minutes sometimes 20 if I'm lucky and I check in with my body I check in with God my goddess what do you want me to do today what is being asked of me today what is being asked of me and how to show up and that's how I got from one day of being a yes for food and a no for alcohol to being over 365 days because I needed to know what is being asked of me what's being asked from me right now how can I show up in my fullest in my cuss words and all in my fullest in all the shine that I've now gotten the opportunity to carry what's being asked and it's not perfect.
• 54:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not making a perfect move every single day I'm still pissing people off and I'm alright with that you know I'm still getting irritated and pissed and I'm okay with that well the fun part about that is is I also have developed some tools to calm myself down and not feel like I need to jump off a bridge.
• 54:53
  SPEAKER_00: So that's great.
• 54:56
  SPEAKER_00: So emotions are fun but yeah every day wins when you get what you want and everybody wins when you win so that's that's where I'm at and to know what it feels like to fully be myself that is my greatest gift to myself and it's my greatest gift to you and it's my greatest gift to my son and my greatest gift to my partner Josh my greatest gift to my brother and my parents and my friends even if I'm not close with the friends that I was close with when I was drinking or felt differently about life and life views the greatest gift I could give to anybody on this earth is being fully myself period and then the rest will come.
• 56:16
  SPEAKER_00: Hey I love y'all thanks for hanging out with me today thanks for listening like if you know people in other countries and you want to go spread this fits and project from four to eight countries I mean I'm not gonna be mad at it so whatever I'm gonna be looking at it though because I think that is just again the funnest, coolest thing like when I saw that the other day I was like holy shit worldwide but yeah if you um know people that live in Argentina I don't think I'm there or China I'm not in China but wherever you want to send me I'm happy to sell in the wind with that.
• 56:55
  SPEAKER_00: All right I love y'all thank you bye