Latest / She's Not Done Yet! Rebuild Your Life After Gray Divorce / Ep 06: The Coffee Shop Guy (Chapter 2) - The Most Unexpected Dating Aphrodisiac
Transcript
- 0:00Dr. Tamara Monosoff: Welcome to Chapter Two of the Coffee Shop Guy: Finding Love Again After Gray Divorce, a true story about dating for the first time after 38 years of marriage, read by the author. That's me, Dr. Tamara Manasa. The First date, dinner tonight. I opened my mouth and said, "No. Well, not exactly no. More like, "Sorry, I'm busy tonight. I wasn't busy, but I needed time to process why my heart was racing, I needed time to understand why a simple dinner invitation scared me so much. Because here's the thing, it wasn't just dinner. There was something about him that was
- 0:53different. I liked his warmth, authenticity, and curiosity, and that terrified me. I had just discovered my freedom. I was finally on the other side of five long years of grief after my husband left me for younger women, following 38 years together. I wasn't ready to risk that freedom for anyone, not even for someone who made me feel seen for the first time in decades. The text. Later that evening, I sat in my apartment staring at my phone. What are you doing? I asked myself. He's kind, listens, and he's interested in you. I took a deep breath, and texted him. I'd love to have dinner
- 1:45with you sometime. The response came almost immediately. How about Saturday night? I stared at the screen. Saturday, that gave me four days to prepare, or freak out, or both. I typed back. Yes, sounds good. The outfit. The next day, I did what any rational woman rebuilding her life after decades of marriage would do. I went shopping. I tried on seven outfits, bought one, returned it the next day, bought two more. I was nervous, which was ridiculous. I just had my first one-night stand at 63 days earlier. I'd given away my belongings in the United States and moved to Portugal alone. I'd built
- 2:41my entire life from scratch, but this-this scared me more. Here's why. With my first one-night stand at 60, I'd had a plan and a purpose. I was in control of the narrative. I'd gone there with the intention of sleeping with a guy to get over my fear, it was a challenge I'd set for myself to prove I was still desirable and capable of intimacy after feeling rejected by my husband and having the body of a 60-year-old woman, C-section scars and all. The coffee shop guy was different. I'd seen his deep thoughtfulness on our first walk together. This wasn't a challenge or game I was playing with
- 3:26myself, and that meant if I let myself fall, it would actually hurt, and I was finished hurting. Saturday night, he met me at my apartment door. He knew I lived above the cafe where we met, and then we walked to my favorite Thai restaurant, only one block away-the one I'd been going to alone, savoring my independence. We talked for four hours. I didn't even realize the restaurant had closed until the staff started stacking chairs around us, he asked me deep questions about my life-real questions-and then he listened to my answers. My ex never listened like that. My ex would interrupt, check
- 4:15his phone, tell me to get to the point because he didn't have time for long stories or pretty much anything, I would say. The coffee shop guy leaned in. The red flags that weren't. Then he told me about his past relationships, multiple marriages. My internal alarm system went off. Run! I thought this is a red flag parade. You literally just wrote the article. I ignored these 12 red flags before gray divorce blindsided me. This is textbook. But here's what stopped me. The way he told me, he didn't sugarcoat it. He didn't make excuses. He didn't blame the women. He talked about his mistakes,
- 5:10what he'd learned about himself, and the patterns he recognized in his relationships. What? He told me about the personal development classes, retreats, and workshops he'd taken. He literally spent years working to uncover and heal his relational patterns. I found him more and more attractive as he opened up. But I also wondered, why is he sharing all of this on a first date? It was a lot to process. Honestly, I wasn't being as open as he was about my past with my ex-husband. Before my date with a coffee shop guy, I had intentionally decided not to bring my past into the present.
- 5:56I was done giving any more of my precious energy to the 43 years I'd already given to my ex, 38 years together plus five years of healing. But then I realized something: sharing bits of the past is how you get to know someone. Look how much I'd learned about the coffee shop guy in four hours, and most importantly, this wasn't a red flag. Red flags are usually wrapped up in manipulation, blame shifting, gaslighting, making yourself the victim while trashing your exes. This was sounding like accountability to me, and it was refreshing and surprising. This was a man who'd done the work, and
- 6:46that was the opposite of everything I'd experienced in 38 years of marriage. The walk after dinner. We walked out of the restaurant. The cobblestones in Portugal were glistening under the warm street lights from a light rain. I was wearing heels and stumbling over the slippery stones. Can I hold onto your arm? I asked. He offered it immediately. We walked slowly. It would only take one block to arrive at my apartment, but in that one block, I had to make a decision. Do I invite him up? My apartment was right there. I liked him. I was attracted to him. The conversation had been incredible,
- 7:36but I was also terrified-not of him, of myself, of what it would mean to let someone in after I'd worked so hard to build a new life alone, full of unlimited freedom. I stopped, looked up at him, and opened my mouth to say, "Thanks so much for listening. Please tune in for Chapter Three so you find out what happens next.